Okay, I'm going to say a couple words and I want you to think about how they relate
to each other.
Self-trust.
Body confidence.
Periods.
Food.
Now, if you're like most people, you're racking your brain, thinking, I'm not sure how
these relate, or if this is relevant in my life right now.
But I promise you, whether you have a daughter, whether you have a son, whether you're a
mom or a dad or grandma or a grandpa, whether you're listening for yourself, this conversation
is for you because I am going to tie it all together in a really compelling, personal,
funny discussion with actor and producer Jessica Beal.
Jessica is the author of a new book called A Kids Book About Periods, but really she's
the author of a book, looking to empower people, looking to give people accurate information,
looking to change the narrative about how we think about our bodies.
I promise you, you're going to laugh a lot during this conversation, you're going to
learn a lot more about me and you're going to have actionable strategies to using your
home.
I'm Dr. Becky and this is Good Insight.
We'll be back right after this.
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Maybe we can just start.
This is like quite then get to know you.
Like what's your period story?
And I'm happy to share mine as well.
Yeah, for sure. I would love to share mine.
Well, my first period was when I was 11 and it happened right before I went to school.
I was in the bathroom and then I saw blood in the toilet and I freaked out.
I mean, just really thought, oh my god, this is the end.
Like I thought, I'm dying.
I'm not going to make it.
Like, okay, it's been a good few years and I ran to get my mom and I showed her and
she gave me a pad, I think.
It's like kind of abstract.
Some of the memories are a bit abstract from that time.
But I had to get to school because I was in a school play and I was playing one of the
lead characters in the play and I remember just feeling so scared.
What am I going to do?
Am I going to have to go through with this?
What's going to happen to me?
You know, it was just such a scary thing.
And it's funny because when I asked my mom about it, now recently she said, I tell you,
I told you, I completely prepped you, you knew this was going to happen at some point
and we talked about it.
I don't remember that conversation and I definitely, even though we talked about it,
I was still very scared.
But I did my play.
It was successful.
The school loved it and it was fine.
And then my period didn't come back for like a year.
So it's such a mysterious thing.
I mean, it's so weird.
I think periods are just so, can be so confusing.
Yeah.
Well, you know what you're saying?
One of the things I was thinking about recently was, imagine if we told women nothing
about pregnancy.
I feel like there's some people who be like, we really still don't tell them that many
things, which I think is true.
But I just imagine one day, like, looking at my body.
Like, what is this?
And all the different things, if we're unprepared for a change, we tend to have fear and
attribute something negative to it.
It's survival.
We want to do that as humans because then we're prepared for threat.
But right, obviously, don't want that in that we don't want to experience key moments
in our bodies kind of journey with threat when they're natural and beautiful in the
sign of our health.
And periods are something.
Your story is similar to so many people that I've heard.
My friends and I talk about this all the time.
It's kind of the shock and awe of this moment and how that has kind of stuck with them.
This is like such a pivotal thing that happens.
And if your first response is a little bit of fear and even unconsciously, like, what's
wrong with me?
You're like, am I dying right now?
That's our reaction to seeing blood coming out of our body.
That's just with us.
Yeah, totally.
I actually love what you just said.
Periods are a sign of our health.
Yeah.
I feel like that's something that is sort of lost in the sauce somewhere.
When we talk about that and I definitely remember hearing that just recently, one of my doctor
said, how's your period?
I said, it's pretty normal.
It's kind of heavy day two.
He goes sort of giving some details and he said, well, that's the first great marker
of that health is, your health is going to be probably pretty stabilized.
I thought, wow, I've never heard that before.
And I do feel like periods sometimes have this kind of gross connotation or negative connotation
or I don't know.
I remember people used to make these really bad jokes about them when I was younger and
it just made you feel like, man, I must be a really icky person if this happens to me.
So I just love that.
I want that idea to keep getting circulated that it's a sign of really good health.
It's such a cool thing to be reminded of.
Yeah, and maybe that's so part of my narrative because my period story, I got my period for
the first time naturally after I had my first son.
That's really?
Yeah, because I'm so interested in hearing about this.
Yeah, I didn't get my period as a kid.
I kind of had this muscular body.
I did a decent amount of gymnastics and they thought maybe that was related to it, but
I didn't fully fit this hypothelamic picture either.
And it was just, I didn't get it.
And then I went to college and I feel like I was like put on birth control just because
like my generation feels like you go to college and you're put on birth control.
It's just like the same here.
Same here.
Same here.
Just, yeah, that got my clothes and got my birth control.
And then I got married on the younger side and you know, I just stayed on birth control.
And then when I wanted to have a baby, what I knew is I kind of knew I'd have a journey
because I knew I never got my period so it's not going to be easy for me.
And so after I got married before we even wanted to have a kid, but I mean my husband
were like, no, I'm going to actually go off birth control and try to try to see if I can
like get my body kind of, you know, in a place where I could do this and do all types
of things.
And then I ended up doing IVF for like, I never even got my period.
And then interestingly enough, I got my period naturally after my first kid.
And then I got it regularly starting after my third.
After my third, I am so right now.
I know.
Right.
And so I think for me, I did feel acutely aware of like my body is not doing.
Maybe I was saved some of those like potentially awkward could be full of shame, even though I know
you and I want to do that, you know, moments, but I actually was very acutely aware when I
was younger that my body is not is not doing the thing that is a sign of health.
And so when I got my period, I feel like I'm just a period.
I was like, who gets their period for the first time like after they have their child?
Like that's going to confuse my daughter with like her understanding of these things.
But yeah, that's my story.
Wow.
That's amazing.
That's, I mean, I'm so interested to hear that because as I've been learning more and
more and like being a part of organizations like period org that these women who like
know so much more than I do, they were sharing sharing that with me that not all people who
are born with uterus is get their period.
And I thought, wow, I didn't know that.
And then some people have these really interesting experiences where it comes so much later.
And that's really interesting.
I went through IVF as well with my second child.
And I had a natural pregnancy my first.
And then things changed into my body.
And I really struggled.
And then had IVF for my second baby and had my second baby.
I got my period at 11.
It went away, came back.
And now it's just more extreme than ever.
I thought it would just get easier and like get more mellow.
No, no, no.
It, I mean, that's what I mean when I say it's like mysterious kind of.
Right.
Because it's just even now I'm still trying to figure out when and why and what and all
the things, which I just feel like normalizing this conversation and knowing that everybody
has a really unique story.
Yeah.
And okay, I want to come to your writing this book, but I feel like this fact is in my head.
And I have to give a lot of credit to the founders of EVI, Lane and Priyanka, who are these
amazing women.
And you know, they're, they shared with me, you know, it's fact that women weren't even
required to be in clinical trials until 1993.
So the amount of research done on women and are in the same issue with menopause and, you
know, there's like no research on that probably.
And some ways like our body is quote a mystery, but we should kind of feel enraged by that.
Like it shouldn't because, you know, I'm like, men can get a viagra belt like a second
on the market.
We don't even understand like menstruation or, you know, the things going on in our bodies.
But I think some of it is people aren't talking about it.
You can't study things.
You're not putting words to you.
You can't learn more about something.
You don't start a conversation about.
And I feel like your book, which I want to hear about is the start of a conversation at
an age when these conversations should start.
Right.
But what was like the spark in your mind?
Like I just want to know, like are you driving and you're like, are you like in the
bath?
Are you like grocery shopping?
And you're like, I'm going to write a book about periods.
Like what was the moment?
I just want to get into the moment.
Well, you're going to, you're going to laugh because I never once in my mind ever thought
about writing anything.
I never thought about writing a book.
I was like, that's, I'm not an author.
I'm not an expert.
I am not a doctor.
Right.
So why would I write anything in this space?
It was never, it never occurred to me until I sat down with Jolani memory who owns and
runs a kid's co.
And I love what he does.
I love all the subjects they tackle in such a cool, straightforward way that you just,
it's so much respect.
I think these books are published that children and kids can understand these big, these big
topics and these, these important things.
And I just love his ethos in his company.
And so I was literally having a zoom with him with my company.
We're talking about they wanted to get into different types of creative formats outside
of books.
How do we move into television or, you know, film, we're just having literally a collaborative
conversation because I'm such a fan.
How can we work together?
And then he just started asking, who am I?
And what do I care about?
Really, in my personal life and I just said, well, I mean, I care about reproductive
health and everyone's health and well-being and that's a huge interest of mine and more
information around my own body and my friends' bodies.
And he said, well, what would you write about?
And I said, I don't know, period.
It's probably because it's the first big milestone that a person with a female reproductive
system is, you know, having to experience.
And he said, well, great, let's do it.
And I literally was like, wait, wait, what?
Okay.
You know, like I never occurred to me that it was something I could do or that I even
should do because I think I felt, I think I felt some insecurity around the fact that
I'm not a doctor.
And who's going to listen to me?
And why you should probably shouldn't listen to me, actually.
Like, I don't really know that much either.
And I'm trying to learn too.
But I liked the way that we collaborated on this book was I just was telling my story
and trying.
And that is my truth and that is something I do know about.
I've had a period for many, many, many years and it's changed and it's evolved and I've
had kids and I've had struggles and I know that.
And then we worked with an amazing organization, period.org.
And they helped us with all the language about how to really talk about it in an inclusive
way.
So hopefully, you know, it would help parents and people and young people to just at least
open the door to these conversations, have it as a tool in your tool belt or a resource
in your toolkit to just, you know, you know, the springboard to bigger conversations.
Yes.
To me, everything I think about with kids too is, you know, information doesn't scare
kids.
Feeling alone and confused in the absence of information always scares kids.
And if we think about that framework, we actually start to talk to our kids in a very
different way than probably a lot of us were talked to because the moments that are
over well-musmed as kids are when something happens.
We don't have a narrative for it.
We don't have words for it.
Then it just lives as a set of sensation in our bodies and kind of floating around with
anxiety.
But when we have a story to understand, which has to be given to us by an adult or it's
going to be given to us by a random kid on the bus, but that's not going to be an accurate
story.
Right.
Yeah.
When we have a story from a loving trusted adult, we can handle all types of hard information,
like death, you know, in the family.
And we can handle just medical information and understanding our bodies, like, you know,
understanding menstruation.
So I am in complete agreement.
I guess if you think about parents who are listening right now thinking, oh my goodness,
I don't even know what to say or like where would I start?
Or am I giving my kids something that they don't actually want to hear?
Like I always hear this from parents.
Like, what would you say to them?
Like how would you start to encourage a parent to talk to their kid about about periods?
Well, I mean, I guess I can only come from my own experience, right?
And I think how it started, the conversation started with my kids, at least with my older
kid was he was trying to come in the bathroom while I was trying to go into the bathroom.
And I needed to change my tampon.
And I was like, needed to do it at that very second.
And I pulled it out and he goes, what is that?
And I said, well, this is a tampon.
And I need to use this every month.
It's an experience that, you know, I go through that I'd love to tell you more about.
I just can't do it right now.
And if you should leave the bathroom so I can have some privacy.
And he goes, okay.
And he left.
And he saw it and I didn't really tell him anything because I just didn't have the
time at that moment.
But it started there with showing him the tampon saying, this is something that's happening
to me that I need to take care of for my personal well-being and health.
But I'd like some privacy to do it right now.
And he gave me that privacy.
And we up until two days ago, we hadn't really talked about it again.
And actually it happened with my three year old too.
He was in the bathroom.
And I just changed my tampon while he was just in there.
He wasn't staring at me.
He was like, take had a car.
He was driving his car along the side of the wall and I said, you know what?
If you're going to be in my private space, I'm going to do what I need to do and I'm going
to keep him open.
And he barely needs it.
I got places to go, Ken.
I do.
I really got some things to do and you got to get with it.
So let's go.
And I did it and he didn't even really ask much or talk.
He just kind of left and I left and that was it.
So I guess what I would say is just continue to do what you need to do for your health and
wellness and well-being and within a parameter that makes sense for you and your family.
I don't know.
Once again, I am not an expert.
This is your department and other medical people's department.
But this is just my experience as a mom.
And I think like little baby steps if you're feeling nervous and feeling like, oh my gosh,
I do not want to touch this with a 10 foot pole.
I don't know.
Just have them laying out and have to start having a conversation.
But what they are or get used to having some dialogue around, I have to, I experienced
something different than you do every month and I can't wait to share that information
with you.
I kind of like dribbled it like that and then we talked about it two days ago.
Like we for real talked about it.
And it was amazing.
I actually, first of all, I think every parent and I really mean this.
You aren't, you aren't expert.
You're expert yourself.
You're the only expert that exists on your kid.
And I think what it sounds like you did is you questioned some societal narrative.
Like get out.
I'm doing something that you can't know about.
We kind of have like all absorbed that we quote should do that.
And it sounds like you're like, this is actually the most natural thing.
It's just this is a part of my life.
And I find the same way I realized I had very similar experience.
I actually have a great story around my period with my three kids.
But keeping tampons away from them or like that time of the month, my period away from
them actually is like that became harder than just talking about it when like in the nature
of the pretty old conversations.
So I had, I was in Maine, we were, you know, me and my husband were on this like, you
know, visiting family.
And I took my three kids alone to the store in town.
It was like a mile walk.
And I think at the time my youngest is probably like one or like one and a half or somebody
who's like sleeping and then I had, you know, my kids are three years apart.
And I was, you know, at breakfast and I just feel my full period.
Come on.
And I can still remember I'm wearing white jean shorts.
Like, oh my god, white jean shorts.
Oh, tampon.
I'm out of anything.
And like there's just like, I don't know how I know to talk to your children, right?
So they're all with me.
I don't have any other adults.
There's not a bathroom in this restaurant.
It was like this little coffee place.
I remember like finding the shoe store that luckily was like, yes, we have a bathroom.
And I go in and look, my kids are with me.
Like I have these young kids.
What else am I doing?
And I kind of said something similar.
Like I'm safe.
I'm healthy because I think they're probably like what is happening to you because they
saw it, right?
Like I'm totally safe.
I'm healthy.
I'm a older kid new about it.
I said, I'm having something called a period.
We'll talk about it later right now.
I, you know, luckily I found someone like literally in the shoe store who's like, I have
a tampon.
I was like, thank goodness.
Right?
And I figured it out.
And what's so funny is I still remember like the next like couple months, like I'd be
like said to my older, I was like, one second, I forgot something in the house.
I got to be right back.
He's like a tampon.
I was like, no, no, it's like my phone.
You know, like always do a tampon.
You might want to bring a tampon.
You know, but I'm like, you know what I know about my son.
He will never be embarrassed to buy tampons for a friend or a partner or whatever because
this is just in the DNA of his relationship is like talks about tampons and periods.
And I think that is such a gift.
I mean, to men, to women, to anyone that this is not some like shameful, embarrassing
thing.
And so I do think what you said is such brilliant advice.
The conversation can start with just your kid probably will notice a tampon somewhere
or you'll say something, right?
And it's actually sometimes a constart by just not hiding it.
And I think, and I want to dive a little bit more into your book because I really do
think this.
Books to me are an amazing way for parents to bridge the gap between like what probably
was done in their childhood.
So therefore what feels comfortable and the parent they want to be because a book will
just give you words.
It's like cycle breaking just to say words that you're like, I actually don't know if I
have this narrative inside my body naturally.
So I'm trying to develop it.
And this book is a tool I can use to kind of level that up.
Agreed.
100%.
The world of books is such an incredible place to find a resource to go, you know, to
go away to a story to a fairy tale story.
So like, I'm a storyteller.
This is what I do.
So books are like my life.
And they have been my life since I was young.
And now as a parent, I am constantly looking for that.
I literally just found a book the other day because my kid will only eat like a grilled
cheese.
And it's making me crazy.
I feel this was one of the questions I wanted to ask you actually.
So how do I get my kids to eat something other than cheese and bread?
But I found this cool book about this dad who loves to eat everything.
And this kid who doesn't want to eat anything.
And it was just the book is called like, just try it or something.
And I bought it.
I said, okay, great.
I'm going to, you know, use this book because I don't have all the language.
And when it comes to more medical things that are happening with your body, I don't know
how to describe these things.
I can't tell you medically anatomically what's happening to my son when he's going through
something or even myself, like I still can't technically map these things out.
I think books are the best resource.
And I just, I agree with you.
I could not lean on them enough.
And I have so many of the kids books about because I think they're just so straightforward.
They're like, this is what it is.
And you're like, wow, that's a lot of like very simple words.
And, you know, I also just want to give a tool to parents listening because I think
whether you're talking about periods or, you know, I think, you know, kid, what is
the 69?
How does the baby really get in the belly?
And you're like, oh my goodness, I've to approach these topics too.
And it feels awkward.
I always think it's generally one reason.
The things that people didn't talk to us directly about feel awkward to talk to our kid
directly about simply because our body is going through a circuit for the first time.
So it's rusty.
Like it's not well oiled, right?
It's like a ski slope.
You're going down for the first time versus 30 million times.
So yeah, it feels awkward.
But naming that to your kid, even if you are going to read a kid's book about periods,
just to say, hey, as I'm reading, I might laugh or I might seem awkward.
I just want you to know there's nothing like funny or awkward about periods.
That just happens because nobody ever talked to me directly about it.
And so if you notice me, that's such a good idea.
That's why.
And so I'm so excited to read this.
But now that it's kind of actually similar, like if you give someone a narrative before,
they're less likely to misinterpret it.
So then a kid won't think, oh, I guess my period is awkward because my mom or my dad
is laughing about it.
And then it actually relieves so much pressure from us to be some smooth talker about periods.
It's not going to happen.
And even if you have talked about it out loud, right?
It's just when you're not a doctor, you don't have these medical, you just don't have
the language.
And it's okay.
I think what you're saying is, it's okay if it's awkward and weird.
I mean, I read my book with my son, we read half of it two days ago, which was such a huge
moment for me.
I kind of even got like, teary-eyed about it.
Because I was like, oh, my God, this is why I did this.
This is why I did this.
Because we're reading this thing and he goes, well, that's weird.
You know what I said?
Yeah, that is kind of weird.
But you know, it's pretty normal.
It happens to a lot of people.
And he's like, okay.
You know, I mean, it was so easy.
It was such a surprisingly easy conversation that we had.
And we actually got to the point where, you know, he said, oh, man, that would be really
embarrassing.
Like, if someone had an accident and blood through their pants at school and I said, yeah,
he goes, yeah, and people would probably point and laugh.
And I said, yeah, people might point and laugh.
And I said, wouldn't it be cool if you made a different decision and you, instead of pointing
and laughing, you knew what was happening to that person.
And you weren't scared about it.
And you just went over and said, hey, you have blood on your pants.
Can I give you my sweatshirt?
Or can I help you get to the nurse?
What do you need?
And he was like, yeah, are we done now?
I was like, yeah, we're done now.
You know, so it just, it's in there now.
It's in his brain.
It's somewhere in his body that he can make a different choice if he sees somebody and
something looks different on their pants or something.
And honestly, I just felt like it was such a huge success.
And will he make a million mistakes along the way, probably, as we all do and like, don't
know how to respond and don't know how to, whatever.
But that was the first interaction, real discussion that we had about it.
And I just, I feel like I want to cry about it because it was so profound on some level.
I can see that.
And I think, you know, there's this topic periods, I can talk to my daughter about periods,
I'm going to read this book.
It feels like bold but obvious.
But I think it's really powerful.
I think this is, this is a book.
This is a topic for the boys too.
That's really, really important, right?
That they understand what this is because I think that things kids really laugh at and poke
fun at.
I'm just, I'm just formulating this thought.
I might take it back, but I'm just thinking it now.
It tends to be the things they don't understand.
Like if you think about a kid who points at someone who has some developmental challenge,
that's visible.
I actually think if they understood what that was, they wouldn't find it funny, right?
And kids who don't understand, they're trying to make sense of it.
And I think there's an awkwardness to that confusion that might come out as a laugh.
And so I think about a generation of kids who already, before puberty, know what a period
is.
I don't think they're going to laugh when someone has like me like a white gene short period
moment because they're going to be like, oh, that's a period that person doesn't have
a pattern or a tampon.
And I do think kids naturally want to help when they understand and feel empowered.
And so I think that's actually a really realistic thing that could happen.
I think you're right.
And I does feel like it's changing and shifting already.
A friend of mine told me about an amazing experience with her daughter.
And we're apparently her daughter in class raised her hand and said, I think I just, excuse
me, I think I just got my period and I need to use the bathroom.
And literally everybody was like, oh, I've got something, I've got something and three
of her girlfriends took her to the bathroom.
They, they went to the bathroom together.
They handled it with support and they came back and they sat down and like the class
went on.
Yeah.
And even I'm getting goose bumps thinking about it because the panic attack I would have
had my 11 year old self raising my hand to say that no way.
I would have done anything else.
Yeah.
And the world to not have to raise my hand to say that at the time.
I have optimism too.
I mean, look at how much the world has changed around therapy.
I think now, you know, my friends are talking about therapy and if someone's like, I'm
not in therapy, you're like, what is wrong with you?
Like, what?
You know, and it wasn't that long ago before no one would say so true that they, right?
And that's it.
That's changed pretty quickly just because the power of words and conversation, that's
really what it is, right?
Antidote to shame is connection.
That's what reduces shame is talking about things, connecting, sharing stories and books
and conversations that allow that to happen can have a powerful, quick impact on kind of
deshaming a topic like periods.
I love that the antidote to shame is connection.
Shanes, my estate, it's the fear of illness, right?
So like you're like, and you're me too, I can't imagine.
I mean, again, I don't get my period at the time, but I'm picturing myself in middle school
or high school, getting my period.
I know it was this like, oh, you feel, you feel alone, you feel other, you feel spotlight
in the moment.
That's why it's so shameful and you freeze, right?
So the opposite of that is putting your hand up and you kind of are like either lots of
people here have their period or lots of people here have things happen to their body
that feel unexpected and they're not quite prepared for.
And if that feels normalized, then there's a lot more freedom.
Yes, it's so true.
I'm curious how you think about, because I feel like this conversation is about periods
and more than periods, because I think about how it relates to just body confidence and
confidence general.
How do you think about that?
I mean, it certainly relates having connection around and language and dialogue around
how we're feeling.
Yeah.
Head to toe is still hard for people, still hard for me.
And I think it took a long time to have body confidence, especially if you're looking,
you know, I remember growing up in the 90s and the early 2000s and looking at all, you're
looking at models on magazines and you're like, well, I don't really look like that.
What's wrong with me?
Yeah.
I mean, it's just, it's even more extreme now.
So I think it's a huge topic.
I think it's something we all struggle with as a girl turning into a young woman and
becoming a woman.
And I don't know how you feel about it, but there's a lot of pressure.
There's been a lot of pressure.
There's still a lot of pressure.
I don't know if that's going away or how we address that as a culture.
Yeah.
I mean, I think it was hard.
It was hard.
We're at a time, especially with social media and the focus on external validation and
looking at other people and information overload without a doubt.
It feels like things are stacked against us.
And even more intense ways, women trying to feel good about our bodies.
I guess, you know, in a heartening way, it's really hard to feel confident in your body
if you have a process that happens in your body that nobody talks to you about.
It's just it's so confusing and overwhelming.
And I think that narrative of like ill, gross, icky, right?
It's it.
It happens like every month or this happens on and off, right?
And the idea that I'm going to feel confident and amazing and trusting of my body when
there's something inside me that I don't understand.
And that also is associated with yuckiness that that's, I mean, then, then that's really
stacked against us.
And so certainly, I think even just knowing what if one big area of impact I could have
is I could help my daughter understand her body and help her understand that this is a
sign.
It's, you know, I would say two things going to be true.
Like, okay, it can periods be inconvenient.
Can they sometimes even to ourselves feel like, oh, I don't feel great in it.
Sometimes we have an inconvenient sign that our body is working.
It's also kind of an amazing thing that we get that sign.
I mean, if you think about all the different things in the medical field that we would
kill to have a sign that we're actually healthy, like I would take a bunch of inconvenient
signs to know, hey, I don't have cancer today or hey, you know, my heart health is good.
Like I would actually be like, oh, it's inconvenient.
Sometimes like a little like, okay, like if I have a sign of health, that's kind of amazing,
right?
And I'm infusing that into our daughter's narratives about their body.
Like there's so many different ways we can look at health.
But one of them is reproductive health.
And that is, you know, a thing.
And so you're going to start to have this sign.
And yeah, it's going to be a little annoying sometimes, going to be a little inconvenient.
Those are also true.
But what's also true is every time that happens, like you can kind of look at your body and
say, thank you for doing the thing you're supposed to be doing.
Like I'm grateful.
That's amazing.
You're so right.
I just, I love that.
And I hope I do hope that that idea is becoming really, really widely expressed and shared
because I only just heard of that.
And I'm in my 40s, which is blowing, blowing the way.
So yes, if, if younger women and younger people who are getting their periods know that,
and you will, you have just a relief.
You're like, okay, it's uncomfortable.
It's inconvenient.
I got this though.
And I'm, and like you said, I'm safe and I'm healthy.
I think you brought up a really good word that I hear myself say a lot.
Trust.
You don't trust your body.
And you've been made to feel that your body, it's like dirty and scary and not trustworthy.
Which is something I hear myself say is like, I don't feel like I can trust my body
when my period comes because I don't know what's going to happen.
And I still feel confused around it.
So there is a major trust element that is kind of lost with, with you and yourself,
you know, around this subject and around the lack of information and knowledge and around,
and around the lack of empowerment about my period is healthy.
My period equals health.
My period equals powerful, you know, things are working, things are going well, you know.
And that's, that's something that I struggle with myself personally is I don't want to
use that word with my body.
I want to trust my body.
Yes.
I don't want to feel betrayed by my body.
And sometimes that word comes up for me too.
And it's a strong word, but I still feel that way.
I still feel like, oh my God, it got me again.
It betrayed me again.
But actually, it's inconvenient.
It's not a betrayal.
It can be inconvenient, but it's crushing it actually.
Like my body is just rocking it.
It is.
And you know, it's interesting.
We're kind of a little bit coming full circle is I feel like the definition of confidence
as feeling good about yourself is like completely the wrong definition.
And I think it sets us in the wrong direction when we think about building our confidence,
definitely building our kids' confidence.
I always define confidence as self-trust.
That's really what confidence is.
It's trusting that, you know, the way you feel in the moment actually is the way you feel.
It's trusting that your feelings and sensations give you information.
And it's definitely, you know, looking at signs of your body working like a period as
important data, not as a symbol that something is wrong or awful or gross.
Yeah, when we think about confidence as self-trust, then it
paints some more obvious road to, oh, so if I want my kid to trust themselves, I have
to help them understand what's going on in their body and give them a narrative.
And that's why I help my kid even understand the whole range of feelings because that's
actually the confidence.
You're so right.
Oh my gosh.
You have so many good ways of putting things that are really hitting for me.
And I'm thinking as well, it just brought up again how important it is for people who
don't experience periods to have all this language too.
Because if you're trusting yourself, trusting your body, knowing that you're healthy, knowing
all these things, but this outside pressure or this outside shame or being bullied or making
fun of, or like if you're getting that outside, it's really hard to then still go, yeah,
whatever.
I got this.
I'm still awesome.
I'm still good to contend with opposite feelings, right?
Yeah.
So it's not necessarily more important, but it's equally as important to have this dialogue
that everyone is speaking the same language when it comes to this type of stuff in our bodies.
It seems like during the school year, my kids are always coming home with something and
finding an over-the-counter medicine for my kids that I trust is a real challenge.
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I want to talk about a group of kids that I'm particularly passionate about.
Why?
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Go away when you know they actually need your help.
They're the ones who will trip and fall and then blame you even though you were not
around them at the time.
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of or their underlying core struggles.
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So this is going to be wild because maybe not that wild.
Don't get too excited.
Oh, that's it.
Yeah.
Our listeners are like, what is Dr. Becky about to say?
What you can say.
Everyone can like sit back down.
It's not not really that wild at all.
But I get excited about when things connect.
So I want to actually circle back to food.
Because I actually think food and our kids food and how we react to our kids food, especially
when they start to kind of tighten up and you know, get picky, deeply relates to the theme
of trust and to our body and our body signals.
So essentially, especially when our kids are young, what I like to remind parents is the
only thing our kids can actually control is what goes into their body, their food and
what comes out, their ping and pooping, which is why kids inherently know this, which is
why when they even smell their parents' efforts to control, they completely shut down and
restrict further because that then becomes the way they can get back that control because
they kind of took away that initial area first.
So I'm someway speaking out of turn.
You haven't shared any information.
But I think this framework of, okay, so really my kids eating is all about them kind of
feeling in control and kind of exploring on their own.
And the more my kid knows that I'm invested in them kind of let's say exploring a wider
range of foods.
And if I feel extra invested in that, they're actually going to get more restrictive because
I'm kind of encroaching on the only territory that they have, right?
Right.
Right.
So what I think is really helpful is a framework and this actually comes from the SATA
institute.
So I want to give her credit because she's brilliant.
She talks about like I always talk about in a family system, a parent having a job and
a kid having a job because to me that grounds me I'm like, what am I supposed to do?
Well, in any job, I figure out what my job is and do that job.
So at the dinner table, right?
And she says this, a parent's job is the what, when and where?
What do I serve?
When do I serve it?
And where does it happen?
Right.
So I'm not a big fan of like dinner in front of an iPad, let's say, but that would be
aware.
That's what I want to do.
I do it.
But like, let's say so my job would be, okay, so your kid only likes grilled cheese.
So I'm like, I'm in charge of the what?
So if I decide what is served, when it's served and where it's served, I have done my job.
And there's some nuance there.
But my kid, my kid's job is the weather and how much that is their job.
And it's really important to kind of stay in our lanes.
So my kid decides of what I've offered, whether they eat any of it and how much of that
they eat.
Now, to make that a little more nuanced, because I feel like when I tell the people,
they're like, okay, but like my life's a little more complicated than that.
So let's get real.
What that means?
Let's say I have a kid who only eats grilled cheese, like literally, only eats grilled
cheese.
Well, he like pasta too.
He will eat, yes, noodles with butter and cheese, he'll eat grilled cheese.
He will eat pizza.
He will eat pancakes.
Sometimes chicken sausages.
Sometimes some bacon, this is kind of a new thing.
And guess what he, he will eat zero vegetables and zero fruits.
Yeah.
But guess what he did yesterday or two days ago?
He licked a pair.
So that's huge.
He licked a pair.
Amazing.
Our work here is over.
Goodbye.
I was good in the world.
Why haven't you talked to me?
We celebrated at my house.
We were like cheering for him, but then he licked a pair.
So I'm going to jump in and I'm going to, I'm going to, that's amazing.
And because I'm a direct talker, I'm going to, I'm going to share some of the maybe
little counterintuitive.
So number one, you're already doing what's amazing.
If we think about food the way we think about any type of exploration, food is exploration.
We don't explore when we don't feel safe, right?
We all cling to what we know.
And so exploration naturally comes when we relinquish the little control as parents
and when kids feel safe.
So I think in the one where we always want to, we always want to offer one safe food.
Because if food, if the dinner table becomes a source of anxiety, that long term sticks
with the kid much more than whatever they're ingesting.
They're often so focused on like, I want me kid to have a carrot.
But if we think long term, what's more important than like eating a carrot is not having a ton
of anxiety build up in your first 18 years of life around food.
Because that sticks with you way longer than the nutrients of a carrot does.
You're right.
If I'm experiencing anxiety around the dinner table, is he then also probably experiencing
anxiety or do you think it's possible to separate that?
I think it's possible.
Because I'm anxious about it.
I don't know if he's anxious about it, but I know he feeds off my energy.
This is where I think those jobs matter to manage our anxiety.
Because I think unconsciously what we do is we end up judging our parenting by like
what our kid eats, especially with other people.
I'm like, oh my god, your kid eats a salad.
Like I'm such a bad mom.
And like we end up like feeling so much better.
That is the way I feel.
I like, I even, you have heard it in the past.
Like, you got to have that kid eat more stuff.
I'm like, I know.
Right.
Trust me.
Thank you.
It's not like I am trying.
Right.
Every day, every second to get a broccoli in that child's mouth.
Right.
So we have to reverse it.
The truth is we have to say like, wait, my job is the what went where?
That I have done a good job if I do that.
And I've done a good job just like if I was in an office and I started doing my colleagues
job for them, no one would say I was doing a good job.
They'd be like, you're kind of wreaking havoc on our organizational structure like
Stain and right.
Right.
So that's my job, right?
Like and so when people also say like, don't you want to get him to eat broccoli?
I just be like, thank you for your advice.
I'm going to file it.
I'm going to shred it.
But thank you.
And like I appreciate it moving on.
Right.
But like that's my job.
Now, I do think there's we want to offer one safe food.
So let's say this is dinner.
So your kid eats buttered pasta.
Fine.
So what I would put on the table is like butter pasta.
And I also think though we can be creative like, I don't know if every night I'm going to
put 20 million servings of butter pasta.
I'm going to give enough that I'm like, my kid has sustenance.
So I'm not like spiraling about whether I'm starving my kid.
But I'm also going to put foods that like maybe my kid will lick, maybe that.
And that's that's all I'm doing.
Being with kids definitely helps too and modeling resistance and skepticism is so helpful.
We often do the opposite.
We're like, this broccoli is so delicious.
But it's actually way too far from our experience.
So what's helpful?
Let's say you have broccoli pasta and chicken your kid only takes pasta.
Truly say nothing.
It's so hard.
But when we think we think we're being so slick, we're not being slick.
Our kids pick up on it.
We're like, he's a broccoli in your plate.
He wants to put one like, don't.
If you wouldn't say that about butter pasta, don't say it about anything else.
It has to be right.
And then for you, when you eat, I might, like if it was me, I'd say, do I want broccoli?
I don't know.
I was broccoli was kind of different.
I don't know.
Oh, put it on my plate.
I don't know.
That's it.
And then I wouldn't look to my son and be like, do you see what I just did?
It ruins it.
It ruins it.
Play it cool.
They will absorb the modeling.
And then maybe I'd go further next time.
I'm going to touch it to.
Oh, I don't know about this.
Oh, that's interesting.
I'm going to put it down.
Anyway, how's your day?
You know, you're like, I'm winning now, but you're not encroaching so directly.
So that's number one.
Number two.
Oh, my God.
Just like we don't want to pressure too much, we do not want to praise either because
our kids know it's okay.
No, no, no.
With more information, we can just shift because when we praise and celebrate, our kids
are smart.
So they're like, oh, this, it actually is a form of control.
It doesn't seem like the same as like you have to eat your broccoli to get a TV show.
But I think Tobaclian said this, maybe someone else Lawrence Cohen said, praise is just
sugar-coated control because we're kind of telling our kid what we want more of in that
moment.
Right?
And so I don't know about you, but like for me, let's say I like haven't worked out
in a while.
And then I finally work out like I picture my husband being like, yeah, you went to the
gym and I was like, I hate you and I'm not going to the gym for the next month.
Like cool.
Glad you felt that was your win, right?
Like you just, you feel it.
You're like, why are you so invested in this?
And so I would just, it's actually the easiest thing to shift.
You're like, cool, I just don't have to like celebrate about broccoli anymore.
It's actually like your win, like you're to do that.
Easy.
Easy.
Exactly.
And then I would verbalize this to him because I would actually just say to him, look,
you have your thing with food right now.
Here's the thing.
I know there's going to be a day when you eat a variety of food.
That day's not today.
It might not be tomorrow, but this goes back to this.
I trust you to figure this out.
It's your body.
You're the only one who knows what things taste like.
So I just have a feeling over the next couple of months, you're going to start shifting
a little, but you're going to notice I'm not going to like make you have things and I'm
not going to like have some big celebration when you have a freaking carrot because like
if you want to carrot grade, if you don't, I really don't care.
And just so we're just going to do things a little differently.
And there's something also about that moment that really matters.
I think it'll be relieving and also you can even say to your kid, and if I start to do
like weird things around food, just tell me and I'll be like, oh, thank you, you know?
And again, that message of trust, because I don't like to me, the opposite of control
is trust.
It's really powerful to think about those as opposite.
So the more we control our kids with the potty or food, they actually learn like, oh,
no one trust me to kind of figure this out.
They actually feel less safe.
They restrict more.
And so a little bit reflecting trust and reflecting this kind of what you call validation and hope
look, I know the food is a little tricky.
And I kind of know you're going to figure it out.
I trust you, we're going to kind of get through this together.
That's really heartening to a kid to hear that combination and to know you're stepping
back a little because you actually trust them to over time.
Now to be clear, you're not going to call me tomorrow.
You'll be like, oh, my God, he had a salad.
That was amazing.
That's so not going to happen.
Right?
But it's the pathway that matters.
I think this is like a framework that hopefully feels, feels useful.
I actually love that because I am so stressed about this food situation and I don't want
to do this anymore.
It's not working.
What I'm doing is not working for sure.
That's not happening.
And honestly, I say to my mom, she said to me before, hey, I think he's melting down
maybe because he doesn't have good nutrition.
He's whatever.
And I've said, you know what, you're probably right.
But I don't care.
I don't care anymore.
I have to get to work.
Right.
And I just don't have this.
I'm putting my tampon in.
I'm giving the food on my table.
I got to get to work all at the same time.
That's what I'm doing.
That's what I'm doing.
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All right.
Well, thank you.
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