One of my biggest icks is when they like wake up and they're confused.
If they play games on their phone.
When he posts on social media.
Grown men shouldn't wear earrings.
Don't message me saying, when am I taking you?
I'm not.
How seriously should people take icks?
They should be seen as more of a funny thing, not something that actually puts them off their partner.
Do you ever get over a ick?
The more you like someone, the more you'll find the ick's cuter.
Everyone is going to have something that gives you the ick.
I remember one of my icks was at the beginning when we were dating.
Go on.
We used to do that.
Oh my God!
Hey everyone, welcome back to On Purpose with Jay Shetty, with my favorite person in the world, Radha Divlukia.
And we're diving into topics about things that we talk about, things that we hear about from friends and family, things that you could talk about on a long car journey after a long day at work, or maybe while you're out at dinner and you want to have a chat about what's going on.
So today's topic is all about... Ix.
Ix.
Good old Ix.
I feel like the concept of Ix didn't exist when we were dating.
No.
Or maybe they existed, but they didn't have that language.
We didn't call them Ix.
And if anyone's wondering because you've been sleeping under a rock what an ick is?
The term ick refers to a sudden turnoff or something that instantly kills attraction.
Ooh, that's a harsh term.
These aren't always rational and they can vary culturally and individually, but there are common patterns reported in dating conversations, social media and psychological observations.
Wow, so official.
When did you first discover what ics were?
I don't know when, but I feel like now that it's got a name to it, I appreciate it, because I felt ics my whole life.
Really?
Yeah.
What, like when you were dating back in the day?
Yeah.
You never dated anyone apart from me.
What?
I definitely felt ics throughout my life.
I've probably felt a few ics with you.
What do you mean?
What do you mean?
We spoke about this.
What?
We've had ics with me.
Go on.
So many ics.
But ics doesn't mean that you don't love someone.
Right.
Ics just means you're like, oh, maybe, you know, don't do that around me.
Right.
Yeah.
You have ics with me.
No.
Was your ic with me?
I don't.
Yeah.
What?
Anyway, is this about us?
Yeah.
Yeah.
We're just having a general conversation about ics, guys.
No, the topic came about because we were in a car journey with my cousins.
We were on our way back from the Drake concert.
We had a long journey.
And somehow we came onto the topic of ics within our relationships.
But then also just generally, you know, there's a man with the ics list, which the girl.
That's mine.
That's my favorite.
The guy with the ics list.
Yeah, I love it.
If you don't follow Guy With The List on TikTok, please follow him.
I have no idea who he is.
He is hilarious.
He's brilliant.
And he just like, he finds all these things that women say or men say are icks about men and women.
And he puts them onto a really, really long list.
So we started getting into it.
And let me tell you, we came up with some crazy ones.
One of my cousins said that she thinks it's icky when her husband uses an indicator in the car for
I don't even know how that's an ick, but that was an ick, because what was her reasoning I don't remember.
She said that it doesn't feel masculine, masculine enough.
Yes, someone else that I spoke to said that she finds it really icky when her husband cries.
That's terrible, so not nice, but also just so funny that people put that on the ick list.
Um Well okay, it's obviously funny, but there's also a little bit of meanness and depth to it that people get turned off so easily these days.
And I think it really, sometimes just by getting an ick, they won't go on a second date.
I feel like, should we start by reading some really funny icks out?
Okay, so.
Oh, when they run after a receipt that's blown away in the wind.
Who does that?
When they hold a limp umbrella in a strong wind.
When they run with a backpack on and it bounces side to side.
That's a really good one.
I agree.
When they try to get out of a beanbag chair and it takes a full 12 seconds.
When they call a waiter over but they walk right past them.
These are all very good ones.
There are some other really funny ones, though, too.
What else did we say in the car that was really funny?
I don't remember the car ones at all.
When they have allergies.
That's so rude.
When you're driving and they grab the bar.
Yeah, when you are the driver, when the girl's the driver and the guy gets scared and holds the side of the car.
That's icky.
When they get car sick.
I get car sick.
That's not an ick.
It's a really sad thing to go through, actually.
When they wear no-show socks.
No.
Yeah, I agree with that one.
Those little panty liner socks.
Panty liner.
They are awful.
The thong socks is what we should call them.
Awful.
Awful.
Is that all you have to say?
Well look, I think ics are fair, but I also think that they should be seen as more of a funny thing, not something that actually puts them off their partner.
I think it should end up becoming something that's endearing.
Like you should go from thinking it's an ic to finding it a bit cute.
I remember one of my ics was at the beginning when we were dating.
Go on.
When you used to do that baby voice with your mum and your sister.
Oh, my God.
I cannot even hear it.
Go and do it, please.
I'm not doing it.
I don't do it with anyone else, you do know it, though I don't only with my mum and my sister.
Mum and sister.
Suddenly I was in a room with all three of them and they're all doing this weird baby voice to each other.
I was like where am I and what is happening?
Please, just do it once.
No, I don't do it anymore.
Come on, show them.
I literally don't do it anymore because you, you actually don't do it that much.
I don't do it anymore.
But you know what you should be, who you want to be.
I don't do that anymore.
But just don't do that voice around me.
What are my icks about you?
I don't know.
In the beginning?
Being late.
Yeah.
That is an ick.
That is a massive ick for me when people... Really?
Massive ick.
You can't be late.
I've been ick your whole life then, mate.
Basically.
What else?
Skinny jeans.
Skinny jeans are a...
Skinny jeans.
I was just checking if our videographer was wearing skinny jeans before I said it.
Skinny jeans, big ick.
Now they are.
At one point they were fashionable.
That's what it is about icks that there was a time when the ick could have been fashionable.
Like I know one of our friends, her sister doesn't like men who wear jewelry.
Oh.
So that's what I'm trying to understand is like, how seriously should people take icks?
I think they should be taken with a pinch of salt.
I don't think you should take them too seriously.
But I think if there are too many icks, you're not going to find that person attractive.
That's the problem.
So either you have to work on your tolerance and what you find icky.
And maybe some things like you not wanting your husband to cry in front of you.
That may be therapy that's required.
Not going to lie.
You may need to really work on that.
But other things like, you know, flip-flops with socks, you know, give a bit of leeway.
Maybe just choose the shoes for your partner the next time they go out.
All right, I'm going to read out a list of ics and we have to decide, on a scale of 1 to 10, how bad they are.
Okay.
All right?
Or do we do a yes or no as in ick or not?
Yeah, ick or not.
Okay, ick or not.
All right, chewing with their mouth open.
Ick.
Ick, for sure.
Clapping when the plane lands.
I like it.
No, you know what?
It's appreciation.
We should be really happy when a plane lands.
Yeah.
It's an amazing thing.
Not ick.
Yeah.
Not washing their hands after the bathroom.
Ick.
Ick.
That is all around ick.
That's not subjective.
Yeah.
Asking to split a bill.
I don't think that's an ick.
But then I, you know, I like being a self-sufficient woman.
As a man, I always wanted to pick up the bill.
I always did when we were dating originally as well.
Like it was always something that I've wanted to do.
And so to me, ick.
That's not an ick for me.
Okay.
Talking in a baby voice.
As a grown ass man, absolute ick.
I get it now.
Using too many hashtags.
Oh my gosh, what an ick.
And I'm using too many emojis as a, no, ick.
Being too obsessed with astrology, like blaming everything on being a Gemini.
Oh, that's a bit of an ick.
Lots of girls do that.
That's an ick.
Yeah, it's a bit of an ick.
Taking mirror selfies at the gym.
Well, no, should I tell you what?
There's this girl that I've been seeing at the gym lately.
I was like, wow, her body's amazing.
She must work so hard.
I swear I've not seen her lift one weight in the gym.
All she does is come into the gym in beautiful outfits.
She looks amazing.
Takes pictures and leaves.
So yes, if you're taking pictures after having done a hard workout, not an ick.
If you're coming to the gym in a cute outfit just to take pictures without doing a workout, ick.
Oh, another ick.
When the man looks in the mirror more than you do, ick.
We don't have that problem, obviously.
Poor grammar in texts.
You're hot instead of you are hot.
I think poor grammar is pretty bad.
But it's obvious.
Air guitar.
When a guy does an air guitar.
Or fake golf.
Oh my God.
No.
Or finger guns.
Oh no.
Leaving voice notes that are four plus minutes long.
Massive ick.
Do not leave me a voice note.
Me and my friends do that.
I hate it.
But maybe not.
Voice notes are such a waste of time.
It's like, so I really wanted to tell you this and I don't want this to be long.
Yeah.
But I've been thinking about this and I'm thinking about one friend that does it.
I know.
Drinks cow's milk in a glass.
Drinks cow's milk full stop.
Ick.
Using phrases like let that sink in too seriously.
Seriously calls women females.
What the hell?
Is he a biology teacher?
Oh my god.
All right.
Obsessing over a celebrity like they know them personally?
Yeah, when i have friends that refer to celebrities by their first name, they don't know it's an ick.
Uh, referring to their ex as crazy with no context.
You're okay with that?
Yeah, i'm all right with that, oh gosh.
So let's help people.
Let's think about ics.
What's our take?
My take is that you should give people... Oh, wait, this is a better question.
Yeah.
Do you ever get over an ic?
Can you get over an ic?
Like, did you get over the ic of me talking in baby voice or did I have to stop doing it?
Make sure of both.
I think the more you like someone, the less you'll find, like the more you'll find the ick's cuter.
However, there are just some things that the other person's going to have to just stop doing if the partner finds it icky more than three times.
So how do you tell someone hey, I have an ick about this and that's the reason I haven't been texting you.
That's the reason I haven't been.
How do you do it?
ChatGPT will give you a really great answer for that.
No, but seriously.
Yeah, how would you do it?
I think you could be really honest in saying that I really like you as a person, but when you wear socks and sandals it really upsets me because I enjoy fashion and that to me doesn't look like fashion.
Yeah.
But I would love to go shoe shopping with you.
Yeah.
And help you find shoes that really work well with those socks, you know?
I remember the scene in Nobody Wants This.
Do you remember that show?
So with, what's his name?
Adam Brody and Kristen Bell.
And there's a scene where he comes over, but he's wearing shorts with a blazer.
Yes.
And she's got the biggest ick.
Really?
Yeah, because she hates the fact that he's wearing shorts with a blazer.
And...
It's like the whole episode is like her spiraling, thinking he's not the guy.
I can't believe it.
I'm going to break up with him.
It becomes this massive thing.
And then I think she tells him about it.
And I think that is the reality of if you flag it to someone, but what happens when that person says well, this is who I am.
Is that the end?
I don't know.
It depends how much that person really, how invested you are in that person.
I do think when you're basing dating someone off a few icks unless it's really putting you off to the point where you don't really want to be seen with them or want to hang out with them, or it just every time you're seeing them you're feeling icky.
It's probably a sign that there's a few too many for you to be able to handle.
You can't be icked out every day.
Yeah.
For sure, but you've also got to know what your basic level of standards are too, because everyone is going to have something that gives you the ick.
And you're not dating the ick, you date a person. who is like, do they respond?
Do they show up?
Do they call?
Do they check in?
Like, that's what you're doing.
You're not dating the person whose backpack bounces when they run.
Like, that's, you don't have to look at them.
Give them a different bag.
Tie in their backpack.
You don't have to watch that every day.
That's not your life.
You know what I mean?
I think today people find icks to get out of something they want to get out of.
Yeah, it's an easy reason.
Yeah, it's an easy reason.
It's a scapegoat.
It's something you use to justify why you don't want to be with someone.
Right, right.
You just aren't attracted to them.
You just aren't into them and you don't want to say that.
So you end up coming up with this ick that justifies why you don't want to be them.
Yeah, I think so.
I think an ick is a good, easy way out.
Yeah.
For sure.
Jared Freed, who hosts the You Up podcast, who's a mate of mine.
He says that men like an ick would never stop a man from dating someone.
If they like someone, they like someone, doesn't matter, even if there's an ick.
But from women, it's actually a lot more serious.
Do you agree?
I think so.
Why?
But then I think, I wonder if, okay, let's say a girl's got bad breath.
Is that not going to be an ick for a guy?
No, of course it is. but it won't stop him from dating?
I don't know.
That's a question for Jared right there.
I'm not sure.
Like, I mean, for me, to me, that's more than an ick.
To me, that's just bad hygiene.
Like, I'm like, that's like a basic... That's saying something else.
Yeah, exactly.
That's like a basic human thing that you'd want from everyone, let alone the person you're with.
Yeah, that's true, that's true.
Right?
Yeah, I think women definitely are potentially pickier I'd say maybe, when it comes to things like that.
Really?
Interesting.
Well, I got up here.
The top five ics women commonly have about men.
Yeah, go on.
Lack of hygiene or grooming.
Oh, wait, that women have about men?
Yeah.
Dirty nails, bad breath or unkept hair can instantly kill attraction.
Wow.
Smelling bad or being generally unkept ranks high in surveys.
Wow.
However, I would say I know a lot of friends who are with guys who don't smell great.
Oh, interesting.
Yeah.
Number two is ics that women have about men, overconfidence or cockiness.
Bragging, dominating conversations or acting like a know-it-all is often perceived as insecurity masked as arrogance.
I like that.
That's a good one.
Let's talk about that.
What is the difference between confidence and cockiness and confidence and arrogance for you?
I think arrogance is when you are trying to prove to someone that what your worth is, when you're trying to prove to someone that you are better than something else or someone else.
And I think confidence is, you know, confidence, I just find it so much quieter.
It's like you just show up with energy that is, you are supporting your own self.
You're not trying to put other people down in trying to make yourself look better.
Yeah.
A lot of the time, with arrogance, people are trying to put other people down or they're acting in a way that feels superior.
I think that's the difference.
Arrogance is superiority.
Confidence is being able to carry yourself with respect for yourself.
And I think you really see the difference when people are talking, acting how they act towards other people, how they act towards you.
The things that they say in conversation, even on a date.
Like it's so obvious when someone is cocky.
And usually cockiness comes from insecurity, so...
Yeah, I definitely think overconfidence or arrogance is a turnoff for everyone.
I don't enjoy it in a conversation.
It's not endearing.
It's not impressive.
You switch off really, really quickly.
That makes a lot of sense.
Number three is immaturity or childish behavior.
This includes playing too many video games, making crude jokes or being emotionally unavailable or avoidant.
Those are all icks for women, like serious icks.
Yeah.
I think, the childish behavior.
It's interesting because I think some women actually, depending on what traumas they've been through when they've been younger, babying a man is what they've been used to or are attracted to.
Interesting.
A man to save, a man to look after, a man to care for.
So I actually see a lot more women.
Well, I see a lot of powerful women ending up with people like that, where they have to look after them.
Interesting.
But I can understand why it should be a turn off because you don't want to be mothering your boyfriend or your partner.
Yeah.
I think it's really interesting.
I think sometimes women get into relationships hoping the man will change.
Yes.
And men get into relationships hoping the women will never change.
Yes, that's so true.
What ends up happening is that the man doesn't change and the woman does.
So it's the opposite of what you wanted.
And when you get into a relationship with a guy who plays video games, he's not just going to stop playing video games the moment you get married.
That's what he does.
And you're not going to change that about him.
And I think that's what's so interesting about these ics is that if something really affects you, you should know it's less likely to change than more likely, especially if it's something conditioned and deeply a part of their life, right?
And so, if something does affect you that deeply, the two questions you have to ask is why does this trigger me so much?
And am I okay if this never changes?
I think that's really important.
It is.
We all want to feel better, to have more energy and more focus throughout the day.
That's why I co-founded Juni, a sparkling adaptogenic drink made with powerful ingredients like ashwagandha and lion's mane.
It's designed to boost your mood, support your focus and give you natural energy, all without the crash.
A new classic re-imagined.
We're so excited to officially launch our new lemonade iced tea flavor.
When we created Juni, my goal was simple.
I wanted to make drinks that help you feel balanced and energized without compromise.
Our upgraded take on the classic Arnold Palmer is crisp, refreshing and crafted with adaptogens to support energy, focus and mood.
All with zero sugar.
Be among the first to try it.
Available exclusively at drinkjunicom, where you can use the code ONPURPOSE20 for 20 off your first order.
Cheers to your daily mood boost.
We all want to feel better, to have more energy and more focus throughout the day.
That's why I co-founded Juni, a sparkling adaptogenic drink made with powerful ingredients like ashwagandha and lion's mane.
It's designed to boost your mood, support your focus and give you natural energy, all without the crash.
Get your daily mood boost with Junie at Whole Foods Market, or head to drinkjuniecom to find a store near you.
The next one is poor communication.
Being vague, giving one word replies or ghosting creates a feeling of unreliability and emotional distance.
See, I think there's a difference between ics now and what makes someone feel secure in a relationship, because that's a big security part of a relationship where, if you feel confused about where you stand, if the person isn't communicating in a way that makes you feel wanted, that actually breeds insecurity in a relationship.
And I think that more than an ick, that is probably a serious an ick to me is something that's not a serious problem.
An ick to me is something slightly silly that your mind's fixated on, but you know there is a bit of humor to it.
Whereas this doesn't seem like an ick.
It seems like more of a serious issue because you don't know where you stand in the relationship.
And I think that you have to know the difference between an ick and something that is actually fundamental.
That's really interesting because usually we overvalue an ick and we undervalue a fundamental.
So if someone runs with their backpack bouncing, we think, oh my gosh, they're so unattractive.
But if someone doesn't reply, you're like, oh, they must be busy.
Right.
So we make excuses for the fundamentals but we over amplify icks, which is a really weird thing in our mind.
Yeah.
Why do we do that?
Yeah.
Right?
Yeah, it's so true.
It's such an interesting thing.
Like I feel like so many people are, like I just can't deal with the fact that he wears, you know, ankle socks or whatever it is.
And it's like, well, wait a minute.
That guy replies to every message.
That guy shows up when he says he's going to show up.
But the guy who's really attractive doesn't show up on time, doesn't message you back.
But even though he has all of that, you don't care.
Why do we do that?
Why do we justify people's bad behavior?
I ultimately think it's because when you're attracted to someone, when you're into someone, you will justify anything they do because you're just so excited about the fact that that person might be into you.
If someone shows you attention, if someone cares about you.
But if someone is someone that you don't find that attractive, isn't your type, even if they're like the kindest and nicest person, you don't care.
I was actually reading something.
What was it this morning?
It came up on my Instagram that when you end up being a little bit obsessed with someone, Your actual physiology in your mind changes so that even the things that you would normally find unattractive you find attractive in them, especially if it's in a toxic relationship.
When it's a toxic relationship where things are up and down, apparently the hormones in your body, the chemicals in your mind, end up finding even the things that are absolutely grotesque.
Your body actually, even if the person has bad breath, you don't smell the bad breath.
Wow.
Even if the person you get used to, even their smell and the way that they speak and everything that you normally find disgusting in someone else that other people may even notice, you don't.
That's why it's so funny, you know, when you end up seeing someone that your friends dated and you're like how in the world?
Especially if they weren't a good person and then you see maybe physically they don't match either.
It's like that shallow hell effect.
Yeah.
Yeah, where the person is literally seeing a completely different version to the person that they actually are.
That's fascinating.
That is so true as well.
So true.
All right, I want to go through the list of the top five ics men have about women.
Number one.
Wait, can I say one more thing?
Go on.
It's like, for example, I remember I really disliked smoking when I was growing up, but then I remember thinking this guy at my college was really attractive, but he was a smoker.
And at that point I was like, oh wow, I was around the smell of smoke so much I ended up thinking I liked the smell of smoke even though I absolutely despise smoking.
And my friends have said the same thing.
When they've dated people who drink alcohol or when they've dated people who smoke weed they absolutely hate it, would never do it themselves.
But because they were obsessed with that person or thought that person was attractive.
Suddenly what they do becomes attractive.
Isn't that so interesting?
Yeah, and that's why it's so important to choose someone in your life that actually has the habits and things you want, because you're going to be influenced and you're going to be impacted, even if you don't want to be.
No, I didn't want to do it.
I just, my mind shifted towards the celibate.
Right if you would have stayed with that person or got with them or whatever.
That slowly would become your lifestyle.
Yeah, maybe.
So interesting.
Yeah.
The fact that your mind can shift something you really don't like just because someone that you like does it.
Yeah.
Opposite of ickes.
Top five icks men commonly have about women.
Number one, overly superficial behavior.
Talking only about appearances, name dropping or obsessing over social media and selfies.
Yeah, I, yeah, it's frustrating.
I love a good selfie.
I know you do.
I am your Instagram husband and I never get a photo credit ever.
You don't, if you, once you're married, you don't need photo credit.
Why?
It's just part of the relationship.
Right, okay.
Yeah.
Yeah, that's an ick.
And number two, playing mind games being intentionally vague, manipulative or using passive aggressive tactics.
That's a fundamental problem.
That's for both.
Yeah, that's not an ick.
I feel like that's a fundamental issue.
Yeah.
Number three entitlement or materialism, expecting to be spoiled, without reciprocation or judging people based on money, status or possessions.
Some guys like that, to be honest.
Yeah, because that gives them the ability.
Well, some relationships like that, because then it becomes an easy way of showing status or an easy way of showing prowess.
I don't love that though.
I'm not a fan of that.
Number four, being overly dramatic or constantly negative.
Oh my God.
That's exactly it.
I struggled with that a lot.
I felt like I dated a lot of people who were like that all the time.
Really?
About really small things.
And I felt like I had to constantly guess what their mood was going to be.
And that is not an ick.
It's a big fundamental.
But it was really challenging to feel as a teenager, to feel you had to be the emotional regulator for someone else's emotion.
No, too much.
Too much baggage.
Which you can't do. which is really, really hard.
And there's a difference between being patient, being compassionate, being kind, and then literally someone asking you to be their emotional regulator and then yeah.
Fifth and finally, lack of accountability blaming others forever everything, never admitting when they're wrong or constantly playing the victim.
He's all like serious ex.
Yeah, it's quite a strong list actually.
Yeah, because the guy with the list comes up with much easier stuff.
Can you pull up some guy with the list stuff?
Just yeah, let's do it, let's do this, let's do it.
Guy with the list, we love you, we love you.
Don't send her an instagram reel, that's it.
Yeah, okay.
Next, You know when you go to an event and you leave early.
I will never understand those sort of people.
You've literally paid money to spend an hour or two of your life to go and watch this event, but you would rather leave 20 minutes early or 10 minutes early to beat the traffic.
What else is that urgent that you need to get home for, rather than the thing that you paid to go and see?
That baffles me.
Just to what?
Beat the true?
That's you.
That's me.
You are that.
She has an ick with you.
Yeah.
A lot of these are visuals.
I'm sorry to say, if you're a man and you have an iPad, take it back.
An iPad?
It's so icky.
Why do you have an iPad?
Go get a MacBook.
Or just use your phone.
Yeah, you know what?
If a guy's got an iPad mini.
No.
A little iPad mini that could fit in one hand.
What do you mean?
Nah, there's something about that.
They're cheaper than the bigger iPad.
Oh, no.
Mini anything.
Like a small phone.
I've just unlocked a new ick.
Tell me why I was just at the dog park and I met the cutest guy.
He had the sweetest little dog.
But in the middle of our conversation he started screaming his dog's name, calling him five, ten times.
And I don't know why, but in that moment, he just became so unattractive to me.
Like, I just, I got my dog and I left.
These girls are amazing.
Don't scream at your dog in the dog park.
This is hilarious.
No wonder everyone's single.
It's rough out there.
Worst text to send a girl.
The morning text.
Good morning, sweetheart.
How are you doing?
Hope you slept well.
You're basically saying you're a sin.
That text is not masculine.
That is not a good text.
It shows needy.
It just shows that like, oh, I was thinking about you and I was hoping your morning was going well.
That's not what you want to come across as always always remember, texting is only to set up the date.
Men fall into this trap of sending good morning texts, sending texts like hey, how was your week?
And wanting to talk and have these big elaborate conversation over text.
But what happens is you fall into friend zone or you become her pen pal.
No morning texts, man.
Wow it's, it's rough out there for guys.
That's a lot.
Well, That's a lot.
I think the takeaway is know the difference between ics and fundamentals.
Don't overvalue ics and undervalue fundamentals.
And ultimately, we all have ics.
Even the person you marry, you'll have ics with and you can still love each other.
Yeah, you can.
Thank you all so much for watching.
This was a lovely little funny episode, wasn't it?
It was spontaneous.
Yeah, I love it.
We love a good ick we do, don't we?
Hey everyone, if you loved that conversation, go and check out my episode with the world's leading therapist, Laurie Gottlieb, where she answers the biggest questions that people ask in therapy when it comes to love relationships, heartbreak and dating.
If you're trying to figure out that space right now, you won't want to miss this conversation.
If it's a romantic relationship, hold hands.
It's really hard to argue.
It actually calms your nervous systems.
Just hold hands as you're having the conversation.
It's so lovely.
