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Hey everyone, it's Kwame Christian, host of Negotiate Anything, asking you to please do not skip forward because this is not a commercial.
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Hey, I'm Kwame Christian, and you are about to step into the world of Negotiate Anything, the number one negotiation podcast in the world where we teach you how to make difficult conversations easier while getting more of what you want in the process.
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Let's make every conversation a winning negotiation.
Ivna, thanks for joining us today.
Thank you, Kwame. I am excited that we get to talk.
Yes, I'm excited. We're going to do it this time.
Yes. We're really going to do it.
Listeners, Ivna is the most patient guest ever.
We had this amazing conversation that was not recorded.
It didn't record. I felt so bad.
We didn't get it done.
And then we said, we're going to reschedule.
We rescheduled a number of times.
And then I got sick and all of these things.
So it took us, it was like eight months, 10 months.
Yeah, almost a year.
That's right. Geez.
Well, I'm glad. Well, we're bigger than ever now.
So we're getting you out to as many people as we can.
So can you let the listeners know about yourself and what you do?
I help organizations be able and companies empower their professionals and their women to speak up assertively.
I know very well that this can help the professionals and the woman to feel heard, understood, and respected, but it helps the organization as well to leverage the human capital that they have in bringing the best to the table, contributing to their maximum capacity, which in effect improves productivity,
performance, and all that good stuff.
And also my new passion, which is it helps leaders create a culture of open communication, which really allows the team to collaborate, problem solve, and to be well, and drives employee engagement at the same time.
I find it very powerful.
I do too. And that's why you're here.
This is great. And listeners, this is another exciting opportunity for us to dig deeply into assertiveness.
And we've had a number of episodes that touched on it.
And what I'm excited about in this episode is that we're not just going to talk about what it means to be assertive and how to be assertive.
We're also going to talk about some of the myths associated with assertiveness, mistakes that can make you come off as aggressive or rude when you're trying to be assertive and some practical tips on how to be assertive and warm.
So blending that assertiveness and warm, maximum persuasion and rapport building and everything that we want to have in these tough conversations.
Let's actually start off with a definition.
When you think about assertiveness, what does that word mean to you?
That's a great start.
Assertiveness has four parts to it.
And most people only think of the first part.
And that's why people are terrified to speak up.
Assertiveness involves speaking up, expressing ourselves or thoughts or needs or wants or desires or likes or dislikes or boundaries or perspectives or disagreements or wants or desires.
There's so many things or feelings, essentially expressing anything that we want to express, which is a lot of people think that sort of this is not authentic.
I mean, that is as authentic as it can get.
But it also includes three other parts to it, which is respect, being respectful towards other people.
And that's harder than it seems.
This is another area that I'm really intrigued by because we give an example.
I lived in Singapore.
And in Singapore, the first thing we did, we had this class, you know, cultural norms.
And we learned one of the things that we learned is if you receive a business card from someone, you got to get it with your two fingers or two hands.
You can't just like this.
You can't just take it with one hand like we do in the U .S.
and put that business card straight into our back pockets.
That's considered very disrespectful.
So there are many little things that are respectful to one individual, but not to another.
For I've talked to some 80 year old people, and when you disagree with them, they find incredibly disrespectful because they feel like you have to listen to the elderly.
But for a 20 year old, that's very different.
You know, the respect for a woman versus a man can be very different.
So it's very personal thing.
And respect and assertiveness ideally is respect towards the other person in their respect language, not ours.
So of course, there's like universal views of what respect is, but we also want to make sure that we consider the other person's perspective on what respect is and try to adapt to that.
So that's another element.
Then there's calm. And calm is critical because if we're not calm, it's really hard to stay grounded.
It's really hard to think on our feet.
It's really hard to be present and listen to the other person truly, to empathize, to be present.
And if we're not present, then we're monologuing and we're not dialoguing.
So that doesn't help the third part, which is effectiveness.
What's the point of speaking up if it's not effective?
That is a third part, the fourth part of assertiveness.
It needs to be effective because most people think that assertiveness is venting off their frustrations and just saying whatever.
And it's not. It requires a lot of self control, understanding, planning, just like negotiation, to be able to do it effective.
Because at the end of the day, when you are assertive, your intention is to either communicate something, have someone understand your perspective.
It's to influence. It's to change someone's behavior.
And it's not a command.
It's not trying to control someone.
It's an invitation.
And that requires us to think about what we're saying and how we're saying it.
So the how is very important in assertive communication.
This is so good. Even though this is a strong start, now you got me all thrown off because we have all those other three things that we're going to go to.
I promise we will. But this is really interesting.
I've never heard of assertiveness described in these ways with the four points because you're right.
Most people think about point number one, which is just speaking up.
I love the other three points.
Respect, it's calm and it's effective.
And think about respect.
That's always something that's really it's difficult to find an answer for.
I love the conceptualization of thinking about it in terms of a respect language.
Beautiful way to articulate that, because if I'm talking to you and I'm talking a language you don't understand, that could be really, really nice, but it doesn't mean that you get it.
And so if I'm trying really, really hard to be respectful in the way that's respectful for me, then you still might not get and appreciate the respect I'm giving because it's not communicating.
You're not communicating that in a way that resonates with me.
I can't understand it.
When you think about that respect language, what is it about that concept that's so hard for people to get?
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Hey, I'm Michael Kovnak, host of The Next Big Idea Daily.
The show is a masterclass in better living from some of the smartest writers around.
Every morning, Monday through Friday, we'll serve up a quick 10 -minute lesson on how to strengthen your relationships, supercharge your creativity, boost your productivity, and more.
Follow The Next Big Idea Daily wherever you get your podcasts.
So the hardest thing about respect and understanding respect and practicing respect with others is that we don't really understand the person's perspective.
It's really hard. We talk about empathy all the time.
We talk about understanding.
We talk about consideration for others.
But most of us are not really good at investigating and asking the right questions to understand the other person's perspective, at really capturing their response in the moment when you're speaking assertively.
You're also at the same time observing the other individual and seeing how they respond.
And that will give you cues as to if you're pushing too hard.
Let me give an example.
You're super funny and engaged and you're playful.
Once I was in a podcast and the person that I was talking to interpreted my giggles as disrespectful.
And I had no idea. And sometimes it's my tone or the way I do it.
I was clueless. I had no idea that was happening.
So I think there's a lot of context as well.
And even getting that feedback helps, you know, asking people.
I love asking people, what makes you feel respected at work?
What makes you feel disrespected at work?
It is my favorite questions.
That's a great question.
And I love that example as well, because first with that question, a lot of times you'll be surprised at the answers.
Because for me, one of the things I had to get used to is a lot of the members of my team, they don't want public recognition.
Don't post about me.
Don't say nice things publicly.
You just send me a message.
It makes me uncomfortable to hear it from you.
Just send me a message.
Right. Okay. I can do that.
Other people like to be liked out loud, for example.
So asking that question just in general, within your relationships of any kind, work or personal, I think that's really powerful.
And the example that you gave is great because for you, you were being playful, establishing rapport, laughter as a form of connection.
And then sometimes, especially depending on the circumstances, people don't feel that comfortable.
And you have to kind of read the room.
And I think there's a little bit of confirmation bias where we might say, it's like, hey, everybody likes to laugh and joke.
Who doesn't like to laugh and joke?
And so sometimes we might get that biofeedback from the person in terms of body language, but we overlook it.
Or we just say, see, that person's a stick in the mud.
They're not fun. That's their problem.
And we just continue disrespecting them.
So I really like that point of pausing and reading the room and recognizing when there's a deviation from the baseline, does their tone change?
Is their body language change?
Okay. Maybe it's time for a little check -in.
Hey, I just want to pause, see how you're feeling about how this is going.
I think that's a great way because it shows that we're not always going to be respectful.
And oftentimes our disrespect is unintentional.
And so a great thing you can do in the moment is recognize those deviations when it seems like, it doesn't seem like what I said or how I said it was really landing with them.
Let me pause. Let me check in.
Let me get that feedback.
And then let me have the humility to apologize and adjust.
I think that's a really, really important element of this.
Very well said. Very well said.
The check -ins. Yeah.
I think that's powerful.
So let's get back to the three points.
I got distracted. I got distracted.
So even I stopped being so brilliant, I would stay on topic here.
So we're talking about the top assertive communication myths.
Can you tell us what those are?
Yes. Right before I tell you what those are, I just want to share a study that I loved seeing.
It was a study done by MIT, one of the divisions of Microsoft with 6 ,000 employees around speaking up.
Have you seen this study, Kwame?
Mm -hmm. No. Brilliant study.
And it shows how people are not speaking up.
And you would think, oh, Microsoft, really brilliant employees, they would speak up.
But they're not. Yeah.
The study shows that 2 out of 10 employees never spoke up about anything.
They had 15 different items on what people could speak up on.
2 out of 10 people spoke up about nothing.
They just didn't do it at all.
Two -thirds of employees, those 6 ,000 employees at Microsoft, occasionally spoke up or never spoke up.
So they would speak up on five out of those 15 topics.
So one -third of those speaking up topics.
And usually related to things that affected their work directly, things that they needed to get their job done, or things that were necessary for their own wellness.
And that's what I was talking to you about earlier, which is that sense of employee voice, right?
So very basic things.
Only a third of employees were speaking up about a third or more of different things that they could talk about, they could speak up about.
And that shows how difficult it is to speak up.
And the problem is, a lot of these misconceptions that people have, which comes to our assertiveness communication myths.
And let me just share this.
The connecting factor for all of them is based on cognitive dissonance.
On one end, people feel like they should speak up.
They want to speak up.
It's the right thing to do to speak up.
But on the other end, it's going to cause stress to their social life, to their...
It'll remove their social kind of preservation error.
They're not going to be liked anymore.
People are going to ostracize them and they're going to feel alone and solitary and hated by other people.
So if they have to choose between speaking up and having social peace and preservation, they're going to choose social peace because we're social animals.
So the problem is they don't believe that they can do the two things at the same time.
And that's where the myths come in.
And the first myth, we were talking about this earlier as well.
The most common myth around a sort of communication is that when we're assertive, we are aggressive, or when we're assertive, we are perceived as difficult, abrasive, rude, and aggressive, which is not the case.
The second one, I'll tell you all of them and then we'll go through them to debunk them.
But the second one is that a sort of communication causes backlash, retaliation, negative consequences.
And the third one is that a sort of communication creates conflict and is confrontational.
There's many more, but I think those three are the most common ones.
I agree. Those are the ones I hear all the time.
And when I heard you describe the first one, when we are assertive, we're perceived as aggressive.
And it seemed like there is emphasis on the term perceived.
Let's dissect this first one.
Yeah, so perceived is important because if we are perceived as aggressive, then bad things can happen to us, right?
That social peace gets shaken.
So that is also important to manage people, manage expectations, manage perception, manage our personal brand.
Now, the problem is, and you've probably heard it, when someone in a company, they're giving feedback to their employee and they say, especially a woman, you're too assertive, you're too assertive, or you're being aggressive, you're being difficult.
And that doesn't mean much because they don't really know what they're saying.
But the problem is, they're not, they're confusing when we talked about the definition.
So they don't quite understand the definition and the difference between being assertive and aggressive, and that caused a huge problem.
But the second part is that often a lot of people speak up aggressively or there's an element of aggression, and they think they're being assertive.
And then things go wrong, and they're perceived as aggressive, and they just said, oh, I just woke up.
I want to give you an example.
So recently, a friend of mine had, and she knows I'm all for assertiveness, I'm all about assertiveness, so she wants to be assertive.
And she had a little issue with her co -worker, and she felt hurt.
And before we met, she already wanted to resolve the issue.
She said, I'm going to be assertive, and I'm going to deal with this thing before I talk to Eve, and at the end of the week.
So she could say, hey, I was assertive.
So she scheduled a meeting with this person.
She was really afraid to speak up, but she did it anyways.
And she told him, you hurt my feelings.
And it was great. She did get closure.
The individual apologized, and she felt good after that.
And she came to me and said, Eve, I spoke up, and I was assertive.
I said, that's wonderful that you spoke up.
Most people don't speak up.
You showed courage, and you were bold, wonderful.
You got the outcome you wanted.
Great, but you weren't assertive.
And that's the problem.
Most people, that's a violation of number one law of assertiveness.
You do U statements, which sound accusatory, and blaming the other person, people shut down.
It would have been more effective to say, I felt hurt in that situation.
So often, people speak up in a way they think they're being assertive, but they're not.
There's actually some level of aggression or some level of threatening or creating an unsafe environment for the other person to respond and hear what you're saying.
And so now, we want safety to speak up, but we're not creating safety for the other person to hear us speaking up.
That's powerful. That is powerful.
OK, I'm excited here.
Let me offer you something.
Feel free to say no if you don't feel comfortable.
Would you be interested in doing a little role play?
We role play that conversation, but how it should have been done.
All right. Yeah, OK.
Perfect. So let's say the meeting's starting.
I hurt your feelings.
How would you start that meeting?
Let's even start from hello.
I just know that there was something that you wanted to talk about.
Hey, Yvna, thanks for calling this meeting.
I'm not sure what it's about.
Can you tell me what's on your mind?
Yeah, Kwame, thank you so much for making the time to talk to me.
I really appreciate.
Earlier this week, over the weekend, actually, we were working on a presentation together.
And I had my slides there at night, and I was going to present to the CO on Monday.
I was the first one to present.
And I noticed that you deleted my first three slides.
And I felt hurt. I felt disrespected because I put a lot of work into those slides, and I didn't have a backup.
And I was already nervous because I had to put the CEO next day.
I didn't have a lot of time to recreate those slides.
Luckily, everything went well.
But yeah, it affected me.
I wanted to let you know about that.
OK, I didn't even realize that was a problem.
When I went in, I saw that I would have done the slides a little bit differently.
And so I thought I was helping out by making those tweaks.
I had no idea that would cause a problem.
I'm so sorry. All right, well, thank you.
I appreciate that. I'd like to know a little bit more about, from you, why did you change the slides in the last minute?
Why did you delete my slides?
Yeah, because I remember about two years ago, when I was making a presentation, I was presenting to somebody in the C -suite.
And I had some slides in there that were, let's just say they were a little bit problematic for reasons I didn't know.
And so the presentation was horrible.
And afterwards, I was telling my buddy, Steve, about it.
And Steve's like, yeah, I saw those slides.
And I knew you were going to be presenting to that person.
And I knew those were going to be terrible.
But I didn't have any time.
So I didn't want to mess it up.
I didn't have any time to talk to you before.
So I just wanted to talk to you afterwards.
But I didn't feel comfortable going in and deleting the slides.
And I was like, listen, dude, next time, delete the slides.
Just delete them for me.
And so I thought I was helping you out by doing that.
I'm really sorry. And I can see how that could have a negative impact.
And I really should have had a conversation with you.
I apologize for that.
Thank you. And I appreciate your perspective and understanding what prompted you to delete those slides.
And I think what could work going forward is, if you have my cell phone number, and you text me if something comes up and you feel like there's a quick decision that needs to be made around the slide, you could contact me, and then we could make that quick decision and avoid any of these misunderstandings.
What do you think about that?
I think that's great.
And again, I appreciate you bringing this up to my attention, because I definitely didn't think it would be taken that way.
But now that you've taken the time to explain it, it makes complete sense.
So I think that's a really great way going forward.
Wonderful. So let's do that.
Let's do that. I really appreciate you taking the time to talk to me about this, and your willingness to collaborate, to make sure that going forward, we're aligned and we're not wasting time or making sure that we're effective in these joint presentations.
Awesome. Now, let's do the other one the way that your friend did it, where they said, you hurt my feelings.
Let's role play that.
All right. Hey, thanks for calling the meeting.
I'm not sure what this is about.
Tell me what's on your mind.
Yeah, Kwame. You know, the other day with the presentation, you deleted my slides.
You really hurt my feelings.
I'm sorry that I hurt your feelings.
I'm not sure what I did.
What happened. How did I hurt your feelings?
Yeah, you hurt my feelings because you deleted my slides.
Why would you delete?
I don't even understand why you would delete my slides.
Nobody would do that.
Nobody should do that.
Delete other person's slides.
That's not respectful.
How is it disrespectful by deleting the slides?
I was trying to help you.
I was trying to be a good teammate.
Are you being serious?
Like, this is, you're mad about that?
Yeah, you totally stressed me out.
And it was very unprofessional.
And you totally hurt my feelings.
And a lot of people, if they were in my shoes, they thought they would hurt their feelings as well.
And I don't think it's reasonable.
Unprofessional? Never?
And unreasonable? You know, it's funny even as I'm going through this, I can feel my heart rate elevating.
And like, I didn't even want to let you finish.
I was like, unreasonable?
You come on my podcast and call me unreasonable?
Exactly. Yes. It's so interesting even in these role plays, how you can feel it.
Like, I couldn't even listen to what you were saying.
I'm like, I'm being attacked.
I'm not going to allow you to undermine my professionalism, call me disrespectful, and call me unreasonable?
What? I felt obligated to fight back instead of like, meaningfully having a conversation.
That's exactly it. You get into defense.
Your safety just got removed by me.
And often, I'm the one trying to get safety.
I feel hurt. Even when I role play, just like you, when I role play the second scenario, I get nervous just by having to role play the angry woman.
Although, my friend was not, I'm exaggerating.
She didn't, she's very nice.
That was not her tone at all.
I exaggerated here for the purposes of learning here.
Oh, yeah, definitely.
I understand. And I appreciate you exaggerating.
I would have said, even if that's too reasonable, please scare my audience.
OK, so this is good.
This is perfect. And a lot of times, we focus so much on how the other person is going to respond to what we're saying and things like that.
But we don't realize that even though we are not in control of somebody else's emotions, the way that we approach these conversations will have an impact on how people respond to what it is that you're saying.
And the approach was completely different.
You made it easy for me to lean in and accept everything you said in the first scenario.
There was no reason to fight back because there was no attack.
And I think that's really one of the critical distinctions there between assertiveness and aggression.
And I think, also, we have to recognize that different people perceive things differently.
So it's funny. I was having a conversation with Steph.
And I think we'll have a larger conversation on this too because I was saying, yeah, I don't feel like people bully me.
I can't look back in my professional life and say that I've been bullied.
And Steph's like, Kwame, what are you talking about?
I've been in some of those negotiations with you.
People definitely try to bully you.
It just doesn't register to you as a threat.
And so a lot of times when people are aggressive to me, it takes a lot of aggression for it to register as like, this is a threat.
Sometimes other people, they might be more attuned and acutely aware to signals of aggression, perhaps because of things that have happened in their past.
So they have to be on high alert because people have tried to take advantage of them in the past.
And so we have to recognize that different people are going to receive our approach differently.
So what's interesting, kind of going back to what we're talking about with respect, what is assertive and respectful for one person might be perceived as aggressive to another person.
And so how do people balance that when they're trying to be assertive but not cross the line into aggressive?
Well, the first thing is to understand what can be seen or what can usually come across as aggressive.
Most people can't get even that part right, the basics.
That's a good point.
We can get through the basics, then we can hone our skills to really understand the cultural nuances, the racial differences, the gender differences, all that stuff.
And your book talks about the conversations with people who look different than us.
But essentially, understanding the skill is the very first step, understanding what we're doing wrong.
When I told my friend that she wasn't a certain, I gave her an example of what it would look like.
She said, holy crap, no.
I can't believe I said that.
She was so upset because in that instance, she realized, why didn't I talk to you earlier?
Why didn't I read this earlier?
And she knew the technique already.
So all we need to do is start implementing, like negotiation.
There's a skill set.
There are techniques.
Let's understand what they are so that we can implement those and know what to use when.
And the hardest part is to use these techniques and skills in the heated moment when we're emotionally really triggered.
That's the first step.
That's hard. That's the hardest step in a lot of cases, managing your own emotions going into it because assertiveness, if you're using your assertiveness, that means something is at stake, something that important has occurred or is occurring and that needs to be addressed.
And just naturally as humans, we're going to feel that and we're going to respond emotionally to that.
So finding ways to manage your own emotions before going into that conversation is going to be critical.
And I want to talk to you about one of the concerns that people have had about backlash.
That's one that I hear a lot.
Well, if I'm assertive, if I stand up for myself, then people aren't going to like it.
So what do you say to that?
That is a very common one, and there are a couple of reasons for that.
So the first one is backlash happens when we are aggressive, when we make the other person not feel safe, when like this role play that we just did, right, you felt like you were ready to attack me for your own protection.
People are not evil.
They're not trying to hurt us, most people.
All they're doing is trying to protect themselves from the source of threat.
And the source of threat in that moment was me, to you.
And the easiest way for people to protect themselves from the source of threat in that moment often is backlash and retaliation.
So if we understand that we're creating that backlash and retaliation, we're able to remove that backlash and retaliation at the same time.
So that's the first thing.
The second thing is what you do very well.
And a lot of people just don't do, for a long time, I suppressed this because I thought it made me look unprofessional, is we keep our assertiveness and we add warmth and we build a relationship and we create the no like trust factor that will automatically make people assume the best, be more patient,
be willing to listen, be willing to cooperate more with us.
So we can afford little mistakes in our speaking up moments and still have a very positive outcome and avoid backlash and retaliation.
So it really comes from the misconception around what people are actually saying.
They think they're being assertive, they're actually being aggressive, and then they blame the retaliation on assertiveness when in fact they were never assertive.
It makes so much sense.
And I love the fact that you're focusing on keeping that same foundation of assertiveness.
The fact that you need to be assertive doesn't change.
What you need to do is layer on some warmth, some likability, some rapport building, those types of things.
You still maintain that core foundation of assertiveness, you just make it a little bit more palatable for the other side.
And just by improving your skills, you decrease the likelihood of that backlash that you're afraid of.
Exactly, exactly. Because if you take the time to examine, I personally, I have never experienced backlash or retaliation for speaking up.
And have you? No. Oh, that's so funny.
No, I have not. Wow, definitely not in the professional sense.
Listen, Whitney has a long memory sometimes.
So I can - That's different, that's different.
First of all - Marriage is a different thing.
We're still at it though.
We're still, what, 13 years going strong.
But yeah, I'm really glad you said that because I'm a human too.
And so there are gonna be times where I'm afraid of being assertive and saying what I need to say.
I don't want people to think that this stuff doesn't apply to me, it still does.
And so that's a really great mental exercise even for me to realize.
That's wild, never, not one time.
I can't think of one time.
Now let me ask you this question.
Have you ever experienced retaliation or backlash because you didn't speak up?
Yeah, that one, absolutely.
Yeah, no doubt. All the time, right?
And so people get overly worried about speaking up assertively when they should be worried about not speaking up because that's where the retaliation and backlash tends to happen.
That's such a great point.
And so let's keep flowing.
Let's keep flowing.
Because even I could talk to you forever on this.
So when we're talking about, and we touched on this a little bit, let's go deeper on to some of the communication mistakes that we can make to come off as aggressive or rude when we're trying to be assertive.
So some things are obvious, right?
We know we can't yell at people, call them bad names, and interrupt them in a very abrupt way when they're speaking.
We know that, that's obvious.
I wanna share things that are maybe less obvious.
And I created a little acronym called CARE.
Aggressors, the common four aggressors, C -A -R -E, right, for care.
Because if you wanna care, don't do these aggressors.
And the first one that a lot of people that consider themselves very nice and agreeable and collaborators they do is to complain.
We love complaining.
Some people I know, that's all they do.
All they do is complain.
And there's two levels of complaining.
One is complaining behind one's back, that's bad.
So if you're complaining in front of someone directly to them, that's already a level, that's better.
We're getting there.
But it still can be seen as being aggressive.
It's similar to blaming others.
And that's how it's perceived.
And we often do it because we're venting off our frustrations and anger, and it's a bonding exercise, right?
Complaining about third party, people love to do that.
The problem is that it's highly ineffective when it comes to a sort of communication.
Because it eliminates safety in that conversation.
So instead, we need to replace, we need to replace that complaining with a ask.
In the little exercise we did, you know, you made me, you know, feel upset or disrespected or whatever it is.
Let's replace that with, hey, next time this situation happens, could you do this?
Because then there is no blaming.
There's no focus on that.
Let me ask you something, Kwame.
Don't think about a pink elephant.
You've heard about this, right?
This experiment? Yeah, yeah, great experience.
You're thinking about the pink elephant because people focused their attention on what you say.
And so we need to use that to our advantage in assertiveness and focus people on what we want them to do.
Communication is already hard enough.
We don't wanna make it harder by focusing them on what we don't like.
Don't do this, Kwame.
Don't hurt my feelings.
You're gonna hurt my, that's what you're hearing, hurt my feelings.
Right, let's say, no, Kwame, could you please make sure that I am included in all meetings regarding this topic going forward?
Now I got you focused on what I really want.
So it comes back to us knowing what we want from the other person and focusing on the request, not the complaint.
So that's the number one thing.
This is great. I love that because so many people complain.
I mean, we just, it's just a very human thing to do.
But we don't take the time to consider the ramifications of perpetual complaining.
And especially as it relates to negotiation, persuasion, difficult conversations, we don't recognize that complaining is incredibly un -persuasive.
And we might say, well, Kwame, I'm not trying to persuade anybody in this moment.
I'm just complaining, I'm just venting.
That's great, but recognize if you get into that pattern and you're seen as somebody who is constantly complaining, then that is going to carry over into those difficult conversations when you are trying to be persuasive.
So this is really helpful, I like that.
And when you go to the rest of the acronym, what are the other letters?
So the second one is A for assuming, we've talked about this one, assumptions.
It's a terrible thing that we do, we love doing.
We make assumptions, we tell ourselves stories.
And there's two kinds of assumptions that I like to talk about.
The first one is around the other person, what their intentions are with us, what their expectations are of us, what they want from us, what they need from us, what their thoughts are, what their feelings are, what their boundaries are, what their likes and dislikes are, what their dreams are.
All those things that if we're in an interaction and there's something there that that could impact us or we can impact them.
If we don't clarify those assumptions, generally we tend to make negative assumptions about them or they're bad and we're good.
The second kind of assumption that's less common and affects people who don't speak up that much is that, and especially passive aggressive types as well, is that we assume people know what we're thinking, what we're feeling, what we want from them, what our expectations are that we wanna promotion,
that we need to leave early to pick up our child, that we want this opportunity, that we want dinner at this time.
We assume that people know our world and what our thinking and our feelings.
And the worst part is when we assume, we don't even assume, we expect them to know.
You should know what I need, that I want this promotion.
What are you thinking?
You should know that I did this thing for you so you could do this thing for me.
You should know that I want this opportunity.
Come on. No, they shouldn't.
They shouldn't. And that's a big problem.
So when we assume, we get frustrated, it causes misunderstanding and then that infects our non -verbals and our body language and our micro expressions.
And then suddenly that's the message they're getting, by the way, the non -verbal communication is way stronger than the verbal.
So they're not hearing anything from us, but all of our non -verbals were being vague and doing the look and doing all these weird things.
And now there's inconsistency between verbal and non -verbal which causes distrust.
And all of that is gonna cause more issues.
It's gonna be seen as aggressive.
People are gonna feel unsafe around you and it's not gonna collaborate.
It's not gonna contribute to open, safe collaboration, communication problem solving and all the good stuff that can come from a sort of communication.
This is very good because assumptions, that's something that I am prone to doing.
When you have kids, they teach you about yourself in the most annoying ways.
Sometimes Kai would get mad at me.
He's like, why would you do this?
I was like, Kai, how would I know that?
How would I know you're mad at me for something I can't know?
And then he's just sitting there smirking, saying Kwame, you realize you do that to me all the time.
Oh my gosh. So yes, I think this is really powerful.
And thus far, we're through C and A and everything's within our control.
That's the beauty of this.
It's all, yes. Oh man, this is great.
Okay, so what's R and E?
R is resenting in silence, staying quiet.
And it goes back to that problem where there's something we don't like and we just don't say anything.
We don't talk about it.
We don't bring it up.
And again, all that does is come through in other ways in our behaviors and our actions and causes a lot of issues.
I'm that person, I know all of this because I've gone through all of these experiences.
I tend to be quiet and resent and I tend to be passive aggressive.
And so just by learning my own behaviors and realize I can, like you said, control them and change them and the benefit of actually speaking up and saying, hey, now I know how to say that something's, I feel my feeling disrespected or something's disturbing me so I can talk about it versus before I didn't.
And so now that I know how to do it, it's not so scary and it eliminates this resentment problem because often when we resent in silence, we also explode.
And I've exploded. Those gigantic explosions, you just can't hold yourself anymore.
How do you think that's gonna be perceived?
Aggressive. Yeah. Yeah, it's not good.
It's not good. It's not good.
And I think we've all been there.
We've all been there.
And one of our other guests, I forget exactly the way that she described it, but essentially it's like people who struggle with assertiveness or they might be people pleasers or afraid of conflict.
What they do is for, in their mind, for the sake of the relationship, I'm just gonna let it go.
It's really a fear, but they try to valorize it by saying, I'm doing this for you, Evena.
You don't know it, but you are annoying me to an incredible length, but I'm not even gonna say anything.
That's how much I love and care about you.
And then seven months later, it's like, I've had it, Evena, I've had it.
And you're like, what's wrong?
I thought everything was fine.
That happens. That has happened to everybody.
Yeah, I mean, we're withdrawing information that is important for the other person to have a good relationship with us.
We're holding back from important facts, that's not being very considerate.
One of my friends said, setting boundaries is an act of love.
You're teaching people how they can treat you.
And you're absolutely right.
We try to say, holding back, we're doing it for other people, we're doing this for the peace or whatever, but really, it's holding information that people need in order to perform at a higher level.
It's selfish when it gets down to it, unfortunately.
But again, all of these things are within our control.
We can improve. They are, they are.
Yeah, and if it helps the audience to know as well, this is super common.
I broke up with a friend because I was unable to set those boundaries.
And there was a point that was so fed up that I didn't even wanna see the face of her existence on my life anywhere else forever.
And it's terrible, it was all my fault.
She's not a bad person, she's a wonderful person.
I just created that situation.
So the fourth and the last one I wanna share today around these aggressors is E for exposing others instead of saving face.
I love this concept of saving face.
It's really Asian in its origins, and it's about helping people preserve their dignity and their self -respect with regards to others.
So you're preserving their social peace, you're preserving their dignity and their brand publicly facing.
So you're still gonna give them the negative feedback.
You're still gonna disagree with them.
You're still going to fire them if you need to.
You're still going to pass them over for the promotion or not give them that opportunity if you don't feel like they're the right person.
But you're going to help them preserve their dignity in that process.
That's the difference.
And when we don't and we're not intentional, I've seen it so many times where a leader would highlight all of the deficiencies and problems with their team in front of his boss.
That's a terrible time to do that.
It felt like you have no emotional intelligence, no leadership capability.
This is horrendous.
And yet his boss didn't say anything about it, and that cycle perpetuated, it's ugly, but that happens a lot.
And often in some cultures that are very negative and aggressive.
And so helping others intentionally think, how can I help preserve this person if I'm gonna disagree with them?
Instead of saying, I disagree with you or you're wrong, have you considered this?
Okay, I'm concerned about this.
What about this? There are other ways to bring things up without making other people look bad.
Absolutely. And I think our culture and especially the media perpetuates this because we like to name, shame, and blame people and that's the cool thing to do.
So for instance, you might have somebody who did something wrong.
It's like, we exposed this person.
Look, shame him, shame, right?
That's what we do. Think about time.
I can think about times where my friends just kind of relish the opportunity to say, ha, I got these receipts.
I did this little research here and I found them in this lie.
I'm gonna call them out.
It's like, what's your goal?
Are you just trying to hurt people?
Well, kudos, you're on the right track.
But if you actually want to solve the problem and maintain the relationship, there has to be some kind of safe off -ramp.
If somebody figures out that they've done something wrong or they need to make an adjustment, it takes a lot of humility to be able to own that, accept it, and move on.
It doesn't feel great when you know you have to adjust or there are ways that you can improve.
It doesn't feel good all the time, but we don't need to exacerbate the emotional distress that they're in in order to win this interaction, right?
And it's so powerful.
And when you think about the saving face, we're recognizing that you don't need to strip somebody of their dignity and self -respect in order to change their behavior.
That's really what it comes down to.
That's what it is, yes.
And let's wrap with a couple quick tips on how to be assertive and warm because we are close to the longest episode ever.
Oh my gosh, I'll be brief.
I'll be brief. All right, so do the detoxing of those threats from the care, right?
So instead of complaining, asking for what you want, instead of exposing, saving face, instead of resenting in silence, make sure that you talk about things in the right way.
And then instead of assumptions, clarifying things for people explaining your side, your perspective, and then help people share their side as well before making any assumptions or telling ourselves any stories.
Then comes conviction, and leaders love conviction.
This is one of the top things that I get, the feedback that I get from senior leaders, is like, I wish my team spoke to me with more conviction.
And there are three elements to conviction.
And conviction is very different from confidence.
Confidence is overrated.
You don't need confidence to be assertive.
You don't need confidence to have conviction.
Forget the confidence, that comes with time.
Let's bring in conviction in what you have to say.
That comes with three elements.
The first one is being definitive.
Leaders love definitive statements, definitive people.
And this is about removing hesitation from our verbal and nonverbal language so that we come across as credible in having authority.
Even if we're not 100 % sure about our statement, still be definitive, very important.
If you want people to be heard, if the listener wants to be heard and understood, we have to be definitive.
And that's something that I'm still working on to this day.
I don't tend to be definitive.
I tend to hesitate.
I have a quick example that I wanna share with your audience, Kwami, around the definitiveness.
Yeah. Oh, let me share it here.
Let me know if you could capture some of the hesitation in what I'm gonna say.
You know, I'm sorry to bother you at this late time.
So, I just wanted to, I wanted to come earlier and talk to you, but my dog got sick and my kids are going nuts all around the house today because the teacher didn't show up and I had to deal with entertaining the kids all day long.
And by the way, here's some freshly baked cookies I made this weekend.
Chocolate fudge cookies, they're delicious.
Try one. All right.
So, is it okay if I share my view on this project's goals?
I just wanted to say that I have a different perspective on it and it may be wrong, but I just, it's just an idea and I thought I might as well get it out there.
I think that we could prioritize this project.
No, let's go ahead with the project because it will help her brand grow.
This makes sense, doesn't it?
How does that sound Kwame?
Would you hire me? Oh, listen, whatever it is you're asking for it, no, but I'll take the cookies.
Those sound delicious.
Yeah, lots of problems.
Lots of problems. I tried to take as many notes as I could, but I mean, the whole thing was just a problem.
I mean, you started off with three words slash sounds that did nothing, like there were nothing, you know, what's the start?
The entire thing sounded like an apology.
Like you were apologizing for like being there, like existing in my presence, you know?
And you came with a peace offering.
Like I'm so sorry for being here.
Here's a sacrifice in your honor for my existence.
It was bad. And I think the thing that's so powerful about this is that even though it's really funny, we can see elements of this.
Like there are gonna be threads that people can focus in on here.
And let me tell you, if you're going, if this is a negotiation situation and you are up against an expert negotiator, in my mind, everything you're saying, I'm like, I'm saying the opposite.
If you're saying, oh, I don't think we can go any higher.
No, let me say it the right way.
I don't, it's gonna be hard for me to go higher.
Yeah, you're going higher.
That's what I'm thinking in my head.
It's like, yeah, we probably should.
Yeah, we're gonna do this.
You know, you can sense that weakness and just the tone of how you bring yourself into the conversation is going to be really, really persuasive.
So even the up talk, is it okay if we do this?
Even the things that were like a definitive, like it should have been a definitive statement, they were formed as questions.
Like, is it okay if I proceed?
It was almost as if you were asking for permission with every sentence that you were making.
And it just, it doesn't need like the substance that comes next, doesn't even matter anymore.
Exactly, exactly. And I love how you put it.
The whole thing was a huge apology and it showed that I was incredibly uncomfortable.
And by the way, I used to be like this so I can relate to that own example because nowadays, if someone has that attitude with me, I actually tend to, my natural self is to almost exploited a little bit.
And I have to control myself because there's just a side of us.
There's a powerful person, a less powerful person in a conversation and that plays out, it's so instinctive.
100%, like the only options really, if we're just thinking almost like a visceral human response, it's either pity or exploitation, right?
Oh my gosh, I am so sorry.
Okay, I'll say that's not the kind of nurturing response you're typically gonna get in the business world.
So it's going to be exploitation, right?
Like you said, you have to catch yourself.
If somebody comes to you like that, limbic response that animalistic primal response within us like, yeah, I'm gonna take those cookies.
You have to turn that off.
And I think this is something that's not said enough.
The way that we approach some of these conversations can actually invite aggression from other people.
Yes, hesitation, overly apologetic, oh, I don't belong here, invites aggression from other people, very true.
All right. And number two.
Two is so I call this a three Ds of conviction.
Being definitive, being direct is the second one.
Saying what you mean and meaning what you say, being direct, leaders love us to be direct.
And in assertiveness is very easy, there's a very easy script, I use that script on you, Kami, on our little example that we did earlier, which is the desk script, most common script in assertive communication.
You describe the situation factually in a way that the other person would agree with you, there's no emotions involved, then you express how that impacted you, maybe hurt my reputation, my team's reputation, or it made me feel this way.
Third is you make your request, right?
So you ask for what you want.
And that's the S part, that's to specify your request.
And this is the opposite of complaining, this make sure that you actually ask for something or communicate something, what you want the other person to do differently or think differently.
And finally, you conclude with the consequences, if that person chooses to invite, to accept your invitation to change, then what's the consequence?
What's the positive or negative consequence?
Usually we go with positive, you know, it's gonna help us be more productive, help our collaborate better, have good working relationship going forward, whatever that is.
If you're a manager, the employee's not doing well, you already gave them a few feedback loops.
You can say, hey, this is gonna affect your performance evaluation, that's a negative consequence, close, be grateful, thankful, and all that good stuff.
This is so good. Even if you see all of these notes that I've taken, just this whole time, my hand is gonna start hurting.
I'm gonna be injured for the next podcast.
This is great. I really appreciate you taking the time and this episode was exceptional and thanks for doing the role play on the fly, unscripted.
That was a lot of fun.
And so before you go, remind the listeners about you, how they can get in touch with you and your new B2B opportunities too.
I think that's big.
Yes, so all my trainings and B2B work, but also free trainings for the audience are available on my website, assertiveway .com.
There's a freebie pages, there's the service page.
I also have a podcast, speak your mind unapologetically with over 200 episodes.
And yeah, I did a TED talk recently as well about psychological safety.
So how to create our own psychological safety, so that's also available on the website.
Oh, I love that. Everybody, we're going to link to everything in the description of this episode and make sure you check out Evena's podcast, really, really great.
All right, so Evena, thank you, thank you, thank you for coming on the fun.
It was really great having you.
We can't wait to have you back on.
Thank you so much, Kwame.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
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