The following podcast is a dear media production.
Hello, welcome to, or welcome back to Try Not To Care.
If you're new here, my name is Ashley.
I upload every single Monday and we just hang out for like, I don't know, 30 to 40 minutes and just chit chat, have some girl talk, big sis talk.
It's a good time. One thing about me is I love a good challenge.
I love a glow up challenge.
Last year, I did 75 hard.
I made a 30 day glow up challenge.
I did the 30 day glow up challenge this year.
And I don't know about you, but the winter arc is all over my for you page.
It's another glow up challenge.
And I'm kind of trying to do that, like loosely.
I'm not really super committed to it, but I just love the idea of leveling up, glowing up.
I'm always down to work on myself and like challenge myself to be better, but the winter arc is not what I want to talk about in today's episode.
If you're interested in that, I could do an episode on that.
I'm also thinking of maybe doing like a series on tik tok for that, but that's not what we're talking about today.
I often talk about how the people in our life make us feel.
I talk about what we expect from others.
I talk about relationships and friendships and wanting the people in our life to do the work, but I, and I love giving that advice, but I feel like a lot of people are quick to blame the people in their lives for not doing enough or meeting their expectations and being a good friend or being a good
partner. And a lot of people don't take a look in the mirror.
I feel like not that many people are capable of or they don't want to ask themselves this hard question of like, am I even the person that I want in my life?
Like am I showing up for myself and for other people the way that I'm expecting others to show up for me?
Am I being what I'm asking for or like, am I lacking self -awareness?
Like am I actually really fucking negative and am I adding to my problems?
It's so much easier to point out others and their mistakes and what they've done to us and how their actions have affected us than it is to recognize when we're not being the best that we can be and we're actually kind of being a bitch.
So in today's episode, I want to talk about checking ourselves and being able to take a step back and look at how we're acting and how we're treating people and how we're treating ourselves on a day -to -day basis.
Because it's one thing to practice self -care and say your affirmations and talk about how to be a positive, more well -rounded person and then there's actually applying everything that you've learned and everything that you believe in.
So you're not only preaching it, but you are that.
I think a lot of people have good intentions.
They know how they should treat people or what the correct way to act in certain situations.
They're very quick to point out when someone else messes up or when something is morally wrong.
But I think people also lack self -awareness and they also lack how to apply everything that they believe in or that they've learned to themselves.
You can sit and listen to my podcast and learn a thing or two on how to be a good friend or how to navigate going through a breakup in a healthy way and it's great that you're taking the time to listen and learn that, but it matters more what you do with that information.
Yes, it's nice to tell people, I learned this thing and I think this can help you, but if you're not going to do anything with that information for yourself and you're going to just continue acting the way that you normally do and continue down this road of self -destruction and self -sabtaging and hurting
people's feelings, what's the point?
In my opinion, it's more important what you do than what you say.
I love that people are spreading the message of be a good person and treat others the way that you'd like to be treated and be a girl's girl because that message can reach people and change their minds and reframe their thinking and encourage them to be better, but I think focusing on being a good person is way
more impactful than going around telling everyone how good of a person you are.
It's like those people that have throw kindness like confetti in their bios and then they're in everyone's comment sections being a bitch and it's like you're going against everything that you say you believe in, like you're not practicing what you preach, so I don't really believe that you're throwing
kindness like confetti and it's not that these people don't know how to, it's just they're literally not taking their own advice and the reason they're not taking their own advice is because it's a lot of work.
They're telling people, this is how to be a good friend, this is how to be a good person, this is how you should treat people and they know it's the right thing to do, but it's a lot of work and you could talk all day about what you believe is morally right and how to be a good person and this and that,
but if you're not showing up as that, if you're not aligning with your words, it holds no value.
It means nothing and these people aren't taking a step back and asking themselves, am I aligned with what I'm preaching or am I exactly what I'm telling people to refrain from.
With that being said, I think it's important to take time to check ourselves, ask ourselves, am I being too negative, am I being too judgmental, am I overreacting, am I taking things too personally, like am I being exactly what I'm trying to separate myself from.
I think one of the reasons people struggle with applying what they believe to themselves is because feelings are involved and they get triggered, it's easy to tell someone else, don't let things bother you, take the high road, don't stoop to someone's level, you don't have to react to everything you
see and that's all good advice, but you're able to tell someone that because you're not in their shoes and you're not emotionally attached to their situation, but when the same thing happens to you and you're putting that situation and you don't like that, you want to react to it because you feel like
it's a personal attack on you.
Why do you think so many people feel the need to comment and give their opinions on someone else's posts on social media that they don't know?
Like someone can post a video being like, I don't like this hairstyle because it doesn't look good on me and people will be like, there's nothing wrong with that hairstyle, like the reason you don't like it is because you're ugly and it's like that was so uncalled for, like there's no reason for you
to insult this person because one, you don't know them, two, it's mean and three, they weren't posting that video to bash you.
They were literally just saying, I don't like this hairstyle on me but you're attacking this person that you don't know because you immediately jump to, this is an attack on me.
Like I like this hairstyle and other people like this hairstyle, so they're wrong and it's like, it's not all about you.
Everything is not about you.
That video was not about you or when that person posted a video about bean soup and people are like, well what if I don't, what if I can't eat beans?
What do I do if I don't like beans?
Don't eat the soup then, like why is that this person's problem?
Why are you attacking this person for not being inclusive because you can't eat beans?
Not everything's about you and you shouldn't make people feel bad for not thinking about you 24 seven and catering to you.
Some people hate to hear this but people are not thinking about you.
I know it's hard to understand this but not everything's about us.
People are not thinking about you because they're thinking about themselves.
Today's episode is sponsored by hero bread.
Now that it's fall, I've been switching up what I eat a day.
Whenever it gets colder, I love to incorporate warmer meals and the best side to those meals in my opinion is bread.
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Today's episode is sponsored by Ollie.
My dogs Isabel and Sebby are quite literally my children.
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Now let's get back to today's episode.
Or like when you're hanging out with someone and their energy is a little off, maybe they're quieter than they normally are, or they seem irritable.
Yeah, it sucks that this person that you're with isn't on the same energy as you or the same vibe as you, and you want to have fun, you want to have a girl's day, or you want to go out and party, and your friend's not feeling like it.
But it doesn't mean that you get to be mean to them or attack them or accuse them of why they're acting the way they are.
You don't need to make it mean more than it does.
You don't have to immediately jump to I did something wrong, what did I do wrong?
Or start treating them differently because you're defensive because you think they're mad at you.
I think a lot of people, unfortunately, are only motivated by how others treat them.
Like they're only kind to someone if they're kind to them.
And I do believe that it's much easier to be kind to someone if they're already being kind to you.
And I don't think that everyone deserves your kindness or your patience or your respect if they're being nasty to you, like fuck them.
But just because someone isn't kissing your ass, or being overly nice to you, or overextending themselves to you, doesn't mean that you should be nasty to them.
So if you find yourself being rude or combative towards someone just because they're being quiet, or they're not super open with you, or they have resting bitch face, take a step back.
Take a few breaths in and out.
And remind yourself, their behavior or their lack of composure has nothing to do with me.
The way they're speaking, the way they looked at me, the way that they're behaving has nothing to do with me.
You need to stop over analyzing every interaction you have with people and understand that yes, there's going to be people who don't like you and they are upset with you.
But most people don't feel that way.
Most people's behavior is not motivated by you.
People have their own lives and they're going through shit and they have their own emotions.
And not everything is influenced by you.
It's not all about you.
So stop taking it so personally and acting based off that.
We often let other people's behavior and their emotions affect our own and I've come to realize that it's okay to observe someone else's behavior.
It's okay to think about why someone's acting the way they are.
But just because you notice it doesn't mean that you have to become that.
You don't have to absorb it.
So just because someone's in a bad mood doesn't mean that you have to adapt to that and feed into that negativity and also treat people badly because you're being treated badly.
So just because someone's in a bad mood doesn't mean that you have to adapt that and feed into that negativity and also be in a bad mood.
When I was dating my ex he would do this thing where he would just randomly shut down and stop talking to me and kind of give me the cold shoulder.
Like we'd be driving in the car and I could just like feel that something switched and I knew that he was in a bad mood now.
And you would think that this happened so often that I would just get used to it and be like okay he's just in one of those moods.
But every time that it would happen I immediately would jump to like what did I do this time?
Like how can I fix this?
Like oh my god like what what's happening?
And it would completely ruin my mood.
I could be having the best day ever but if he was off and he was having a bad day or he was mad at me I immediately was also in a bad mood.
And I was allowing his emotions to affect my own and it's like you don't have to do that.
You don't have to adapt to how someone else feels.
Their emotions are not your own.
Their behavior is not your own.
You do not have to become that just because you're sitting next to them or you're dating them or whatever.
The same thing with anything like it doesn't have to be a person.
Like let's say that you're having a bad morning and everything's going wrong and you're just in a really bad mood.
Just because you had a bad morning doesn't mean that you have to have a bad afternoon or night or week.
You don't have to identify with those bad feelings or those bad things.
You don't also have to become negative and look for the downside in everything that you do and be like everything else is going to go wrong.
You don't have to be that way.
Just because someone is mean to you or someone makes you feel bad doesn't mean that you have to become that.
Let's say that someone leaves a mean comment on your post.
It doesn't mean that you need to now believe what they say and identify with that and you also don't have to pass that negativity on to the next person.
Just because something is happening to you or you're observing something does not mean that you have to latch onto it and become that.
This also goes for how you react to other people and react to things like I know that it's not the best to fight fire with fire and I know that hurting someone just because they hurt you is wrong and it doesn't do any good for anyone.
But me at my core I am an impulsive person and I also grew up in a household who resorted to fighting and not communicating and when someone is mean to me or something bad happens I immediately want to be defensive.
I want to defend myself.
That is my first impulse reaction the way that I want to go about it but I've learned that that is not beneficial to me or to anyone.
It's not doing me any good and I don't feel good after I become defensive and I've worked really hard to unlearn those behaviors and not act on impulse but this is something that I'm constantly trying to unlearn and I'm constantly trying to be the person that I needed when I was younger when I was growing
up. Like when I was younger I didn't want to be in a house with my family fighting.
I didn't want to lock myself in my room so I didn't have to hear them fighting.
I wanted a family who just talked things through and communicated.
I would have loved that kind of peace and I didn't get that.
I know not everyone grew up with that and I know that it's not normal, normal?
Is that the word? I know that it's not healthy and I know that I don't want to be that now or have that in my life now.
You can't control how people treat you but you can control how you react to it.
People don't get to control you if you don't let them.
They might scream at you, they might insult you, they might try to instigate an argument but that's because they want you to react.
They want you to come down to their level and fight with them and have an emotional reaction.
But if you don't want to be that kind of person, if you don't want to fuel negativity, you don't have to.
If you don't want to be someone who resorts to insults or putting someone down or just being negative, you don't have to become that.
Just because someone is being that way towards you does not mean that you have to become that too.
If you don't want negativity in your life, do not become it.
I love the quote, the best way to end something is to starve it.
Do not feed it. Starve the negativity, end the negativity.
It's not enough to say, I don't want negativity in my life.
I don't want these types of people in my life.
I don't want people that make me feel bad.
You also have to be actively checking yourself and asking yourself, am I playing a part in this?
Am I acting and living the way that I don't want in my life?
Am I being exactly what I'm trying to stay away from?
Because as much as you shout about what you don't want, if you are that, you are only going to attract more of it.
The easiest way to attract things into your life is not by saying, I don't want this thing.
It's by being exactly what you want.
So if you want good friends, you need to be a good friend to others.
If you want to be loved, you need to give love to others.
If you want to be supported and lifted up by others, you need to clap for others until it is your turn.
Kind of going off of that, I think a way to not get so hung up on other people and not get so triggered by what others do is just minding your own business.
There's going to be times where people intend to hurt your feelings and they go out of their way to attack you and you're allowed to be offended.
You're allowed to be insulted.
You're allowed to be hurt.
But I think a lot of the negativity that we surround ourselves with is self -inflicted because we're so in everyone else's business and we're inserting ourselves where we don't belong.
Today's episode is sponsored by Gatorade.
Besties, it's finally fall.
Fall is without a doubt my favorite season, especially because I live in Connecticut and it's just so beautiful here.
Like hot girl walks are 10 times better here because the leaves are changing and the weather is just incredible.
Another thing that makes my hot girl walks even more amazing is the Gatorade Hydration Booster.
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It's much harder for me to stay focused and be productive, or even just have a good time when I'm dehydrated, which is why I love Gatorade Hydration Booster, because it gives me all day hydration and just makes my day so much more enjoyable.
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Now a word from our sponsor, Quora.
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Now let's get back to today's episode.
Going back to my example of commenting on a video and being like, well, what about me?
Like you're not including me, you're offending me because I like this thing.
You're offending yourself.
You're working yourself up over something that has nothing to do with you.
You wouldn't be offended right now and you wouldn't be so upset if you didn't care so much about what this other person is doing or saying.
People, especially online, have become so used to policing other people's choices and opinions and making it about themselves and in doing so, they get themselves upset and they negatively react to it when there was no reaction needed.
Like that person isn't posting that video for you.
That person isn't doing that thing for you.
That person isn't saying that for you.
That person is not living their life for you.
You just happen to be someone viewing it and you can have a difference in opinion.
That's okay, but that's all it should be.
An opinion. A difference in opinion.
It should go over your head and you should forget about it and move on to something that actually matters because what that person does in the grand scheme of things doesn't matter when it comes to your life.
It does not matter.
This was a really hard thing for me to understand, especially in my teens and in my early 20s.
I would get so wrapped up in other people's lives and I would get so upset and personally offended by other people's choices, especially the people in my life.
I didn't like my best friend's ex and I would make it known that I didn't like him and I thought that she was being dumb or that she was making the wrong decision for going back to him and I would just get so frustrated seeing her go back to him even after him hurting her and it's like, yes, it's frustrating
to see someone get hurt over and over again because it's so clear as day from the outside that the person they're going back to isn't respecting them, but it's not your place to tell them that.
It's one thing to give them advice or support, but not when it's not asked for, especially when you're giving advice or giving an opinion and it's not coming from a place of love and it's coming from a place of frustration or judgment.
As I've gotten older, I've learned when someone's upset to ask them like, do you want advice or do you just need someone to listen to you?
Because a lot of the time people aren't looking for advice, they're just looking for support and they want to vent to you.
They don't want you to tell them exactly what you think because in that moment when they're being vulnerable, they really don't want to hear that.
And when you insert what you think without them asking, it comes off very judgy, it comes off very hurtful and it pushes them farther away from you and that sucks, especially when all you wanted was to help them and be closer to them.
You should care about the people that you surround yourself with and you should have clear boundaries, but boundaries does not equal control.
You don't get to tell people what they can and cannot do.
You can't be like, well, because you're my friend and I don't like Taylor Swift, you can't listen to Taylor Swift.
And if you do listen to Taylor Swift, I can't be your friend.
Boundaries are meant to protect you and the relationship that you have with that person, your friend listening to Taylor Swift isn't harming you.
Like you can have friends or want friends who like the same music as you, but you cannot tell your friend what they can and cannot do.
If there's something that someone's doing that's very harmful to you and you can't get past that, absolutely, you're able to walk away.
But you cannot expect them to change for you and you shouldn't make someone feel bad for being themselves, especially when you knew who they were at the beginning of that relationship or friendship.
I always think about how my ex treated me when I wanted to post on Instagram.
Like he would call me all these names for wanting to post photos on Instagram and he would set this boundary of like, if you want to be with me, you can't post on Instagram.
And it's like, that's not a boundary.
You cannot tell me what I can't do.
Me posting a photo of my nails on Instagram is not harming you in any way.
You cannot tell me what to do and also that's how you met me.
Like you liked a thirst trap of mine.
You knew I was an Insta baddie and it's like you have the baddie now, but I'm too bad for you.
You can't handle having a baddie as a girlfriend and like that's a you problem.
That's not my problem.
If you see something that someone's doing or something about them that you don't like and then you still decide to get into a relationship or friendship with them, you cannot expect that person to change for you just because you're now their friend or you're now their partner.
You shouldn't go into something thinking I'm gonna fix you.
I'm gonna change you.
That's not fair. You wouldn't want someone to do that to you.
Like take me as I am or don't take me at all.
You get your feelings hurt worrying way too much about what others do.
So mind your business.
Don't worry so much about what others are doing or what they're wearing or what they're doing for fun or what they want to do with their lives.
None of that is your business.
If it doesn't harm you, if it's not affecting you, don't worry about it.
So don't get so wrapped up in it trying to give your opinions and adding your two cents.
It's none of your business so don't waste your energy.
Your focus shouldn't be to change people or to control people.
You shouldn't be micromanaging other people and worried so much about the kind of person they are or whether or not they're a good person or if they're a good friend or if they're a good partner.
You should be more focused on who you are.
Are you a good friend?
Are you a good partner?
Are you a good person?
Because at the end of the day, that's what matters.
Yeah, you're affected by how people treat you and how people make you feel but regardless of who is or isn't in your life, the one person who's in control of how you feel and how you act is you.
And people might not agree with me on this but the way I make others feel is way more important to me than how they make me feel.
Like obviously I don't want people to treat me shitty but it's my responsibility to regulate my own emotions and I would rather be the person saying hey what you did hurt me than the person people say you're the reason I'm hurting too.
I want to be someone that people say you make me feel more energized.
Like when I'm around you I feel more energized.
I feel good about myself when I'm around you.
I'm inspired to be myself and not care what people think because of you.
I feel comfortable around you.
I feel understood around you.
I want to be the person that people preach about and say positive things about.
Like I sit and talk into a mic every single week about how to be a better version of yourself and it's like I don't want to just talk about that person, I want to be that person.
I can sit here and give you all the ways to become that person but I want to be her too and in order to become that person it's so much more than just talking about how to become it.
It's spending time focusing on yourself and worrying about yourself and drowning out what other people think and what other people are doing and just worrying about you.
Do I like me? Do I like what I'm doing?
Am I living up to my own standards?
Like we're so quick to judge other people and criticize them for making mistakes or not living up to our expectations but are we like I'm serious take a second ask yourself would I date me?
Would I be my own friend?
Would I even want to hang around me or would I be turned off by my own behavior?
It's like would I be judging me instead of using up all your energy on other people or things that are annoying you or whatever you spend your time worrying about.
Spend time taking care of you and looking after you.
Doing what you want.
Doing what makes you happy.
Doing what makes you fulfilled and proud.
Focus on your career, your hobbies, what you want to do.
One thing that I've noticed is when I'm being negative and nitpicky and judging other people on what they do it's often a projection and I'm misdirecting my feelings about myself and about my life onto someone else.
And although I have those negative feelings and I'm feeling bad it is a good way to keep tabs on how I'm feeling and what needs to change.
For example if you find yourself judging what someone's wearing like do you actually care that they're wearing that or are you upset because you want to be wearing something but you are too shy to?
Instead of being a bitch and judging that person just go and wear what you want to wear and mind your business.
If you find yourself being bitter about how you don't have a boyfriend and you're taking that out on someone else talking about a couple instead of sitting there bitching about them and being miserable go and take yourself out on a date and give yourself the love that you're seeking.
Your problems are not other people's problems so don't make it theirs don't take it out on other people because of what you're struggling with.
You don't actually care what others are doing.
You're just misdirecting your feelings about yourself and your life onto others and that doesn't do any good for anyone.
So my advice for you and like a little homework for you to do this week is to sit down and think about what are things that you catch yourself doing that you're not super proud of or if someone else did it you would be like what the fuck this bitch sucks.
And think about why do you do these things?
Like when you're reacting to something or you catch yourself judging someone why are you doing that?
What is fueling you to act that way?
Is it jealousy? Is it insecurity?
Is it pure boredom?
Like what is it that's bothering you and what can you do to change it?
What are things that you can implement into your everyday routine that will make it easier for you to not do those things or to not behave that way?
Like what do you need to work on?
It could be loving yourself.
It can be building confidence.
It can be finding ways to manage your anger.
Ways to deal with your anxiety.
Like what do you need to work on to become the person that you actually want to be?
What are your expectations for the people in your life?
How do you expect them to behave?
What do you expect them to do?
And are you meeting those expectations?
And if not, how can you?
Because how can you expect people to live up to your standards if you're not living up to your own?
That is where I'm going to end today's episode.
I hope you enjoyed it.
I feel like I'm like scolding you even though you did literally nothing wrong.
But I just wanted this episode to be something that if you have been frustrated with yourself and you feel like you're not living up to your standards, I want this to like be a wake up call for you to be like, wait, like I actually am not living up to any of my own expectations.
And I'm kind of being my own worst enemy.
I'm being my own obstacle.
And I just want this episode to encourage you to be a better person.
Not only talk about being a better person, but actually be her.
So if this episode felt like you were being yelled at, sorry, but it's tough love.
And something that I need to hear too.
So I'm really happy we had today's little talk.
I hope you enjoyed it.
If you did make sure to rate Try Not to Care.
If you're not already following me on my social media, my Instagram, my TikTok, my YouTube, everything's in the show notes.
As always, thank you so much for listening to today's episode.
I love you so much besties, and I will talk to you next Monday.
Goodbye besties. Love you.
