Welcome back to advice session, a series here on anything goes where you send in your current
dilemmas or anything that you want advice on and I give you my unprofessional advice.
And today we're going to be talking about inner turmoil, all of the dilemmas that I picked
relate in some way to inner turmoil, inner struggles that are usually dealt with on one
zone.
There's a lot of challenges that we face that feel like our own personal battle.
Like they're only impacting us directly.
They're personal issues and it's challenging to talk about personal issues sometimes
because a lot of us feel ashamed about making our personal challenges other people's
problem.
We don't want to burden anyone else with our own inner turmoil, but I think that that's
why it's so important to talk about because a lot of the dilemmas that we're going to
discuss are things that people tend to keep to themselves.
It's one thing to have a problem with somebody else or with something else.
It's almost easier at times to have challenges that include an outside source because there's
something to blame and there's a clear solution a lot of times.
Like, oh, this person is causing issues in my life, okay, I'm going to cut them out.
They're done.
And that comes with its own slew of pain and upset, but at least you can pinpoint easily
what the issue is.
Or if you're like, oh, this workout class is not fun for me.
I dread it and I don't want to go to it anymore.
Okay, I'm not going to go to it anymore.
Like when you have an issue with something that's outside of yourself, it's a lot easier
to pinpoint and it's a lot easier to communicate and it's much less daunting.
When a challenge only involves you, it's a battle against yourself and not only is
that challenging to pinpoint at times, but it's also challenging to talk about because
I'm like an issue that involves another person.
You can't just go to that person and communicate about it with them and solve the issue.
It's a matter of communicating with yourself and that is a far more challenging experience.
And it can be helpful when having inner turmoil to talk to a loved one, talk to a therapist,
but that at times can be intimidating as well because we can almost gaslight ourselves
into thinking that our own personal issues don't deserve attention.
So with all that being said, let's dive in.
So somebody said, how do I stop taking everything so personally?
Does this stem from insecurity?
I've noticed in myself that I tend to take things the most personally when I am insecure,
when I'm not feeling confident in myself in one way or another.
When you're feeling confident in yourself, people can say whatever about you and you don't
give a fuck because your views, your beliefs about yourself are so deeply ingrained in you
at that moment that you almost have this protective shield around you.
Your views about yourself are unable to be shaken and people giving you shit or criticizing
you in some way just doesn't bother you.
But when you are insecure, it is impossible to protect yourself from things that might
sting a little bit.
You don't have that protective aura around you.
You don't have that shield around you.
I think a lot of times with behavioral issues that we're dissatisfied with, there's usually
a root cause that is not obvious.
And this is a great example of that.
You're taking things really personally because your self-esteem is low because you're in
an insecure period of your life.
But those two things don't obviously connect.
That's why I think it's so challenging to solve these personal issues because it's not
an obvious cause and effect.
I mean, once you recognize the pattern it is, but before that, it's not at all obvious.
So here's what I would recommend to do.
And this is what I have done in the past when I've noticed that I'm clearly a little
bit insecure.
I'm going through a phase where myself is seen as low.
And it's starting to bleed into my social life in the way where I'm getting offended
or my feelings hurt very easily because I don't have that protective shield around me that
comes with having a solid sense of myself and a strong self-esteem.
Number one, it's important to try to be proud of yourself as a person.
Okay?
Not in your work, not in how athletic you are, not in anything sort of surface level like
that, but rather be proud of yourself as just a human being.
That's something that I really lean into when I'm in a phase where my self-esteem is low.
It's so easy to just be really nice, to be even nicer, even more generous, even more
kind than you already are.
And I found in my experience that being proud of who you are as a person is one of the most
fulfilling ways of building self-esteem.
And it's also one of the most sustainable because no matter what happens, you can always
do that.
It's free.
Being a good person in your eyes is quite literally free.
You don't necessarily need to be donating thousands of dollars, hundreds of dollars even
to a charity.
You don't need to be, I mean, it's great to do that, sure, but you don't have to do that
to be a good person.
You can do it for free by being polite to your waitress who serves you dinner when you're
out at a restaurant by texting your friends and checking in on them and making sure that
they're doing well by calling your parents and giving them an extra hour of your week.
You know, there's so many different ways that you can do it, but that goes a very long
way, at least in my personal experience.
But then on top of that, I think having discipline with yourself is also important when it comes
to getting work done or exercising, moving your body in one way or another or cooking
meals at home instead of eating out, controlling your shopping addiction.
If you have issues with shopping, like not succumbing to your desires in life, like your
desires in life that are ultimately not making you healthier, happier, stronger, more responsible,
et cetera.
Not having discipline also makes you lose respect for yourself.
And there is a point where you can have too much discipline and you end up living a horrible
life because you're so hard on yourself that you have no room to make mistakes.
You have no room to have an off day where you don't get as much work done or you don't
get your, you know, 30 minute walk in or whatever your exercise routine is, then you're miserable.
So it's definitely important to have a healthy balance, but it is important to have a level
of discipline.
I have an episode about that.
I don't, it came out a while ago, like a few months ago, but you can search it up, discipline,
anything goes.
And there's a whole episode about discipline because I think that it is very important for
self-esteem.
And I found for me that I am the most confident in myself when I have a balance between being
a good person in my day to day life to the best of my ability and constantly trying to become
a better person because there is no limit to that.
But then simultaneously using discipline in my life so that I feel satisfied with what
I'm getting done in my life.
And I'm doing the hard things on a day to day basis that ultimately long-term make my
life better, whether that's because I feel better because I'm taking care of my health
or I'm not stressed out because I'm getting my work done on time or I feel accomplished
because I've been able to accomplish more because I've been more disciplined with my
time, et cetera.
And last but not least, it's really important to be aware of who you're spending your time
with because people who are not supportive of you, people who are judgmental of you, people
who are not fully on your team will make you feel 50 times more insecure than your baseline.
You could be doing everything else right, okay?
You're being a good person.
You have discipline with yourself.
But if you're hanging out with people who are not on your team, who are judgmental of
you, who do not accept you for who you are, for whatever reason, probably because of
their own insecurity, it demolishes everything.
The people that you spend your time with are so important and they rub off on you more
than you even realize.
And a lot of times their beliefs become your beliefs without you even meaning to.
And if they're judgmental of you, then suddenly you become judgmental of yourself.
So it's very important to be aware of how the people in your life impact your self-esteem
and be aware of whether or not they are ultimately on your team.
And I've noticed huge differences in my confidence from not spending time with people who are
judgmental of me in ways that are unfair.
Like it's absolutely critical to have people in your life who can give you constructive
criticism to make you a better person.
It's critical.
You don't want to have a bunch of yes men around you in your life who are like, everything
that you do is perfect.
You're awesome.
It's like, no, everybody is flawed in one way or another and it's very important to
have people who can help you improve and be a better person.
Critical, crucial, awesome, great.
But people who are just judgmental of you for no fucking reason, like I've had people
in my life who have just hated that I'm outgoing, that I'm social, that I like to talk to people.
Just hated that about me.
And it's like, okay, well, I got bad news for you.
That is permanent.
That is who I am as a person.
Okay.
Being around someone, you know, for years on end who doesn't like that I'm an outgoing
person and judges that element of my personality, that over time just made me a shell of a human
being because I was so used to being judged for my outgoing personality.
And you know, it's taken a while to build it back up after the fact, but I have.
Because not having that person around anymore made me realize that me being outgoing in social
is actually one of my greatest strengths in life.
In fact, and there was something about that person that just didn't like that about me.
So be it.
But I should have figured out sooner.
No, I shouldn't have because I didn't.
It was a part of my process.
But in retrospect, I will never be close to somebody like that again who does not appreciate
my essence, who is judgmental of my essence.
I think that fixing your self-esteem will naturally allow you to let things bounce off
of you, you know, naturally building self-esteem builds this protective aura around you that
allows you to process criticism that allows you to process hateful words in a way that isn't
as personal.
You just don't take it as personal.
Okay, moving on.
Next, somebody said, I don't know if I'm being dramatic or if my feelings are valid.
I think that it is very important to reflect on your own feelings and emotions because
there are moments when we're dramatic.
There are moments when we overreact.
I think it is very important to analyze your strong emotions because I don't think there's
a human on this planet who doesn't overreact sometimes, who doesn't get dramatic sometimes.
It's part of being human, it seems.
I definitely can get dramatic for sure.
In fact, every time I make a joke about that too, my friends or family or whoever I'm dating
at the moment, it's always like, yes, yes, you can be very dramatic.
I am somebody who has a tendency to be dramatic and I absolutely have to ask myself every
time I'm having a dramatic or very emotional moment, what is happening here?
I think that it's interesting.
Someone argue that being dramatic is never necessary, that it's always better to keep things
as calm and as rational as possible.
I personally don't think that this is possible for me.
The older that I get, the more rational I become, the less dramatic I become, just because
I'm starting to realize more and more that it's not worth my energy to get dramatic.
But I think it is important to embrace your own natural reaction.
If your natural reaction is to become a bit dramatic, to become very upset, I think to
an extent, one should accept that about themselves.
And maybe even at times appreciate that they're an emotional person.
As long as the dramatic feelings are not maybe harming others, okay?
So let me explain.
I'm a very dramatic person.
I know this about myself.
And in a lot of ways, I appreciate it about myself because it is a sign that I care
about things.
I'm deeply emotional.
I'm deeply sensitive.
Being dramatic is a part of that.
I'm also somebody who hyperanalyzes things and over thinks everything.
I'm very analytical about everything.
And I think that that also makes me very dramatic because I have a tendency to obsess over
things.
And in a lot of ways, being very sensitive and being very analytical is a great thing.
It actually makes my life richer in a lot of ways.
But it also comes with feeling things much more vividly so that can make me a bit dramatic.
The way that I've handled my dramatic nature is by keeping the drama to myself for the
most part, okay?
So let's say someone does something to upset me.
I might fucking freak out, okay?
I might freak out.
I might call my dad and start crying about it.
I might write a scathing journal entry in my diary, like whatever.
I will get dramatic about things.
But when it comes to actually confronting the person who wronged me, I try my best to
approach that as calmly and rationally as I possibly can.
Why?
Because I've just found throughout my life that that is how you have a productive conversation.
And allowing myself to be dramatic in a safe space, you know, with my close friends
or family or by myself allows me to get the explosive emotions out so that I can then
confront the situation in a way that is productive.
And a lot of times, you know, the things that I'm screaming about on the phone with my parents
or in my journal are the exact same sentiments that I'm bringing up to the person who I'm
upset with.
But the difference is the tone.
So here's my conclusion.
Okay.
If you feel something, it's valid in a lot of ways.
We might sometimes have feelings that are unfair, maybe, or inconsiderate or overreactions.
Like yes, that happens.
And it's important to be aware of that.
But at the same time, if we feel something, it's valid because we feel it.
Whether or not it's right depends on many variables.
Okay.
But I think that whenever we feel something, we should try our best to resolve it in a way
that's productive.
And so I guess my advice is to allow yourself to be dramatic and to not gaslight yourself
into thinking that you're overreacting, to accept the fact that you feel the way that
you feel and to tend to those feelings by analyzing them and talking about them with
your close friends and family or therapist or whoever.
And then to make a plan to resolve it, sometimes the plan is to have a conversation with somebody
else.
Sometimes the plan is to write about it in a journal for a week straight.
Depends on who you are.
But it doesn't really matter if you're being dramatic or not.
If you feel the way that you feel and it's negative, then you need to find a way to
solve it.
I think the worst thing that you can do though is to explode on someone.
Now listen, it happens to all of us sometimes.
Sometimes we can't hold in our feelings and we can't help it.
We just have to confront in a way that's explosive.
It happens to all of us sometimes.
But I feel like you can never go wrong when you approach something confrontational with
an air of rationale and calmness.
Because even if maybe you did overreact about something and what you are confronting them
about is an overreaction, if you approach them with calmness, then you're going to be
able to have a productive conversation about it where the other person doesn't feel attacked
and they don't go in defense mode and they don't shut down.
It's like this.
Okay.
Let's say your significant other has been texting somebody that they're friends with and
you're starting to get a hunch that it's becoming romantic.
Okay.
Now, you have no reason to believe this because they've never cheated on you before and they're
just friends and they've always been friends.
But you're just for some reason starting to get upset feeling like there's something
going on there.
And you let this feeling sort of percolate until it becomes this explosive angry situation.
If you confront them in an explosive angry way, they're going to shut down and be like,
what the fuck?
You don't trust me.
Why don't you trust me?
Why are you this angry at me?
This is my friend.
We've always been friends like, what's the issue?
Whereas if things are brought up more rationally, just like, hey, you know, I know that this might
be in a reaction.
I'm not sure, but I'm feeling really uncomfortable by this.
And I'm not sure if I'm overreacting.
I'm not sure if I'm being dramatic, but I'm uncomfortable by it.
So let's figure it out.
Let's figure it out a way to make me feel comfortable in that situation.
The partner is not feeling attacked and they're going to be like, oh my God.
No, I'll show you all of our texts.
Look, well, that's if they're good, significant other.
If they're a bad one, then they're lying and they won't show you anything and they won't
make you feel better.
So yeah, hopefully that was valid advice.
Okay.
Next, somebody said, how to overcome your ego when it is really loud.
You know, this is kind of complicated because I feel like some people just naturally have larger
egos and stemming from that, they tend to be more competitive.
They tend to be more vain.
And I think to an extent, our ego is determined by nature.
Like, you know, there's just some people who have bigger egos than others.
And I would say for the most part, I have a small to medium sized ego naturally, maybe
a medium sized ego to begin with, just baseline.
Because I am a little bit competitive sometimes, I do like to win, you know, at things sometimes,
I can sometimes feel frustrated by criticism I get.
But for the most part though, I'm pretty open to not being the best and not winning every
competition, whether it's one in my head or it's actually a real competition of sorts.
Like, I'm not the most competitive person in the world.
And I don't know, I think I'm overall accepting of the fact that I'm just, I am who I am.
And you know, I have things that I'm good at and things that I'm bad at and blah, blah,
now the definition of ego is kind of complicated because when I think of ego, I think of cockiness
and selfishness and self-importance in a way that's overly inflated like it's a negative
thing.
But ego, if you look up the definition, is just a person's sense of self-esteem or self-importance.
So by definition, we should all have ego.
Like to not have ego would be to not have any self-esteem, any self-importance.
And that's not good, right?
Like you definitely need to have a bit of ego.
But I'm assuming that what you're talking about here is like, how do I deal with having
an ego that's inflated?
That's too large.
If your ego is at a healthy place, see, I'm all fucked up with this definition because
I also use the word ego probably incorrectly a lot of times because, you know, I'll be
like, well, it's better to lead without ego when you're going into an argument, right?
Because you want to be empathetic of the other person and you want to approach it in a
humane humble way in a way in order to have the best results.
But again, you need to have some ego because if you, let's say, go into an argument or
a confrontational conversation with no ego, then you'll just let the other person walk
all over you.
You have to have a little bit of self-esteem and a little bit of self-importance to stand
up for what you believe in and make sure that you have communicated your side properly.
So I definitely, in the past, used ego wrong, I think, but anyhow, for the sake of this
dilemma, we'll say that the ego in this case is overinflated, is too large, is harmful.
It's at a harmful level.
I'll rephrase the question.
How to overcome ego when it's too big?
How to shrink your ego a little bit?
Now in my experience, I feel like ego becomes inflated when one is insecure and it's interesting
because ego is one self-esteem, one sense of self-importance.
So you would think like, okay, if somebody's feeling insecure and bad about themselves,
how is their ego becoming inflated, but in my experience, someone's ego becomes inflated
as a protection mechanism from feeling insecure.
It's like having an inflated ego protects you from addressing the fact that you have
low self-esteem.
It's like an over-correction in one's mind because somebody who's truly secure in themselves,
somebody who truly has a solid, balanced self-esteem, a solid, balanced sense of self-importance
that's rational.
And again, I just keep using the word balance, but rational and balanced is someone who
is aware of the duality of man, okay?
As humans, we're good and we're bad.
We're talented and we're not talented.
We're important and we're not important and to be aware of that is to be at a healthy
balanced place with your ego.
But to have an inflated ego is to be too insecure to accept the duality.
And instead, you're like, no, I only want to believe that I am the good because addressing
the bad makes me feel too bad about myself.
I can't handle that.
This is my experience anyway.
And that's usually because you're running away from your own insecurity, sometimes without
even realizing that you're doing it.
When you're at a healthy place with your ego and it's balanced, it's not loud.
It's not loud at all.
It barely speaks in a way.
You feel so much more comfortable in day-to-day life because you just accept life and yourself
for what it is.
And you appreciate the good and you are aware of and inspired to fix the bad on whatever
timeline is most reasonable and doable, right?
Your ego is quiet because you're not afraid of doing something wrong.
You're not afraid of making a mistake because you have come to terms with the fact that
that is part of being human and that that doesn't make you any less of a person necessarily.
You're also not overvaluing your achievements because you're also aware that although those
things are great and something to be proud of, they're not necessarily the most important
thing.
The most important thing is far deeper than that.
You know, it's more about what type of person you are and whether or not you're constantly
trying to be better to the best of your ability.
Your ego gets loud when you're constantly trying to prove to yourself that you're good,
that you're the best.
The problem with that is now you feel like you don't have any room to make a mistake.
You don't have any room to embarrass yourself.
You don't have any room for fuck ups because in your mind, you're the best and what you're
telling the world is that you're the best.
Not necessarily exactly that verbatim but in one way or another, that is what you're trying
to prove to yourself in the world on a day to day basis.
So now, anytime something happens that contradicts that, you're a mess.
Your ego's screaming in your head like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, that's not what we're
doing, that's not what we're doing.
Because you're living a false reality.
When your ego is inflated, you're living a false reality.
You think that you're more important and more awesome and more perfect than you are and
no one is that.
So anytime something happens that sort of shakes that reality, you freak out and your
ego screams in your ear and it's like, well, you need to do better and you need to be
better and you need to prove to everybody that you're better.
And it makes you do things that are at times horrible, not only for yourself, but also
for others.
Like, no one wants to be around it and you barely like living in that in that reality,
right?
Like, it might make you treat others badly.
You might, you know, look down at others because you've convinced yourself that you are
the best and that no one is up to your standard that isolates you.
And ultimately it just makes you an unlikable person.
You might overwork yourself and try to be an overachiever in a way that just destroys
your quality of life because you're like, no, I need to prove that I'm, you know, this
very accomplished person and I need to live up to that.
You might cheat your way through life to try to get to the top because you can't stand
the idea of not being at the top.
There's many, many more things that can come from a inflated ego, but I think that my
biggest piece of advice is to really work on fixing yourself a steam and that sort of
goes back to the first thing that we discussed.
How do I stop taking everything so personally?
Does this temperament security?
It's sort of the same piece of advice.
It's like work on becoming the best possible person you could be.
Treat everyone equally regardless of how accomplished they are or whether or not you think
that they're smart or whether or not you think that they're cool.
Treat everyone equally, treat everyone with respect and kindness, be generous in ways
that you feel comfortable with.
You know, like work on becoming a really, really good person, a morally good person.
Spend time with people who make you feel grounded and who accept you for who you are.
Your flaws included.
Have discipline with yourself in all areas of life.
It's pretty much the same advice.
It's about building yourself a steam in a real way.
Having an inflated ego is having a false sense of self-esteem.
Having a balanced ego is having a healthy balance.
That's obvious.
Having a balanced ego is having a balanced ego.
Wow, I'm a great point.
You go what I'm saying.
Okay, moving on.
Somebody said, I feel like I've become a superficial person.
What should I do?
This is a really interesting one because I've had periods of my life where I've felt
more superficial.
I'm also a Gemini.
I don't know that much about astrology, but apparently I'm supposed to be very superficial
and too faced.
That's in my list of horoscope traits or whatever.
Watch out, you guys.
Super spooky, huh?
But anyway, I've had moments where I felt superficial in the sense that I feel like people
are not seeing the real me in one way or another.
And that's not always necessarily in a way that's harmful to others.
It's not like I'm being fake to people necessarily, but rather I'm not showing them my true essence.
For some reason, I'm shielding the world from me and vice versa.
They're not seeing the true me.
In exchange, I'm not able to release my true personality.
It's trapped inside of me.
That's the way I'm analyzing this dilemma.
There's a slew of things that could be happening.
And there's a slew of different advice that I can give about this.
But I will try to make it as concise as possible.
One thing that could be happening is that you could be spending time with people who don't
make you feel comfortable.
I've mentioned this a lot today, but there are people who are judgmental of you for being
who you truly are in a way that's unfair to you, right?
Maybe they don't appreciate your sense of humor or they don't like how outgoing you are
or they don't like how shy you are.
Like there are people out there that you're not compatible with that will try to be in
your life anyway.
And that can really turn you into a superficial person because you can start to cater your
behavior to what they want you to be in turn losing yourself in that process.
And so that's something to pay attention to.
If you notice that that's happening, distance yourself from those people and try to find
people who do appreciate your essence, who do make you feel comfortable being completely
yourself and you'll be shocked at how naturally you just become yourself again.
Another thing that could be happening is that your self esteem is low.
And again, we've mentioned this a lot, but you're not confident in your true essence.
So as a defense mechanism, you're creating this new persona and you're basically putting
out a fake persona that you almost wish that you were, but it's not genuine.
It's not organic to you.
And I've already mentioned enough how to rebuild your self esteem being a good person, having
discipline with yourself and being around people who support your essence and appreciate
your essence as a person.
But that can really be helpful.
You also might be being superficial because you're a people pleaser.
You're a yes man.
And you want to please every single person in your life.
So you become sort of a chameleon in a way, a superficial chameleon trying to please
everybody be overly nice to everybody, be overly agreeable to everybody in a way that
just feels fake to you because you're not speaking your mind.
You're not showing your true personality and you're stifling it all just to satisfy everyone
around you.
But this is again, I think rooted in low self esteem wanting to be a yes man, wanting
to be perfectly agreeable is something that comes with fear of being rejected because
if you're rejected, then it's a sign that you're less than in a way.
It's a jab.
It's a personal jab to you.
So you're trying not to be rejected by people because you don't want another blow to
your self esteem.
It's already low enough.
And with self esteem comes a resilience when it comes to being rejected or not being
accepted by everyone.
You're not afraid of that when you're at a healthy place with your self esteem and
your self importance.
And so again, that goes back to like, you know, the various ways that you can help build
healthy self esteem.
And then last but not least, I think you can become superficial when you've become maybe
a judgmental, maybe even in some ways, hateful person yourself.
And I know that I've gone through phases like this where I've been more judgmental.
I've been more hateful.
I've been more pessimistic.
I've been more negative.
And my views about others and the world just is darkened by just being in a bad headspace
and you can become fake because you don't want the world to see that you're judgmental.
You don't want the world to see that you're hateful.
You don't want the world to see that negative side of you.
So you're nice to people that you don't like.
And you might even do things that you hate in a way because you're fighting your pessimistic
nature.
This is kind of hard to explain, but I've had moments like this where I've been more
judgmental, more hateful, just more in a dark state of mind.
But I've been like, I don't want people to like actively see this.
So I'll go out and I'll hang with people that maybe I don't really like at the moment
or something.
And then I go home and I call my mom and I talk shit about them.
And it's like, I'm being so fake, you know, because I'm in a place where I don't like
a lot of things and I don't like a lot of people, but I don't want that to show.
So I'm pushing through that and in turn being fake in order to be socially a good person
to be around, right?
And I think to fix that, it's not about not hanging out with people that you're maybe
judgmental of or hateful towards behind their back.
It's not about stopping doing the activities that you're judgmental of or hateful of that
your friends want to do or something.
It's about looking inward and asking yourself why you're in this hateful phase, why you're
in this pessimistic phase.
And again, a lot of times it comes back to having a low self esteem.
And I've already told you not how to fix that.
But I guess fixing yourself a steam really helps with being an authentic person and there
it is.
Okay, next.
Somebody said, how do not be completely consumed by things emotionally?
Well, I think to an extent, we can't like, it's not good to not feel things emotionally.
Like that's not good either.
And I think at times we can feel like people who are unaffected by everything are super
human.
Like they are doing it right, you know, but that's not necessarily true either.
It's very important to feel things.
And that's how we learn and grow.
And that's what like gets us up in the morning.
Like if we don't feel emotional about things, why would we do anything?
Why would we care about anything?
Like we would do nothing if we didn't care.
It's probably biologically why we care, why we're emotional, we're emotional for a reason.
It's almost like survival.
So it's crucial that we feel our emotions.
And I honestly don't think it's necessary to try to teach ourselves numbness to not feel
things.
However, the way that this dilemma was worded seems to be a slightly more extreme form
of like feeling emotion.
It's like how to not be completely consumed by things emotionally.
Well, I think at times it's not up to us.
Like we're going to feel whatever level of emotion that our brain wants us to feel.
Like it's not really up to us a lot of the times.
However, I think that there are ways to help yourself become less consumed and help work
through them quicker so that you're not like sitting for six months being consumed
by something when maybe you could cut that time down to three months if you handle it
in a more proactive way.
For example, something that really helps me is talking through my issues.
And you know, that looks different for everybody.
Some people prefer talking to a therapist.
Some people have certain friends that they like to talk through their issues with.
Some people talk through their issues with their significant other.
Some people go to their parents.
Some people go to their siblings.
Some people go to a therapist.
It's different for everybody, but I think talking things through and making them tangible
by speaking them out loud.
I mean, they're still not tangible, but making them more tangible by speaking about them
can really, really help.
Like just getting it out can really help put things into perspective and help you begin
to organize your thoughts in a way that is not just spiraling in your head, consuming
you.
Outside of your body in a way, not really, but kind of so that you can work them out.
When things are just stuck in your head, it's easier to become irrational.
It's easier for things to become jumbled.
It's so much harder to organize things.
When you speak them out loud and you start discussing them with somebody else, you can
much easier sort things out.
So talking about things really helps.
But I also think addressing the feelings head on and like allowing yourself to feel them
really helps, like letting yourself cry when you're sad, you know, letting yourself feel
the emotions helps them pass so much easier.
Recently, like this week, honestly, I was really upset about something.
And I was upset about something that happened to me a while ago, like a while, a while ago,
like many months ago.
And in my head, I'm like, I should be over this by now.
I shouldn't be upset by this anymore.
I don't want to be upset by this anymore.
I don't want to cry about this anymore.
I don't want to feel sad about this anymore.
I want to be done, right?
And I think for a long time, I had suppressed a lot of my sad emotions about this specific
thing that's sad that happened to me, you know?
And I've been sort of not running away from those things, but trying to convince myself
that I was over it that I didn't care that I wasn't upset anymore.
And then all of a sudden, recently, I got upset about it again.
And I cried and the whole thing happened.
And I was like, you know what?
I just need to let myself feel this.
And so I did.
I cried for like a whole day.
And the next day I woke up and I felt better.
I was like, you know what?
I don't know why I feel better, but I do.
And I felt a lot better since.
And it's because I let myself have that day of being sad about it.
And guess what?
When another day comes where I feel sad about it again, I'm going to cry about it again.
And I'm going to let myself feel that.
Because when I let myself feel it and I let myself sink into it.
And I accept the fact that I'm bummed out about it.
It helps me work through it.
And it helps it pass.
And it's almost like if you let yourself be consumed completely undisturbed for a bit,
it makes the process shorter.
If you're running away from it, it prolongs it because it's going to all explode eventually.
So there's that.
Okay.
Next.
Somebody said, how does sustain happiness and not get overwhelmed by negative thoughts
in limiting beliefs?
I want happiness to last.
Well, I think the first thing you have to do is realize that happiness is not going to
last.
Happiness and feelings of joy and fulfillment come and go.
And the second that you expect it to last forever, you ultimately make it fleet even faster.
Okay.
So the first thing is to accept the fact that you are going to have shitty days.
And you're also going to have good days that without one, there's not the other.
And that is just how life works.
Like we don't just get to be happy forever.
It's weirdly, in my opinion, a limiting belief to think, well, I only should be happy all
the time.
Well, it's not really a limiting belief, but it's a toxic belief because it's unrealistic.
It's an expectation that you will never fulfill that will never happen.
Unfortunately, you can have a life that's pretty damn fulfilling for sure, but you're always
going to be faced with challenges sometimes.
And we must accept that.
When it comes to managing negative thoughts and limiting beliefs, a lot of it is like a
mental workout.
Okay.
Being aware of those thoughts and beliefs when they come up and then rewriting the story
in real time, like questioning all of the beliefs that you have on a daily basis and actively
replacing them on a daily basis, and it takes a lot of practice.
Like for example, you might believe I'm not capable of learning any new skills because
I'm too old.
Like a lot of us exiting our teenage years are like, well, we're, I'm too old to learn
shit.
I'm too old to take a ballet class.
I'm too old to take a cooking class.
Like I just, I should know how to do that shit by now.
And I don't.
So it's never going to happen.
That's a limiting belief.
Well, when that thought comes up in your head because you kind of have a little desire
to maybe go take a pottery class or something, force yourself to question that belief and
then go against it and prove it wrong by going and learning how to do pottery and succeeding
at it.
If you have a limiting belief that you're never going to find love, whenever that thought
comes up in your head, say, that's not true.
Actually, I'm wrong about that.
And I will find love.
And it's hard for me to believe that right now.
And I'm in a way lying to myself right now by saying that.
But I know that this is a limiting belief.
And I know that it is possible for anyone to find love in this world.
And so I'm going to choose to believe the opposite.
And you know, there's different exercises that you can do.
You can repeat it to yourself 10 times in your head.
You can close your eyes and say, I will find love 10 times or you can close your eyes
and say, I can learn new things 10 times or you can write it down in a journal 10 times.
But it's about rewriting your own beliefs in real time.
And that's honestly the best method I've found anyway.
But it takes practice and it takes diligence and it takes questioning all of your beliefs
on a consistent basis and asking yourself why you think what you think.
And then rewriting it, coming up with a new mantra.
And also I think it can be helpful at times to figure out where that belief came from.
Because that can sometimes help squash the belief.
Like for example, you might say, I'm incapable of finding love.
Okay, well ask yourself, why do I believe that?
And maybe it's because your first relationship was an epic fail.
Epic fail is so cringe.
But okay, maybe it was an epic fail.
You got cheated on and you got dumped and you got your heart broken and you're like,
now I'm never going to find love again.
This is all love is.
And not necessarily you know that that's not the only fate.
You know, there are couples, there are many couples out there who have never had a demise
in such a way.
And I know it can be hard in this specific example because it's like the divorce rates are
really high.
It's like 50, 50, whether or not you'll get divorced in America and stuff like that.
But like there's still 50% that don't get divorced and who are, you know, I bet there's
also a percentage of that of people who are unhappy.
But screw all that.
That's a limiting belief.
And so prove to yourself in whatever way that you possibly can that that one bad experience
does not reflect the rest of your life.
So finding the root cause can be helpful as well.
Next, somebody said I didn't grow up religious, but still experience extreme guilt, especially
with intimacy.
Sex makes me feel guilty.
What do you think?
I completely understand this because even to this day, I still have this sort of weird
imposter syndrome when it comes to sex and even other like more adult activities like
drinking alcohol or I don't know.
Even like going to a club or like going to a bar like I get a weird guilty feeling.
I get a weird feeling of imposter syndrome like I'm not supposed to be doing this.
Like I don't deserve to participate in these adult activities.
And I actually struggle to understand why I feel that way.
I don't know 100% why, but I can tell you what I've done to help combat them.
I think it can be really helpful to look up the science of these things because it can
help you understand why you enjoy doing these things.
I think let's talk about sex specifically.
Like humans like sex for a reason.
We enjoy sex for a reason.
It's because biologically we're built to enjoy it.
Like that's why we have such pleasurable orgasms.
That's why we feel sexually attracted to others.
This all is biological.
This is being human to want to have sex to enjoy sex is to be human.
And all of us are very different in the ways that we enjoy sex.
Like I personally am very vanilla.
I don't like anything too crazy and that's just who I am.
But I think it can be even more challenging to accept one's desire to have sex if they
have maybe more eccentric desires, maybe there's certain kinks that you enjoy, maybe you
have certain fetishes.
Like that is even harder to accept because it feels even more taboo.
It feels even more sort of dirty and naughty in the eyes of sort of society, I think.
And it is challenging to shed these feelings of guilt when they're so deeply ingrained
in us for one reason or another.
And again, like we don't even necessarily know why we feel guilty.
Like I still don't know why I feel guilty and sort of weird sometimes about sex.
But I think understanding the science of it really helped me be like, this is literally
part of being a human being.
And enjoying sex is actually very beneficial for your health.
You know, like one thing I'll say is that when I'm having a so-tema, I don't know if
this TMI, maybe if I whisper it, it'll be less TMI.
No, okay.
I'm saying, when I'm having good, healthy sex in my life, okay, I am so much happier.
I cannot make this up.
And it doesn't even necessarily need to be with a partner.
Like you can figure that out on your own.
You can have a healthy sex life on your own through obviously like masturbation of sorts.
But yeah, like in general in life, if I'm either having good sex with a partner or I'm
doing my own thing because I'm single or whatever and I'm like not type that really likes to
like hook up with people randomly because that doesn't work for me.
Unfortunately, we're not necessarily unfortunately.
Neutrally, it does not benefit me.
I'm happier.
I don't know why.
There's probably some sort of scientific reason for it, but it makes me feel good and I'm
happier and I'm less grumpy and everything is good.
I don't know why that is, but it's true.
And so I think doing research about it and realizing that it's human can really be helpful.
And last but not least, somebody said, how does that feeling ashamed of your mental health
diagnosis?
There are many different levels of mental health diagnosis and I think depending on what
you've been diagnosed with, it can be far more challenging and this advice might not
be helpful.
And I think honestly the best place to find advice for this is through a therapist because
I think mental health diagnoses are so complicated that I think in this case, it is really good
to talk to a professional and I think that they can help you come to terms with your diagnosis
better than I ever could.
So I am hesitant to even give any advice.
But I think when it comes to any sort of challenge that comes up in one's life, whether it's
a diagnosis or it's becoming aware of one's toxic traits or negative traits, like whatever
it may be, feeling like something's wrong with you in one way or another is really hard
on the self esteem, is really hard on the way that one views oneself.
You can feel broken, you can feel like there's something wrong with you, you can feel like
day by day you're becoming more alienated from your community because you're different
in some way.
But the truth of the matter is everyone has their shit, okay?
Everyone has their shit.
No one gets through this life.
I don't know what the saying is, scratch, it should be.
I think it's scotch free, scotch free.
Okay, yeah, it's scot free.
No one gets through life scot free, which means no one just gets to get through their life
completely free from penalty or harm.
You know, everyone has their shit.
And it's important to remember that you're not alone in it.
It's normal to feel that way.
I know this is a cliche, everybody's like, you're not alone.
It's like shut the fuck up, but it is true.
If you were to have a deep enough conversation with just about anyone, you would come to
find that they have their own version of a challenge that you have for the most part.
You'd be shocked at how many people are dealing with their own personal demons, if you
will.
And it's important to remember that in these moments.
It's important to keep hope.
You know what?
I'm just going to do my best to take this challenge and deal with it as best as I can.
And that's all we can do as humans.
But also to remember that we're all dealing with some shit and remind yourself that every
single day when you feel like you're the only one.
Because I think that that's the hardest part about it.
You're not.
Being a human means experiencing tough shit, but you're going to get through it.
And there's a support system out there for you somewhere, whether it's in therapy or
it's finding people on social media who are dealing with the same challenges that you
are, whatever it may be, find a support system, remind yourself that you're not alone.
And you fucking got this.
All right, you guys.
That's all I have for today.
Thank you all for listening and hanging out.
I hope that this was in some way useful to you or enjoyable for you.
I love you all and appreciate you all for listening.
New episodes of anything goes every Thursday and Sunday.
You can stream anywhere.
You get podcasts, video interviews are exclusively on Spotify though.
And you can check out anything goes on social media.
Anything goes.
You can check out me on social media.
I'm a Chamberlain.
See what I'm up to.
You can check out my coffee company at Chamberlain Coffee or go to ChamberlainCopy.com.
Go on the store locator, see if we're in a store near you or just order online and it'll
show up to your door.
That's all I got for today.
Thank you all for listening.
Thank you all for hanging out again for the third or fourth or maybe just second.
I don't remember time.
I love you all and I appreciate you all.
I will talk to you soon.
Bye.
