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That's Hey, what's up everybody.
This is Keir Gains and welcome to Radio Headspace.
Also welcome to Friday.
This is our final day together and this week has been so dope.
We've talked about a lot.
We've explored a lot.
We challenged ourselves on things and I hope that you got as much out of this as I have.
It's been really fun.
Now it's been really meaningful to share stories and tips about supporting men's mental health and wellness because it's something that really is dear to me.
To round off this week, I want to highlight that improving our mental health can improve everyone around us.
It's not just for us y 'all.
As a father and as a husband, I know firsthand the impact that my mental health has on my family and let me tell you it's significant.
Today we're going to get into how choosing therapy and choosing to care for our mental health is not a solo pursuit.
So one way that mental health is not just beneficial to you, it's also beneficial to your family, is by way of changing your approach to life.
I think that sometimes when we feel things deeply, we're not always cognizant of how it affects the people around us.
There's significant research that suggests that children of parents who experience profound depression, it affects the way that those children see life.
It affects the way that they grow up and it has an impact on their mental health.
We live in a time where parent estrangement is more prolific than it's ever been.
And I think in those conversations we have a propensity sometimes to vilify our parents and the things that they did that negatively impacted our mental health feels like they did it on purpose.
But in all actuality, sometimes they're just people who were overcome with emotional circumstances that they didn't have the tools to address, to fix, to cope with, or to overcome.
The difference between us in this present moment and our parents is time and perspective.
I love when people say, I'm doing everything I can to make sure that my kids don't have to go to therapy.
I applaud that, but that's not how it works.
The things that your kids are going to have to go to therapy for aren't going to be things that are obvious to you because they're not things that you're purposely doing to damage them or to degrade their quality of life.
It's a byproduct of the feelings that you're feeling and your ability to cope with them or see them while they're happening in real time.
Years ago, I worked in a community and I was lucky enough to work with a parent and child duo and they were having conflict that was negatively affecting their relationship in a way that was noticeable.
Now anxiety and depression manifest themselves in different ways and people.
And in this particular parent who was in the middle of some really, really strong personal challenges, the way that their anxiety and depression manifested was as irritability.
When you talk to the parent, the irritability was coming from the fact that they were completely overstimulated, why dealing with an anxious mind and a depressive mood?
When you talk to the child, they didn't see anxiety.
They didn't see depression.
They saw a parent who was annoyed with them constantly and consistently and internalized it as something that they were doing.
So it's my fault that my parent does this.
If I don't, if I got better grades, maybe my parent wouldn't be as upset with me.
If I did the dishes, the first time they asked, maybe I wouldn't have been screamed at.
Maybe I wouldn't have been hit.
Maybe I wouldn't have had this awkward feeling of hostility in our house.
That is descriptive of parent -child relationships in this space and it happens often.
In all actuality, the parent didn't hate the child.
The parent loved that child more than anything.
No one wakes up every day and goes to two jobs that they hate because they dislike the person that they bought into the world.
Well, I'm not going to say nobody, but more often than not, there's more to the story than that.
But because the anxiety and depression manifested as irritability and the parent couldn't see it, it was aversely affecting the child in a way that really altered their self -identity.
Now, when it comes to families, I think that men struggle with specific themes that are harmful to themselves and the people around them.
Masculine ideology is really dependent on self -reliance for its identity, but there's a difference between self -reliance and self -isolation.
And when you become so self -reliant that you don't know how to utilize the help of the people around you, it has a negative impact on the family.
When you don't have a very strong muscle around your help -seeking behaviors, your ability to raise your hand and say, hey, this is where my limitations exist.
How do we get past this?
Well, there's a few thoughts that I like to share with you that help us move past some of these stickier points within the dynamics of our family.
One is, man, forget norms.
Forget norms. You have to go with what each person is good at.
My wife and I, we call it, uh, forgive me, this is going to be nasty.
We call it poop and vomit.
I am all the way down to clean vomit.
I'm not cleaning poop, man.
I can't do it. My stomach can't take it.
My wife, she'll clean poop.
She ain't clean a vomit, man.
Like her stomach, she can't do it.
It's not about the norms.
It's not about the expectations.
It's about who is good at what and who hates the thing that needs to be done the least.
Sometimes that's an effective way of making sure that the roles aren't so specified that they take away the strength of the individuals within the system, but the roles cater to the strength of the people within the system and allows them to do that job and take ownership of it.
Uh, we also really encourage flexibility.
The idea that whatever your role is, isn't static.
It can bend and sway to the multiple and very diverse needs within a family.
And finally, one thing that we do is we help everyone in the family understand that yes, there is a central value system here.
The family has a set of values, but each individual approaches these values in a very different way.
So we ask you to get rid of the word supposed to, the word supposed to is indicative of an expectation of somebody that did not come from them that may not fit them.
And that may be very difficult for them to maintain for a long period of time.
Everyone in a family has a place.
Everyone should, there should be a hall.
I just say it should.
That's one thing that we try to take away, but it's very good.
If there is mutual respect within the family system and it's good when we can practice responding either positively or neutrally to information, that's hard to hear.
It's going to require emotional maturity.
It's going to require emotional literacy.
It's going to require you to take a hard look at yourself.
And I think most importantly, it's going to require you to take all of the skills that we learned this week, bundle them up in a satchel, throw them over your shoulder and carry them with you.
When you have meetings with the family, everyone has a place.
Everyone has a voice and everybody deserves to be heard.
You include it. So give yourself grace so that you're better able to give grace to the people around you.
And what you'll find is that the communication and the feelings and the peace and the ease will start to come with less resistance over time.
That's it for me this week.
I hope that the conversations that we've had helped you in some way to reflect on your own mental health journey and maybe even inspired some next steps towards healing and growth.
If you like these episodes, you can hear more content from me over at Instagram.
You can follow me at care gains.
You can also subscribe to my sub stack job well done.
And you can find the link to this show in the description.
I want you to take care of yourselves.
I want you to have a great weekend.
And I want you to know that this is job well done.
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