hello welcome to or welcome back to transicare if you're new here my name is ashley and i post every single monday and we just sit down and we chit chat we hang out we talk about life and what's going on in my head and we have a good time i'm now posting the episodes on youtube so if you like to have a visual
and see who's talking because the amount of times people have like found me on social media and they're like i did not expect you to look the way that you do from like hearing your voice on your podcast if you like to have a visual you can now go to YouTube and watch my podcast I'm not doing anything
I'm just sitting in my bed but if you want to put a face to the voice she's there I'm she isn't me I am on YouTube now so that's in the show notes my Instagram my TikTok everything's there also a new advice form is in the show notes if you want to ask me questions if you need advice if you have any
feedback if there is any episode you really want me to do.
You can also put those there or you could just reach out to me on Instagram.
I'm pretty good about checking my DMs.
Anyways, now that we're done with the intro, I'm sure you've heard the phrase, if they wanted to, they would.
I mean, I hear all the time.
It's all over social media and although I don't 100 % agree with that statement and we'll get into that, I do think that you can apply it to yourself and that's what I've been thinking about lately.
Like, thinking about the statement in relation to myself.
If they wanted to, they would.
If I wanted to, I would.
I feel like we're so quick to examine other people's behaviors and then come to this conclusion about what they want based on their behavior.
But we don't do the same for ourselves.
We make a lot of excuses for why things aren't working out for us.
And a lot of the time, it's because of our own behavior.
It's not because the universe is against us.
It's just we're not putting enough effort into things that we care about.
So that's what we're going to talk about today.
If you wanted things in your life to work, you would make them work.
If you wanted to, you would.
I feel like this quote, if they wanted to, they would, is pretty self -explanatory.
If someone wants to do something, they're going to do it.
If I want a coffee, I'm going to go downstairs and make myself a coffee or I'm going to go to Dunkin' and buy myself a coffee.
If I want to spend time with my fiancé, I'm going to make time to hang out with my fiancé.
And we use this kind of thinking to look at other people's behaviors and then come to a conclusion of like what they want based off their actions.
So like if your best friend consistently doesn't respond to your text, you might come to the conclusion of like she doesn't want to talk to me because if she wanted to, she would.
Or like if your boyfriend isn't putting effort into the relationship, your best friends might come to the conclusion of like he doesn't want to be with you because if he wanted to put effort in, he would and he's not.
So clearly he doesn't care.
And the reason that I said that I don't 100 % believe if they wanted to, they would is because there's been times where I wanted to and I didn't.
Like there's been times where I wanted to reach out to an ex -friend, but then I was afraid to or I was nervous to or I thought they didn't want me to and it wasn't because I didn't want to I really wanted to but I just didn't think it was the right thing to do so although I don't 100 % agree with it
I do think that you can apply that kind of thinking to yourself and hold yourself accountable in situations where you would normally be like oh well like it's just not working out for me or the universe is against me and it's like well no maybe you're just not putting in enough effort I think using
this kind of thinking of like if I wanted to do something I would do it can really help motivate you and keep you on track to achieving your goals and achieving the things that you want out of your life I think it's very normal and valid for people to feel discouraged when things aren't working out
in their favor or they're unsatisfied with their situation like maybe they hate their job or their living situation or their financial situation or maybe they don't love how their body looks or the relationships in their life.
I think it's so valid to have these feelings of like I want more or I'm just unhappy.
But I also think people have a really hard time calling themselves out on their bullshit.
Instead of looking inward and asking themselves what have I not been doing or you know what can I do better they just jump to well nothing ever works out for me like I'm cursed the universe the universe hates me like everything always works out for everyone else but never for me like they just want
to blame everyone other than themselves they don't want to hold themselves accountable and I've been this person a million times there's been so many times where something doesn't work out for me I try and I try and I try and it just doesn't work out and instead of taking a step back and examining the situation and being
like okay what can i change what can i do better i just jump to self -pity and like self -soothing behaviors because it's so much easier to do than holding yourself accountable and being like okay what am i not doing what could i do better it's easier to be like oh poor me nothing ever works out for me
than be like okay i need to step it up what can I do better it is so much easier for people to play the victim and feel sorry for themselves than to hold themselves accountable and work through the problem and try to make the problem go away unfortunately people have a really hard time with self -awareness
they have a really hard time admitting when they're wrong or when they don't know something they have a really hard time admitting when people might know more than they do and when it comes to other people they're so quick to be like oh well they're messing up here they're not doing this right they're
so stupid like how did they not see this like you could have the same problem as your friend but if your friend came to you for advice you'd be able to steer them in the right direction and give them all of these tips on how to like overcome their situation but when it comes to you you're like dumbfounded
it's like well I've tried everything I've done everything and like it's just not working so clearly I'm not the problem like there's just a problem and you know I'm just going to give up.
The reason people jump to this conclusion of like, I'm not the problem.
I'm doing everything I can.
And it's just not working.
It's not working. And there's nothing more I can do is because they lack self -awareness.
And the reason so many people lack self -awareness is because it's really hard to admit when you're wrong.
It's really hard to admit when you could be doing something better or ego wants to tell us that we're doing everything perfectly.
And we have the best intentions and like, we're right all the time.
And that's just simply not true.
And it's really hard to admit that it's not true.
Pointing out your flaws or your mistakes or like where you dropped the ball that time doesn't feel good.
Like it makes you feel like shit.
And that's why so many people have difficulty with being self -aware.
It's not because they can't be self -aware.
It's because they don't want to.
They don't want to see where they've messed up.
But the thing is, that's the only way we grow is by admitting when there's a problem that needs to be fixed.
That's the only way things can change.
You can't change by staying the same.
if you want to be great you have to admit that you're not great yet that's the only way that you can get to greatness now this is where the concept if they wanted to they would comes in and applies to you like think about when you're talking to your girlfriends about your situationship and the guy you're
talking to hasn't texted you back in like two weeks your girlfriends are like well babe like if he wanted to he would if he wanted to text you he would if he wanted to take you on a date he would if he wanted to date you and be exclusive with you he would start applying that thought to yourself if there's
something that you want and there's things that you can do to work towards it then you should be doing it because if you wanted to you would whatever it is that you want no matter how hard it seems to achieve no matter how long it takes to achieve no matter how many times you have to fall and get up
and keep trying you need to keep trying you need to keep putting an effort you can't just give up the same way that you would expect the people in your life to continue trying and not give up on you like you wouldn't want your boyfriend to just like give up on your relationship because you're fighting Like
imagine if he was like, you know, we fight and then we make up and then we fight again and I feel like I can't do anything.
Like I feel like I can't do anything right.
Like no matter what, we just fight.
So you know what? I'm just going to break up with her because we keep fighting.
I mean, that can be valid in some situations, but like you would expect someone that you've been dating for a while and that you have a strong connection with to fight for you and want to be with you and want to work through your relationship and not just like give up when times get hard.
So whatever it is that you want, whether it's like this huge goal or a job or a relationship or a friendship, whatever it is, if it's important to you and you really want it, you need to see it through and you need to continue to nurture it and give it effort and try for it and not just give up when like
you feel like it's going in the opposite direction because yes it might feel like it's not working out for you and it's going in the opposite direction but i can promise you if you give up and you stop trying it's going to keep going in the opposite direction and it's never going to be yours ever if you're
in a position like this right now and you're unhappy you're unsatisfied with your life and you feel like no matter what you do nothing ever works out for you you feel like the universe is against you you feel like everything is so much easier for everyone else and it's never easy for you, feels like
everything's always working against you, I'm going to have you ask yourself three questions.
One, where and how am I not showing up for myself?
Two, am I making excuses or taking action?
And then three, what do I want and how can I get it?
Now, these are loaded questions and obviously they're going to be hard to answer especially if you have difficulty with being self -aware and being honest with yourself and being like okay hey things aren't working out and I need to change up my plan and like maybe I don't know everything and maybe I
do need help and maybe I need to change my thinking so something that I do when I am in this situation is looking at it but with someone in replacement of me so like I imagine that my best friend or a stranger has this problem and I ask myself how would I view it and what advice would I give them if they
came to me and was like this thing isn't working and like I've exhausted my options like I don't know what to do what would I say to them for example there's been times throughout my social media journey where I've gotten really down to myself because my views were low or I wasn't growing and I was like
well I'm doing everything like I'm posting every day I'm posting multiple times a day and my views are just down like I feel like I'm not on the for you page anymore I feel like I'm shadow banned and like everyone else does what I do and they get rewarded for it and I don't so like I'm just gonna give
up because it's just clearly not working it's not me it's just not working and the thing is my friend could come to me with that same problem and instead of me being like you're right the universe is against you I would be like well have you tried changing up your content like maybe your audience wants
something different have you tried a different hook a different caption maybe different hashtags have you tried posting at a different time have you tried engaging with your audience or engaging with other content creators are you cross promoting your content like are you even promoting your content
or are you hiding that you're posting on tiktok to your friends and family because you're embarrassed and also are you posting what you want to post like are you proud of what you're posting or are you posting because you feel like you need to because a lot of the time when you're posting content that you
don't even want to post and you're not enjoying it people can see that people can see when you're not enjoying your time and you're doing it for another reason than just like creating content and that's a good reason for people to not want to engage with what you're doing all of those questions that i
would be asking my friend are so much more productive than just writing it off as yeah it's not working for you you should just give up but the thing is it is hard to say that to yourself it's hard to ask yourself those questions it's hard to be honest with yourself but that's what you need to grow
that's what you need to change your situation if you hate your living situation instead of being pissed off about it and being like well i applied to a bunch of places and I didn't hear back and I guess I'm just going to be stuck here and I'm never going to move.
Ask yourself, am I doing everything that I can?
Am I looking every single day for a different place to live?
Am I following up and like reaching out to these people?
Am I making time and actually going to tour apartments and houses?
Am I responding to emails and answering phone calls can people reach out to me?
Am I minimizing what I want?
Like am I being realistic with what I want?
Am I being too specific with what I want?
Like these are all questions that are so much more productive than just writing it off as like things aren't working out for me.
Well are you doing everything that's necessary to get what you want?
It is hard to ask yourself these questions and be really real with yourself because it doesn't feel good to admit that you're not fully showing up for yourself the way that you feel like you should be you're used to feeling like shit about things not working out but you're used to putting that blame
on someone else and not yourself it's not gonna feel good to admit like oh yeah the reason I'm in this situation is because I'm not putting in as much effort as I should be putting in whatever you're not changing you're choosing if you're living a life right now that you're not satisfied with but you're
not doing anything to change it you are choosing that life it's not because the world is against you it's not because you're cursed and you don't deserve good things you're not allowing yourself to have good things imagine you go to your boyfriend with a problem and you express to him what's bothering
you and he just dismisses how you feel and he's like okay well I didn't mean to do that I didn't mean to make you feel that way you don't want him to just like brush it off like it doesn't matter you want him to be receptive and really look at the situation and be like okay wow I'm sorry that I've been this way
towards you. You want him to fix the behavior.
You want him to change the behavior so that the relationship can work.
You're not going to him in hopes of like making him feel like shit.
Your intention isn't to attack him or make a bigger problem.
Your intention with addressing the problem is to fix the problem.
You want him to be better.
You want your relationship to be better it's the same thing with yourself you're not addressing the things that you're kind of like not doing the best to make yourself feel like shit you're not trying to be like oh you suck at this and you made a mistake here to make yourself feel bad you're doing it
to be like okay this is where we can improve when you're able to have this self -awareness that's when things are really going to change in your life because you're going to realize oh things are going to change if I allow them to.
Things are going to get better if I allow them to.
Once you're aware that you do have power and things aren't actually working against you, you're going to be so much more focused and determined and more aware of the decisions that you make because you're going to realize the decisions that you make impact how your life is.
For example, let's say that you want to grow on social media and you have some free time and normally you take this free time to just lay on the couch and this time you're laying on the couch and you're like I haven't filmed a video in a couple days maybe I should get off the couch and film it and post
it and promote it and then after I do that then I can come back and lay on the couch and watch my video and enjoy it instead of laying there and being like let me check who followed me today oh no one looks like I'm never gonna grow on social media meanwhile you haven't posted in two weeks that A one
little decision to get off the couch and film your video is going to help you so much.
You might not blow up overnight because of that video.
It might flop, but it's a step in the right direction.
It's creating a pattern of like, if I want to make this work, I have to do these things to make it work.
The more that you do it, the easier it's going to be to make that thing work.
Like I'm not a psychic or anything, but I can almost guarantee that you're going to have a lot more luck growing on social media.
if you're posting videos on social media, then laying on your couch, bitching about how it's not working out for you.
The things that you want, want you to, but they're not just going to be given to you.
You need to put an effort.
You're not just going to be given the keys to your dream house without working your ass off to pay for that house and to find that house, right?
Like the things that you want, want you to, but you need to put work in to make them work.
The grass is greener where you water it right the things that you care about you need to take care of like they need consistency they need effort they need love if you want these things to want you you need to show them that you want them just as much if not more that is where i'm gonna end today's
episode i hope you enjoyed it i hope it kicked your ass a little bit and made you a little more self -aware.
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And yeah, I hope you enjoyed it.
As always, I love you.
I appreciate you. And you rock.
So I will talk to you guys next Monday.
Love you. You
