Everyone is always asked that one cliche question as a kid.
What do you want to be when you grow up?
Although there's not really a way to completely figure out that question as a child, I think inevitably humans tend to strive for a sense of purpose and meaning as to why we're here or why we exist.
And for as long as I can remember, creating these videos has been my personal meaning as to why I exist.
Whether it was filming a cringy skit or a shitty music video, I've always been in love with the concept of creating an idea or a story in my head and then seeing it come together.
We're in a mustache shop!
Okay, let's show you around.
I would hope my ideas come together a little bit better now, considering the numerous amounts of years and sleepless nights I've spent working on this passion of mine.
But eventually, when I graduated high school and was left questioning what my next step in life was, I decided pursuing this dream of creating films full-time was the answer to that one question.
Thank you.
In these past few months I've honestly experienced some of my lowest points in making videos, due to the constant internal and external pressures that come with being a content creator.
I'm just getting to a point where I like can't keep up with this.
I thought I could, but it's like These pressures have made it feel extremely difficult to balance everything and have also been detrimental to my mental health.
Overall, I've just started to question whether or not this dream is what I expected it to be or what it seemed like it would be.
I now present to you, projecting my problems.
That sounded way cooler in my head.
Let's just start off with creating as an example, okay?
Creating is something that has to happen naturally, like you can't really force inspiration, which makes the process of creating these videos very unpredictable.
Therefore, it is not the most reliable or stable source of income all the time.
Which brings me to my next problem.
Even though I'm not even doing this for the money, I obviously need to be getting paid to a certain extent, because this is a full-time job.
So that kind of creates this weird dynamic where I obviously need to make videos because I need money to make more videos, but then it completely takes away from the reason that I'm even making these videos in the first place, doing this because I love doing it.
But then that almost creates another problem where, like I like doing it too much at times and I just constantly overwork myself and never give myself a break.
There isn't really like a set time and place that I go to and from my job every day.
So it results in my brain just constantly being in this like work mode, which creates this whole other problem.
Even when i try to relax and give myself a break, i literally feel guilty or like i'm wasting time because i'm not working and that leads into another problem.
I don't even want this to feel like work, because this is a passion and it's a hobby of mine and I just want to make stuff that I'm proud of, you know.
But even when I do make stuff that I'm genuinely proud of apparently, according to YouTube Studio, my video just isn't good enough or it's not as good as the rest of my videos, which is a whole other topic.
Numbers and analytics and stuff have been fucking with my head so much recently.
I never gave a single shit about numbers before, but because this is kind of like what I do now I guess it almost was like I have to care to a certain extent, because that's how your worth online is determined.
I could go on and on about all these issues, but I'm very aware this probably just came across like I was complaining.
So yeah, basically my life is just a shit show right now.
It's just a big clusterfuck.
The point is it just feels like one problem constantly leads to another and eventually starts to feel like this never ending ripple effect of problems I can't seem to escape.
And obviously all of these problems result in me constantly feeling overwhelmed with anxieties that make me question if my creativity is starting to become disingenuine.
Hey Natalie, just following up on that deal.
I got an email back Unfortunately, there's a lot of requirements in this project.
The guidelines state you're not allowed to use that music because of copyright purposes.
Your last video didn't perform as well.
They want to terminate the agreement.
You need to post more on your channel.
If you're not posting consistently, you can't expect that to work out.
You don't upload enough.
In attempt to find a solution, i decided to go into the forest so i could set up my hammock and my camera to just have a genuine conversation.
I just set up this hammock all on my own.
I didn't even have to look at like a tutorial or anything.
I'm duct taping my camera to a tree right now.
This is definitely peaceful.
I just don't really know like what i'm.
I kind of look like an idiot, But of course, like I said before, I can't seem to escape the problems.
The second I start filming, it's dumping fucking rain.
Oh my God, why does this like add to, this is like the symbolism for my life.
Fuck this, what the fuck?
What the fuck?
I purposely checked the weather before coming out to film this today to make sure it was not supposed to fucking rain.
And now I'm sitting here getting fucking stoked.
I really hate that.
This is probably just coming across like i'm just complaining.
I'm not.
That's not my intent with this whole video, you know.
Um, i i think i'm just trying to be honest, like that's almost a problem.
Itself is like i can't.
I feel like I'm constantly walking on eggshells with what I can do or say, because I don't want to say the wrong thing.
Oh my god, it's really coming down.
I'm just embracing this shit at this point.
I'm so over it.
I originally wasn't even going to use this footage because obviously the rain was just a minor inconvenience compared to everything else, but there's just been so many moments almost exactly like this in the past few months where things seem to just perfectly align out of my favor.
Okay, of course the second I like start driving home, it stops raining and it's...
I could see the blue sky peeking out a little bit, which maybe sounds dramatic, but I guess I'm just trying to say the process of creating has been hard to enjoy when there seems to be so many obstacles around every corner.
And that's probably the worst part of everything.
It's almost like I can't even enjoy getting to pursue my dream career, because all of these problems and pressures completely wash away the happiness I should be feeling.
I think it all comes down to the fact that I just don't want this to turn into something it's not, you know.
I wanna make sure that I'm always doing this for the right reasons and because of the genuine passion behind it, but it's just hard to balance that at times.
For sure.
That's the struggle here is like i'm like watching it kind of turn into something.
It's not because i just i get so consumed and like overwhelmed with all the negative aspects of everything all the time and if i lose this, honestly in a lot of ways i feel like i don't really have anything like for as long as i can remember, even still to this day, This has genuinely been the only thing in my life that has ever made me feel like I'm actually worth something.
So I'm not gonna just give up, obviously.
I'm not gonna With everything going on.
I had an idea to revisit somewhere special to me.
I'm currently back in Nevada for a little bit.
For those of you who don't know, this is where I grew up.
I didn't actually move to Oregon until freshman year of high school.
It's always interesting being back somewhere that you haven't been for a while.
That's my old elementary school, guys.
I lived all the way down there, but this is the street that I would go to when I would run away.
But the real reason I went back was for this one specific spot I would always go to when I first started making videos.
The last time I was up here was when I was like 13.
So it's really weird being back up here after all this time.
Right up in that area is where I'd always go.
And then there's like this amazing view of everything.
Look at that guys.
The reason I came back up here is to kind of just force myself to see my life right now from the eyes of my 13 year old self.
Because I think sometimes I forget that making videos full time is all I ever wanted growing up.
Like this was my dream and now here I am.
Going back definitely didn't fix all my problems, but I do think it showed me that getting to make these videos is worth the problems it comes with at times.
I'm not at all trying to say that i think i'm like the most successful youtuber or anything like that.
I'm obviously like irrelevant compared to most people but um, i definitely think my younger self would be proud like yeah, the shit can get overwhelming at times, but genuinely there is nothing else in my life, in this world, I would rather be doing than exactly what I'm doing right now with making these videos.
I genuinely would not trade this for anything.
And also just going back to what I was saying earlier, like no one really knows why we're here.
People kind of just have to give themselves like a personal reason as to why we exist.
And this just happens to be mine.
Getting to make these videos is, I feel like, why I'm here.
Creating these ideas and telling these stories from my experiences in life is kind of like my way of making sense of my life.
I guess you could say I don't know, I don't know what I'm trying to say, but like I'm very content with my life, I guess.
Even with the problems, even if it gets overwhelming, I don't ever want to take it for granted.
And this was a great reminder to not.
This is insane.
This is insane.
You'll be burning in time, lonely.
Who am I to you?
And who am I, darling, for you?
Who am I to be burning?
Who am I, darling, to you?
Who am I?
This doesn't feel real.
They took it right there!
If we can climb the mountain.
It's even harder.
I was also trying to get like an artsy shot in the hammock earlier when it wasn't raining, and I fell out of it like it just dropped.
Loki kind of wanted to climb those water towers, but I know I probably shouldn't, but they look really cool and it's tempting because I could literally fit under the gate right there, no problem.
Ow, fuck.
Dude, I literally could have just broken my ankle.
Holy fucking shit, that was not good.
Hey, at least I didn't get struck by lightning.
I'm actually really surprised that didn't happen.
Ew, there's a bug on my hammer.
What the fuck?
Ew, fuck.
Over there is where I...
Got stranded in a ditch one time and a coyote chased me out of the ditch.
Yeah, let's not talk about that.
Thanks for coming to my TED Talk, guys.
I don't know why this got so deep for no reason.
How is my 13-year-old self more in shape than I am now?
This is...
