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Hi, welcome back to Radio Headspace.
It's Dora.
Not long ago, I was in a group meditation and found myself completely distracted, but not by my phone or to-do list.
I was stuck in a mental loop, replaying a conversation where I felt deeply dismissed.
It was one of those moments where someone said something small, but it hit a nerve.
I kept rehashing it in my mind what I should have said, what they should have said, how I could prove a point next time.
And there I was, sitting cross-legged, eyes closed, trying to find peace while fuming in silence.
This is what ill will looks like in meditation.
Resentment, judgment, irritation.
It's the voice that says they were wrong or this shouldn't be happening.
It can be directed outward towards others or inward towards ourselves.
Either way, it clouds our experience, narrows our hearts and tightens our minds.
But ill will isn't the enemy.
Like all the hindrances, it shows up as a signpost.
It lets us know, hey, something here hurts.
And with mindfulness we can meet that hurt, not with more resistance, but with a greater sense of understanding.
A few years ago, I went on retreat after a difficult period at work.
I had just left a project I'd poured my heart into.
It involved designing programming, facilitating workshops and holding space for others, which I loved.
But over time, the team dynamic started to shift.
There were miscommunications, misaligned expectations and a series of decisions made without my input that left me feeling sidelined.
Even though I knew stepping away was the right call, I was still carrying the weight of that experience the hurt, the disappointment, the resentment.
I told myself I was there to reset, to let go, and to soften.
But every time I sat down to meditate, my mind went back to that same looping story.
The unfairness, the betrayals, the words I never got to say.
I was frustrated that I couldn't drop it.
But a teacher on retreat offered something that shifted me.
He said, ill will is a form of pain.
Don't push it away.
Sit with it as you would with a friend who's been hurt.
That teaching changed everything.
Instead of trying to silence the angry thoughts or scold myself for having them, I began to listen to it more gently.
What was I really needing?
To be heard, to feel seen, to be reminded I was still worthy, even after a hard ending.
I started journaling after sits.
I practiced sending loving kindness to the people I was holding resentment toward, not because I was ready to forgive, but because I wanted to move forward.
And over time, Something softened.
The fire of ill will didn't disappear all at once, but it stopped burning me.
So if you're feeling stuck in irritation, anger or resentment, whether towards yourselves or others, know that this is one of the five natural obstacles that arise in meditation and in our everyday lives.
It doesn't mean you're failing, it just means that you're human.
And here's a few ways to work with it.
Number one is to name it kindly.
Notice the presence of ill will and say to yourself, ah, here is irritation.
Naming it gently creates space between you and the emotion.
Number two is to feel where it lives in your body.
Does it sit in your chest, your stomach, your jaw?
Sometimes just breathing into that space can help ease the grip.
Number three is to soften your approach.
Try sending kindness to the person or part of yourself you're struggling with.
Not because they deserve it, but because you deserve peace.
And number four, remember the deeper need.
Anger often masks as a vulnerability.
Beneath it might be a longing to feel understood, respected, or safe.
When you tend to that root, the reaction loses power.
And like all hindrances, ill will isn't here to punish us.
It's here to show us where we're hurting.
And when we meet it with care, it can lead us not just back to the cushion, but back to our hearts.
So today, if irritation shows up in your practice or your life, see if you can meet it not with more heat, but with a curious, kind and gentle awareness.
You don't have to rush to forgiveness or resolution.
Just take one small step towards peace.
Thank you so much for practicing with me and I'll see you back here tomorrow.
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We say That may have been too much feeling.
