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Hey, it's Marielle.
Welcome, weary travelers.
If you've tuned into this episode, you have likely journeyed to the mysterious and often maddening realm known as toddlerhood.
Watch your step.
The terrain is rocky here and the view's a little strange, with buildings made of Legos and covered in finger paint and a boisterous, wildly unpredictable population fueled by apple juice and mini muffins.
For us extraterrestrial adults, the laws of this loud and colorful land can often seem entirely illogical.
The rules of ownership are really different when I'm two and three, because the rules go if it's mine, it's mine.
If it's yours and I want it, it's also mine.
If I had it yesterday and you have it now and I want it, it's mine.
This is pediatric psychologist Roger Harrison at the Children's Hospital of Philadelphia.
He knows how to speak toddler.
Roger says, one of the fundamental things to understand about this moment is that it's as new and as bewildering for the child as it is for you.
See, when we're first born, we don't have any sense that we're separate from our caregivers.
But then as we start to grow, this amazing thing happens.
It dawns on me that, whoa, that is not me.
I am someone else.
The person who cares for me is a distinct human being.
And sometimes, when I cry, they don't come right away and I can't move and my legs don't work that well.
I don't have language.
And now I'm terrified.
And now I have to figure out who I am.
Toddlerhood is that period of self-discovery, the time generally ranging from about one to three years old, when a child is not only picking up new cognitive and motor skills and language at a mile a minute, but is learning about who they are often, by contrast, through opposition to all the other things in the world.
What's me and what's you?
What's real and what's not?
And so you'll notice your two-year-old start to say things like, no, even when I mean yes.
That kind of super fun pushback is just one of the qualities that makes toddlerhood so uniquely challenging.
What I notice is that when we understand the why of certain behaviors and when we can place the why within an appropriate developmental context, it allows parents not to personalize some behaviors and actually step back from the intensity of the emotion and address the behavior strategically.
On this episode of Life Kit, we learn how to talk toddler.
Life Kit reporter Andy Tegel, with the help of Roger and our other trusty guides, will help you better understand some of those tough parenting moments from your little one's perspective.
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Do you have a question that no one in your life can help with?
Something that makes the people around you go, yikes, what a weird question.
Well, freak, here on How to Do Everything, we want to help you out.
Each week, we get fantastic experts to answer your questions.
People like U.S. poet laureate Ada Limon, bodybuilder Arnold Schwarzenegger, and rapper Rick Ross.
Season two just launched.
Go listen to How to Do Everything from NPR.
For world-renowned cellist Joshua Roman, long COVID caused an identity crisis.
That was probably the lowest point.
No confidence in my ability to recover.
Crisis of faith about what music meant.
On the TED Radio Hour, how he found his way back to music and a new sense of self.
Listen on the NPR app or wherever you get your podcasts.
In case you're new here, let me state for the record unlike a beloved family quilt passed down from one generation of newborns to the next, the advice we're offering here is not one size fits all.
It's also not an exhaustive tour of toddlerhood.
Who's got the time?
But I promise you, my fellow underslept, overworried friend, we've got buckets of helpful information and a buffet of tools to keep in your back pocket.
From there... You gotta figure out what kid is in front of you.
Some kids come out of the womb with boxing gloves on.
You can't make direct eye contact.
You can't suggest anything.
So it's really about locking into the kid you have and creating that connection.
Because you're a zero to six-year-old, all they want is you.
Jamie Glowacki is a parenting and potty training educator with a background in social work.
She authored the books, Oh Crap, Potty Training, and Oh Crap, I Have a Toddler.
She says the problem with that unique connection is it can be a bit of a double edged sword because it can make those built in emotional swings of toddlerhood, the power struggles, feel really personal.
It can make you dig your heels in just as deep as your kid.
But you just have to let go of your end of the rope because you will never win.
Your child will eat you flesh and bones and spit out the bones like a piranha.
Like you will never, ever have the will of a toddler.
Takeaway one, remove your grown-up goggles when dealing with kids' emotions.
You can't reason with toddler talk and fighting toddler feelings is completely futile.
Remember that egocentric identity building Roger was talking about at the top?
He was actually underselling it a bit.
I only see one perspective.
I see it as clear as day.
I should get that treat.
And I believe that everyone else in the world sees the same thing.
And so when I want the treat and I don't get the treat, it makes no sense to me.
So sure.
In your reality, the sky is blue, the grass is green and you're already 20 minutes late.
It is time to put on shoes and head to daycare.
But over there in toddler world the clock very clearly reads it's eat cookies and play Legos o'clock.
Why can't you see?
So maybe you tried to reason with Tiny at this point.
Don't you want grandpa to do well at work?
It's a really big day at the office and I have to be on time because jobs are important.
The logic and reasoning, the perspective taking, the emotional regulation.
These are all executive function skills.
Now, what's important to know is that this part of the brain isn't fully developed to at least 25, 26.
This is Chaz Lewis.
You might know him better as the educator Mr. Chaz on Instagram.
Or seen him on your feed, breaking down the neuroscience of why a child's not listening to you.
And vice versa.
As the head of education at Birdhouse, that's a childcare center in New York, he follows a social-emotional practice called conscious discipline.
According to Chaz, what's likely happening in this moment is that your toddler is stuck in an emotional state.
What triggers us into the emotional state is something in the world simply not going our way.
And I'll repeat that executive state, like your capacity for reasoning and emotional regulation, isn't fully built out for most people until your mid-20s.
For toddlers, it's at best just glimmers and glimpses.
So if everything is going well for me, I can be really compassionate.
I can be at two or three and go over and give someone else a hug.
If I am activated, if I am disturbed, it is really really hard for me to engage in what adults imagine as an empathic response.
Socio-emotional skills are just that.
Skills like math or reading or tying your shoes.
They take time to learn and much longer to handle gracefully.
For young kids, of course, but also for parents and caregivers, who can just as easily lose grip on their skills when stressed out.
We're like, if you don't clean up your toys, we're going to throw it away.
They get triggered.
And then we let them trigger us to our emotional state where we can't access our own executive state skills.
So how do we hold fast to our own skill set and ensure we're not asking our toddlers to do the equivalent of emotional long division?
There are a number of strategies parents can use to develop empathy.
Almost none of them are going to be effective at the moment that the child is activated or having a big emotion.
So you got to try and cut off those great big feelings at the pass.
One option here.
Takeaway two.
Get weird with it.
Disrupt and distract with the power of play.
I feel like anytime I can see that a toddler is sort of stuck in a loop to do something weird is like my best opportunity.
Lane Dealing-Sherland, is a longtime preschool teacher, turned coach and content creator focused on adult-toddler dynamics.
If it's around snacks, maybe we're having snack under the table.
Maybe I will tell you, we're at the fanciest restaurant of your life.
Go put on a fancy skirt and bring it over here.
When Lane was teaching, her specialty was two-year-olds.
You know, the ones famously known for being terrible.
She says the thing about toddlers is they're little scientists.
The whole world, every action and interaction is a new experiment.
Can I crash into this thing?
Does it move?
Okay, I feel literally with my body like proprioceptive, the edges of myself, when I bump into stuff.
And I'm doing that in terms of relationship as well, of kind of crashing through my life finding out what works and what does not work.
Yes, she says.
Toddlers are weird, but they do things for a reason.
Just like grownups.
For example, maybe you have a little one at home who loves running around and bumping into stuff.
Like every living room is his own life-size pinball machine.
That feeling of crash feels really important and we can't actually sort of overprotect them in a way that they end up a little dysregulated, because actually their body just really needs this sensory input.
So play can be purposeful.
It can allow them to grow and gather new information.
And it's a super handy tool when say, your little one's upset over a non-existent ouchie, or overtired at the dinner table when God forbid their chicken touches their peas on their plate.
When they go big, Jamie says, try going even bigger.
Lean into it.
Oh my God, we gotta get it off, but wait, calm down.
No, calm down.
We gotta get the pee off the chicken.
It's the idea of a bigger, better offer, you know?
Because often, Lane says, a child will resort to conflict when they don't know how to do connection.
So it's maybe less about picking the exact right song on your car ride and more about not getting enough cuddle time this morning.
So... turn off the radio and make up your own silly song.
Or have a mini dance party before you get out of the car and send them on their way.
So sometimes, instead of needing to lay a boundary around a thing that I don't care that much about and have a whole fight, it's like actually, can I just offer you a different way for life to be interesting?
Can I turn this upside down?
When we're back, we'll fight one of parents' biggest fears, transitions.
The right tools at bath or bedtime can be as powerful as that favorite nightlight against the monster under the bed.
Okay.
So if leaning into the fanciful isn't your personal pretend cup of tea, let's talk about structure.
Takeaway three.
Transitions are scary.
Create consistency and share control where you can.
Wake up, change clothes, eat breakfast.
Toddlers are bossed around all day long with little explanation, understanding or say in the process.
So when your little one throws a huge fit about having to get out of the bath, try to remember it is huge for her.
It's one of the very few pieces of the world she has any agency over.
That's not a small thing.
The goal of toddlerhood, in my opinion, is to give a child enough power small, manageable pieces of their own personal power so that they can practice with it.
We want them to have practiced enough, at manageable levels, that when they are this young adult going out into the world, they kind of know this is how I make decisions.
My decisions do affect other people.
So, Spiderman shirt or baseball tee? blue plate or purple plate.
Finding opportunities throughout the day to offer your toddler two desirable choices can help them learn to wield that power and offer some control in the planning process of their life, but still allow you to steer the ship.
As in...
No, sweetheart.
We're not going to the playground right now.
We are going to go pick up your brother from school.
Would you like to drive past where we can see the cute dog in the yard that you love?
Or would you like to drive past the fountain in the park?
I decide where we're going.
I keep us on track.
I keep things safe and good.
And here are some things that you can choose from that totally work for me.
Keeping time can be another sticky one.
It's still a bit too abstract a concept at this age.
That's why directives like, you've got two minutes before bed are often unsuccessful or clunky.
We can help them by doing something like having a visual timer.
I recommend the one that communicates time with color, because they don't have the executive skills to just process it in their head and prepare to transition.
And showing them like, oh, look, there's a little bit less red.
Oh, look, there's a little bit less red.
There's a little bit less red.
Ding!
Blaine says one of the most powerful tools in these moments, your tone.
Do you ever find you get a little pre-apologetic?
Maybe go up an octave or two out of nerves?
Like, mommy will only be gone for a few hours.
No, Blankie isn't here right now.
The dentist is great.
And really what's happening is that my shoulders are up by my ears because inside I'm super nervous that they're going to hate it and they're going to cry and it's going to hurt them.
You know that's actually transmitting, particularly to your much younger toddlers, a lot more than your words are.
For a toddler, a kind but firm authoritative tone can feel as real and as reassuring as their favorite stuffy.
But that logic goes the other way, too.
If the vibes in their environment are off, they'll follow suit.
Which leads us right to takeaway four.
Don't just say don't.
Model what you want to see and give them a clear path to success.
Some of the hardest moments for me as a parent are when my kid gets physical with other kids or swats at me or his dad or his plate, when he's frustrated.
Dealing with that lack of impulse control is a common concern for parents at this phase.
But thankfully, not for her experts.
It's actually not mean to be hitting someone else when you don't have the ability to understand how it impacts them.
It's a tool that's not going to be successful.
And that's a really important framework for me.
You see developmentally, these little scientists are just looking for the shortest distance from where they are to what they want.
Of course, just knowing that information doesn't automatically make big moments of antisocial behavior any less stressful or activating for caregivers.
Depending on your upbringing, your history, you might even feel more inclined to curb these kinds of bad behavior with your own bigger behavior.
Might want to nip it in the butt, say, maybe with yelling or spanking or other types of aggression.
Traz says he gets that.
But it doesn't make sense for us then to expect our child not to hit or to yell or to use aggression when they want something that they are having a hard time with or they can't have.
Toddlers will do as you do, not simply as you say.
In part, because their language comprehension just isn't there yet.
Chaz says a very common mistake is parents will tell kids, no, no, no, no, no, we don't hit.
Don't take toys that aren't yours.
Don't touch, don't touch, don't touch, don't touch.
Then they get frustrated when kids don't listen or change their behavior.
But imagine if we just ended this segment with, don't yell at your kids.
Okay, bye.
You're going to be like, okay, well, how do I get them to transition?
If I don't give you anything else other than yelling is bad, then you're not going to have anything else to do in that moment.
For one, your average toddler doesn't fully grasp the concept of negation yet.
So when you say don't run in the kitchen, what they likely understand from that sentence is run in the kitchen.
And further research shows, telling a kid not to do something is less effective than giving them something to do successfully.
That's why hey, keep the sand in the sandbox is going to be a much better directive than don't throw sand.
And then when another child comes into that sandbox, takes your kid's toy and tiny smacks them in response.
Showing and telling them the right behavior is going to be the best way to correct that wrong move.
So in that case, you'd want to go over and calmly make sure everyone's safe, of course.
Create a barrier or some physical distance if you need to.
You want to remind your little one that you're a safe space.
I don't let you hurt people's bodies, and I don't let people hurt you, right?
That's always going to be the first thing that happens.
Then try to get to the root of the problem without any shame or blame.
Tend to both kids.
Make sure the one that got hit is okay.
Help them both feel understood with tone and touch and eye contact.
Then turn to the one who did the hitting.
The problem is you don't know how to get your toy.
You don't know how to ask for a turn or you're having a hard time with it.
Put a hand on the child's back or head and say, you wanted a turn with the toy.
When they're calm, show them what they could have done with both words and actions.
You're going to just teach them the assertive hand.
Your palm is facing the ceiling.
Teach them how to ask with age-appropriate language.
If they're younger, that might be, turn please.
Older might be, may I please have a turn when you're done?
Then practice those new skills with them right away.
So next time, now you have something else to do to get that toy, right?
Blaine says in her opinion this model-then-practice process is much more effective than just telling your kid to walk over and offer an empty.
I'm sorry.
I'm more modeling empathy for them at that stage than I am trying to require it from them, so that when that kind of clicks in, they're motivated to be learning social skills.
They've got that good muscle memory in there for when it clicks.
Like, oh, because like it hurts me, it would hurt you.
Of course, these lessons often don't take on the first try.
We're talking about toddlers, after all.
And enforcing strong, loving boundaries will often be required.
Takeaway five.
Want to curb misbehavior?
Mean what you say.
Breathe through the rest.
So, parenting a little human or two is hard enough on its own.
There's never a good time for a meltdown or a tantrum.
But the top of the list, in my humble opinion, handling a testy toddler in public.
Because... We do this thing that I call out loud parenting.
Yeah.
We over-explain because we want everybody in the vicinity to understand that we're a good parent.
No, no, no.
We don't eat Frosted Flakes.
That will stick to your teeth.
Understandable, of course.
But we also always want to do what's best for our kid.
Not parent out of embarrassment or shame.
So let's talk about options.
Parents are always managing behaviors.
You know, we get into that target, do not embarrass me in the store.
But I actually want parents to think strategically.
So consider your environment beforehand and do some contingency planning whenever possible.
Let's say, we get to the checkout and there's something at the checkout that you really really, really want.
What are some of the things that we can do to manage that?
Sometimes that prep is enough.
But as every parent knows, sometimes it's really not.
Like the day you go to the grocery store and Tiny catches a glimpse of that sugary cereal he had at Grandma's house, and you just know it is about to go down.
You say no.
He says yes.
It is about to be the power struggle to end all power struggles.
So Jamie says in that moment, step one, check your fuel tank.
Can you do this right now?
When it comes to public misbehavior especially, you gotta pick your battles.
And Jamie's expert opinion is, it is okay to cave.
Just don't wait.
I'm not judging you, man.
Open that box of Frosted Flakes for the kid and put them in the cart.
Like.
It's not preferred, of course, but cave early because then you look generous and you haven't taught the kid that it takes three times of yelling.
You haven't caved after saying no, no, no, yes.
That's the worst case scenario.
That tells your toddler your boundary is breakable.
They just have to push hard enough.
So when your answer is no, it really has to be no.
And that's where consequence comes in.
An appropriate consequence builds safety and trust because it's respectful, immediate, and logical.
So calmly name the specific bad behavior, give your kid a warning and, if they insist, take swift and appropriate corrective action.
I already told you we're not buying that cereal.
So if you don't put it back, I'm going to put you in the cart, because we need to keep it moving and get home for dinner.
You're not leaving your child home from Disney.
Like, you're not.
So stop threatening things that you're not going to do.
This is how you get like little punk three-year-olds who think they have this authority because all your child knows is you don't mean it.
So why should I stop the behavior?
Or if you only follow through sometimes and not others, you might create the perfect breeding ground for that thing.
We all know, but have managed to avoid all episode long.
Tantrums.
And to be honest, that's because there's not a whole lot I can offer you there.
A tantrum kind of needs to happen once it's like really gotten going.
Sometimes we can abbreviate that and that's great, but it's going to happen.
The advice from all our experts here take deep breaths, find a few favorite ways to keep yourself calm and have them ready for those big flare-ups.
One mid-tantrum tip I loved came from Lane.
Ask yourself, what are the actual stakes here?
Because it feels like an emergency to the back of your brain immediately, especially if you're in public.
There is not an emergency.
This is loud.
This is embarrassing.
I don't know what to do, and that feels scary.
That's the stakes.
So, as long as you and your little one aren't in immediate physical danger, just take your deep breaths, get to a more private space if you can, and wait for the storm to pass.
You know when your kid is ready.
Usually that's one of those kind of big, deep breaths.
You know, like I hear an opportunity, there I am to try and help.
And as soon as I see them engage with my help at all, then I'm really there.
You know, like when I see that there's an availability to be helped, then I have scooped someone up and we're co-regulating.
And Jamie says a little bit of box breathing and some soothing self-talk can go a long way too.
My kids just doing what kids do.
I'm going to let it ride.
I'm just going to be here when they're ready for a hug.
That's it.
Simple, not easy.
Simple, not easy. true for so much of parenting, no?
So remember in the same way that your toddler is a whole person, not just an equation to be solved or a silly little robot that constantly needs rewiring.
You're also not mama caregiving robot.
There's space for you to have needs and for you to need a moment and for you to say wow, we haven't been in this circumstance before.
I'm not sure how we're going to get there yet, babe.
Give me a second.
Okay, fellow humans, let's recap.
Takeaway one, fighting toddler feelings is futile.
You can't reason with someone in a different reality.
So do your best not to get worked up alongside them and instead try takeaway two, getting weird.
Toddlers play with purpose.
So bypass the power struggles by doing the same.
Infuse a little magic at bedtime, eat dinner under the table, shake things up and watch the tears disappear.
Takeaway three, loss of control can be extra tough for toddlers.
Give them agency where you can and consistent tactile tools to buoy them where you can't.
Takeaway four, toddlers are just beginning to develop impulse control.
So model the pro-social behavior you want to see, and when they get something wrong, do a little show, tell and practice to get that behavior to stick.
Takeaway five.
Appropriate consequences are respectful, immediate, logical, and follow through on.
That doesn't make them easy.
So don't forget to cut everybody some slack.
That was Life Kit reporter Andy Tegel.
Hey, have you subscribed to the LifeKit newsletter yet?
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Think of it as a weekly check in from your friends at LifeKit.
Subscribe at NPR.org slash LifeKit newsletter.
This episode of Life Kit was produced by Margaret Serino.
Our visuals editor is Beck Harlan, and our digital editor is Malika Gharib.
Megan Cain is our senior supervising editor, and Beth Donovan is our executive producer.
Our production team also includes Claire Marie Schneider and Sylvie Douglas.
Engineering support comes from David Greenberg and Jimmy Keeley.
I'm Mariel Cigarra.
Thanks for listening.
