Hi, and welcome back to The Big Deal Podcast.
I'm Cody Sanchez.
If you want to be respected for your words to carry weight, then this episode is for you.
I'm breaking down the communication techniques.
The top 1 used to get people leaning in, not tuning out.
By the end, you'll know how to stop sounding like everyone else and start speaking like the leader people want to follow.
So today, I want you to steal my confidence and respect.
First, speak in headlines.
Start with the point, not the preamble.
I obsess on my first sentence.
Why?
Executives don't waste time on throat clearing or setting up a big runway before they get to the takeoff.
By giving the headline first, you frame the conversation and make people lean in instead of tune out.
This is also how you never have somebody repeat your idea to a group of people and be able to take credit for it again, right?
When you speak decisively and you say something in front of a group, it would be ridiculous for somebody else to reframe your ideas and take them as your own.
This is called decisive speech.
Here's what that means.
Clear, direct statements, limited hedging, and using few qualifiers or apologies.
That's really signaling I am competent.
Let's say you want to talk to someone for a few minutes.
You're trying to get a few seconds with them, a boss, a coworker.
I brought this up last week, and what I think we should do instead is probably talk about this a little bit more, or we could table it and talk about it later.
Can I steal a few minutes?
Is now a good time?
Hey, can we talk about that?
A good time for what?
Why?
Why do you need to steal my minutes?
Where are they going?
What you don't realize, most people sound like that.
You instead will sound something like this.
I have a problem that is leading to misrevenue.
Can we discuss no longer than five minutes?
Or I found a problem.
I have a solution.
I need 30 seconds to get an okay for it.
The formula is what what's wrong?
Why does the other person care?
How long will you bother them?
The real issue here is marketing.
It's not moving fast enough.
We need to replace these two hires.
The budget is too low.
If we do these three things work in 24 hour cycles, spend one hour a day recruiting, increase the budget we will win.
That is how you get people to listen to you.
Warmth and competence.
It's not how smart, rich, or pretty you are.
Respect is about how fast you can signal, I'm a friend, which is trust and warmth.
And you can rely on me, competence.
The faster you can signal those two things, the more people like you and respect you.
I learned this from the number one behavioral psychologist I know, Vanessa Van Edwards.
There are warmth cues, that means like smiling, nodding, for instance.
A fun one is the slow triple nod, which is like this.
The other person speaks 67% longer.
That's because it is a nonverbal way to say, I hear you, I see you, tell me more.
If instead you go, uh-huh, three fast shakes like that, what is that signaling?
Okay, moving along, I'm ready to go.
Let's keep talking here about something else.
You do three little nods, a pause, and that signals, hey, I'm warm.
I want you to keep listening.
Another warmth cue is a head tilt.
So you could say, I have some news.
Straight shoulders, no movement.
I have some news.
That is a competent way to do it, but not warmth.
A warmth cue would be like, I have some news.
What are the two things that change?
Head tilt and a lift of the shoulders.
Now more competence cues for those of you who are listening, which is probably the most important thing you can do is confident posture.
So that's standing tall, shoulders back, occupying space, shows certainty, credibility.
Not hands below the table, hands in lap, hands hidden.
Instead, hands on the table or the microphone showing straight up and shoulders back.
Another way to show competence, steep lean of the fingers.
I'm listening, I'm thinking about that.
What do we think we could do there?
It's not like this though, that looks creepy.
This is a classic gesture.
What it basically means is, hey, I'm self-assured.
Next, cut words, add weight.
You wanna use fewer words, but make them sharper.
We'll double revenue in 12 months.
Okay, that is better than we have a plan to increase revenue significantly over the next year.
Like what's significantly?
When next year?
We want numbers, data, and credentials.
So when we mention certifications awards, supporting ideas with numbers, it reinforces our expertise.
So we don't have to be better or smarter.
The numbers do that for us.
Data plus brevity signals confidence and it makes every word carry weight, which commands attention to us.
So if I was a boss and I said tell me what you're gonna do about this problem, a bad example would be something like well, I think maybe what we should do next is try new hiring processes, or maybe we could talk to so-and-so about that person that they knew last week.
I'm not really sure, can I get back to you?
Bad answer.
A good answer is pause.
My gut reaction, which allows you to back out of it later if you find a better reaction.
My gut reaction is first step, we go and we talk to this person.
Second step, we write down the findings.
Third step we come back together in 24 hours for an assessment because I don't want to make too quick of a decision.
What do you think?
Great.
You've basically non-committed just as much as the other person has, but you sound like you have authority, even while you're saying I don't know.
I got to talk to a couple of people.
It'll probably take me a day or two, right?
Instead we're pausing, we're framing and we're saying we're going to regroup at a date time and checking for understanding.
Speak like you want to be heard.
This falls into three categories.
I call it the get.
Gestures, eyes, tone.
So you get heard.
So let's talk about gestures first.
Gestures need to be precise.
Using clear, purposeful hand gestures like finger steepling indicates deep thinking and self-assurance.
So we want to really use our hands in an intelligent way.
Authoritative vocal tone, speaking with a lower pitch, projecting the voice, avoiding filter words like ah, like signals confidence and confidence.
Narrowing your eyes briefly signals, I'm thinking about this.
I'm really focusing on what you're saying.
I've got active engagement and analysis.
A bad example of a tone, especially for women, sounds like this.
Hi, my name is Cody.
I'm really excited to work here today.
I have worked in marketing for the past 10 years.
What am I doing there?
Well, I'm getting an uptick at the end of each sentence, very normal for women to do.
Instead, what would I want to do?
Hi, my name is Cody.
I've been working in marketing for the past 10 years.
I'm really excited about what we're gonna do here next.
I can still smile, I can still nod, but my tone is flat and a little bit lower than normal.
If you hear me talk every single day, it probably sounds like, hey, what's going on?
Hey guys, how are you?
Like, God, I'm so excited to see you.
This podcast is going to be so great.
That's what I normally sound like.
When I'm trying to be competent, I'm not going to be that.
I'm going to be one octave lower and I'm going to be a little bit flatter.
When I'm talking to somebody, I'm not trying to be competent.
My eyes are big.
They're like, I'm curious.
I wanna know more about that.
This face does not make you feel like I'm competent.
This face does.
So I am going to really focus in.
I'm almost gonna picture a pinprick of my attention going to that other person.
It's signaling I'm listening, but you're gonna have to prove to me what you're talking about.
Next, master the pause.
What to do?
After delivering a key point, stop talking.
This is where we let the silence work.
Why?
Pauses, they create gravity.
They make your words echo longer and show you're comfortable owning the room without filling space.
Let's try.
Let's say you have something really hard to say to a group.
And you need to say something like, we're not talking about the right things.
I might say something like I think we all know we're not talking about what.
We need to pause.
Look around the room, get in people's eyes at this point.
Most people keep talking because they're worried that somebody is going to jump in.
You don't have enough competence or authority for people to wait for you to pause dramatically, so how do you fake that authority if you don't have it?
You go like this.
I think we all know we are not talking about the right thing put up a finger.
This is basically telling them non-verbally to wait, And if you see somebody jump in, you just push the finger out a little bit more intensely.
This allows you to hold the frame.
If somebody starts to speak, you shake it a little bit more formally.
When I do this in my head, I like the count to five as an example.
So I think we all know that we're not talking about what we need to.
One, two, look around the room, three, four, five.
Uncomfortable.
Then I give an example, then I release the finger and I keep going.
Try this in your next meeting.
It will blow you away by how much more people will actually listen to what you have to say.
Next, tell stories, not stats.
Use a narrative.
We almost lost that company because of one bad hire is much better than well.
Turnover rose by 12 last year.
Why humans follow stories, not spreadsheets.
Stories are sticky numbers slide off ceos, weave both, but stories always lead historically.
We call this passing through parable.
At my companies i have a saying which is show me, don't tell me, which means that i want to hear the story, i want to see the data and i want it backed by numbers.
When you have those three, we can get to solutions.
But I don't just want you to talk about it, I want you to show me.
Let's say you're trying to get a friend to listen to you.
You've talked to this person a million times about something that they should do differently in their life and they have never listened to you to date.
I would put a few in these into effect.
Let me tell you what a bad example sounds like.
Well, you've like dated this guy a few times.
Do you really think it's going to go well if you keep dating him?
Like, don't you think we've kind of like learned our lesson here?
Do we want to really date him again?
Like what, what are we doing right?
That's like questions.
You're not very, you're not holding the frame, you're not pausing.
What would a good example look like?
Mary, I remember about six months ago you called me in the middle of the night, crying.
You were despondent.
I could barely understand what you were saying.
You really couldn't speak because you were crying so hard.
I thought maybe somebody had died, but that was the night that you called and told me that he cheated on you and that she would never speak to that man again.
And now here we are, six months later, when the tears are dried and you're going back to him.
Do you feel the difference between the two?
One is like, yeah, well, you've already done this again.
Are we going back, whatever?
The second, you will remember.
So take a moment and become a storyteller.
Over the past 90 days, we've grown by over 60,000 subscribers. which is crazy.
And still, less than half of our viewers are subscribed.
So if you could double check your subscribe below, that would be incredibly helpful for the show.
You truly are a big deal to me.
Let's jump back in.
Next, use the three-point rule.
So what to do?
Frame everything in threes.
This one's super easy and super powerful, so use it wisely.
If I wanted to get somebody to follow my framework on something, I might say here's the opportunity, the risk and the next step.
I don't even have to say one two, three.
I could just show it with my fingers, but I know that it will frame my brain a specific sequence that other people can remember, why the brain loves patterns and we like patterns of three.
You know the father son, the holy ghost.
It feels complete, memorable and persuasive, without overwhelming people.
Really easy to remember three.
Hard to remember four, very difficult to remember five And if you probably haven't noticed, I've been doing that a lot in this video.
Anytime you can insert rules of three and what I call named and framed segments, your speech will be better.
So let's say, for instance, somebody is doing something really stupid and you want to tell them Wow, that's so stupid.
And there are all these underlying reasons why that's so stupid.
And we should never do that.
Instead, you might say, let's get to first principles on this.
Let's get to foundational principles on what we're talking about here.
You're basically saying, can we take a step back to really see what's going on?
Let's get to second and third order effects, which is a fancy way of saying what are the repercussions of the actions.
If we do that, what's going to happen next?
I believe that what's happening right now is a lack of urgency bias.
What you're really saying is, I think you guys are slow, like really slow.
But because we frame it in this fancier way, it's harder to push back on.
Next, command the frame.
Define the lens others see the conversation through.
Example somebody says something to you and they're like we shouldn't spend that money.
I don't want to.
Instead of saying no, we should spend that money.
No, I disagree with you.
You say This isn't about money.
It's about survival.
This isn't about cost.
It's about happiness.
This isn't about money.
It's about our family.
What are you doing?
Well, whoever controls the frame controls the debate.
In communication, this means not letting somebody else take your frame.
You never want to respond with that, not right.
No, no, we're not going to do it that way.
I didn't say that.
Instead, you would say, That's a separate issue, Matt.
Let's focus on the core problem.
What you're basically saying is, I don't want to talk about that.
I want to focus on this other issue, but you're doing it without ever having to debate and get into the no no, I disagree with you, which is really a childish way to try to communicate.
The last part of this that's really important is the way you communicate when we are frame breaking.
How people will not allow you to steal their frame is when you fake it.
So be really careful about saying, let's focus on the core problem, Matt.
It's not really that.
This little side smirk here, this is an immediate signal of condescension.
I don't like you.
I think you're dumb.
Or Matt, that's not really the core issue here.
You know, what we're trying to do is something else.
This is a fake smile and it's visceral.
Like, do you guys feel it?
Like, I'm so happy that we're hanging out.
You're like, no, you're not.
You hate me.
Like, you don't even have to say anything.
Instead, you need to either turn it off or turn it on.
Fake, I'm so happy to be here.
No, you're not.
I can tell.
I'm so happy to be here.
I actually have no emotional difference right now between the two.
I'm just committed to the bit, right?
I'm so happy to be here.
And if you can't be happy in the moment, then think about something that makes you happy and plaster that on your face instead.
But be really careful with the feelings of condescension coming out on your face.
Next, project calm certainty.
People trust leaders who seem unshakable.
I find certainty to be contagious.
Even if you're still figuring things out behind the scenes.
Be the duck gliding above the water, even though underneath you are paddling like a crazy motherfucker.
Now, this is very unpopular for the internet, but I'm just gonna tell you the truth.
There is no crying in business.
Do not cry in meetings when things are going sideways.
Do not believe the influencers that tell you that that's okay.
Do not show weakness.
From an emotional deregulation standpoint, it is not okay to cry.
Now, if somebody dies, if you hurt yourself, perfectly fine.
If you have something else in your life that just hurts in that moment, okay, of course.
But you do not cry because you are frustrated like a small child at your inability to communicate properly in work settings.
You allow somebody else to cry.
You pass them the tissue.
You say, hey, no problem, take your time.
But that's not you because that is not a 1% move ever.
Every single leader that I have seen cry in business is not a leader for very long.
Business does not allow for crying.
You can hate me on the internet for this, but your bank account will love me.
Next name the elephant.
Call out the obvious thing when no one wants to.
So if you're sitting in a meeting, like i often am, and everybody's sort of talking around the issue, right there's this big hairy elephant in the middle of your meeting room i want you to try out saying it guys, we not hitting our sales numbers because our product isn't good enough yet.
That's phase one.
We're saying it as a question.
We also use the word guys as an opener.
It's like i'm not saying it, it's a question.
Guys means it's a question we all have, isn't it?
If you have a stronger frame and more authority, you can say we're not hitting our numbers because our product isn't good enough yet.
Now i did a couple really subtle cues there.
I looked to the side, I put up my shoulders.
I kinda I do a little.
You know, all of that is a stage two.
And if you want the highest frame, you would say we are not hitting our numbers because our product is not good enough yet.
Straight to frame, serious, no side.
Anytime you like lift up, side, side smirk, all of that, warmth cue as opposed to competence cue.
Now, leaders earn respect by voicing uncomfortable truths.
It breaks tension.
It actually makes people believe in you more than anyone else in the room.
You should really try it in a room where everybody else is doing the PC thing.
If you can find that there is a truth that nobody is talking about, And especially if the truth maybe is on you, that's the ultimate.
Like, you know what I think the real problem is, guys?
I think I made the wrong call on this.
We should have done this.
We did this instead.
So I'm gonna have this outcome.
I'm gonna take my burden of this.
What else should we have done differently?
If you are going to do this, one better be right.
And two, you need to find your ally who already wants you to say the quiet part out loud, but maybe is scared to do it or really needs somebody else to do it.
This is also where power dynamics come in, so you're going to need to understand who your allies are ahead of time.
Often in meetings, this means that you talk about the meeting before the meeting.
To game plan.
Never feel bad at thinking that top one percent communicators are born with it.
That's not true.
We prep.
The way that you get to the top 1 is you prep more than the other 99 do.
And finally, end with a command.
Always finish with a clear action.
Here's what happens next.
By Friday, I want us to decide this.
Why?
Influence without direction, just noise.
CEOs do not leave conversations open-ended.
They move people to act.
A little extra add-on for you guys.
Ask dangerous questions.
Lots of people ask safe questions.
How's everyone feeling about this?
How was your weekend?
Instead, get a little sharper.
What's the one risk that could kill this deal?
Because real leaders don't just talk, they provoke thought.
Questions like this make people take you seriously, because they can tell you what the truth's, not just to dodge.
Sometimes the most authoritative thing you can do is say I don't know.
But I think we can find the answer to this question.
And if we do, we will find the answer to everything.
That is a hard question.
Also, if you don't know if you are competent or warm leaning, let me give you a little piece of homework.
Let's say you can't tell if you're going to become a top one percenter because you don't know what you need to lean into more.
Go to your email.
I learned this from Vanessa.
See how many warm versus cold indicators you have.
What does that mean?
In an email, look at the words.
Warm words are words that trigger oxytocin, the happiness drug.
So that's like cheers, collaborate, learn, emojis, thank yous, exclamation points, smiley faces.
Competent words are words like achieve, mastery, results, outcomes, Data, charts, graphs.
The truth is that best leaders have both.
They use warmth and competence, and they use them like a scalpel, not a sledgehammer.
But almost every person I've ever met has one side more dialed than the other.
If you guys haven't noticed, I am high on competence.
I actually am pretty low on warmth.
I get serious and when I'm serious about things, I have a very serious face.
And so I kind of am thinking about things.
I'm not smiling so much.
I need to work on my warmth cues because people could be intimidated by me or scared of me, which I've heard.
And so every single one of us is going to be somewhere on this spectrum.
The top 1% is both aware and then they prepare.
