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What are some of the greatest accomplishments that you've achieved?
And how often have you stopped to celebrate them?
Have you ever wished you had a wise meditation teacher on speed dial?
someone you can call after a long day, someone you could lean on for their advice, someone to listen and help you to see things differently.
Welcome to Dear Headspace.
Oh, it's that time again.
It is time for another episode of Dear Headspace, a podcast where I sit down with one of our fabulous meditation teachers and we answer your questions.
We talk about life and love And in this episode, I'm going to be stirring up some trouble with my brilliant pal, Rosie.
Hey Robin, how are you?
I've missed you. I know me too.
I feel like it's been too long since you've been in the, in the headspace teacher rotation.
Yeah. It feels like it's been a long while, but it also feels like it hasn't been any while at all.
Well, listen, I've got to be honest with you.
I, I'm so excited to be here with you.
But in a matter of days I'm heading to vacation.
I'm talkin' sun, I'm talkin' rum punch and that's taken up a lot of my head space, by the way you see what I did there with that.
But what's on the horizon for you that you're lookin' forward to, Rosie?
I have to say I'm also taking a beach, sun, palm tree trip soon.
I have a little bit of a riding deadline and so I figured the best way for me to finish it is to take a little time, you know.
Where are you going?
And why do I not get an invitation to a writers retreat with palm trees?
What's happening here?
I've actually recorded some content for Headspace while I'm there.
So this is actually work -related, but I'm staying a couple extra days so I can take some personal time because anytime I take a vacation, depending on who I'm with, Sometimes I need a vacation from the vacation.
I don't know if that makes sense.
I'm not being a little bit elusive, but I don't know.
Let's just say that if I go with my significant other and co.
Sometimes I feel like when there's different personalities involved, you have to adapt to what everybody else wants because it's also everybody else's vacation.
And I find that for myself, because I am such a people pleaser, I'm always the one that's sacrificing what I actually want to do on a vacation.
And so I find that the only time I can actually take some time for myself is when I co -mingle with work, if that makes sense.
But I love that though.
It's like you're building in me time on a work trip.
That's just smart as far as I'm concerned.
Don't you think it makes sense, especially if you are doing work?
I know myself, I've traveled enough to know how exhausted I get when I travel, period.
So it's really nice to decompress and not just go from place to place, and then come home and just go back into the normal routine of your life.
I admit that I sometimes sneak in, I'm like, well, I should probably stay till Friday.
You know, there might be some meetings.
We might need that extra day, you know, just to get that one extra day in a king size bed.
I might, I might do that sometimes, but hopefully my wife's not listening to this episode.
Let me ask you something though, but why do you feel the guilt?
Like, I get it. I'm the same.
Because you know, when you work for a corporation, which I don't currently, I'm a freelancer now, but I mean I had years where I worked for like Viacom and Spotify and those, those companies, they send you to a nice hotel.
you usually have a little corporate card that you're sliding for all these steak dinners and I'm sorry, but that is kinda fun.
And I do know what you're leaving the other person with when you're away.
All the dishes, all the meals, all the things.
So you know, it is nice.
Yeah, no it's nice to have a break.
I'm in the middle of home remodel and so I can't wait to get on that airplane and just not worry about taking care of the household because it's a lot of work.
I don't have kids but I've got four dogs, two of which are special needs and it's nice to be able to disconnect.
And for me, I think mostly it's my way of cultivating my creativity and also giving myself that TLC that I love to give people.
I'm such a nurturer.
You are too, right?
You like being able to take care of people and your family, and there's nothing wrong with being able to take some time for yourself.
Absolutely. Okay. Rosy, well I think once again, we have proven that we're going to chat until someone stops us.
And so producer Robin is telling Talent Robin that we have to stop ourselves right now because we have some amazing questions from our listeners that we are featuring today.
And they are good, Rosy.
I am telling you. We have a question about letting go of wants and desires.
But still having that fuel to go after your dreams. We've got questions about managing conflict in romantic relationships and dealing with extreme PMS. Whoo, we're going on a ride here, Rosie.
Let's buckle up. Here's our first question from April.
Hello, I'm April from Savannah.
And my question is, headspace teaches us to let go of our wants, and that's how to find peace.
but my wants, my desires, my goals are what fuel me and make me feel alive and make me feel like I have something to fight for.
And I do not know how to balance these two.
Do you have any advice?
Oh, this is such a good question, right?
This is one of my biggest struggles in life.
So I'm gonna make you go first, Rosie.
Yeah. I don't know that I fully, and here I go being controversial again, I love it.
I don't know that I fully agree with the letting go of the wants necessarily.
I would say to me it would make more sense to let go of the expectation, not necessarily the want.
I think for us to let go of the wanting can be unmotivating and can be a little bit disappointing, I think our desire to say accomplish a goal or to have some part of our life, some dream be met is part of what fuels us.
It's exciting. It creates an interest, it's part of what compels us to move forward every day.
I think where we can get a little bit tripped up is when we have a deep want for a certain result or a certain outcome and when we don't get it then we're disappointed.
It's the difference between I want to be in a relationship.
I want to have enough resources to travel whenever I want.
Those kinds of wants and desires I think are reasonable and they're part of just our human existence of what our mind thinks will fulfill us, right?
Find fulfillment, and I don't think there's anything wrong with that necessarily, I think if I have an expectation that once I achieve that want, I'm going to be all of a sudden happy, or it's going to somehow fulfill me internally.
I think that's where the issue comes in.
Because when that thing does happen, and you still don't have that fulfillment we can get in trouble right we go into the downward spiral of well maybe this isn't meant for me i'm not good enough or somehow your you have a deficit yeah and i think this is where the tools of mindfulness really come into play because we can release the expectation which i think is one of the most difficult things that we have to do In this lifetime, I think letting go of expectation is right up there with being less reactive or it's such a hard feat to get to.
It really is. It really is.
This is so funny because this is exactly what I think about all the time because it's like I've chosen a career path where it's not up to me whether I get to do it in a lot of respects.
You know, it's like you have to audition, you have to submit your work and hope somebody likes it enough, and you have to do the work ahead of time.
And because of that, I always end up in this place of thinking, well, as soon as I get that milestone, then then it'll be good.
And then I get that milestone and then I'm like, oh, no, but I got to get that one.
And that then I'll be good.
And then I'll be and it's like, the reality is, it's like, I'm never going to ever have that sense of security in a career in the performing arts industry.
It is not happening.
And you're right like what comes in right behind it are all kinds of feelings of worth.
And like I'm not good enough, or I'm never going to make it, or that's a really it's a really hard place to be in.
But I also agree with what you said, like I need goals to be moving towards something.
Like I'm just a very goal -oriented person.
And like, how to separate.
Like can maybe can you speak to that a bit about how to separate being goal oriented and the expectation like, how do we do that?
Yeah, I mean, I'll give you an example.
I talked about this during one of the episodes I recorded for Radiohead Space, where I talk about being disappointed how to deal with rejection.
I'm in the middle of writing my second book and I had a conversation with my agent who spoke to my publisher who said that they weren't interested currently.
But I want to write another book, I love writing, I have a desire to create something new.
And so if that fuels me, the desire for that want is fueling me, then I can just immerse myself in that I can write every day, and I can just continue on the path.
Right. However, if my expectation is okay, yeah, I'm going to get an x book so that I can, you know, do another book tour and I can, you know, get my advance, get another advance and you just continue that pathway.
My expectation now I'm disappointed because my expectation was, of course, my publisher will want a second book, right?
Because they wanted a first one.
Why would it they want a second one?
Well, this is as you know, Robin, in a very multilayered industry as is the entertainment industry and it's not that simple.
And so I had to divide the two.
Of course I was disappointed, of course I questioned my worth, of course I questioned maybe I wasn't a good writer, maybe it was a fluke that they gave me a book deal in the first place, I wonder if they think I suck, like, you know, all of those things.
And so, in order for me to pull out of that negative thought pattern, I had to remind myself of what the desire was, of what the want is.
So ask yourself why you want something.
What is the reason behind why you want something, and what area of your life is it fulfilling?
What role is this desire taking on your road to fulfillment and to happiness?
Yeah. That's so interesting because it's like, that's what I've been trying to work with myself on lately is focusing on the process, you know, and when I'm not focusing on the process, even when I get the thing I like, it's not fun because I've already, I've already gotten it and I'm thinking about the next thing.
Yeah. I 100 % agree and April, I would say, keep your wants, examine your expectations and just keep moving forward. Cause I think if you're a goal -oriented person, I don't know.
Can you give that up ever?
I don't, you know, I, I just, well, I mean, I love what you said about how we just move on to the next thing.
Rarely though the people, the archetype that is super goal oriented, that likes movement, that likes to constantly feel progress, rarely pauses for acknowledgement, self -compassion, and celebration.
I mean, even where you are now, where I am now, where April is now, or where any of us are, anybody listening to this podcast, what are some of the greatest accomplishments that you've achieved, and how often have you stopped to celebrate them?
Oh that's really powerful, yeah.
Well good luck April and you know keep us posted keep us posted on everything that's going on for you we would love to hear.
Yeah I'd love to I'd love to know how that resonated with you or where you are on your journey.
All right thank you April and let's move on to our second question here we go.
Hello everyone my name is Marcella I'm originally from Bulgaria and I'm currently living in Belgium.
I'm reaching out today because I feel like I'm a little bit stuck in our relationship and how to move forward, because we've been together for quite a few years now, and we've been through many ups and downs.
I think we've really come a long way as partners and I do love my boyfriend a lot, and I really appreciate everything he does and how much we've grown together.
However, we do keep on having the same recurrent issue over and over again.
I think we are not as good at conflict management sometimes.
For instance, I would communicate or explain how he said something or did something that made me feel in a certain way, and I don't always think that he is able to validate my feelings.
he thinks that I'm the one that is always creating the problems in the first place when it comes to those things.
And I don't really agree with that, I think it's kind of on both ends at least in my opinion.
And I have tried to suggest that we go to couple therapy or couple counseling but he's not really open to that so yeah, this is why I'm here today.
All right, that is a that's a big question.
I mean, there's, there's a lot in there about relationships.
And I've you know, been with MyWay for 20 years, those problems don't disappear, like the things that are different about who you are, those in some ways just get amplified.
Yeah, exactly. I mean, this is such a multi -layered question.
And Marcella, thank you so much for trusting us to try and provide some insight for you, some guidance in some way.
I think the thing that sounds like is adding to the consistency of the conflict is the lack of listening that's happening.
I think as humans, as people, we have this core desire to be seen, heard, and understood.
And especially if we have a romantic or intimate relationship, we feel safe, we feel like we can express ourselves and when there's conflict if there isn't good communication it can be a huge source of pain I think I've experienced that in same almost 20 years of being with my partner the biggest the biggest issues we've had in the relationship is when I'm not feeling heard, or I'm not feeling like my feelings are being acknowledged properly.
And one of the ways that we have remedied that is to, first things first, acknowledge the feelings that our other partner's having.
And notice how I'm not saying we're trying to fix the problem, or we're trying to fix something because sometimes there's just conflict, there's two different people, two different personalities, these two different upbringings, two different childhoods, two different temperaments, and it can be very challenging to find the common ground, but I think a great way of finding that neutral space is to acknowledge each other's feelings right away.
And so for Tori and I, one of the big things that I like to say, let's say he's having a reaction to something or we're having a consistent argument about a very specific situation like why don't you put the dishes in the sink?
Oh, it's the sponge in my house.
It's the sponge. Just put it back in the thing.
Just put it back in the caddy.
Just put it back home.
That's all you need to do.
And then it's the back and forth, right?
He said, his reasoning is if I put the dishes in the sink, especially our cups, I knocked them over and inevitably they break.
and my thing is they're on the counter.
I will knock them over and they will break.
So, Right. So both of us are concerned about the same thing, which is great.
There's our common ground.
Neither of us want our cups to break.
So I think when we can acknowledge that we both have a desire to not break something, we can sort of move from there.
Now, one of the things that I like to do whenever I'm in conflict with my partner is say, I can see that you're very upset, or I can see that you're bothered by this, or I can see that you're having very big feelings about this, how can I support you?
Ooh, that's good. Yeah, because then you're acknowledging your beloved's experience.
And so perhaps for Marcella, one of the ways that she can communicate what's happening, again, I don't know what the conflict is, She's saying that there's a reoccurring issue going on.
So there's two things to help with the situation that have worked for me.
The first thing is to acknowledge your partner's feelings, and now I'm not saying, oh, I asked you, now you asked me, because then if your partner's not asking you back, it might be an issue, right?
So don't think about that quite yet.
Just think about, okay, I'm in a conflict, my partner's upset, this is how I can remedy the situation, I'm going to acknowledge their feelings and ask how I can be of service.
Okay, once that's done, then I don't really like to have arguments when I'm elevated.
That's my own personal thing because I get extremely elevated and very emotional And I oftentimes am not very mindful of my words.
And just because you're loud doesn't mean you're right.
And so I go to loud because that's my childhood experience.
That's what is familiar to me.
And so I walk away from the situation, and then the next thing that I do is I love to write, I've talked about this ad nauseum.
But I like to write the solution to the conflict in a perfect world.
Okay. Oh, that's good too.
Yeah, we're upset right now.
We're having a discussion.
We're not seeing eye -to -eye in a perfect world.
This is what would happen.
Tori would say this.
I would say this. And then we would not have an argument about this ever again, because we acknowledge each other and so on.
Right? So it's almost like you give yourself the physiological and mental experience of resolving said conflict so that you know what that feels like.
Because I think it's so important for us to feel resolution because so often we focus on the nonresolution portion of the conflict and we perpetuate that, right?
That's what the mind wants to go pull into the filing cabinet of, and then last year you did this and we love to do that because we love to perpetuate that fear not love it, we don't love it.
I'm not saying that, it's just the nature of the mind.
The mind will always default to what's familiar and if it's familiar for you to be in conflict and to go into the filing cabinet of what also is in alignment with this conflict like last year, what you did or last week or what you didn't do, it's just perpetuating the elevated state.
So I like to remove myself from the situation.
I like to write a good resolution to the conflict.
And then I talked to my partner and I asked them, acknowledge their feelings, and I ask how I can be of service.
That's fantastic. But I also wanna give a shout out to couples therapy.
Marcella did say that he isn't, he isn't really that open to it.
So what are your thoughts on that Rosie?
Is there a way? I mean, you don't want to strong arm someone into couples.
I feel like for me ultimatums have never worked, although I've absolutely tried them.
So I think for us, what worked was I started going on my own with regard to the relationship.
And I think him seeing how much it was actually helping our relationship, our intimacy, Our ability to articulate our feelings was improving more.
And so I think for us, it was just a matter of finding the right person.
And I think finding somebody that you resonate with might not be the same as somebody that your partner resonates with.
And so we had to collectively find somebody that he liked and that I also liked.
And that's how we were able to do it.
And it was a little bit rough in the beginning because he had never gone to therapy before in his life.
I mean, I've been in therapy since I was 13 years old.
You know, like gonna be 40, right?
But you know, it's really hard to advocate for therapy when somebody is either not open, never had a good experience, and so on.
And so I would say to try something more like maybe doing, watching, you know, a therapist on YouTube or work, workbook, or yeah, some workbook or reading a book together.
That was helpful for us as well.
We were, we were reading a book about communication together, even though, again, it was mostly me leading the way and it's hard to not get resentful about you being the person that's always trying to make things better.
But at the same time, it's like the other person might not have the same issues that you're having.
Right? Yeah. So it's really the onus is always on us to do the work, find the therapist find the workbook, find the course, find the workshop and just see how how it resonates from there.
Well, Marcella, I hope if anything, what you heard through all of this is that we are here with you and relationships at their work, their work sometimes, but, you know, get the help, have the conversations with your partner and really try to get to what's at the bottom of it.
Cause I think that can help.
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Alright! So let's head into question number three from Emma.
Hi I'm Emma from London.
And my question is about dealing with PMS and how to be mindful when dealing with it.
I have really bad PMS throughout my period.
It basically changes my whole personality.
I'm usually quite a relaxed, patient person.
And when I'm PMSing, I have zero patience.
I really dislike people that I usually love.
I think into my relationship, and it really takes over my mind I find it super hard to stay mindful in those moments.
So if you have any advice thanks.
Oh Emma, oh I feel so bad for Emma and I believe me I understand this because it feels like when you're in that space it feels like an alien is inside you.
I mean, I don't know about you Rosie, but I will feel like I'm being so mean right now, and I can't stop myself.
I don't want to stop myself, and it's a train.
Yeah, Emma, I feel for you, I see you, I hear you, and I want to validate your experience, and I don't know that I really have a lot of advice for this because I spend the other three weeks making up for what I said and did during the week.
And that's just the cycle.
It's very challenging and I feel like if you preemptively have a plan during those moments, I can't tell you that I have a very strategic plan but I definitely let people know that I'm in the state of PMS. Before I even open my mouth, yeah before I even say anything, I mean TMI but it's my PMS is right now.
And I'll tell you how I found out because we have a guest in our house and it's almost like a whack -a -mole trigger point everywhere it's just everything bothers me.
papers have been put on my desk or the way that somebody moves around or the TV playing in the background while I'm trying to write on my computer.
Just everything feels so visceral.
And I also feel like everything is a personal attack on me.
Oh my god, yes. You know, and it's, I think the best way for me to mitigate those feelings is I find that I go outside more often, I go for walks.
Like I said, I alert the troops that there is a potential ignition just waiting to be lit.
And I think when you get to really know what your temperaments are, the things that really set you off, you sort of find a way to mitigate it.
For me, it's always been something that's very elusive to navigate.
I meditate, I practice mindfulness, I apologize when I say things that I don't mean.
But there's sometimes, especially when we're in this state, it's very hard to navigate reactivity or not getting overly sensitive about something and I think you just give yourself the space to have those experiences so long as you're not hurting and damaging other people's lives.
Well because it's it's so out of our control, and it's not like you can go take a pill, it's not like, I mean...
but maybe there's some some management that can happen with your doctor that might be helpful, but like Rosie talked about walking you could also be journaling, I think that you know I've been speaking about how I'm doing the morning pages right now with The Artist's Way, and just the sitting and writing in the morning and getting the junk out of my head, that's really helpful for me.
And I do start my day in a better space, even when I'm hormonal.
So I think there are, you know, mindful techniques that you can use that would help some.
Yeah, I love that, Robin and, you know, it's interesting.
this may be completely non sequitur but I am the most creative during that time.
Yeah during that time, I find myself to be really creative, I get really great ideas during that time and so I think for me, it works for me in my lifestyle, I try to isolate as much as I can just because I also wanna give myself the space to have a physiological experience that is kind of out of my control.
I can attempt to control my emotions and my reactivity, but it's like your body's going through something absolutely natural and it's totally okay.
I mean, like look, tips, going for walks, doing morning pages, doing a relaxing, calming meditation, all of those tips are great to do during this time, but if I'm being honest with you, I think the best thing that you can do is to give yourself the space to have this natural cycle of experience, just really take care of yourself.
And if you're finding yourself highly triggered by people, don't go be around people, trying to work from home that week or try to minimize your conversations with people that are often triggering like a parent or something so that you don't have a moment.
My partner and I, we live together.
We have great communication during this time.
I can say, hey, this is what's happening.
I'm letting you know I'm very agitated at the moment.
It's not you. You didn't do anything wrong.
I'm just being very agitated and that's probably how I'm gonna be for a couple of days.
And usually, he gives me the space and it's really nice because he kinda leaves me alone.
He sends me text messages instead of coming into my office and it totally works He's like is the coast clear and it's like, yeah, you're fine, you know or sometimes I might be like did not talk to me for the next couple hours and you know So I don't know I think you also may just want to go see your OB or your or your general practitioner and and just see if there's anything you know, there may be herbs that they can tell you to look into or some homeopathic options or you know, I'm not sure if hormones are an option, but like, go see your physician and see if there is something that they might be able to
recommend or suggest to actually treat the physical side of it, because there very well may be some help out there.
And you're not alone.
You know, half the planet is with you.
So reach out to your friends who understand you during that time too.
I think there's like a power in the sisterhood in those moments.
Absolutely. Well and good luck Emma, I mean it is just not an easy path and it's hard especially when I do think that there are a lot of people out there who kind of don't fully understand it and maybe look down on it or just think you're overreacting or whatever but rest assured Rosie and I know what you're talking about, what's going on for you and we're with you.
We see you Emma, good luck.
You got this, alright Rosie I'm gonna go out on a limb here and I'm gonna say it, you brought it today, well done, that was some wonderful bits of advice and tips.
And I had a blast chatting with you.
Oh, I always have a blast chatting with you, Robin, and thank you to all the listeners who sent those questions, and I always love hearing from our members.
Oh, I know. I know.
Thank you to April, Marcella and Emma for your questions.
They were absolutely brilliant.
And to anyone who has a question, you know that we would love to hear it.
All you have to do is record your question at sayhi .chat slash Dear Headspace.
Follow the prompts.
it's so easy, and if we use your question on the show you're going to get three months free of Headspace and that's a pretty amazing deal if you ask me.
You can use it you can share it with your loved ones however you want to use the code.
And one more thing, as you know, each week we like to leave you with an opportunity to pause and reflect on what you just heard here.
It's time to transition from this moment to the next in your day.
So as you listen to the sounds of a brook at a monastery in India.
Let your mind do whatever it wants to do".
So till next time, stay happy.
Stay healthy, and be kind to each other.
The Deer Headspace is a Headspace Studios Original podcast. It's produced by Robin Hopkins, Ash Jones and Scott Sorensen.
It's executive produced by Morgan Selzer, Sarah Cohen, Baron Farmar and Danny Krissomy.
It's hosted and produced by Robin Hopkins, Keisanga Giscombe, Dora Kamau, Samantha Snowden, and Eve Lewis Prieto.
Sound recording and post -production is by Dan Kral, music is by Scott Sorensen and Chris Murguilla, and a very special thanks to Colleen Lutz.
