Hey friends, it's Dora here.
Let's be real, bedtime can feel like a constant battle.
The tantrums, the stalling, the screen fatigue, it's a lot.
That's why we created Wiggle to Wind Down, a brand new kids sleep podcast from Headspace and Cocomelon.
Each episode helps your little one move, breathe and settle into a soothing bedtime story so they can relax and you can finally exhale.
Search for Wiggle to Wind Down wherever you get your podcasts and make bedtime a little easier for everyone.
It's another Dear Headspace episode with me, Robin, your host.
And today I will be joined by meditation teacher extraordinaire, Eve.
And we have some really, really interesting questions for the show today.
We're going to be talking about.
When you have trouble sharing problems with friends, mourning the loss of competitive sports and those college days.
And we also have a question about what to do when you put too much pressure on yourself.
No pressure, but we're getting started right now.
Have you ever wished you had a wise meditation teacher on speed dial?
Someone you can call after a long day.
Someone you could lean on for their advice.
Someone to listen and help you to see things differently.
Welcome to Dear Headspace, a podcast where I sit with a meditation teacher and we answer your questions.
Hi, Eve.
Look at us.
The band is back together.
Here we are.
Hi, Robin.
So nice to be back.
I'll tell you what, we had a couple of technical issues getting into this.
Meditation was definitely needed, but we're here.
We made it.
Yes, yes.
I am just impressed that I didn't need to phone a friend to help out.
I'm telling you, those are the times when I always feel so bad that you all have to lead the meditations.
But I don't think anybody wants me leading a relaxing meditation.
I think that's just the way that is.
I would love to hear that, though.
Well, okay, Eve, I don't know about you, but I am ready to get to our first question.
Peyton is missing the competitive life and the college days.
Let's take a listen.
Hello, Headspace.
My name is Peyton.
I am from Connecticut, and I'm a recent grad from college.
I absolutely loved it.
It was like the best four years of my life, and I also played lacrosse there.
I've been playing sports since I could walk, and...
Post-grad has been a whirlwind to say the least.
It's been a lot of ups and downs and I'm riding the waves, but there's definitely been a feeling of like grief or like a mourning or a loss of that sport and that like competitiveness, feeling and being on a team and even the college, like the places and the people there feels like it's a hole in my being.
That was there when I graduated.
And I was just wondering if you had any courses on the Headspace app that I haven't found yet or any advice that might help with that.
I know I'm just riding the waves, but even recording this question is helping me work it out.
So thank you guys so much.
Anything would be appreciated.
You guys are amazing.
Oh, Peyton, thank you for this question.
I have to tell you Eve, when I saw this question I was so excited because I played lacrosse in college and college was unequivocally the four best years of my life, because it was kind of where I found myself.
And so when I left, I was in a very similar place to Peyton.
And so the first thing I want to say is it does get better.
It does.
It just there's a big you're in the middle of a big transition.
But I'm really interested to hear what you have to say about it, Eve.
Yeah, well, I think the first thing to say is congrats on graduating.
Yes.
That's a pretty big milestone in one's life.
And it's really awesome that you had such an amazing experience.
Not everyone does at college.
And so I think cherishing those memories is really important.
But yeah, it's not surprising that you're missing those days.
It was a massive part of your life for four years.
And you lived with your trusted tribe in a community and there was structure and And you knew what was happening most days and there was excitement.
You know, everyone was going through this experience with you.
And so to transition out of that will feel strange for sure.
And it's like a growth period too Eve, because it's like you're going for the first time away from your family and your parents on your own.
It's like semi adulthood.
And then all of a sudden, bam.
Everyone's like hey, could you pay off your student loans and now get a job.
And you don't get summer vacations anymore.
Good luck with things like it's a huge transition.
Yeah, massively so.
And also if you obviously were playing a sport which sounds like was a huge part of your college experience, you were literally part of a team.
Yeah.
And spent sounds like probably the best part of four years with that team.
And so that also is is a community.
And then to come from college to leaving that team not only leaving college, but leaving your friends, that community and heading out into the big wide world is pretty daunting.
I remember when I finished college, having similar feelings.
I didn't necessarily play a sport during college, but I had that same experience with a community, with my chosen family at college.
And honestly, I
Yeah, those first few months coming out of it were scary.
And I second guessed myself a lot.
And I missed those days where everything felt a little bit more secure.
And so I think just honoring the transition process will help support you in this next stage.
I think it can be, or there can be, quite a lot of pressure on oneself now, especially after college, to make really big decisions.
And it can feel like, what if I make the wrong decision?
And just reminding yourself that it's okay if whatever you do next isn't the thing that you do for the rest of your life.
It won't be.
Exactly.
Just know that it won't be.
It really won't be.
And if you can allow yourself some time and some space and perhaps reach out to people, your friends to you, know that chosen family you had, and just express I really I'm missing everyone.
How is everyone else doing?
How are you finding the transition?
And, of course, perhaps making suggestions like should we meet up in a few months?
For those that can,
I'm sure there may be, you know, annual reunions and things like that.
But depending on where you are now I'm, It might be worth looking in the community to see if there are any sports clubs, anything where you can still maintain some of that community.
I know that when I finished high school I didn't necessarily continue playing sports in college, but when I started working up in Edinburgh there was a netball after work club that I joined to meet friends.
I used to play netball in high school.
And so it was a way for me to connect with others.
And it was people just like me who were fresh out of the college experience.
And looking to make those connections.
And I was reminded, wow, when you don't play sports for a few years, oh, you feel it.
I also think you can look at different sports.
It sounds like, Peyton, you mentioned that you were an athlete previously.
You know, since you were young.
So I recently, in the last five years or so, got back into tennis with my wife and and one of the producers of the show plays with me all the time
And it's like I'm so happy to have it back in my life.
So like just looking for it and maybe thinking outside the box of you know, like lacrosse you may not be able to find, because that's a really specific sport.
And there are a few teams, but not a ton because I've searched.
But then looking for other sports that you played, like basketball is one you can play for a long time, or you know whatever else or learn a new sport.
But looking for competitive tournaments is a great way to get that spirit back.
Yeah.
But I think the heart of your question, Peyton, is really around community.
And what you're really missing is the community aspect and the people and the experiences that you had with everyone.
And so recognizing that part of your life has ended right now.
But that doesn't mean that you can't form new friendships, make a new community with what you're doing.
And I think definitely, as I said before, let those people close to you that shared that experience with you know that you are missing them and that you are struggling.
And what are some things that you could actually do to look forward to?
Because it's always nice to have those dates in the diary when you know you're going to come together and, of course, you'll be sharing new experiences.
Yeah, you'll be sharing what you're doing now and what's going well and what's not, and of course, you know it sounds like from your question that the transition has been a little bit bumpy.
Honestly, I I would say that's the case for a lot of people coming out of college.
Yeah, absolutely.
And you know what's interesting?
I hope this gives you hope is like all of my best friends, like 90 of my best friends are my college friends.
And the four years, those best four years that we had are just some of our memories.
Now we have years and years and years of memories of get togethers and we vacation together or do weekends together.
And so I really wholeheartedly agree with put stuff on the books.
It gives you something to look forward to.
And you know, and going back to the part where Peyton said it's already helping me asking this question,
So it goes circling back to what you said initially, Eve, is that awareness piece is so key to this.
Yeah.
And and actually really take some time to feel into those feelings of gratitude and appreciation for the experiences that you had.
Like nothing will take that away from you because you've had them and they've happened.
And the fact that you really loved your college experience is, really special.
And you can cherish those memories for a lifetime.
And you specifically did ask around a course that may help this transition.
We do have a course on change, which I think would be potentially quite helpful.
It's called Navigating Change.
It's 10 days.
If you haven't already done that, I would really recommend checking that out.
But also something else that could be helpful to you is using the today meditation or today's headspace, as that gives a fresh perspective each day.
And that also might help you navigate some of the bumps in the road that you're experiencing, by just getting a thought of the day, something to reflect on and to help you make decisions going forward.
Absolutely.
All right.
Well, good luck, Peyton.
And thank you so much for giving us your question.
All right.
We are going to move on to our next question.
Here we go.
Hi, my name is Casson and I'm calling from Colorado.
My question is about opening to others in difficult times.
The past few years have been challenging.
I've moved to a different country.
I'm originally from France.
I'm getting my PhD and sometimes that comes with a lot of doubt and pressure and someone I care about is struggling with mental illness and that also can be hard on both of us.
I know there are wonderful people here who care about me and have offered support, but I've noticed that it's really hard for me to open up to them about things not going well.
I start doubting whether my emotions are justified or fair or not a big deal, or I can't think of any words at all.
So I was wondering if you had some advice on how to seek support and share even difficult things with others.
Thank you so much.
Oh, that was so nice.
Yeah, Kassan, thank you for being really vulnerable and asking that question.
I think you asking that question will help so many others, because it is hard to first of all admit when we're struggling.
I know I've certainly experienced that with my own mental health, admitting you know what I'm not okay.
And just actually saying that out loud can take some time to do.
And so be really gentle with yourself.
I'm not sure when you moved countries, but I know from my experience of moving from the UK to the US that also was a significant stress in in my life and I don't think I quite appreciated the toll it did take on my overall mental health and well-being.
The fact is, you know, I was leaving family friends, a community and coming to a place, a culture, exactly a place I'd never lived before, only visited a few times, and I really didn't fully appreciate what that meant in terms of being then inserted into a new culture.
Of course, we spoke the same language.
And by the way, your English is absolutely amazing.
But even though we speak the same language, there were many different cultural differences and we didn't have our tribe.
We didn't have people.
So feeling like I could open up, that took a while.
It is great, though, to hear that you, it sounds like you do have some people around you.
But I know that if you've been making new friends recently, it can take some time to build that trust.
Yeah.
And saying, do I feel fully safe to truly acknowledge what's going on for me?
Yeah, yeah.
It also sounded like there was a piece of almost like shame about opening up or about being vulnerable.
And I think that that's another point.
That's something I really understand.
Like where I came from.
With my childhood, I didn't feel comfortable telling people about things I was scared about.
Or I like, I very much have that identity of just like, I got it.
I got it.
Everything's fine.
I got it.
And I never have it when I'm saying that I never do, but it took me years of forcing myself to talk to people and and seeing, Oh God, Nothing bad happened.
The world didn't explode.
Everything is OK that I shared that with someone and just processing it and just almost like just sticking my foot in the water, just a little bit of like oh, I shared this.
OK, I shared this just to start to build up to it.
Yeah, I think that's such a good point because often we don't want to share our struggles because we don't want to be a burden to others, forgetting that everyone is has some struggles and more often than not, we keep them in, feeling that if we share them, that will burden someone else.
But that also helps to communicate.
If you were to share and be truthful about how you're feeling, that may then also give permission to someone else.
Say, you know what?
I'm also struggling and I've been going through this.
And I was having this conversation with a friend the other day and I know she's been having a tough time and she knows I've been having a tough time.
And we were both being a little bit guarded because I didn't want her to feel like I was burdening her.
And then we both just said, okay, actually, we're both really struggling.
And then it was just a much easier and freer conversation.
And we're able to meet each other with so much compassion and empathy and understanding, and also, if you've been really worried about your friend who's been struggling with mental illness, that will definitely impact you, especially if you're struggling as well, and so don't feel bad about that.
You know that is, that is understandable and it's just to you know, remind you you're worried because you care And you know you want this person to be OK.
So I don't know, of course, your situation in detail, but it definitely might be worth both for you and your friend to seek maybe some additional mental health support.
So that might be seeing if there is a therapist that could support you.
I know that can feel a daunting experience.
Yeah, finding a therapist and of course there's a cost factor associated with it.
But maybe in the interim is there one friend, just that one person that you would maybe feel comfortable not sharing everything if you don't feel comfortable, but just saying I'm having a tough time right now and just open the door slightly.
Yeah, you don't have to reveal everything you say, you know, I just need you to know I'm having a difficult time and I'll share more when I feel ready.
And I just want to highlight around the point you said, around your emotions, not feeling like your emotions were valid or that you shouldn't be feeling a certain way.
And just to say you know, with so much compassion from my heart to yours, your emotions are a hundred percent valid.
Yes.
What you're feeling is what you're feeling.
And we often want to push down difficult emotions because they feel difficult and they feel hard.
And some emotions can feel very physical.
So you may have been experiencing say, if there was a lot of, you know, fear or worry that can manifest quite significantly in the body, you know, a fear, elevated heart rate.
You may feel nervous in social situations.
I of course don't want to project onto you, but just recognizing that it can be quite a physical experience.
So in those moments, you know, taking some slow, deep breaths just to help calm the nervous system.
And there's a really incredible technique.
I think I've shared it before on the show, but it's worth sharing again.
It's called Name It to Tame It.
It was devised by a psychologist here in LA out of UCLA.
And it's based on the noting technique of mindfulness by Dr. Dan Siegel.
And research shows that if we name the emotion, it helps to decrease the intensity of it.
And that actually helps to send a signal to the brain that there isn't a threat and that we are okay.
And I've been using this a lot recently, especially when I've been, you know, navigating grief and having days where I've really felt some incredibly strong emotions, just gently naming it.
OK, this is this is sadness.
This is sadness.
And maybe even just putting a hand on your heart and just acknowledging.
This is how I'm feeling right now.
And it's OK.
Yeah, that's great.
Well, thank you so much for your question.
We are sending love.
We're sending light.
And we hope that, you know, everything everything gets better.
Yeah, and just small steps, knowing that some days will feel better than others, and that's okay.
Okay, we'll be right back.
All right, here is our last question from Liam.
Hi, Robin, and the wonderful teacher you're with.
My name is Liam, and I'm from the UK.
I've been a Headspace user for about over... five or six years now, which I mainly use for anxiety.
My question is around what's come up in counselling for me recently.
So I've realised I put a lot of pressure on myself at work and in my personal life as well.
What advice would you give for someone that puts a lot of pressure on themselves to get things done?
I find I get concerned about people thinking I'm not worthy enough to be where I am.
Thank you very much for listening.
I hope you have a great day.
Well, thank you for your question, Liam.
What a soothing, soothing voice Liam has.
Very much so.
Yeah.
And that's incredible that you've been using Headspace for a long time.
And OG, thank you so much for your support.
And just what an incredible question.
And I don't mean incredible and like, whoa, cool.
I mean to share that with us, because I think there are so many people that can relate to the amount of pressure that we put on ourselves to be perfect, to be on time, to be the greatest parent or the most successful or have the most money.
It's whatever your area is.
There's a million different ways you can put a lot of pressure on yourself.
So much pressure.
Yeah.
And unnecessarily so sometimes.
And I was thinking when you were asking this question Liam, about the word pressure, like it feels constrictive.
It feels tight.
Like it literally, the word pressure means, you know, pressing down.
And so that if those are qualities that we are, you know, bringing into our life, It's only natural that then we will start to feel really tight and constricted and rigid.
And so just thinking about OK, what are some qualities that feel more freeing, that give you permission to be who you are, as you are?
And I always think about when we do something, whether it's at work or whether it's in our social lives.
And say, for example, you go to a party and you say on the bus home, and you're like oh, was I interesting enough, was I funny enough?
Oh, I said that thing.
And you're only thinking about your own perspective of the situation.
Everyone else had a completely different experience to you, of you as well.
Exactly yeah, yeah of you.
And a friend reminded me of this a few weeks ago when I was really stressing about a presentation that I'd done and I was picking apart all the things where I wish I'd said this, or I didn't say that, or I rushed that part.
And she said have you actually considered that the people who were attending the presentation thought it was fantastic?
And perhaps didn't even think about the things that you're thinking about.
I was like, oh yeah, they had a totally different experience to me.
So just reminding yourself of that, like when we put that pressure on ourselves to be the perfect performer, to deliver at work 100 all of the time, it naturally brings in a lot of restrictive qualities and we forget about our good qualities.
When we're caught up in that loop of worry, of anxiety and it sounds like from your question that's something that you've struggled with for a while and same here, so I can really relate to some of the feelings that you're experiencing.
We start to believe what we tell ourselves.
Yes.
That storyline that we create about ourselves can become really fixed.
And that is what can become really mentally exhausting and draining when we're constantly second guessing ourselves.
And so we.
You may have come across the noting technique in your meditation practice, but really starting to observe that just because we have a thought about something, it doesn't mean it's true.
Yes.
We often think our thoughts are the source of truth, and a lot of the time they are not.
Yeah.
I have a question for you Eve, because you mentioned that you said I'm a person with anxiety, like Liam is saying.
Is it?
Is there value in?
Because I, you know like, I'm not 20, I'm not 12, I'm in my fifties and I'm starting to wonder is there not value in just like embracing the person that I am?
Like I'm a person who may be a little bit anxious and I might always put really unrealistic expectations on myself.
So like maybe befriending that and looking for moments to break the cycle versus trying to be a different person.
I don't think I've proven this is who I am.
I think I can improve and grow.
But like, how different is the Robin version really going to be?
Do you know what I'm saying?
Yes.
And I'm so glad you said that because this isn't about changing who you are.
It's not about me changing who I am.
Like I know anxiety, unfortunately, is a part of me.
Yeah.
And it's sometimes more severe than others during my lifetime and probably will continue to be so.
I've taken different steps in managing it and and helping myself as I as I navigate my life.
But a hundred percent, I love the word you said befriending like this is a part of me.
And I know that on occasions I spin out.
Yes, I do.
It's almost like can you get off at the first stop of the train versus staying on it to the top of the mountain.
Exactly.
And I think the biggest piece here is the awareness.
Like Liam, it sounds like you are aware of this because it is a part of your life and you know this about yourself.
And the fact that you have that awareness is really, really golden.
Because often when it becomes really problematic is when we're not aware.
Yeah.
And we do get on that train and we stay on it for a long time.
And so to Robin's point, this is not about changing who you are.
It's actually about embracing who you are and accepting Liam for Liam.
Yeah.
And knowing that we all come with kinks and quirks and flaws.
We're not perfect.
And so you know how can you, when you are feeling perhaps you know low self-esteem, when you're struggling with low self-worth, is just taking the time to acknowledge.
You know I'm feeling this or feeling X because this happened.
And just remind yourself, it's actually not surprising you're feeling down if someone let you down, for example.
And just acknowledging like, I am feeling upset or I am feeling worried, but why?
And then just remind yourself that, oh, yeah, that's actually okay to feel upset about that.
That person said something that upset me.
Yeah.
Or whatever it is.
Because often we ignore the reason.
Like, for example, this morning we had a nightmare with plumbing situation and my husband said something that wasn't helpful.
I said something that wasn't helpful.
I won't go into more details.
I think we all know exactly what that means, Eve.
Yeah.
And then I was driving to the studio just feeling really annoyed and just reminded myself yes, it's okay to be annoyed.
Yeah.
Your husband didn't do the thing he said he was going to do.
It's fine.
We'll let it go.
But so I just think, acknowledging that there are often reasons why we feel a certain way, but not allowing yourself to then continue down that path of okay, self-sabotage.
Because often it's our perspective and someone else's perspective will be quite different.
Absolutely.
Well, Liam, thank you so much for your question.
And I just have to say Eve, this is just another fantastic episode, in part because of your fantastic wisdom and your tips and your advice.
But what I think is also really interesting is that all of our callers today had a real awareness of where they were at.
And I think that's such an interesting like I'm always amazed by the through lines that happen in the questions unintentionally, but that everybody was like I'm here.
And sometimes I think people are just looking for like a it'll be okay, you know, kind of take on it, because it's just there's something about the awareness that I think is really wonderful.
Yeah.
So many of the questions we get have not only the most incredible intention behind them, but I often think when I listen to the questions A, the vulnerability that comes through and the courage that folks have to pick up the phone and leave a message.
But all these questions, I think, will resonate so much with other people because these are genuine life experiences that many, many millions of people will go through.
And so thank you so much for having the vulnerability to ask these questions and be really real about with where exactly acknowledging where you are, because that takes that takes courage.
So, I mean, what else is there to say, but thank you to Peyton and Kassan and Liam.
I mean, amazing questions.
We hope the advice helps.
And if you're listening and you're thinking to yourself, man, I could really use some advice.
You are in luck.
It is so easy to record a question.
All you have to do is go to sayhi.chat slash Dear Headspace.
And of course, that link is in the show notes.
And then, if we use your question in the show, you're going to get three months of Headspace for free, which I don't know.
I've said it before.
I'll say it again.
It's a win.
It's a win.
It's a win.
Yes, we really do love hearing from you.
So please do send in those questions.
And for everyone listening who's been taking all of this in.
It's time for a special part of the show where we've built in some time for you to just sit with everything.
Everything that you've just heard just for a moment before moving on to the next thing in your busy day.
So continue breathing in as you listen to the sounds of wind blowing through a camp at night.
And let your mind do whatever it wants to do.
Until next time, stay happy, stay healthy.
And most of all, be kind to yourself and each other.
Headspace is a Headspace Studios original podcast.
It's produced by Robin Hopkins, Ash Jones, and Scott Sorenson.
It's executive produced by Morgan Selzer, Sarah Cohn, Barron Farmer, and Danny Karisamy.
Our production coordinator is Taylor Jennings Brown.
It's hosted and produced by Robin Hopkins, Kesunga Giscombe, Dora Kamau, Samantha Snowden, Eve Lewis Prieto and Rosie Acosta.
Post-production is by Dan Kroll, Music is by Scott Sorenson and Chris Mergia.
And a special thanks to Colleen Lutz.
