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I'm your host, Elise Hu.
We all have different ways of feeling and managing anxiety.
For me, my anxiety shows up in irritability, and generally, I just want it to go away.
I'm not alone. A lot of us think of anxiety as something to fix or work to get rid of.
But in his 2024 talk, clinical psychologist David Ross -Marin asks us to consider the positive role anxiety can play in our lives.
Instead of being our worst enemy, he shares actionable ways we can turn anxiety into a trusted ally.
That's right. It's coming up.
So I vividly remember my first anxiety attack.
It's kind of like I feel right now.
Is that hot in here?
It's hot in here. This wave of fear crashed over me, and my heart started to pound.
My breathing got ahead of me and out of control.
My face felt hot. It's hot in here, right?
Yeah, it's hot. And I got doused in this really uncomfortable cold sweat.
It was a life -changing moment because I made a decision right there and then to dedicate my career to ridding our world of this feeling anxiety.
So that was more than two decades ago.
Work in progress. I became a clinical psychologist.
I became a professor.
I started an anxiety treatment center.
And then I realized at some point along the way that eradicating anxiety from our lives would not be beneficial.
Sometimes anxiety interferes with your life.
That's clinical anxiety.
And yes, you do want to get rid of that clinical anxiety with the help of a professional.
But other times, many times, it's uncomfortable, it's uncontrollable.
Did I mention it's hot in here?
It's intense, but that's a good thing.
It's a good thing. Many of the greatest leaders in human history, certainly in recent history, they were forged in a cauldron of anxiety.
Once early in his career, Sir Winston Churchill, he froze for three full minutes in the House of Commons giving a speech.
He fought against his phobia, faced his fears head on, and he went on to become one of the greatest orators of the 20th century.
In the 1990s, after a box office flop, Oprah Winfrey, she turned to food to drown out her feelings, to suppress her emotions.
she ended up feeling emotionally numb for six weeks.
And during that period of great anxiety, she learned the importance of letting go of her expectations for success.
She went on to become a media icon.
And speaking of icons, the first time Taylor Swift sang the national anthem at a football game, she felt paralyzed with fear.
What she learned is to share her feelings with others.
Listen to her lyrics, many of them speak about her own anxiety and now, well apparently she can shake it off.
Anxiety is an emotion like any other emotion and it can do so much good for you.
It can increase your resilience, it can strengthen your relationships, it can help you to let go.
When I first met Nicole, she had hypochondriasis, which is clinical health anxiety.
Despite numerous MRIs to the contrary, she was convinced that she had an aneurysm.
Nicole's biggest fear was that her anxiety would spike, her brain would explode, and she would drop dead, which would not be good.
Nicole started to withdraw from daily activities and she recognized rightfully that she needed professional help, so she came in.
Nicole overcame her obsessions with exposure therapy.
She faced her fears.
She embraced them head on in order to build resilience.
She read stories about aneurysms.
She watched videos about aneurysms.
She went to a local neurology ward, Nicole overcame her obsessions.
And she graduated from therapy.
I was so happy and so proud of her.
And then, a couple years later, the phone rang.
Nicole tells me she's pregnant with a baby boy.
But the doctors told her that he would probably die because an ultrasound revealed that he had an aneurysm.
Now, given Nicole's history, I thought she would fall apart.
But she didn't. She didn't.
The baby needed life -saving surgery shortly after birth, and Nicole, understandably and very appropriately, was very anxious during the surgery as the doctors asked to receive it.
But, but, deep human connection, deep emotional connections between people requires vulnerability.
So anxiety can be used to create intimacy.
Think about it. In your own life, who are the people who you feel closest to?
Usually, it's those who you've opened up to about your anxiety in some way.
I, myself, this is going to be hard, but I'll try.
i'm terrified of failure i'm terrified of professional failure and i struggle with vulnerability in some ways this propelled me and fueled my drive for professional success but it created distance in my relationships when i first met my wonderful wonderful wife Miri.
I put up a wall and I didn't speak enough about my feelings and I submerged my anxiety by focusing on my work, right?
Pretty classic, right?
You don't need to be a psychotherapist to figure that one out.
Of course the feelings didn't go away.
We all have this like chef in the back of our emotional kitchen well my chef cooked up these entrees of edginess right side orders of criticism and a whole bunch of other dishes that I'm not going to speak about in public but Miri thankfully stuck with me and more importantly she consistently showed me that she would never judge me if I failed eventually I got the message took a while but that unconditional love that I received allowed me to take the plunge, drop my guard, lower my defenses, and identify what I was afraid of and to share it with her.
I think it's the hardest thing I ever did my whole life.
Definitely harder than anything in the professional realm.
But there's nothing more worthwhile than taking our anxiety and turning it into love.
Losing control is utterly terrifying.
It's terrifying. It's happened to everyone.
But, but, as long as you have a heads up, as long as you expect it, and you're a willing participant, doesn't it feel good to let go?
You don't need to be a thrill seeker to appreciate this.
Adrenaline. A shot of it comes with pure joy, followed by this blissful tranquility, like, wow.
And perhaps for that reason, even in this age of unprecedented, incredible anxiety, action and adventure movies, they make up more than 50 % of box office sales, and the most profitable genre of film is horror.
It's funny. now life isn't a movie so it's very good to shape the world in accordance with your vision on a daily basis it's very important that we do that but once in a while it's a human need to take a seat and go for a ride on the roller coaster of life to let go doing so keeps your ego in check some people view this surrender in spiritual terms the serenity prayer very commonly used to cope with anxiety and it famously states god grant me the serenity to accept the things i cannot change now when you're ready not before you're ready please But when you're ready, affirming the limits of your
control, it brings inner peace.
Anxiety is nothing to be ashamed of.
We all have it. And it's not going away.
Here are four steps that you can use to turn anxiety into your ally, not your enemy.
but, please, if anxiety interferes with your life, if it's clinical, don't just rely on this approach.
Get the professional help you need.
If we have an agreement on that, then I'll tell you the four steps.
Okay, step number one, identify.
Many times when you feel anxious, you squelch the sensations and push them out of your mind before you've even processed what you're worried about.
stop take a minute and ask yourself what am i truly afraid of like what really is at the bottom of my fear if you don't know the answer that's fine go for a walk and don't come back until you have an answer step two share speak about your anxiety with a friend with a neighbor with a co -worker, with a stranger.
I'm serious. If you're not ready for a conversation, that's fine.
Text it. If it's more than a couple lines, sure.
Email, press send. Take the plunge.
Be vulnerable. Step three, embrace.
When you feel anxious, not if you will, you will feel anxious.
And when it happens, Don't fight it.
Don't squelch it. Let it happen.
Let it ride. Let it ride.
In fact, do things that make you uncomfortable, intentionally, repeatedly, as long as they're safe.
That's how we build emotional resilience.
And finally, my favorite four, let go.
Let go. Think back to step number one.
What are you truly afraid of?
And then when you're ready, humbly admit, even for a moment, that you are not in full control of that outcome.
It's scary to even think about, but it's not a bad thing.
Firstly, sometimes challenges are a blessing in disguise.
But even either way, enjoy not being responsible for everything under the sun.
Okay, should I try the four steps?
Yeah, I'll give it a shot.
Identify. The hardest part about this talk was speaking about my anxiety in public.
I was afraid you would judge me.
It's really quiet in here.
Did you judge me? That made me really anxious.
Share. Okay, so I'm revealing this to you now because, well, we've spent like 10 minutes together.
And I've grown to like you.
So, I want more of an emotional connection here, and I hope it's mutual.
Okay? Thanks. Three, embrace.
Okay, do you know what it's like to stand on this red dot and to speak about, like, all your issues in public.
It's like diving off a cliff.
Especially, remember that part about my emotional kitchen?
Like, that was really vulnerable for me.
And let go. So I'm sending this message about anxiety off into the universe.
I hope that it will land on the hearts, minds, and souls of a broader audience.
But really, there's nothing I can do about that anymore.
And that's okay. That's okay.
So please join me. What are the four steps?
Let's say them together so we remember.
Identify, share, embrace, let go.
Thank you very much.
That was David Rosmarin at TEDxNashville in 2024.
If you're curious about TED's curation, Find out more at ted .com slash curationguidelines.
And that's it for today's show.
TED Talks Daily is part of the TED Audio Collective.
This episode was produced and edited by our team, Martha Estefanos, Oliver Friedman, Brian Green, Lucy Little, Alejandra Salazar, and Tansika Sarmanivon.
It was mixed by Christopher Faze Bogan.
Additional support from Emma Taubner and Daniela Ballarezzo.
I'm Elise Hugh. I'll be back tomorrow with a fresh idea for your feed.
Thanks for listening.
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