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Hey everybody. It is a lovely day for some listener questions here on Dear Headspace.
Today I am joined by the wise and talented Headspace teacher Dora and we're going to tackle your questions about how to know if you're ready for marriage, what to do when you're having trouble relating to your co -workers, and we have a meditation question about whether or not you need a routine or a designated
setup before beginning your meditation.
Let's get right to it.
Have you ever wished you had a wise meditation teacher on speed dial?
Or a therapist you can call after a long day?
Or a mental health coach you can lean on for advice?
Someone to help you see things differently.
Welcome to Dear Headspace, a podcast where I sit down with Headspace experts and we answer your questions.
Hi Dora. Don't you just look radiating as always.
No, thank you. I slept this weekend.
I slept a lot. I am not sleeping these days.
It's one of those things.
It's like a hormonal thing, a little peri or menopause thing.
It just kills me. You can't take sleep for granted.
I'll send you a nice mindful.
Oh please, thank you.
All right, let's dive right in.
Here's our first question from Catherine who's wondering how you know if you're ready for marriage.
Hi, Dear Headspace.
My name is Catherine calling from Massachusetts.
The question I like to ask is how do you know when you're ready for marriage?
If that is something that you have seen for yourself.
And I guess specifically as well.
If you are someone who is already in a long -term relationship, feeling all the right things like talking and seeing a future long term.
How do you know? What does it feel like when you are certain you want to make that next step?
And I guess specifically as well if you're somebody who doesn't necessarily have a real -life example of a marriage you want to emulate.
You know no one in your life necessarily fits what you see and or desire for yourself.
I would just love to hear your various perspectives.
Thank you. Thank you for this question Catherine.
This is as soon as I came across this question I was like oh we gotta choose this because I was like my initial reaction is it's almost the inverse of what you would think it would be.
Like for me to a certain extent you just know.
And you know because of all the ones where you didn't know.
Yeah. To me every relationship I had before the one that stuck I was questioning it.
And that's one of the ways that I knew it wasn't right.
Like when Mary showed up I just knew.
It was just like yeah obviously we're gonna do this.
Oh I love that. Well my relationship status is intentionally single.
I've been intentionally single for the last four years but I think I've learned a lot about what I need in a partnership and the type of qualities that I want in my partner and the things that I value.
And I love that you asked the question about what do you do when you don't see relationships or marriages that reflect what it is that you want.
Because I realized that you know we all have our own individual and unique needs and I realized like for me freedom and individuality is really important for me.
And sharing that with other people I realized like that isn't you know people assume that you need to be clingy and together and yeah all the time.
And that doesn't allow me to show up as my full self.
I actually find it really suffocating and so there's been this realization and acceptance of what I am desiring.
I'm creating it in this moment and I'm writing the book for what I want in marriage right now.
And that's been liberating and also equal parts scary as well because there isn't really anyone that I've connected with that has been aligned in that and also that I've seen out there that can honor that.
Other than Will Smith and Jada Pinkett Smith but that's like a bit too far out.
But yeah so I've just I've been giving myself a lot of grace of like I'm creating what it is that I want in this moment and there really isn't a story at the same time.
And to a certain extent there doesn't have to be a blueprint.
I didn't have healthy relationships modeled for me as a kid but you know what I was able to do I was able to say I don't want that and then create out of that.
Like I saw all kinds of things that were examples of what I will not do.
And by the way that can be the same thing of parenting.
Many people are good parents who don't come from parents who did a great job.
And I use that same logic or mentality of like okay this made me feel bad when my parents did this.
So therefore I'm going to choose to do this instead.
And I think you can do that in relationships too.
Like I did not feel loved or supported and so therefore I'm going to look for love and support.
And what does that mean?
Yeah yeah yeah. I love everything that you've just shared because it's reminding me of the importance of being able to even define what marriage means to you.
I think I was afraid to be married because the definition of it that I had learned was from my parents who I love so much but are extremely religious.
And so some of the values traditional values within that didn't feel good for me at all.
And it was really important for me to define like if I'm married to someone what does marriage even mean?
What does a relationship even mean to me?
And what is the importance that I even place on this thing that I'm being told to do but I haven't really taken the time to like sit with it and see like does this actually feel good?
Does it feel right for me in this moment?
And that's why again like being single has allowed me to get really clear on like okay in my next relationship these are some of the things that I desire which was the freedom aspect of it.
It's like really important for me.
And I think another thing is because I also did this looking at my parents of like the pendulum swing of going so much to the opposite side of like that is what I do not want and so I must be like so far on this other side.
And you could actually miss out on potential partners or experiences if you are so afraid of like maybe going back to this thing that you really don't want.
And I think this is where my practice has come in of like being able just to notice how my body feels like around certain people or when I feel that sense of ease and calm.
And it may not be like if I'm ready for marriage but I actually feel good around this person.
They may not look like how I want them to or they may not sound like it but it's like I'm following this sense of like curiosity and this sense of feel goodness that may lead me to a potential partner which may lead to potential marriage but I think just basing it off of stories that we may be holding
it may not be as helpful as we think.
Well I love that what you're saying and it makes me think of like two things.
One thing is the thing my boss used to say and another is something that older Robin now says to young folks who are asking me this question which is do they make you a better person?
And it doesn't mean like are you volunteering because of them but I mean like Mary she has certain qualities like she just has this kindness that forces me to look at my behavior like if I cross a threshold and I'm like not kind to her.
I could see it on her face and she doesn't fight back and so then it forces me to be like you're being a turd right now you have to stop this.
And another piece of advice that my boss used to say is and it's so simple and I love it he would say do you vacation well together?
It's like think about it the pressures of spending money the pressures of time and change and travel like how you show up at the airport how you take the TSA how you take when all of a sudden your flight is cancelled and like how you treat people on vacation like it's really like a microcosm of a relationship
and I met Mary immediately and we were like the best vacationers and I was like oh we'll be all right because things start off kind of like you're in the love bubble in the beginning relationships get really hard so if you don't start off in a great place I don't know where you're going with this.
That's so true me my exit not vacation well at all now that I'm thinking about it there's one time we had just got back from the Caribbean and this man insisted on bringing mangoes through customs and I'm like you can't bring mangoes.
Rob when we get to Miami and all of the customs officers are laughing at us and I'm like see I told you you can't bring man he's like I've done it before I was like you know what you and your mangoes can stay here I'm going I'm catching the flood and it was in that moment I knew we had no future.
Mangoes in Miami is like your short story about this.
Yeah I love that I've been listening a lot to Jillian Turecki's podcast though it talks all about love and dating and relationships advice and she has a really grounded perspective on it so that's a resource I would recommend outside of deer headspace of course but yeah just listening to her talk from such
a real and honest place too because I think at times again we can romanticize what marriage is and think that marriage will fix everything and then it's just like you're shining a light more on maybe things that you weren't aware of and yeah her approach to relationships has been really eye -opening
for me of like you know red and really understanding red flags and green flags and actually having to do the work and study yourself and you know be open to putting yourself on investigation as well and not just looking at your partner because it's really easy to do that in relationships I think.
Yeah who you show up is just as important as who you are across the table from I think.
Oh I love that. Well good luck Katherine we're with you and we're sending you vibes and and we hope that you know that you find the right person if who you are currently with is not the right person but you know it's all it's all out there there's a lid for every pot.
You got this girl. All right let's get to our next question.
Hey Team Headspace my name is Mary and I'm from Utah in the US and I just had a question about how do you guys set up for your meditation sessions like personally do you have a routine before you start meditating and when you do start meditating do you have a setup for it is it like we do in the app
and you do body scans and just try to relax or I know a lot of people have done affirmations and stuff like that so is there something specific that you guys do in order to prep for those meditation sessions.
Hope you guys are doing well thank you.
I'm still trying to do the meditation sessions Mary.
Honesty is the policy.
Yeah this is a great question because I think that the setup can really deter people from even wanting to meditate because we think that we need it to be perfect and have the perfect cushion and the perfect fragrance and the perfect sunlight in your Buddha behind you.
Yeah all the different things and for me actually as of late it's been interesting because I've actually been finding my practice to be boring dare I say right and so I've had to get really creative over the last couple of months of like how can I bring that sense of beginner's mind when I had like
first started meditating was so eager and curious to do this thing to this moment because as of late it just feels like I'm walking through molasses and it's hard to get there and I'm just making up all the excuses for myself and so something that's been really helpful is like choosing the moment this may sound
weird but choosing the moments where I have the most resistance to actually sit and practice in that moment instead of waiting until things get easier so that is what what I've been doing and sometimes that is in the morning sometimes it's at night sometimes it's in the middle of the day it's constantly
shifting but I've been choosing to practice when I have the most resistance and that has been really really helpful and really insightful too.
Now but let's say you're a person you're in a city apartment and you don't even have a spare closet let alone a meditation room does that matter?
Sit on your bed yeah you can and that sometimes that's when I'll do it because I know as soon as my feet hit the ground I'm not going to meditate I'm going to get sucked into so many different things and so I'll just prop my pillow up on the wall sit cross -legged if you can and I'll sit and meditate
I don't have my phone anywhere near my room and so that's another thing where I'll just sit and close my eyes and I guess because I have kind of like an internal timer now I know okay this is five minutes yeah um ten minutes but if you have your phone in your room or if you have access to a clock or a timer
keep it by your bedside um and do it in that way but you don't need the perfect room which I think sometimes we think that we need it and we don't at all yeah well and in all seriousness like I joke a lot about you know being a bad meditator which I am I mean that is part of the seriousness like I'm
well okay I'm not going to put a judgment on it what I mean by that is like I struggle with consistency it's just it's just one of those things so what I've decided to do is to just be when the moment occurs to me to do it I don't go well should I should I just do it in whatever place and that might be
while I'm on a walk and then I do I'll be like let me get out of walking meditation or it might be I'm in a room and I'm like I want to do the thing where I'm listening to sounds and looking for colors just to try to ground myself so I just try to if the spirit moves me but I can't think about if I
were to think about well I'm not sitting in the right place or it would just never happen literally it would never happen yeah and that's a really important point there it's like your thinking mind will always talk you out of wanting to actually meditate and so be aware of that right yeah it's really
easy to read a book about meditation and it's really difficult to actually meditate and sometimes we can think about all true yeah so true as a fellow book lover I've read a lot of books about meditation and the real impact and change happened when I actually decided to like use some of the practices
that I was reading about but I mean again if you're an aesthetic person and having a visually pleasing area to meditate is your thing then do that but I really want to encourage people to recognize that your thinking mind will talk you out of the actual practice and maybe scroll on google trying to
curate the perfect space in your home or try to look up the perfect routine and the experience is what is so important I'm laughing because that is so something I would do is I would just like I better set this up and spend three hours creating building it and then it would just sit there like get dusty
it's like every one of us who bought a peloton and then it becomes like a clothes hanger like yeah I think something else that I've learned as well is are there's three things so the intention of our practice so why are we choosing to sit in the first place sometimes if I think about it for myself it's
hard to do it for me but if I think about this is going to benefit my co -workers or the people that are listening to the show or my students then I find it easier for me to practice so getting clear on your intention from wanting to practice in the first place looking at your approach so how you're
showing up sometimes we can treat our meditation practice just a part of our routine and that can become really monotonous and like autopilot it's like you arrive on your cushion you don't even know how you got there you're like wait I was just in bed now I'm here was I driving yeah so slowing down
if you can and this is something that's been helpful for me it's like actually like taking the time to like start to slow down before you sit and meditate and not just like crash landing onto your cushion but really taking some time to like slow things down to pause to make that conscious choice of okay
I am deciding to sit for the next five minutes and lastly giving yourself grace and compassion because we live in such a world where being mindful is probably one of the most revolutionary things that we can do in this day and age because there's so many distractions so for you making that choice even
if you only do it for one minute and it was horrible I say that you know quote unquote um that's something that should be celebrated that's lovely lovely advice all right well good luck Mary you don't need a place just do it Mary that's what we're saying actually that's what Dora is saying I'm just
kind of nodding no we're in this together just do it Mary we are we are Hi, I'm Lale Aracogli, host of Women Who Travel.
This summer we visit a remote Danish island with strong Viking roots.
So I think it was also part of the history you told yourself with strong women here with strong women this is the culture of this island.
We've crossed the country with a baseball stadium chaser.
Some games could be a day game and then you drive to your next location and take it a night game and then you turn around and try to get to a day game.
And well how can it be summer without at least one mouthwatering moment in France?
I'm in a country where there's all these wonderful cheeses and fruits and I tasted a white nectarine and it was small and ugly but it just had a sweetness and a juice that shocked me.
Join me, Lale Aracogli, every week for more adventures on Women Who Travel, wherever you listen.
Here is our next question from Nigel.
Hi Headspace, I'm Nigel from Singapore.
I have a question to ask you guys.
So basically I have a group of colleagues that I work with them almost every day but at some point in time during conversations they would bring up certain topics that I personally cannot relate to such as games or certain shows that I don't watch.
So how can I still be part of the conversation without having to feel awkward or left out?
And because of that I actually had a thought in my head that what if I'm a boring person because I don't play the same games as them, I don't watch the same shows as them and I don't know like how to relate to them.
So how do I better manage this situation?
Thank you. Well Nigel I'm gonna start by saying you are not boring.
You stop that right now Nigel.
I'm gonna start with that.
I just put my mom voice on.
Nigel! Nigel! Oh man I'm laughing because this is me.
I mean this is me. When I first came to Headspace I worked with so many film buffs and people were naming all these films.
I'm like my favorite movie is Nacho Libre, I'm like I don't watch movies.
I love how you have no shame admitting that.
Like I feel like you've admitted that on this podcast before and you're just there's no ounce of shame in you.
I love that. Yeah, I was just like you know what these all sound, I can't relate but I think the most important thing is curiosity because in those moments we can really judge ourselves and that is what actually creates more of that disconnection.
And so just being curious and asking people you know I'd ask what what do you love about this movie?
What was so great about it?
You know tell me more about this thing and that allowed me to have that sense of connection rather just sitting instead of sitting there and being like I don't know who Steven Steelberg is and all these other things and really feeling like I don't belong but bringing a sense of curiosity and trying
to manage how much judgment that we place on ourselves in those moments.
Yeah and I totally agree with you because it is the judgment and the attention that you put on yourself is exactly the thing that makes you feel even further like I had this visual of like you're in a room and you know like you ever seen that camera shot where the chair gets pulled back and you're just like
further and further away from people and like the action is over here in a horror movie or something.
I mean I just can't see this is another reference and you don't watch movies not you'll leave breath.
I can't even believe it as it was coming out of my mouth.
I was like I'm there with you though.
I get it. You can visualize what I'm saying like just like that almost like a dream state where the chair is being pulled back that's when you put that attention on yourself because then you're not present with the people and you know and but I also I also want to say in addition to that Nigel like
everybody doesn't have to be all things to each other.
You don't have to love the same things like I have all kinds of work friends that like like have you seen those memes where people are like work the only place where you you know your best friend is a 60 year old like it's like you don't have to have a ton in common to be work friends.
You know sometimes it can be situational like maybe you connect about lunch, maybe you connect about like talking about corporate culture or whatever or maybe they're just a person who you can say niceties to and then you go find someone else.
You know you don't want to feel alone but it sounds a little bit like there's like a middle school click mentality of like oh those are the popular kids and I want to be with them versus like I don't know Nigel do you want to be with them?
Like I think that's an important question to ask yourself are they bringing anything to you?
Yeah I mean that's the other thing about work is that and I have to check myself on this it's like would I even be friends with these people outside of work?
You would be friends with me Dora.
You would be friends with me.
I would yes I would of course I would because I would keep calling you.
My phone's always on do not disturb Robin's.
You're like Robin girl who she is again.
But sometimes we try so hard to please people and belong to something that we aren't really using this sense of connection to ourselves in order to try and fit in and it's like I probably wouldn't be friends with these people if it was just my everyday life and it's okay.
We don't this is my personal thing and this is a personal choice of mine but I can be kind and courteous to people but I don't necessarily need to be friends with everyone.
Yeah and it's taken a long time for me to realize that but it's also given me a lot of freedom and choice and who I decide to be friends with.
Acquaintances are great but yeah again I think there's a lot of pressure in a work environment of like I need to be friends with everyone because maybe we're also being you know like watched right maybe there's a part of our performance and productivity that goes along with this in a workspace but just
recognizing that you are your own person and you have choice in this you don't necessarily need to belong to the group that you're in.
Yeah and just adding on to what you're saying like I might just be clarifying even more is to say that like that don't have to be your friends forever at all you know when I leave a job I think sometimes there's people that stay in my life and then people who I thought might stay in my life actually
didn't and it turned out all we really had in common was the job and that's okay people come people go.
I think that friendships in the workplace for the most part like I always go in very open because I love people and I like to find people that hopefully I can enhance their lives and they enhance my lives and so I'm always looking for that but that doesn't mean that you always find that and sometimes
they're just people who help you pass the time while you're getting paid to do something that may or may not be fun and I think that that's really okay and we don't have to put judgment on it like I don't have to vacation with Sophie from accounting but I can walk by make a joke about National Libre
with her and be like you know like that can be the the extent of our relationship just coming in and I feel less lonely while I do paperwork.
Yeah and another resource that I found really helpful is like ERG groups in your company if you have that employee resource groups or even if you have slack at your job.
I'm in a few slack channels like music headspace and there's all these music lovers in there and we all get to connect.
You're not in the movie.
I could be though but I'm like I love music and I'm always trying to find new music and so that was something that connected me with people that I would probably never connect with but finding those resource groups in your company can be really helpful to find that sense of belonging because when you
do have that sense of belonging at work it actually helps for your work experience for sure better in a sense right and I can maybe you're you know wanting to make your work experience more harmonious and maybe belonging you think will come from that but finding your people make sure that you find your
people because I think you can end up feeling more lonely when you're trying to be with people that you don't actually align with.
For sure. I remember my mom used to say and I was like 16 15 at the time of course like so I was having none of it but she was like if you get to the end of your life and you have five very good friends you could count yourself lucky and I was all like you don't know what you're talking about like I'm
gonna have lots of friends and it's like you know I'm now older than she was at the time and if she was alive I'd probably apologize number one just for that you know maybe a couple other things but other than that I would I would say that I it's much better to have even just one friend at work that you
could come in and be like Tuesdays am I right?
Like you doesn't have to be 27 people you don't have to be running the ERG you could just show up and find a person that you can sit next to like it's kind of like middle school you just want a person that you can eat lunch with.
Yeah I mean I still feel like a middle schooler sometimes I show up at work and I'm like dang people really trust me with this I'm just a young child I'm like actually no I'm not I'm 31 and I'm an adult now but there is that inner child right so maybe even looking at you know your own childhood and how
you were in relationship to other people back then because that will also show up as you are an adult now and now school is just work and so it's a whole new environment a bit more serious there's a lot more at stake and that can bring up a lot of stuff from our childhood that we may not be aware of so connecting
with your inner child right what is what is that version of you need and how can you give that to yourself as an adult now?
Yeah I mean if Nigel was here I would ask him about that pattern like does it show up in other places in his life because I would be surprised if this was the only place where he felt that way but I don't know Nigel maybe you give us a little follow -up and we can I would love I'd love to hear that I'd
love to hear how it goes I want a picture of Nigel and his new best work friend whoever that is even if it's just Sophie from accounting just one person that's all you need Nigel well we are with you and we are certainly your friends and we are happy that you wrote in with your question today and I
you know I'm happy about all of the questions that came in today this was like this was there was so much great advice Dora and I am certainly glad that you are my co -worker.
Yes and you know if you're needing more support with relationships we actually have a relationships course in the Headspace app not sure if everyone knew that but we do and this is a wonderful way to just identify how you would like to show up in your own relationships and kind of you know bring your
own definition to what relationships even mean for you right whether it's romantic in the workplace or platonic I think it's I find it's really important to have our own definition for these things because definition gives us direction and helps us to set intention so check out that meditation course
in the app. Oh I absolutely love that and I also want to let our listeners know that Headspace is now offering mental health coaching in the app it's live it's one -on -one care and support from a trained expert and the good thing is it's something that you can do from anywhere it's just it's a nice option to
have a coach with you every step of the way and I do also want to say thank you to Catherine and Mary and Nigel for your questions and if you are listening and you'd like to get some feedback from a Headspace expert go straight to sayhi .chat slash to your Headspace and you're going to follow the prompts
to record your question and just remember no question is off limits and if we use your question on Deere Headspace you're going to get three months of Headspace for free.
Ah I love that there's so much support available for everyone and support looks different for everyone so I'm happy that we offer like a full range of tools for your toolkit but y 'all know the drill now we leave you with some soothing sounds of a chorus of frogs so sit back relax listen maybe take a few
deep breaths and enjoy until next time stay happy stay healthy and be kind to each other so Deere Headspace is a Headspace Studios original podcast.
It's executive produced by Morgan Selzer and Sarah Cohen and produced by Taylor Jennings Brown.
It's hosted and produced by Robin Hopkins Rosie Acosta, Kesunga Giscombe, Dora Kamau and Eve Louis Prieto.
Post production by Dan Kroll, music by Scott Sorensen and Chris Marguilla.
It was developed by Ash Jones, Scott Sorensen, Robin Hopkins and Baron Farmer and a special thanks to Danny Karasimi and Colleen Lutz.
