Hey, it's your friend Mel and welcome to the Mel Robbinspodcast.
I'm so glad that you're here with me and I just want to thank you for making the Mel Robbins podcast one of the top podcasts in the entire world and I also want to acknowledge you for taking the time and choosing to listen to something that can help you create a betterlife.
I just think that's super cool and you're going to love our conversationtoday.
Do you ever feel like your life islike,meh, littlebland, youknow, kind oflike,ah, youknow, you just kind of know deep in yourheart, the things arefine, but you're just not living your best and most authenticlife.
I know I've certainly felt that way andtoday, you and I are going to throw out that rule book on how to live life according to everyone else and we're going to focus on the key and the key to living your most authentic life is getting in touch with your trueself.
So how about you and I have a raw and honest conversation about how you do that because so many of us have it all wrong and I have boiled it down to seven truths that you need to know in order to unlock your confidence to be your true self and that's what you and I are talking abouttoday.
Well,hello, dearest gentlelisteners.
It isme, Lady MelRobbins, averbatire.
Oh mygosh. Today's episode is incredibly special because it's brought to you by Netflix and I couldn't be more excited to have Netflix sponsoring this episode of the Mel Robbins podcast because first ofall, one of my favorite shows is onNetflix.
I'm talking aboutBridgerton, part one of Bridgerton season three ishere.
It is out now only on Netflix and I got a sneak peak of season three and it has inspired absolutely everything that you and I are going to talk about today about the art of being yourself and seven truths to unlocking yourconfidence.
I've totally immersed myself in the world of Bridgerton because I love thisshow.
It has been a show that my daughters and I have bonded over over the past fewyears.
Imean, we watched the entire first season together in one day when it premiered and if you haven't seenBridgerton, now's the perfect time to start because a new season season three justdrop.
It hasromance,passion, plottwists,turns, fabulouscostumes, beautiful cinematography and so many life lessons and it also has everything that you and I love in a gooddrama.
Complex characters and you and I love complex characters because you and I are complex characterstoo.
Now, I'm not going to be spilling a lot of tea on the series but this season explores a theme that you and I are going to talk about today which is how do you become your trueself?
How do you show up in life when it's going to disappoint everyone's expectations if you live life yourway?
This new thirdseason, one of Bridgerton's maincharacters, Penelope Featherington finds herself straddling two identities to the outsideworld.
She's just as quietwallflower.
She's always byherself.
She's the one that no one takes any romantic interest in but she has this second life where she is a scandalous gossip columnauthor.
It's like the TMZ of the Regency era and everyone is reading and talking about what she writes and there's only just a few people who secretly know it's Penelope that's writing thecolumn.
So on onehand, here she is this wallflower that no men are interested in and on the otherhand, she's got all of society in the palm of her hands because she's writing the gossip column that everybody reads and guesswhat?
This season it all comes to ahead.
She's at acrossroad. Who does she want tobe?
Does she want to live the rest of her life living at home with a mother writing this column insecret?
Does she want to step into thespotlight?
The big theme of this season is all about finding the courage and the confidence to be yourself and I know you can relate because I'm sure you've had an experience in your life where there's some part of you that you've been hiding from everybody else or you feel like you're getting passedover.
No one notices you or the moves you want to make are going to disappoint somebodyelse.
Well, today you and I are taking inspiration from Bridgerton season three and we're talking about the seven truths that you need to know to unlock the confidence to be your authentic self and these are the same truths by the way that Penelope is going to have to face as she figures out who she wants to be when she uh oh I almost spilled the spoilers there and I said I wasn't going to dothat.
You shall have to watch and see part one of Bridgerton season three debuts May 16th only onNetflix.
Today's episode on the art of being yourself and the seven truths on how to be your true authentic self is inspired by the Bridgerton series but it's going to be taught by me your friendMel.
So let me get this big old wig off but you know what I think I'm going to leave the dress on because I think this is a pretty good color forme.
So today I'm going to share seven truths about how you can be your most authenticself.
Are youready?Awesome.
So my let'sgo. So here's the first truth about being your most authenticself.
When you start putting yourself first you're going to just avoid otherpeople.
It is inevitable you have to learn how to be okay with it because if someone's going to be disappointed by the way that you're living your life it better not be you and I'm going to say thatagain.
Someone is always going to be disappointed by the choices that you're making but starting today if you want to live a life that is true to you it better not be you that is disappointed by the decisions that you're making and there is no faster way to be disappointed with your life than living it in a way that makes other people happy but youmiserable.
Somebody will always be disappointed and I can give you a bazillion examples from my ownlife.
Like for example when I met my husband Chris I grew up in theMidwest.
Chris's family is from theNortheast.
My parents were not thatthrilled.
I mean they liked Chris but they had always hoped that I would marry somebody that would bring me back to the Midwest and now of course that I'm a parent I secretly hope that my three kids that their partners you know keep them close to me I getit.
So they were really disappointed that I married somebody that had me build a life with him far away but the truth is it doesn't matter that they're disappointed because it's mylife.
I've got to learn if I want to live a life that is authentic to me how to make decisions that make me happy and hold space for the people in my life that might be disappointed about it and so areyou.
So if you plan to leave that corporate job and you want to take a risk and do that startup business or you want to do something in the health space guess who's going to question youeverybody.
Your partner might question you because they're worried about whether or not you're going to besuccessful.
Your parents might question you because they're in a generation where you stayed in the corporate jobforever.
Your kids might be questioning you because they're worried about whether or not you're going to be traveling too much for this new thing that you're doing and whether or not you're going to bearound.
It's okay that people question you just don't let their questioning make you question the decisions that are the best decisions foryou.
Here's anotherone. Let's say you want to start a new chapter and part of that new chapter is that you're going to move acrosscountry.
Are there going to be people in your life that are disappointed that you're leaving where you livenow?
Of course they loveyou.
Your friends don't want you to leave because they love being aroundyou.
Hold space for them to be disappointed but don't you dare let that stop you from doing what's authentic to you and another one that you may struggle with especially if you're a people pleaser and you being you is something that is going to require a lot of boundaries when you start standing in your know and you're no longer adormant.
You better believe people are going to be disappointed because they are so used to taking advantage of you that this is a whole newyou.
They're not going to like the new you because the old you was a person that they got a lot of mileage out of whether they realized it or not and so I am here to tell you to give you permission right here and now to sayno.
I am here to tell you that being the true you means that your mom might not like what youdo.
Your roommates may be upset aboutit.
Your significantother, yourboss, all of it but you got to learn how to start speaking up foryourself.
You got to learn to say it's not mybudget.
I can't go on the girlstrip.
I'm not interested in anotherdate.
I'm not staying out latetonight.
No, you're not borrowing thatthing.
All of these things are not only reasonable to say they are necessary for you because you got to learn how to let other people down to pick yourself up and to put yourselffirst.
Youknow, you're not responsible for somebody else's reactions to what you'redoing.
You're responsible for making decisions that make you proud and make youhappy.
And the fact is if taking care of yourself means you got to let someonedown, then let someonedown.
And I getit. This is going to behard.
This is hard foreverybody.
It's one of the reasons why being the most authentic version of yourself is one of the bravest things in the world to do because you do have to learn how to let other peopledown.
You do have to learn how to hold space for somebody to be disappointed or upset with the decisions that you'remaking.
Why do you know that these decisions actually are the right ones foryou?
And right now your comfort zone is not doing any favors because people are walking all over you and you're pretending to like things you don't like and you're not speaking up foryourself.
When you push yourself in this regard and you feel thatdiscomfort, you're building resilience and here's the really importantpart.
It strengthens your sense of self because when you're a doormat or when you stay silent or when you make decisions because you're scared of disappointingpeople, you lose your sense ofself, don'tyou?
There's a little part of you that dies a littlebit.
And so I want you to reframe the discomfort that you feel when you start to make decisions that feel good for you and you also hold space for knowing that someone's going to be letdown, someone's going to be disappointed when you sayno.
Somebody is going to like have a littlereaction.
You can hold space for that and still be true toyourself.
Refrain this tension that you feel as a sign ofgrowth.
It's not a sign offailure.
You're not failinganybody.
You're actually succeeding in becomingyourself.
Honor yourfeelings. Hold space for someone else'sreaction.
It's not your responsibility to manageit.
They're anadult. Let them sit with theirfeelings.
Your responsibility is to stay true toyourself.
And there will always be somebody who is let down by the decisions that you'remaking.
But startingtoday, it better not be you that's let down by the way that you're living yourlife.
Because to be your trueself, you are going to disappointsomeone.
Period. Learn to live withit.
Here's the second truth about living your most authentic life and being your most authenticself.
Being yourself is soenergizing.
And we forget that because it's easy to live a life where you're just going through the motions and you feel superdepleted.
And you know that this is true that being yourself is energizing because when you're pretending to be someone that you'renot, it'sexhausting.
It'sexhausting. And it's important to really highlight what I'm talking about here because I know that you're going to be listening to yourlike, but how do I know what'strue?
How do I know to trust myinstincts?
How do Iknow? Youknow, to trust myGod.
Yes, youdo. You know exactly who youare.
I'm going to repeatthat.
You know exactly who youare.
And let me explainwhy. There is an energy that is associated with your true authenticself.
Okay? Anenergy. You literally feel expanded when you are living in yourtruth.
Andoftentimes, simply knowing that the people that you'rearound, the life that you'releading, it is depleting yourenergy, that's how you know you're not being true toyourself.
And I wantto, I want to really highlight somethinghere.
It takes courage to recognize that you're in a chapter of your life where you're not being true toyourself.
Where the people that you'rearound, where the time that you'respending, it's drainingyou.
And I want to dive deeper into this and make sure that you have a very clear picture of what being authentic means and how empowering and energizing itis.
And that term authenticself, what does that evenmean?
Well, let's bring in one of the world's leadingexperts, a psychologist by the name ofDr.
RamaniDiversal, she's appeared on the Mel Robbinspodcast, a number oftimes.
And I want you to hear what she says about what it truly takes to be the most authenticyou.
The hardest thing in the world is to be authentic because to be authentic is to beunpopular.
To be authentic is to blaze your owntrail, even when other people are clock-clucking at you and stigmatizing you and looking at you the sideeye.
Authentic people are very clear on theirvalues, what they standfor, what matters forthem.
And so I'm not saying that authentic people don't feelguilt, they'll feel tremendousguilt, but they'll also feel committed to the potential within them and the people they careabout.
And tosay,ultimately, giving into this person's abuse is not doing honestly me any favors forsure.
It's not doing my kids anyfavors.
It's not doing the people I care about anyfavors.
And it's actually not doing them any favors because it's reinforcing them in this sickcycle.
And I don't want to be part ofthis.
So we've got to get away from the idea that authenticity iseasy, authentic people actually often have smaller social networks than other people because they've called away all the deadweight.
They've cleared away all the branches that aredead.
Like theysaid,no, I will not have people around me that areunhealthy, that areinvalidating.
Imean, it's it is a bravestand.
And it's not an easystand.
And some people say authentic people areselfish.
They'recold, they're up inthe,they'll, youknow, that they'll really paint them inlike,oh, who do you think you are that you get to dothat?
And all the authentic person is doing is trying to drawboundary.
I want to repeat a few things that really struck me about whatDr.
Romanisaid. That being authentic is one of the hardest things in theworld.
And the reason why that's true is because you got to be willing to disappoint people and you got to be willing to put yourselffirst.
And I love that you kept using the words brave and courageous and that authentic people know what they standfor.
And they have a healthy circle surroundingthem.
And oftentimes it's a smallcircle.
And that was a huge takeaway for me because I think what happens when you start to put yourself first and you are willing to disappoint people and you start to pay attention to yourenergy.
Where is it that you feelenergized?
Where do you feel depleted in yourlife?
Your energy is telling you who's draining you and who'snot.
And I have found personally that the more that I live my life aligned with what is right forme, the smaller and smaller my friend groupgets.
Because you start to value the type of people and situations that bring youenergy.
It's sort of like you could think about it thisway.
Energy is the truth teller here when it comes to what's authentic toyou.
And when you're in a situation that is aligned with who you actually are and what youvalue, it's almost like you can plug into a light socket and you feel energized and lit up by the people around you or what you'redoing.
And the same is true about being in the wrong situation or the wrongroom.
You've had thoseexperiences,right?
Where you walk in and you're all feeling confident and alive and all this stuff and then all of asudden,whoop, pull the plug out of the socket because I don't feel any energy righthere.
And that's whatDr. Romani means when she says it's one of the hardest things in the world because you have to start to pay attention when you want to live as your true self to whatspaces, places and people restrict your energy and whatplaces, spaces and people expand your energy because you do have a life forceenergy.
And when you are living your life in a way that is true to who you actuallyare, you do comealive.
It's rocket fuel for yoursoul.
It propels youforward.
It gives you a sense of purpose and passion and it can make youunstoppable.
So I know what you'rethinking.
Okay,Mel, that'sgreat.
I getit. I can think of situations where I've been around people that drain my life force energy and I was a doormat and the people please are and I was notmyself, I getit.
I also know the few people in my life where I feel like I can bemyself.
But how do I dothis? How do I start to be and live as my trueself?
Well, let's find the energy because the energy doesn'tlie.
I'm going to give you some questions to really thinkabout.
Where in your life do you feel the most energized and excited andexpansive?
I want you to really think aboutthat.
Okay. Are there certain people that when their name just pops up on yourphone, you'relike,ah, something opensup.
Are there ways that you're spending your time that you just get lost in time because you just enjoy doing it somuch.
What really makes you comealive?
Who excitesyou? What are the things in your life that you look forwardto?
And if you can't think aboutanything, you're so drained by yourlife, you're so offtrack, I want you to think back to your childhood or think back to a point in your life where you were justhappier.
You felt moreenergized.
You had more to look forward to and askyourself, what was I doing when I washappier?
Maybe you were on a soccer team when you were incollege.
And you were often with groups of friends exercising ortraining.
Could you add that back in now by joining agym?
Could you sign up for a5K?
Could you get a bunch of friends to go for a hike thisweekend?
Maybe when you wereyounger, you spent hoursdrawing.
You would just get lost in a puzzle or playing cards or creating intricate worlds or fascinating movies in your mind or these little clay animation animation things that you would make of the dining room table or maybe you were buildingthings.
You were happiest when you were remodeling your house yourself and painting every room afterwork.
Maybe you were writing or playing with animals or making people laugh with your hilarious sense of humor and taking an improvclass.
That thing that made youhappy.
That thing that made you comealive.
That's the starting point to opening up to morehappiness, to more of your trueself.
And it might just mean something small putting spirituality or meditation back into yourlife.
Whatever it is that makes you feel more energized and more expanded more likeyourself.
Wouldn't it be great to feel more likeyourself?
That's what I'm talkingabout.
Because when you get honest with yourself about what uniquely makes you feel like you and you start to take the little actions that insert little bits ofhappiness, little bits ofyou, things that are right in front of your face back into your life rightnow, your true self comes to thesurface.
When you pick up thepen, when you start doing the creativeprojects, when you go back tochurch, when you start training for that5K, when you get out into the woods everyweekend, that's what's going to make you feel like you andlook.
Because you're not doing it rightnow, it might not feel that easy todo, but I promise you this is exactly what you need todo.
And it is so much easier than trying to be like everybodyelse.
I want you to reclaim your life force energy back for yourself and start building a life that feels more authentically likeyou.
And that's truth numbertwo.
Being yourself isenergizing.
And when you stop pretending to be somebody else and you start allowing yourself to just live your life in a way that makes you feel moreexpanded,well, that's going to make you moreconfident.
And that brings me to truth numberthree.
Being yourself createsconfidence.
Because the more that you pretend to be somebody that you'renot, the more that you pretend to like things that you don't really like todo, the moreself-doubt, fear and paralysis that you're going tofeel.
I recently had thisepiphany.
I am a member of a family where everybody in my family loves toski.
And foryears, I've pretended that I like toski.
And do you want to know thetruth?
I don't like toski. I reallydon't.
And I finally said to my family thiswinter, you know whatguys?
I love that we're a skifamily, but I'm not a ski familyperson.
And so you guys canski, but I'm not going to really skianymore.
And I don't really feel the pressure toski.
And I want to tell yousome.
It was soliberating. Were theydisappointed?
Ofcourse, because they want me out on the slopes withthem.
I don't want to doit. It doesn't bring me anyjoy.
And I am so done pretending to like things that I don't actuallylike.
And so that's a simple example of how liberating it is and how much more confidence that you feel when you give yourself permission to just beyou.
And I'm going to give you anotherexample.
And this is really important because this one crosses into your professionallife.
And so I'm going to tell you a story from a couple decades ago when I was in lawschool, believe it ornot, check thisout.
Back in the early90s, women did not wear pants when they worked in a large lawfirm.
Like not allowed to wearpants.
How freaking bizarre isthat?
Well, that was that was just the way that itwas.
Okay. And the thing is is that when you talk about being your authenticself, I'm just never a gal to wear a pencil skirt towork.
First ofall, you can't sit inthem.
I can't walk in themeither.
Secondly, it's just not mything.
I'm in my third year of law school where everybody'spanicked, stricken about getting a job and you're applying tojobs.
And all of these big firms are coming to the campus to interview you to hire you for jobs that when yougraduate, have ajob.
And so I go to the mall and I go to Anteller and I buy this navy blue pantsuit.
I had this big widebelt.
It was just smokingawesome, especially for the early90s.
I'm all dressed up to walk into myinterviews.
And I walk up the stairs to the main hall at Boston College Law School for my firstinterview.
And as I'm walking up thestairs, a friend of mine is walking down the stairs and he'slike, are you wearing that to theinterview?
Have you lost yourmind,Bell?
You know you're not going to get hired if you're wearingpants.
And Isaid,yeah, no one I would want to workfor.
And here are thefacts. Wearing a pair of pants meant that95% of the places that I interviewedfor, they didn't offer me ajob.
But I'm going to tell youwhat, I think it's the smartest move that you could make in life to beyourself.
And remember whatDr. Ramanisaid, it was also the bravest and one of the hardest things that you can do to be authentic because it means you have to stand on your own atsometimes.
And what that means for me is that it meant that I not only got to wear pants to work when I did finally get hiredsomewhere, but I got to work at a place where I could bemyself.
Imean, just imagine thealternative, where you have to walk into a job everyday, where you not only can't wear the kind of clothes that youlike, but you don't feel like you can beyourself.
Imean, I've had jobs likethat.
I'm sure you haveto. How does it feel to sit at a job where you can't beyourself?
It'sdraining. So wherever it is in your life that you're feeling afraid or full of doubt or you're feeling drained and you're sitting there wearing a skirt and you wish you were wearingpants, I'm going to tell yousome, you're not showing up as your authenticself.
And the mistake that you're making is the mistake that I made for a longtime.
You're waiting for confidence so that you can changeus.
And I am here to tellyou, confidence is waiting for you to showup.
And I know this is easier said thandone.
This is whatDr. Ramani was saying when she says this is the hardest thing to do to be your authenticself.
It takes bravery because you're not going to feel likeit.
You're going to feel a little bit scared when you first start showing up as yourself and making decisions that really align with you and prioritizing your time and your energy to the things that really make you feelexpanded.
Here is the definition backed by research and science of what confidence actuallyis.
Confidence is not afeeling.
Confidence is anaction.
Confidence is the willingness totry.
That is your new definition ofconfidence.
I'm going to say itagain.
Confidence is the willingness totry.
So even when you're full ofdoubt, if you move ahead and you do itanyway, you are buildingconfidence.
And the other thing I want you to understand is that confidence is not just something that some people are bornwith,something, youknow, some peoplearen't.
That's not how thisrolls.
Confidence is something that you build every singleday.
Becauseagain, let's go back to thedefinition.
Confidence is the willingness totry.
It's not a personalitytrait.
It is askill. And this is fantastic news because if it's askill, it means you can practice the skill and you can build confidence because every time youtry, you become more confident in who you'rebecoming.
And that's the truth aboutlife.
It's thatsimple. Being yourself createsconfidence.
And that ties into thisdefinition.
I want you to trymore. I want you to be brave because every time you start to show up asyourself, the confidence is going tobuild.
Andlook, if you have trouble pushing yourself to try newthings, if you have trouble wearing the pants to theinterview, if you have trouble putting yourself out there and speaking up and takingrisks, here's a quick hack that you canuse.
It helps to find a partner to practice thiswith.
Okay? So who could that person be in yourlife?
This little like confidence pusherperson.
Do you have a very positiveroommate?
Do you have a brother or a sister or acousin?
Do you have an oldfriend?
Do you have a buddy atwork?
You know somebody that is going to push you a little bit out of your comfortzone.
Somebody that is willing to get on board to help you try some new things to take some risks to encourageyou.
Andlook, if you don't have somebody like that in yourcorner, just imagine that I'm there because I'm always in yourcorner.
Youknow, you can imagine what would Mel say right now is you're getting dressed for theinterview.
You know what I wouldsay?
Where are thepants? If you feel like yourself in thepants, where are thepants?
Stop pretending that you're not that person like beyourself.
And so if you're somebody that wants to put yourself out theremore, practice going up to people and talking about the business that you'relaunching.
And if you don't have that cousin or that sibling or that roommate that'slike, comeon, get overthere.
Get overthere. Just imagine that your friend Mel Robbins is theregoing, comeon, sign up for that5K.
Comeon. Let'sgo. Let'sgo.
I'll be the one that's whispering in yourmouth.
We can doit. You can doit.
I'm going to be right there by your side because the third truth about living your most authentic life and being your true self is that when you start acting likeyou, the realyou, it createsconfidence.
There are four more that you and I are going tocover, but I want to take a quick pause so we can hear a word from our amazing sponsorNetflix.
And you're going to want to stick around because let me tell you the sixthtruth.
Oh, it's the one I know you really need tohear.
Stay withme. Dearest gentlereaders, Bridgerton is back and the Chan is buzzing with the latest whistle downscandal.
And I know a little bit about the latest scandal because I've watched the entire thirdseason.
Thanks to the earlyscreening.
Thankyou,Netflix. Don'tworry.
I'm not going to spoilanything, but I have to tell you at least some things to get you pumped up to watch seasonthree.
Here's how the new season is startingoff.
Penelope is ready to move out of her familyhome.
And to dothat, she needs to find ahusband.
But in order to get ahusband, Penelope might be forced to give up her secret identity as the gossip columnwriter.
Now I was cheering for Penelope and so willyou.
And the suspense had me on the edge of myseat.
You're going to be on the edge of your seattoo.
She wants to find love and she wants to keep writing her secretcolumn.
And as I'm watching her struggle with thisconflict, I'm askingmyself, how can she have it all when she's living twolives?
Penelope just started finding herself and her voice through Lady Whistle down that secret identity as a gossip columnwriter, which Ilove.
But now she wants to just give it allup.
If she also wants to findlove, I could see it in herface.
She's not ready to give this part of her lifeup.
She's just discovered herself through all thiswriting.
She's not ready to give up the power that she's found atit.
But she wantslove. His Penelope's secret identity is Lady Whistledown, going to destroy any possible chance that love that shehas.
Can she really have itall?
Herpassion, herlove,marriage, allthree?
You shall have to watch andsee.
Part 1 of Bridgeton Season 3 debuts May16th, only onNetflix.
Welcomeback. It's your friendMal, and you and I are talking about the big seven truths on living confidently as your true authenticself.
Now you've already learned the first threetruths.
Numberone, when you start putting yourselffirst, you're going to disappointpeople.
That'sokay. You got to learn how to dothat.
Numbertwo, being yourself isenergizing.
And you know that's true because trying to not beyourself, that isdraining.
And truth numberthree, you got to learn to be yourself first because that's what creates theconfidence.
Don't sit around waiting for theconfidence.
You got to break through the self doubt by being yourself and you're going to see your confidencebuilding.
Now here's the fourth truth to being your trueself.
Loving yourself first will create true and lasting love with otherpeople.
Imean, think aboutthat.
How could you feel good enough for someone else if you're not even good enough foryourself?
And there's a lot of research that really is going to help you understandthis.
Research shows that in order to create betterrelationships, check thisout.
You don't change the person that you'redating.
You have to changeyourself.
That's why the art of being yourself is going to require you to learn how to truly loveyourself.
It's almost as if loving yourself is the loudest love language thereis.
Research has found that in a romanticrelationship, who youare, has a much bigger effect than the match between you and somebodyelse.
I must say thatagain, who you are has a much bigger effect than the match between you and yourpartner.
I want you to listen to this study because it shows that the quality of your relationships will not change until youchange.
Now, this is based on an eight year long study that showed that people had the same dynamics in new partnerships as they had in past brokenrelationships.
After the glow of the initial honeymoon dating phase hadfaded, same exact dynamics as the old brokenrelationships.
Now,Dr. Matthew Johnson from the University ofAlberta, who's a relationship researcher and lead author on the study saidthis, although some relationship dynamics maychange.
You are still the sameperson.
So you likely recreate many of the same patterns with the nextpartner.
So here's what that research means foryou.
It doesn't matter if your partner is one of the best people in theworld.
If you'reinsecure, if you have a poor selfimage, if you have a terrible relationship withyourself, if you have lowself-worth, you're not going to be able to connect with thatperson.
Infact, I bet you've had experiences in your past where you have dated somebody who's absolutely awesome and you're the one sabotagingthings.
That was me all through highschool,college, and lawschool.
I dated really greatpeople, but here's theproblem.
I hatedmyself. And instead of learning how to lovemyself, you know what Idid, I just kept changing the person that I waswith.
It was a great distraction in thebeginning, but thenultimately, guess what happens when all the nudists were aswell.
Hello, you're still there with your same broken relationship withyourself.
And it wasn't until I started to change myself that I was able to create better relationships with otherpeople.
So if you're sitting there looking around on all the dating apps or looking around outside yourself for the validation and love that youneed, you're looking in the wrongplace.
Based on the research and commonsense, you got to look in themirror.
Infact, I mean itliterally.
I want you to start your day by looking in the mirror and doing something very specific to improve the relationship that you have withyourself.
This is something that I'm in hisheat.
You called the high fivehabit.
I've written an entire international selling book aboutthis.
And it uses a field of research calledNarobics, which is the fastest proven way to reprogram old thinkingpatterns.
And let's faceit, hatingyourself, telling yourself you're not goodenough, treating yourself likegarbage.
That is an old outdated thinkingpattern.
We got to reboot yourmind.
We got to update the way that you talk to yourself and treatyourself.
And so I'm going to teach you how to use a simple hand gesture with a brand new thought to reprogram the way that you look atyourself, that you treatyourself.
And it's going to help you loveyourself.
This is called the high fivehabit.
Now my research team and I have now tested this free and simple habit with over 175,000 people who have tried it for fivedays.
And the results areincredible.
You are going to change how you feel aboutyourself, which is what the research says that you have todo.
Love yourselffirst. And here's how you're going to practiceit.
Every single morning after you're done brushing yourteeth, you're going to look yourself in themirror.
And you're simply going to high five your own reflection in the mirror to send yourself in theday.
I'm notkidding. I know it soundsridiculous.
It soundscheesy, but every singlemorning, brush yourteeth, put your toothbrushdown, look yourself in themirror.
And then you're going to raise your hand and high fiveyourself.
And here's what'scrazy.
You are going to feel the impactimmediately.
And after practicing this for fivedays, simply adding a high five in the mirror to yourself without saying a thing before you send yourself into theday.
And after practicing it for five days in arow, it changes how you seeyourself.
One of the reasons why this works isthis.
High five is what's called a neurobicexercise.
And a neurobic exercise makes your brain snap intoattention.
It creates this kind of like brain fertilizer that makes your brain learn new habitsfaster.
They are one of the easiest and most powerful ways to create new pathways and connections in yourbrain.
And they have three specificparts.
First ofall, you take a routine activity like brushing your teeth in the morning and looking in themirror.
And you then pair it with something unexpected like all the sudden high five inyourself.
You don't do that everymorning.
So your brain's not expectingthat.
And the third and final piece to this based on the research is it's paired with an emotion or thought that you'd like tofeel.
Now here's where this habit gets superexciting.
Let's think about a highfive.
What does a high fiverepresent?
A high five is a positive gesture thatsays, I loveyou, I supportyou, I see you keepgoing.
Your brain knows what a high fiveis.
A high five is1000% positiveprogramming.
Imean, you have been giving other people high five your entirelife.
You have been showing them thelove.
You've been celebratingthem.
And so when you high fiveyourself, it triggers celebratory and encouraging emotions to flood yourbody.
The heightened aerobic state of high five in yourself creates new nerve connections in your brain that connect the action of high fiveing with the emotion ofcelebration.
So every time you high fiveyourself, you aim all that high five goodness and positive programming right back at your ownreflection.
How freaking cool isthat?
Imean, you would high five the person that you love in themorning, wouldn'tyou?
So now you're doing it toyourself.
And trust me when I tell youthis, when you try this five mornings in arow, start your day with a high five in themirror, you'll not only experience a boost in themoment, but over time something awesomehappens.
This aerobic exercise rewires your mindset for moreresilience, which is one of the most powerful benefits of a highfive.
Iknow, Iknow, I know it soundssimple, but this cuts sodeep.
And you don't need to believeme.
You just need to try it for fivedays.
And see whathappens. Imean, what do you have tolose?
If you nowknow, based on the research that loving yourself first is the most important factor in you having loving relationships with otherpeople, why wouldn't you try something forfree?
Thisworks. It's grounded in science and loving yourself first is how you create true and lasting love with other people in yourlife.
Allright. Let's talk about the fifth truth of being your trueself.
And here itis. Learn to love what is unique about you because there is nothing authentic about constantly trying to fitin.
I'm continuing to hit my teacuphere.
And here's what is scary about the times that we livein.
Our friends on Bridgerton did not have to deal with socialmedia.
They just felt the fear of FOMO and the pressure to conform when they went into aball.
But for you andme, it is in our face on our phones with social media all daylong.
It is so easy to feel pressure to be just like everybodyelse, to where the latestoutfit, to follow the latesttrend, to be drinking the right brand ofwhatever, to be wearing our hair a certainway.
It's almost like we all are now running toward the samething.
Imean, even just take something as simple as an engagementring.
Why does everybody have to have adiamond?
Imean, diamonds aren't the only gems thatsparkle.
Every gemdoes. That sparkle is youruniqueness.
And it'severywhere. And a lot of times it's in the things that you don't appreciate aboutyourself, the way that youlaugh, how you put everybody atease, or the serious amount of time that you take when picking out your ice creamflavor.
Imean, even the line behind you is now a milelong.
You aretaken... This is myhusband,Chris, by theway.
He alwaysdoes. Can I have asample?
Can I have asample? And I was sitting herethinking, why are you having a sample when I know exactly what you're going toorder?
And then he ultimately orders black raspberry ice cream with chocolatechips.
And here's thething. It used to drive mecrazy.
But now I love it abouthim.
Andhonestly, when I think aboutit, that's the kind of unique thing about Christopher Robbins because that's how he goes through everything in hislife.
Infact, I was just traveling with Chris and our son Oakley thisweekend.
And we were moving through an airport and I kept turning to our son Oakleygoing, where is yourfather?
Because Chris was nowhere to beseen.
And Oakley would turn himlike,oh, you knowhim.
He's just strollingaround, taking it allin.
Chris just moves at a differentpace.
Because here heis, I don't know where in theairport.
And I'm already throughsecurity.
I've gotten acoffee. I'm ready to board at thegate.
Chris is probably still talking to the guy at theTSA, getting to know I'm here about I was day wasgoing.
And I just love that aboutChris.
And so what is the thing about you that you've been hating on or you've been making yourselfwrong?
What if you could learn to loveit?
Yourheight, yourfreckles, or that you'd rather be the one listening and taking it all in and behind thescenes.
You don't need to be the center ofattention.
What if you celebratedthat?
Or maybe you're the one who isn't willing to settle forsomebody, who isn't willing tosay,well, good enough is good enough forme.
Or a job that's kindof,eh, it pays abills.
Now, celebrate the fact that you're always looking formore.
Just because there's something about that that makes you comealive.
All that stuff is yoursparkle.
And here's the cool thing on focusing on what makes youunique.
When you're not so focused on fitting in and being like everybodyelse, you don't feel socompetitive.
It's almost as if by recognizing what's unique aboutyou, you start to see what's unique abouteverybody.
Andsuddenly, there's room foreverybody.
Nocomparison, nojudgment, just admiration for everybody's sparkle allaround.
You're allowing space for your authenticity and for everybody else'sauthenticity.
Without doing all that competitive crap that makes us feel superior in themoment, but keeps you feeling insecure and afraid of judgment because if you're busy judging otherpeople, you know that subconsciously they're doing that toyou.
Now, this not only is going to help you learn how to appreciate and love all the many facets that make upyou, but it will also help you appreciate and love all the many facets that make up the people that youlove.
And instead of trying to change someoneelse, like I'm not going to speed Chris up through theairport, I'm not going to change his ice cream order or how he doesit.
It's not my job to turn him into somebody that he'snot.
You know what my job is in arelationship?
It's to learn how to admire and love what is unique about somebodyelse.
To give someone else the space to express what is unique aboutthem, nocomparison, nojudgment, just admiration allaround.
Because when you remember that all gemssparkle, you'll also see more beauty than you ever couldbefore.
And that brings us totruth, numbersix.
What you think about your life matters way more than what other people think aboutit.
And it is high time if you want to live your most authentic life and be your true self for you to care more about what you think and feel than how other people feel aboutit.
Because you willnever,ever, ever live a life that you're meant tolive.
If you're constantly worried about what other people are thinking or if you're worried about whether or not they're going to judgeyou.
And as I saidearlier, they're going to people are going to be disappointed no matter what youdo.
Letthem. And the tool here that you need to be yourself is my let themtheory.
Just letthem. Let themjudge, let them bedisappointed.
Let them say what they're going tosay.
Let them not inviteyou.
Let them do what they're going to do or not do it will literally freeyou.
When you let other people say what they're going to say and you do not make it your concern to waste your time and energy trying to manageit.
But instead you take your power back and you turn all that time and energy back on you and you flip it back yourself and yousay, you knowwhat?
Let them say what they're going tosay.
Let me live mylife. Let me bemyself.
Let me do what makes mehappy.
Let me spend my Friday night or my weekend or next year putting myselffirst.
When you dothat, you unlock a level of confidence and freedom that you have never felt in your entirelife.
And this is not about not caring about what other peoplethink.
Because ofcourse, you kind ofcare.
It's about learning how to care more about what makes youhappy.
Ofcourse, youcare. That's why you've led other people's opinions bother you solong.
But here's one thing I'm going to hit youwith.
When you use my Let themtheory, you're going to learn that two things can be true at the sametime.
Other people can have their opinions about you and they can still loveyou.
Other people can question or be critical of what you're doing and they can still be yourfriend.
And if you stop and think aboutit, you feel that way about otherpeople.
Imean, just think about your ownfamily.
How many times do people that you love do things that you do not like in myhousehold?
It'sdaily. That does not change the fact that I still love my family likecrazy.
Infact, I think your family teaches you how to love somebody that you don't actually like all thetime,right?
Two things can be true atonce.
You can have an opinion about what somebody's doing and still care about them and lovethem.
So give yourself the same grace that you're given everyone else in yourlife.
Let them have their opinions and then remind yourself to let me live my life because myhappiness, my authenticity is myresponsibility.
And I would rather spend my time and energy managing that than managing people's opinions aboutit.
And that brings me to the final and seventhtruth.
So many of you write to me andsay,Mel, can I truly have itall?
And here's truth numberseven.
Yes, you can have itall, but not all atonce.
Look, I know how it feels to have a dream that never seems tomaterialize.
I know how it feels to sacrifice your dream for everyone else's andthink, is it ever going to be myturn?
Is it ever going to be myturn?
I'm never going to be able to do what Iwant.
And so when you askme, can I truly have itall?
As yourfriend, I would never tell you that you cannot haveit.
If you're willing to work forit, I believe that you can create absolutely anything in yourlife.
Period. But it takes confidence and it takes living your life authentically to have itall.
And this is a really importantthing.
See, I think you're meant to discover who you trulyare.
And life holds back what you're meant to achieve until you start aligning your life with who you trulyare.
That there isn't an exchange here and you got to showup.
This is why remember rule numberthree.
You got to act like yourself because it createsconfidence.
You got to be the first one tomove.
And then life has this magical way of showing up and aligning and supporting the direction that you move in when you're moving in congruency with what energizesyou.
Because nothing will derail you faster than feeling like you can't keep it all together that you're not pursuing what truly matters toyou.
And the reason why that happens because you actually have your life organized where everybody else comesfirst.
You're not paying attention to the little things that make you feel more likeyou.
And that's why you need to hear me say when Isay,yeah, you can have it all but not all atonce.
And here's what I mean bythat.
Get serious about the many facets of yourlife.
Because you are a multi faceted sparkly person that has a lot goingon.
And then pick a theme that you're going to work on for six months at atime.
And by atheme, Imean, this is your numberone.
Okay, this is the facet we're going to focuson.
And there have been times in my life when my career was more important than the time I was spending athome.
There was a time in my life for my social life was way more important than school or mycareer.
There have been times where there was nothing more important on this planet than the people that Ilove.
And so pick a theme right now for the next six months of what your top priority in your life is going tobe.
When you think about your most authenticself, what do you want to focus on as the number one thing for the next sixmonths?
This is the thing that's going to bring you the mostexpansion.
The thing that really needs yourattention.
The thing that makes you feel like you are finally taking that internal spotlight and shining it on what matters most to you because you can have it all but not all atonce.
And if you get clear about what the number one thing is that you're pushingforward.
Here's what's reallyinteresting.
As you create space for that number onefacet,right?
And that's what you're going to shine your attentionon.
Something interestinghappens.
All of a sudden it creates little pockets at time to work on all the other thingstoo.
You can have it all but not all atonce.
Allright. How you feeling rightnow?
I feel prettygood. Are you ready to go and live your life foryou?
Are you ready to point yourself in a more true and authentic direction to feel moreenergized?
I know youare. So let me quickly recap the seventruths.
Numberone, when you start putting yourselffirst, you're going to disappoint otherpeople.
I want you to expectit. You got to learn how to be okay with it because when you don't live a life that is true toyou, you're disappointingyourself.
Numbertwo, being yourself is so energizing and that's yourGPS.
There's nothing more depleting in life than pretending you're somebody that you'renot.
Stop doingit. Pay attention to where your life is draining you and start adding in the small things during the day that make you comealive.
It is magical how it creates so much positive energy in yourlife.
Truth numberthree, being yourself createsconfidence.
So stop sitting around waiting for the doubt to goaway.
That self-doubt is blocking the realyou.
You have to be willing totry.
You have to be willing to pushyourself.
You have to be willing to move toward what is energizing and disappoint other people and the confidence willbuild.
Truth numberfour, loving yourself first will create true and lasting love with otherpeople.
So for the next fivedays, I want you to prove to yourself every single morning after you brush yourteeth.
I want you to high five yourself in the mirror as an act of love to prove to yourself that you are serious about changing your relationship with yourself and being more loving because when you love yourselffirst, you create true and lasting love with otherpeople.
Truth numberfive, learn to love what is unique aboutyou.
Instead of ignoring it or trying to changeit, embraceit, nojudgment, just all kinds ofadmiration.
It is just a simple trick that changeseverything.
Truth numbersix, what you think and feel about your life matters way more than what other people are going to think aboutit.
Look, people are going to have theiropinions, but your opinion about what you're doing is the most important one to careabout.
Andfinally, numberseven, you can have it all when you are your trueself.
Just not all atonce. So pick that number one facet of your life that you're going to focus on for the next six months and wake up every day and make sure that you are adding something in that allows you to feel the energy that comes when you know deep in your heart that you are spending time every day doing something that makes you feel more likeyou.
And with these seven truths as yourguide, you will feel moreconfident, more courageous and you now know the secret to living a more authenticlife.
And in case no one else tells youtoday, I wanted to be the first to tell you that I love you and I believe in you and I believe in your ability to create a better life by living it as your trueself.
Thankyou, thankyou, thank you for spending time with metoday.
I also want to thankNetflix, the sponsor of today'sshow, because one of my favorite shows on Netflix is back part one of Bridgerton season three is here and it inspired everything that you and I talked about today and the seven truths to unlocking your authenticself.
Now is the perfect time for you to find a place on thecouch, grab your friends or loved ones and watch and see how Penelope featherington steps into her light and her true self and to see how she's gained confidence through her writing and voice as the secret author of the lady whistle down gossipcolumn.
Now I've been sharing for Penelope since season one of the show and now in Bridgerton's third season she finally has her moment in thespotlight.
She's becoming brave enough to put herself out there and pursuelove.
But will that beenough?
Or did she wait toolong?
Does Penelope have it all in theend?
Does she find true love while staying true to herself and pursuing herpassions?
Or will she be forced to put those things on theshelf?
You're gonna have to watch and find out foryourself.
Part one of Bridgerton season three debuts May 16th only onNetflix.
Okay, BingoPresto. I'm back 300years.
Here wego. And I borrowed Venn Franklin'sglasses.
Okay. This new third season one of Bridgerton's main characters Penelope featheringten finds herself straddling twoidentities.
Excuseme. Lady Mel Robbins of VermontShire.
It had a biglunch.Okay.
Oh mygod. Oh mygod.Okay.
Whoa. I just knocked over myT-glasses.
This was so likeconfronting.
Sounds like mefarting.
Okay.Great.Okay. That's awrap.
Wooo!Oh, and one morething.
I know this is not ablooper.
This is the legallanguage.
You know what the lawyers write and what I need to read toyou.
This podcast is presented solely for educational and entertainmentpurposes.
I'm just yourfriend. I am not a licensed therapist and this podcast is not intended as a substitute for the advice of aphysician, professionalcoach,psychotherapist, or other qualifiedprofessionals.
Gotit?Good. I'll see you in the nextepisode.
