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Okay, let's get started.
Well, well, well.
Well, well, well.
Hello, Stelios.
Welcome to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend.
It's not Conan O'Brien.
Stelios, how are you?
Nice to meet you.
I'm fantastic.
Nice to meet you, Conan.
Nice to meet you, Matt and David.
Hi.
How's it going, guys?
We are doing very well.
Where are you right now, Stelios?
Tell me where you are in the world.
I am in hot Athens, Greece.
Okay.
Yeah.
It's kind of a hot dude in hot Athens.
I was going to say, you're an attractive man, Stelios.
Okay.
And so I didn't know if you meant hot Athens, that the temperature is high, or that just everyone which I would believe in a second, including yourself everybody in Greece is just hot.
It's like a walled city of Athens, but it's a special section called hot Athens where they only let the hot people in.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And I will never see it.
I believe people are very, very sweaty.
Yeah.
Okay.
So you meant temperature.
If you're into that, they're probably also hot.
But there's a nice spread of hot and not hot people in Greece.
Okay.
Like everywhere.
Yeah.
But this is.
I mean, this is fascinating to me, because often people ask for my help in some small way.
Can I come and help them do this or help them do that?
You, I'm told, think you can help me, but I don't know what you're talking about.
No one's disclosed that to me.
So why don't you tell me, Stelios, how you think you could help me?
Well, sure.
I've been watching you for a long time.
You do do a difficult job.
I've worked on TV, not like you, but I know how nerve-wracking it can be.
It's been years you have been conditioned to be running all day long and doing things.
And I think you need to chill, man.
I think you need to try and help you on this.
Can I say something, Stelios?
And I'm not kidding.
This message.
I am so ready for this message right now because I've been very fortunate crazily fortunate to enjoy a very nice career, but it has been a lot of work.
I run hot.
I am always activated and on.
I will do a show, a 20-minute show, for anybody I meet in the street, until they surrender and leave or run away.
I think that on the inside, all the plumbing is probably just ravaged.
By years of high pressure and various acids released through the cells.
So yes, I am ready to chill.
And Stelios coming right now, you might be my angel.
You might be my Grecian angel.
How are you going to do it, Stelios?
Look at the way he's chilling on the chair.
I know.
You know, all I can see, Stelios, is you from the collarbone up.
But even that much, you're managing to show incredible chill.
Everybody do the Stelios.
You are.
I'm also with my underwear from the like you do.
Please don't excite me, are you not on your underwear there?
Uh, i wear yes, i'm just in my underwear, but i wear 15 layers of underwear.
They're all corduroy and various burlaps.
Um, i'm not a chill dude and it's time we get one life.
I know that stellios, and i just want to chill.
How would you accomplish that?
Let's say, i came to visit you in athens.
How would you chill me out, Please do?
Okay.
First of all, it'll be nice for you.
I don't know if you've been here, but you haven't been here on a show.
I have never been to Greece.
Come on, Conan.
And my daughter just went there.
She stayed in hostels and backpacked and slept on friends' couches.
And she went to Athens and she loved it.
She's been dreaming about going there because she has read all the Greek myths and everything loves it.
I've never been.
Colin, it is the cradle of civilization that is collapsing right now.
So you should come, you know?
And- I thought that was Pittsburgh.
What's agree to disagree?
Yeah, I mean you can come over here and I'm gonna take you out and we're gonna go for a coffee, okay.
You're gonna leave your phone aside.
You're gonna leave everything aside.
And we're just gonna, people watch. and chat and chill.
We have a long history of philosophy in this country.
Yes.
And we like to talk a lot and we like to spend a lot of time drinking coffee.
I like how you want to chill me out.
I know.
But it seems like there's a lot of.
The first thing you're saying is lots of coffee, constant coffee, but I metabolize coffee.
I can drink three coffees and go to bed.
So I have that gene.
There you go.
Same.
And we can do decaf in the end of the day if you want, but the point is it's not the coffee.
We say coffee, but you can drink whatever you want.
The point is to sit for hours in one table with one order and look at people chat and start getting this tipping point of like oh, I got to do things, I got to do things.
Now I'm here, there's a tipping point, and you just let go and you chill.
So I can help you do that.
I love this.
I believe him.
I love this.
And I'm going to tell you something else.
Your whole vibe a word I don't use often because I think it's entrenched firmly in the early 70s.
But your whole vibe is relaxing.
Just in the time I've been talking to you, I think my heart rate has dropped 30 beats per minute.
That is a compliment.
I feel so much more relaxed just sitting here.
Yeah.
Well, you're always pretty relaxed.
That's true.
It's nice to be me.
You don't give a shit about anything.
Yeah.
Stelios, I like this idea of, And tell me a little bit about yourself.
Are you with someone?
Are you single?
Because I would imagine this vibe you have this chill Stelios vibe would play very well with anyone of either sex.
In hot Athens.
Mm-hmm.
I am with somebody, yes.
I love somebody.
Although today was a weird day, but let's see.
You went spot on there without knowing.
The laser now, the T-Rex saw a movement and is turning towards it.
Was there an argument today?
Much more than that, but we're trying to fix it, so I'll be okay.
Oh, man.
Okay.
Is this person in the house right now or have they evacuated?
No, no, no.
Okay.
It's okay.
If I can help you with that, let me know because I'm very good repairing relationships.
What if that's the twist?
You go to Athens and you help him.
And through that you've learned to chill, because you've had to teach the chillmeister to love again.
Wow.
Wow, this is a great screenplay you just wrote.
I know.
I hope it never is made.
It's called Hot Athens.
Yeah.
What about, because you say people watching, is there anything other than people watching?
Because I can people watch for a little bit.
It's very hard for me not to get involved.
That's the problem.
I don't just watch people.
I watch people for a little bit and then I go over there and I get involved.
Common.
Yeah.
Yeah.
This is my favorite trait of yours.
This is the thing I connect with you.
That's why I watch your travel shows, because I love just going in a place and start talking to strangers.
And this is how I traveled for years.
I was talking to anybody.
I have a great ability to do that and I connect with you on that.
And we will do that.
And that can be done in a chilled way.
It doesn't have to be, you know, we can go crazy.
We can do bits together.
You can do your bits, obviously.
Oh my God, you make it sound like it's a condition.
Of course, you'll probably have your fit that you have every now and then, and I'll put a wallet on your tongue.
You'll be treated.
I'll let you do your thing and whatever.
Yeah.
No, you're not wrong.
You're not wrong that I have these comedic seizures that just bum everyone out.
But I...
I'm wondering, would we go anywhere besides the coffee shop?
Or would I go all the way to Athens and just hang with you in the coffee shop?
Where else do you think we might go?
Well, there's a lot of interesting places to visit and see.
It depends how much deep you want to get in the culture and in the honesty of it, the true things.
We could get to the Acropolis and here and there and I'll be nice and everything.
But the real deal happens again.
First in coffee shops.
Second, and not just any hip hop coffee shop and stuff, we're going to go down to places that are old people smoking inside and just slagging one another and they just are miserable and then suddenly very joyful and it's a whole human geography over there underground scene you can explore.
And also we could go to the bouzoukia which I normally hate and I don't like.
And I'll explain the concept in a second.
But with you, I'd go in a heartbeat because we're going to laugh a lot.
What is it?
What is the bouzoukia?
The bouzoukia is basically venues for live music, specific live music.
Okay.
It's been happening for years here.
It's almost like a... It is a tradition, really.
It's Most of the times.
They have really, really bad Greek music with really cheesy.
It's like a soap opera for live music, basically.
I see.
In my view.
But... what you can appreciate and see and enjoy there is that shit is going down.
Like people go in normal.
Sometimes I say miserable because we're kind of people in Greece that We have extreme misery in our daily life and extreme joy at the same time.
Oh, wow.
Okay.
So I think, in my view, this is what characterizes us, this duality of the worst kind of complaining and very joyous behaviors.
So in there, people drink, and it's where they used to break plates.
I'm sure you know the stereotype.
Oh, yeah.
Which was true before.
It's the Zorba Zorba, the Greek kind of caricature, but there's some truth in it, which is live life to the fullest.
That means?
What is it?
Zorba says the whole catastrophe, meaning the good, the bad, the highs, the lows.
You know it's all happening.
You've got to embrace it all.
Exactly.
They're mostly drunk in there, but yeah.
Here's what you've told me so far, Stelios.
I'm just gonna sum it up.
You wanna take me out and really relax me.
That involves we go somewhere together and we drink a ton of coffee and stare at people awkwardly.
Then you say we go from there into a basement where there are very old men who hit each other.
Then you say we move on from that to a place that has the very worst music.
Stelios, if you were a tour guide, I think you'd be beaten over the head with a soft Greek cheese.
Correct.
I did ask if you want the real experience or not, though.
I do.
And listen, I do.
I'm, you know, I'm in for it.
The only thing I wish is that there was some kind of sex club.
You know, you completely... Where is that?
Let's talk about the sex club.
It's full of it.
For all of it.
Okay.
Well, come on.
We can go to sex clubs if you want.
Yeah.
I mean, I can't really do anything.
And when I mean can't, not because of my marital contract, because I'm physically unable.
I was neutered about six years ago.
Actually, it was 36 years ago.
But that's not important.
What's important is that I need sex to be part of this just because I'm a voyeur.
There's a word for it in our language.
Creep.
Creep.
I'm a creep.
And so I want that to be part of my travels.
So just work that in.
It could be a coffee sex shop where the sexual acts are happening.
I'm sipping coffee in a corner or old men are having sex.
I'll do that too.
I don't care.
We can go to places that are organized to give you this experience.
But also, if you want to be a real creep, you can go to beaches because we have it's the Mediterranean.
Okay, now you're talking.
I am a real creep.
Okay.
You're talking to an expert skier, like an Olympic skier, and saying would you like to try the double black?
What are you talking about?
That's all I do.
So I'm down with that.
You're talking about a nude beach?
No, no.
I'm talking about people, sometimes in Greece, because a lot of people live there with their parents, because we're poor.
And people go to... They don't have where to go have sex with their girlfriend.
So they find spots around a beach or you know some places like that, mostly the beach or a nice view area, and they go have sex in the car.
So if you want to be a real creep, you can go creep on the window.
Yes!
I want to look in the window of a car where people are having sex.
I think that's a reasonable request.
How do you feel about Greek jail?
Well, exactly.
That was my next point.
If you want to get arrested, you can do that.
I might then move on to other kinds of sex.
It doesn't sound like a relaxing thing.
As long as there's sex, I'm okay.
Jail sex, car sex.
All right.
You know, I want to experience life.
The highs, the lows.
The catastrophe.
The whole catastrophe.
The whole catastrophe.
You know what?
I have a request of you, Stelios, which is I want...
I want you to make me a tape that I can play for myself when I'm trying to go to sleep.
Oh.
Which is Stelios just talking to me because you have such a soothing aura and voice, doesn't he?
Yeah.
I mean, just a voice.
It's like Conan, you know.
Conan.
Conan, listen.
Go to sleep.
Joe Pera has done this perfectly.
Who?
Joe Pera.
Oh, the comic Joe Pera.
Has it?
Yeah, has done this perfectly.
Has he?
Yeah.
Can you give Conan just a little good night message that we can use for him every night when we tuck him in here at the studio?
Because they're always trying to calm me down.
What if you just made a little thing very quickly that just calmed me down?
Yeah.
Sure.
If you want to see the face of a 37-year-old Greek man with a beard to calm you down at night and put you to bed, I'll do that for you.
Okay.
Start by just saying, Conan, it's me, Stelios, you know.
All right.
We're doing it now?
Yeah.
Why not?
All right.
Let's go.
Just quickly.
It'll be a quick one.
Hi, Conan.
It's Stelios, and I'm here to put you to bed.
Okay, now I'm really, I'm not going to sleep.
You're just turned on.
I'm completely turned on.
I mean, you are human Viagra, Stelios.
Wow.
I mean.
Okay.
Somebody get you a car at the beach.
Let's go.
The duvet just exploded on my bed.
Stelios, this isn't going to work.
Right.
Okay.
And I don't know.
I mean, Jesus.
You could read the Warren Report to me on the Kennedy assassination.
I'd be aroused.
Well, you would anyway.
That's the most compliments I've ever received by any man or woman in my life.
So thank you.
I'm very impressed with Stelios.
You are very, I think...
I think we're a very thoughtful person.
I get the sense that you are a world traveler, someone who is not just a citizen of Greece, but a citizen of the world, and that you've picked up a very mature philosophy of what this life means and how we shouldn't waste it.
Is that a fair assessment?
It is, yeah.
I've had a lot of things happening in my life, from serious disease to traveling around the world for 10, 15 years, 10 unstoppably 50 countries.
I've met a lot of people in the streets.
They've hosted me in their homes.
I've seen goodness in the world, actually.
And I have to say this since we're talking now and people are going to watch us.
Most of people in the world are good and nice people.
Yes.
For real.
I've experienced this. day after day, night after night, everywhere in the world.
People put me up, gave me food, gave me shelter, and I just met them.
So most people in the world are good.
That is what I have also found is that, and because, for some reason, as humans, we're drawn to the negative, We have a media that feeds us the negative.
The negative seems to sell, sadly.
That is the view we get.
Obviously, there are governments and systems and hierarchies that can turn evil.
But I do think many more people are good than are bad in their heart.
And so I found the same thing.
Absolutely.
So I would very much, I think we're like-minded.
I would like to go.
I've never been to Athens.
Please do.
I'd like to go to Athens have coffee, go find the old men, go find the bad music.
But then I want to hit a sex club.
I'm going to take you there though.
Yeah.
And I want to see some really freaky shit.
No, I'm not joking.
As long as they have coffee.
I drink more coffee at a strip club than anyone you've ever seen.
And I'm just I spend most of my time just urinating in the bathroom.
I miss all the good stuff.
They're like, oh, seven people just oiled up and attacked an ostrich nude.
And it was the most erotic thing.
And I'm like, well, I was in the bathroom peeing for 40 minutes.
But that's what happens.
But Stelios, I do admire your sense of calm.
And I think I am a firm believer that travel is magical.
And I think the fact that you've traveled for 10 years gave you a perspective on life that is invaluable.
Exactly.
It's the best education anybody can ever get.
Perspective.
Yeah.
Travel.
See the world.
See what's out there.
And it's very hard to, as the famous saying, it's hard to hate up close.
Just see people.
Go see people and spend time with them.
Exactly.
I don't know if we're wrapping up, but I do want to tell you something.
I do want to actually sincerely thank you from one human being to the other, because from your comedy and I watch you regularly I've had, first of all, a lot of laughs and you actually helped a lot of times that I was feeling down and and so on.
Whenever I'm actually in a bad mood and so on, I do put the podcast on and I put the intros and the outros, not the interviews, to see you guys chat and your bits on the spot are amazing.
You have an incredible mind and I have to give you this.
So thank you for your work and your service.
Oh, thank you so much.
I love hearing that.
Uh, it's the only, I would say it's the only reason I do it.
I think I do it because I it's just I can't not do it, but I'm really happy when I can uh make someone feel a little better.
So, um, thank you so much for saying that.
That means a lot to me.
And I think we gotta, we gotta take this thing to the next level.
Stelios.
Sex club.
Yeah.
Come over, man.
Second base.
First the old men and the coffee.
But Stelios, thank you so much and have a great day.
Really nice to meet you guys.
Nice to meet you, Conan.
Enjoy, be safe and free.
Conan O'Brien needs a fan.
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