These are my personal opinions.
Always seek a professional when you're making choices about your mental health and wellbeing.
We're going to talk about one of my favorite categories of questions, which is resolving a dispute.
The dispute that is going on today is in a relationship.
A lot of them are.
99% of the questions I get are about relationships.
It's not always romantic relationships.
Sometimes it's family.
Sometimes it's friendship.
Sometimes it's work.
I love getting these kinds of questions actually.
So if you ever have a dispute that needs settled, i'm not saying i'll give you the right answer.
I'm saying i'll give you the way i would handle it.
That's the best way to describe what uh, or at least how i think through these things, the way i would handle it.
So if you've been listening a while and you trust what i have to say, or at least have some trust And what I have to say, then it might be a direction for you.
So if you have a dispute going on, a disagreement where you're both, you know, your arms are crossed and well, I'm right.
No, I'm right.
And then you just can't get to a common ground on it.
You can't get to a solution.
Let me know.
I have a contact form.
It's actually at the overwhelmedbraincom, but you can also go to moretobcom and you'll see at the bottom it says ask a question.
So either website is fine i have a few out there that you can find my love and abuse website and other places, but uh, that's where you would ask me a question about a dispute or a disagreement.
I love getting those.
So i just wanted to let you know that i was thinking about this last night after i got this question a few days ago, And it begins hi Paul, my partner and I are struggling and I wanted to see if you'd weigh in.
And as soon as I saw those words if you'd weigh in made me realize how much i love these types of questions, because it's a um, it's something that you're working on in yourself and possibly with somebody else, like there's a disagreement, a dispute that you're working on in yourself and you've tried.
And i'm not saying that people have who have written to me haven't tried.
Sometimes it's just they can't figure out the answer.
They have no idea how to move forward.
Some things in life are so challenging And you may not have any reference on how to deal with something that comes your way.
And so you reach out to someone who might have the experience.
Not that I've experienced everything that can happen in life, but I've worked with a lot of people and I've helped them through their stuff.
And the way I think might help you think.
And so that's why I continue doing this show, because if you can't think of a solution or a way forward, I want to help you.
Try to do that.
And so here we are with this message.
I'm just going to move forward with this message and see where we go.
My partner and I are struggling and I wanted to see if you'd weigh in.
My partner of X number of years, I try to leave out some details to keep their privacy.
We started in a poly relationship.
And now we're monogamous.
When we met, he had been dating someone for several years who was married.
They broke up about a month after and he and I started dating and we became monogamous.
He was always upfront that he wanted to try to be friends with her.
And for a long time, I was very supportive of that.
But then I began to feel uncomfortable when it became clear to me that she wasn't over him and wanted to get him back.
She lashed out at him and even sent me messages and doesn't respect boundaries.
After the lashing out, he asked her to go no contact.
Recently something tragic happened in his family and she reached out asking to meet up and have some coffee.
I suspect because he's in a vulnerable place.
I told him that having her in our lives makes me feel unsafe.
He allows her to break boundaries and has their entire relationship.
And I do feel like there's something he's not seeing and he's still desiring a friendship.
He even says he doesn't disagree with her.
I'm not sure on what disagree with something.
Not sure what that means.
My partner is a sovereign man and he said he won't have coffee with her right now if it makes me feel unsafe.
But it bothers him because he can't make that choice himself.
I recently told him that I've had enough of the back and forth with his pursuit of this friendship.
It stresses me out and I don't want to continue prolonging it.
Please weigh in and feel free to respond if you have questions.
Thank you for sharing that.
And I'm sorry, you're going through this struggle.
So I do have probably a short answer.
Every time I say that it turns into something long, but I'll do my best.
I have an answer for you, or at least the way I see it and what I would do.
So let's just say that I'm him.
I'm that guy.
I'm the person that you're talking about.
And I had a relationship for a month with this woman and I was in a poly relationship, something I really can't relate to.
So I can't necessarily relate on that level, but you became monogamous with him.
And now it's not about polyamory.
It's not about necessarily romantic relationships in general.
It's about trust.
And so here I am coming out of a relationship and I really appreciated my friendship with this woman, but I didn't want a romantic relationship with her.
But I do like the friendship.
But it turns out that maybe she's still pursuing me.
She still wants a relationship with me.
And I know it.
So here I am really liking her company, really like talking to her about certain things and she's a friend and I don't want a relationship with her, but she wants a relationship with me.
First of all, I'm going to be clear.
You know this is me talking to her.
I'm going to be clear that I don't want a relationship with her, but I appreciate our friendship.
I've had relationships with women.
I mean, this isn't me talking now, my personal life.
I've had relationships with women who they've wanted more and I didn't.
I was in a relationship and that relationship wasn't going to end and I wasn't going to step out of my relationship.
I was a loyal partner and person and I've had women that were more interested and they expressed that interest and I said that's very sweet.
I'm flattered, but you know, I'm in a relationship and I'm happy.
And so our friendship never went beyond that, even though they wanted more and I didn't.
So we are capable some men are capable of having friendships with women and putting that boundary out there and being okay that they're interested and we are not.
I'm not saying that to this person who wrote necessarily.
I'm just saying that in general in case anyone needed to hear it.
And I know some people have had a lot of bad experiences with this, so I might be triggering you and I apologize about that, because there are people that you should be triggered about because they're not always loyal.
But a loyal, trusting man or anyone, a loyal, trusting person will not pursue someone who is pursuing them unless they're ready to break it off with the person they're with or they're not enjoying the relationship, or they're not committed or they're a liar or whatever.
But if they're a liar or ready to betray, then they're not a trusting person.
This is where I go with things like this.
So first of all, when I experienced this, I was, I'm going to speak for myself here.
It's going to sound a little egotistical, but I was a trusting person.
You could trust me not to cheat on you if we were in a relationship.
And so when somebody did come on to me and it's happened not often, I say that with disappointment, but it's true
I have not had too many people come on to me, but when it happened, when it happened in the past, I was always in a relationship.
Anytime somebody came on to me, I was already in a relationship.
Must be the way I show up.
I don't know.
But those were the times where there could have been something had I not been a trusting person.
And so I look at my relationships in the past and realize, hey, I'm not going to cheat.
I'm not going to step out.
It's really nice that somebody quote, comes on to me or is attracted to me and they express it in some way.
But this is where I stand and this is where I am.
And I'm OK with that.
And hey, we can still be friends, but I'm not going to pursue it any further because I was a trusting person.
I like to think I still am.
And that is how I've operated since.
And it has kept a lot of dysfunction out of my life, which is nice.
Kept a lot of those hidden things that we carry around that we don't want other people to find out.
And I don't have to worry about that, which is nice.
And so my life is a lot easier if I am loyal and committed and trusting.
And so I see this as a trust issue.
It's a trust issue.
You either trust the person that you're with or you don't.
And now the person who wrote is saying yeah, but Paul, she's trying to take advantage of his vulnerability and he's not prioritizing our relationship and making a stand for us.
Oh, I totally get that.
I'm not saying that you're not allowed to have your feelings and emotions and thoughts about his choice of relationships with other people.
You can certainly have those and you can certainly feel what you're feeling.
I have.
You know my wife has, or at least had a few relationships a couple with other guys that she has either been very close to or has been very close to.
So I have had to reconcile those thoughts in my mind when we met, and it took me a while to figure out.
Oh wait, she is choosing to be with me every day.
She is choosing to commit to us, to have a committed relationship with me, regardless of who is outside our little two-person circle.
And if I trust her, then someone like that who wants to be very close to her again which has happened I have to trust that she will make the right decision, for not only herself, but for us.
I have to trust that she will make the right choice.
And what i'm hearing in this message at least one part of it, and again, this isn't to put you down for this, but what i'm hearing is i don't trust him to make the right decision for us, and let me extend that comment Because he should have his focus on us and only us.
And he should also prioritize me and the way I feel and want to not want to see her.
That's what I'm also hearing in this.
I want him to want to not see her. that's what i'm interpreting in this message or maybe it's just crystal clear and i forgot what i read but i want him to want to say to me i don't want to see her if it makes you uncomfortable I think that's what this person is saying is that I want him to say, I don't want to see this other woman because it makes you uncomfortable.
And if it makes you uncomfortable, it makes me uncomfortable.
And your comfort is all that matters to me, because that is a relationship from the past, so my priority is you and your happiness, and if that makes you unhappy, i'm cutting out of my life completely.
That's what.
This is my belief.
That's what she wants him to say, and if that's what she wants him to say, she may be disappointed because he is telling her i should be able to make my choice about who i see, Because I'm not stepping out in the relationship.
I've already committed to a monogamous relationship with you.
And yes, even though this person is in my past and yes, she still wants me, I'm not going to do anything with her because I know me, i trust my own decisions and i need you to trust my decisions as well, even though my decisions are putting you in the uncomfortable spot that i'll be having coffee or whatever with someone that wants to have more with me.
So I want to be able to.
You know, this is the guy talking.
I want to be able to make my decisions and not have someone else make them for me.
Because if I, here's the thing, here's the next part of this.
Because if I make a decision that you want, that I haven't come to a conclusion about myself.
I will build resentment towards you.
And this is where it leads.
If this person wants to make a decision, which we all do, we all want to make our own decisions.
I don't want somebody else telling me, like if my wife said I don't want you to go see that girl that you met many, many years ago, that would make me uncomfortable if you did.
If she said that to me, I would say, why would it make you uncomfortable?
That would be my question.
Why would it make you uncomfortable?
Let's talk about this.
And if she said well, she's attractive and I think that she might like you, and didn't you guys date once.
And what if I said well yeah, we dated a long time ago, but we still get along, and we, I mean, we would have a conversation about it.
And that conversation would go somewhere until I realized what the heart of the matter was.
Because if the heart of the matter was, it makes me uncomfortable.
The question I would have for my wife is, why does it make you uncomfortable?
Because she would have to answer that.
Well, it makes me uncomfortable because what if she still wants you?
And what if that's true?
Let's just say that was true.
We'll put a parallel scenario here.
The woman I'm going to see still wants me.
She wants to be very close.
She wants to be very close to me.
And I'm in a relationship with my wife.
I'm happily married.
And that's just not going to happen.
So even if she tries to come on heavily...
I'm going to be okay because I'm going to say, no, no, that's not going to happen.
It's just not going to happen.
And then I'm going to say, if she comes on more heavily, I'm going to say, look, you got to stop.
I'm going to have my boundaries.
I'm going to have my relationship boundaries because I care about those as well.
And I'm going to care about what my wife would think if she were here with us and she saw this unfolding.
I'm going to have all those cares.
And I also want to believe that my wife will trust me enough to ward off any advances.
And so that's where I am inside my head.
If, in this made-up scenario, my wife got uncomfortable, which is why I would ask, why does it make you uncomfortable?
Because I want her to say the words.
What are those words?
First she might say, she might try coming on to you.
And then I would ask the question, so what if she does?
What are you worried about?
Because I really want my wife to speak up, express herself, tell me her fears.
I want the truth of what's really going on down there.
I want to get to the heart of the matter.
And she might say, well, I don't want her coming on to you.
What if she really comes on strongly?
And especially now that you're going through this difficult time.
I'm expanding on the parallel scenario because this guy is going through a difficult time and his ex or his friend or whoever he considers her, is reaching out to have coffee and he is going through a difficult time and the person who wrote to me thinks that, because he's in this vulnerable space, that he might be, I guess, more susceptible to her advances.
So let's just say that I, or my intention, was to see this woman that I once dated and I was in a vulnerable space.
So my wife is now answering these questions and Well, you're in a vulnerable space and if she tries to put these moves on you, it might affect you.
I mean, this is what I would imagine the insecurities in my wife are making her say this.
Well, I'm worried because you're in this vulnerable space, and I'm waiting for my wife to say it.
I'm waiting for her to say...
What if you are attracted to her and you suddenly feel compelled to want to reconnect with her and become very close?
That's what I'd be waiting for my wife to say.
So I could finally say oh, so you're worried that I'm going to cheat on you, even though I promised to be with you and not cheat on you because we're monogamous.
You're worried that I might do these things with this woman.
Is that the real fear?
And again, this is a made-up scenario.
And I'm not saying it's truly parallel with what's going on in this other person's life or in this situation.
But I am putting this out there and laying out all of these kind of outlining thoughts and commentary or meta-commentary about what people might be thinking or feeling.
On his end, he wants to be able to make decisions that he feels are right for him.
And even though it makes this person who wrote uncomfortable, he still feels like he should be able to make that decision himself without feeling that resentment that can crop up from not being able to make his own decisions from a place of being trusted.
Because it's a trust issue.
Because if she fully trusted him, then that old partner can walk around in the room naked and trying to grab onto him and hold him and all sorts of things.
But because she trusts him, she knows that he's going to say you need to back off because I'm in a relationship.
I can't do this.
I can't do this.
Put your clothes back on.
That is an exaggerated scenario, but if you lay it out like that, then a trusted person will be trusted in any situation you have.
Now, this doesn't mean that she doesn't trust him.
She might be yelling through her speakers or her earphones right now saying, Paul, I do trust him.
I just don't want her around him because why?
Because she'll take up his time?
Because he's sharing an emotional connection with another woman?
And all of these are coming up for you as very likely trust issues or insecurity issues fears, jealousy or any other insecurity or fear that you might have inside you that are causing you to think this way and feel this way.
I'm not saying that you're wrong for feeling those things.
Maybe you have been betrayed in the past.
Maybe this person has betrayed you.
I don't know.
But if there is a trust issue, that's the issue that needs addressing.
Because if you don't trust him to be in a room with somebody who takes their clothes off and trust him enough to say whoa, I can't do this.
I'm leaving or whoa, put your clothes back on.
I'm not going to talk to you like this.
If you can't trust him to do that, then the trust has not built up enough for you to feel comfortable with him making his own decisions for himself.
So there's that part of it.
The other part is if you have jealousy, if you have insecurity and you tell me that you do trust him, just not with a person that is untrustworthy, then you know I still go back to you can't trust him to make the right choice.
Even though you have an insecurity that she might come on too strong.
Even though that you feel like she's not a good friend for him because she still is attracted to him.
And by them spending time together, you feel it takes quality time away from the both of you.
That could be what's happening here as well.
But whatever it is inside of you, It is inside of you.
Whatever it is inside of you, that needs to come out for you to address.
I know it sounds like I'm saying, hey, this is a you problem, not a him problem.
I'm not saying that.
I'm saying that you do have an issue with this that you need to address in yourself.
And he also has to consider what it means to have friendships that make you uncomfortable.
So I'm not putting this on you.
I'm not putting it on him.
I'm saying there's a shared responsibility here where you probably take the brunt of that shared responsibility, because in many ways he's right.
I should be able to make my own decisions without somebody telling me what decisions to make, because and I'm putting words in his mouth I should feel trusted by my partner.
I should feel like my partner will be okay with me visiting an ex and my ex comes on to me and my partner knows that I'm not going to fall for it because I'm committed.
Because if you don't trust him to be committed to the relationship and to you, then there's a bigger problem here.
Because this will come up again, whether with an ex or somebody else, because other people will probably be attracted to him.
Other people will probably come on to him and he might be alone.
He might be on a business trip in a hotel room and he sees somebody that's attracted him.
And is the trust there or not?
Because if it's not, then this is not the only person where this issue will come up.
And if this isn't the only person, it will become an issue later, which is why it kind of comes back to you to deal with whatever's coming up for you in yourself.
Now, again, his responsibility is to consider what is best for the relationship.
That doesn't mean he shouldn't go see this person because even you said, hey, you know what?
I'll go no contact if it makes you feel comfortable.
But it makes me feel uncomfortable that I don't get to make that choice.
It's a very good answer.
It really is.
It makes me feel uncomfortable that I don't get to make the choice to see or not see that person.
Here's the scary part about all this.
Let's just say that you have an insecurity or a fear and let's just say that you feel justified in having it because you have feelings and thoughts about this woman and she shouldn't be in his life.
But here we are and she's in his life in some ways, because they're still communicating and stuff.
And you want her to go away or you want him to say no.
And he feels just the slightest bit of someone controlling his, what did you say?
He is a sovereign man.
So he feels like someone else is making decisions for him, even if that's 1% in there.
Here's the scary thing that happens when we convey our insecurities and our fears to someone that we want to change their choices in life or push them or guide them in a direction that we want them to go.
Here's what happens is that even if there's a 1 bit of resentment in there inside of that person, even if they feel like you know this is best for the relationship.
But I wish I had made my own choice in this.
And so I feel a little bit resentful, but I'm happy.
Otherwise that 1 can turn into.
You know, the last time I made a choice for myself is And my partner didn't like it.
That didn't feel very good.
So this next choice I'm going to make, maybe I just won't tell my partner.
And we don't want that.
We don't want that to happen.
But that's what happens is that when we have a fear or insecurity and we try to change the direction of a person that we care about, we try to change their choice.
Even if we do it with the best of intentions and we have some good evidence that it's not a good idea.
But we try to guide them in the way that we want them to go, instead of the way that they choose to go.
What ends up happening is there's a 1, there's a little seed inside of them that said well, this isn't the way I wanted it, because I would rather make my own choice.
And because I couldn't make my own choice this time.
Maybe next time I won't share as much with my partner or I won't tell them who I'm talking to.
Not only that, this is one part of it.
This is like half of it.
The other half is that other people in their life that don't have fears and insecurities will appear more attractive, even at the subconscious level.
Like I know, I shouldn't be talking to my ex and that's a good thing for this relationship that I'm in.
But my ex never has these fears and insecurities and my ex never tells me what to do or what to think, or how to think or who to choose to see.
And I really enjoy talking to my ex a little bit more because my ex makes me feel free to be myself.
And because of that, suddenly other people look more attractive.
Again, even at the subconscious level, because we make ourselves look a bit more unattractive, we become a little bit more repelling.
And please don't take that personally.
I've done this.
I've done all these things.
I'm telling you, I've been jealous.
I've been the type of person who changes or wants the other person not to see their ex or not to talk to any guys.
I didn't want my previous partners to talk to any guys not my current partners but when I was younger I was very possessive and i didn't want them to talk to anyone.
That made me uncomfortable.
So i've been in that space and i've learned that when i try to point them in the right direction and i feel like i'm doing it for the greater good of the relationship and so that i'll feel better and that we'll be happier When I added any type of resistance to their choices or free will, what ended up happening every time was that they felt more compelled to be with the people that I didn't want them to be with, because they felt less attracted to me.
Because people don't like feeling controlled.
People don't like feeling like they don't or can't make their own choices, their own free will to do what they want.
So i learned uh, pretty much in my 20s.
I learned pretty early that being jealous and possessive was a bad idea, because it always pushed the people i loved away, and so i started to let it go.
I started to ask myself the question what would happen if i chose to say nothing or even encouraged friendships with people that made me feel uncomfortable, not like hey, you two go to the bahamas and have fun at the resort, nothing like that.
But uh, to the point where i said oh go, have a good time with your ex or your friend or whatever.
I didn't use those words, but you know what i mean.
I didn't resist it.
I um supported the decision that my partner wanted to make, because i had to start learning to trust that they would make the right decision at the right or even the wrong time.
I had to start trusting the people that I was with that they would make appropriate decisions that didn't jeopardize the relationship.
Not based on my insecurities, but based on what they wanted deep down.
Because when you're with somebody who wants you deep down, they'll want to keep that relationship and not screw it up.
And so if they go see an ex, you know, assuming this person is trusted, if this is a trustworthy person and you trust him 100, if he goes to see an ex, then no matter what this ex does or tries, you will feel comfortable knowing that he will have made the right decision for him and the both of you.
When you have a trustworthy partner, when you have someone that you feel comfortable enough to make the right decisions for themselves, for the both of you, even if there's something super compelling that you know will be a temptation for them.
The trust always wins.
Now, does this mean that everyone's trustworthy?
No, not everyone's trustworthy, but this is what you establish.
This is the foundation you establish in a relationship before any of this kind of stuff ever happens.
And this is why we need to work on ourselves and work on our insecurities and our fears, so that we aren't pushing our fears and insecurities onto others to make them do what we want them to do, so that we don't feel fear or insecurity.
And now let me give you a reprieve, the person who wrote, to all of this.
The reprieve is when you start showing 100% trust in someone who is trustworthy.
I'm very clear about that.
Like I said, not everyone is trustworthy.
But if you've established a foundation of trust and love and support and you have each other's back and you know they're going to be there for you, then anything that comes along will not interfere with what you've established, because you have a strong foundation.
And once that strong foundation is set and you keep nurturing the relationship with that strong foundation which usually takes a lot of transparency honesty, vulnerability and humbleness and, of course, having each other's back and supporting each other's paths to happiness, which means supporting the choices they make and they want to make for themselves all of that as long as all of that exists, then you have a pretty strong foundation where you can feel comfortable while your partner makes the choices that they're making for themselves, because you know that foundation is solid and you don't have to think that they're going to break or violate the boundaries of the relationship.
You don't have to think that because the foundation is solid.
So the foundation has to be solid first.
Foundation is also you.
You are the foundation of a two-person relationship.
I'll talk about monogamy, not polyamory, because that's more complicated if you have a lot of fears and insecurities and you're trying to deal with that.
But in a monogamous relationship The two people have to work on themselves and have a solid foundation in themselves so they can bring the best version of themselves into the relationship to form a solid foundation amongst themselves, or the foundation they build together, which is usually stronger and bigger and happier, and all that stuff.
That's why it's important to work on yourself and bring the best, most healthy version of yourself mentally healthy, emotionally healthy.
A lot of us can't do that.
I'm, I've been working on it for a good 25 years now and we do our best, right?
I'm not saying you have to be perfect.
I'm saying we do our best, but I'm giving you some very good information in this episode that will help your relationship.
When you know a person is trustworthy and you allow that trust to go with them wherever they go, then they will make choices for themselves and feel like they are being supported in those choices, even if they're uncomfortable.
And so when he makes his choices and he feels like wow, she didn't have any resistance to this and she's just told me to have a good time, i feel very good about that.
I can't wait to come home and see her.
And this is the final important component of all of this is that when you trust someone and you allow them to make the choices that they feel like making for themselves, and you aren't offering your resistance or your fears or your insecurities, what ends up happening is that the seed that you plant isn't resentment.
It's not that 1% seed of resentment.
It's a larger seed, a 50 or higher, maybe 100 seed of trust and love that shows that person.
Wow, I feel really good knowing that I can make my own choice because the person I'm with is supporting me 100.
And the seed that you've planted in moments like that make you even more attractive, so that other people aren't as attractive.
And what I mean by that is, let's just say that you say hey, go have a good time.
And then he does have a good time and you know, just by talking and friendship with this person that he used to be with, and she says i bet your partner was really mad that you came to see me.
And he says no uh, she was very supportive.
She said go have a good time.
So another component of all this is that guess who talks kindly and nicely and lovingly and tells other people how supportive and caring and trusting you are.
That is another component to all of this is that now, when he has a conversation with his ex, he won't be saying things like yeah, she didn't want me to come and see you.
Yeah, you know, she's really worried that i'm going.
I'm going to see my ex.
Imagine what his ex can say to those things.
I'm not saying his ex is a bad person.
I'm just saying that.
Imagine the setup that we give others if our fears and insecurities cause our partner to talk to someone else their ex for example and say things like yeah, my partner didn't want me to come here.
My partner says that she doesn't trust you.
Things like that.
That's a setup for the other person to say, she doesn't trust you.
I trust you 100%.
Why wouldn't she trust you?
Is she jealous?
I'm not jealous.
Guess how much better another person can look when our fears and insecurities cause us to guide people in a direction that we want to go, instead of allowing them to move in the direction that they want to go.
This is all i mean.
Everything i'm talking about is all part of a bigger play at work here, all the gears that i'm talking about that turn together, that create an outcome, that when we want to guide someone in the way that we want them to go, even if it's a tiny little seed, that 1 seed that we put in their brain that says you know, it's okay if you do that, but I'll be uncomfortable and I'll feel unsafe.
Even the most neutral or least negative comment that you can make, the least controlling comment that you can make, Because the bigger picture is that you do want to feel safe and you believe that your partner wants you to feel safe and you believe that they should want to want to make decisions that make you feel safe.
All of that.
By putting that seed in their brain, all these gears turn that create an outcome that you were trying to avoid in the first place.
And to put that more clearly what we fear that we push on to others will often bring the outcome that we fear happening.
Actually, that didn't clear it up as much as I thought it would.
But the point is when we are afraid of an outcome that we don't want to happen.
For example, your partner is meeting his ex and our fear is, or your fear is, that they're going to get together.
She's going to get to him at his most vulnerable and suddenly they're going to be in bed together and that's what we fear, and i'm not saying it would go that far.
But let's just say that he did have that seed of resentment, that he's being told what to do or feels what he's being told what to do.
If that fear is in there, then our decisions based on that fear will often manifest what we fear.
I talk about this a lot in um the healed being program that i run for emotionally abusive people who want to change What emotionally abusive people do.
And I'm not calling this person emotionally abusive at all, I'm just comparing the fear of an outcome.
So emotionally abusive people fear an outcome they don't want to happen.
And because they fear it so much, they have behaviors that come out in ways that cause the other person to end up doing what they fear.
It's very similar to my wife who, when she was a teenager, her dad became a strict disciplinarian.
And she didn't need to be disciplined she was actually a very good kid back then but the worse he became, the worse she decided to become, because she wasn't getting love, she wasn't getting support.
And so where do you find love and support if you're not getting it at home?
You seek it elsewhere.
And so she sought it elsewhere, from other people, or she got into trouble or she drank a lot, and there were a lot of things that she did that got her into trouble and did all the things that her father was demanding she never do.
But because she felt so oppressed from being able to make her own choices, she became the person that he didn't want her to be, And she had to heal from a lot of that stuff, because some of the things that she did were not healthy for her and it was unsafe.
So she had to go through her own processing and healing.
And I'm not trying to speak for her or tell you that she was mentally messed up or anything like that.
She just went through a lot and she knew she had to heal from her upbringing and her very restrictive dad.
He's a great guy, believe me.
She has had issues with him in the past, but now I think it's all patched up and they get along great.
So that's nice.
It's always nice.
So I am so glad that you joined me today.
I made this into what a 40 minute show.
So I guess that's a short answer for me.
Thanks for writing.
I hope this helps.
I may not have told you what you wanted to hear.
I may not have immediately sided with you and say well, the nerve of that guy, because I actually know how you feel.
I can relate to how this person feels.
Because I wouldn't want my wife going to see some guy who wants her.
I can think of someone right now.
I wouldn't want her to go see him.
But I know for a fact, especially with my wife.
I know for a fact if I said you know I really don't feel safe if you go see him.
I know if I said that, she might listen to me.
She might say, well, yeah, you might feel unsafe, but I'm going to go see him because, you know...
I want to have a conversation with him.
We haven't talked in a while.
I want to catch up.
And if I said, well, you know, it's not good for the relationship if you do that.
Ooh, that would not go over well.
She would say, what are you saying?
Suddenly I'm becoming her dad.
And I don't want that to happen to you.
The person who wrote, thank you for writing that.
Please be very aware and conscientious about this subject matter.
I'm not saying that he's 100 trustworthy and you should trust everything that he does, because I don't know him.
And if you feel like that you need to continue building trust with him, that's the issue.
And if you can't build trust with him, then the relationship may not have the strong foundation that you need in a relationship so that both of you can make decisions without having a fear that each other are making decisions that aren't right for the relationship as a whole.
It sounds like i mean, from what you described, it sounds like it could be a great relationship if this issue didn't exist.
Or maybe this issue exists in other ways with other people, and this is the person that's showing up now to bring that out, and that's why i was saying that perhaps that's something you want to look at inside yourself, because you don't want it coming up again.
Or if it's just this one person, then maybe it's time to see what he does eventually, Because here's the thing.
I'll give you one more thing.
I can't end this on that.
The one last thing is let's just say that he goes and has a great time.
And then he goes again and has a great time.
And then he's talking about her a lot.
And then suddenly the quality time that you and him have together, he's bringing her up.
And now you can't even emotionally connect with him because there he is bringing her up again and her story and her issues and her life in general.
And you just can't seem to stop talking about anything else but her.
That's when you have a real issue.
That's interfering with the quality of the relationship and it's taking time away from you and your connection.
And you may say, well, him going to see her is taking time away from me and my connection.
And I would actually ask you the question.
Okay, so if he was going to see his best friend from high school who was a guy and he wasn't attracted to, would that make a difference?
And if you said, well, yeah, because it's a guy and I don't have to worry about it.
Then what's happening here is that you are bringing this issue up.
That isn't really an issue, unless it's a girl, and that is something you want to address in yourself or address the trust that you have for him, because it's not there.
And if he deserves that trust, then that's something to follow through with.
But if he doesn't, then that's something that you might have to consider if this relationship is really something you want.
So that's where I go with this in my final words is that if this becomes an issue later where she's taking up more and more time, then that takes quality time away from you in the relationship.
And if he's not getting it then, then that's a problem.
You have to bring it up.
Hey, you know, this is affecting me at this level because now she's taking time away from us.
There's my final thoughts on that.
Thanks for writing and thanks for listening to another episode of this show.
What's it called?
The Overwhelmed Brain.
And I want to thank Paige and Ashley and Brad for their support in the patron program.
They value the show and they decided to give back and I am so grateful for that.
I value you.
Thank you so much for supporting the show.
And if you value the show and you want to give back, like these patrons did, head over to moretobcom, where there are options to do so over there.
And over there you'll also find the Ask a Question button where you can ask me to resolve a dispute, and I'll weigh in on what's going on in your life.
Head over to moretob.com for that.
And for a show on how to navigate the difficult relationship, like emotionally abusive relationship and controlling relationships.
Listen to my other podcast called Love and Abuse over at loveandabusecom.
We really pick things apart over here, but we get into the weeds over there.
That's over at loveandabuse.com.
And I talked about it before.
The Healed Being program is if you are the difficult one in a relationship and you are doing the controlling and manipulative and emotionally abusive behaviors, join the program.
That is helping a lot of people heal over at healedbeingcom and even saving relationships.
So if you have really messed things up, you might need that program.
At least sign up for the free lessons.
Go to healedbeing.com and you'll get the first four lessons for free.
And with that, always keep your mind open because that's how you make the best decisions.
And be firm in your decisions and actions so that you can create the life you want.
Always take steps to grow and evolve.
You are powerful beyond measure.
And above all, and this is something I absolutely know to be true about you, you are amazing.
