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Hi folks, welcome to our very special Valentine's Day episode of Dear Headspace.
I am so excited.
Today, I'm going to be answering your questions with my pal Rosie and oh, we have a
slew of questions and they are all about relationships.
We'll be talking about how to support a partner who processes things differently than yourself,
improving communications and marriage.
Oh, and we also have a question about how to forgive yourself after a breakup.
Buckle up.
The show starts now.
Have you ever wished you had a wise meditation teacher on speed dial?
Someone you can call after a long day.
Someone you could lean on for their advice.
To listen and help you to see things differently.
Welcome to Dear Headspace, a podcast where I sit with a meditation teacher and we answer
your questions.
Rosie, all right, here we are and we are getting into relationships today.
We are and on the special Valentine's Day episode, I'm so excited to be here with you.
Oh, me too.
I mean, listen, I can't wait to talk about love and all that comes with it.
So I'm just going to ask you this question.
Are you ready, Rosie?
I'm ready.
Okay.
All right, here is our first question from Danny.
Hi, I'm Danny from Philippines and I've been using Headspace since 2019.
My question is, how do I support my partner whose way of processing feelings and emotions
and other stuff that happens to her in life is to be by herself?
I process stuff by talking it out with people so we have a total opposite way of dealing
with things.
I want to be more present for her, but sometimes it can be frustrating, especially since we're
in a long distance relationship and communication is key in maintaining our relationship.
I understand that different people have different ways of processing things, so I just want
to know how to support her better when she needs time to process her emotions, sending
love and good energy to everyone.
Thank you.
Oh, that was so nice, Danny.
I feel like there's always one massive communicator and then one person who needs like some time.
Because that's my partnership.
Same.
Which one are you, Rosie?
I think I already know the answer.
I'm the over communicator.
Yes.
Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding.
I mean, really did we really need to say?
We did thought he was just like, guys, we know it's you two.
Yes.
Okay.
We are just like Danny, then Danny, we can absolutely relate to you.
What's interesting is that I really feel for the people that need space and that need,
right, that need time to process and to really think things through.
And I think that in my current relationship, it was very much that way in the beginning,
I would go into problem solving mode within seconds of an issue, right?
I wanted to talk about it.
I wanted to express my feelings.
I wanted to discuss a situation and Tori needed time to process and to go away into his
own space or walk away from something.
And for people that are, you know, the communicators, we like to put things out on the table.
We don't like to feel the discomfort in the silence.
We don't like to feel that it's comfort in the space because we feel like something could
go wrong.
I mean, that's really the, well, one of my therapists at one point said to me when I was having issues
giving my partner space, she would say to me, I think that this is a you thing.
She didn't say this is a you problem or this is a you issue.
She said very specifically, this is a very you thing.
And she says now what she says when I say that to you, you tell me the definition of that,
which I really love, right?
I really love when therapists might say, what do you think about this?
Right?
Because to me, when I think of it being a me thing, I think, okay, well, if there's a
problem that I want to solve, I want to solve it right away because I don't want it to
take up my time, energy and space because I don't want to feel like you're not seeing
me.
Yeah.
And like you don't love me or that you're going to leave, right?
Yeah.
Attachment.
What is it?
Abandonment issues.
Yeah.
And so that's what that meant to me.
And she says, okay, well, what happens in a situation where that is not the case and you're
absolutely being seen.
You're being heard.
You're being understood and you're not going to be left and you are being loved.
So how does that change your desire to communicate in that moment?
That's such a great, that's such a great approach to it.
Because at that point, it gives you the security of knowing, oh, if it's that way, then I feel,
yeah, like I can give my partner space.
Well, then you can get into compassion for what your partner needs versus you being in your
own junk.
Exactly.
And it feels more collaborative than one-sided.
If I'm able to express to my partner, hey, this is my way of solving problems.
I see that your way of solving problems or processing something is for you to take
space.
Yeah.
That's great.
I want to support you.
So I think that the best way for us to do this is you just have to communicate that to me.
Yeah.
I don't want to put words in my partner's mouth, but I just like to hear him say, hey,
listen, I know that you want to talk about this right now.
I need some space.
I would love for us to talk about this maybe at the end of the day or let's give it a couple
hours or maybe we could talk about this tomorrow or over the weekend.
Is that okay with you?
Yeah.
I love a by when.
That's really reasonable.
Yeah.
Because it gives the respect that both parties need when you're giving it a time stamp,
especially going back to Danny's specific situation.
They're in a long distance.
Yes.
Relationships.
So there's already the space and the distance, right?
One might think, well, how much more space and distance do you need?
But I think it's really important to recognize that different people problem solve differently
and that's okay.
And I think the key here, if you're a person that communicates and likes to solve things
right away, to express that to your partner and just say, hey, when you're needing space
like this, I think what would really help me is to know that you're still going to be
there in the day or a week.
Yeah.
It's interesting because I was just thinking about Danny and the fact that they're in this
long distance relationship and so the communication is even more important.
And I could see where that would lend itself a pressure of how are we going to make it
if we can't even communicate?
I don't want to put feelings on Danny.
But I think that it's probably even more important to sit down and just discuss some ground
rules.
And that might be mediated by a couple's therapists.
I don't know.
Rosie, every time we talk relationships, I feel like you and I both say the same thing,
which is just like a long-term relationship is a series of compromises.
Yeah.
Finding a way to meet in the middle or finding when it's like, no, this one's mine and
you get the next one.
You know, it's just because some things can't be compromised on.
Yeah.
But it is a series of like, how do I meet this person?
Where do I get to them?
Yeah.
Right.
And one thing that I want to say about compromise that I learned recently was before
I used to think a compromise means I have to sacrifice something or you have to sacrifice
something.
And that's not necessarily the way I look at it now.
You know, before it's like, oh, I'm giving something up, right?
We think of sacrifice.
We think of compromise.
We think of I have to give something up.
And instead, we have to look at compromise as we're both gaining something.
Like there is something that we're both gaining in this.
I'm losing your winning.
I'm gaining a better understanding of how you're perceiving something.
And it's giving you a different perspective to how I feel and what I'm bringing to the
table.
So I think that's also something to consider when you're thinking about compromise.
There's always going to be a compromise in a relationship where two different people
have two different styles of communication.
For sure.
This has to be one of the number one relationship issues is communication.
And I for one feel like that is that's one that's surmountable.
I know I am a better communicator with everyone in my life because I work on communication
with my wife.
So to me, it's like, if you've got to have a problem, this is one that's like, it's
going to serve you and it's going to serve your relationship.
It's going to serve all the people around you if you can get in there and do some of
the work.
So you're not alone, Danny.
Yeah, I agree with everything Robyn said, Danny.
And I think it's also important for you to really take those opportunities to take stock
on what you're really wanting and how you feel.
And to really get to a place where you feel or find the value in the relationship, it
just allows you to have a deeper appreciation for your partner when you're able to figure
these issues out.
Absolutely.
And good luck, Danny.
Keep us posted.
Okay, so let's take our next question from Aliza.
Dear S.Pay, my name is Aliza and I live in Italy.
My question is this, I am struggling with a better communication in the marriage.
And I would like to know how to manage kindness and a better communication and reactions
and anger that can come with arguments in a marriage and in relationship.
Thank you.
Listen, Rosie, I feel like you might have to go first on this one, signed your angry
co-host, Robyn.
I was hoping you were going to take this one.
This is going from two people who know exactly what Aliza is feeling right now.
So okay, first, what I understand, the question Aliza is asking, how can I be less reactive?
And how can I have better communication?
So I can absolutely relate to this struggle because it's very difficult to not be reactive,
especially if you've been married for a long time or if you've been in a relationship
for a long time because we feel that our partner should know better.
And they should be able to read our minds.
They should be able to know where the turns are and where the signals are and where the
buttons are.
They should just know better.
And when they don't, we blow up and we have this epic grand reaction.
As you can, Rosie, because it's a person who's with you, been with you, staying with you
likely.
Do you know what's interesting?
One of my teachers one time told me that because I asked this question, I asked, why is
it that my partner who loves me the most always gets the worst version of me.
And also the best version of me, but also very often the worst version of me.
And he said, because you know that he won't leave.
Yep.
I had a nurse practitioner say that to us with our first kid.
My daughter was being like insane.
She was like, I don't know, six months old or something, you know, in some like teething
or whatever.
And we were just like, she's just not like that with other people.
And the doctor said, that means that she feels safe.
That means that she feels love that she is able to kind of like let her real feelings
out.
And I was like, maybe she could love us a little less.
But you know what I mean?
It's like it's there is a safety there.
But it's like I said, but there is a sadness of that I allow it, you know, to take the
person for granted.
Because that is underneath it, I think sometimes.
I feel like there are three main things that are helpful guideposts for all of us when
we are in a situation just to bring the mindfulness back into it, right?
How do we mindfully address being reactive?
So the first thing is to identify what your triggers are.
So what are those things that are going to happen?
Whether it's your partner not putting the dishes inside the sink.
Here we go.
Or you know, leaving the door open or not closing the drawers, you know, leaving your flip
flops right on my side of the bed.
So when I wake up in the middle of the night and I have to go to the bathroom, I flip
over, you know, I like trip over them.
That kind of thing, you know, just for example, just for example, just random, totally
random, not never happened to my life ever.
So when you can identify what those trigger points are for you, then you're more aware,
you're more conscious of them.
And even voicing and identifying these to your partners, for example, hey, when you leave
your flip flops right next to my bed, right next to my side of the bed, when I get up,
I trip and it makes me very upset because I'm half asleep and I can barely stand on two
legs, you know.
So I think that that's a really helpful sort of thing to communicate to your partner.
And I think knowing what your triggers are the second I would say is to just assess
what your energy levels are.
For example, if I'm really tired, if I'm really depleted, if I've been having a really
stressful time at work or if I'm a parent and it's been a particularly eventful time,
you might be on a shorter fuse, right?
You might have less energy to assess a reaction.
You might just go from zero to a hundred because you don't have the bandwidth to energetically
even take a breath.
And I understand that, right?
Really identifying, okay, where am I at?
Am I not getting enough sleep?
Am I feeling extra tired?
Did somebody else really upset me?
And now I'm going to take it out on another person.
So really allowing yourself to identify your energy levels, assess where you are, how
you're feeling, what sort of things you've been inputting into yourself.
I'm saying with food, I'm saying with things you're consuming, what you're watching on
TV, what you're watching on your social media feed, what you're listening to, all of those
things are going to influence how energized we are or not.
So something to be aware of a lot.
And I would say the third thing would be, for me, it's been really helpful to have like
a script, right?
So to have a rehearsed vernacular during the moment I feel reactive.
For example, hey, I'm feeling very agitated today, particularly agitated.
I just want to let you know.
So I apologize in advance, but I also just want to let you know that I'm energetically
depleted right now.
And so I need some space or yeah, just so you're aware.
Because at that point, it diffuses the energy.
It's sort of intensity that we want our other person to pick up on because that's what
we do, right?
We, especially after being together for a long time, we expect our partner to be a psychic,
right?
Like how do you not see that I'm irritated, right?
How do you not see that I'm having a day?
You need to pick up on that, right?
I don't use speculation in my relationship anymore.
I used to, I don't anymore.
So I'm a big fan of a rehearsed script or something that I can just say for my part
and her to know, okay, you're having a day.
Like today, there was a thing that happened and right before I left the house, I said,
just so you know, I'm feeling a little extra overwhelmed today.
So when I get home, I'm, I'm just going to want to relax because I know when I get home,
it's always, we got to, you know, play with the dogs, we got to do this, we got to do
that.
I've got to go to the grocery store and make dinner.
Like there's a whole slew of things and yeah, my communication was that of, I'm not going
to do that today, or at least I don't think I'm going to want to.
If I decide to show up that when I get there and I want to do it, that's fine.
But just to be able to give that communication, I think is really important.
I think one of the things that happens for me sometimes is like 100% know I'm being
an absolute piece of, you know, X, Y and Z.
And I will be so amped for whatever reason, whether it's, whether it's righteousness or
whether it's just like exhaustion and I'll be, I'll struggle to let it go.
How like the other tips for, you know, like, like I need someone, I need a reset button
that someone can come over and push on me and be like, when I feel that intensity, I've
been doing this for so long now that I can, I can use this as a practice.
What I do is I put, you can do it with me.
You can put your hand on your heart.
I just take a moment and I just say, oh, honey, you're really upset.
Wow.
Do you see?
Yeah.
And to me, it's like, you're just, all of a sudden, you turn into a child, right?
And you just want to cry because you say, oh, yes, like, I am upset.
Yeah, I am upset.
I am.
And this made me really angry.
And I'm very mad.
And I'm mad and I want to, I want to hit somebody.
And I want to lash out.
I want to lash out and I feel like I want to throw things around and I want to make a big
noise to let people know that I'm upset.
But when you just take a moment and it takes seconds to do that, to acknowledge your feelings,
you diffuse that intensity because you've just acknowledged, you've named it, right?
It's like a circuit breaker.
That short practice is your opportunity to be intimate with yourself to really allow
yourself to acknowledge your feelings because sometimes that reactivity is coming from a
place of not being seen, right?
Yeah.
You're not seeing me.
So I'm going to blow up and this is my way of showing you that I'm upset because I,
I can't express it any other way.
So that's just a little insight to why understanding our triggers are important.
Yeah.
Well, Alisa, we wish you all the luck in the world and hand on heart.
They're going to be great.
Yeah.
All right.
We'll be right back.
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Hi, I'm Emily.
My name is Emily.
I'm 25 and I'm from the UK.
My ex broke up with me three months ago because he no longer feels the same way and it's
been a really challenging time.
Headspace and meditation have been really helpful in particular the courses healing after
a breakup and acceptance.
But I'm finding it difficult to let go.
One of the things that I'm struggling with is wishing I'd done things differently,
like standing up for myself more when my ex let me down or not making certain mistakes.
How do I forgive myself for the way I handled those situations and accept our relationship
for what it was rather than what I think or wish it could have been?
Oh, Emily.
So many people rinse and repeat, rinse and repeat mistakes, especially in the relationship
categories.
You know, it's to hear you say, I want to look at this for what worked and for what
didn't, and I want to forgive myself like to me, you're in the most wonderful place because
as you do this work that opens the door for some other person or for yourself to show
up and to just really love yourself and to step into a relationship that's, I don't
know, maybe happier or more supportive or, you know, I just think that's, it's a great
place to be in the beginning of this.
I, yes, but still hard.
I do have to say that though, but still really hard.
Yes.
And thank you for sharing your heart and thank you for being here and you really came
to the best place.
We just, this is such a supportive community and I love all of the teachers here in Robin
and we've all had experiences where our heart was broken.
Maybe it was in a romantic relationship.
Maybe it was in a friendship or maybe it was a family member, but we've all had the
unfortunate experience.
Actually, it's not really unfortunate.
Is it?
No, I don't think it is unfortunate because every bad relationship I had was one step toward
meeting Mary and Mary did not show up until I fully let go of all of the things that I
did wrong and until I fully loved myself.
That's when she showed up and then I still had a lot more work to do, hence answers to
question two and one, but, but she showed up because the door was open enough because
of the work.
Yeah, I love that, Robin.
And I think that's really beautifully said with regard to the work that happens during
a breakup, right?
Like the things that we need to do in order for us to feel whole.
One of the things that you said at Emily that really stood out to me was this sort of question
of how do I let this go?
How do I move on?
Because it seems as though you're, it's only been three months.
It's not been very long. You didn't share how long you were in the relationship.
And either way, whether it was longer short, breakups are always difficult and letting go
is always hard.
And I think it's inevitable for us to reflect on what went wrong and what we could have
done differently or how we should have voiced things or changed things or showed up differently.
But hindsight is always going to be 2020.
We're always going to look back and see how we could have or should have.
And I think the important thing for you to do is to focus on moving forward.
And I think sometimes it's difficult to let go because we feel like, depending on the
time that you spent in the relationship, there's, I'll use economic terms.
There's a little bit of a sunk cost.
We feel like we've invested so much time and energy into something and it not pan out.
We tend to have a lot of feelings of anger, regret, sadness.
And we're trying to grapple with all of those.
And so the mind creates a narrative of, oh, if you would have done this different, you
wouldn't have had this sunk cost.
Which is not, maybe it's true, maybe it's not, but it's not the reality.
The reality is you're not with this person anymore.
And so the practice now, and you said it.
So beautifully at the beginning, you said that these practices, meditation, mindfulness
is really helping you.
And the reason why it's so beneficial when you are going through something really difficult
is because it's putting you back into the present moment.
It's putting you into the present so that you can do steps one and two.
I'm going to say of this podcast.
The earlier conversations are very sort of, I think that they relate to this very much,
but going to what Robin said and she said that she had a lot, she did a lot of work on
herself.
And when she finally loved herself and focused on herself, then she met her person.
So the other thing is I want to say that I have a situation right now with a friend of
mine who is doing a lot of this work and is really wanting to bring a person into her
life.
But then if that becomes all of your focus, then you're losing the opportunity to focus
on yourself for yourself.
I'm focusing on my own self growth, self development, self love because I want to meet somebody.
It's like the meeting somebody will be in spite of all the stuff that you're doing, right?
It'll be a sort of a bonus.
Like a side benefit.
Yeah, like a side, it's your side hustle.
You know, it's like this is something that happens because you've already done all of
this work and going back to the letting go piece.
Yeah, it's never easy to let go.
One of the practices that I really love to do, Emily, and I hope that you do this practice
because it's one that I've found really helpful.
I've had pretty sad breakups with people that really meant a lot to me in my life that
it was heartbreaking to think because we always again think of the sunk cost.
Like I spent so much time or whatever.
So what I would do is I would make a list or write a letter to the person that you're
not going to give to them.
You can if you want to, but mostly this is for you of saying all of the things that you
gained from this experience.
And for me, a lot of it was, well, I learned what not to do.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Or I learned how to be more aware because we don't want our heart to close.
That's the instinct.
We want to protect ourselves.
We want to not have the heartbreak happen again and so we tend to only think about the
sunk cost and only think about how to protect ourselves from future heartbreak.
Instead, thinking about the positives and thinking about what happened that was good,
what you learned from and sort of thanking that person for the experience because everybody
in our life is a teacher.
We're constantly learning.
We have constant teachers in our lives that are teaching us, training us how to be in
the world.
And so you can just write this letter or or list to just reflect on whenever you feel
that sadness or you feel irritated or you feel some type of way.
And, you know, I personally, I'm a big fan of burning things in a very safe contained
environment space, you don't want to just start burning.
I'm like, I have a big pot belly fireplace in my backyard and I do, you know, like these
burn rituals where I write something and I release it.
You know, it's my woo self kind of comes in.
But I like to just sort of have the experience of I'm letting this go, you know, just putting
it into the fire and seeing it sort of dissolve into ashes.
It sort of gives us this finality to something that we need.
We as humans, we need that because think about how hard that is, especially when you love
somebody, like this head game that happens in our mind when we're so we love somebody.
We think that this is our person and then all of a sudden they're not.
So you're mourning.
You're also grieving.
You're grieving the loss of somebody that you thought was going to be with you for a
long time.
Yeah.
So I think that doing this, this letter writing process is really helpful to sort of process
those feelings and to help in the letting go process.
I don't know.
Like I go back to my initial thought with Emily.
I, I, I, one I just, I'm so like again, like, and I, I've said this a million times in
this podcast, I'm just struck with like the openness of which people come in with their
questions.
And I just struck it, like how far along people are in their process.
And I think sometimes they don't even recognize it.
To me, the understanding that Emily's shown, that Danny's shown, Aliza's shown in today's
episode, they all know where they are.
And that's the beginning of the process.
Like that's, that's just like half the battle when I can, when I can see it, then I can
do something about it.
Yeah.
I think that that's part of our journey to self love.
It's, it's an opportunity for us to get closer to who we are at our core and closer
to the people in a wholehearted way.
Yeah.
Well, Emily, we wish you all the luck in the world and, and we're just sending love to
help you heal the broken heart.
It's just, it's not easy.
It's not easy, but you're doing great.
You were doing great.
All right.
Thank you, Emily.
Oh, Rosie, I mean, what I have to say to you is one, that was super fun.
And I think it might have made me, it might have made me a better partner.
I mean, it might have, I don't know what we, we have to see.
Maybe I'll check in on a future episode.
No, I just like, it probably didn't.
And Tori's listening to this like, hmm, wish you could practice what you preach.
That's the thing.
We're all trying.
We're all, you know, trying to reset and start again.
That's it.
Everyone's just trying.
Yeah.
One of my favorite meditations in the app is a meditation called Your Worthy of Love.
And I really feel like after today's conversation, it would be really great for us to all go
listen to it.
It's only 10 minutes and it is something that will really make you feel loved and connected.
If we were doing this live and in person, I'd make us all do it with our guests after,
but we're not.
So, so after you, after you're done listening, just everybody go do it.
That's what I say.
We're all in this together.
And all right, I do want to, I want to take a moment to say thank you to Danny and Alisa
and Emily for just, for sharing your questions with such honesty.
And if you happen to be listening to us right now and you've got a question and it can
be out anything, it doesn't have to be about love, but anything.
It's time to send that question to us.
That's what I'm saying.
So just head over to say hi dot chat slash to your headspace and that link is of course
in the show notes.
And if we use your question in the show, you're going to get three months of headspace for
free.
Yay.
I love that.
And one last thing before we go, we've built in a moment or two so you can transition
before you head into the next thing in your day.
This is some time to reflect on what you just experienced and settle your mind.
So here are some sounds of a chorus of animals at a fort in India.
As you listen, let your mind do whatever it wants to do.
Until next time, stay happy, stay healthy and be kind to each other.
Bye.
Bye.
Bye.
Bye.
Bye.
Bye.
Dear Headspace is a Headspace Studios original podcast.
It's produced by Robin Hopkins, Ash Jones and Scott Sorenson.
It's executive produced by Morgan Celser, Sarah Cohn, Baron Farmer and Danny Christamy.
Our production coordinator is Taylor Jennings Brown.
It's hosted and produced by Robin Hopkins, Kessanga Giscombay, Dorah Kamau, Samantha
Snowden, Eve Lewis Prieto and Rosie Acosta.
Post production is by Dan Crowell, Music is by Scott Sorenson and Chris Mergia and a special
thanks to Colleen Lutz.
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