Hi, welcome back to eat your crust podcast.
I'm jisoo, i'm crystal, i'm jane and i'm cindy.
Alright, we have an interesting Gen Z word today.
The word is kind of originating from gaming actually, but I have noticed recently that it's being used more in like TikTok or just outside of gaming, slash Twitch community.
But i've also noticed that like, maybe a lot of young kids are on twitch and or like watching streams lately, because i think a lot of these newer slang words are coming from streams and just like the interesting meme culture of twitch.
So the word that we're going to discuss today is bot like robot, bot Like B-O-T.
Yes, B-O-T.
This word is used to describe someone as dumb, basically.
It's almost like calling someone an NPC, because in a lot of games they kind of put you through a simple tutorial game where you play against literal AI bots.
So this is kind of where the word originates from, because these AI bots are not meant to be very good.
So sometimes people just call each other bots.
Oh, you're so bad.
You're playing like a bot would.
I remember when I was first learning to play League in high school, there were definitely those AI bots that are built into the game.
But I think there's also people who bought their normal accounts or something like that.
So then...
Sometimes you would see someone play and then their character would literally just run into the enemy nexus and just like immediately die.
And then all the comments would be like, okay, this guy's a bot or something.
So then, this word reminds me of those days where you would just see people do like completely nonsensical things in games.
Low key, sometimes I feel like you see that shit in real life too.
Sometimes people are just bots and you're like, why are you acting like this?
Okay, but this makes me think of the smart bots.
I feel like there's a scale.
In chess, there's chess bots that people can't beat.
So are you a dumb bot or a smart bot?
Intermediate or advanced bot?
It's like, are you NPC or bot?
I think that's where we can classify it.
So NPC is worse?
No, I think bots are probably worse.
Sometimes how I think of it is like a bot doesn't have a real brain.
So that's kind of the insult behind it.
Like, oh, you don't have a human brain.
Because at least NPCs, they have like the phrases, right?
Where they say like, oh, do you want an apple?
That's true.
Like NPCs at least have personalities.
True, true.
But bots don't.
Yeah, I think this is a very versatile word, actually.
I can see a lot of applications of this in real life.
And it's interesting to me because there's also a Gen Z slang word that I've been seeing on TikTok, which is bop.
And I think that one's also negative.
And that one is probably.
It means a little bit more like this person is promiscuous, or like this person has sexual intentions, or something like that.
But the words are so similar.
So every time I read it, I'm like, okay, is this bop or bot?
And then I have to sort it.
Wait, like B-O-P?
Yeah, B-O-P.
Oh wait, doesn't that mean a sick ass song in our?
That's exactly what came into mind.
Your millennial is showing now it means something bad.
That's crazy.
How can it even mean that?
I actually have no idea, but i see it and it always makes me frown a little bit because I didn't like when people were called certain words when we were growing up.
And now I feel like the Gen Z kids are going through their own iteration of it.
So I would much prefer bot than bop, although both are negative.
Dude, if some Gen Z person called me a bop, I would be like, wow, thanks.
That sounds like such a good thing.
Yeah, like you're a bop.
Yeah, it's like a compliment.
You'll be like thanks, i am a sick ass.
Oh my god, you know what?
I also found out last night that kids are saying so one of the words that we had on the podcast last year was eight like if you did something really well, then like you ate.
So sometimes kids say what's four plus four?
I've seen that on instagram comments.
That's just like four plus four.
So that means like sick or no.
It kind of means, like, you did so well.
Like, you aced it, kind of.
Yeah.
Oh my god, I downed so well.
I can't.
Does that mean it's sick?
Does that mean it's hella dope?
No, it's a 4 plus 4.
Do they do stuff, like, if it's, like, just below 8, it's, like, that's 7?
You almost ate.
She was so close.
She was, you're so close, oh my god.
But it was really funny because when i first saw that four plus four, i was like eight out of ten like, and then i was like oh, eight.
I see, I feel like those moments are so humbling, when I see something and I have to like Google it.
I'm like, oh my god, I'm so old.
Hey, but at least we can keep up just barely, but we're keeping up.
That's true.
Now we know what bop means.
And bop.
Well, through our Gen Z slang section, you may already find that these voices sound familiar to you.
So both Jane and Cindy have been on the podcast before, and Jane has joined us on episode 168 where she talks about her master's in arts education and how that funneled her into the world of consulting.
And Cindy joined us back in episode 194, where we dove deep into group chat dynamics.
We're actually super excited for this topic today because one it was a topic that our listener asked us to cover.
And two, I feel like it's just one of those topics where there's so much ambiguity in the term.
So I'm excited to have both Jane and Cindy on today to talk about situationships.
Very excited because I love girl talk.
Yeah, it's been a while since we've done our last girl talk.
So very excited to get into this one.
Let's kick this off by diving into the meaning behind the term.
So what is a situationship to you?
And how is it different from the terms dating or a fling or an FWB?
I thought about this and I think it's hard to have like a clear definition.
But the way I think about it, if you had more than three dates with someone, but it's not official, so the situation shifts because just a few the first few days, because then you're like you don't really care about this person, but then as it goes to like three, because I've never had just three days, it's always like one or two or like three plus.
So I think at that point it becomes a situationship.
I think yeah, I agree, it's kind of like a no commitment romantic relationship.
So you're basically dating, but there's no labels, there's not really any next steps, because I feel like maybe the conversation haven't got there yet and you're basically kind of like in a limbo.
I guess.
Not a relationship, but not dating either.
So maybe it's like the step before you become exclusive.
Yes.
Depends.
Depends if you get there.
Do you think you can be in an exclusive situationship?
I think so, but it really depends on if you guys are on the same page about stuff.
Yeah, my first thought was yes, and then I thought about it again.
I was like, I don't know.
That's how much of a limbo it is in a situationship.
You don't know.
Yeah, I think, because in my mind I've pictured situationships as just the more confused you are, the more likely you're probably in a situationship.
There's just not a lot of things being defined.
I actually agree with that, because my personal theory behind this word is I feel like there's a certain connotation to the word situationship.
Because I do believe that you can go on multiple dates with people or a specific person and you guys could just be like casually dating.
But I feel like, with specifically the term situationship, it almost feels like one long term thing, maybe slightly more long term and to somewhere where you purposely don't define it.
So it's not like, oh, we haven't defined it yet.
It's more like we're not defining it for a specific reason.
So do you guys think this kind of tracks with what you're thinking, or do you feel like it's less negative for you?
Well, it's definitely not defined.
It's like the pre what are we conversation because no one says like, what are we?
Oh, we're a situation.
Fair.
You have to decide.
So it's the pre, but it could be kind of like what you were saying.
Maybe people are purposely avoiding that conversation, or it's like that conversation hasn't happened yet.
But I've also heard like people who are in six or seven month situationships.
And I feel like at that point, it's like you guys should talk about it.
Maybe they're just both non-confrontational.
Yeah. true i think i have a friend they were like in a year-long thing i was like wait no wait are you dating or no you're not oh that's a real situation ship for sure you know what maybe a situation ship is just a fling that has gone on for too long like an expired fling expired I could see that because one of the terms that I floated in the like definition was FWB.
And I feel like FWB is a little bit more defined.
It's just the benefits basically.
But I feel like a situationship is similar as a fling, where you're like seeing each other consistently but it's still up in the air on what exactly you are.
You know what?
I think I have a theory that you can change a FWV into a situationship, but only on your side if you catch feelings.
Oh, yeah.
Not a mutual.
It could be mutual, but it's like a situationship for you because you don't know what to do next.
Oh, I see.
I see.
Yeah, that could happen.
Maybe situationship is more one person versus like two person, if that makes sense, like it's a situationship for you because you don't know where you stand because you haven't talked to the other person.
Or maybe like it's a situationship for the other person because they don't know where they stand because, like you two haven't talked.
Wait, then wouldn't it still be situationship for both?
I guess, like yes, technically.
But I think if you are on the end, where you're like, oh no, like to me, this is just say, like friends with benefits or something.
But then the other person is like, you know, they've caught feelings.
They're like, oh, my God, what do I do?
This is a situation now, kind of.
I think there are times where people will be like oh, I like you, but I'm not ready for us to be in a relationship.
So then it becomes a situation shift.
Where you're like, oh, okay, I guess we'll just stay.
It's like, I like what we have now, you know?
Yeah.
It's like one of those situations.
And then that's why it's like a situationship.
True.
I've had friends that were really devastated after like a situationship breakup.
Sometimes even more so than the relationship breakup.
I wonder why that is.
Because I guess logically you would think, oh, relationships usually tend to be longer.
It's more official.
Maybe you've meshed more into each other's lives, etc etc.
But I have also heard similar things like that where the situationship ending can be a little bit more brutal or, I guess specifically, it can be harder to recover from.
So what is it about a situationship that's maybe sometimes harder to let go or like get over?
I would assume it's like, even if it's short, it could be really intense.
So that could be a reason why it's harder, because it can be like a short but very intense type of relationship.
Maybe because it's so intense, it doesn't really work out as a relationship either.
I think maybe it's also the untapped potential because you never reached a relationship.
Yeah, you kind of get caught on the what if, oh, what if it could have worked, stuff like that.
But then with a real relationship, you already go through everything.
So by the end of it you're like oh, of course it's not working out, because we tried it and it didn't work out.
Versus a situationship, there's a we didn't really try it.
So now I'm going back and forth wondering, oh, should I have tried or not?
And then it becomes more, I guess, devastating as what people would say.
Like the unknowing aspect.
And I think to Jane's point, it's probably a little toxic too, because you don't.
You know like you're constantly confused, maybe anxiety ridden, thinking about what's going to happen, or like what to do next.
So then the highs are highs and the lows are low.
Yeah, I think I keep going back to what Cindy described earlier, where she said that situationships can sometimes feel like you're in limbo.
Because relationships have clearly defined expectations.
It's like you're expected to talk through these things with your SO and you're expected to work on things together and have healthy communication.
But realistically, in a situationship, you're not really expected to do any of those things, even if it feels like you should.
So then I feel like maybe, if you're constantly wavering back and forth, or if the other person isn't fulfilling certain needs that you would expect from someone who's say an, SO I feel like that would leave me with way more questions than answers when something ends.
Mm-hmm.
Yeah, that's probably why, honestly, most situationships are probably toxic and unhealthy.
The limbo, the non-communication.
Dude, the non-communication.
Okay, I have a theory.
You know K-dramas before the happy ending there's always the build-up, and then they break up before really being together, and then they get back together and everything's happy.
That beginning part, that first arc, is all just situationship.
Dude, true.
It's potentially like a slow burn, but a toxic slow burn.
Yeah.
You're like, why don't you two just talk to each other?
So like, are all relationships at some point in the beginning situationships?
See, to me, I wouldn't classify it like that.
And maybe this is just because I'm drawing from just my personal experiences, right?
But I feel like I would almost classify a situationship as there's no progress.
You're like stuck in no man's land where it's not going forward and it's not going backwards.
But if you're talking to someone and it's not yet defined but there's still forward moving progress, you feel like after a couple months we'll probably be in a different spot, or something like that then I would still classify that as like dating and not necessarily a situationship, because you're not stuck in a situation.
No, I agree.
Because I feel like in a situationship there's no trajectory where you go from like dating and exclusive and then being finally in a relationship.
You're just stuck in this like situation aka becomes a situationship.
Yeah, I think I can agree with that too.
I think the main factor is that someone has to avoid answering questions, and then things quickly turn into a situationship.
It only takes one.
I wonder if we ask guys the same question, if they would define it the same way.
Ooh.
Yeah, I can totally see guys having a different perspective about this.
Because, the way I see situationships, there's something preventing it from being a real relationship.
I think like Crystal said, communication that's blocked on one side would definitely be a factor.
But is there anything else you think that can sometimes block a situationship from funneling into a relationship?
Commitment issues.
Wait, does that mean if you're in a situationship that's doomed to fail?
Or are there ways to get out of that bucket?
Okay, maybe if you can get out of the friend zone, maybe you can get out of the situation zone.
That's true.
Never lose hope.
So what would be those things, maybe?
Communicating what you want from the beginning.
Because then if you're also confused, then of course it becomes a confusing situation.
But if you're like oh, I do want a relationship, then in the beginning you should just be upfront about it and be like oh, I would want to see this become a relationship.
And then if the guy is not about it, then you should leave.
Because he's not going to meet your needs.
Yeah, save that mental energy.
Exactly.
I feel like another thing that comes to mind is pride.
And I feel like I can kind of go like many different ways.
One is if someone is so prideful that they don't want to be the one to be like.
Oh, I actually really like you.
I want this to become bigger.
Or the other way could be, like if you are know, really into this guy, maybe investing a lot into him, but you're giving up part of yourself to like continue to stay in the situationship.
I feel like there's different sides of the pride spectrum that can kind of feed into the situationship continuing.
I also wonder if like, people make that decision quickly this person is a situationship relationship, or this person is dating oh, maybe it's.
If they can't make that decision quickly, like i still don't know if this person yeah, like if this person is relationship material, or if i'm ready for a relationship okay, maybe if, like you personally feel like it's wrong timing or something that could prevent a relationship too and then cause a situation ship.
I agree, timing is also a big factor, I feel like timing and compatibility, and also if you're like on the same life path, it's hard to get all of it to work out sometimes and then it just becomes a situationship if you don't really see a future too.
Oh, my god, do you guys know the show slash book, slash movie?
One day yes no okay well, I think one day is a situationship yes, a very long.
The gist of the story is these two best friends, they kind of develop feelings for each other, but then they only see each other like one day every year or something.
Oh yeah, that's a situationship.
It's like a 10 year one right, or like yeah, like something super long.
So is it kind of like they're probably like really compatible, they like each other, but then timing wise it just doesn't make sense.
Yeah.
And then they kind of like see other people in between, because you know they don't really see each other all that often and they never like define their relationship and they don't really tell each other either.
Throughout many points, they kind of just like sweep it under the rug.
They're like, well, this is my life now.
Yeah.
It reminds me of the movie Before Sunrise.
Do you know that one?
I have not watched it, but I've heard of it.
These two people meet while traveling and they like have this awesome date together, but then they're just traveling.
So they like meet for like 24 hours and then they go to their respective homes and then they meet again like 10 years later in a different film.
Oh, wow.
Wait, what?
In a different film?
So the first, it's like a three film series.
Oh, okay.
The first movie is about their first time meeting.
And then I think they filmed the next one like five, ten years later, like their second time meeting.
And then a couple years later, the third time.
Oh my god.
So they're like actually older.
Whoa.
That's like a right person, wrong time situation.
Do we believe in that?
I think maybe for the most situations, i think it's overcomable, but i think there's definitely moments where maybe it really is kind of just like wrong time.
Yeah, i feel like i don't really believe in it, because if the saying is right person, wrong time, but then why would it be the right?
They can't be the right person if it's the wrong time.
Yeah yeah exactly, exactly.
I guess I kind of feel like there's probably a handful of people who are like right enough.
You know what I mean?
Like they're right, but like just enough.
And then there's probably like the person who's actually like really right.
Maybe not just one person, but less people than the right enough people.
I see.
Jesus is playing a game of probability.
Like 90% right versus a 95% right.
No, I agree.
That makes sense.
Because there's probably a right person for every time, right?
Oh my god, true.
I like that.
That actually makes sense.
As we kind of discuss these things, though...
I am kind of changing my mind a little bit on what situationship means, because I think we talked a lot about like, some of the negative aspects of a situationship.
But it does kind of feel like something can only really qualify as a situationship versus a fling.
If there's some sort of more potential there.
So whether it's the right person, wrong time.
Or maybe your expectations just don't align, but it's like slightly more serious than a fling.
So I'm curious on what you guys think are like the pros and cons of a situationship versus a real relationship or versus something more casual like a fling.
So many layers.
Is there a pro to a situationship?
No.
Yeah, I'm going to say no.
You know what?
Maybe if you're in the driver's seat.
I feel like it's just confusing overall.
And I'd rather have something casual or something serious.
So it's like, you know what one or the other is.
Versus something that is both equally casual and serious.
It's hard to...
Cause I feel like in a relationship, you see this person as someone you like and potentially could be a life partner.
I feel like at our age, I think that's how it goes.
Once you start seeing someone and it becoming more serious and you're bound to think like Oh, what could this potential be?
And could it lead to something more?
But then if you're consistently like stuck in like a confusing aspect, then you're like your brain literally like just racks back and forth between is this serious or is this not?
And then why waste all that emotional capacity on that when you could be just dating someone who is on the same page as you, true?
Well, I feel like there's like a pro to everything.
So if I were to think of a pro of a situationship, it's like even those confusing moments could be good learning lessons, where you can like learn about yourself and like, almost like a trial relationship where there's less pressure or you're like this isn't going to last.
Let's try something new here.
So maybe the pro comes later.
The pros are the lessons.
Yeah, the lessons learned.
I don't need any more lessons.
Sounds like a relationship boot camp or something.
I know.
How many lessons before we meet the one?
How many lessons before we know how to communicate properly?
You can be like, oh, this is how this person doesn't communicate.
You're like, I should avoid this in the future.
Like, wow, this thing really upset me.
That's the pro.
You learn more about what upsets you.
Yeah, you're like, this doesn't work with me.
You're like, you know what?
Situation shifts are not for me.
That's true.
That's the real lesson.
That's the real lesson.
Okay, low-key, though, if I were to think of a specific pro...
I can kind of see situationships being like very fun and I can totally get how it's like emotionally intensive and, you know, laborious in a sense on like how much you have to like pour into the situationship.
But I feel like there's a certain halo effect to not getting resolution and to like not having sort of the answers to everything.
I feel like it could be very stimulating, which maybe in the long run is not good, but I feel like in the short term it can be very intensely passionate and fun.
Yeah, like in the moment, maybe like it can be fun like a short and sweet before it goes downhill.
So you gotta do it while you're young, while you have energy.
That's true, oh wait, do old people have situations?
Oh my god.
Good questions, Oh my God.
Okay.
Question.
Like, if you're in the middle of a divorce, is that a situationship?
Wait, like with your wife and husband?
I feel like that would just be like you're in the middle of a divorce.
Not that you're in a situationship.
Because it's quite defined.
Like oh, that's my divorces, but they're taking a long time to sign the papers, like you know, in the movies oh like, will they, or will they not sign it?
No, i think at that point they're just your ex.
Yeah, i'm starting to think crystal doesn't know what a situation.
But but in that moment maybe you can date someone and like oh, yeah.
And then you can have a situation yeah, while you're getting divorced yeah, Yeah.
And going back, now that we went fast forward in time, if we were to go back like, what do the young people do?
I mean, I feel like situationships in high school are so common, right?
Like maybe I'm just drawing from all of my situationships in high school, but I feel like high school is the perfect breeding ground because no one fucking knows how to date.
No one knows how to communicate.
You barely know how to talk to someone of the opposite gender.
I feel like everything is very exciting.
And also there's no real reason to commit to a relationship that early.
So then I feel like a lot of dating in high school is very like situationshippy.
I agree.
I feel like all of high school and middle school dating is very situationship because, like you can date someone for a week and then they'll be like bye.
But don't they call it like they just have a boyfriend for a week?
Like it's not.
I guess.
Yeah, but I feel like it wouldn't really classify as a boyfriend, because all you do is like he he ha, ha.
I think like.
When a lot of people, they're like, oh, I don't even count that.
Yeah, exactly.
Maybe that's like hindsight.
You're like, oh, that was a situationship.
But in the moment, as a young child.
Yeah, you're like, that was my boyfriend.
That was the love of my life.
I think there was probably like one time in high school that would actually qualify as like a real situationship for me, where we truly weren't boyfriend girlfriend, but it was kind of like what are we slash tbd on the ttr kind of situation.
I feel like what i found very weird about it was, even though a situationship isn't a real relationship, i felt like we started to go through like a real, like a legitimate breakup and i was kind of like how come It's something that isn't that formal or serious or official, seeming
But the end, you still have to make it like official.
True.
I feel like there are like breakups to situationships.
Like there's like an ending.
I guess because you're essentially explaining why you're cutting them off.
Or like why you can't be in a relationship.
Yeah, yeah.
Because I think you can't really just go back to being friends.
Let's say, if you did start out as friends in high school, but since there was a romantic aspect involved, then it's really hard to just like, oh yeah, we're friends again.
Buddy, hey buddy.
Is there a timeline for how long or short it can be?
I don't think so.
But I do think that there's this whole thing on TikTok where it's a three-month rule.
I do think we should follow that.
When something starts and then three months after is when people start showing you their true colors.
Because people are usually the best they can be in the beginning.
And then in that three months is when you figure it out.
If this is the person you want to be with.
And if they're showing you the best or worst colors.
That's true.
I feel like the three month mark is when people have that conversation.
Like, what are we?
Yeah.
Do you think there are maybe like unspoken rules in a situationship?
Are there certain things you're allowed to expect?
Or is it just like you can't expect anything?
I think if there was like some communication of what you expected, then I think It's okay to expect these things, but I don't think you should expect anything in a situation because I feel like it's not like an actual committed relationship where you have security and like a sense of that person's going to be there for a while.
So basically all fair game.
I would say if they were to like, do stuff that you wouldn't be able to get mad because essentially you're not in a relationship.
Yeah, I feel like you can't expect to know them outside of just, like, your guys' relationship.
Like you shouldn't expect to meet their friends, or like you know, outside of that relationship, what they do.
But in a relationship like you expect to kind of like meet their friends, family and like get to know them outside of even the relationship context.
Ooh, okay, how about this?
Do you think in a situationship you have the right to be jealous?
Yes, i think you personally have a right to be jealous, but if you did not communicate in wanting it to be exclusive or them like not dating other people while you guys are together, then i don't think you have the right.
If you haven't communicated that, or you don't have the right to get like upset at them, I guess you could still have boundaries in a situation, right?
Yeah, of course.
Damn.
I feel like these things that you can't expect from a situationship, feel like it would be so hard to not expect those things.
You know what I mean?
I know theoretically like, oh, it's just a situationship.
It's not a real relationship.
Therefore X, Y and Z.
But then I feel like, if I were to be in that situation, like I would still feel all of these things, and maybe it would turn into like resentment about why we are this way, or even like self-loathing, in a sense of like oh, this person seems fine, but like, how come I'm so emotionally invested dude, that's why I feel like 99 of them become toxic.
Yeah, that's so true.
Because of that, you know yeah, no one's really communicating, so no one's getting their needs met.
So Okay, I have a question.
Have any of you experienced a situationship where it actually successfully exited situationship and like maybe kind of went into relationship?
I want to say yes.
Yes.
Yes, sir.
It's too many yeses.
I think it might be a no. some denial in there I think I think so too because I think like I don't a lot of the times like when I'm single and I'm dating like I don't go into the mindset of like I'm gonna find my life partner I kind of go in the mindset of like oh if I like this person I'll see them again and also I feel like it gets to a point where you have to talk about oh I think I'm starting to like you we're doing a lot of basically relationship be things and where do you see yourself going from this and then eventually I feel like either it's a yes or no so yeah and then after that talk that like evolves into a real relationship yeah exactly so basically you two were able to communicate and that helped you get out of the situation yeah that's key hell yeah if you can't make that leap then it just ends there Do you think, so if you are the person who is developing feelings for the other person in a situationship, and you muster up the courage to have that convo, right?
Like, oh, I think I like you beyond what the situationship is.
Do you think you also have to brace yourself in case that person says no, to go into like a full breakup?
Maybe it's like you have to prepare yourself, remind yourself what your boundaries are.
Yeah, I think it depends on whether or not you're looking for a relationship out of him.
That's why you're saying like, hey, I like you.
I want a DTR versus, hey, I like you.
And that's it.
Like, is it a personal deal breaker?
Yeah, depends on what you want, essentially, from that relationship.
I can totally imagine someone confessing and then the other person's like, oh, like, I don't know.
Yeah, I can't really give you an answer on, you know, like labels and stuff.
And the original person is just like, okay.
The situation continues.
No, I feel like it usually goes along the lines like oh, I like you too, but I don't know if I'm ready for a relationship.
Usually they like you back, but they're not ready to like make the leap.
Yeah, and then you're just stuck back in the situationship.
Yeah, exactly.
You're like, sounds good.
You're trying to recall out of the hole, but no, they pull you right back into it.
You're like, should we circle back next month?
Yeah, exactly.
I'm just visualizing this.
I'm just like, can I get out of the hole one day and push them back in?
They're like, lol.
No.
Like dirt.
No.
I do want to circle back to your guys's like success stories of converting a situationship into a real relationship, because I think what we were talking about before kind of classify situationships as like 90 toxic.
So for these success stories, would you say that that situationship, part of that relationship, was toxic, or would you think it was like the 10?
Like it truly was just a healthy situationship that eventually evolved.
If it doesn't evolve into a relationship, then it just becomes toxic.
So like up to a point, it can be okay.
Because I think that's the confusing aspect.
It becomes like the toxic part of it.
Because then no one's getting their needs met.
And you're in this limbo.
There's no trajectory.
And you don't know what the future lies, basically.
So it's like a circle of toxicity, I feel like.
Do you think that in a situationship maybe more of the toxic situationships you have to compromise and yield more?
Or do you think that the compromises and stuff happen more in a relationship where you are expected to be a good partner?
Not that you can't be a good partner in a situation.
Honestly though, it could be a mutually beneficial situation where maybe you don't want a relationship and that person doesn't want it either, and you guys can both happily avoid that conversation.
Yeah, that's true.
It's like the movie To All the Boys I've Loved Before.
Their relationship started off from a contract.
Where I love all these like movie examples.
I know chris was pulling all the movie examples for us, but yeah, i feel like that is an example of something where you're both actually benefiting, so i guess that's kind of a pro.
If it's like okay, that would be a pro.
You're both low-key, just on the same page about being in a situationship, so it's like a good thing for a certain amount of time.
I think the only thing though, is that most of the time, even if it starts out that way, like one person might catch feelings, and then that's when it can become toxic.
Right, right.
It's like a friends with benefits and someone catches feelings and then you're like, oh no, this is not what we discussed.
Yeah.
You're like, I thought we were alive.
Yeah, like, are we not alive here?
What happened?
I guess though, in a situationship technically, both parties do already have feelings, in order to like be in the whole situationship.
But I guess it's, like, when someone starts wanting more, right?
Right when there's like differing expectations on either what you currently are with this person or what the future holds for you both as a pair.
I feel like it's an interesting question in my mind, because if you have different expectations from your situationship, then you would probably have to compromise a little bit or maybe yield your feelings or hold back your feelings so that the situationship can continue, if that's the path that you're choosing.
But I also feel like in a relationship, there's a ton of compromising.
You are compromising on your schedules and on your preferences to make that relationship continue to work and be healthy.
So then, I can almost see situationships as allowing you to be more independent, or like empowering you to be more independent than in the actual relationship.
Dude, I just had a flashback.
Oh my God.
Of like a situationship I had.
And I remember we were talking a lot and then he was like wait, this kind of feels like a real relationship, but in a bad way.
The way he said it.
And I was like oh, I should step back a bit.
That's crazy to say in a bad way.
Well, he didn't say in a bad way, but like I felt like in a bad way, oh okay okay, okay.
Can you imagine he was like but in a bad way, get out, what the hell I feel like.
The other thing too, is like In a relationship.
If I have something that I want to bring up that I feel like is not positive or healthy, then I kind of have some sort of trust of like okay, my SO will want to work on this and work through this with me.
But in a situation ship, I feel like there's no guarantee.
There's no insurance.
It's like if I bring this up, I may not see this man for the rest of my life.
You know what I mean?
I feel like there's like some level of risk there.
So then I can also see that maybe being more problematic or causing you to kind of hold back like oh, is this worth having, you know, like a very serious conversation.
Because if not, then I'll just table it for later.
Yeah, I feel like it's just too ambiguous for you to be like confrontational about your feelings at the moment.
You kind of second guess yourself.
You're like, oh, should I bring it up?
Should I not?
And then you usually probably don't end up bringing it up.
That's true.
Because at that point, it's not us.
It's me and you.
It's very separate.
Exactly.
I wonder, are there cultural differences in situationships?
Is it different in America versus Korea?
Or even West Coast, East Coast?
No dude, probably probably like slight differences.
Dude, i think there's more situationships in big cities oh, 100.
I think this is because there's like too many options.
So you're just like i want to keep my options open.
Yeah, like think of la and like new york, the dating there is, so it's very fast paced, yeah.
And then suburbs it's like we're about to get married yeah yeah, actually.
Oh, my god, that's so true, that's true.
You like skip the situation.
So you're like i don't have time for this.
Yeah, where's the ring at?
We're either dating or we're not.
Like get it together.
Like what else?
Your lane, yeah.
And then the big city everyone's like yeah, i'm not sure there's like five other like dates lined up in the day.
I want to drive here and here Kind of thinking of like city versus suburb thing with the whole situationship.
Maybe another factor to situationships is like possibility of other options.
One or both parties in the situationship aren't ready to let go of other possibilities yet.
So then it ends up being like a situationship.
You're, like, hedging your bets, essentially.
Like, I don't want to put all my eggs in this basket.
True.
You're, like, trying out different relationships.
Multiple situationships.
Dude, I don't understand it, though, because I feel like that's so tiring.
Me going on, like, two dates, I'm like, I'm done.
I'm exhausted.
Okay, but actually like if you're going into dating kind of with the more mindset of like oh, I'm just dating for fun.
Do you think that also causes more situationships?
Yeah, if you're not like dating, to like meet your life partner or like to get married, etc etc.
I think
It does.
That's not your plan, right?
You're not really thinking for the future.
You're just thinking for the now.
I think that's totally fine.
But then maybe you meet someone who is thinking of something in the future.
Then it's just not aligned and it becomes like a messy situationship.
I have like a random hypothetical, but I'm very curious to know what everyone's answers are.
So say, you're in a situationship with someone and you don't want it to end, but that person is actively dating other people and they're open about it.
Like he's like, oh, I really like you, but I'm also dating other people.
But you still like first and foremost, really like this person.
So would you match their energy and go out and date other people or would you end the situationship?
I guess the third option is you tell them like hey, I think this is a deal breaker, or can you stop seeing other people?
I don't think I would go date other people unless I knew I had the mental capacity to do that.
That's such a crystal answer.
I'm tired.
Yeah, multiple people.
I don't think I'm petty enough to be like let me just use the rest of my strength to go date as many people just to piss off this guy.
But like, maybe I would assess the situation.
You know if I'm like OK, I can just like keep it casual for a while and see how that goes.
I probably wouldn't mind that too much.
But if I was like, oh no, like this has to be a relationship, then I would probably draw a boundary.
I feel like if they were like super upfront about it in the beginning, like say like oh, I like you, but I'm also like seeing other people, then I would be like
I think that is actually very, very good, because at least you're transparent about what you're doing, what else you're doing, and you're not lying to the person you're seeing or hiding withholding information.
So I feel like then that creates a whole distrust and then it becomes like a messy situationship, right?
But if they're upfront about it in the beginning I feel like I think personally, I would already probably be seeing other people too if he had told me that, because then then we're like oh, we're both openly seeing other people, we're all kind of both on the same page.
And then I feel like if I end up liking him a lot more than maybe I would be like, oh hey, I think I really like you and I see a relationship with you, I don't know if I can continue seeing you if you're seeing other people and draw that boundary, Because then it gets messy.
You start feeling jealous and like all of that other feelings, right?
I had a situationship where it was similar, a little bit different.
We both liked each other.
I think we were both still kind of dating other people too.
But then at one point he was like, I really like you.
I wish like you would stop seeing other people.
But then he didn't say he would stop seeing other people.
What?
So I was like, no, it can't be one-sided.
That's crazy.
Yeah, which is very crazy.
So I'm like, either we both stop seeing other people or we both continue to date.
Yeah.
That's respectful.
So we both just continue to date.
And that's a quality baby.
I love that.
I love that.
Yeah, I was like, why is it just me?
Yeah, girl power, that's a win for us.
True, true.
Yeah, I like you so much, like, I want you to stop seeing others, but not me, though.
I'm gonna keep seeing other people, though.
That's more like, I like myself so much that I want you to stop seeing other people.
True.
Oh my god, the audacity of it.
Say that!
Do you think it's fair to ask, like, what would it take for you to want to be exclusive?
I think so.
I don't think it's an unfair question to ask.
But if they themselves don't know what they want, they're not going to be able to come up with an answer.
Like, maybe that question's too hard, you know?
Like, if someone asked you that, like, what would you say, you know?
I'm like, ooh, good question.
Pass.
It's like relationship negotiating.
Yeah.
I'm like, oh, shit.
They're like, sorry, I don't know myself that well enough yet.
I know.
Check back in a month.
I think it's okay to say, like, check back in a month.
Like not yet, like later.
Yeah, I think that's fair too, to be like, oh, I need some time to like think about this.
So to wrap up this episode today, I do have a final question for everyone.
What are your words of advice for someone who may feel like they're stuck in a toxic situationship or maybe are just recovering from leaving a toxic situationship?
Therapy.
Damn.
Yeah.
Well, therapy is helpful in general, but I also think it's a good space to practice and learn about proper communication styles and then reflect on that and how you can improve yourself.
Honestly, the only thing you can really control in these situations is how you act and how you present yourself.
So if you constantly show your partner healthy practices and healthy communication, then that will probably hopefully encourage them to reciprocate it.
They'll be like, oh, well, this person is being very transparent and like clear with me.
So I will try my best to also be clear with them.
And I guess it's also like, if even that doesn't work, then you know to run.
Yeah.
At least you tried.
Yeah, exactly.
I don't know why the first words that I thought of was like, protect yourself.
Girl, run.
Because I don't want people to be like, so heartbroken, you know, over a situation.
At that point, you're just testing it out.
No need to like, do everything for this one person.
Protect your heart.
Aww.
And I also feel like you can.
After a situationship ends, I feel like you can take all of that emotional capacity that you focused on the other person and just put it all to yourself and figure out what you want, what you like.
I also think after an ending of a situationship, it can almost be a blessing to learn from that, because you could be like oh, thank God, that was just a situationship and I didn't have to go through a whole relationship to learn those lessons true true, and I think it's like a perfect opportunity to just really focus on yourself.
After that, like you know, learn to have fun by yourself with your friends, And I think when you, like you know, learn to really trust yourself and feel good about yourself, then you know you can confidently enter new relationships.
And you know whether that be something that's about to turn into a situationship or not.
You will hopefully have the trust and confidence in yourself to you know, put down the communication, draw the right boundaries and then prevent any further like terrible or toxic situations.
Yeah, definitely.
I guess my advice is probably like very simple, but I would say to enjoy it.
If there's one benefit to a situation ship, it's that it's can be very enjoyable.
And if you feel like at a certain point it's no longer enjoyable or serving any of your interests, then don't be afraid to walk away, because at the end of the day, it's just a situation ship.
No biggie.
He hasn't even met your friends yet.
So just enjoy it and end it.
Enjoy it.
And then if you stop enjoying it, then don't enjoy it, then you run yeah, hopping off of that.
I feel like if you are in a situation ship, i think the best thing you can do is be transparent and honest about what you want and then if they don't they don't want the same thing that's totally okay.
Then you can find someone else who does want the same thing.
And also, communication is key.
I feel like if you're feeling something, just say it, because at the end of the day, worst thing they can do is not be on the same page.
And if they're not on the same page, then why do you want to date them, you know?
Or why do you want to be with them?
Well said, and i think this is a very fun conversation, it's always very interesting to pick each other's brains about various relationships that we've had and various thoughts and perspectives on on different situations, So hopefully it was entertaining for our listeners out there as well.
And if anyone has their own opinions or perspectives to share with us, feel free to reach out to us on social media at eatyourcrustpod.
And we also have email eatyourcrustpod at gmail.com.
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We upload new episodes every Wednesday morning.
Thanks for listening.
And don't forget to eat your crust.
