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So, do you want to do the introduction to this episode?
Do you need to just explain what's going on and what we're going to do?
So this is just an example.
Okay.
Hello, everyone.
This is Luke's English podcast with his daughter.
We are going to talk about Would You Rather.
Okay, what's would you rather?
Would you rather is like a question and after you need to reply.
Right.
Like an example, would you rather eat candies all the time or eat chocolate all the time?
That's quite a good question.
So listeners, I think you get the idea, right?
So hello, welcome back to the podcast.
You're listening to me in conversation with my daughter.
She is my co-host in this episode.
Hello, my name is Ivy.
She's decided today that her name is Ivy.
That's the name we've gone for this time.
So I'm with my host here, my daughter, and we're going to play, Would You Rather which, as you may have gathered, is a conversation game where essentially, you pose different ridiculous, would you rather, questions?
I have actually done this on the podcast before.
I did an episode quite a long time ago.
It was called Would You Rather?
And it was with Amber and Paul.
You know them, don't you?
Yes.
So your listeners know it?
My listeners know it?
Well, it was a long time ago.
It was, you know, about 700 episodes ago or something.
Yes, you want to ask me something?
Lepsters.
Okay, so there we go, Lepsters.
There we go.
Exactly.
You get the idea of the game.
Would you rather, for example, eat candy all the time or eat chocolate all the time?
That's quite a good one.
I would eat chocolate because candy is more sugary than chocolate.
This is true.
I think if of the two, chocolate is probably slightly less unhealthy.
Yeah.
I wouldn't say that it was more healthy or healthier.
I would say it's less unhealthy.
Yeah.
Yeah, because what would happen if you ate candy all the time, sweets?
You would have some problems with your teeth.
That's right.
They would essentially rot away, wouldn't they?
Yeah, and then your teeth would fall out.
Because the sugar is like an acid which eats into the enamel of your teeth.
Let's stop doing this.
You mean let's stop talking about it?
Why, is it too traumatic for you?
No, you mean...
No, talk into the microphone.
Well, it's not.
Would you rather say?
Okay.
Well, you mean we're getting sidetracked?
Yeah.
We're getting sidetracked.
But that's a normal thing on this podcast.
I'm always getting sidetracked by things.
Really?
But maybe you're right.
Maybe you've got more sense than me.
You know when to stick to the point and not to be caught up in some ridiculous tangent about your teeth falling out of your head.
But this episode really is going to be full of sidetracks and tangents and things.
That's kind of the point.
But after, we will need to stop at a moment.
Yeah, eventually we'll need to stop and get back to the point, which is to continue playing the game.
That's right.
Just talk into the microphone.
So just a quick question, a couple of little things before we continue.
Do you understand?
You want to ask me something?
No, into the microphone.
Yes, it's all right.
You can do it.
Yes, but if we talk not in the microphone, no one hears us.
Yeah, but no one wants to hear someone whispering.
You know, that's when people listen to this podcast, they want to hear everything.
They don't want to hear people whispering in the background.
Yeah.
So just ask me through the microphone.
It's fine.
Okay.
What was it?
What was the question?
It was just just that that if people, if you whisper, people don't hear.
Yes, but we're not going to whisper because we want everyone to hear.
Yeah, everything we're saying.
So um, do you remember the, the point of this podcast?
What's the purpose?
Why do people listen to this?
Do you remember?
Because they want to learn english.
Right exactly, and how do you think people learn english by listening to this?
Because they um, they.
Well, they know words because I love this.
Yeah, that's right.
That's one of them.
They get to know a lot of words.
Yeah.
And so by talking about lots of different topics, we help them to discover new words.
And so with Would You Rather?
We're going to end up talking about all sorts of weird things, aren't we?
Yeah.
There's going to be lots of interesting.
Like the interesting thing about like poo.
Yeah, there is one question which is a bit rude.
It's about poo.
Uh, we'll see if we actually get time to cover that question.
It's funny, is it?
Is poo poo's.
Funny then, is it well, like it's guns of poo.
Guns of poo yes, like out of your bum gets poo like this, Right?
Yeah.
So yeah, hopefully people listening to this.
This gives them a chance to practice their listening, which is something really important for people to do a lot.
And also they can spot words and phrases which they can then pick up and use themselves when, for example, talking about firing poo out of your bum.
You know, you never know when you're going to need to talk about these things.
So it's obviously very important that people know how to do that in English.
Right yes, but um, what did i want to say already?
You forgot what you were going to say, didn't you?
Yeah Well, it's okay.
It'll come back to you, maybe.
Yeah.
So what we're going to use today is a... Wait, wait, wait.
When are we going to start, really, really?
Any second now.
You are the voice of my listeners, because that's exactly what they were thinking.
Like, okay, get on with it.
Can you start the game, please?
It says, would you rather in the episode title.
So let's do would you rather, please, instead of all this other stuff.
People do say that to me sometimes.
They just say, get on with it.
Just get to the point.
So we're going to use a book which is called Richard Herring's Would You Rather?
Richard Herring is a comedian from England.
I'm a fan of his podcast, and he's written several fun books of questions like this.
This one is called Would You Rather, And it's a collection of loads and loads of would-you-rather questions that he's thought of.
They are often very, very silly and very ridiculous.
And I am going to start reading.
The book is available, by the way.
It's Richard Herring's Would You Rather for anyone aged 6 to 106.
How old are you?
Seven years old.
Why did you say it like that?
I'm seven years old, don't you know?
Don't talk to me like that.
I'm seven years old.
Right, so you want to, yeah?
Don't whisper, talk.
So, yes.
Can you speak some French for us?
How would you say, oh, what was I going to say?
I was going to say something, but I can't remember what I was going to say.
Let me think for a moment.
Can you do that in French?
Qu'est-ce que j'allais dire dรฉjร ?
Je ne sais plus.
OK, very good.
Je ne sais plus.
Je ne sais plus du tout.
Okay.
You see, you speak French as well.
It's very impressive.
Anyway, do you want to get started?
Do you want to pick a question?
So I've been through the first few pages of the book and I've marked questions that I think we could use with a blue tick.
So anything you find with a blue tick next to it from the beginning, you could ask one of those.
So we'll just take turns in asking each other questions here, and we'll both answer and give our reasons.
Listeners as you listen to this, you could.
Perhaps One thing you could do is you could pause the podcast after each question, give your answer and explain your reasons, and then unpause and listen to what we say and compare your answer to our answer and see if there are any bits of English that we used, that you didn't use and that you could have used and that you would definitely use if you had another chance to answer the question, which of course you do, because there will be a PDF for this episode with all of the questions listed on it.
What's a PDF?
A PDF...
A PDF is a... I don't know what PDF stands for, actually.
I'll find out.
But essentially, a PDF is a kind of file.
It's a sort of document file, which you can download from the internet.
What does PDF stand for?
Here we go.
But when are we going to start?
Any second now.
Portable Document Format.
That's what PDF stands for.
Okay, listeners.
So before you start complaining about the long introduction, there you learned something.
PDF means portable document format.
And there's one person going, actually, I knew that already.
Right.
So do you want to start?
Yes.
Go on then.
Would you rather eat a full Christmas dinner for every meal every day, or eat a medium-sized Easter egg every two hours for the rest of your life?
So basically, you've got two options.
Every meal, that's three meals a day, you eat a full-size Christmas dinner.
With the dessert.
With the dessert and everything.
Do you know what a full-size Christmas dinner involves?
No.
I mean, you've had a few.
You've had how many?
A granny and grandad.
Yeah, you've had something like six of them in your life.
Well, maybe less.
But that means loads of roast turkey with stuffing, roast potatoes, carrots.
What are they called?
Brussels sprouts.
Oh.
Right, sauce, gravy, parsnips.
No, parsnips are good, aren't they?
Wait, what are parsnips?
Parsnips are a bit like carrots.
They're like pale yellow large carrots.
Anyway, and dessert, which means Christmas pudding.
Oh, I love Christmas pudding.
Right.
It's like bagel tarts.
Bagel tarts!
So it's a full Christmas dinner, which is a very big meal and you feel totally stuffed afterwards.
But you have to eat that every meal of the day forever.
Or every two hours you have to eat a medium sized chocolate egg, Easter egg.
Every two hours for the rest of your life.
I suppose that doesn't include when you're asleep.
So, it's me, isn't it, who has to answer this question.
I'd go for the Christmas dinner.
Me too.
Why would you go for Christmas dinner?
Well, because Easter egg is bad for your teeth, and we already talked about it.
Well, after Christmas pudding, I love it.
I like bagel tarts.
So it's because an Easter egg every two hours, I mean, how many Easter eggs is that a day?
If you sleep for about eight hours at night, that means you're awake for, what, 16 hours?
That means eight Easter eggs a day.
That's going to be really bad for you.
It's also going to ruin your appetite.
Yeah, and like three, well, no, four.
Yeah, four Christmas.
No, three.
No, four.
What, four?
Why four?
What's this?
Is it this breakfast?
Yes.
Then this, you know.
What?
Lunch?
Lunch.
Yes.
Then there's tea time.
Okay.
And then there's dinner.
Yeah, well, yeah, technically, I don't know about that.
I think most adults just have three meals a day.
But you're talking about tea time like goรปter in France, a little snack.
Yeah.
Yeah, I don't know if that counts as a meal exactly.
It's like a little break.
But let's say it's at least three Christmas dinners.
Yeah.
I think that's a much better idea.
It's definitely a lot of food, but it's a balanced diet.
You've got, you know, protein.
There's lots of vegetables.
A tiny bit of sugar.
Where's the sugar in that recipe?
Well... In the sauce, right?
Well, yeah.
Yes, I think so.
Yeah, but like it's a tiny bit, not like with the medium-sized Easter eggs.
Eight medium-sized Easter eggs every single day for the rest of your life.
Yes, exactly.
So I think we agree then it's the Christmas dinner.
I mean, you're going to feel very full, but at least you're going to have a fairly balanced diet.
There's going to be fiber in the diet as well.
So you know, it's probably the best idea, right?
My question for you then, is this if you had to be a piece of fruit, what kind of fruit would you rather be?
If you had to be a piece of fruit, what kind of fruit would you rather be?
You know all the different types of fruit there are in the world.
Yeah yeah, you had to be a piece of one of those types of fruit.
Which?
Which one?
What would you be?
It's a difficult one actually, isn't it?
Because I mean, you think well, some fruit probably decomposes more quickly than other fruits right, but we don't want to be that.
You don't want to decompose quickly, you want to have a fairly long life yeah, but then again all fruit is going to decompose at roughly the same rate yeah um, so it's more a question of what you hope to achieve with the time that you have yeah, and so what kind of piece of fruit is really gonna achieve a lot?
I think i would be a slice of orange.
Do you want to know why?
Because traditionally in England, football players I think at halftime who would eat slices of orange?
They would run back from the pitch at halftime for 15 minutes and there would be a tray of orange slices and the football players would eat from the orange slices.
They'd eat the orange slices, drink loads of water and then go back out and play the second half of the game.
Do you want to be eaten by the football players?
Yeah, at least I'd want to contribute.
You know, maybe I could be a slice of orange on a plate for the English football team or the Lionesses.
Yeah.
And then they would be energised, full of good energy.
Yeah.
And then they'd go out and win the game and I would have contributed to England winning the World Cup, or something like that.
Yeah.
Yeah.
So I'd be a slice of orange.
Me too.
You too?
You're going to just choose the same as me?
Yeah, it's good.
Okay.
I'm trying to think if there's another similar use of this.
So maybe a slice of apple in your lunchbox.
But then that would be weird, wouldn't it?
Because then you would be a slice of apple eating yourself.
Yeah, that would be weird.
Okay.
All right.
Shall we have another question?
Yeah.
Okay.
This is quite a serious one.
No, it's my turn.
All right.
Well, it's that question there.
I'm going through them in order.
Would you rather have world peace or...
10,000 in your personal bank account tax-free.
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Would you rather have a piece or...
Would you rather have world peace or ยฃ10,000 in your personal bank account tax-free?
Okay, so either world peace or ยฃ10,000 in my personal bank account tax-free.
I would have, you know, what?
ยฃ10,000 in your personal bank?
You'd have world peace, wouldn't you?
Well, yeah.
Because you're a peaceful creature.
Because if you had always money in your bank and also people who would fight for the thing, I would have.
After I would be in a fighting mode, and I don't like being a fountain.
Fountain?
You don't like being a fountain?
I don't like being in a fighting mode.
Right.
I like to be peaceful, and there we go.
Yeah, I completely agree with you.
I think that... obviously that's the right answer.
I mean, how could anyone say otherwise?
That's definitely the right answer.
That's what we want, is world peace.
Well, only the people who are a lot greedy for... Like in Donald Duck.
Like Scrooge McDuck.
Do you think he would go for the ยฃ10,000?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
He probably would.
But you know what?
Unfortunately in the world there are plenty of people who would rather have ยฃ10000 in their bank account tax-free than world peace.
And in fact, that might be why wars exist.
Because people think to themselves I don't have ยฃ10000 in my bank account and I think I should have ยฃ10000 in my bank account.
And these people over here.
I think they've got ยฃ10000 in their bank account and they shouldn't have ยฃ10000 in their bank account.
I should have ยฃ10,000 in my bank account.
So I'm going to go over there and I'm going to take their ยฃ10,000 and put it in my bank account.
And the other people are going to go.
No, I've got ยฃ10000 in my bank account and it's my ยฃ10000 and you're not allowed to have it.
So I'm going to stop you.
And then they have a big fight.
And then more people come in and come in and then it makes a big wall.
Exactly.
So we obviously want world peace and that's what we all dream of, isn't it?
There are some extra questions here.
If you choose ยฃ10,000...
Which you didn't choose, so that's fine.
If you choose world peace, how much money would it take to change your answer?
For example, if I offered you ยฃ500,000 in your bank account, would you change your mind?
No.
How about ยฃ500000 million pounds?
No really, 50 million pounds no, 500 million pounds.
No, one billion pounds no no okay, so there's no money in the world that would change your mind.
Yeah, that's very admirable of you.
Um, so like you.
Oh, the same, of course.
I mean, if it's a choice between world peace and me being stinking rich, then obviously I'm going to go for world peace.
Yeah, because people who choose being stinking rich well, they are a lot more bizarre than other people.
Yeah, they are, aren't they?
Like, really?
Do you want the war?
No.
So you don't have a lot of money.
It's logic.
It's a kind of logic, yes.
I don't know if necessarily having a lot of money causes war.
I don't know if that's true.
A lot, a lot, a lot, a lot.
Like a million, like a... Oh, you mean when you have an extraordinary amount of money?
Yeah.
In fact, you've got so much money that most other people almost have nothing.
Yeah.
Then, of course, yeah, that's going to cause problems in the world, isn't it?
Yeah.
Because everyone else is going to go, we've got no money.
It's going to be a bit like the French Revolution, which is sort of what happened.
Anyway, right, let's move on to the next question, shall we?
Yeah, because...
Let's not talk about such serious things.
Although, you know, it's important to discuss the serious things sometimes.
But we are here to have a lighthearted discussion today.
And also have a lot of fun.
Yes, that's right, and help people learn English.
Right, now, so, ready for the next question?
Would you rather have... This is a very silly question.
Are you ready for it?
Oh, yes, I remember that one.
No, no, it's not the one we talked about earlier.
Yes, I know, I know, but I remember the one.
Would you rather have the ability to produce honey from a special honey stomach?
So a little stomach somewhere in your body that produces honey like a bee.
So would you rather have the ability to produce honey from a special honey stomach, or be able to make a pearl in your kidney every 10 years?
You know what a pearl is, don't you?
Well, yeah.
What is it?
Like in The Sign of the Four.
Like in the Sherlock Holmes story, yeah.
A pearl is a little jewel.
Yeah.
It's very, very, very...
Expensive.
Valuable.
Yeah, valuable.
They can be very valuable, yes, especially if they're very fine, good quality pearls.
Like, all clean.
Do you know how pearls are actually made?
Do you know what they come from?
In the sea.
Yeah.
From a little shell.
Yeah.
Yeah, you know some things, don't you?
Exactly.
Well, I'm not a stupid person.
No, you are not.
So, pearls are normally made inside an oyster shell.
Yeah.
A little grain of dirt slowly picks up residue from inside the shell and builds up over time and eventually a perfectly round, shiny little beautiful pearl.
I never saw a real one.
You've seen real pearls.
I'm sure you have.
Doesn't your mum have some real pearls?
Anyway, anyway, we're getting sidetracked again.
So you have the ability to produce honey from a little honey stomach.
I don't know where it is.
Yeah, like maybe here, maybe here.
Like on your tummy, there's like a little hole and you just squeeze it and honey comes out, right?
And you can just squeeze out like loads of honey every day.
Or every day, no, every day, every 10 years, you produce a pearl.
Like you, not like people give it to you.
No, you make it with your body and it comes out and you can, I guess, sell it or do something else with it.
Yeah.
So what would you rather have?
I don't know at all.
Well, think about it.
Think about what's better, having a constant supply of honey or... I love honey.
Or a valuable pearl.
Yeah, but we don't know what kind of honey.
It's good honey.
If you make it, it's good.
Okay?
It's top quality honey.
It's like the honey I love.
Like the big bolt of... you mean the big pots of honey that i buy from the super expensive honey yeah because there's these pots of honey that i buy in the supermarket they're french we're getting sidetracked it's french honey but it's it's very pleased with itself on the box on the jar on the jar it's it's like talking about how wonderful the honey is but it is good honey so it's that honey you can just produce that from yourself all the time or would you like a lovely beautiful valuable pearl every eight years i would love in 10 years It said eight years.
Ten years, sorry.
Is there like a little... Speak into the microphone, please.
Is there like a little, you know... Sub-question, extra question?
Yes, there are, but you've got to make your choice first.
I don't know at all.
Right, well, I'll give you the other questions.
So, for the honey, we were wondering where it would come from.
Here's where the honey would come from.
So, you would actually have to sick the honey up.
I'd seek the honey.
Vomit the honey.
You'd actually vomit it out through your mouth, producing one kilogram of honey every day.
No.
Which you could eat or sell to unsuspecting members of the public, meaning they wouldn't know that you'd vomited it.
They'd just be like, oh, look, some honey.
A kilogram of honey is...
That's a lot.
That's about the size of that jar, that big jar of honey.
So you'd have to vomit out that much honey every day, and then you could either eat it again, put it on some toast, you know, put it in your yogurt, or sell it to people.
And I could do it, like, very discreetly when I want to eat something.
Like that?
Yeah, like that no one knows.
Right, so you might... Oh, I feel a bit peckish.
Like just... Mmm, little snack.
So, there's that.
Does that make any difference to your decision?
I don't know already what's my decision.
What are the advantages of having a kilogram of honey at your disposal every day?
Like that I would have some money, but it would make the war easier.
Well, it wouldn't.
Just you, having a small honey business, a small artisanal honey shop, would not contribute to the beginning of World War III.
I'm almost sure.
In fact, the opposite.
I think if you're there selling honey at a fair price, that's only going to help.
Oh, yeah.
Isn't it?
Yeah.
You're going to say, look, cut price honey.
Get all your honey here.
Brilliant quality honey.
You can try the honey before taking it.
Try before you buy.
Exactly.
You're very reasonable.
It's very fair.
It's a very fair price.
Yeah.
That's going to help the world.
Yeah.
Okay.
Or...
You get a lovely, beautiful pearl every 10 years.
What would be the advantages of having a pearl like that?
I don't know, but can you just?
Well, I want you to.
So okay look, it would be a very valuable item which you could sell for a lot of money.
I don't know how much pearls go for these days, but it's got to be a few thousand pounds each time.
Yeah.
Every 10 years.
Even if it's ยฃ5000 every 10 years, I feel like you could make more money selling the honey, to be honest with you.
Yeah.
If you sell a pot of honey every day for โฌ5, which is a very good price actually for that much good honey, then No, but like a pellet of honey.
Pearl is 5,000, let's say.
If it's that good, it's a really good one.
But you only get 5,000 every 10 years.
So that's not very much money.
Yeah, and in one year you can have 5,000.
500.
500 with a pot of honey.
And that means that you'd have to sell like what?
100 pots of honey in a year to get the same amount.
And you could easily do that.
Anyway, each pearl, you might be wondering where the pearls come from.
Each pearl would be worth ยฃ8,000.
Ah, ยฃ8,000.
Okay.
That's more.
Yeah.
But you would have to pass it with your urine via your urethra.
What's that?
I don't know what that means to you.
Okay.
Because... So, your kidney... Do you know what your kidneys are?
They're organs in your body that are responsible for cleaning your body.
And they take out toxins and they go through a small little pipe, little tube from the kidney into your bladder.
And then it goes to the toilet.
And then you pee it out and it goes through your urethra, which is like a very small little channel.
A very small channel.
And you see that some people they develop this problem called a kidney stone, which is, i guess, in a similar way to the way that oysters make pearls that, like a little bit of dirt, gathers bits over time and gets larger and larger.
A kidney stone is a similar thing.
I'm not sure exactly what it's made of, it might be salt, but it's a little thing in your kidney and it grows and grows and grows and becomes a crystal Which no, not a good crystal.
This is really a bad kind of crystal, because the only way to get it out is to pass it through that little tube and to pee it out.
And it's very, very sharp and very big.
And they say that it's more painful than childbirth.
Childbirth is when a woman pushes a human child out of her own body, right passing a kidney stone is said to be as painful, if not more painful than that.
So the pearl that you produce every 10 years, you'd actually have to pass it out through your pp, and that would be intensely painful.
So Take the honey.
Yeah, me too.
Okay, next question.
Okay, this is a simple one.
Do you want to ask me that question?
Yeah, because that's like nearly the second time we do it.
What?
I can't hear you when you whisper.
Would you rather... Yes?
Would you rather be a tennis ball or a tennis racket?
I'd rather be... No, it's your turn first.
Would I rather be a tennis ball or a tennis racket?
Okay, interesting question.
Now, on the face of it...
It seems to be a question of would you like to be hit or would you like to hit something, right?
That seems to be the question on the face of it.
Yeah.
But actually, when you think about the life of a tennis ball and you think about the life of a tennis racket what, what are those lives like?
So let's start with the tennis racket.
Sure, they get used to play tennis, but most of the time what happens to tennis rackets is they get bought one summer, they get used a little bit and then they get put in the back of a cupboard and left on a shelf in a garage or something for ages and they just stay there forever And maybe occasionally every summer they might get used a little bit, but most of the time they sit on a shelf and just gather dust and don't get used.
And some of them get broken.
True.
Some of them get broken and thrown away and they end up on a big pile of rubbish somewhere.
Meanwhile, tennis balls, sure, they get used for tennis, but tennis balls get used for all sorts of other things too, don't they?
Yeah, like dogs.
Exactly.
Dogs love to catch them, run after them.
And kids at school play football with tennis balls.
You can just throw them and catch them.
You can throw it against a wall and catch it.
Yeah.
So what life would you rather have?
I mean, i think i'm going, i'm leaning towards the tennis, the life of the tennis ball, even though on the tennis court it does get smashed around the place quite a lot yeah, but that's okay.
Sometimes the ball gets shot over the fence of the tennis court and then it's free to just live its life.
Like, stick me, what about you?
Yeah, I would take that.
The same?
Yeah.
Okay.
All right.
What's the next question?
It's got to have a blue tick.
Yeah, it's got a blue tick.
All right, then.
Would you rather have constantly wet socks or have 800 keys on a key ring, and the one you and the one you wait uh, let's first do you?
Would you rather have constantly wet socks or have a hundred keys on your key ring?
A hundred keys on your key ring and yeah, but let's say that after.
OK, having 100 keys on your key ring would certainly be annoying, but having wet socks is just one of the worst things.
Yeah.
I mean, it's just simply awful.
If you've ever walked into the bathroom with socks on and accidentally stepped in a little puddle of water and then you've got this condition called wet sock, which is where you've got this perpetually wet sock and your foot feels all damp and it's very uncomfortable and awful, especially if you then have to put that sock into a shoe and then you've got a wet shoe and you feel like your feet are going to rot and your toes are going to drop off.
It's the worst thing.
A hundred keys on the key ring.
That is definitely inconvenient, but I guess I would just keep it in a bag.
I'd have a little shoulder bag.
I'd just put the key ring in the shoulder bag.
And you might even look important.
If you walk around with 100 keys on a key ring, people are going to think, who's that with 100 keys?
How does that person have access to all those keys?
And they've got like 100 rooms.
Does that person live in a castle?
Who is this person?
I want to know who this person is.
I want to get to know this person.
In fact, I'm going to give this person a hundred pounds just because I think they deserve it for having so many keys and having such a big house.
I think that you know, and you'd walk around with your hundred keys and people are like look, there's the guy with a hundred keys.
So I think I'd go with a hundred keys.
Me too.
But the condition.
Okay.
And the one you need will always be the hundredth of the one you tried.
Wait, the one you need.
So you've got a hundred keys on the key ring, but the one you need is always the hundredth key that you try.
So you have to stand there trying every single key a hundred times and then eventually...
The hundredth key is the one that opens the door every single time.
Right, that is incredibly inconvenient, isn't it?
Yeah, but it's okay.
Why?
Like, when it sucks, it's even more bad.
Even worse, you mean?
Yeah.
I don't know, honestly.
Having a hundred keys and having to stand there and try a hundred keys in our front door.
I mean, that's an annoying... How long is that going to take?
It's going to take you 10 minutes or something, isn't it?
I think because of that condition, I'm going to have to go for the wet socks.
I'm just going to have to deal with it.
Yeah, because if you really need to go to the toilet...
Yeah, that's a very good point.
If you step in some water and you've got a wet sock and you need to rush home and change your sock, you'd have to ching ching ching, ching.
I'll try a hundred keys.
No, I'm going to go for the wet sock and just live with it.
Me too.
Okay, I'm glad we sorted that out.
I was going to do a burp, but I didn't because I'm a professional podcaster.
I want to do another one.
Okay, go on then.
What's the next one with a blue tick, please?
Would you rather have a Swiss Army hand or an Inspector Gadget helicopter blade?
Wait, I'm going to say that after.
Wait a minute.
So would you rather have a Swiss Army hand or an Inspector Gadget helicopter blade?
Inspector Gadget is also a little... Cartoon character.
Yeah, exactly.
I love him.
He's so genius.
What is it about Inspector Gadget that's clever?
Well, because he has all these gadgets everywhere.
For example?
The helicopter blade.
What is the helicopter blade?
It's like he asks his head to open his head.
It's his hat, isn't it?
Not his head.
Yeah, yeah.
Is it his head?
No, it's his hat.
So he's not a cyborg, is he?
What's a cyborg?
A cyborg is like a sort of robot that's half robot, half human.
Well, in real life, he's half robot, half human.
Is he?
Yes.
I didn't know that.
Because his feet can... Extend.
Yeah.
And his arms can extend.
Yeah.
Yeah, I never really thought about this before, about Inspector Gadget.
Is he some sort of cyborg, like Robocop?
Yeah.
Okay.
I don't know the backstory.
Did he have like a terrible accident and his body was taken to a laboratory?
I don't know.
And they're like, you know what we're going to do?
We're going to save his life, but we're going to use some advanced technology to bring him back.
And we're going to fuse him with all of this complex robotic technology.
And he will become Inspector Gadget.
Inspector Gadget.
Inspector Gadget.
With the big baddie who was in the cinema.
You know the episode of the cinema?
No.
Oh, it's a very good one.
Okay, it's very good.
So we're getting sidetracked again.
One of the things that inspector gadget has is these helicopter blades.
Yeah, they come out of the top of his hat or head.
Hat, hat slash head yeah hat, you think.
And it's.
They spin round like the like the blades of a helicopter, and then he can fly.
So would you rather have that, or would you rather have a swiss army hand?
Now, do you know what?
A swiss army knife?
Yes, what is a swiss, swiss army knife?
You don't have any.
I've got one somewhere, but i don't know where it is.
Uh, so it's like a knife.
Yes, here you don't see actually the blade.
It's actually.
It falls itself and after you can put it back to to a normal knife.
You can fold it out and use the knife and clip it back in.
But one of the unique things about the Swiss Army Knife is it's not just one blade, that they have a number of different.
Let's call them gadgets, I suppose.
So typically, your typical Swiss Army Knife has got a big blade, a small blade.
Medium-sized blade.
Sometimes a little can opener.
I think that opens a can of beans.
You've got a bottle opener, which pop will open a bottle of Coke or beer or something.
Then there's a little thing, a little spike to get stones out of a horse's hoof.
Oh, you know the way you always need to.
You know, get a stone out of a horse's hoof, not on the.
There's one part you're not allowed to do it on.
Really yeah okay um, in french it's called la fourchette.
Okay right, who's in the middle?
Oh, i didn't know about that.
Um, and there's another.
You need just to brush it, I see, okay.
And there's another one which Stones never come in because it's like here there's the thing where you need to, and here there's the thing where you There's a little sensitive spot on their foot that you shouldn't spike okay.
Yeah, not at all.
Or after, they can like, if it's their back foot, they do.
They'll kick. kick your head in.
There's a Sherlock Holmes story like that, you know, where someone gets kicked by a horse.
Anyway, we'll discover that later, I expect.
So yeah, all these gadgets.
And there's also one which you can use to remove the scales of a fish, if that's important for some reason.
Same uh now, so that's right.
So swiss army hand would mean that your hand had all these other gadgets that you could pull out, unfold from it, like a knife, a bottle opener and a can opener, a spoon, you know yeah, things like that.
Um, so is that for me that question?
Obviously, I'd have the Inspector Gadget helicopter blades coming out of my head.
Well, why not?
Because then I'd be able to fly.
Yeah, but maybe on your hand, you can have like a little thing that makes you fly.
But Swiss Army knives don't normally have a helicopter attack.
They have a lot of things, but a helicopter is not normally one of them.
So, no.
I don't think so.
So it's either you get a helicopter out of your head or you get lots of different knives and bottle openers on your hand.
I think it's definitely the helicopter.
But you see, if you're like in the middle of nowhere... Yes.
And you catch a fish, well, you could like fly a...
Or I could just fly to the nearest McDonald's and eat a fillet of fish sandwich.
McDonald's.
Yeah, that's the right response.
I'm very proud of you for having that response because McDonald's is the correct response.
Well done.
Ten points.
You've just earned ten points.
I'm still going for the helicopter.
It's a flipping helicopter.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Also, you see, like, you can cut a fish with the helicopter.
Yeah, exactly.
Like you just do.
You just throw the helicopter up and chop it up and then you get like sliced fish sushi.
Right there in your lap.
And then you get a carrot and you throw that up.
You get some sliced carrot.
It's brilliant.
You don't need the knife.
You've got the helicopter blades.
Actually, yeah, yeah, yeah.
I'm going to have... Me again.
You want to ask another question?
Yeah.
I love doing it.
Okay, question master.
Would you rather be the most famous and successful person of all time, but only after you've died?
Or get two for one meals uh, harvest harvester for for the rest of your life, right?
Let me just read that one again.
So would you rather be the most successful and famous person of all time, but only after you've died right?
A bit like van gogh?
Who's van gogh?
He was an artist.
He drew, he painted the sunflowers.
Have you ever seen that painting?
Imagine some sunflowers.
Imagine a man painting them.
That's it.
Okay.
So, anyway, most famous and successful person of all time, but only after you've died.
The thing about Van Gogh is he's considered to be one of the greatest artists of all time.
His paintings are sold for millions of pounds.
But when he was alive, no one knew who he was and no one cared.
He only became successful after he died, so he never actually saw his own success.
Sad story, isn't it, that?
But then later, people realized how great his work was, and then he became held up as this fantastic, brilliant artist.
But at the time he was alive... But he didn't even know.
He didn't know.
Yeah, so it's kind of sad, isn't it, really?
Yeah.
So you can have that, or you can get two-for-one meals at Harvester for the rest of your life.
Harvester is a kind of restaurant in England.
It's not a very good restaurant, really, in my opinion.
It's a family restaurant, but it's a sort of like... Like McDonald's?
No, it's a bit better than McDonald's.
In France, it's equivalent to something like hippopotamus.
Do you know that?
It's a place where you can get burgers and stuff.
Or flams.
It's a bit like that family restaurant.
Do you know what i'm talking about?
Yeah, yeah.
So two for one meals.
That's where you buy one meal, you get one free.
So i could take you there and you would eat for free.
So two for one meals, it's not bad.
Yeah, for the rest of your life it's pretty good.
Yeah, you're guaranteed food half price at a harvester restaurant where you can get like a chicken, a roast chicken lunch Or something like that.
Or you become the most famous and successful person of all time, but only after you've died.
So your legacy would be cast in stone.
Or two for one meals at Harvester.
Go ahead.
I'd like you to answer that one.
No, you first.
No, no, please.
I'm scared.
I don't know what to do.
Just say what's in your heart.
Very famous and celebrated, but only after you've died.
What's more important to you?
Knowing that when you die suddenly, everyone will celebrate you and think you're brilliant and they'll remember you forever.
Or cheap food forever.
I really don't know.
I don't know at all.
How important is the food option?
Not really important.
No, you can afford to eat every day.
Yeah.
But it's not bad to have as a baseline safety net.
Where you just think, okay, I've always got that.
I've always got, like, I can always go to Harvester.
I can always take a friend to Harvester.
We can eat fairly at a reasonable price.
Or you get the other thing, the fame and success, but after you're done.
I think I'm going to go for the Harvester, to be honest with you.
Because when you're dead...
You're not going to care, are you?
If people know or remember you?
Yeah.
Why does it matter?
Yeah.
When you're dead, you're just dead.
You don't care anymore, do you?
It's not like you're going to be dead going, ah, ha, ha.
You see, everyone loves me now.
This is fantastic.
I love being dead.
No.
When you're dead, you're not going to care, I think.
Yeah.
How are you doing?
I'm doing fine.
Yeah?
You're enjoying this?
Yeah.
How do you think this is for the listeners?
Fantastic, right?
Yeah.
Do you want a drink of water?
Okay.
Hey, listeners, meet Russell.
Hey Russell just launched a fitness app and he needed to get the word out to busy professionals looking to stay fit.
So I turned to a cast.
I use their smart recommendations feature to easily find shows that talk about health and fitness.
Booking sponsorships through their platform was a breeze.
And just like that, my app was in their ears during their morning run.
Sounds like a smart move, Russell.
How's business looking now?
Sweat is pouring, and so are the installs.
That's my dad who's struggling to open a bottle of water.
Oh, God.
That was a difficult one.
Yeah.
But still, my dad is very... Very strong, right?
Yeah.
The strongest man in all these islands.
Not true.
Well, we're not in any islands, are we?
We're on continental Europe.
We're on the continent.
Sometimes my dad is bizarre.
I think they know.
I'll be editing that comment out.
All right, come on then.
All right, do you want to carry on?
This is good.
Who's winning?
It's me, isn't it?
No, who's winning?
No one's winning this.
It's not that kind of thing.
Would you rather be able to correctly answer any general knowledge question that you've that you're ever asked?
Hey, it's my turn.
No, it's not.
Would you rather be able to correctly answer any general knowledge question that you're ever asked, or have everyone think you're cool?
So everyone's like, oh, you know, Ivy?
Yeah, she's the cool girl, right?
Ivy Thompson?
Yeah, she's so cool.
Have you seen her?
She's just the coolest girl in school, so cool so you want people to think you're cool or you.
You can answer any general knowledge quiz question.
So if i say, for example, in what year did edward munk paint his famous scream painting?
I don't know, it was 1927.
Congratulations, 10 points to ivy thompson.
Um, So which one?
Answer any question on general knowledge, like any quiz question.
You could beat any quiz that you go to, or everyone thinks you're super, super cool.
Everyone thinks that I'm super, super cool.
Is this important?
Is it?
No, maybe it is.
Is that important for people to think you're very cool?
I don't know.
Well, I mean, you know, you're seven.
You'll be a teenager in a matter of years.
And I think for teenagers, they consider that sort of thing to be important, to be thought of as cool as considered to be very valuable.
But I just want you to tell me why it's important.
I just don't know.
I just don't know why it's important.
But there is that sense that it is important, though, right?
I mean, I know.
I mean, I don't need to worry about it because everyone already thinks I'm very cool.
Why are you laughing?
I don't understand why you're laughing about that.
It's just serious.
Really?
It's serious?
Yeah, seriously, yeah.
Everyone thinks I'm very cool.
Have you not noticed?
You know the other day when that guy... Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Maybe he's listening to you.
That guy in the street.
Do you want to tell the story?
Well, there's a guy in the street that was just like walking... Walking down the street.
Yeah, there we go.
And then we were walking up the street.
Yes.
And then the person... This guy, this very cool looking guy.
Yeah.
Very important looking cool guy.
Don't pull that cable.
Yeah.
Well, he said yeah, and then um, when it was um the evening you know that, when it was the evening, when it was the evening before that, he said hello and i said hi, like that.
And then your mum turned to me and said did he just say hello to you?
And i said yeah, and she said who was that?
And i said i've got no idea.
He sent a message.
He sent an email to me.
Yeah.
And he said on the email.
So, hi, Luke.
I was walking down the street and I saw you.
So I said, hello.
I don't know why I didn't say other nice things.
I'm one of your listeners.
Right.
Maybe the person is listening, maybe he is um, but i don't remember why we're telling this story.
It's because people, people see me in the street and they, they say hello to me because because they know how cool i am right, but anyway it's, it does seem important to be thought of as cool.
We like to have a reputation like you know how to do cool hip-hop dancing like this.
Yeah, she's doing some hip-hop dancing now So anyway, sit down.
So what's more important, being thought of as cool or having general knowledge?
Thought of as cool.
You thought it was cool.
That's your answer.
I think that I don't know.
I understand that it's important for people to In general I like Talk to the microphone.
Science and everything.
Yes.
But I love being cool.
It's hard, this one.
I think that I'm going to, Because I'm now nearly 50.
I think I'm going to go for the general knowledge.
Yeah.
Because that's going to serve me better.
I don't know.
Maybe.
But being a cool 50-year-old is quite great, isn't it?
Yes.
It's like, he looks cool.
How old is he?
He's 50.
He's so cool.
Look at him in his sunglasses and his jacket.
Yeah, like we never saw a person who's 50 years old and he's so, so cool.
He's like cooler than Tom Cruise and Mick Jagger and someone out at Brad Pitt all mixed in together.
Combine them.
They're still not cooler than this guy in a jacket here.
Who's still 50 years old.
Yeah.
Wow.
I know.
But I think that the general knowledge is the thing that might bring me more joy.
Yeah.
Because it's a wonderful thing knowing a lot of trivia.
Yeah.
It is a fantastic thing.
What's this thing?
That's a clip on the chair that you're sitting on.
And if you pull it, the chair will explode.
So I wouldn't pull on that.
Thank you.
Really?
Okay.
So you'd like to be cool.
I'd like to know stuff.
We could combine forces and do something amazing, couldn't we?
Yeah.
Okay.
Next question for you.
Talking of Tom Cruise, you know who he is, right?
Yeah.
It's my turn, please.
It's like in Mission Impossible.
Yes.
So he's an actor in a lot of film franchises, including the Mission Impossible series.
Have you ever seen a Mission Impossible film?
No.
No.
I'm too young.
You are.
We'll watch one one of these days.
There's a lot of films that we're going to watch together.
So...
That's Tom Cruise.
So would you rather?
But Daddy, I got In Christy Bear.
Like there's someone with a hat who goes like this down and he's doing like a dance.
Can I remove my headphones just to show you?
You don't need to show me because this is an audio podcast, so people won't understand.
It's just what I just wanted to say to you.
My daughter is talking about a show that she watches on Netflix called Grizzly Bear and the Lemmings.
You might have seen it yourself, listeners.
It's about a grizzly bear who lives in a wooden shack, a wooden cabin, and there are these little blue lemmings that are desperate to get into the cabin.
No, no, it's also their home.
They live there too, and they fight.
It's like Tom and Jerry, but one's a big bear, the other one is a group of lemmings.
It's a brilliant show.
And they have powers sometimes.
They have random powers.
They always end up flying down a hill or falling through the air or something like that.
It's very ridiculous.
And maybe their home sometimes explodes.
Yeah, and they go flying out into space and stuff like that.
And sometimes they get bigger and bigger and then they turn into space and then they see uh-oh, they throw their thing away and then the Earth is so little and they're so heavy.
The earth turns round and they fall off.
Yeah.
Right, or they bump their head on the moon or something like that.
Yes.
Anyway.
So in this show Grizzly Bear and the Lemmings, there was a guy with a hat and he pulled the hat down and he did a funny dance.
No, but can I just go on then, if you need to show me?
Uh, so she's taking her headphones off and she's getting up from her seat and she's now going to do the dance for me and i'll try and explain it.
So it's a very cool dance where she's got holding her head down.
She's sort of shifting her shoulders, doing a cool funky dance move with her hips and holding her hand over her face, like here i'm holding the hat.
So she's holding a hat down.
It's a sort of a Michael Jackson.
Yeah, there you go, Michael Jackson.
It's Michael Jackson, is it?
Yeah, but like... Sit down in front of the microphone, please.
The creepy person.
Well, yeah, he is quite creepy.
No, but the creepy person.
I don't know.
Michael Jackson, that's who you mean.
Yeah, but the creepy person.
No, it's not Michael Jackson, but it's Michael Jackson who's doing it.
In the Thriller music video?
Can you just... Wait.
Wait, can you show me the person?
It's close to midnight.
Can you show me the person?
You're talking about getting sidetracked.
We're getting hugely sidetracked here.
I'm not sure this is going to make it into the final episode, I have to say.
I'm sorry.
We went a lot sidetracked a lot.
Got very sidetracked.
Right.
So would you rather go on a cruise with Tom Cruise or go on a walking holiday with Christopher Walken?
Who's Christopher Walken?
Christopher Walken is an actor who speaks kind of like this, and it's very strange the way he talks in a very unique way.
That's Christopher Walken.
He's a famous actor from Hollywood.
He plays sort of gangsters and other interesting characters.
And he has a very unique way of talking like this.
Wow.
You're certainly very verbose.
That's Christopher Walken and Tom Cruise, you know.
So would you rather go on a cruise with Tom Cruise or a walking holiday?
What's a cruise again?
You know what a cruise is.
It's one of those ridiculously big ships that goes to different places.
Well, a cruise with Tom Cruise.
Why?
Oh, did Tom Cruise go on a lot of cruises, which is called Tom Cruise?
Yeah.
That's the whole idea of the cruise was invented by Tom Cruise.
Did you not know?
Uh-uh.
Mm-hmm.
He was like, I've got an idea.
I've got a great idea.
Crazy idea.
Ha, ha, ha.
Crazy idea.
He laughs a lot, sort of randomly.
He's got a big grin on his face.
Imagine a short guy, very handsome.
Ha, ha, ha.
I've got a good idea.
Ha, ha, ha.
He's very intense.
He's not laughing all the time exclusively, but he's very intense.
And he's like, Ivy, your name's Ivy, right?
I've got a great idea.
It's crazy.
It's a crazy idea, but it's a great idea.
That's what Tom Cruise is like.
He's very intense.
And Christopher Walken is very wordy and speaks with outrageous intonation like that.
People who know Christopher Walken will be now going.
That is an extraordinary Christopher Walken impression.
I'm surprised that I've never heard it before.
But anyway.
So cruise with Tom Cruise or go for a walk with Christopher Walken.
Cruise Christopher Walken.
Walken?
Walken?
Yeah, that's the joke.
Go cruise with Tom Cruise or go walking with Christopher Walken.
Well...
Well, Cruise with Tom Cruise.
Yeah, I think it's obviously the right answer.
Tom Cruise is a very interesting character.
The most famous person in the world.
He is maybe one of the most famous people in the world.
Plus, going on a cruise would be good fun, wouldn't it?
Yeah, like going in the swimming pool.
Yeah, exactly.
Like this.
Okay, right.
Next question do you want to ask me this one?
Don't you want to put your headphones back on?
No okay well, make sure you speak into the microphone.
Would you rather be the most beautiful person in the world or the cleverest?
Or the cleverest person in the world, Hmm?
Okay, I think the answer is clear for me.
I think I'd rather be the cleverest person in the world.
Me too.
Why?
Well, because if he tells you, like, I'm just plus 100, 200!
Oh, you mean you'd just be able to answer any question, yeah.
Yeah, I guess.
And also, if there's, like, a plant who's dying, you would know all the time what to do.
In fact, you'd know what to do for everything, not just if there's a plant that's dying, but any situation you would be able to solve.
In fact, you might even be able to solve big problems.
Yeah, like huge problems.
Like what?
Like if someone was going to fall out of a roof, you would know exactly what to do.
Yeah, you'd be a kind of superhero.
Well, I know what to do already.
What's that?
Put a lot of soft things.
Like cushions?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Or a trampoline or...
Things with a trampoline, though they'll fall off the building, land on the trampoline and just boing, go straight back up again and then smash, crash down on the floor.
So you need to put loads of trampolines down to bounce from one to the other.
See, you've got to use your head in situations like this.
So I think I would be the smartest, cleverest person.
Me too.
Because like you said, you'd be able to solve all the problems.
But also, if you were the most beautiful person in the world, people would be strange with you.
Can you imagine?
Because they would...
Because they would desire you so much.
They would think you're so beautiful.
They would want to have you.
Do you know what I mean?
They would want to kiss you.
All the boys would want to kiss you.
Yeah, you wouldn't be able to have a normal relationship with anyone.
Yeah.
Everyone would be incredibly weird and creepy with you all the time.
Yeah.
It would be awful.
Yes.
You know, there's only... Like all the boys would do...
All the boys would be trying to talk to you all the time.
And you'd be like, can you just leave me alone?
I'm trying to eat a sandwich.
Can I just eat my sandwich in peace?
And like, that's a fantastic sandwich.
I just love the way you eat that sandwich.
Oh God, it'd be terrible.
In the microphone.
They would like kiss you like.
They'd try to.
And you'd be like, get off me.
Did I say you could do that?
No, I didn't.
It would be terrible.
Yeah.
Right, so next question.
Would you rather be imprisoned for a murder that you didn't commit or for a murder that you did commit?
Would you rather be imprisoned for a murder that you didn't commit or a murder that you did commit?
I'm actually going to throw the question back to you.
Would you rather be imprisoned, so put in prison, for a murder that you didn't commit?
So it's like, you'll go to jail for 25 years, but I didn't do it.
Jail.
Or go to jail for 25 years.
Okay, I did it.
I murdered someone.
So which one?
Well, the second one, of course.
Sorry, what?
Murdered someone.
You want to murder someone?
No, I don't.
Ah.
Don't fiddle with the microphone.
I don't want to, but like you see, I don't want to, but like it's worse if you're going to prison.
Is it?
So you're thinking, if I'm going to prison, I might as well murder someone.
I'm going to prison anyway, you know, so free pass.
I'm going to spend 25 years to life in prison, so I might as well kill someone for it rather than go in there for nothing.
Yeah.
No, I don't agree.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, because it's bad to do it.
Yeah, you forgot.
It's bad to murder someone.
LAUGHTER, who would you murder?
Who would you murder?
It's like you're gonna go to prison for 25 years.
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
Let me just murder someone first.
Who is it?
Who are you gonna murder?
I'm gonna murder um, one of the persons who are in prison, one of the other prisoners.
No, they don't deserve that, do they?
They're already in prison.
I don't know if anyone deserves to be killed.
Yeah.
Yeah, I don't think so.
Listeners, you can send us your suggestions.
Actually, don't.
Don't, because that would be inappropriate, wouldn't it?
Send us your kill lists to luketeacher at hotmail.com.
Actually, yes.
Send us.
No, don't.
Don't.
I don't want that in my inbox.
It's going to look very weird.
Plus, I don't want to know who everyone wants to kill.
Yeah, but no killing or thing.
I'd like to murder my next-door neighbour because he keeps... I don't know what.
His apple tree keeps dropping apples into my garden.
And he refuses to prune the branches of the tree, so I'd like to murder him.
That's from John Smith on King Road in Norbury, England.
That's the sort of email we'd end up getting.
Not that John Smith listens to this podcast, but you never know, because everyone listens to this.
I would rather be imprisoned.
Not everyone.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Even the people who are in Norway?
Even the people who are in... Even Norwegians.
All of them.
There's even one who doesn't listen?
No, I'm just joking.
Yeah.
I don't have many listeners in Norway.
Only one, maybe.
I don't know.
I haven't checked.
Maybe zero.
I have some, but their English is so good, isn't it that they're like I do not need to listen to Luke's English podcast.
I think you might do, because you need to learn how to pronounce podcast.
No, they're very good at English.
So, I would rather be imprisoned for not killing someone than killing.
If, you know, it's just because it's just a reminder for you.
As a seven-year-old, you need to be reminded of these things.
Killing someone is wrong.
Very, very bad.
Right.
Next question from me to you.
Would you rather... No, because I only did two before you did a lot.
All right, then, seven-year-old.
Hey, would you rather have to turn 10 kilometers... No, no, no.
Would you rather have to run 10 kilometers?
Go on.
Would you rather have to run 10 kilometers right now without stopping or not?
Well, no, not.
Ask the question again, please.
Would you rather have to turn 10 kilometres to run 10... Start again.
Would you rather have to run 10 kilometres right now without stopping or not?
Oh, that's a tough question, but I think I'm going to go not.
Me too.
Not.
Who would choose to do that anyway right now?
Yeah.
I mean, some people run 10 kilometres a day without stopping.
They get up in the morning, they get their sneakers on and other clothes, presumably.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And off they go, and they run 10 kilometres and they don't stop, and then they come back, and then they start their day.
Crazy people, basically.
There are crazy people in the world.
And then they're so mighty.
They are mighty and strong and better than everyone else.
No, I think it's probably a very healthy thing to do.
Yeah.
And it probably makes you feel fantastic, doesn't it, if you do that?
But no, not for me.
Thanks.
Yeah, not for me.
So, would you rather...
Would you rather have the legs of a dog or the face of a turkey?
Wait a minute.
Wait, the legs of a dog or the face of a turkey?
Yeah.
Well... Or the legs of the dog because dogs can jump very high and dogs can go very fastly.
Fast.
Yeah, fast.
Yeah, this is true.
And also, have you seen the face of a turkey?
They look bloody awful.
Yes.
Let me tell you.
Actually, yes, I saw.
They look bloody awful.
They've got... The legs of a dog who are bloody beautiful.
We shouldn't say this bloody word too much.
It's just a bit of a joke, really.
Yeah.
They're absolutely beautiful.
Some dogs have got beautiful legs, have they really?
Okay.
Wait.
And B, obviously, your arms would be dog legs too.
Oh.
But... at least you wouldn't have to face the face of a turkey.
You wouldn't be able to walk on all floors, all fours, without your dog legs, but but you would have to do your best to totter around on the back and you clearly wouldn't have hands.
Okay, so the point is there that not only do you have back legs, which are dog's legs, but your arms and hands are also dog's legs.
And you wouldn't be able to, he says, you wouldn't be able to walk around on all fours like a dog.
You'd have to try to stand up on your hind legs and totter around like a human, but you're on dog legs and you wouldn't have hands.
So it's not great, is it?
But it's still better than having the face of a turkey.
Yeah.
Because, I mean, I'd still be able to probably be on Luke's English podcast.
Yeah.
I'd just have to keep my arms down.
I'd find a way to like press record on my computer and then I'd just hold my arms down and you'd still be able to see my head and face.
I'd just zoom the camera in a little bit more so you can't see my arms, and it would just be business as usual.
But if I had the face of a turkey, that would be hideous, wouldn't it?
Yeah.
Right, okay.
Yeah, but can you change your face on the podcast?
Yeah, well, yeah, you can.
You can create like a weird digital avatar, but no one wants to see that.
They want to see my beautiful face, don't they?
Yeah.
Would you rather have a conversation with a dolphin or an elephant?
A dolphin.
Why?
Because they're so cute.
Yeah, but, I mean, are they going to make good conversation?
Is that a dolphin?
Yes.
Dolphins are like... Aren't they?
So, dolphin or elephant?
Dolphin, because they're cute.
But there's got to be more to it than that.
They're cute and... They're quite intelligent, aren't they?
The dolphins are known for being some of the most intelligent animal species.
So you think to yourself, what stories do they have to tell us of the deep ocean?
What mysteries of the undersea?
You'd say to it, dolphin, please tell me of the mysteries of the deep ocean.
What stories do you have for me?
And the dolphin would go... And you'd go, wow, that's wonderful.
I mean, it doesn't mean that the dolphin can speak English.
Daddy, daddy, daddy, I want just...
Yeah, but after, you could take your phone and just make it like this.
Record it, record it.
Yeah, and then put it on your other, to know what it means on the telephone.
Like a speech to text.
Yeah.
Yeah, maybe use AI or something like that.
Yeah.
Yeah, I think probably I would have a conversation with a dolphin, because they've got such a different experience, different life under the water.
A what?
An elephant.
Yeah, yeah.
Well, maybe they can't see us and also they can...
What, they've got a big trunk?
Yeah, and also they can... Let's simulate that, okay?
You're you and I'm an elephant.
Let's have a little conversation.
Go on.
Hello, elephant.
Hello, I'm an elephant.
What do elephants do?
Well, we walk around and touch things with our noses, our trunks, and investigate things.
And we live a very long, long time.
And we like to spend time with our families and move a few logs around if you want me to.
And...
That's about it, really.
We never forget things.
But then again, we don't have a lot of very interesting things to remember.
There's a lot of walking and moving logs and... That's more or less it, I think, yes.
Do you have any other questions?
Is your life boring?
Not really for me to say.
I don't know.
I'm perfectly fine as far as I'm concerned.
I don't know.
As a human like you, you might find it boring, but I don't know.
Is it particularly boring as far as I'm concerned?
What do you think?
Okay.
Right, now I'm a dolphin.
Hello, dolphin.
I don't speak English.
You are so, so cute.
Oh, okay.
Well, let's see how I do speak English now.
Yeah.
Oh, that's nice.
You got anything, any questions for me?
What's, like, mysterious things under sea?
Oh, well, I saw a shipwreck once.
That was pretty good.
Yeah, a big shipwreck.
And lots of treasure as well.
Loads of treasure.
Just tons of it.
Just all sorts of treasure everywhere.
Loads.
Just nothing but treasure.
All on the floor.
And I saw a big spaceship under the water.
Yeah, that's right.
Just floating around.
Aliens inside.
Yeah, absolutely fascinating.
And also a big door on the floor of the sea.
And you can just open the door.
And it's like it goes into a big room in the middle of the earth.
It's all hollow.
Yeah.
See, what you didn't realize is that dolphins are liars.
They just lie all the time.
So either you're going to have a very boring conversation with an elephant, or you're going to have a very frustrating conversation with a dolphin who's just lying compulsively all the time.
So which one?
I think the dolphins still.
Yeah, still.
Well, because it's good to have their little stories.
Yeah, exactly.
It's like, well, this is going to be fun.
At least it's not boring.
And also elephants are like oh, it takes like a million days.
Right then, this might be the last question i'm asking.
Don't do it, don't go into whinge mode.
I'm asking you this question.
This is the.
This is the last question probably, of the podcast, and we finally got to it.
Are you ready?
Would you rather yes, would you rather, have an extra thumb on each hand, so each hand's got two thumbs, Or be able to shoot poo out of your bum like a cannon?
I know.
Well?
Have an extra thumb.
Extra thumb.
Okay, could you explain your answer?
Well, because you see, well, poo is disgusting.
Into the microphone, please.
Not poo.
Speak into the microphone.
Well, poo is very, very, very, very disgusting thing.
Yes.
People would be like, would go just further away from us and never be our friends.
But I mean, it could be used as quite an effective weapon against enemies.
Couldn't it?
Yeah, but if your friends are coming around, I mean, I'm assuming that you can control it, that you decide when and where and in which direction you shoot the poo out like a cannon.
Right?
I mean, you could probably control it, I'm assuming.
But you'd rather have the thumbs, the extra thumbs.
Can you imagine how that would be useful?
Well, because, like, if one of the friends is injured, I can use the other one.
You've got a backup thumb.
Yeah.
Sort of a substitute thumb in reserve.
Mm-hmm.
That's true.
But also, I mean, the thumb... is one of the most useful parts of our body.
In fact, the thumb is what marks us out.
The opposable thumb is a thing that marks us out from so many other species of animal that this single thing, the fact we have this thumb that can help us close our fist around something, help us hold something, allows us to manipulate objects in such sophisticated ways.
There aren't that many other animals, especially mammals, that have that ability.
They're obviously the apes and so on, who have a similar level of um, you know control as us, but it makes a huge difference to the things we can do that we are way more powerful with the opposable thumb, so if we have two, who knows what we could achieve?
Right?
We can achieve all sorts of incredible things with our double thumbs.
Yeah.
So I think it would be the advantage.
But then again, firing poo out of your bum like a cannon.
There's more information.
Would you like the extra information?
The thumbs would be on the opposite side of your hands to your original thumbs.
So your two thumbs would not be next to each other.
You'd have a thumb on one side and a thumb on the other side, which I think is...
Extra useful.
Yeah.
And this would give you all kinds of advantages when it comes to opening or manipulating objects.
You can actually purchase mechanical extra thumbs that you operate with your feet.
And he's serious, actually.
You actually can buy mechanical thumbs that you operate with your feet.
I suppose these are to replace your real thumbs.
If they got lost.
You can replace them with mechanical ones.
Uh, these ones that he's talking about here would be actual extra thumbs.
You could hitchhike in two different directions with just one hand.
Imagine that well, you increase your chances of being picked up by a car while hitchhiking by A hundred percent.
Because you'd have... What's hitchhiking?
Hitchhiking is when you put your thumb out.
We saw people doing it in Norway.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
You stick your thumb out, you stand by the side of the road because you want someone to pick you up and take you somewhere.
Yeah.
That's hitchhiking.
And if you've got double thumbs, you've got more chance of being picked up, right?
Why?
It's just a joke.
It's just a joke.
Hilarious.
Now... the poo cannon, you would not be able to cause any destruction with the poo cannon.
So that sort of wipes out one of the only advantages I could imagine.
But if someone was hit with the poo, they would get poo on them.
Yeah, well, yeah, of course.
But it would also be fun as a sort of scatological firework show or maybe a tribute at a funeral.
I don't know what kind of tribute that would be.
Wait, what's a funeral?
A funeral is when someone has died and there's like a sort of ceremony in a church and the person is in the coffin and then they're buried in the ground or they're cremated.
Why are you using their poo?
Exactly.
I mean, sometimes there are different tributes to people.
For example, they have these gun salutes, like soldiers fire guns into the air as a tribute.
Or maybe other things are done, other forms of tribute are done.
Ah, so that means they could fire a pooch.
You could, you know, bend over, pull down your pants and fire and do a special tribute to your father.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah, but the person next to you would be like, what is he doing?
What is Luke Thompson doing?
No, what is Ivy Thompson doing?
Well, it's what her father wanted.
He requested it specifically in his will.
So I think we all agree that the extra thumbs would be the better option in that case.
So this was our podcast.
Thank you very much for listening, everyone, and for getting all the way to this point.
We would love to know your thoughts and your responses to some of those questions.
We would love to know.
So pick any question that you want that you've heard in the episode and leave your considered comments.
Comment in the comments section.
Think really carefully about your answer, because obviously this is very serious business that we're dealing with here.
We'd like to know your answers.
So do write them in the comments section.
And to prove that you got all the way to this point, I'd like you to use the word tribute in your comment.
So that means that listeners, when they leave a comment, if they use the word tribute, it shows that they have listened all the way until the end of the episode.
You see uh, so you know, there's a variety of ways you could use the word tribute.
You could do something as a tribute to someone.
Um, this episode is a tribute to something, it's a tribute to your sense of humor, or something.
I suppose people could choose to write that comment or anything else that comes to mind.
Um, That would be great.
Did you learn anything from doing this?
Well, I don't really know.
I think you did.
I think you gained a lot of wisdom from me today.
Yes, I think.
This has been a very, very educational experience for you, I suppose.
Not to mention the confidence that you've gained from this experience.
Thank you very much for your contribution.
I really hope that people enjoyed listening to this.
Me too.
And that they learnt a thing or two.
And I will speak to you on the podcast very soon.
Do you want to say goodbye to the Lepsters?
Bye-bye, Lepsters.
Thank you for listening.
Speak to you next time.
But for now, it's just time to say goodbye.
Bye.
Bye.
Bye.
Bye.
Goodbye.
Goodbye.
Thanks for listening to Luke's English Podcast.
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