Come on, come on.
Damn it.
Okay.
One more time.
Mama needs a new jet ski and track bastard.
How you doing there, Connie?
Hey, Vincent.
What brings you to Louisiana?
Wait, don't tell me.
You're here to see Tony Orlando.
Afraid not.
Well, you ought to check him out while he'll knock your socks off.
I like my socks on.
Connie, you're putting me in a very awkward position.
I want a toaster oven playing Keno.
You want it?
I got one.
I want my money.
All right.
Hang on.
It's a very nice jacket, you looking dapper.
Hey, they comp my room here.
They do that for you?
Actually, they frown upon my presence here.
Oh.
I also get a coupon for the breakfast buffet.
You should look into that.
Constance!
Patience, Vincenzo.
All right, now we're talking.
Will you take a down payment in quarters?
Do I have a choice?
Start scooping.
I gotta go see Tony Orlando.
Hey!
Hey, I need another cup!
Duke North Carolina's about to start.
Want a piece?
Yeah, baby.
Give me the points on Duke for a nickel.
All right.
A nickel?
That's a silly bet.
It's 50 bucks.
1,000 nickels?
That's silly.
I must say, this is a side of you I've never seen before.
You're all right with it, aren't you?
Oh, sure.
When are you going to give that man your $50?
Don't worry about it.
Hit me.
I'm a little worried.
Okay, well, I was just hoping we could do something together.
For God's sake, John, I'm getting my ass kicked here.
I'm sorry.
I think I need to apologize.
I know you do.
I'm very sorry.
Sometimes when things aren't going my way, I just get a little cranky.
May I ask you a personal question?
Sure.
Does your gambling constitute a problem?
Not today.
Bam!
Come on.
Let me take you out to dinner.
Don't forget that you promised Sheldon if you won, you'd donate to the church.
You want to see me get cranky again?
No, I don't.
Well, let's go strap on some bibs and eat lobster.
Whoa!
Can I ask you a favor?
Sure, what?
You know those statistics that you were talking about with your dad?
Could that be applied to, say, who might win the Cowboys-Packers game next week?
And more specifically, by how much?
I suppose with enough data, I could make a reasonable guess.
I don't want to guess.
I want to know.
Mom said you're not supposed to gamble.
Sleep, child.
Mom?
In here.
I'll get those numbers to you tomorrow.
Hey, there's my little moon pie.
Did you get a chance to look at this week's games for me?
Not yet.
You understand there's a little time crunch involved.
Meemaw's got some outstanding loans I need to pay back.
I'm sorry.
I have to finish my homework, and then I have to help my dad.
Come on.
I'm here, Meemaw.
I make you cookies.
How about a little quid pro quo?
As much as I enjoy your use of Latin, no.
Extricating myself from this situation was not going to be easy.
My father was counting on me.
Meemaw was counting on me.
The school was counting on me.
After much thought, I decided to employ the one strategic maneuver I knew I could count on.
I tattled.
Mom?
Hey.
Hello.
So...
Oilers are a four-point favorite for this Sunday's game, but it's a home game so I'm thinking I give the points.
What do you think?
I think I have to tell on you again.
Go ahead.
What's your mama going to do, ground me?
Take the Oilers.
Give the points.
I love you, Moon Pie.
For the record, the Oilers lost that game by four touchdowns.
Meemaw never asked for my advice again.
I bet a nickel.
Hang on there a minute, Moon Pie.
I want to teach you something.
Look at your cards, and then look in the mirror.
Hey, I'm smiling.
Uh-huh.
And what does that tell me about your cards?
That I like them.
Attaboy.
Now...
Look at my face.
Tell me what you see.
That you're old.
It's a good thing I love you.
I'm going to look at my cards again.
You're unhappy.
Which means?
You don't have good cards.
Mm-hmm.
So I'm going to see you, Nickel, and raise you a quarter.
Quarter?
You can fold.
No, I have good cards.
You have bad cards.
I'm in.
Nines and fives.
That's too bad.
Three queens.
You lose.
What?
But you were unhappy.
I made you think I was unhappy.
But that's lying.
You lied to your moon pie.
I bluffed my moon pie.
Do people know about this?
Sheldon, what's on a person's face? is not always what's in their heart.
Well, this changes everything.
How do you know who to trust?
You don't.
That's what makes life interesting.
What the haggle?
Negotiating.
You start high, they offer less, then you meet somewhere in the middle.
Leaves them feeling like you know they got a deal.
Did they?
Not if you did it right.
How much are we getting paid today?
You're not getting paid squat.
You're helping out your Meemaw.
That doesn't seem fair.
Yeah, we should get something.
Fine.
How much you want?
$5.
Each.
Each.
That's pretty steep.
How about I give you a buck a piece?
What's meat in the middle?
$3 each.
Now we're haggling.
Let me ask you a question.
If you break something today, are you prepared to cover the cost of that?
No.
Well, we're going to have to factor that in.
And did you bring your own lunch?
You said we were getting pizza.
Well, I did, but pizza ain't free.
And I'm teaching about negotiating, which is a pretty valuable life lesson, right?
Yeah.
I guess so.
So if my math is right, you owe me $2 each.
We owe you?
The numbers don't lie.
Dang it.
All right, listen.
I love you and your family, so If you do it for nothing, we'll call it even.
Take it, take it, take it.
You got yourself a deal.
Y'all drive a hard bargain.
Now start bringing that crap outside.
Or was I?
Oh, yes, laundromats.
My Meemaw also loved them, but for an entirely different reason.
Personally, I don't care for bananas.
It's a texture thing.
There you go.
Yeah, a big night.
Yeah.
You can just put it on my tab.
Yeah, actually, I'm gonna need you to cash out.
How come?
I'm fixing to close up for good.
What?
Why?
I'll spend more time with the grandkids.
I got grandkids, too.
Why do you think I'm here so much?
So who's going to take over this place?
Guess what?
I'm buying a laundromat.
I don't know how to react.
Is that good news?
Oh, yeah.
Laundromat.
Cool.
My Meemaw began to realize the problem with running a gambling den in the back of a laundromat was it's still connected to a laundromat.
I put five pairs of undies in here, and now there are four.
Your machine ate my undies.
There's a lost and found box right over there in the corner.
Just take all you want.
I don't want a stranger's undies.
Then let's find your precious undies.
Look how many rhinestones fell off in the dryer.
It says right here, do not tumble dry.
No label's going to tell me what to do.
I am not in the mood for Texas right now.
What do you want from me?
Well, what size is yours?
No.
What's going on?
Are you Connie Tucker?
Well, this sucks.
You fancy yourself a bit of an entrepreneur, don't you?
I like to think so.
And now that you're not in school anymore, I bet you want to take your career to the next level.
What kind of entrepreneur would I be if I didn't?
Well, this is your lucky day because I have quite the opportunity.
How would you like to manage a business all on your own?
That'd be amazing.
Be your own boss.
Call the shots.
Hell yeah.
What is it?
Managing a laundromat.
No way.
Oh, now, come on.
You're perfect for this.
I'm a salesman.
There's nothing there to sell.
You got a bunch of bored people with their pockets full of quarters.
You can't sell them something?
Then you're not the entrepreneur I thought you were.
That ain't gonna work on me.
And this is why you're management material.
Nice try places.
Wall-to-wall girls.
Why didn't you lead with that?
You said girls.
They were girls once, not in this century.
Listen, I need you to help me with this.
I don't want to run this dump.
Then why'd you buy it?
I'm retired.
I thought it might be fun get me out of the house And you picked a laundromat.
It seemed like a better opportunity at the moment.
What happened?
You get tricked by a con man?
No.
It's all right.
Happens to a lot of people your age.
Come with me.
A secret casino room?
Yeah.
The cops shut me down.
That is so cool.
Very cool.
I got a room full of slot machines I can't turn on and a room full of washing machines I don't want.
Let's get this going again.
I can't.
I'm on their radar now.
That sucks.
This is not how I saw this playing out.
Hey, you took a shot.
That's impressive.
I guess.
I mean, most folks your age have someone cutting up their food.
That's enough.
Well, I still think you're a badass.
Thank you.
We should probably get back out there.
Oh, I ain't working for you, but I'm rooting for you.
67 years old, scraping tootsie roll out of a clothes dryer.
Hey!
What do you want?
I want to help you out.
Oh, I knew you'd come back.
Listen, I got most of it, but there's this one chunk in there that won't let go.
I'm not here to work.
I'm here with the answers to all your problems.
And what is that?
How to get your back room up and running again.
I'm listening.
I was thinking about Chuck E. Cheese.
Oh, God.
Hear me out.
Your payouts were in cash.
That's illegal.
When you play games with Chuck E. Cheese, you win tickets.
Those tickets are traded for prizes.
That's legal.
You just need to do the same thing.
People play your machines.
Now, the credits they win get exchanged for stuffed animals.
Then you buy those stuffed animals back for cash.
No laws broken, and you're back in business.
That's the stupidest thing I ever heard.
Why?
Because I don't run a carnival.
Grown-up people don't gamble to win a teddy bear.
You're not getting it.
I'm getting that it's dumb.
I'm trying to help you.
If you really wanted to help me, you would stick your head in there and start scraping.
I guess I'll just sell the place.
If I take a bath, so be it.
I don't know.
I got a realtor friend I might be able to help.
You mean like your cop friend who shut me down?
Yeah, that wasn't great.
What about Georgie's idea?
That dumb Chuck E. Cheese thing?
Dale, come on.
Actually, I think it's kind of brilliant.
You think that grown-ups are going to gamble for some stuffed animals?
Yeah, that you're buying back from them.
Well, a teddy bear's only worth a couple of bucks.
It's worth whatever you say it's worth.
They win $100, and it's worth $100.
It seems I owe you an apology.
Come on in.
Since when did we start advertising gambling rooms?
What?
It's a laundromat.
Yeah.
And the massage parlor off the freeway is for stiff necks.
Well, that is a legitimate business.
My mother owns it.
My son works there.
You say so.
I do say so.
Fine.
It's true.
I'd say want to bet, but I lost $40 last night at your mom's legitimate business.
Are you running a gambling room in the back of the laundromat?
What?
No.
Peg says she was there last night.
Oh, gambling room.
Yeah.
What are you thinking?
You know gambling is illegal.
Why do you care how people spend their money?
Gambling destroys lives.
That's what you say about booze.
I think it's an excellent pairing.
Wait.
Does Georgie know about all this?
Um.
Oh, my lord.
It's OK.
I'm looking after him.
What if the police show up?
Don't you worry about them.
We got an understanding.
What does that mean?
I'd explain it to you, but you wouldn't understand.
You are unbelievable.
If it is bad enough for you to do all this stuff, but then to drag Georgie down into your den of sin.
Oh, please.
It's not a den of sin.
Although that is a great name.
Den of sin.
That would get some butts in seats.
Georgie?
Hey, what are you doing here?
I know about the room in the back.
Do you know whether or not I know?
Yes.
OK.
That's going to save us a lot of time.
It is not OK.
You are quitting right now.
Why would I do that?
Because I am your mother, and it is wrong.
Well, I'm working for your mother, and she says it's OK.
And I answer to a higher power, and he says it's also wrong, so I went, let's go.
Mom, please don't make a big deal out of this.
Oh, so there is an illegal gambling room in the back, and it's no big deal.
There's a gambling room back there?
And there is a church two blocks down, so maybe try that.
Just go around to the alley.
The password is dryer sheet.
This is not a joke.
I'm worried about your soul.
I'm not gambling.
No one's getting hurt.
Georgie, I know you think that.
But this does hurt people.
It's not my business what people do with their money.
And it ain't your business either, so butt out.
Maybe we could give out punch cards like they do at the sandwich shop.
Punch cards for what?
You know, every 10 times you come here, you get a free play.
What's to keep people from punching it themselves?
I'm getting me a free sandwich.
Sounds like you're doing okay down here.
Oh, I'm doing better than okay.
I hit big.
Whoa, $11,000?
That can't be right.
Well, I see two ones and three zeros.
Last time I checked, that's 11,000.
How did this happen?
I got three bananas and it asked me if I wanted to parlay and I said well, that sounds like fun.
So I hit that button and I went woo-hoo because I won.
This has got to be a glitch.
Go get a manual and then look up glitch.
We have a manual?
Just find one.
Is there a problem?
No, of course not.
That's OK.
You don't have to pay me.
Of course I do.
Good, then pay me.
Found the manual.
Great.
This is for the washing machines.
I'll be back.
So Georgie found the manual and figured out what the problem was.
I know the problem.
I cleaned you out.
Because when these machines get unplugged, they reset at the highest possible payout.
Wow, sounds like your problem.
Well.
I don't have $11,000.
I understand.
Thank you.
So what are you going to do about it?
Well, obviously lunch is on me.
Oh, wow.
The whole lunch?
Even the little frilly toothpicks?
What do you want me to do?
Make me a partner.
What?
No.
I already brought Georgie in.
I have to pay the police off?
I can't have another hand in the till.
Sounds like you're a problem again.
I'll take a beer.
Celebrating a win?
No, I've been losing all morning.
Couple more of them, you won't give a crap.
Let's hope.
What the hell are you doing?
Making extra money.
Are you crazy?
You're going to get us all arrested.
You're paying off the cops, ain't you?
For gambling.
You start selling liquor without a license, you're asking for trouble.
I'm having a baby.
I need cash.
Well, think of something else.
Can I have a raise?
Are you selling that or drinking it?
Give me that.
Hey.
How is this empty already?
Here's my lunch.
If we can't sell beer, what about cigarettes?
We can make money and keep people from leaving to go buy more.
That's not a bad idea.
I could go down to Walmart, buy some cartons.
We can mark them up like crazy.
Reminds me of when I was young and we used to go down across the border and get them cheap in Mexico.
How cheap?
Well, between the taxes and the peso, practically nothing.
Let's do that.
Well, I'm not driving to Mexico.
I don't need you.
I'll go.
Where do I go?
I'm not telling you.
Why?
Because you're dumb in this country.
God knows what you are anywhere else.
Fine.
I'll just head south and see where it takes me.
I'm impressed you knew it was south.
How was your day?
Awful.
Oh, well, I have good news.
I could use it.
I got a job at the Bowman Alley.
Working with Brenda?
Every day.
That is really, really good news.
Mm-hmm.
Hello?
Hey, George, it's Connie.
What's up?
George, you and I ran into a little problem at the border.
What border?
The Mexican one.
We got arrested.
What?
All right, those look good.
Well, hold on.
How do we know they work?
Kind of operation.
You think i'm running here?
Well, i don't know.
The word sketchy comes to mind.
Be cool, you mind, if we plug a couple in mind.
If you show me the money sure, turn around why you want the money or not.
Okay, 20 grand.
Light them up.
That's the sexiest thing I've ever seen in my life.
Really?
Well, I just took my pants off.
So what do you say?
You want to give it another chance?
Hang on.
Just give me a straight answer.
I'm a big boy.
I can take it.
I think we're being followed.
What?
No.
The pickup truck?
The orange Pinto.
I saw it when we gassed up.
It's been two cars back ever since.
I'm gonna speed up and see what happens.
So what do you want, Dennis?
Couldn't help noticing you got Texas plates on that truck.
Operating poker machines ain't legal in Texas.
So what are you, a cop?
No, no, I'm just a guy who might call the cops, you know, if we don't come to an arrangement.
Can I take your order?
Thank you, honey.
You know, I got a hankering for chicken fried steak.
Gravy on top, but only if it's cream gravy.
And the mashed potatoes with more cream gravy on top and uh, iced tea.
When you can, no gravy on that.
And how about for you two?
I'm gonna use your restroom.
He knows what i like.
You're leaving.
Uh-huh, i got a tinkle.
Uh, i guess i'll have the waffles and the lady will have.
So what do you think?
Well, Dennis, I'm not the guy to talk to.
Why don't we wait for the boss to finish tinkling?
But I do got to tell you, this is my first shakedown.
Don't think of it like that.
It's just a business arrangement.
Well, I've been a businessman for 38 years, and I don't think I've ever been threatened before.
What kind of business you in?
Hello?
Huh?
What kind of business you in?
Groomer.
Dog groomer.
Cats if you make me, but I pretty much love the doggies.
You ever do birds?
Birds got feathers and they're self-grooming.
Yeah, I always thought cats were self-grooming.
Well, people think that, but no.
You gotta dip a cat once in a while.
Well, okay then.
Where are you going?
Dennis, I am really sorry about this.
Who's baby?
Ma.
And you brought her to a gambling room?
Why not?
There's flashing lights and fun noises.
It's basically Chuck E. Cheese.
Can I touch your head for luck?
No.
Come on.
I just washed my hands.
Make it quick.
Come on, baby.
Uncle Wade needs a win.
All right, that's enough.
That's what I'm talking about.
I told you babies is good luck.
Can I touch your head too?
All right.
No one else is touching my baby's head.
For free.
How much?
Five bucks.
Worth it.
Sold.
Really?
It's fine.
He's got like 15 grandkids.
We'll get back to that.
I have spent my day listening to Mandy bitch about you.
I don't suppose you stuck up for me.
No.
If you really want to be with that girl, you will not be the one to stand in her way.
I'm not trying to.
I just want to do what's best for Cece.
Obviously.
Don't you think she deserves a mom who's home with her?
I think she deserves a mom who is happy and supported by her dad.
Huh.
Why is that woman touching her head?
I'll handle it.
Hey, you gotta pay for that.
Okay, everybody, get away from the window.
Come on.
Is there someplace we can shelter?
Should we move everybody somewhere else?
I thought you didn't want to put you-know-who somewhere else.
Everybody, follow me.
Come on.
Are we all gonna fit in there?
Maybe God will provide a miracle.
What is all this?
I can't believe you're running a gambling route.
Well, it's keeping us safe right now, so maybe the Lord works in mysterious ways.
Ooh, that's good.
Or maybe he sent that storm so I could save all these souls.
Ooh, that's good, too.
Well, if we're gonna save our souls, we're gonna have to survive.
How about you put in a word with your boss?
Right.
Everyone, hold hands.
Dear Lord, Connie, I am so sorry.
Thank you.
I want you to know I'm not going to do anything about what I saw today.
You've been through enough.
It's been quite a day.
