These are my personal opinions.
Always seek a professional when you're making choices about your mental health and well -being.
Welcome to the show.
I've been on the air since 2013, so as of this recording, 22 years.
Completely meaningless to most people, but I think that's an accomplishment.
I like to look at it and remember that every job, I don't really consider this a job, but this is what I do for my life work.
Every job that I've had lasted at the most four years.
And I think when you find something that outlasts your average, you're probably on the right track unless you feel stuck.
stuck. Fortunately, I don't feel stuck, so I'm not in there, but I think that's a good gauge.
Like if you have a relationship that's going pretty well and it's lasted longer than your other relationships, then you're probably on the right track.
Same thing with a job, same thing with a place to live.
Common sense, I know, but I look at that, my past, I look at my my work history, my careers, which were mostly in technology.
And then I started podcasting and blogging in 2013, getting out of the technology field into it.
Well, the technology field I was in was computers, getting into audio equipment because I had to learn all that.
I had to learn the hardware and just shifting, transforming my life.
And it was really difficult.
cult. Back in 2013, I was working in a hospital doing computer work.
I was working for their IT department and I had a history of coaching and hypnosis and psychology and helping people through all kinds of stuff.
I used to have a coaching business before that, but I needed to make an income and I wasn't very good at making an income doing that stuff back then.
I still had issues I had to deal with.
And so, um, uh, a few years of this technology stuff that I was doing got me back on track and gave me a few more years to develop confidence and security and competence to be able to move forward, to be able to, uh, start a blog and start a podcast because I finally felt confident in, in myself enough to share what I know with the world.
and I got to that point because when you help a certain number of people you feel more confident after helping them and they give you good feedback and that just helps you along.
This is the path that you probably should take when people give you that good feedback and so that's what I did.
I got that good feedback and at the same time I said I was working in the hospital and I thought they were going to put me on as full -time and they didn't and that really changed my mindset I finally said that's it I'm not going to work for anybody else who promises one thing and does another I have to do something on my own and so I started my show I started blogging and I didn't make money for years I just did it for free I actually I don't If anyone cares about this story, but I'm going to tell you anyway, I actually built my runway.
I had about 20 grand in the bank.
I saved it. And because I had that money in the bank, I knew that I could survive for a little while while I built whatever I was building, the overwhelmed brain, the blog, the podcast, and eventually Love and Abuse in 2019.
And so I used that money to not work for somebody else and work for myself.
And again, didn't make any money for years.
I actually ended up, that was like a crazy time.
My divorce surprised me and I had to move back to New Hampshire and live with my mom for a while.
And it was, it was interesting.
thing I had to go through some personal changes and practice what I teach. Practice what I teach on the air.
If you want to know why I tell so many personal stories, it's because so much of what I teach is what I went through and what I had to do to heal myself.
When my divorce was was finalized, I thought that I could find somebody else to make me happy.
And I asked myself, what am I doing?
I just got divorced and I'm going to search for somebody else to make me happy.
Do I need someone else to be the source of my happiness?
And I told myself, no, you shouldn't be doing that.
That is probably dysfunctional, Paul.
You should look at that.
and you're still wounded.
You shouldn't bring your wounded self into a relationship.
And so I had to look at that too.
And I said, okay, if that's the case, then I cannot go out on dates.
I can't meet new people.
I'm going to stay single.
And that's what I chose to do.
There's a bigger story that I've told before.
Like, uh, I met the person who was now my wife, Asha back then at that time when I chose to stay single and we became friends and that's it and that's all I wanted and I told her that and she was cool with that too and we ended up talking every day as good friends and then eventually when I was ready when I was healed and when she considered that it might be neat to have a relationship we decided to try it out and then And fast forward 10 years, here we are 11 years.
Now fast forward to this point in time and thank God I chose to heal because if I brought my unhealed self into the relationship, there might've been a dysfunctional reliance on her to fulfill me, to make me happy, to complete me, you know, that famous movie line.
And I don't want somebody to complete me.
I don't think we should get people to complete us.
I think we should connect with people to share life together if that's what you want.
And that could be a friendship.
That could be even just somebody you meet once a week or once a month for game night.
I appreciate that I can share my life with somebody else who wants to share their life with me.
And that's how I see a healthy relationship.
relationship it can become dysfunctional when we have a reliance on another person as our source of happiness as our source of anything that they like we are drawing from them in some way if i made asha my sole source of happiness and if she left me if she died i mean of course i'm going to be devastated but if she was my sole source of happiness this where would i be i wouldn't be able to draw from myself that emotional energy reservoir inside of me and when we draw it from someone else we can draw their energy from them energy is kind of a vague word here but you you know the feeling when somebody
kind of draws from you they they make you feel drained when you're around them and those who make you feel drained i avoid those people i think it's okay to avoid people who drain you so that you can walk around filled with your own source and we can talk source we can talk god we can talk the universe however you define your source there is a reservoir that you can draw from and we all have it we may not feel that way all the time but we all have it there are times i have not felt that at all and if i had heard somebody tell me this i would have said you're wrong and now i know No, that's not true.
It's in there. The problem is when we're in a down state, we can't access it all the time.
We don't know it's there.
We might need somebody.
I'm not saying that when you're down that you shouldn't find somebody else as a support system or have somebody else's shoulder to cry on or whatever.
Absolutely. Friends, family, our partners, whatever.
They're good people to have around when they are supportive.
But when they're not there and we feel alone and unsupported, then what do we do?
We have to get it from somewhere.
It can be difficult.
This reminds me of people who become wealthy, very wealthy, and they're a public speaker.
And then they go on stage and then they say, money isn't everything.
That's easy. Don't worry about money.
money. I'm thinking, yeah, it's easy for you to say because you have all that money and you don't have to worry about it.
So you've already passed that part of Maslow's hierarchy of needs, which is basically saying we need all these basics in our lives so we can feel at least somewhat comfortable so we can get to the next level of our wants and desires and things like like that.
So money might be up there with food and shelter and because it's our bartering system in the world and so on and so on.
So money is important when we need it.
And then when one gets to a certain point and they have enough money, they might look back and say, well, money isn't as important as I thought it was.
They get to a point where, okay, my needs are met it.
And the money isn't as important as you may think it is talking to poor people, talking to the people who need money.
I used to feel that way.
I would watch somebody on stage and they'd say, Oh, money's no big deal.
Money. Isn't as important as you think it is.
And I'm thinking, okay, so if you lost all your money, you'd be okay with that.
I'm just giving you some personal thoughts when I've been to these seminars and the wealthiest people will say things like that.
Not all of them, but some of them will.
And so the reason I brought that up is because, you know, I'm a pretty good space in my life as far as emotional well -being.
I'm in a good relationship.
I live in a good place.
You know, I have things that are nice to me.
I'm not wealthy. I'm not in the upper echelon of anything.
I do okay. I have a career.
I still have to work.
And so here I come on the air sharing things like, Hey, you have this emotional well inside of you.
All you have to do is access it.
It's not that easy.
It's not, it's not that easy for a lot of people.
There are times when I've been depressed and if somebody told me that I would have given them the middle finger because I don't know how to access it.
And it might be easy for you looking at them.
might be easy for you to access that but I don't feel that at all.
It's like when my friends were trying to support me through a breakup many many years ago and it was around Christmas and hey you know Christmas is supposed to be a joyous time of year and I was miserable.
I couldn't access it.
I was literally depressed.
I had to go to therapy at that time and that helped.
Therapy helped me a a lot because I realized I could tell somebody my problems and walk away, shut the door behind me and leave my problems in there.
I still had problems. They were mostly back there now.
So at least I could get some stuff off my chest. That's why a good support system is helpful.
But what if you don't have one?
What if you don't have a good support system or somebody that you you can trust, somebody that cares about you.
I think that's important.
And believe me, as an introvert myself, with some extrovert components, here I am on the air, but I'm still behind the microphone, but I still like to make people laugh at a party, things like that.
I'm mostly introvert because that's where I feel the most comfortable and I can stay home for weeks on on end and not have an issue never leaving the house.
My wife, on the other hand, she needs to get out.
She needs to go outside.
She needs to connect with other people.
So she knows herself well enough that she knows she needs that.
Or I'd be perfectly fine at home with a book, watching a movie, doing this right now.
And, uh, that's just how I'm wired.
So as an introvert, and many people in this audience probably are, some aren't, but probably are introverts or at least somewhat close to that.
Maybe we don't go out and make as many friends as the extrovert does.
And that can be challenging because the fewer friends you have, the less of a support system you might have. And sometimes we can find that one good friend and we can lay it all out there.
And sometimes we can't.
So I understand that that exists, but because I feel that I think this is part of my makeup and maybe a lot of other people's makeup as well, because I feel like it's very difficult for me to make really strong connections.
I mean, I've made strong connections in the past, but I'm very particular about who I allow into my life, into my friendship circle.
And I have a few, very few.
but it's very difficult for me to connect with people at a very deep level where I can just pour my heart out to them.
But because of that, I think that's one thing that drives me to get on the microphone and talk to you.
I think that's one thing that, I mean, there's many things that drive me to do this, but that's one thing that's a part of me that wants to connect with with you and i said that there are probably people listening right now that are like me that in a way and listen to what i'm talking about so that they can connect with me too and it it could be anyone but they're connecting with somebody in the outside world because maybe they don't have someone else or maybe they do but um they feel understood understood.
Maybe they feel like they're being listened to, even though they're the one listening.
Maybe I'm saying something that you are hearing right now that you can relate to.
Believe me, I know there's a lot of fluff in this episode.
There's just some free verse right now going on, some free talking.
But this is the kind of stuff I think about.
And this is the kind of stuff that I know that there are others that think about as well.
There are others that don't have close friendships.
There are other people out there that don't have anyone.
And I know what that feels like.
And if I can make a connection with you who might be listening just to hear a friendly voice, to hear somebody who is supportive of you and wants the best for you, wants you you to get through whatever deep, dark thing you might be going through, or just somewhat negative thing, or maybe you're just bored, maybe you're just lonely.
I hope in some way that my show, my words, connect with you at a deeper level, and I I hope you understand that I really am trying to reach out to you and connect with you.
There's nobody else in this room.
It's just you and me.
Sure, there are others too, but I'm not talking about others.
I'm talking about you.
And you are the person that's listening.
And I am the person that is talking.
And I'd like to think that perhaps there is a conversation going on, even as odd as that sounds.
I know this is really weird for the person hearing me for the first time What is this about?
I don't think I need this show It just goes on and on But every now and then I just want to be personal with you I want to connect with you I want to make you feel heard I want to make you feel validated I want you to know that you matter I want to make sure that you understand That you are worthy You are lovable You are important important.
I've read many stories of people who have committed suicide and I'm not talking about that in this episode, but I'm going to bring it up because sometimes we can get really depressed and I never want anybody to take that route.
That is like, that's the end.
That's it. Like, there's no other chance after that.
And, uh, if you are in a dark space, you might make a decision like that.
And that is the worst time to make a decision.
When you're in a dark space, it is the worst time to make a decision because you're not thinking straight.
Your head is foggy.
Your brain is cloudy.
And when you're in that space, you should not make such permanent decisions.
I think that is an important aspect of decision -making in itself.
If you're in a dark, desperate, depressed or whatever space don't make life -changing decisions unless there are caveats unless that dark space is an oppression of some sort an oppression like an abusive relationship an abusive or terrible job situation when you're in that dark I mean that's what I had to do I was in this dark space I was at a job Bob, I hated it.
It was draining me.
We're talking about draining, right?
It was draining me.
And so I decided that I needed to quit even though we needed the money, but I hated it.
I hated going in completely draining.
And that's when I chose to quit.
I was in the darkest space and I chose to do something to take me out of that dark space.
nothing so life -changing or even life -ending I just chose to do something courageous and that changed my life that changed my life for the better that's what happens sometimes we're in this dark place and we might even be afraid to do the courageous thing like a courageous thing might be to tell that toxic person in your life that you're not going going to take it anymore.
That is a courageous thing that takes you out of where you are and puts you in a new place.
Now, pick your battles wisely.
I'm not saying that you should pick a fight, but I am saying that if someone is draining you or life is draining in some way, or a job is draining in some way, you might have to build up that courage and do something or say something thing about it.
I think that's important.
I had an episode recently, I don't know if it was last week, I think it was, where I looked at these very difficult times in our life as opportunities to practice who we want to be.
That's a great time to practice is when you're in that darkness, when you're in that dark space or sad or you feel completely stuck and you just don't feel like it's ever going to get any better.
That's the best time to practice who you want to be.
And in those dark places that I've been, I've come to ask myself the question, what would I do if I had absolutely no fear of the consequences?
That's the question you've probably heard me say before if you've been listening a while.
If you had absolutely no no fear of the consequences, what would you do or say then?
That's how you get out of the dark.
At least that can be one way to get out of the dark.
Because sometimes we are our own oppressor.
We oppress ourselves sometimes.
And we don't even know it.
It's inadvertent. you might be inadvertently oppressing yourself I can't quit my job because I need the money so I'm gonna stay yes money is important we all know that but is the choice to stay and feel drained every day worth getting the money is the money worth the darkness that hits me hard. I tell you what, when I talk about this right now, that hits me hard because I've been broke and I've chosen to be broke at times in my life, only once, once or twice, but I've chosen to be broke because I didn't want the darkness.
I didn't want to feel drained.
I wanted something better for myself and fear had It always held me back from seeking and pursuing something better because my old people pleaser would kick in and say, you better not say anything because somebody might not, somebody might have a problem with you or somebody might not like you.
And I couldn't have that.
So I just stayed who I was instead of seeing this dark time in my life as an opportunity to become who I want to be.
and I've learned to take these opportunities and take advantage of them and do something different if I'm in this dark place so it might require courage and courage comes when you understand that you are afraid yet you do it anyway courage doesn't come without fear in fact fear is required in order for courage to exist. So if you feel like you're not brave, courageous or whatever, and you're afraid to do this thing or say this thing to someone, remember you already have the first part of courage required to be courageous.
Fear is a component of courage.
And so in order to feel confident and secure in yourself, you have to be afraid.
You have to feel the fear in order to be courageous.
Once you have the fear, hell yeah, you're halfway there.
Now you just have to take a step into it and do it.
I mean, we've all heard the saying, feel the fear and do it anyway, or something like that.
Feel the fear, do it anyway.
And in order for me to get there, I have to ask myself, what would I do or say if I had absolutely no fear of the consequences?
consequences because that reveals your truth.
That reveals exactly what you want and what you would do if you were fearless.
This is how you discover who you are and what you want.
This is a path to boundaries, even your personal boundaries.
I define boundaries as what you will and won't accept in your life.
So if somebody is saying or doing something around you that is unacceptable to you, now you have a boundary.
This is unacceptable.
I don't like it. I should say something.
I'm not saying you have to say something, but it's important to know yourself.
And some people don't know themselves very well.
Some people will say, well, at least they're not doing this and I'll just tolerate it for now.
And that toleration goes on forever.
And if you choose to tolerate forever, then you never show people your boundaries and you never feel comfortable inside yourself.
And you also feel like there's something missing in your life.
There are people that are walking around right now, maybe you feeling like something's missing.
Something must be missing in my life.
One way to find out what's missing is to honor yourself and and enforce your boundaries so that you build the foundation of who you are and who you want to be so that when life happens and people happen around you, when they show up as they are, and when life throws you curveballs, you know exactly how you're going to respond and you do that response.
You say or do what you need to say.
And when you do that, you define yourself.
You define who you are to the world.
This is who I am. And then they can take it or leave it.
They can yell at me or ignore me.
They can hate me or love me or treat me any way they want, but this is who I am.
And when people know who you are and they know how you prefer to be treated, they will either treat you that way because they care about you and they love you, or they will try to treat you the way they want to treat you, which usually means something along the lines of control and manipulation, because they don't want to treat you the way you want to be treated.
They want to treat you the way they want to treat you.
So when you have people like that here we come back to that word drain it's a drain and when they are draining to you you feel oppressed you feel like your life isn't yours you feel like there's something more to life than there is right now and you don't know what that is because you really haven't defined yourself in the world to the the world.
I remember walking around life, careers, relationships, being sort of vague about who I am and what I wanted and even defining what I liked, what I didn't like, even having opinions because I was so agreeable.
I was so accepting of everything and it was very difficult for anyone to get me.
They didn't get me.
They didn't understand who I was.
They knew I was a nice guy, meaning I was, I treated people nicely, but they didn't really know who I was at a deeper level.
I didn't show them anger.
I didn't show them my fears.
I just showed them what I believe they wanted to see.
And when we show up that way, what happens is nobody gets to know you.
you. Nobody understands who you are.
Nobody knows how to act around you because they don't know who you are.
If you fail to identify yourself to the world, if you fail to show up in a way that defines who you are to the world, then what you get in return, you ever hear that term garbage in garbage out?
This is what you're putting out into the world.
Whatever you put out out into the world, that's what comes back.
Not always. I mean, there are all kinds of circumstances here, but I remember putting my vague, ambiguous self out into the world and I never felt really fulfilled in anything.
But when I started defining who I was to myself and to the world, then what I got was more of a concrete example of what I wanted in my life.
or, or concrete outcomes.
The outcomes I was, I was getting were more concrete.
For example, um, when I was dissatisfied with a raise that I got once, I got a raise and a promotion at this company, but it was measly.
I was working like, um, overtime every day and I was putting all my effort into this organization.
And, um, they said, okay, great, good job.
High, high praise. And then here's your promotion, which is just a name change.
And here's your raise, which was just a 50 cents.
And it was a slap in the face.
I mean, 50 cents to some people is a lot, but for me at that time, that was not, it was not worth everything I did.
It was not worth everything that I did for that organization and what I felt I was worth.
And so instead of saying, saying, thank you so much. I will proudly wear this new title and take my 50 cents and move forward with joy.
And instead of saying anything like that, I said, wow, thank you.
However, I'm not very happy with this raise.
I thought I was going to get X amount and I just said my my peace.
I told them what I believed I should be paid and how I valued myself and I wanted to work for somebody who valued me as much. And I shared with them my disappointment and what I really wanted.
In my past, I couldn't do that.
I couldn't share who I was with somebody because I feared getting fired.
But there was a point in my life where I said, I'm no longer living in fear.
I'm no longer making decisions out of fear.
I would rather be honest with people and share what's going on inside of me.
So they, they get the real me and then they can make a decision if they're going to treat me the way I believe I should be treated and going to value me the way I believe I should be valued.
That might sound cocky, but I feel good in myself.
It wasn't like I was pulling a fast one over them.
I knew I was a hard worker.
So I put that out there during my evaluation and they were surprised.
They didn't fire me.
And they said, well, we can't give you any more.
And that's fine. If that's where they are, I'm not going to put them down for it.
But I know I knew in my heart back then that I was worth more and that I'm going to have to find somebody else or some other company that can value me in that way.
So, you know, I'm not telling you that you have to quit or leave a relationship or any of that stuff.
I'm saying there's a point where if you feel the drain, if you feel the darkness, that it's important that you find the courage, half of which you probably already have if you're in fear or if you're in that darkness.
Cause that's part of it too, because in order to get out of the darkness and step into a bigger, brighter place, it does take a lot of courage.
And that courage means standing up for yourself, saying what you really want, telling people how you really feel.
And of course, pick your battles wisely.
This is what I say in my other podcast, love and abuse.
You don't want to pick battles with people who can physically hurt you or Or make your life miserable from this point on.
It's important to find that courage.
It's in there. And maybe do or say something that you need to do or say.
And when you do or say, your life will change.
You may not like the change.
But there's a difference between not liking what happens and staying in what you don't like.
It's the big difference.
You can stay in what you don't like and let it drain you, or you can do something not like what happens, but you're different after that.
That's the big, that's the key takeaway for all of this is you change when you change.
You change when you are taking courageous steps for you.
You are moving into a bigger, more evolved, brighter part of yourself.
The part of you that you have always wanted to be.
But maybe we're afraid to take the steps necessary to be that person.
But once you step into that person, once you are that person and you get some momentum, you're going to feel it.
It's going to change you and you're going to be different from that point on.
And from feeling drained to feeling different is better in my book.
It's always better than my book because I don't want to be that person anymore.
I would rather be different.
I would rather be somebody who can speak up for himself, can stand up for himself.
And whatever the consequences of that are, at least I'm being the person I want to be.
thanks for joining me for another episode of the overwhelmed brain i appreciate you i want to thank the people who donate to this show the patrons who give sometimes monthly i just got a note from super high who donates regularly thank you so much super hard says hearing that emotional challenges are opportunities is such a relevant message for me thanks for another powerful episode you're welcome and thank you for your support and we We talked about that a little bit today as well.
I love, this is a previous episode they were talking about, I love the idea of seeing the challenges that come up as opportunities so that we can choose to be who we always were or choose to be who we want to be.
And when I think of challenges that come my way, when I think of them like that as opportunities, and I ask myself the question, do I want to be who I used to be or who I've been, or do do I want to be who I've become or who I want to be?
Guess what wins? And that helps build that courage inside of me.
So thank you again to the patrons, to the donors.
I'm grateful for all of you.
If you find value in this show and you want to give back, head over to moreTOB .com and there are ways to do that over there.
And for a show on how to navigate difficult relationships, listen to my other podcast called Love and Abuse over at loveandabuse .com and if you know you're the difficult one in the relationship then maybe you don't know but maybe somebody's telling you that you are join the program that is helping a lot of people heal over at healedbeing .com you can sign up get the free lessons and then you'll figure out pretty quickly if that's you or not so again healedbeing .com and with that always keep your mind open because that's how you make the best decisions and be firm in your decisions and actions so that you can create the life you want.
Always take steps to grow and evolve.
You are powerful beyond measure and above all, and this is something I absolutely know to be true about you.
You are amazing. Thank you.
Thank you.
