These are my personal opinions. Always seek a professional when you're making choices about your mental health and wellbeing.
Welcome to the show. Glad you are here. I've got an email that I want to read to you that I just received and we'll see where we go with it.
Person wrote, I have been listening to your podcast for a few years now and I thank you for making them.
You are welcome. They help a lot. I want to ask you for your advice on my situation.
I find myself at a crossroad and I don't know what to do next.
I just finished college. I'm in my late 20s.
There was an ongoing storm of stress in my life for years.
Even though I'm relieved it's over, I'm more tired than accomplished.
I don't like the city I live in. I never really liked it.
I stayed because I had to finish school and I have an affordable apartment, which is another thing making it hard to decide on the next step.
I want a deep reset. New continent. But I have to think about everything strategically for finance reasons.
And I need to think about savings and starting overs and something I could just snap my fingers and do.
At the same time I've been carrying this deep longing to be in love again.
To be loved, I've craved affection, and I can't seem to find a partner, even though right now I've stopped looking because I don't want to stay in this city.
I'm not settling down here. I've met people and dated, but I haven't met anyone who felt like a match, not even close.
I can't force myself to be in a relationship just because I'm tired of being alone.
And lately I've been wondering if I'm just going to end up alone.
I have only ever been in love once, almost a decade ago, and I also don't like my job.
It doesn't fulfill me. But I needed to pay the bills while I was in school.
But now I'm done with school and the job market is brutal.
So I'm stuck with the job I'm in. It's an okay job.
She says, and I feel it's not up to par with my skills.
I feel like I'm worth a better one. What scares me most right now is the thought that if I stay here in this city I dislike, in this job I don't care about, in this in-between version of myself, I might actually fall into a depression.
I've been able to hold on so far because I had school to distract me, but now that I don't have that, I feel like I'm just... sitting with the weight of every wound I hadn't healed yet, some wounds I was not even aware of.
I'm doing my best not to spiral, but I'm tired, tired of being unfulfilled, tired of craving love and not finding it.
I know I need change. I feel it in every part of me.
I also know I can't just blow up my life overnight.
I have a plan A and a plan B. And when the time is right, I'll risk three to four years on what I'm doing.
And then I can fall back on my degree if I have to.
My worry is losing my affordable homes, saving for a move, and finding stability within five years while chasing my dream.
Being financially stable in five years is now a priority.
There you go. That's the entire email. I wanted to read the entire thing.
I left out some details to keep her privacy.
I don't know if it's a her or him, but I'm just going to say her.
So I want to thank you for writing this.
And I'm glad that you're thinking about this stuff so early on in life.
That's one thing I want you to get in your head.
It's very early on in life. I am 55 right now.
And it took me this long to get to a point where you are trying to get to the point.
And I know what you're thinking. I don't want to wait that long.
What if I'm not alive that long? I agree.
The sooner you start, the better off you are.
The sooner you start thinking about financial stability and a financial future, and where you want to live and what kind of relationship you want to be in.
All of that stuff is important. because it contributes to your comfort and your safety and your happiness.
I mean, safety in the sense of stability, stability in your finances, stability in a relationship.
Not that all relationships are stable. We all know that.
Some relationships are not stable at all.
Which is why my other podcast Love and Abuse is so popular.
But getting to your question, your questions come down to difficult decision-making.
And my formula for difficult decision making always has to do with what I value most going forward. or even now, like I value this now and I will value this going forward.
So let's just say, for example, That my wife started, maybe she shaved her head.
I wouldn't have a problem with that at all, actually.
But if she shaved her head, well, I might a little bit.
But if she wanted to do it, I would support it.
But let's say that she shaved her head. She looked completely different.
And I'm looking at her differently thinking, I really liked your hair, but hey, you shaved your head.
That's what you want to do? Great. I actually had a girlfriend do that once and totally supportive.
No problem at all. I had no problem with it whatsoever.
That's what you want to do. Great. And let's just say she did that.
And I looked at that and said, oh, I don't like that at all.
I don't think I can kiss you because now you look more masculine and I liked your hair and that makes you look, you know, what if I just said that?
Just give you an example. What if I just said that?
I don't like that look. And I convince myself, okay, it'll grow back.
And then she tells me, no, I don't want to grow back.
I love it. So again, this is an example scenario I would totally support if that's what you wanted to do.
But in this example, I'm not supporting it.
So I don't like it. And I say, okay, you know, if that's what you want to do, but internally I'm thinking. oh, this is so hard, she's not attractive anymore, and I don't think I can do this.
Values come in. What's most important to me about our relationship isn't her hair.
So I value more of the relationship, more parts of the relationship than what she does with her hair.
I may not like it in this example. I may not, I may not find her attractive in this example, but I value our connection, our love, the time we have together.
So all these... Values come up. And I like to organize my values in a priority.
And I've talked about this in other episodes.
I talk about this in my Stop Self-Sabotage product.
It's like an ebook. If you want to take a look, it's at theoverwhelmedbrain.com.
See deeper learning resources and you'll find it called Stop Self-Sabotage.
But I'm going to give you the basics right now.
So you don't have to buy it. You can if you want.
But if you want to know the basics, the basics are prioritizing your values Because your values, when you prioritize them, align you to be the most happy or most at peace or most comfort. whatever you value more.
I value comfort. I value peace. I value happiness.
I value, uh, not having stress, which basically leads to peace and happiness and comfort and all that.
So when I make a decision, I evaluated against my values.
What do I value most? What's interesting is that this person who wrote said, the very last thing they wrote said, I want to be financially stable in five years.
It is a priority. Let's just say that that's her number one value.
I have to be financially stable in five years, no matter what.
Because a priority overrides everything else.
So if you want to be financially stable in five years, And that is at the top of your values list.
It is the number one spot Everything else takes a backseat, more or less, because you can change your values around when you start thinking about them.
You can reorder them. But everything else on your list is basically, I'm not going to be satisfied unless I meet this top priority.
So let's just say that her top priority, like she said, is being financially stable in five years.
And then she says, yeah, but I really want to move. will moving support the value of you being financially stable in five years?
It might. You could move and get another job that pays just as well or more than what you're making now, and it can contribute to other values. like valuing being away from certain family members, that can be a value.
But let's just say that you value other things that can contribute toward being financially stable or at least can be a contributor toward being financially stable because moving doesn't necessarily mean that you won't be financially stable in five years.
It just means it might take a different course to get there.
So right now you have a job in a town that you don't like. and you could move and get another job in a town that you like, but you don't like the job and it can still contribute to you financially and allow you to save. you have eliminated maybe one thing you don't like.
That one thing might be, I'm not in that town anymore.
I don't like the job I'm in. I like the town I'm in, but I don't like the town I was in.
So it does, there is a benefit there. It does help me feel better.
So that process of elimination can help you meet your top values as well. it's important to know your top values.
In fact, if you read your message, the person who wrote to me, if you reread that, you can list in a hierarchy what you value most.
And that might be, I value being in a different city.
I value being in a different job. I value being away from these people. all of these things that you can write down on the list and prioritize them.
So your first priority might be financially stable.
No matter what I have to be financially stable, which means everything I do has to contribute to being financially stable, which might mean saving a lot of money, moving to a cheaper apartment, moving to a cheaper city, whatever that means, getting a better job, of course, and all that stuff can add toward it.
So what contributes to what you value most?
That's one part of decision making, or at least the way I do decision making.
What contributes to what I value most? If my wife got that great haircut, she went totally bald.
And the example I gave of, oh, I don't like it.
I can't kiss her because she's not attractive to me anymore or I feel weird.
If that were me, if I were kind of shallow like that, I would then ask myself, does that interfere with what I value more?
Does her having no hair, does it go against what I value more? which would mean I might have to value her attraction, the way she looks, More than I value respect and honesty and love and connection and experiences.
All these other things that I value. Attraction is actually lower on my list because all these other things make me attracted to her.
The idea that she doesn't have hair... doesn't really take away from everything else I value, or at least my top level values.
Attraction is in there. Being attracted to my partner is definitely in there, but is it more important than these other values?
Would I want to be attracted to a dishonest partner? attraction wouldn't matter if she were dishonest.
So dishonesty is, you know, that's not contributing to the top level value of honesty. because I wouldn't be attracted to her if she were dishonest with me.
She might be an attractive person, but I wouldn't be attracted to her if she were dishonest.
Honesty is up on my list, near the top. Honesty, respect, having fun. enjoying each other's time and being able to feel comfortable expressing ourselves and There's all kinds of things that are up on my list.
And of course, attraction is up there, but it's not at the top.
So if she shaved her head, Since I have other things at the top of my list that wouldn't affect me.
They would affect the relationship in some ways because without hair it's a You know, what do I do with all those combs and brushes I bought her?
I'm just kidding. The point is we'll be happiest when we make decisions that align with what we value most.
Again, that is the whole premise of my Stop Self-Sabotage workbook.
When you make decisions, that are in alignment with what you value most, you will always move toward happiness or at least, you know, whatever you're moving toward peace, comfort, non-stress, whatever it is for you.
I always move toward what I value most, which helps me make decisions.
And in this person's case, She doesn't like the city she's in.
She doesn't like the job she's in. So is what she's doing contributing to what she values most?
If she wants to be financially stable in five years and it's a priority, let me put myself in her shoes and I've been there because I used to be broke and then making money was a priority. i made making money such a priority that it overrode the time I wanted in a relationship.
It overrode where I lived. It overrode everything.
And I ended up traveling around the country doing hospitals and banks.
I used to be in computer work. And I did that for like a year and a half, almost two years. because I was broke.
In fact, I was married and broke. We were broke.
And so when I got that job, Nothing else mattered except making money.
That doesn't mean I ignored my partner. It just meant if I wanted to spend a weekend with her and I couldn't because I was working, That's just how it goes.
And it sounds cold. It sounds like the relationship's not gonna last.
But I made making money my priority. And that's what I did.
And I made good money those two years so that I could take what I earned and back into my relationship with her and we could build a future together.
This was a different person at a different time, a different marriage.
And we survived that. We got through it.
But that took me making money my highest value, my top priority, which meant foregoing almost everything else I wanted to do in my life.
That's what happens when you prioritize something.
And I love this acronym. You focus until you succeed.
And the acronym goes, follow one course until success.
That's how I do my values as well. I followed that course until I succeeded.
And that's what changed our lives. And I make decisions like that Almost every time, any big decision I make, will this contribute toward my highest values?
And you got to know what your values are, of course.
What's more important than that? What's more important than that?
That's the question you ask. Is there anything more important than being financially stable in five years?
You might say, well, no, because I need to be financially stable for all these reasons.
And so that might be your priority for the next five years.
And yes, you might miss out on a lot of things in life if you prioritize that.
The challenge with prioritizing financial stability is that you might miss out on a lot of life.
I mean... Being in your late 20s, you're at the prime, in my opinion, you're at the prime of your life You're at that age where you're not going to get tired going upstairs.
You can fall down and get hurt, but the wound is gone the next day or the next week.
Where I'm at the age, the wounds don't go away that fast, so I have different priorities now.
But you're at a place, and the reason I'm saying this, you're at a place in your life where I look at you as being young enough to take more risks.
I'm not saying you should. Do not listen to me for any advice regarding what you should do with your life.
I'm sharing this and thinking back in my past of the risks I could have taken and should have maybe taken. and how it would have altered the trajectory of my life because I had so much more life left to live and so much energy to compensate or repair what went broke after I took that risk.
When you're younger, you can typically take more risks.
I'm not saying go crazy, but you know what I mean?
If you can get up faster, You can do that while you're younger.
You move to a different continent, as this person wrote, you can figure it out when you get there. not my advice i'm just saying if i'm in your shoes and i don't like the city i'm in and i don't like the job i'm in and yes i want to be financially stable but uh I'm at a time in life where I want to experience things or I want a change of pace because I've been doing all this stuff or I'm too close to toxic family.
All these negatives over here and there's a big unknown over there.
What would I do? I sort of did that when I was living in New Hampshire.
I wanted to get away from Toxie family, particularly one person.
So I, as soon as I turned 20, something like that, I moved a thousand miles away from everyone I knew. except one person in Florida, my dad.
So my dad lived in Florida and the rest of my family siblings and mom and stepfather and everyone I knew a friends up there all everyone I knew I moved to Florida thousand miles away or 1600 miles away and started my life.
I had no plan. I just moved. Filled my car.
Actually, my friend moved with me and he stayed about a year, but we both went in our own vehicles, filled them up with what we needed, mostly clothes.
And came down, stayed with my dad for I don't know how long.
But we got our own place and it was like this very cheap, very efficient efficiency.
It was a single room with two couches and a kitchen and a bathroom.
But we were paying like 50 bucks a week.
We just found the cheapest place and we were just experiencing life being young and learning about life as we move through it.
We both got jobs. And we both survived.
And then we eventually upgraded our accommodations.
And I got a different job and a better job and he missed home.
So he went home, which is fine. He didn't have any toxic people to be away from.
I did. And so here I am in Florida. And yes, it was helpful to know someone where you're going or where you want to go.
So that was very helpful. But that's what I did.
I just packed up and left. And I'm glad I did.
The rest of my family stayed in New England, and that's great.
I have no problem with that. But I wanted to... changed the course of my life and I did.
So I'm here to say that even though I didn't leave the country, I still took the risk because I knew for a fact that if it didn't work out, I could always move back.
I might have to hitchhike, but I could always move back.
Because and I wasn't thinking this way back then, but I was I was young enough to get through it.
I was young enough to figure it out. I have the energy to figure it out.
I was young enough to make things happen because I was motivated to I was so motivated to leave my home state. that it didn't matter what challenges I ran into.
I was going to go for it. I knew I'd figure it out.
I had a good work ethic, so I knew no matter what, I was going to find a job or make a job.
Didn't matter. And I did. I found the lowest paying job that I could possibly find, not that I wanted it, But it was an entry-level job somewhere.
It was a pet store, actually. And I was getting paid like $4.25 an hour.
This was like in 1990. And that's how I survived on that low wage.
But I did it. And I had to get a second job and all that stuff.
But the point is, I took the risk. So again, I'm not telling this person who wrote to take a risk.
I'm saying that if you are going to, if you are considering it, If it's high on your values list that you want to be out of this city and you want to be out of this job, that you're at an age where you can take risks. people are yelling at their podcast players right now and saying, how could you say that?
Because now she has... probably some college debt, and she has to be very careful about her financial future.
She has to invest in her 401k or whatever.
And I agree with all of that. Absolutely.
You can set yourself up financially and contribute what you can.
But my guidance for you is to guide yourself based on what you value most.
Because I can't tell you what will work out for you.
I can only tell you it always works out for me. when I am guided by what I value most in that moment and for my immediate future, just like my relationship with Asha, If she started lying to me, since honesty is one of my top values. then that would trickle down into all my other secondary values, which are still important, and destroy the relationship.
We would have to have a talk about it. And if she couldn't stop lying...
No matter what else was working in the relationship, I would not be able to stay in it.
That's really harsh, I know, because some people are in relationships where their partner lies all the time and they still stay in it.
But what do they value more? Maybe they value stability in a financial sense and that person is the moneymaker or maybe They value not being alone so high that they're willing to stay with a liar.
I'm not judging anybody for that. Some people do it.
Some people have to do it. Some people are in situations they can't change.
But this is what we do. We value certain things and live by those values sometimes, and sometimes we don't.
Because if you value money over a good relationship, you might stay in a bad relationship because you are being financially supported.
But this is when you can look at your values and ask yourself, are these values good for me?
Are they right for me? Should I value finances as my top level priority?
Should that be number one? Because if it is, then any decision that you make that doesn't contribute to that value will probably make you unhappy.
This is why I said every time I align with my values, I'm always happier.
I mean, maybe not immediately. I might not be immediately happier because there's a transition period.
But as soon as that transition period passes, I suddenly realize that I'm going in the right direction.
It always works for me. I can't say it'll work for you 100% of the time, but for me, it's 100% of the time.
And those decisions for me have felt risky. because i'm thinking oh my god this is such a hard decision i should make this other decision because it makes sense and i'm told that it makes sense.
So maybe that's the direction I should go.
But wow, when I think about what I value, for example, like here's a great job and I
They want me to work weekends, which I don't want to do.
I don't want to work weekends, but it's a great job.
But if I lose the weekends, I lose all this free time.
Maybe I have a relationship and I lose my time with the person I love and they only have weekends off.
And I value money so much that am I willing to give up those weekends and Because I need that money and I would have to reflect on this and think about what's more important. my relationship, nurturing that, or losing my weekends and being at a job that maybe I like, maybe I don't, I don't know, but if money is my top value.
I might have to say, well, money's my top value, so I'm going to forego the weekends.
But then if I think about having those weekends taken up by work, And I reflect on what it would be like for my relationship.
And I start feeling bad. And I realize, oh boy.
I don't want to lose my weekends because that's the only time we have together.
And that is more important to me. than making money.
If that thought comes up guess what value moves to the top? the nurturing of my relationships, spending time with the person I care about.
That's going to get to the top and I'm going to tell my job Sorry, I can't work weekends.
If you are willing to accept that I can work every other day except the weekend, I'm still interested, but...
I can't let my weekends go. That's a risk, right?
If we tell that to our employer or a potential employer, They may say, we can't use you.
We need somebody to work weekends. Then what are you going to do?
You might get bummed out, but now I have more time with my partner.
This is great. But I lost this job and I need the money.
But if you had the job and you had no weekends, would your time with your partner be quality time if you had any time at all?
This is how I view it. This is how I see things is that what am I going to lose?
What am I going to gain? And can I be okay for a certain number of months or years as I work on this?
When I was broke, absolutely. I needed to be okay pursuing the money. losing time with my partner and doing nothing but 70 to 80 hours of travel and work. which is what I did every week, 70 to 80 hours a week.
Some people are saying that's nothing. Well, it was something for me and it was great overtime.
So I made a lot of money in those two years.
But I prioritized that pursuit over everything else.
And because I did that, I felt good. Even though I was losing time with my partner then, I felt really good because I was getting the money.
I was seeing it increase in my bank account.
And all that money kept coming in and it was meeting my top level value is meeting my number one.
And when you meet your number one, it's usually fulfilling.
Now, I know this person asked a lot of questions and very specific questions.
I can't answer them directly. I can only guide you on how to answer them yourself.
That's why I shared everything about how I make decisions.
Maybe it'll help you. Let me just end with this one thing. make sure you have concrete data as far as identifying or defining what it is you want to achieve.
You have to be specific. And what I mean is you said, I want to be financially stable in five years.
What does that look like? Does that mean an extra hundred grand in your account?
Does that mean you're making 100k a year?
Does it mean making 25k a year? What does financially stable mean to you?
That is so important to define. You need to define that because if you don't, it's a constant pursuit that you will eventually probably resent.
Let's just say that you want to be financially stable and you don't define it.
So you work and work and work and you realize, oh, I'm still not there.
I'm still not there. But you've never defined it.
Then you'll never get there. because you don't know what it is.
You need to define it. Financial stability for you is different than for other people.
And financial stability in the US is different than when you live in Thailand. or Belize or wherever you want to go.
It's different where you are. So this is when you start to be specific about what you value, what you want, so that when When you pursue it or when you try to get away from it, because there are toward values and away from values,
And if you're moving toward financial stability, define what that means to you.
Be specific so that when you make these hard decisions, You can ask yourself, does this contribute to this top level priority or value?
Does it contribute to that? Because if you tell me I want to make 300K a year and you move into a luxury apartment in New York and you get a job at a coffee shop, it's probably not gonna happen.
I don't know how much baristas get paid in New York, but I can't imagine it's gonna give you that much money.
So that factors in. But if you say, I just want to make enough to put in my IRA, like a $10,000 or $20,000 in my IRA a year, Then you might be able to factor those numbers and think about those numbers so that you have something to work with. as you decide where you're going to move and where you're going to work and what you want to do with your life.
Because sometimes you can meet these things easier than you think.
I wish I had started a 401k when I was younger.
Actually, I did. I started the 401k when I was younger and I did the smartest thing in the world.
I cashed it out. I'm being sarcastic. Do not cash out your IRA.
It is not a good idea. Even in a bankruptcy, do not do it.
Your IRA, I believe, is protected, at least in the US.
That's what Asha, my wife, did. She went through a bankruptcy and decided, oh, I need to pay my bills.
So she cashed out her IRA, which she knows it was stupid, but she didn't know.
And so we are rebuilding at a later age, but just consider that a PSA.
Talk to someone who's smart. with IRAs and money before you decide to cash it out.
You don't want to do that. Just don't do that unless you absolutely have to for some weird reason but that money is usually protected and it will grow and grow and compound and you'll have a lot more when you're older.
So financial stability might look different if you think about IRAs and stuff like that.
So again, define what financial stability means to you.
Define what a good city is for you. Do you need to be near a Trader Joe's or do you need to be near the local market?
Do you need to be near the beach? Define that so you can move toward that.
Define all these things that you asked about and then you can prioritize what's most important And then evaluate every decision against what's most important.
And you will have a plan. And there may be risks in those plans.
There may be fear in those plans. And if your brain is like mine, I don't mind taking risks and then figuring it out later.
I can't give you that advice at all. I can't tell you to do that at all because you could take a risk and lose everything.
And I don't want to be responsible for that.
But at the same time, it's something I would do because I know what I don't want.
That's the away from stuff. I don't want to be near that toxic person.
I don't want to be in this crappy job. I don't want to be there.
I don't want to do this. And I don't want to make that low amount of money.
So what am I going to do instead of doing those things?
Which direction do I want to go? So I'm moving towards something that I do want and which is the most important right now so that I can evaluate every decision against that and make sure I'm contributing to that high value, that high priority. so that in the end I know I've made the decision based on what's most important to me.
And making decisions like that is a priority for me.
It is the most important thing for me to do when it comes to decision making.
And the more you do this in life, the easier it gets, the less you have to think about it because you start to realize what's important to you.
No, I'm not going to move that couch up and down three flights of stairs because my back is important to me.
I've already had back surgery, so I'm not going to do it.
It's important to me. Yeah, but what about our friendship?
You're supposed to do the... No, this is more important.
My health right now is more important. then my friendship with you, because if I don't have my health, then I'm not going to enjoy my time with you because I'll always be in pain.
Oh, I guess so. Okay, thanks. Thanks for the support, man.
Good to connect with you today. I hope this helps the person who wrote.
Thank you for sharing that. I do hope you're able to take some of what I said today and apply it to what you're going through.
Good luck. Thanks for listening to another episode of the overwhelmed brain.
I want to thank Paige and Steven and all the other patrons that are contributing to the show.
I'm very grateful to you. Thank you for your contributions.
My heart warms every time I see your names.
And if you value the show like these patrons do and you want to give back, head over to moretob.com and there are options to do that over there.
Thank you again, patrons. And if you value certain things about your relationship and they're just not happening, you might want to listen to my other podcast called Love and Abuse Today. over at loveandabuse.com.
It is about controlling and manipulative and emotionally abusive relationships. and just the general difficulties that we have in relationships that have to do with how we behave and how we talk to each other.
And it does help anyone out there that thinks they might be in that kind of relationship and they want to know what to do and how to deal with it.
That's over at loveandabuse.com. And if you've discovered that maybe you're the difficult one in the relationship, And you want to change that about yourself and try to maybe salvage what you got left because it's on the brink.
Head over to healedbeing.com and that's the full comprehensive program that I offer with this free license that you can sign up for over there.
But if you resonate with those lessons, you believe that the program will be helpful for you, And with that, I always say at the end of every episode, keep your mind open because that's how you make the best decisions.
But after today's show. Know what you value most. because that's how you'll make the best decisions.
And yes, keep an open mind because sometimes you'll value something and you realize, Hmm, if I do this, it is in alignment with what I value most.
But thinking about it, I'll lose this and I don't want to lose this.
So maybe I value something else more. It does help to re-evaluate your values just to make sure you're moving in the right direction because sometimes we're in a rut in life.
And we want to get out of that rut. Then we need to find out, hmm, am I following my values?
Or maybe I'm following my parents' values and I didn't even realize it.
I better check that out. So be firm in your decisions and actions so that you can create the life you want.
Always take steps to grow and evolve. You are powerful beyond measure.
And above all, And this is something I absolutely know to be true about you.
You are amazing.
