These are my personal opinions.
Always seek a professional when you're making choices about your mental health and well -being.
I had somebody tell me once that they get jealous, they get angry, they get competitive.
And this is a woman saying, I get competitive with other women.
And she said, no wonder they pick them over me.
talking about her romantic life and she says, I hate the person I become.
I hate when I get jealous.
I hate when I get angry.
I hate when I get competitive.
I wish I could be in a place of peace to make people want to stay.
And so I read that thinking, okay, how did I feel when I was was jealous?
What state of mind and state of heart was I in?
Highly insecure. I was self -conscious about my body and I think this is what happens when we get jealous and angry and we feel this insecurity.
I think we get so far from our ego.
We want to get so far from being egoistic or or being seen as narcissistic, that we are at the other end of the pendulum swing.
So you might have a thought of, well, I don't want to come across as narcissistic or having a big ego and they think badly about me.
I don't want to do that.
And that also comes with the feelings of insecurity.
Because if you are insecure about yourself or if you're self -conscious, then of course you're not going to have that or such a high outlook of yourself.
And so through my years of jealousy in my twenties, was I jealous?
No, not my thirties, but my twenties, I was a jealous person.
I was possessive and I wanted to control my partner's actions with other people that might be potential candidates for a relationship, even though they had not shown, you know, my partners over the years had not shown any desire to be with other people.
But my insecurities kicked in and those were running the show.
So when your insecurities run the show, this is the kind of thing that can happen.
What happens is as your insecurities take over, then you become the amplification of the opposite of that insecurity.
So if you don't feel like you are a good looking person attractive in any way, then you're going to gravitate toward I'm ugly.
Even if you're, if you don't think those words, you're going to gravitate toward I'm ugly.
And when you feel ugly, that might make you sad.
And if you feel sad, you don't want to feel that way.
Typically, most people don't want to feel sad.
So to compensate for the sadness, you will do something thing that might be maybe controlling.
Controlling somebody that you care about or being possessive, trying to hold on to them in a way because if they leave you, then because you have this maybe deep -seated belief that you're not good looking or you're all the way at the other end and you believe you're ugly, then your grip on that will cause you to do behaviors that that we're talking about today.
So if you get jealous, then maybe you feel insecure that you're not a good catch. And where I was, I became possessive, meaning I didn't want them to go anywhere without me knowing where they were going and trying to control where they went.
That's the way it used to be.
But that was a problem in the relationship, obviously, because it takes away someone's independence and autonomy economy and they don't feel like they're accepted as they are and that is not loving.
And so I became possessive because I was jealous, because if I possessed them, I believed that if I possessed them, if they were my property in a way that I could control them to not go places and be with people that made me more insecure.
cure. So my possessiveness came out in emotionally abusive ways, very destructive to the relationship.
And it took me a while to understand what to do.
I mean, I was in my twenties.
I was like a kid. And I've said this before, and maybe you know this to be true, but men typically take a little longer to emotionally mature.
And so that's where I was.
I was taking a little longer to emotionally mature in my 20s, being possessive, being jealous, being controlling, being judgmental, a lot of these qualities that do not make a great partner.
And I did get over or get past my jealousy and possessiveness.
And the way I did that was to start believing that, yes, damn it, I am a good catch. catch. I look at myself today and I don't think, yeah, I'm a great catch. I just had to develop that attitude back then because I was so far opposite of my ego.
When we fill our ego, we become more proud of ourselves and we can sometimes become overly confident.
We might brag about who we are and the closer we get to full ego it feels more like narcissism every time we take a step closer.
But sometimes we have to come from the opposite end in order to reach a middle ground where we're neither insecure or narcissistic.
And that middle ground is the the balancing of the pendulum swing.
When the pendulum swings one way, we are the extreme of that condition.
When it swings the other way, we are the extreme of the opposite.
You know, we're going in the opposite direction.
Ego versus insecurity.
And some people might see it as narcissism versus complete people -pleasing submissiveness.
It's like the dysfunctions that complement each other that create a codependent relationship.
And when you have a codependent relationship, there's usually a lot of toxic elements and one partner or both get drained.
And that doesn't typically last. The relationship like that, that's built on dysfunctions that complement each other, typically won't last because it can't, because it's unhealthy, because there are still issues and insecurities and dysfunctions and unhealthy coping mechanisms in the relationship that haven't been addressed.
And when they are addressed, it's typically in destructive ways that are argumentative or controlling and everything else I'm talking about today.
The issues in the relationship turn into these components that become destructive, these dysfunctional components that we bring into the relationship.
So if I'm very insecure and I get into a relationship with perhaps somebody whose pendulum is in the middle balanced, I'm going to drain them because my insecurities will come out in the relationship and draw from them.
It's like, like I've said before about when you try to attain happiness through another person and drain them of their energy so that you can be happy.
When you do that, the other person starts to become miserable.
And we can do this unconsciously.
We can get into a relationship and not even realize we're draining the person.
This usually happens when we're younger.
But when we're older, if we haven't learned, this is what can happen.
We can drain somebody of their vitality.
And when their vitality is drained, we may be filling our cup by emptying theirs.
And I'm so careful with that.
I'm very careful with that in my own relationship with my wife.
I don't want to become a drain to her.
I've been a drain to other, every other partner in my life.
Because about what, like 15 years ago, I realized what I was doing.
doing finally, finally realized what I was doing to my partners and why they kept leaving me because I'm a drain.
I mean, I drain them.
Some people will call that an energy vampire.
I'm not very fond of that term, so I never use it, but that's what can happen.
It feels like we are getting drained of our energy.
When somebody has a dysfunction or an insecurity, something they they haven't resolved or healed in themselves.
It's as if you bring in an unhappy or not exactly fulfilled version of yourself into a relationship and expect it to get filled by the other person.
That whole, you complete me crap.
I don't believe in that.
I love being able to meet someone and and have it enhance who you already are, and enhance your life, and bring more positive events into your life, and share your life with somebody else, you know, in a romantic relationship.
That's what we do. We meet somebody in hopes, this is my viewpoint, in hopes to enhance our life and enjoy life with somebody else.
But when we get into a relationship and we are a drain, or they are a drain or darn it we both drain each other and it's not fun it's not fulfilling it's draining it's emptying us and so I like to make sure that I am NOT draining my partner and I like to make sure that my partner is not draining me because if I feel the drain something has to be said how often have have any, anybody listening right now, if you're, if you've been in a relationship where you have felt drained, how long did you stay in that relationship?
And I know people are saying, I'm in that right now, Paul, I'm in it right now.
I'm feeling the drain.
And if you're feeling the drain, remember that you are not an infinite supply of energy.
You cannot be an infinite infinite supply of energy.
You can recharge every now and then, but what ends up happening with somebody who drains you is that let's just say that you're at 40 percent, which is very low, and then you get a recharge of 45 percent, and guess what happens?
They bring you down to 39 percent, and so you're taking one step forward and one and a half steps back, and yes, this can go on for years, and I look at a relationship like that, and I can tell it's not going to last the way it is.
It's not going to survive because one or both people are draining.
And believe me, the toxic person can feel drained as well because you won't do the thing they want you to do.
As weird as that is to say, they'll feel drained if they can't control you.
They try to control you.
It drains them, they get more frustrated and then they get more controlling and toxic and manipulative.
And now they're, they're even more difficult because you're not doing what they want you to do.
And even when you do what they want you to do, it will never be enough.
Toxic people can never get enough.
They can never control you enough.
You will find a way to disappoint them.
I'm sorry to to tell you.
And, uh, it's not your fault.
It's not your fault at all.
It's the person who is insecure and acting out of fear and desperation and doing things to make other people do what they want them to do so that they don't have to deal with their own stuff.
The whole deeper thing there with their, uh, own unhealed stuff from the past, their own unhealed traumas and things they need to process.
So they push it onto you.
They don't want to deal with their own stuff.
So they they push it onto you.
And some people don't even realize they have their own stuff.
They just think you're being difficult.
Why are you being so difficult?
Just do what I tell you to do and we'll both be happy.
And then that's draining.
It comes back to you feeling more and more drained in any type of relationship or environment.
And as time goes on, if you are not revitalized, if you are not re -energizing, then you will continue to feel drained and continue to be drained indefinitely.
It won't end until something changes.
Something big has to happen.
There needs to be a conversation.
Look, I can't do this anymore.
I can't talk to you this way.
I can't have conversations that turn into arguments.
I can't handle it. It's draining me.
and so coming back to where I started with the person who wrote and said I get jealous angry and competitive with other women no wonder they pick them over me meaning potential partners pick the other women over her she was in a relationship and she said I took away all of our peace I just wish I could be in a place of peace myself to make people want to stay this is the person who feels like they are draining someone else I think it's important to remember that sometimes we just don't pick the right people sometimes they're great on paper but when you take them home they're a different person and that's
not necessarily on them we just didn't read them right and some people will reveal themselves right away and then we'll say they, oh, they can't be that bad.
Meaning somebody might say, well, you know, I get mad sometimes.
Well, that can't be that bad.
You seem like a nice person now.
Well, you might want to believe what they say.
Dig into that. Tell me, tell me more.
What do you mean you get mad?
Do you throw things across the room?
Are you physically aggressive?
What do you do? Find out, get get details.
Don't be afraid to dig.
And so this person who wrote, she feels really awful because she feels that she's pushing people away.
And this is, this is what's happening.
This is the outcomes that she's getting.
She's pushing people away.
They're leaving her life and she finds herself.
And I didn't read you the rest of the message, but it goes on to say, I'm verbally abusive.
Sometimes I revert back to that way of being.
And I don't know how to stop that.
It's like when I get too close to someone, I end up turning into this monster and pushing them away.
You know, where I immediately go with that is sometimes we don't want other people to see the real version of us, because if they do, it's a very vulnerable place.
If they see who I I really am, what will they think of me?
Will they judge me?
Will they reject me?
And so we instead push them away first so that they can't do that to us.
And when we do that, we always miss the opportunity for a relationship of any sort, but typically romantic.
This is what happens is that we can get so close to someone that they They start to see a little bit more and a little bit deeper and we feel exposed.
And now we're completely metaphorically naked in front of the crowd and they can see every single aspect of us.
They can see right through us.
They can see the expression on our face and how we feel about being looked at, about being judged.
judged. That's what happens when a relationship gets deeper and closer is that we become more exposed to the other person.
And that other person now sees the parts of us that weren't so visible at the beginning because we try to hide some stuff.
Sometimes we don't want them to see everything because if they saw everything, they might run away.
At least that's what might might go through your mind because we don't feel perfect.
We don't feel like we're a catch. So we might hide who we are.
And there's other reasons to hide parts of ourselves as well, especially when you're getting to know someone because you don't know them well.
You don't know what they're going to do with your heart, with your words.
And if you've been burned before, you don't want to give away the farm.
You want to approach things carefully.
I believe in falling in love slowly.
I believe in letting someone in slowly, day by day, week by week, month by month, and each time feeling a little bit more comfortable as I do.
And as, I mean, a lot of us do this.
We let somebody in day by day and piece by piece.
And when they get closer to us and they start seeing more and more of us, we can start feeling safer and safer.
And some of of us have a limit.
Some of us will say, okay, you can get this close, but if you get any closer, that's the danger zone.
That's the militarized zone.
That's where I take a stand and fight back because if you can see that part of me, you can destroy me.
And I don't want that to happen.
So I've got my guns out and I'm putting them right at you.
Back off, back off right now.
It's okay up to here.
You know, you made it 75 % of the way.
That's fine. That's 76%.
No, you can't pass this, but there's a part of you that wants them to pass it.
There's a part of you that wants to connect at that deeper level.
Even when they're safe and they've proven not to be toxic or controlling or manipulative, They've proven themselves to you.
They still can't get past that one point because you don't want to be totally exposed.
Because if you are, what will they do?
And maybe somebody has done that to you in the past. Maybe somebody has hurt you so bad that you decide to protect yourself, at least the last 20 -25 % of yourself, so that they can't hurt you.
and some people take it too far by pushing back before the other person gets too close and even has an opportunity to hurt you if that's what their plan is and I'm going to assume that most people don't plan on hurting the other person they are enjoying their time with but because there might be some fear that person doesn't want the other person to get too close close.
Mary doesn't want Bill to get too close.
So Mary pushes Bill away.
And in this case with the person who wrote to me, she makes sure that Bill or whoever this person is, I'm making up names, never gets too close.
Because if he's too close, it'll feel too scary.
And I don't want to be scared of getting hurt.
So I'm going to push Bill away.
And in this person's case, they revert back to being verbally abusive and pushing back in ways that are controlling and hurtful so that they themselves don't experience something deeper that they haven't dealt with.
That insecurity that we talked about there.
There's a fear in there that they don't want to feel or a pain in there that they don't want to feel.
And so they push the other person back.
and sometimes we push hard because there's a lot at stake.
It would be too vulnerable and too painful because if it's happened before, we know what it feels like.
Or if it's never happened, we don't want to know what it feels like.
This is the hard part of a romantic relationship is that falling in love requires vulnerability.
And vulnerability means showing somebody more more of you as you grow deeper and deeper in connection.
And as that connection strengthens and your bond strengthens over the years, you get to a point where they know you so well that you either become comfortable or you keep them at a distance.
Emotionally abusive people will keep people at a distance because they don't want to feel that exposed and vulnerable.
vulnerable. That's why I talk about my program, Healed Being.
I help emotionally abusive people connect with their vulnerability and connect with humility and take a step back and choose to become a little bit more transparent, a little bit more honest, and tell the people they're with what fears they have and what insecurities they have, because often emotionally abusive people People don't want to look insecure.
They don't want to show their vulnerabilities.
So they push away other people by being who they are.
I mean, that's one aspect of emotional abuse.
And I talk about it at my other podcast, Love and Abuse.
So that gets a lot deeper if you want to hear more about that over at loveandabuse .com.
But that's basically what happens is that when we're insecure, when we feel fear, the The closer someone gets to us, the more the resistance builds inside of us.
So when you're walking around with fears and insecurities, especially in the romantic department, when you have fears that you are going to be hurt, you are going to build a resistance to someone's presence and connection in your life the closer you get.
And that will be self -sabotage.
that will be how you keep them away from them hurting you, even though they may never hurt you.
This is the Risk of Love.
The Risk of Love is we give someone our heart and we trust them with it and we hope they don't crush it.
It feels that way. It's like almost literal feeling even though it's far from literal.
But it feels like this is what we're doing.
We are exposing ourselves at the deepest level to someone that we are either getting to know or know very well, but we haven't gone to that level yet to share everything about ourselves.
And I get this. I didn't want to share everything about myself in many of my relationships.
I thought that getting angry would push somebody away.
So I made a commitment to not be angry in front of my partner.
Big mistake. day? Because when you get angry, it is one of the emotions in the spectrum of emotions we can experience.
And if you choose to block any of the emotions that you're feeling, you are blocking a part of yourself from someone who will then have to figure out what's going on inside of you.
Now, this doesn't mean losing your temper at them and yelling at them and throwing things at them.
it's not that at all.
But if something falls on your foot and you have to scream, you have to scream really loud and maybe somebody yelled at you at the grocery store.
Why not get angry? I'm so angry.
This person yelled at me at the grocery store and then I came home and I dropped the flower pot on my toe, which I've done.
Six months later, I stopped being angry about it because it finally stopped hurting.
Not really. I didn't stay angry, but I stayed in pain and I just felt it.
And every time I thought of it, I was like, ah, damn it.
And, uh, I didn't express my anger to too many of my partners.
And it took me a while to allow myself to get in touch with it.
Just like, um, hatred.
I never expressed hatred because I thought it was wrong to express hatred.
And, you know, we don't want to carry hatred around with us, but if we never express it and we feel it, where does it go if we don't express it?
How does it come out?
It comes out in other ways.
It led to a depression for myself in my late 20s and early 30s.
I started becoming depressed in my early 30s.
I was in a relationship and it was going stale and I wasn't expressing myself.
I wasn't bringing up conversations because I didn't want to have them.
So I just kept things to myself.
And the more I kept to myself, the more they got stuffed down inside of me.
And eventually I stuffed down so many thoughts and emotions that they had nowhere to go.
They were just inside building up and piling up, which eventually depressed me.
And that's how I, I'm not saying everyone goes through this, But this is how I ended up feeling depressed because I stuffed it all in.
And it took me accepting that some of the emotions that I believed I shouldn't have to feel, it was okay to feel.
It was okay to have hatred towards someone.
And I'm not saying you hold on to it and you feel hatred every day.
I'm saying if you are stuffing hatred down or anger down and you feel it and you haven't expressed it or let it out in some way that it stays in there and it comes out in other ways.
And I remember the day I let go of hatred was the day I expressed it.
I hate my stepfather so much. I remember I buckled down on my knees and I was crying and I was saying these words that I'd never expressed in my life.
And that was the beginning of my, it was my first day out of my depression.
I had a long way to go but that was the first day I finally let something out, something that I'd been holding on to.
And so I started feeling better inside myself.
I started feeling comfortable on my own skin and feeling more secure.
Again, had a long way to go but that was a good lesson for me in not keeping things down.
So over the years that's what what I did.
I practiced expressing.
I practiced letting my emotions out and not pushing them onto others.
And I think that's what happens is when we don't let them out, when we don't express them in a safe environment, that they will come out in destructive ways to the people that are closest to us.
They are the closest, which means we are the most vulnerable around them.
So coming back Back to what this person wrote.
There was one more thing they said I didn't address.
And what'd she say?
She said, sometimes I feel like I don't deserve love.
When I read that, the very first thing that came to my mind is who convinced you when you were young that you didn't deserve love?
Because they were dead wrong.
And they conditioned that into, you got programmed into thinking that you didn't deserve love.
you didn't deserve love.
And that's just not true.
And then we take this belief, you know, from childhood that we don't deserve love or we're not worthy of being loved or being in a relationship and we apply it into our adult relationships.
And then suddenly we're pushing people away because we get to that point where somebody is actually starting to feel or have feelings for us.
And then we push them away inadvertently or unconsciously, or maybe on on purpose because there's a deep belief that we don't deserve love or we're not worthy of being in a loving relationship.
It's just not true.
And I know it's easy for me to say, but if you've been living with that, then I'm here to say as a voice of reason, I hope, I hope you hear me as a voice of reason that you deserve love.
Now, what ends up happening is that because we didn't get it from mom or dad or whoever in our past, we think that we're unlovable, or at least at a deeper level.
Maybe we think we're lovable, but something inside of us is sabotaging that and causes us to push them away.
So this is where we have to be careful that we're working on old programs, which we all are.
But we're working on old programs that actually ruin what we could have. Old programs can ruin what we could have. So what is the solution for this person?
I'm not saying it's a solution, what I'm about to say, but I'm saying that it's a good step in the right direction.
A. You deserve love.
Just say it. I deserve love.
B. I'm a catch. Say it.
I'm a catch. People would be lucky to have me.
Believe that. Believe that.
And then go to C, which is remembering that love is risky always.
Even in the best relationship, love is risky.
There is a risk and probably you will be hurt.
But with love comes some amazing times, some amazing feelings, and sometimes we get hurt.
And then of course, there are are toxic people out there we have to be careful about my rule with toxic people is know your boundaries and know when somebody is violating those boundaries so that you can say oh no this isn't going to happen again just stand up and say nope that's not what i want in my life you better stop doing that because i'm not going to stick around for that i make everything sound Sounds so easy.
I know, but that is the key.
You have to see these things happening in the moment and then mention them so they don't happen again.
And I know it can be tricky sometimes like, what did they mean to hurt me?
Or this is where we get to D.
Item D in this list is, um, I have to be careful how I word this, but item D is expressing yourself at the risk of ticking somebody off.
not pointing your finger at them saying you're the problem, but pointing your finger at yourself and using those I feel statements.
I feel disrespected when you do that.
Could you please not do that?
I feel hurt and embarrassed when you say that to your friends about me.
Could you please not do that?
Again, I know this is easier said than done in a lot of situations, but this is where we start putting the relationship at risk so that the relationship improves instead of declines.
I have adopted this myself.
I know it works. And yes, what happens is when you put it at risk, you risk losing someone in your life.
this is why if we act on fear and worry and insecurity that someone's going to leave us we might tolerate worse and worse behavior and this is also why we might push someone away because we're so worried that in this case that getting closer to someone will mean pain so to the person who wrote to me you are pushing somebody away pointing your finger at them saying you did this you did that you're a jerk or whatever without using those i feel statements and coming from a place inside you where you can give them a chance to change behaviors that are a violation to you and i'm just gonna put this out
there because some people will write to me and say, well, what if it's an aggressive or violent person?
You want me to do that?
You want me to express myself and tell them, no, I want you to pick your battles wisely because some people aren't worth having that conversation with and you might have to make other plans to protect yourself.
So there's my disclaimer.
Please do not do this with somebody that you feel might be violent with you.
But in many, many relationships, it's usually just a difficulty that we're going to have to talk about, and we're going to have to express ourselves to let the other person know how it's affecting us.
Hey, when you do that, it hurts me.
Hey, when you ignore me and just watch TV, I feel like you don't care about me.
I'm not talking about one -offs.
If they're usually attentive and they usually press pause or mute or whatever, and they they pay attention to you, then that's a good pattern.
But if they always do it and you're trying to get their attention, you know, something like that, it can start to feel like you're disconnected and not really in a relationship.
And that can be, you know, it can hurt.
It can hurt. Feel like you're alone.
And that's an example of expressing yourself, knowing that it risks the relationship.
And, you know, some of this stuff isn't going to risk the relationship.
It's going to feel like it if you're not used to doing it.
But if you said, hey, when you do that, it feels very hurtful, or I feel embarrassed or disrespected in front of your friends when you say that about me, somebody who loves you, somebody who cares about you, they're not going to want you to feel that way.
And so they're going to step forward and go, whoa, I don't want to do that.
I'm so sorry. But if they're not right for you, they'll continue to do the things that hurt you.
and that is important to remember because sometimes we are with people that yes they seem lovable and they are lovable and they're supportive and then they make us feel bad and then we say oh that really hurt please don't do that and they do it anyway now we're dealing with somebody that has their own selfish motives and doesn't seem to care that you're hurt by what they're doing so they're not the right person or if they are they need to change they need to stop hurting you and that's what some people do so let me just conclude with this person who wrote coming back to item D which is expressing
yourself knowing there's a risk of doing so there's a risk of losing the relationship there's a risk of them yelling at you saying well you're the problem not me and my answer to that is any relationship worth keeping is worth growing together in and and bringing up the hard subjects and getting into the deeper stuff that if you don't get into it, it would turn into what we have here.
Maybe someone pushing you away or you pushing them away because what really needs to be expressed isn't being expressed.
And I don't want that to turn into something more destructive like this person who wrote to me shared the bottom line to that that person who wrote, and I appreciate you sharing all of this.
Thank you. The bottom line is that relationships have a much better chance at being exactly what you want them to be when you express both what works for you and what doesn't.
Because when you don't share those things, people just push forward with any behavior that they think is okay.
When the reality is that That their behavior is not okay, but they don't realize it.
And yes, I get it. Everyone should know what's okay.
Until they know what works and what doesn't work for you, you're gambling that the other person is going to show up exactly as you want them to, without a map.
I've learned that not everyone follows my map.
And we all have our own map.
And that's why we have to have the hard conversations conversations to make sure others know the path that works best for us.
I hope you got something from today's episode.
Thank you for listening to another episode of The Overwhelmed Brain.
I want to thank the patrons that give to this show.
People like Cheyenne, Crystal, Angel, and Michelle, and so many more.
And a donation came in.
Wei, you donated. I think I pronounced that right.
I'm sorry if I mispronounced that, but I think that's your name.
I appreciate you. Thank you so much for caring, for giving back.
I am very grateful.
Thank you to everyone that donates or gives to this show.
My heart is always warmed whenever I see your names.
If you value the show and you want to give back, head over to moretob .com and there are options to give back over there.
Thank you, patrons.
Thank you, Way. I appreciate you all.
And for a show on how to navigate difficult relationships, controlling and manipulative and emotionally abusive relationships, listen to my other podcast called Love and Abuse over at loveandabuse .com.
And if you know you're the difficult one in the relationship and you are doing behaviors that are hurting others and you want to stop doing those behaviors, join the program that is helping a lot of people heal over at healedbeing .com.
And with that, always keep your mind open because that's how you make the best decisions.
Be firm in your decisions and actions so that you can create the life you want.
Always take steps to grow and evolve.
You are powerful beyond measure.
And above all, and this is something I absolutely know to be true about you, you are amazing.
Thank you. We'll be right back.
