Hello and welcome back to advice session.
A series here on anything goes where you send in your current dilemmas or anything that you want advice on and I give you my unprofessional advice.
And then you take it with a grain of salt because you should always take advice with a grain of salt.
Today's topic is breakups and axes.
I'm not going to lie, I love this topic.
I've been through quite a few breakups in my day.
I have quite a few axes. This is a topic that I could go on about for hours and now I get an excuse to do that because I'm giving unprofessional advice about it.
So I'm really excited and let's waste no time and let's just dig into it.
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This episode is brought to you by Bumble.
Dating can be exhausting even just getting to the dating stage is a little bit overwhelming.
You know, I'm not somebody who loves casually dating.
And I like to be in a relationship.
Finding somebody you're attracted to is challenging enough, but then making sure that you're compatible is a whole other challenge.
Well, Bumble is helping take some of the pressure off.
Now you can make the first move or not.
It's entirely up to you.
Thanks to Bumble's new feature, opening moves.
It's a simple way to start conversations.
Just choose a question and let your matches reply to kick off the chat.
By opening moves on the new Bumble, download Bumble now.
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Someone said, can you actually be friends with your ex?
This is really complicated.
I really think it depends because the problem with being friends with your ex at the wrong time is that it will inevitably cause problems.
If you become friends with your ex too soon after the breakup and the breakup was intense and filled with emotion and there was still a lot of love there, you're at risk of irresponsibly getting back together, right?
You broke up for a reason usually and if you become friends too soon, you might be tempted to get back together in a way that's irresponsible because you can't resist each other and that's beautiful and that's so sweet, but that can also be absolutely horrific because then you get back together, you realize, oh, wait, we broke up for a reason and then you break up again and then
you're worse off than you were before.
You know what I'm saying?
It might end uglier the next time like it can just get nasty.
Now let's say the breakup was mutual, both of you wanted to go your separate ways and it wasn't so painful that you think you could be friends immediately.
That's great in theory, but it is not fun when you start seeing your ex go on dates.
Even if you don't like them anymore, it's still really uncomfortable and if you become friends too soon, watching that can cause some friction.
So I think for the most part, you shouldn't be friends immediately.
Like even if again, it was so mutual and neither of you like each other anymore, I think it can still get messy.
Now, let's say you've given each other quite a bit of space, maybe a year, maybe three years, both of you have moved on, neither of you like each other anymore, but you miss each other as friends.
Okay, maybe that could work, maybe.
But let's say both of you have new significant others.
There's a chance that that will upset the new significant others and that is drama that you don't want to deal with, right?
You have to be respectful and thoughtful of your new partner's comfort levels.
So that could potentially cause some issues again, you could think you're over this person, but when you become friends again, you rip open a wound again and you fall in love with them again.
And maybe they don't like you back or maybe they're the same person that you broke up with a few years ago and the relationship is no better than it was a few years ago.
And now you're in a messy situation again.
Listen, there's a lot of potential risks that come with being friends with your ex.
In my opinion and in my experience, the only time it works is when you dated, but you were never really in love.
Now being in love is complicated, right?
I think a lot of times we think that we're in love, but really we're experiencing extreme amounts of lust and sorry, but delusion.
And once that wears off, we realize, wait, we didn't love that person.
What? We're in love. So I think with X's where that's the case and you weren't really in love and it became very clear to both of you that you were not compatible and it was a very mutual split and no one cried when you split up, it was kind of chill or whatever.
I think you can totally be friends.
You were barely in a relationship, you know, but a lot of times we experience sort of short spurts of dating people where there's these explosive moments of lust and it feels like love and then it turns out kind of not to be.
And then it's like, but they were kind of fun to be around being friends with that person solely fine.
And I think it's easy. Like I have one ex that comes to mind where that was the case, exactly what I just described.
Like when we broke up, neither of us cried, neither of us were really that sad.
Like it was like, yeah, this is not right.
I could easily go and be friends with him tomorrow.
I'm not friends with him.
Because I don't know, there's just no reason to like I do believe that our time together is is over in all capacities.
Just I don't I don't think either of us have any interest in being friends.
We're very friendly, but we're not friends.
But out of all my exes, I could easily be friends with him, you know, because we never loved each other.
Whereas I think of the X's that I truly loved.
I think I'm pretty sure.
The closest thing I've ever experienced to love, right?
Romantic love anyway. I think of those X's and I'm sorry.
Like I don't know, it'd be tough.
Like I think maybe in 10 years, but it's like even in 10 years, like why would we even be friends?
You know, we've different friend groups.
Like why would we be friends?
It just doesn't even make sense.
I don't know. I think it's possible.
But I think one must weigh the pros and cons and rationally assess the risks, you know, and realistically assess the risks because you might be setting yourself up for drama.
And that's something you have to be open to.
Listen, I would love to say, of course, you can be friends with your ex.
It's easy. You dated for so long.
You know each other better than anyone else.
Your best friends, practically.
Of course, you can be friends.
It's complicated. It's complicated in the emotions that come with being friends with an X are sometimes unexpected.
Like you might think, I'm not going to fall in love with them again or I'm not going to get jealous when I see them getting flirted with by another person.
You know, it's fine. Like I'm over it.
I've moved on. You probably have less than you think.
You're probably not moved on.
Like I probably just now in the last two years, properly moved on from my first boyfriend that I dated when I was 17.
I'm 23. And then I got to the stuff lasts.
Like now I can look at my first boyfriend and be like, oh my God, I'm so happy for him.
He has a girlfriend or whatever.
Like he's in love. He's happy.
It seems like that's literally gorgeous.
Like I can look at it now and be like, that's amazing.
But for a long time, I did not feel that way.
You know, even years after.
Anyway, I'm not friends with any of my exes.
It's never really worked out.
But maybe it will. Maybe in three years, I'll end up becoming friends with one of my exes and it'll be a delightful friendship.
I'm open to it. But you've got to be careful.
Next, somebody said, how to know if you aren't passing up on your soulmate, I don't want to regret my decision forever.
I think the best way to handle this anxiety is to remember that it's very unlikely that we only have one soulmate out there.
It's very unlikely. I believe that we have many soulmates in moments like these in my own life when I'm making a huge decision that could change the trajectory of my entire life.
What I do, and again, this might not work for everyone, but what I do is I lean on the universe.
I lean into my spiritual side and I trust that whatever happens was meant to happen.
And that mentality doesn't work in every situation.
There are certain things that do not invite the mentality of everything happens for a reason.
But when it comes to dating, I actually really do believe that everything happens for a reason.
And I think if things are not working out with whoever you're with, right, or whoever you're pursuing or whoever you're deciding whether or not you're going to date or whatever, if you have a gut feeling that it's not right, if for some reason you just can't do it, there's a reason for that.
And it might be that it's the wrong time and that you'll reunite with them down the line and maybe date then.
It might be that this is not the right person for you, even though they're great and delightful.
But if it's not working, it's not working.
And if it's truly your soulmate or one of your soulmates, I believe that you'll end up together somehow some way.
And I think when it comes to regret, I think it's up to you whether you regret your decision.
If you take your time and make choices wisely and do it in a way that aligns with your morals and your values, you won't have any regrets.
If you make rushed decisions, if you take mediocre advice, if you handle things in a way that doesn't feel genuine to you, then you might regret your choice.
But if you handle things in a way that feels admirable, honest, authentic, responsible and thoughtful, you will not regret your choice.
You're making a smart choice for you.
I think the key is to take your time in making your decision.
Get your instinct guide you, your gut knows, like trust your gut more and also trust the universe.
Trust that when it comes to dating for the most part, everything happens for a reason.
And I really do believe everything definitely happens for a reason if you make your choice wisely.
If you do the best you can to make the best choice possible, weirdly in a weird spiritual way, I do believe that the universe will have your back or God or whatever.
It sounds ridiculous. I'm like bringing like spiritual energy into into this topic, right?
But I think when it comes to things like soulmates, you know, twin flames, whatever you believe in, it is sort of a spiritual thing.
There is something larger than us that takes place when it comes to love and kindred spirits and things like that.
And I don't really understand how it all works and you probably don't either.
I don't think anyone does.
I don't think any human does.
But I think to trust in the universe or God or whatever you believe in and to do your best to make the best decision possible, you will be okay and you will not have any regrets.
Next. I said, I want to break up with my partner, but I'm scared that I'm going to lose them forever.
Well, I have to, well, here's a problem.
So there's a problem. The problem is you might lose them forever.
And that is something that you have to accept.
If you don't want to lose them, then you need to figure out how to fix the situation that you've got.
That is the only answer I have because the second that you break up with somebody, they are free to go do whatever they want.
As are you. But if they go and find somebody else, there's nothing you can do about that.
And it's unfair to them to have any sort of leash on them and any capacity.
So if you break up with them, you must let them go do their own thing until you're ready to come back into the picture and commit again.
That's the only time you should ever come back into the picture.
I mean, unless you want to become friends down the line, like years down the line, but you have to be okay with the fact that you might lose them forever.
And that's the choice that you have to make.
You have to weigh the pros and cons.
Would I rather stay in this relationship and try to fix it, even though it's really challenging and painful, or would I rather risk losing them forever and let them go, even though that's painful as well?
This episode is brought to you by Bumble.
Dating can be exhausting, even just getting to the dating stage is a little bit overwhelming.
You know, I'm not somebody who loves casually dating.
And I like to be in a relationship.
Finding somebody you're attracted to is challenging enough, but then making sure that you're compatible is a whole other challenge.
Well, Bumble is helping take some of the pressure off.
Now you can make the first move or not.
It's entirely up to you.
Thanks to Bumble's new feature, opening moves.
It's a simple way to start conversations.
Just choose a question and let your matches reply to kick off the chat.
By opening moves on the new Bumble, download Bumble now.
This episode is brought to you by Squarespace.
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Somebody said, how to get over someone that meant so much to you?
I mean, everyone always says this, but it really is true.
You just have to give yourself time.
Time heals all wounds as they say.
Look at me with all my cliches today of walking Pinterest quote once again.
Every once in a while, I turn into a walking Pinterest quote and it's super cute of me.
I think being patient with yourself is key.
Understanding that it's going to take time to move past this person and allowing yourself to sit in the pain, feel the pain as a means of getting through it.
Because something that I've learned over my various breakups is that when you allow yourself to feel the pain, fully cry, scream, do what you got to do, it can't last forever.
And in our 24 hours goes by of intense pain and then, wait a minute, a glimmer of light, a small smile crosses your face.
You're not as sad anymore.
You're still sad, but you're not as sad anymore.
In the moments when you're the saddest, you're like, there's no fucking way I'm ever going to get through this.
But if you allow yourself to feel it, you'll come out the other side happier than you thought you ever could have been again.
That might not be very happy, but it's happier than you thought you could ever be again.
And that's an accomplishment.
And so slowly but surely, those happy moments will become more frequent in the moments of you crying and laying face down in bed.
Those will become less frequent.
And when you look back after six months of healing, a year of healing, you'll be like, oh my God, I can't believe I was ever that broken about this, but it takes a lot of time.
And on top of time, I think that there are other things that really help, you know, having fun with dating, going dates, have fun when you're ready.
Of course, lean into friendships, lean into your existing friendships, work on making new friendships, lean into your hobbies, lean into your career, lean into you, lean into your life outside of that person and make that as rich and beautiful as possible so that you don't feel as tempted to look to your past at what your world used to be with that person.
You're so fulfilled with the life that you've created in front of you today that you don't really look back as much anymore.
Somebody said, what do I do when someone I loved moved on with someone new?
It hurts. This does fucking suck.
In fact, this actually happened to me with my first boyfriend, which is particularly painful because the first love is always the most painful.
Like that was easily the hardest break up I've ever gone through.
And he moved on pretty quickly.
I mean, he might have had a girlfriend two months later, maybe.
And I remember seeing that and being just overwhelmed with emotion.
I mean, number one, I'm questioning myself like, why is he so happy with her and not me?
Like what's wrong with me?
Why could he not find that in me?
But also, how is it so easy for him to move on?
Like he moved on overnight.
You know, like it feels like overnight.
Like how was that? Like was I not important to him?
Did I not matter to him? How is he able to move on so quickly?
Meanwhile, like I'm still destroyed over him, right?
But also, I think the heartbreak of, oh, shit, now we're really not getting back together.
Now, I think there's a few things to remember.
Number one, and this is a really hard thing to grapple with because a lot of times it forces you to look inward in a way that is even more sort of vicious than when you first break up and you're like, well, what's wrong with, like, why can't we make it work?
Like what's wrong with me?
What's wrong with us? Like when they find someone new and are able to have a functioning relationship with someone else, it makes you reflect even more intensely, right?
And I think the most painful thing about it is that you're forced to recognize your flaws in dating.
And I remember, you know, in my first relationship, I was forced to accept that I did have some flaws in the relationship.
Don't get me wrong. So did he.
In fact, he might have had more flaws than me.
But I also was flawed in the relationship.
And I can even give you some examples.
You know, I was very immature when it came to dating when I was dating my first boyfriend.
Why? Because he was my first boyfriend.
I never dated anyone before.
Whereas my first boyfriend had had quite a few girlfriends before me, right?
So it was very different.
And I think he wanted to date somebody who had a similar level of experience in dating to him.
And that was really hard for me to swallow because I was like, well, that's not my fault.
There were some things about dating me that were maybe kind of challenging because I was so new to dating.
And I didn't really understand like, I don't know how it worked.
I just like, I was kind of awkward or nervous or whatever.
I don't know. And it made me feel incredibly insecure.
But I actually am grateful for the fact that my first boyfriend moved on quickly because I think it forced me to reflect on who I was in the relationship and analyze why it didn't work with me and why it seems to be working with this next person.
And I think I learned a lot about what I want to be as a girlfriend, you know, who I want to be as a girlfriend.
Not that I made any grave mistakes because I honestly didn't and not that I was bad or evil or wrong or mean or anything really even negative, but there were things that I realized about myself as a girlfriend through that experience that I think has made me a better girlfriend since.
So I think the first silver lining of watching your ex move on to someone else is a chance to better yourself for the next relationship.
Now there might be times where you look back at your relationship and you're like, I really wasn't the problem and I'll tell you, I've had situations like that as well where me and a boy have broken up and I've analyzed it looked back and then like, I wasn't the problem.
Like I just wasn't the problem and you might discover that as well.
And if that's what you discover, then the silver lining is that now you can learn based on the faults of your ex what you're looking for next time and it can better clarify what you're looking for next time.
So I think there's a huge silver lining opportunity in watching your ex move on to somebody new because it forces you to analyze the situation.
Now listen, there's also some things that you must remember as well because that's the hard thing to swallow, but there's some far easier things to swallow that I want to present to you as well.
Number one, if you had issues with your ex, if they were challenging, if they didn't love you enough, chances are they're going to do that with their next partner.
Like what they did with you, they will do with the next almost guaranteed, not always which is very tough to watch, but for the most part, that happens.
Number two, you might just not be as compatible with your ex as this new person and yeah, that fucking sucks, but also they're not as compatible with you as your next person will probably be with you.
Does that make sense? When you move on, chances are you're going to find somebody who's way more compatible with you than your ex and that's a really exciting thing, right?
It sucks to not be compatible with somebody that you really like, but when you look at it, big picture, you look at it long term.
It's actually really exciting because you will eventually find that person that's compatible with you and you're going to be much happier with them.
And last but not least, your time will come.
If they moved on to somebody new and you haven't yet, your time will come.
Be patient. Everyone's timeline is different.
They just happen to find their person first.
Like in my first relationship, my ex went on to date somebody that they've been with for a very long time.
Meanwhile, I've dated many people since, you know, and that's okay.
Our timeline is different.
But you know what? It does hurt.
You can do all these mental gymnastics, trying to find the silver lining, making ourselves feel better because, you know, they're not going to miraculously turn into a better person now that they're with a new person or they're not going to miraculously become a better partner because, you know, like we can do all these mental gymnastics.
But at the end of the day, it's still fucking sucks.
And again, that's where time comes in.
Give yourself time. Let yourself feel the pain and go out on a date.
I think that that really helps.
You don't want to rush yourself into it, right?
But getting back out into the dating scene can really help.
And I've done that, honestly, through every breakup, not even gone on dates, but like started going out a bit more and like flirting with random guys, not that I'm good at flirting, but trying to do that.
And getting excited about what's next in my life, you know, what, what boy's going to come along next.
But there's one more thing I also want to mention.
Because I've experienced watching an X move on when I haven't yet, but also I've been the X that has moved on quicker than my X, right?
Like both have happened in my life.
And I will say that being the one that moves on first, it doesn't make the healing process any easier.
Like just because in my scenario, when I happen to move on faster, just because I found an incredible person and happened to move on in that scenario does not mean that I was not simultaneously still mourning the loss of my X.
You know, those two things are separate, right?
When you find someone new and you're like, fuck, this is such a great opportunity.
This person is so great.
Like I can't miss out on this opportunity.
You know, what are you going to do?
And so it might seem like your acts is moving on really quickly, but there's a great chance that they're still mourning the loss of you and that it wasn't easy for them to move on.
Because I've had that happen to me, you know, where I have moved on because an incredible opportunity is presented itself, but I was still battling the demons of my last breakup, you know?
So don't assume just because they moved on quickly that it's easy for them to get over you.
There's a chance that they're not even over you yet.
They are. They're trying to get over you, but they're not fully over you yet, you know?
And then eventually they will be fully over you and maybe you'll be moved on to, but don't be fooled by the illusion of my god, they moved on so quick.
I've been the one that moved on quick and it's not because I was trying to be evil.
It's not because I was trying to rebound.
It was because I met a really fucking cool person.
Like, what do you do? What the fuck do you do?
Right? And I now imagine my first boyfriend who I thought moved on really quick, I bet that's exactly what he did.
I thought this person's so cool, we're so compatible.
You know, I'm still sad about Emma, but like, what can I do?
You know, like she's, she's here and she's in front of me and I don't want to miss out on this opportunity.
Yeah, there's that. Somebody said, I need advice on finding happiness alone after a relationship has ended, please.
I think searching for happiness is tough because happiness is hard enough to combine on a day-to-day basis anyway.
But I think you should be looking for is fulfillment, finding things that fulfill you because it's very rare that we feel like extreme happiness, right?
I, for the most part, am leveling out at like a comfortable, like, content, but like happiness is hard to come by.
And especially after a break up, it's even harder.
So I think what you should be searching for is things that fulfill you.
Okay? I've mentioned these earlier in the episode, but in exciting social life, hobbies that are fulfilling and exciting to you and make you feel good that you enjoy doing, that you're doing solely for you in your own fulfillment, taken care of yourself, exercising, cleaning up your home, leaning into your career, you know, whatever that may mean for you, doing things
for you that make you feel fulfilled, that make you feel satisfied, that make you feel proud of yourself, that it helped you build your self-esteem.
All of these things will help you find a better quality of life after your break up.
And it takes a lot of courage because after a break up, you have no energy.
You just want to lay in bed and cry for years and years and years.
But you have to get your ass up and do it because I can, I literally can promise you it will make you feel better.
Like I remember after one of my breakups that was really challenging, I got really into soul cycle.
Like I became obsessed with soul cycle.
I was like, you know what?
I haven't worked out in like three years, I haven't exercised, I'm going to get into fitness again.
And I got into fitness again in that greatly improved my life.
There was community at the, at soul cycle, you know, there, I made friends there.
I, you know, I love the community.
I loved, you know, moving my body every day.
It was amazing. And it was the hardest thing I ever did.
Like I really didn't want to rip my ass out of bed and go and do anything.
But for some reason, soul cycle was the one thing that I would get myself out of bed to do.
And it helped me heal like exponentially faster than if I just continued to lay in bed.
And it actually became something that I really cherished in my life and enjoyed.
And it sounds cringe because it's like, oh my god, I'm a soul cycle.
It's a cycling class. Like shut the fuck up.
But this is the truth. Like soul cycle became something that even after I healed from the breakup, I really valued, I valued the community.
I valued the physical activity.
And that has not stopped since I don't go to soul cycle anymore.
But I do workout classes still.
I've found new ones that I like even more.
And like, I'm forever changed from the discovery of fitness that that first breakup sort of inspired.
So it'll help you with the breakup.
But then it'll be a gift that keeps on giving for years to come.
This episode is brought to you by BetterHelp.
One skill everyone can benefit from is learning how to take time for themselves.
I have been implementing a lot of self care rituals recently because I was not taking nearly enough time for myself and it was negatively impacting my brain.
One thing that I've done is not allowed myself to doom scroll on social media in my time spent alone.
I find that that just ruins the recharging benefits of being alone.
I've been making more time to read books, do art and exercise because I find that all of those things make my alone time even more effective in terms of recharging.
Whatever your schedule looks like, it's important to do stuff for you.
Especially when life gets hectic, that's when you need self care the most.
If you're struggling with that, I recommend therapy.
A lot of times we have a vague idea about what will make us feel better in our lives.
But it can be really hard to make a plan and set it into motion ourselves when we don't even know where to start.
Having somebody to talk to can be incredibly helpful when it comes to making a plan.
If you want to give therapy a try, check out BetterHelp.
It's entirely online and designed to easily connect you with a therapist.
You can even switch therapists at any time for no additional charge.
Never skip therapy day with BetterHelp.
Visit betterhelp.com slash anything today to get 10% off your first month.
That's better help at lp.com slash anything.
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Somebody said, my friends with benefits started liking me and I couldn't reciprocate so I ended things.
But now I miss him and I don't understand why or what to do.
Well, anytime you're being like physical with somebody over an extended period of time, you're going to become attached to them inevitably.
It's just it's inevitable.
You're going to become attached in one way or another.
And I think that that's the risk of friends with benefits is you might not want to date them, but you are doing something, you know, having sex or hooking up with them or whatever and whatever way.
You're bonding with them in a very intimate way and you're becoming attached to them in one way.
Naturally, when it comes to friends with benefits, one person at least is going to start liking the other.
Because you must like each other a little bit if you're having sex.
So in when you have sex, you learn so much about the person and you become so close to them in such an intimate way like it's natural to then start to like the person in a serious way.
I think you miss them because you do like them in a way.
You do have feelings for them.
You would not be having sex with them if you didn't.
That's why you miss them.
I think you should really look inward and ask yourself why you wouldn't date them.
What is it? Because you obviously like them a little bit, right?
If you're hooking up with them, you must like them a little bit.
Why wouldn't you date them?
You know, what's the reason?
Because you might have some sort of limiting belief about this person that actually is unnecessary.
You know, and it's actually preventing you from potentially having a great relationship with this person.
You know, maybe your limiting belief is like, I don't want to date a finance guy in this guy that works in finance.
Like, I want to date a musician or I want to date an artist or something.
Okay, but you like, you clearly like this person a little bit because again, you were having sex with them.
You would not even casually want to have sex with somebody that you're not interested in at all, especially repeatedly.
So check in with yourself and see if you have any limiting beliefs that are preventing you from dating them or preventing you from admitting that you like this person because it might be something that you actually want to give or try.
But maybe you have a valid reason for, you know, not wanting to date them.
And when I say valid, I mean, valid to yourself.
If that makes sense, like not valid to any external people, you can do whatever you want.
It's up to you, right? But like, maybe the reasons why you don't want to date this person are actually completely rational and fair.
Like, we're not compatible.
Like, we don't really like hanging out.
We just have really good sexual chemistry.
But like, when it comes to actually hanging out, not having sex, we don't really get along or whatever.
In that case, you have to just accept that you miss your sexual relationship with this person, but dating them is not going to work.
So you must set that person free and more than the loss of that person.
That's all you can do. And I already talked about handling the breakup, even though this isn't a full breakup, but it's sort of a breakup.
So when it comes to moving forward, the advice from earlier still applies.
Somebody said, how to know if you're falling out of love.
You know, this is tricky because in relationships, there are ups and downs.
There are moments when you feel so in love and so excited and so passionate and so excited.
And then there are moments when it's just sort of normal and you don't have that excitement and things are just kind of bleh.
And when things are kind of bleh, that's normal.
It's normal for that to happen.
That happens in every relationship.
Things aren't going to be fiery, lustful and exciting all the time.
In fact, I think in a really healthy relationship, they're happening probably less than you would expect because that's unrealistic.
And so I think when it comes to figuring out if you're falling out of love or not, I think it comes down to the question, am I okay with living without this person?
Now I think we all should strive to be okay without anyone in life, right?
Like try to be as independent as possible so that it's just, I think it's healthier in a lot of ways.
But ask yourself, how would I feel if we broke up?
And if in your head, you're like, honestly, I'd be relieved.
Like I just, I would be relieved.
Like I kind of, it kind of sounds delightful to be honest.
If you ask yourself for a month straight every day, how would I feel if they broke up with my significant other?
And every single day, you're like, oh my God, I wish I could.
And every time that you ask yourself, you become more and more excited and inspired by the idea.
I think that that's how you know if you're falling out of love.
If you're in a relationship and things are feeling kind of black, but when you ask yourself, how would I feel without them?
You're like, I would be a mess.
Like I, it would be bad. It would be tough.
That's not falling out of love.
That's just being in sort of a mundane phase of the relationship.
Somebody said, can I change my girlfriend or should I just drop her?
Okay. To me, it sounds like if you're just like toying around with like, or should I just drop that bitch?
I don't think you respect and cherish this person enough to be with them.
I think you should drop, if you will, quote unquote, because for the most part, we can't change people.
We can grow together. We can evolve together, but people are who they are.
And if you're like, eh, do you think I can change this bitch or should I just drop her?
No, no, I don't think you're ready to be in a relationship either if you're talking about it like this.
Like I don't think that you're fully ready to love someone and accept them for exactly who they are.
And you know, respectfully let them go if it's not working out.
Like, sing or should I drop her?
I don't drop her is crazy to me.
Anyway, let me make the answer more concise.
Can you change your girlfriend?
Probably not. You can learn and evolve and grow together, but you can't change her.
She is who she is. Do you have to choose to accept that or move forward?
And then you saying, or should I drop her?
It sounds like you don't truly love her in a deep enough way, just from that wording.
You don't love her deep enough.
So I think you should break up to be honest, because breakups are not that light and airy.
They're usually much heavier and more serious and more painful than that.
So I think, I think just break up.
And I think it's not the right match.
It doesn't seem like you love her.
I think you should break up.
Because there's things about everyone that we don't like.
All of my friends, all of my family members, people I'm with romantically like whatever, everyone has things that maybe in theory I would change about them.
All of those people that I just mentioned also have things that they would change about me, right?
But we all choose to love despite, right?
And it's not even like a question, like, oh, should I change my loved one or should I just drop them?
Like, I love them so deeply and so much that it's like, no, I'd rather work through the challenges that come from, you know, their traits that are challenging for me.
It's not even a question whether or not I'm going to drop them.
It's just a question of how are we going to get through this together?
And so if you're not in that mindset when you're dating, I think it's time to break up.
And last but not least, somebody said, would you forgive infidelity cheating?
Should I? You know, I've almost always said I would not forgive cheating.
And I think I do stand by that.
Do I think that people can change?
I actually do. I don't think I believe in once a cheater, always a cheater.
I do think that people go through phases in their life where, you know, their morals are not as intact and they do shit that they regret.
And I really do believe that people can change.
And so I don't believe once a cheater, always a cheater.
However, if someone cheats on me, if my boyfriend cheats on me, I will never be able to trust them the same again.
The relationship will be permanently tainted.
I would rather be with somebody who's worst nightmare is to cheat on me because they value our relationship so much because that's how I date.
When I'm dating somebody and I'm really deep in it and I love them, it's my worst nightmare to cheat on them.
I'm like, I'm like afraid to go out without them even.
And this is extremely unhealthy.
So don't do this. But I have been in relationships in the past where I've been like, I'm so into this right now that I don't even want to go out without them because I don't want like to be at a club and for some guy to like grab my ass when I'm walking by and for like my boyfriend to find out, even though it's not my fault.
And then, and then break up with me.
Like, that's how afraid I am of cheating on boys that I love.
And I want to be with somebody who has the same mentality.
I want to have somebody who is so deep in the relationship and so grateful for my presence in their life that they would do absolutely fucking nothing to jeopardize it.
And so I don't think I personally would forgive cheating if they cheated on me.
Would I forgive in excess past if an ex had cheated?
Yes. Would I forgive in ex who cheated on me?
No. I don't think I would.
I would have to break up.
The only exception would be I think if I was like, let's say 50 years old and I have kids with my husband and he cheated on me because he's like having a midlife crisis or something and it has nothing to do with me.
He's just having a midlife crisis and we've been together for 40 years.
You know what I mean? Well, I guess it wouldn't make sense if I'm 50.
That would mean we would have had to start dating at 10 years old.
Okay. So let's say we've been together for 20 years, 30 years, right?
And you know, they're having a midlife crisis.
It's a personal issue. Like it has nothing to do with me.
I might be able to forgive and move forward for the sake of my family, but it would be very challenging and I might even still divorce.
I don't know. But I think I would try to push through it because you know, we've now made a promise that's far bigger than just dating, right?
Like in dating, it's like, I'll go find someone else like who won't do that, right?
To marry and have kids with, you know, to be my life partner.
Like if I'm not married yet, why, like why not go find someone else?
You know, there's a lot of fish in the sea.
So if someone cheats on me, I don't want to get married to somebody who cheated on me.
Somebody cheats on me 30 years after marriage.
It's like, fuck, okay. Well, let's figure this out.
You know, why did this happen?
But I think in the dating phase, fuck, I don't know.
I'm out. I'm out. And speaking of that, do you ever wonder like if you've ever been cheated on and you don't know it?
I have so many suspicions that I've been cheated on in times when I've not actually had confirmation.
Like I don't want to, I've had like suspicions, but never had them proved and, oh my God, I'm so curious.
Like I wonder if I've been cheated on and not known.
Ooh, I want to know. Oh my God, it'd be fun to know.
Oh, but I'll probably never know.
Anyway, that's it. That's all I have for today's advice session.
I hope that you enjoyed it.
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Thank you all for listening and hanging out.
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