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or what if this person that I'm supposed to be happy with also betrays me, also hurts me?
So there's their obsessive thought.
And again, go to theoverwhelmedbrain .com and look up that term obsessed and you'll find several articles and episodes that should help you.
But I'll give you some quick thoughts of mine right now.
The first thought is when you are thinking about what could be, you never enjoy what is.
One of the steps out of my obsessive thinking way back when is I realized that I wasn't enjoying what is.
And I also realized that if what I feared happening never happened, then I have missed my entire time together with the person I'm with.
If what I feared happening never happened, then I missed the time I have together with this person.
I missed the fun times, the good times, the laughing, the joy, all the positive stuff.
And I don't want to miss it because what if I and this is my own thought process, what if I die tomorrow?
What if they die tomorrow?
That's another step I took out of obsession is asking myself okay, what if this person dies tomorrow?
Was it worth obsessing that they might have been talking to somebody else or thinking about somebody else, was it was it worth it if they died?
So that's one question to you.
What if they died tomorrow?
And I know you don't like to think about that, but if they died tomorrow, would you be okay with the obsessive thoughts you had today?
I know the answer, and you know the answer.
Of course the answer is no, of course not.
In fact, I want to enjoy the time I have today.
But that's my first thought to, you know, plant a seed in your mind about how you can stop thinking about what might not ever happen or will never happen.
We don't know. And if you obsess about things you don't know you will be anxious.
You will be fearful of the future.
You will just carry this fear and maybe anxiety throughout your life because you're always thinking about what probably will never happen.
So that's future thinking instead of present moment being.
I'm thinking about what could happen what might happen what I don't want to happen.
It's all fear. I don't want to think that way.
So how do I get out of that.
Well I got to remember that yes anything could happen.
My partner could get hit by a bus tomorrow and die so should I have spent my time obsessing about who they're talking to or are they gonna leave me?
I don't want to think like that.
I would rather enjoy the now.
I know this is not going to solve your problems, I know that this isn't the magic pill, but I'm giving you some seeds of thought to blossom in your brain.
So as they grow they change how you think.
That's one little seed, another little seed, which may or may not be helpful to you.
But for me, when I had lost several relationships, in fact every relationship I've been in, they left me except for one, when I was really young.
But after that, every relationship they left me.
So I got to a point where I thought I better enjoy my time while I have it.
I better enjoy my time with these people while it exists because I know it's not going to last. It's a terrible thought.
Why would I want to think like that?
Because if I know it's not going to last, I want to enjoy as much of it as I can.
I remember when I first met my wife, she said, all these breakups that you had, how can you feel comfortable in our relationship thinking that I could leave someday?
And And I said if I waste my time thinking about what you're thinking about or not, if I waste my time thinking that you could leave me, then I'm not ever going to be able to enjoy the time we have together now.
And that was so important to me.
And I realized that life is precious, life is short, and that at any time, it could be over.
So, do I really want to spend any more time thinking that you might be thinking of somebody else or getting a text from somebody else.
That's just a constant interruption to happiness if we think like that.
And again, I know these aren't magic pills, but I want you to have some other thoughts going through your mind that aren't obsessive.
If you're going to obsess, obsess about how much you really like this relationship or how much you love it and how much you enjoy being together and how much you enjoy spending time together.
When you do that, that's where your focus goes.
I know obsessive thoughts, I know how they work.
They interrupt, they constantly barrage you with their presence.
And in order to stop that from happening, I already mentioned a couple things but this is my third and final thought on obsessive thoughts for this episode.
Look at the overwhelmed brain like I said and you will find all kinds of strategies to help you get through these obsessive thoughts.
But my last one is all about building evidence and when you are obsessed it's because you don't have enough evidence to convince you otherwise.
For example, somebody could get obsessed about an ex and they're obsessive because they want that ex back.
And they become obsessive about this ex because maybe the ex wasn't 100 % clear about the end of the relationship.
Maybe they weren't 100 % convincing that they don't ever want to come back to the relationship.
there's always some sense of hope or some missing piece and so I like to fill in those gaps.
I like to find out if there is any hope or a missing piece and if I were obsessing about an ex and I really wanted her back I would reach out to her and say, is there any chance ever?
And if she said no, that would be the missing piece.
It would finally give me the evidence I needed but the question is what if they say I don't know?
If they say I don't know then my next step is well I need to know within a certain period of time.
I might say it's something like that.
I need to know because I want to move on with my life and if I don't know within two weeks or two months then if you're still in that space I'm going to assume that you don't want to be together again.
So I might do that and that's a deeper topic.
We definitely could get into the weeds with that one but I said this last week I prefer to have a deadline.
I prefer to set a date and say okay if I don't know or if you don't know by this date I have to continue with my life.
That is setting yourself up for a win not a fail.
You set yourself up for a fail when you choose no date, when you say someday or I hope someday that this happens or what if.
What if this happens?
Then what? Then I should continue waiting.
Don't set yourself up like that.
Take out the what ifs.
Take out the some days.
Because when you keep those in your vocabulary then you keep some sort of hope or waiting or even hope not.
You don't want to keep a hope not like I hope that doesn't happen.
We don't want to keep that hope not alive either.
You just want to say on this date I'm gonna move forward because it's never gonna happen.
Now with this person and I'll wrap this up really quick.
This person who wrote and said that they're obsessing about a healthy relationship, how their partner might get a text and that text might be from somebody that wants to take them away and that comes from that old trauma that comes back, that maybe PTSD that you experienced these real things that happened to you in your previous relationships.
So what do you do about that?
And again, my answer, at least this third comment is about evidence, you build evidence.
You need reinforcement, that reinforcement comes in the form of, hey, he just got texted but he didn't leave the house.
Hey, he just got texted but he didn't take a phone call privately.
Hey, he just got texted, you know, whatever it is He got a phone call Somebody visited him at work All the things that you might obsess about you need to build evidence that nothing happened So what are your results?
What is the outcome?
Has it been three years and nothing has happened?
Well, your evidence might be there in a big picture But what you're doing is obsessing over the little things the little fine little details because that's how you're wired now You are wired to look for problems and be suspicious and when you are wired like that innocent people may suffer and so he may be suffering because of that and It's possible that you need just to have a conversation with him look I am still traumatized from these past relationships every time you get a text even though I trust you I get triggered it's not that I don't trust you it's that I'm always suspicious or have been
so suspicious throughout all my relationships that the texting is a trigger for me so I just want to let you know that and see what he says maybe he'll say I'm happy to show you every text I get.
And maybe you'll say no no no no don't do that.
Because if you do that then it makes me look crazy or makes me look obsessive which you say you are.
So I don't want you to do that but I think the answer is should be would you?
I mean that would make me feel better but I wouldn't want to do that forever I just want to do it long enough so that I feel comfortable every time you get a text that it's not something that I need to worry about it and again you have to emphasize I do trust you I just have whatever PTSD I just have these fears that haven't gone away.
And hopefully if he loves you and supports you and wants you to be happy he'll say no problem, no problem, at all here's my phone and that It'll help you build evidence.
But what if he doesn't?
What if he says, I'm not gonna show you every text.
I have a life too. I don't want you to see every text I get.
That's just weird. I don't want that to happen.
And he has a right to say that.
What I look at it this way, if Asha suddenly had some fears like, who are you talking to?
Who is this girl that you keep mentioning?
I would say, oh, that's so and so, here's the message.
would show her because I want her to feel safe.
I want her to feel secure.
And if she's in an insecure place with me, we may never reach a full realization of what this relationship could be.
If you have one person that's insecure in the relationship and that is interfering with the relationship and the other person doesn't want to make that insecure person feel safe, then it may not work.
The relationship may not work if you have someone in your life that you feel insecure with even though they're a trustworthy person but you want to feel safe and if they're not willing to help reinforce your security by giving you quote evidence and reinforce that feeling of security inside you if they're not willing to do it why not that would be my question.
Why wouldn't you want me to feel safe?
Because as soon as I saw it a few times, like the texting, for example, as soon as I saw some of your texts and realize there's nothing to worry about, I won't worry anymore.
That that's how it works, because I just need that reinforcement.
So that's my last suggestion to you, is that build your evidence.
You need evidence for yourself, even if you have to find it in other ways and I have to be really careful here does that mean you pick up his phone while he's not looking it's not a good idea it doesn't build trust it actually betrays trust but what if you can't stop obsessing about it what if you finally decide to pick up his phone and realize there was nothing to worry about ever again and that made you stop obsessing and then you're both happier from that point on.
I'm not saying it's a good idea.
I'm not saying that you should absolutely do that or not.
I'm just saying that I picture a relationship where one person is continuously obsessive because they feel like they don't have enough evidence to stop being obsessive and so they do this one little thing that changes everything and they're happy from that point on.
But I would never suggest that I would only suggest that you have a serious conversation with him and he is willing to make you feel secure, make you feel safe.
That was one of the top, if not the top value that my ex -wife had.
Her value in a relationship, her number one value was she just wanted to feel safe.
and that was the number one value I did not complete I did not fulfill and because of that we ended the relationship it didn't work out.
And so right now you value security you value knowing the truth and if there are gaps in that truth and you need those gaps fulfilled I would hope that your partner who wants to support you and want you to feel happy and feel safe would say no problem I'm an open book you can ask me anything because after a while you're gonna realize this is silly there's no reason to not trust this person because now I have all the evidence in its continues to happen it's repeated evidence that nothing is wrong and nothing is going on and if nothing's going on I have nothing to obsess about the hard part about all
of this is when When you are obsessive about somebody in your life and you're constantly questioning or you're constantly in fear and your behaviors stem from that fear and it interrupts your time together, what ends up happening is you end up pushing that person away.
I think the person who wrote to me even said, I'm doing some self -sabotage process here.
I'm sabotaging my own happiness.
Yeah, that would do it.
Obsessing would sabotage your own happiness just like emotionally abusive behavior.
That's the same thing I I work with emotionally abusive people and I have to tell them what you're doing now to try to control or hurt the other person When you want to have a relationship with somebody that you love and care about But your behaviors show that you don't love and care about them and your behaviors show that all you want to do is control them for your own needs.
And when you do things for your own needs without consideration for the other person's needs, what you end up doing is pushing them away.
And I think you know, this person who wrote to me, I think you know that your obsessive thinking pushes the other person away.
So look up those resources on my website and you'll find out a lot more of when I think about that.
Thank you so much for that.
I wish you the best. I'm gonna get to another issue that somebody is dealing with.
They said that, sometimes their wife shows more emotion to her brother's dogs than she shows me.
The message goes on, but I'm gonna stop you right there.
As soon as you said it shows more emotion to her brother's dogs than she shows me, I sense an insecurity in there.
I sense you not feeling the love and connection that you want from her, and then when she shows it to those dogs, you are not getting that same sense of love and connection that those dogs are getting.
And if that's the case, if that's how you feel, which I think it is, that's what you wrote.
First, let me ask this, if you had a favorite car and you were so excited to see that car and she expressed nothing, she expressed nothing over that car, would you be upset?
that she didn't express that emotion and your answer probably no I wouldn't be upset at least I think that would be your answer because you know that's what I like that's what I enjoy so there's a perspective a reframe if you will her appreciating the dogs loving the dogs having a an emotional connection with them is one way to look at that but a second more important way to look at is let's just say that you saw a car that you really loved and you're so excited about it and you got to test -drive it, would you be okay if she just sat in a chair somewhere waiting for you looking at her watch bored
as sin, and when you came back you said oh my god that was so much fun and she said yeah whatever can we go now?
Would you be okay with that?
Because what what that experience might show you is that she doesn't value you being happy about what you value doesn't mean she has to she doesn't have to be happy about what you value but how does it feel when she's excited for you how does it feel when she sees your happiness and wants that for you you know where I'm going with this one of the things I really admire is when people have the courage to lean into uncomfortable situations in conversations it's so easy to get defensive or shut down or lash out when something challenges our beliefs or worldview.
But those moments of discomfort are incredible opportunities for growth, deeper understanding, and stronger relationships if we can stay open and curious.
That's why I love the podcast, Uncomfy, sticking with moments that challenge us.
It's all about real people sharing their stories of daring to get uncomfortable, pushing through the intense emotions to have hard conversations and come out the other side with more clarity, confidence and connection.
Whether you want to learn how to engage better on important topics, bring more humanity to online discussions or just improve your communication and leadership skills, Uncomfy is for you.
One story is about someone getting disrespected at the pool, something that I can relate to actually, and what happened when she confronted them.
Another is about someone attending a birthday party, but the surprise went all sorts of wrong.
If you're burned out on negativity and division.
Uncomfy is the antidote.
Don't miss it. Search Uncomfy sticking with moments that challenge us wherever you listen to podcasts.
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My last relationship.
My wife loved her, her dog and that dog tolerated me.
He did everything he could just to be in my existence.
I was friendly. I fed him.
I did everything I could.
I walked him. But he was a very one -person dog.
And so my wife loved that dog.
And that dog loved her.
So all I could do was be okay, that my wife was okay.
And be happy that my wife was happy.
and the more I supported her happiness, the less I thought things like that stupid dog takes up all her time, takes up all her energy and she's always happy with him and I don't get that kind of connection and attention and that's good because I'm not a dog.
Back then I may have felt insecure about certain things and showed her that I was insecure by saying something or being jealous or being a jerk around her maybe, but I had to learn that it's important to value your partner's happiness and if what makes her happy is something that you don't necessarily value, first of all that's okay.
but do you value her being happy?
Do you care if she's happy because right now you're focused on, hey, I'm not getting the attention and it's possible, hear me out on this one, it's possible that because she feels that you don't value her happiness in what she values, that she doesn't feel close to you.
It's hard for her to connect with you because it may be hard for her to be with somebody who doesn't like to see her happy and I know what you're saying of course I want to see her happy I do but she spends so much time with those dogs and she's so happy with those dogs that I just feel like I'm left behind well one thing I learned is that the more I support what makes my partner happy the more she supports me the more she connects with me the more love she feels from me the more she comes to me when she wants to talk to share things to be vulnerable to be loving to be happy she wants to be happy
with me and these other things in her life that make her happy the more I support her enjoying those things or people or animals the more she wants to be with me it's just a simple formula that some of us tend to forget so you may not like those dogs or maybe you just don't care whether they're dogs or cats or whatever you're just not an animal guy or maybe they're the wrong animal for you but But when you put your focus on what makes her happy and support it and encourage it and give her more of it.
Hey, let's go see those dogs.
I know you love those dogs.
That is going to increase the bonding between you.
That is my prediction.
That's my crystal ball telling me that if you do this for her, she's going to feel it because I guarantee you right now she feels a lot of resistance.
and the more resistance and the more insecure you feel, that you're not getting love and attention, the more she's going to put the attention on those dogs and attention towards other things and feel more of an emotional connection with other people and other animals and things like that because she's sensing that insecurity from you, she's sensing that resistance from you, and here's the thing in many heterosexual relationships, typically the female wants to be with a secure male.
You know, that's just how it is.
I'm gonna put it out there.
In the many heterosexual relationships, the female wants to be with a secure in himself.
A secure in himself male.
Before anybody writes to me, that doesn't mean about that at all, I'm just I'm talking about a heterosexual couple right now and that's how I've seen it most of the time is that a lot of women want their man to feel secure inside themselves because it's an attractive quality it it shows a sense of leadership that they can take care of things if things go wrong and that doesn't mean either partner can't be a leader I'm just saying that's what I've learned that's what I've seen when it comes to relationships is that that sense of security that the partner notices in the other person can be an attractive
quality and that doesn't mean it works that way for every couple there could be someone who is so confident in themselves that they're narcissistic although that usually comes with a lot of insecurity so that's probably a bad example but maybe egoistic is more what I'm referring to there, but I think you know what I mean.
I remember the words that my ex wife told me when we first got together, I had a lot of growing up too.
I had a lot of emotional maturing to do.
And I remember her words specifically because they just made an impact.
And she said, I don't want to be married to a little boy.
Wow, that totally impacted me.
And the first thought I had is, I'm not a little boy.
I'm a man I, you know, I'm this age, I was in my thirties or something.
And I just remember resisting that I'm not a little boy, but that's what she was sensing for me, she didn't feel I don't want to say safe, which is her highest value.
But she didn't feel as if I were a leader in my own life.
She didn't feel like I could handle myself or handle things if they went wrong she didn't have as much confidence as I wanted her to have in me and I didn't even know that I was causing it but I was a little boy in emotional maturity and so after that day I realized what I had to do I realized I had to be brave enough inside myself to say the things that were on my mind and speak up when I needed to speak up because I was such a I also had fears of abandonment and rejection and had to work on that stuff.
And so she felt like she was with somebody that she had to take care of when she wanted to be taken care of, too.
She wanted somebody maybe not all looked at and addressed and realized that you are worthy and you are lovable because they wouldn't be there otherwise.
The people that love you in your life.
So, thanks for writing and thanks for listening to another episode of the Overwhelmed Brain.
If you find value in the show visit MoreTOB .com and there are options to give back.
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They're they're healing over at HealedBeing .com and with that always keep your mind open because that's how you make the best decisions.
Be firm in your decisions and actions so that you can create the life you want.
Always take steps to grow and evolve.
You are powerful beyond measure.
And above all and this is something I absolutely know to be true about you.
You are amazing!
