I'm AJ Hogue the author of Effortless English.
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Tough advice for young men.
that's the topic today and this really is a podcast for men so girls, women I apologize but this is one for for men, especially younger men good chance that a lot of girls or women will not like what I have to say in this podcast but you know it's not for you you.
So, just relax. And I guess girls and women, the only thing I would say is that if you want to listen, you can consider some of these ideas in case you ever become a mother of a boy, if you have a son or sons.
So this topic was inspired by two things.
One was a question on our community site, our member community site.
An excellent question from a young man asked.
He asked, should I wait to get married until I am well established?
Meaning, he's asking, should I wait to get married until I'm financially stable, successful, etc.?
Or just go ahead and get married before that.
very very good question an important question and I will discuss that exact question in today's podcast later in the podcast I'll give you some thoughts on that and again everything I'm going to say today is for men so it's from the men's perspective giving young women advice I don't, I'm not qualified to do that I think mothers and And other women in a girl's family are the best ones to give advice to girls and women and teach them about becoming a woman and dating or getting married to men.
All those things. Quite correctly, the tradition has always been that the women of the family, especially the mother, is the one who teaches the girls about becoming a woman.
And answers these kind of questions and gives this kind of advice and teaching.
And the men of the family, especially the father, teach their sons.
That's how it should be because of course, as parents we teach our children.
It doesn't matter if they're boys or girls.
we lead them and teach them and do the best we can but when it comes to the specific topic of how to be a good woman how to be a good man it really needs to come from the correct parent or it could be another man or woman in the family, even a grandparent because Because, you know, women have no idea what it's like to be a man.
None. So a mother giving advice to her son about dating and relationships and how to be a man.
She's going to give bad advice, even though, you know, her intention and her, you know, she wants to help her son the best she can.
She loves him tremendously.
but she's going to give him bad and wrong advice that's going to cause him pain and suffering.
Because a woman has no idea what it's like to be a man and the opposite is also true.
Men have no idea what it's like to be a woman because we're not women.
It's the same thing with our daughters, specifically when it comes to this topic of how to be a woman and be a good woman and all these things.
Even though our hearts are in the right place, that one topic is something we can't really teach them.
We can teach them how to be a good person.
We can teach them very general things.
Of course, we do that.
We do all of these things.
But when it comes to these very specific areas of life, the areas of life, it's quite important for mothers to teach their daughters and fathers to teach their sons.
Which brings me to the second reason I'm doing this podcast, the second and inspiration for this topic comes from one of my nephews.
He's a teenager. He has a girlfriend, dating a girl.
And it's not going well.
Specifically, my nephew, like so many young men, a man, in fact exactly like me at his age, is a nice guy.
Very, very, very sweet and nice.
And, unsurprisingly, his girlfriend, while not a terrible evil person or anything, is not treating him well.
Not treating him respectfully.
in fact she's getting more and more and more spoiled and he's getting more and more frustrated and unhappy and he doesn't understand what's wrong because as things have got tougher he's trying to be even nicer do more things for her her, be more romantic.
You know, and he's already doing a lot...
much more than her.
And of course, I'm gonna discuss this and why he's doing things.
The things he's doing are actually making the situation worse.
But here's the problem, the tragedy.
The tragedy for someone like me, someone who's older, who's in their fifties, who's been through all this as a young man and suffered the pain of all of it is to watch it happen to him because his mother, my sister, is trying to give him advice.
His father is not giving him any advice.
His father should be.
But his father's attitude is, ah, he'll figure it out.
He'll figure it out.
Just let him go through it and go through all the pain and figure it out.
The sad thing is, though, it may take him 20 years to figure out.
And he may have, you know, long, long, long years of misery.
And the truth is also that a whole lot of men never, ever figure this area of life out.
their dating and then marriage lives are miserable and they never, ever, ever achieve any peace in this area of life.
It's crazy to expect someone to figure it all out just through trial and error because relationships are so complex. And number two, the propaganda that we live in, movies, TV, books, other people, the whole culture, teaches the exact wrong thing.
And so it's very, very, very, very hard for a young person, or even an older person, to go against all of that and figure out a completely different way.
It's asking a lot, and it's a lot of unnecessary suffering.
This is what fathers are supposed to do for their sons.
And so, you know, my sister is trying to give him some advice.
Some of the advice she's giving is okay.
Like the basic point is that, you know, this girl's not treating you well.
Maybe, you know, she's probably going to just break up with her.
That's actually very good advice.
but other things she says are not so great simply because her mindset is that of a woman and the kind of advice she'll tell him about how to date how to be a good boyfriend how to have a good relationship with a woman it's not going to work This is such a sad part of modern culture.
So so so so many young men and even not so young men lost and confused and suffering in this super important area of life, relationships, no one helping them no one giving them advice no men like fathers have disappeared and get and as I hinted at this is painful for me to watch because it's exactly what happened to me because you know my dad gave me zero life advice certainly nothing in this area of life nothing thing so I was kind of this sweet kind of a bit geeky super nice guy you know going into my teenage years and in America that's kind of when you start dating so I started dating and like
almost every other nice guy out there who dates, I got treated like crap.
And okay, I probably wasn't a very good boyfriend either, certainly not the first time I had a girlfriend.
But eventually, oh, my God, just like my nephew, you know, I read all these books, many written by women, I realize now, or by effeminate men, men who are not masculine.
And they recommended more of the same, be more romantic, be more caring, listen more, basically be more female, act more like a woman.
And I became really good at doing all that, and it made me a pretty good social worker and counselor when that was my job.
But you know what? It made all my pain and problems and suffering for dating worse.
I got less respect from women, less attraction from women.
I was less attractive to women.
I became miserable, and it wasn't until, like, my late 30s that I started to learn the things I'm going to teach you today.
and it completely changed my life for the better after 20, over 20 actually, to be truthful over 20 years of incredible pain and suffering in this area of life girls, women, dating, relationships romantic relationships I finally found first I found some success and actually being able to you know attract girls and and to be treated respectfully by them and eventually I got to get married and then that there was an adjustment there for a few years Learning how to be married.
It was up and down.
But then, finally, to be able to achieve a great deal of peace and happiness and contentment.
Finally. With, well, in particular, with my wife and our family.
And now, you know, actually, we just had our anniversary recently.
we've been married 19 years and we're both, you know, we're happy it's a peaceful relationship I keep using that word peaceful because while young men often are looking for excitement and sexiness and all kinds of other qualities when they're dating reading, I'll tell you that in a long -term relationship, in a marriage, peace is incredibly important.
Meaning, like, you're not always arguing, not always fighting, you're not being bossed around, lots of bossiness, not nagging, not a lot of negative emotions, Emotions, like basically most days are peaceful and happy.
Not perfect, but you can relax within your marriage and within your home.
Because, you know, sexiness and intense romance and passion and all that, It may sound good, and it's great if you continue to have that, but you know what?
It's no good if you constantly have conflict and disrespect and all kinds of other terrible behaviors in your relationship long -term, because that will just grind you down with stress.
And eventually, it will end the relationship.
in the marriage or in the relationship.
So I suffered along over 20 years with no help from my dad, no help from any other man, and only, sort of by chance, I don't know, by fortune, by luck, by grace, I was led to some books.
One of the books I'll recommend, in fact, at the end of this podcast. And after reading the books, I was like oh my god finally I understand that was the first thing and it was like such a relief finally I understand why I have failed so miserably for all these years why I've been treated so badly by different girls and then the next step was to change all my attitudes and beliefs and behaviors in this area of life.
And suddenly it became an area that was fun, that was pleasurable, that was positive.
So let's get into the details, young men.
So, one last thing.
This is why I'm talking about this today.
And I'm going to give you hard truths.
I'm not going to make it sound nice.
I'm not going to say, make everything sound soft, okay?
This is for young men, so I'm going to give you the hard truths that I have learned that have helped me tremendously, that have helped many, many, many other men who have suffered as well in this area of life.
I'm not trying to be mean or nasty.
I'm just trying to be direct and strong about the truth, because you need it.
because I hate seeing other young men I don't want them to suffer for 20 years trying to figure this out possibly go through divorce or divorces especially if kids are involved I don't want them to be miserable I don't want to see men who want a family but then they can't do it because they keep failing in this area of life they're so miserable so this advice is for you I hope helps save you tremendous amounts of suffering so let's talk about it the problem is number one you have been lied to deceived through tremendous amounts of propaganda pretty much every single movie you have watched romantic
movie romantic comedy has programmed you also a lot of books also a lot of people in your life especially mothers and women but a whole lot of men too because as I said most men are completely brainwashed and propagandized in this area too so what's the propaganda?
Let's talk about the lies first, the deception.
The deception is that the nice guy, being a sweet, nice guy is the way to go.
In other words, to be romantic.
And there are tons of books out there, if you read relationship books, how to have a good relationship, how to have a good marriage, how to blah, blah, blah.
They're going to tell you to be softer, to listen more, to be more romantic give more compliments give gifts to pursue to chase or pursue a girl or girls the girl that you're crazy about and to have this incredibly intense intense, emotional idea about this girl that she's just amazing and a goddess, you know, perfect.
Put her up almost like an object of worship.
And by doing this, and by showing her how intensely you love her, how incredible you think she is, and doing so many things for her and trying to listen to her and make her happy that you will win that girl in the end and then happily ever after.
And if there's like maybe another guy like a bad boy that maybe she might be attracted to or if you have to compete with some bad boys you know you're eventually gonna win and she's gonna choose you because you're so so awesome and nice and romantic wrong wrong and wrong again this is a recipe for disaster following that Hollywood romantic Relationship Book formula is a a disaster which will make women not attracted to you.
It will push them away for attraction.
They'll love to be your friend.
It's a great way to make a woman your friend, but then you'll be like one of her other girlfriends.
Or like some gay friend.
She's not going to be attracted to you.
She's not going to respect you.
She's not going to want to be with you you in that way.
Or if she does it, she'll do it, but she's always going to be kind of have an eye out looking for someone else.
This is the lie, the central lie of the nice guy.
Now if you're not a nice guy, you're probably already good at getting girls and whatever, you don't need my advice.
But it's the nice guys who suffer.
don't be a nice guy.
Don't be a nice guy.
Does that mean you should be evil, bad, terrible, that you should lie and cheat and do bad things?
No. It's this word nice that's the problem.
Nice means weak. Nice means wimpy.
Nice means you put other people, especially in this case, You put the girl above you.
Oh, you're so great.
Oh, you're so wonderful.
Almost like you're worshiping her.
It is terrible. It's bad.
It doesn't work. Don't do it.
If you are doing it, stop doing it and never do it again.
Be a virtuous man. That's a better word. Virtuous.
Virtuous means good, but in more of a true tradition spiritual sense.
You can look at the great virtues that are promoted by religions around the world or traditional cultures for men.
They include things like strength, certainly love and devotion, loyalty, courage, Courage.
Honesty. Fortitude means perseverance, means you don't quit.
You got some toughness.
Be virtuous. Be a good man.
Be a great man if you can.
At least be a good man, a virtuous man, but not a nice guy.
Not a nice guy. you don't have to be a big macho man if you're not that, if that's not you.
Okay, so this is not about trying, you don't try to become a bad boy.
See, bad boys are attractive to women because they're super confident.
They're confident. They've got some toughness sometimes, or at least they can pretend to have toughness, but what they really have is confidence, confidence, confidence, right?
The other thing bad boys have is self -respect.
They don't put women above themselves.
And, you know, the bad boys, the jerks, will put the woman far below themselves.
And you think, oh, why would a woman do that?
Why would she be attracted to it?
But they are. You don't need to try to figure out why.
They just are. All women know, but a whole lot, as you've seen probably in your life, A thousand times, I certainly have. Bad boys get women.
They have no problem getting women, even when they treat them badly.
You know, I think it's basically about the confidence because if a bad boy puts a woman below himself, what he's saying is, subconsciously, what he's communicating is, I am important.
I am valuable. You have to work to get me Because I'm a valuable person.
And when you put a woman above yourself, you put yourself below her, what you're communicating subconsciously, not just by your actions, what you're saying is, I'm not valuable.
I'm not as good as you are.
You're better than me.
And that is unattractive.
and it means that that woman and men can do this it's also true with men as well they're not going to respect you they will not respect you and you must have respect so number one you want to be virtuous Fortuitous, but not nice.
Okay? Not nice. Nice just means pleasant and always sweet.
You don't have to be sweet all the time.
You want to be good.
You want to be honest. Sometimes being honest, you're going to be a little tough.
You don't have to be nasty.
You can be honest, but with some kindness.
this. Number two, no pedestal.
Never. This is, a pedestal is like a, like a statue. You put a statue on a pedestal.
It's like you have a statue, you put it up high.
It's like a, it's kind of like a stage a little bit, like a small stage.
You put something up high, high, right?
So if you put, we have in English, we have a phrase, you know, oh, you're putting her up on a pedestal.
You're putting him up on a pedestal.
It means you're putting this person, your idea of this person, up high, higher than everyone else, up above you.
Never, ever, ever put a woman above yourself.
Especially if you're attracted to her, especially if if you love her.
That's totally fine to love her but do not put her above you.
Okay? She's a human being.
Don't worship her. She's not more worthy than you are.
She's not better than you are.
If she is much better than you are you shouldn't be dating her because what are you going to give her?
What do you have to offer?
If you're just some lowly terrible guy and you're trying to date you know some incredibly incredible girl who's, you know, wonderful and virtuous and great?
Well, it's not going to work.
Why would she want you?
So, never, ever, ever.
It's fine, you know, to be, to put her, to look at her as an equal, an equal partner, but never above.
above. This next one is super, super important.
It's connected to these other two.
Never, ever, ever make a woman, a girl, your purpose in life.
Never make a girl the focus of your life.
This is one of the biggest problems so many young men make.
This is a problem that even the bad boys make.
This is a problem and a huge mistake that even men who are very good at attracting women, they still make this mistake.
Do not make girls, a girl or many girls, either one, the focus of your life.
Because what are you saying?
If you do that, you are communicating.
Not only are you communicating, and you are living your life as if your life was not important.
Oh, no, no, no. Just girls are what's important.
You will never get meaning from a girl.
You're never going to find your mission or your purpose in life from a girl.
Certainly not your highest one.
As a man you must find your purpose in life the meaning of your life and you must find your missions in life those incredibly important things that you're going to work on and focus on in your life you must figure those things out and work on them and commit to them yourself and they are separate from women women.
This is where, again, spirituality, something I recently talked about, can be and really is so important.
Because if you put women above God, if you put women above above dharma, if you put women above virtue and truth and goodness and contribution, if you put a girl above all those things, you are throwing away your life and you are living a lie.
I think maybe one reason, you know, people, it's so common, you know, a young man will fall in love with a girl and she's pretty, he's super attracted to her, basically likes her personality and because she's beautiful on the outside, he thinks that on the inside she's just as beautiful, just as perfect and then he puts kind of all his purpose, all his highest goals, all those great high virtues, he just puts them on her and imagines them on her and in her and builds her up to be some kind of incredible angel or goddess but she's not she's not she's just a regular human being in some cases on the inside
she can be quite rotten and this is actually a fate that a lot of very pretty girls do suffer because they get used to getting lots and lots of attention from lots and lots of men and boys and they get used to being able to manipulate men and get what they want from men and they actually become quite rotten spoiled manipulative dishonest not honest people that on the inside they become they're not good at all.
But men will just ignore all that because they see on the outside this incredibly attractive girl and she's good at, you know, of course many of these girls get good at flirting with you and making you feel that they're wonderful.
And so they ignore all the signs that this is not a good person.
And in the end they end up getting cheated on, lied to, heartbroken, all those those things.
Do not make a girl your mission in life.
God could be your mission.
Spirituality could be your mission.
Making yourself, transforming, changing yourself into a truly virtuous, good man could be your mission or one of your missions.
Your missions can also be just things like building a company.
I'm going to be an entrepreneur.
I'm going to build a company and I'm going you know contribute in some way that is very meaningful to you that could be one of your missions traveling world could be one of your missions learning languages and and and it could be one of your missions I don't know becoming a mixed martial artist could be one of your missions getting a black belt in judo could be one of your missions these are things that add meaning and purpose to your life but don't make it a girl no matter how much you like her it's fine to like her it's fine to love her but she's not the meaning of your life Connected to this,
next point, never, ever, ever seek validation from girls.
What does validation mean?
Validation means, this is like a psychology term people use.
When you're looking for validation, it means you're looking for someone to say, you're okay, you're good enough, you're a good person, you're respectable, you're worthy of being loved.
You're lovable. okay this is another one people we people grow up maybe they grow up in a family where they don't feel so loved so then they start you know these young men go looking to get that feeling of love from a girl and so they're needing they're looking for that validation you know make me feel like i'm lovable make me feel like i'm good enough it's a deep psychological psychological need.
Many times they don't realize what they're doing, but you need to look at yourself and see if you're trying to do this.
Because you're never going to get that validation that you're good enough, that you're a lovable person.
You're not going to get it from a girl.
You're not going to get it from any single human being.
that can only come from you and if you're spiritually minded it can come from God that's it it comes from deep within your own heart and from God and that's all don't look for that from another human being because it will lead to misery because the other person, the girl is going to feel your neediness.
And while you might think she's this perfect goddess, she knows inside that she's not and that she can never give that to you and it's going to kind of emotionally start to push her away.
So don't look for that from a girl.
It's not fair because she can't give that to you anyway.
All right. now let's get into the actual details of dating okay oh you're a young man you want to date you want to date you want to date a girl so what do you do?
how do you go about doing this?
some guys are naturals it seems they've got that confidence they're good with maybe they're super social they're good with girls they're good with women they're good you know great if that's you again congratulations congratulations, fantastic, happy for you.
But for a lot of us, that's not the case.
And so, so many men, really good, good guys, you know, like kind -hearted, intelligent, creative, wonderful men, young men, struggle so much in this area.
And then they start, you know, they fail, they fail, they fail, they start thinking it's, oh, it's because I'm not good enough or nice enough.
Or then they, they may say, oh, it's because I'm not handsome enough.
That's not it. Okay.
It's not it. Oh, it's because I don't have enough money.
That's also not it.
Okay. It's, it's a confidence issue.
It's just, it's the things I'm teaching you now.
All right. So let's talk about dating.
First of all, you need to figure out really be serious about what is the purpose of dating?
Why date? Why are you dating a girl?
Okay? Because this is the first problem that so many young men have. Is they do it for the very wrong reasons.
I did it for 20 years for the wrong reasons.
I'm guilty of all this, okay?
This is... I made all the mistakes that I'm telling you not to make.
All of them. Every one of them.
And I suffered for all of them.
So don't feel bad. If this is you, I'm not criticizing you.
Okay? Not at all. Not at all.
I know where you're at.
I know how tough it is.
I know how confusing it can be.
You're getting all this crazy advice and nothing's working and you're so frustrated.
I knew it's not because you're a bad person it's not because there's something wrong with you there's nothing wrong with you, you just don't know your strategies are bad and because you've gotten so much propaganda so much deception, so much terrible advice nothing's getting better so, number one, why do you date?
There's a lot of reasons we go out dating We feel lonely, that's a common one We're just attracted to girls You're a young man, hormones, all that stuff Connected to that is sex Let's be honest, sexual attraction, sex In certain cultures, young men are looking for that Just companionship, like I said I think that was a big driver for me for so many years I was just lonely Lonely.
After I left home, I left my parents.
I had no family. I'm out there in the world by myself.
And I was really lonely at many, many, many, many points in my life.
And I just wanted someone to be there with me, like a partner at least or something, right?
And yes, there was attraction and all that other stuff too.
But these are all terrible reasons to date.
first of all, they're not virtuous reasons.
Second of all, you're creating the seeds of failure when you try to date for these reasons.
If you're dating because you're lonely, guess what?
We're right back to the same problem of the pedestal of trying to find meaning and purpose from a woman.
trying to make her fix your life or make it better or fix how you feel about yourself no no no because right away that makes you needy emotionally needy which means weak which women are not attracted to you know a lot of men don't respect that either but I think men can be more understanding of other men who who may be weak and struggling, but women can be kind of heartless about it, especially if you're talking about dating and actual wanting to have a relationship.
They'll be nice to you if you just want to be friends or if they're like your sister or your mom or something.
But if you start showing interest in them or telling them you want to date them or go out with them, man, they can become cold -hearted very fast. Many, okay, if they sense that neediness and weakness.
and this is not fair anyway it's not fair to try to build a real relationship that's going to succeed it can't be based on you being lonely and wanting this woman to fill this emotional hole inside of you because you feel such loneliness in life or you feel a lack of meaning if you feel like you have no purpose so oh well maybe that feeling of being love being in love distracts you from that from not having a purpose not having meaning feeling kind of depressed feeling lonely and so you think oh well if i have this woman oh all those problems will disappear because i'll have this great woman that i'm
imagining is so perfect.
But even if you managed to date the girl, even if you managed to become boyfriend and girlfriend, even get married, you're dooming the relationship because these things are going to, little by little, kill her respect for you, her attraction to you, and eventually kill the relationship either you end up getting breaking up or getting divorced or she just starts treating you badly and then you're miserable.
So if you're lonely, you need connection you need social connections in life.
And so you need to go out there and solve that problem first before you try to go date a girl.
Get out there and make some friends, get a group of men, a group of young men, old men, whatever, a group of men who are friends, you know, you need to have friends, you need to have all kinds of friends, close buddies and friends that you do lots with and guys maybe you just, maybe you go and start doing jujitsu and so you got guys at the gym and you just see them at the gym and you chat and you got that connection, you need to create a social life for yourself if you're lonely some guys do better with just a few friends they're more introverted, they don't need a huge social circle they don't
want to be going out all the time but they need something, some kind of connection and other guys need or want to be very, very social they want to have a lot of friends, lots of activities they never want to be alone neither one is wrong but you just got to solve that problem first and you do it not with girls, not with women, but by getting out there and creating a rich, connected social life until you're not lonely anymore.
If you're religious, you can join a religious group, join a church, a temple, a mosque.
You can join different sports groups.
I think martial arts are great.
Join a martial arts school because it gives you such a, it's such a great way to connect with other men, especially.
You know, it's bonding.
Training together bonds you.
It does. It creates a connection because you're doing something that's hard and tough.
And you're fighting, practice fighting against each other.
And it does. does. So I recommend judo, jiu -jitsu, boxing, mixed martial arts, even things like fencing, wrestling, whatever you can find.
Karate, taekwondo, anything like that.
And if that's not you, you can find other hobbies and activities.
But get out there and get busy.
don't just sit around in your home feeling lonely get out there and focus on male friendships male friendships make good male friendships first before you start trying to date or get married in the modern world usually dating is the first step before marriage right and and in fact, that's my next point, the purpose of dating should be marriage.
I mean, just to be crass and kind of rude, if all you're looking for is sex, you don't need a relationship, okay?
You can just go to a bar and pick up drunk girls and have sex with them.
I don't recommend it.
But if it's just sex, then why torture yourself and a girl trying to have a relationship when that's all you're really looking for?
The purpose of dating is to find a girl that you want to marry and make a family with.
That is the original purpose of dating.
I know now people date for all kinds of reasons, for excitement, because they're lonely because you know many reasons and I did too and it was a bad idea there's nothing wrong with not dating there's nothing wrong with not having a girlfriend and not dating for a long time there's no hurry just because you're 18 just because you're 20 just because you're 25 or 30 doesn't mean oh my god, I have to have a girlfriend by now.
You don't. And you're lucky because as a man, biologically, there's less time pressure.
You know, in terms of having kids.
Women, there's definitely more of a time pressure, a biological clock, we say, right?
But for men, you know, men can have, look at me.
I had kids. my children were born when I was 50 years old I don't recommend waiting that long but biologically it's possible for men and if you have a younger wife obviously the second thing is if you're dating dating, if you get clear and you date for the purpose of marriage, you realize, okay, well, this is it.
I'm really, I'm looking for someone, a long -term partner.
Some people use that phrase.
People are afraid to say marriage, especially men sometimes.
But the truth is, okay, if you're looking for a girlfriend, well, eventually what?
You plan to just, are you just looking for a girlfriend that you're going to hang out with for a few years and then dump her?
No, you're probably, the idea is that you hope your hope is that it will continue and continue and eventually that means marriage so if you realize that's the purpose of dating if you take that as the most virtuous and it's the best purpose for dating then when you're dating dating you will be careful about the girls you choose to ask out the girls you become interested in the girls you try to date because if you're dating for marriage if you're thinking long term it can be a very different type of person you're looking for than if you're just following your attraction and following your feelings
right now in the moment a mistake that so many men we all do this and we get burned a lot of women get burned for the same reason we're attracted to a girl she seems so, so cute so beautiful, so amazing oh and she's funny too and oh and I like her and oh she likes me and you start dating her and you just kind of ignore a lot of the problems You're not really looking at her as a future possible wife, as a future possible mother to your children.
You're just attracted and having fun.
The problem is that many times men will end up getting married to the girls that they were attracted to and having fun with.
And then they discover, once they're in a marriage, oh my god, it all goes bad very fast. And they suddenly realize, yikes, this is not a good wife.
She would not be a good mother.
Hopefully you don't actually have kids and then realize she's not a good mother.
But that happens too.
And again, this is also a problem women have. where they marry that guy because they're attracted and having fun and then they discover he's a terrible husband he's a bad father that's brutal that's horrible that's pain and suffering is what that is so when you're dating don't even don't even try to date a girl just because she's attractive you before you even consider it let's say you are attracted oh there's this girl you're looking at a girl, maybe you're using dating apps, whatever it is.
You want to think about, okay, what am I really looking for?
You want to try to get your feelings out of it.
Okay, this is just like investing.
If you read books about investing, like buying stocks and making money.
The number one advice these guys, like Warren Buffett, and was it Ray Dalio, and all these guys have made billions of dollars with stocks and trading and investing.
I've read a lot of books from these guys.
The number one, number one, number one, number one thing they always say is take the emotion out of investing.
Never buy or sell because of emotion.
Because if you buy or sell because of your feelings, because of being excited, because of being scared, you will lose money, possibly tons of money.
You will make bad decisions, bad long -term decisions.
So, for example, as you've got a stock and suddenly the price starts crashing and on the news they're saying, oh my God, it's a huge recession, oh, the economy's crashing, ah.
And then people get all panicked and they start selling, selling, selling.
Just emotion. And then quite stupidly, they sell everything and they lose a bunch of money because everybody else is panicking the price crashes they sell at a low price they lose a ton of money and then like a month two months later that price bounces back up and they feel like idiots and the same thing can happen with buying right Pete there's all this excitement oh AI and oh maybe let's say and then so people everybody let's invest in this AI company and again Again, it's just emotion.
And then what happens several months later?
The company goes bankrupt or just crashes.
The price crashes. Again, they lose tons of money.
So these guys always say, take out the emotion.
No emotion. Never trade.
Never buy. Never sell from emotion.
You want to have a clear -minded, unemotional view of your investing.
You want to examine each stock, each company.
you know the market situation your goals all of this you want to examine it with a clear calm mind and then base your decisions on those you know clear calm goals and judgments and understandings and this is how like these guys can often go against the market they go against what everyone everyone else is doing, everyone else is panicking and they're selling, these guys say, hey, I'm going to buy now.
I've been looking at these stocks, these stocks are now really great price.
And I know it's a good company, I know it's a good stock because I've been researching it, you know, no emotion.
So they see it drop to a certain price and they just, they buy.
Everyone else is selling because they're scared.
this is the same thing when you're dating and especially because if you have the mindset dating for marriage eventual marriage doesn't mean you get married you're looking to get married right now but you just realize that that's probably the end goal okay so what you do is you sit down and you think about okay there's a certain kind of girl i'm attracted to maybe you like party girls and they're like to drink and dance and have fun and go crazy wow they're wild you know if they look good they can be you know that can be very sexy it can be very attractive for sure okay but if you sit down and calmly
take out the emotion and you think long -term okay I'm looking for you know a wife I'm gonna be in the same apartment or house with them every Every single day for the rest of my life, possibly.
I'm going to have children with them.
They're going to be raising my children as the mother.
What kind of woman will make a great wife and a great mother and will be a great fit for me?
and also, of course, you also want to think of, and what kind of woman can I make happy?
Will I be a good fit for them?
And then maybe, if you're smart, you kind of realize, ah, you know, the party girl who drinks a lot she might be hot and sexy and funny and really fun to hang out with but, you know, what's that gonna be like five years from now, ten years from now?
Is she gonna just get bored with me me because you know now i have we have kids do i want that kind of girl as my the mom for my kids do i want to be just hanging out with that kind of girl ever maybe fun when you go out for a club but do you want to do it in your house every single day is she going to be loyal to you or is she likely to cheat on you right you start making these clear decisions when you do it when you're calm just by yourself you start thinking this through thinking it through write it down write it down and then when it's time to date when you actually are out in social settings
and you're meeting girls or you're you know doing online apps whatever you're doing even though you're going to find yourself being attracted to other kinds of girls for all kinds of different reasons stick with your plan that you made without emotion don't base it on emotion I know this seems crazy because the movies show us every movie it's just oh the guy is just crazy passionate, emotional and there's no logic or reason at all he's not thinking about any of this stuff well up?
That's all, that's a recipe for disaster and unhappiness.
Okay. You want to do this and you want to look at it, look at and choose girls based on these qualities.
And what are some of these possible qualities?
Well, I'll give you an example.
Like in general, you want a virtuous, virtuous, just as you are trying to become a more and more virtuous man you want a virtuous woman not just exciting not just sexy not attractive not funny not all these other things we get attracted to virtuous good I mean really good if the look at her behavior behavior.
You want kindness and kindness not just to other people but to you.
This is so important.
Do you want to live with an unkind person?
Do you want to hang out and spend tons of time with someone who's not kind?
No. So you want someone who is virtuous, someone Someone who's good, someone who is loyal.
Someone who's forgiving, someone who's patient.
This finally brings us, if the purpose of dating is marriage, to the question that I got on the website, our social community site.
Should you wait or not to get married until you're successful.
Don't wait. I mean, if you've met this girl and you've made a decision with the girl, of course, you do fall in love with her, okay?
But it's not just based on a quick and exciting attraction.
It's based on these deeper qualities.
Because it's these deeper qualities and virtues that are true love.
Love that can last for 19 years, 25 years, 40 years.
The attraction, the excitement, the passion, all those things will not last that long.
Usually they just last a few months.
So then what? Then what?
What keeps things going is true love based on these virtues.
choose and mutual respect for each other so my advice anything should I get married the guy asked should I wait should I like try to build up and become successful so he's really talking about financial success and my answer is no you should do it before you're financially successful now you should You should wait to get married until you are internally a confident, happy, satisfied person.
As I was saying before, if you're lonely and needy and have all these issues and problems and you're a miserable person, don't get married.
You're just going to make that other person miserable.
Don't get married expecting a girl to change all of that.
It's not fair to her.
and it's not going to not fair to you either because she can't do it.
No, she cannot. Only you can do that for yourself.
So you want to like be sure of who you are and confident in the life you're living and you want to you want to figure out you want you want to already have a sense, you know, strong feeling about, you know, purpose and mission in your life.
These things can change as you get older, but you need to have something like that.
So all these these things you do need to have before you get married, but money you do not need.
In fact, I believe it's much, much better to marry a girl when you're poor.
Because if you're rich and you marry someone or you start dating, let me tell you, there are a whole lot of women out there who will be attracted to you just for your money and they're just trying to get your money.
These are called gold diggers in English.
It's slang. And if you're rich and successful and then you go out with someone and they act all wonderful to you, you can never be sure, is this what they're really like or they just want my money?
I mean, so many rich people, right?
So many rich men have been through this, right?
They go, So they've got all these women attractive to them just for their money, not for who they are.
And then after they get married, they get dumped very quickly, and the woman takes a bunch of their money.
And then they repeat it again and again and again.
Some of these guys have been married many times.
If a girl wants you to be rich and successful first before she marries you, run, dump her, do not marry her.
because she'll dump you as soon as life gets difficult.
You don't need to avoid struggle in marriage.
You don't need to avoid tough times.
In fact, it can make your marriage much stronger.
I mean, my wife and I, when we got married, it's funny because we got married in the summer.
I was 38 years old.
We got married. I was broke.
Broke. No money. This is right before I started Effortless English.
I was working part -time in San Francisco.
Just teaching English at some school.
San Francisco is a very expensive city.
So we were living, I believe, we were living in the cheapest apartment in the whole city.
If not the cheapest, one of the cheapest. so we got married she's japanese so she did her green card and came over we started living together so our apartment is one room no kitchen and no bathroom we had a tiny little sink we could kind of brush our teeth that's it in in the in the room if you want to go to the bathroom you had to walk all the way down this long hall to these shared bathrooms and use the toilet there was one for men and one for women and he had to go down to the shared bathroom and use the toilet or if you want take a shower the showers were in the shared bathrooms for cooking
we had like a little hot plate it's called just one little small thing we bought it like a store and we put it on this next to the sink and try to cook.
Mostly we'd try to eat out at the cheapest places we could find.
And the apartment was right above a fairly busy street and there was a bus stop right underneath our window.
So most nights there would be, you know, people out there at the bus stop and late at night, all the bars would empty and all these drunk people would be out there yelling and screaming and making noise and a bunch of them would be at the bus stop making tons of noise.
And then there was a fire station and an ambulance station like one block away and it seemed like every, I don't know, at least every hour, super loud sirens.
this is how we lived as a young newly wed couple in this tiny cheap noisy apartment with no bathroom and no kitchen so you know what we look back and we and it's one of our stories we talk about because we shared that together.
And I know, I know she's not after money.
I chose well because she was totally satisfied and happy there.
She never complained.
I couldn't afford to buy her any kind of ring.
she used an old ring for her wedding ring she used an old ring from her mom just a little circle band that was like silver I think and I just didn't have anything I think for a while and now I still don't I don't really like jewelry ring so I've got one now but we don't even really wear rings anymore she never got a diamond ring even after we got money she didn't care and neither do I so I have no doubts about it I know she's not trying to get you know after my money or anything like that and we shared all these experiences together and then what's amazing is shortly after that like the next year
you know because I I started Effortless English that year right after getting married i recorded my original course which you can still buy on my website effortlessenglishclub .com i recorded that course in that apartment and sometimes you can probably hear noises in the background like sirens and i would get so frustrated oh my god i'd be so frustrated because i'd be trying to record a lesson and then a big loud fire truck would come right under our window right i'd be right in the middle of doing a mini story and i'd have to stop it and go back and edit it and cut it out, try again and then boom,
some drunk guy would be under the window, screaming and yelling.
And then something else.
Like it was very tough recording that course in my apartment.
But I didn't have money, I couldn't go to a studio, I had no money to do that.
So it got recorded right there, my wife in the room with me.
Tons of noise, lots of breaks and frustrations, but it got done.
And then I launched Effortless English and it became successful.
and even though it was successful and making good money we could have moved but again to show you what she's like we both talked and we agreed no, let's keep living here so that we can save money because we want to be sure we don't know if the business is going to suddenly change next month so let's continue living cheaply and we'll just save, save, save and then maybe we can enjoy some of this money We can go travel and do some seminars like Tony Robbins and do some enjoyable things that we'd love to do, but we'll keep our rent super low and we'll just stay in this place.
And we stayed there four years, three or four years.
But see, we shared the journey together.
We shared that journey from living in that tiny place with no money, loud, with all the issues, and then we shared the success.
So we got to do that together.
And those shared struggles and then the shared eventually success, that creates a stronger connection and bond and shared history with your husband or wife.
I'm talking to young men mostly today, so with your wife.
and if you just wait if you have the mind I'll wait until I'm you know rich and then I'll get married well then you you never get to share that experience then you just get somebody who just they only know you as a rich guy so I recommend if you found a partner if you found someone who is virtuous who's great who would make a great wife and great mother she loves you you want to get married just do it I don't care how broke and poor you are okay if you have to live in the tiniest crappiest little place do it together just do it and if if you think oh she couldn't handle that she won't want to
do it she's probably possibly the wrong one.
Keep looking. Okay, finally, I'm going to end this.
It's getting long, but it's an important topic and I just, like I said, this is really coming from love, guys, and from compassion because this is an area that so many young men suffer in so much pain.
So I hate to see it.
I'd like to save it.
Okay, I'm going to give you two categories, red flags, green flags.
This is for helping you choose a girl when you're dating and possibly for marriage.
Which kind of girls, what kind of behaviors, what things to look for that say, no, no, no, don't avoid this girl, bad, bad, bad.
And what other kinds of things show you, oh, she might be good, this might be good.
In other words, what signs are bad and what signs are good?
Here we go. Red flags means these are things that are bad, bad, bad, and you want to avoid them.
argumentative, critical, disrespectful, or bossy.
If a girl is argumentative, she likes to argue, she's always arguing with you, she's kind of bossy, she's constantly criticizing you or other people.
Avoid, avoid, avoid.
This is a red flag.
You don't want this girl.
I don't care how attractive you think she is and how great you think she is otherwise.
Red flag, gigantic red Red flag.
Avoid. Okay, because you may think, oh, it's kind of cute now, but you start, you get into a relationship with someone like this.
You're with them for two, three, four, five years and she's just attacking you and criticizing you all the time and complaining all the time and constantly arguing, arguing, arguing.
It destroys your happiness.
Avoid. number two red flag seeks lots of male attention this is a big one guys even girls who seem pretty nice and fairly sweet can show this one and you want to avoid my first girlfriend I ever dated falls into that category any girl who seems to really like to get attention from guys eyes from boys, from men, and is always kind of doing things to get attention from lots of guys or men, who has lots of friends who are men or boys.
In fact, doesn't have many girlfriends, but has a lot more boy friends or boys, who, you know, she goes to a party, and instead of spending lots of time with you, she's always kind of, even if she's not being super flirty, but she's just always looking for that attention and ah she just seems to need it and want it you know attention from lots of guys red flag red flag red flag run away avoid okay cuz this girl's gonna cheat on you I don't care how nice and sweet she seems to be she's just get these some girls get addicted to that attention from guys and they love it and they're always getting
it and then they're always just comparing oh I like this kind of like this guy and they're kind kind of always in their mind, the back of their mind, looking for someone a little better.
Even if they have a boyfriend, they're thinking, oh, maybe I can do better.
So they might have a boyfriend, but then another guy comes along and they're still always out there.
If a girl has a boyfriend, they shouldn't be out there flirting with lots of guys.
It's a huge red flag.
And even if she doesn't have a boyfriend, if she seems to really be focusing on male attention a lot, avoid save yourself a lot of pain next red flag the girl she has a bad relationship with her dad or she has a bad relationship with her mom or both red flags now these there can be exceptions this one's not autumn an automatic one it's not automatically no no no but it means be careful You meet a girl, and you're thinking about dating her, and then you find out, oh, she doesn't like her dad, and her and her dad, she says bad stuff about her dad all the time.
That's a bad sign, man, because most girls will take that bad attitude about their father and they'll transfer it to having a bad attitude about men in general.
It's just not a good sign.
And also, too, same with the mom.
If they have a bad relationship with their mom, this can create other psychological problems. And, again, you want to be careful.
Be careful. Just look more deeply.
If everything else is great, then maybe it's fine, but it's definitely a sign.
Be careful. If she's super career focused big red flag doesn't mean she has to just have no interest it's fine you know I want to be a veterinarian I want to be a lawyer whatever that's fine but if she's like obsessed with it it's like her number one focus and she's just you know like a like a kind of workaholic type of a mindset.
Avoid. Avoid. It doesn't mean she's a bad person, but it means she will be a bad mother and a bad wife because there's only a certain amount of time in the day.
And if she wants to put all her time and energy into a job, a career, that's fine.
That's her choice. But that means she's not going to have much left for you or children or family or anything else.
And honestly, I think this goes the other way, too.
I know that in our cultures, in our society, a man who's kind of a workaholic is sometimes seen as a great thing, especially if he's making lots of money.
But I don't know. I think it's better for fathers to have more time with their kids.
But for a man, for a young man, looking at a girl, if she's just super career -focused, if that's number one, it's also a big warning sign be careful another warning sign connected to their mom or dad is okay is do you like them you usually won't meet their parents unless you start dating but if you start dating someone and you eventually meet their mom and dad and you don't like them this is a red flag it's a bad sign okay because if you don't like them it's sort of like well well, guess who your girlfriend learned most of life from?
The parents. If you get married, you're going to have to deal with those people, her mom and her dad, a lot.
It's a red flag. Be careful.
Again, it's not automatic.
If she's otherwise wonderful and great and perfect, then you can figure a way around the mom and dad.
okay next one Big Red's flag if she spoiled demanding and materialistic see there's a lot in the West avoid run run run this is a giant red flag avoid any girl who acts spoiled who's demanding always wants things what's better things avoid you know example being a girl who's who won't marry you unless you buy her an expensive diamond ring.
No, we're going to have to wait until you can put a $10 ,000 ring on my finger.
Get lost. Get rid of her.
Dump her. Gone. Okay.
You don't want that.
Are you looking, okay, you're not looking for someone you've got to spoil and who's just going to take all your money from you and they just look at you like you're a bank.
okay forget it you don't want that I don't care how attracted attractive she seems or how you know how much how great you think she is now if she has that quality of being spoiled demanding and super materialistic she's going to make your life miserable even if you are rich she's not gonna make you happy in fact especially if you're rich okay avoid another big big big red flag if she dresses slutty what does that mean some girls aren't gonna like this what I have to say about this but I don't care because it's the truth the dress slutty means to dress in an overly sexual way and this is just a version of trying
to get lots of male attention so she wears dresses that are really short she's frequently wearing clothes that are extra tight you know, what I'm talking about and she goes, oh I'm just trying to look pretty, oh it's just feminine now it's slutty, they're trying to get lots of attention and what kind of attention are they trying to get?
sexual attention, I mean that's the only reason to dress that way is to get sexual attention and this is a great power women have they don't like to give it up because it's a great way to manipulate and control men just by if they have a decent body they can dress this way and they can get tons of men to just fall at their feet and do all kinds of things for them avoid that's not someone you want as a girlfriend or a wife avoid avoid avoid if you're just looking for sex fine go to a bar and you can go for those kind of women as much as you want but if you're looking for happiness for a girlfriend
and eventually a wife avoid a girl like that huge red flag another big red flag after you're dating if she seems like she's always busy she doesn't make time for you it seems like you know everything else is more important you're constantly kind of trying to chase her and get her to do things and she's like like, well, I don't know, that means she doesn't respect you anymore.
That means she's not attracted to you anymore.
It's better if you just end it at that point and move on, because it's not going to get better.
Another big red flag, if she has nasty friends, you meet her friends.
If she has tons of guy friends and not many girlfriends, that's a red flag.
She likes male attention.
attention, she's probably gonna cheat on you.
If she has lots of girlfriends, but they're nasty, right?
They're just not good people.
They're mean. They gossip.
They say mean, nasty things about other people.
You really don't like them.
You just think they're bad people.
Well, guess what? That probably means the girl is also bad.
I mean, if all her friends are nasty, maybe she's pretending to be nice right now to you but probably if all her friends are kind of nasty she's probably kind of nasty too kind of mean so red flag she's a heavy drinker next red flag she drinks a lot alcohol i'm talking about right oh she likes to drink she likes to party as they say in english oh let's party I like to party if she likes to party she likes to drink or do other drugs a lot I don't mean like a little bit with some control in a social setting many cultures that's fine but she likes to drink and party no no no big red flag do you really
want to marry an alcoholic do you really want an alcoholic girlfriend no and finally the final one for red flags doesn't like kids she doesn't like kids and she doesn't want kids.
Huge, gigantic, mega red flag, okay?
I think most men do want kids eventually, even if you don't want them now and you don't feel prepared or you're not ready now.
Most men eventually do want kids.
And the truth is, even if you think right now that you don't, there's a good chance that you're going to change your mind.
So if you you really don't want kids now, there's kind of no point in getting married.
I mean, and you get a girlfriend who also doesn't want kids.
You guys never, you don't even have to get married.
Just date. You can live together in an apartment if you want.
There's no need to get married if kids aren't involved.
Once you're ready for the next step of marriage, somebody probably wants kids.
And if you don't want kids than she does, you're the red flag probably for her.
She shouldn't date you.
Don't date if you disagree about this.
All right, let's get the green flags now.
Let's get a little more positive.
So those are things to avoid, general things you want to look for that show, oh, this person's great.
This would be a good girlfriend.
This would be a good person to date.
Number one, they're kind, kind kind -hearted sweet personality this is I think this is like so important they're kind to you they're patient they compliment you they say nice things to you not criticism and they're that way with other people too they're modest they're modest they don't have a big ego they don't think they're so great all the time you know they have some modesty and they dress fairly modestly they can can still dress in an attractive and feminine way, okay, I'm not saying they have to cover up or something completely, but they're not dressing slutty, you know, they're classy.
They're close to their mom and their dad and their siblings.
This one's giant. If they're close to their family, their mom, their dad, and their brothers and sisters, this shows they have such a good role model, such a good experience with relationships.
They know how to get along with each other.
This is great. I mean, this would have been one of the great things about my wife and her family.
I love her family. Every single one of them.
She has a great relationship with her two sisters.
She's very close to them.
She's very close to her mom and her dad.
And I like them all too.
This is another green flag.
You like her family.
You finally meet them and you're like, oh wow, her dad's great.
Oh, the mom's great.
Oh, her brothers and sisters are great too this is a fantastic family that's awesome that's what you want especially if you think you eventually hope to get married because then you're going to be around them a lot and i love this so i love to visit her family like i'm always anytime you want i'll go visit your family anytime you want i love to hang out with them they're fantastic people and they've always been super kind to me this makes your life so easy by contrast when I was young I did have you know a girlfriend whose dad was just terrible and nasty I didn't like him she had a bad relationship
with him her mom was okay so so but I hated going over to see her family and guess what it was a red flag because she uh I'll just say she had some bad behaviors eventually essentially.
Okay. Good with children and loves children.
This is a green flag.
Even if you're not talking about kids now, and even if she's not saying, oh, I want kids now, you know, but if she's just good with them, she likes them.
If you see her around kids, she, you know, can talk to them, play with them, and be patient with them and sweet with them.
Guess what? It shows, hey, probably a good mom probably good mom that's great right the opposite if she's like gets around kids and just like oh god i can't stand kids oh they're so noisy and complains and just gets grumpy around kids that's gonna be a bad mom avoid avoid avoid so but the positive side is she's good with kids and likes kids that's great she's family focused green flag in general family is most important to her, not her job, right?
Not career, not studies, not her, I don't know, girlfriends and social life.
Family is number one for her.
She's very family focused.
And this might mean, of course, her parents and brothers and sisters.
And guess what? It's going to happen.
When you, if you marry her and have a family with her, your family will be important to her, too.
And, of course, to you, I hope.
So, good green flag, family -focused.
Big one, again, green flag.
She supports and encourages your mission and your purpose.
She believes in you and encourages you rather than trying to tear you down and criticize.
If you say, yeah, I think I want to, you know, I'll give you my own life example.
So, we're living in this apartment.
and I'm working part -time or barely making money.
And I said, I think I'm going to try to, you know, start my own business online, doing English online.
And I'm going to, you know, I need to record all these lessons after I do my job and here in the apartment.
Well, my wife was, yeah, okay, good.
You know, totally supportive and encouraging and positive about all of it.
That's what you want, whatever your dream, whatever your missions, whatever your ideas are.
Same too when I said, let's go travel, let's go to seminars.
Once we started having money, she was always super positive and supportive of all these things.
And so that's what you want.
If you have a dream and great goals or a vision or a mission and the girl is just criticizing them all the time and doesn't believe in it, that's a red flag.
If she believes in it and supports you, awesome.
And you should support her for that too.
And finally, final green flag.
she was raised in a traditional family has a strong good spiritual life something higher that is a great green green flag that's a sign yes probably good so you get all those things together and that's like green light this girl is golden and you know what you're going to find in life many times Sometimes, let's say a girl who gets every single one of those is green, green, green, green, green.
You may find that this girl doesn't get as much attention as the hot, slutty girls.
Right? This might be a modest girl, you know, who's pretty, cute, but maybe she's not super gorgeous, and she doesn't dress in a way where she's getting tons of attention from guys, and she's not flirting with tons of guys.
so this might be a girl who's not getting tons and tons of attention from guys but she's gold so don't just go based on your hormones, this is just like with investing because if you just follow what's attractive and sexy to you you can end up with some really terrible people in some really terrible situations you're not looking looking for love, you're looking for long -term love that will last for years and years and years and years and years.
You're looking for family, okay, that's a very different kind of person.
So that's the good news, you know, a lot of guys, oh, there aren't any good girls out there, all the trouble.
Maybe you're just ignoring a fantastic girl, because, Because, you know, there's some, like, flirty, sexy, super gorgeous girl in your social group.
And you're like, she's so great.
And you're all fixated on her.
And probably she's not interested in you.
And then there's another girl in the group who would be, like, perfect.
And you're ignoring her.
don't go based on your you know, on that super intense attraction and desire because that disappears quickly anyway even if you get that hot, hot girl I guarantee after six months it disappears and then she's not going to respect you and then you're in a huge mess and an awful relationship and then there's no more sex and there's no more attraction and there's just misery okay we're as if you focus on that girl who's gold who maybe isn't quite as super hot right away it you can start and then you start to find that your attraction grows and grows and grows with this girl your love grows and grows
and grows instead of the relationship getting worse after after a year or two, it just keeps getting better and better and better.
After three years, after five years, after 10 years, after 20 years, after 30 years, it just gets better and better and better, happier and happier and happier.
Think long term, not just emotionally.
Okay, so to sum it up, number one, here's the attitude you need to have. Number one, A girl is extra.
I'll put this in a different way.
A girl's just extra for your life.
She's not the meaning of your life.
She's not the purpose of your life.
She's not going to make all your problems disappear.
If you're unhappy, she's not going to make you happy.
If you're lonely, she's not going to make you unlonely.
If you have no meaning or purpose in your life, she's not going to give it to you.
She's extra. A girl, a girlfriend, a wife, ideally, is someone you add to a life that's already good.
Make your life great, and then when you add a good woman, a good girl, it becomes even better.
It's extra. She's not going to change your life.
She's someone to bring into your life that's already good.
Number two, attitude.
Dating and marriage are for family, not just for fun and sex or attraction or loneliness or all these other problems. dating and marriage are for family number three a woman will never complete you this is basically I'm just saying number one again she'll never complete you right if you have some parts of you that you think are not good enough that aren't complete you're not going to find a girl who's going to fix all that no no you got to fix all that first you want a life that already is complete and good and meaningful and then you invite her and to share it so much better okay final points
never take relationship dating or marriage advice from a woman I'm gonna make all the women mad out there okay don't take advice from them okay I did this so many times I would ask girls you know either friends who were girls or other girls and women in my life.
What should I do? And they always gave me the same answer.
Oh, be nice. Oh, you're such a nice, good guy.
You're going to find the right girl.
Just, you know, just listen and just be kind.
Okay, women are not going to give you the advice I just gave you.
They're not going to say these things.
Some men might, but you're not going to get this kind of advice from a woman, you're going to get women are going to tell you how to be a good woman.
Be soft, be kind, listen more.
They're not going to tell you these things.
They're not going to tell you be strong, be confident, figure out your mission and purpose in life and live that.
Be careful about the kind of girls you focus on.
Don't be too emotional about choosing girls to focus on.
They're not going to tell you that.
You've got to build your confidence, build your strength, find your mission, find your purpose, be living a great life that you love, become a strong, good, virtuous person that you respect for yourself, and then add the woman.
They're not gonna teach you that, so don't look to women for advice in this area of life.
I mean, I'll give you, I can't tell you how many times I've had female friends, friends who are women, and And I've asked them, oh, what should I do?
How can I get a girlfriend?
I'm kind of lonely.
And they basically give me this advice.
Be sweet, be romantic, listen.
When a woman talks, she doesn't always want you to give advice.
Just listen and be there, be a good friend, a good listener to her.
Oh, you can give her gifts or say romantic things and blah, blah, blah.
This girl would say, let's say a girl tells me this advice.
and then I look at her and what kind of guys does she date did she go out and date those kind of guys no she was dating bad boys dating jerks okay like and I'd always be like why are you dating such jerks right why are you dating these guys they're terrible so they'll tell you one thing and then do the exact opposite okay so look to men and finally this is my last recommendation to you to sum it up to learn more and to learn really some other great truths and ideas.
This is not for marriage.
This is just for basically being more respected by women.
I recommend the book called The Rational Male.
Go read this book. The Rational Male.
M -A -L -E. That's in a man, right?
The Rational Male. The writer's name is Rolo Tomasi.
So the first name is R -O -L -L -O, Rolo, and the last name is Tomasi, T -O -M -A -S -S -I.
The Rational Male by Rolo Tomasi.
Now, I don't agree with everything in that book.
He's not focused on marriage.
He's, this is a guy who's very focused on just sex, okay?
He's just out there looking to go out, meet women, attract them take them back to his place and have sex with them and then dump them and go on to someone else I don't like that I don't recommend it it's meaningless it's empty it's unvirtuous it's garbage it's just lust so I don't recommend that there is some of that in the book I recommend just ignoring that part but there are a lot of other great ideas in the book that can help help go against a lot of this nice guy propaganda that is probably in your head and that is causing you so many problems. So it's still a good book to read for young men.
Just realize that part of it is not good, but there's a lot of other things.
Don't ignore the rest of the book because there are lots of other quite useful ideas and strategies in there that can be very helpful to you.
So I recommend still do that.
Still read that book.
The Rational Male by Rolo Tomasi.
Alrighty, and that is the end of our quite long podcast today.
I know I went very long.
This is a topic I am, this is a heartfelt topic for me, right?
So it comes from number one, having, I experienced a lot of this pain.
I went through all of it, guys.
So all you young men, I get, I get so, So I get these kind of questions from young men all the time.
I don't know, you know, I know I'm an English teacher and I teach kind of success topics, but I don't usually talk about relationships much. But I think the reason is that, you know, there's so many young men who are so confused, they're struggling, they're having so many problems in this area and their dads are not helping them and their uncles are not helping them and their other male friends are not helping them.
and they're just desperate for a more experienced man, any man to just help them, to give them some advice in this area because what they're trying is not working.
So that's the spirit I'm giving this.
And I was a young man just like you in that exact same situation.
And I also, oh, I wish someone would have talked to me about these things.
some man, my father or any other man would have just sat down and talked to me about these things when I was 20 it would have saved so much pain and frustration and confusion so I'm hopeful this will be a little helpful to you go read the book The Rational Male by Rolo Tomasi I have great love and compassion for you for all you young men out there who have struggled in this area of life, and I hope something I said today will help you.
Lots of love to you.
See you next time. EffortlessEnglishClub .com Bye for now.
