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Hello, weirdos. I'm salad fingers.
And I'm the really terrifying and traumatizing burglar from Sims 1.
I don't know you, but this is a roasty spoon.
It's actually morbid.
Oh, I'm terrified. Anyway, it's brought to you by you actually no, it's brought to you by Marjorie Stewart Baxter and Jeremy Fisher and Hubert Cumberdale.
Oh, no, it's actually brought to you just by Hubert Cumberdale and Oh, oh, it's actually brought to you by Jeremy Stewart Baxter.
Oh, Jeremy Fisher, I got confused because you stole all my things.
This is what I do. I don't know, guys.
I got fucking weird in here.
Something's vibrating.
Is it mom? It's my mom.
We're in the middle of this in a tail.
Guys, you thought last time was weird.
This time is even weirder because of this.
Well, should we get on to the Listener Tales?
Yeah, guys, so Listener Tales is weird now.
It's super weird. Listener Tales is literally so weird.
It's fun though. It's so fun.
Because it's after Halloween.
Yeah, and we still get to do fun stuff.
It's still Halloween.
Yeah, it's still Halloween in our hearts forever.
I love this so much.
I'm having a lot of fun.
This is fun. Yeah, I'm kind of nervous about getting this green paint off my face.
I'm obviously nervous for you.
Yeah. What happened was I got a green powder makeup by accident and it worked with water.
I mixed it and I was able to put it on my face, but then it wouldn't work.
I'm a bald cap because I didn't go actually bald for this look.
I just put a bald cap on.
You know, listen, I think I committed.
You did. But did you say you didn't?
I said you did. Oh, I was like, wow.
I feel like damn it.
I feel like I did. But yeah, so there's acrylic paint on top of my head is what I was going to say.
And a little bit on her face.
So and neck. We will see how this is going.
We'll post photos. Yeah, we'll see if there's any kind of irritation happening.
I'm excited to see.
There's definitely irritation happening right here.
Jeremy Fisher is Jeremy Fisher.
And honestly, my thing was so easy to make, but I got this plumb, Bob, you know, this one Bob, Bob the Builder on Etsy.
I love that. So go check him out.
He does cool stuff.
He's easy to he told me how to work it and stuff.
So like Bob forever.
Oh, I'm going to be starting.
Yeah, this listener tales experience here.
Let's go, brother. Let's go.
So this one, I should probably go back and tell you what it's actually called.
Yeah, that's kind of the whole thing.
A little hard. OK, this one's called Listener Tale.
It's more of a yoink than a yeet listener tail.
This one is very funny.
And I like that a lot.
Let's see. I'm going to open it up.
Oh, yeah. Also, we went with like a home invasions kind of theme and kidnapping sort of because it's like your thing.
I know you're not a kidnapper.
No, you're kind of a kidnapper.
You put kids in ovens.
I know you're right.
I just didn't want to talk about it here and now.
Sorry. I never got caught.
I never got caught.
All right, so it says picture it the summer of 1977 in a suburb of Chicago called Cicero, Cicero, Cicero, famous for being the home of the gangster Al Capone.
That's pretty bad. That is really bad scary.
But that, yeah, this also has a picture of Sophia from the Golden Girls on the phone.
Course, like picture in the summer of 1977.
The heat and humidity of the day simmering off the asphalt in a small there it is.
There you go. In a small brick bungalow style home, my mother sauntered about in the stagnant heat of the kitchen.
Her youngest sat upon her hip.
Well, the child so angelic and small was only months old.
Her strawberry red hair plastered to her absolutely adorable and whittle head.
Poetic license will be used and most likely abused in the basement of this bungalow is the rest of the schmucks and staff.
Or I mean, my siblings, my sister Coco, nine at the time, my brother Benny, ten, Joe, eight, Rodrigo, seven and Bobby, five.
They played about in the coolest spot in the house without a care in the world, wreaking havoc amongst each other because kids, am I right?
You're right. You are right.
Oh, and also because boys.
They do be rambunctious.
Anyhoozle, as they played about in the basement and unbeknownst to my mother, a man creeped in behind this is horrifying.
Yeah, a man creeped in between the narrow walkway behind between our home and the neighbors.
He stopped at the small window, a window barely any bigger than a doggy door.
That sat at ground level peering into the basement.
He beat on the window until breaking the glass.
Not the glass, like there's children in there.
I think that's kind of his objective.
I hate that. I know.
I hate him for that.
I do too. Near that window was little Bobby.
That little Bobby, Bobby.
Standing there with his little root beer belly, chubby cheeks, his dark hair growing darker with sweat.
The man reached in and yoinked him out of the basement.
Yoink! And into the oven.
Well bye little Bobby.
Bye bye. I didn't say that either.
Coco, Benny, Joe and Rodrigo ran upstairs to the kitchen.
They reached my mom, started pulling on her shirt.
Mom, Mom! They started yelling.
He grabbed Bobby. He grabbed Bobby.
He pulled him out the window.
So here's the thing.
I would have died if I was that mother.
Yeah. On impact. Your kids run up to you and say he grabbed Bobby.
He grabbed Bobby. He pulled him out the window dead.
How do you react to that?
She throws the baby and goes shit, goes to get the bomb.
My mother, obviously in shock, handed the golden child the beautiful little baby so sweet and innocent to her sister, Coco, and went down to the basement to see the destruction for herself, not quite believing what she heard.
As the kids said, the window was broken with only small shards.
Still small shards.
Small shards. Still only small shards.
What is it? Chards?
Chards? It's shards.
It's shards. Correctly.
OK. It's like shard.
Small shards. I don't know why that sounded so wrong in my head.
Still sticking inside the frame.
The police were called and alerted to the situation.
I'm horrified for your entire family.
Very scary. As everyone went outside to wait for the police, my brothers pointed to the elderly neighbor sitting in the backyard, rocking away on his glider while drinking.
Mommy, he is the man who took Bobby.
No, just went across the street.
No, next to the elderly neighbor was a little dark haired boy with his own drink.
It's Bobby. What the fuck is going on here?
Hello. What is going on?
If you guess that it was my brother sitting with the neighbor, you would be correct.
The elderly neighbor was lonely and just wanted to share a beer and a chat with someone.
I'm sorry. Yeah. I'm sorry.
No. He wasn't all there.
No. Yeah. No. His family was located and called to help.
His son arrived and was very apologetic.
Eventually, our neighbor was placed in a nursing home to get the 24 seven care he needed and all was well again.
That is so sad. I know.
It's so horrifying.
It's so sad on so many levels because childhood trauma immediately for Bobby.
And then, obviously, that neighbor wasn't all there.
Did it mean any harm?
But like, holy shit.
Yeah. Even though there was still glass left in the frame, little Bobby was not injured at all.
And my best Keith Morrison impression, I don't see Bobby drinking much beer.
Could it be because of this incident?
Could it be because he prefers the harder stuff?
We'll never know. To this day, my siblings still refuse to answer the question of did he really reach down and grab him or did you all just lift him up as an offer?
I love it. I love that.
So good. That's a good one.
I like that one. And can I say your name?
You may use my name, April.
April. Thank you for that, April.
I didn't want to call you out if I couldn't.
April, we love you.
That was a good one.
And horrifying. Horrifying, but like had a happy ending.
It did. And it was funny.
Yeah, exactly. So I like that one.
All right. My next one is I think I can say your name.
Yeah, I can. Okay. So this is the time I almost had a play date with a kidnapper.
I hate this. Yeah. Hello, wonderful ladies.
I want to start off the story by saying the usual.
You are amazing. And thank you so much for doing what you do.
I found your podcast while listening to my girls over at National Park after dark.
Woo. Woo. And we love them so much.
And I've been hooked ever since.
My name is Devon. And yes, you can use my name.
Hey, Devon. Hey, Devon.
What's up, Devon? How are you?
This story takes place in the good old early 90s.
Hell yeah. When kids like me often ran around unsupervised outside and I was usually barefoot.
My family didn't have a lot of money.
I lived in a small rented house on the outskirts of Anatoc, I think it is.
I like it. And T -Och.
Somewhere in California.
I just said California.
I have to go. We're struggling.
We really are. It's kind of late.
All right. You lived in California.
Then small city about 30 miles outside of San Francisco in the East Bay.
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It was seemingly a normal summer afternoon and being the oldest child with an infant sibling to entertain me.
I was playing out front of my house alone.
My family, sorry, I need to zoom in because I'm literally blind.
It's who I am. It's very hard!
It was a seemingly normal summer afternoon and being the oldest child with only an infant sibling to entertain me, I was playing out front of my house alone.
My family home had a giant white birch tree in the front yard surrounded by grass and a small garden.
Oh, that sounds lovely.
It's gorgeous. Gorgeous.
The yard was enclosed in a giant cast iron gate.
Thank God. More on that soon.
It had ivy stretching up around it and it smelled of fresh herbs in the summer evenings.
That's gorgeous and beautiful and lovely.
You're setting a scene.
It says my mother was just sorry.
Why can't I do this?
You know, I don't know.
Sometimes it's hard.
You became a different thing today.
I did. That's a lot.
This isn't valid fingers first.
This is Salad Fingers first rodeo.
It is. So give him a minute.
I give him a minute.
All right. This says my mother was just inside caring for my sister when the story occurred.
I was sitting in the grass playing with one of those cheap balls you see at the grocery store and those giant bins that you either wanted to climb into as a kid or throw balls over the top of.
You know what I'm talking about.
Absolutely. I do. I still love those.
I always just picture somebody taking a ball from like the inside or the inside like bottom and then everything just like plummeting down.
Yeah. I love it. It was common for people to walk by my house.
There was a small cafe up the road on the corner and many people from our neighborhood frequented it.
My house also backed up to two separate cemeteries and I spent a lot of time getting to know each person buried in them.
That's a story for another time.
That's a story for right now.
Yeah, Devon. That's always a story for right now.
Come on. I love that story.
I love that. I wasn't in the front yard long when I noticed a strange woman accompanied by a blonde girl, a bit older than myself, walk by with a small child of a stroller.
I was immediately intrigued.
Another child in the neighborhood.
I didn't know them, but I was desperate to have somebody else to play with.
The woman sees my interest and stops in front of the gate to my house.
This startles me as I was taught stranger danger like everybody else.
However, the woman seemed OK and she had kids with her.
How bad could she be?
I was taught that if I was ever lost to find a policeman or another mom with kids so this mom couldn't be bad.
I wandered over to the gate.
Oh no. The woman asked me my name and asked if I lived there.
I said yes and looked to the other kids.
The older girl did not look at me one time.
This immediately threw up alarm bells in my head even as a kid.
So much so that I remember this encounter to this day.
Something so nervous.
Yeah, something was wrong, and even my small child brain knew it.
The woman then asked if I wanted to go play with my ball with her daughters.
No. She reached through the fence and touched my arm a full grip on my wrist.
It was then that I knew something was wrong for real.
The panic set in. My brain yelled at me to step back, but I was frozen there.
Parents always tell you about stranger danger, but how often as a kid do you actually experience it?
I don't like this. She's upset.
The plumb bob. I don't like this at all.
No, no, no. I'm mad.
Maybe sensing my concern.
The woman asked if I wanted to set up a play date and asked if my parents were around.
She quickly looked over to me and around toward the house.
It was then, thankfully, that my mom rushed outside and yelled at me to get away from the fence.
Get the fuck away from her.
Yeah. Get away from that cuckoo lady.
I backed away, releasing myself from the woman's grip and ran to my mom without even another word.
The woman and the girls quickly walked down the street, pushing the stroller out of sight, and I don't remember ever seeing them again.
But the story is not over.
I was going to say, if I was that mom, I think I would have like, lined back her style, tackled that woman.
Yeah. Honestly, what are your intentions?
What are you doing here?
Let's just say I got a very stern lecture from my mom about not talking to strangers that day and never played out front of the house unsupervised ever again.
No. Flash to 2009. Now I'm in high school and I live across town from where I grew up.
I see that on the news, a little girl kidnapped in 1991 was held captive but found on the outskirts of California.
The outskirts of that town, I can't say.
Yes, that's right, ladies.
I grew up and lived around the fucking corner from J .C.
Dugard. Shut the fuck up.
While she was held captive for 18 years.
Isn't that fucking bonkers?
I didn't see that coming.
No, I did not read these ahead of time.
I did not see these coming.
Yeah. What? Yeah. Yup.
The woman I met that day.
Nancy Garrido, I think it is.
The kids I met, J .C.
and her first born daughter, not her sister.
I have I'm without words.
Without words. I'm without words.
Can you imagine? No.
And to know one, to know that you like happen to have an experience where you met her and then two to realize that Nancy was trying to kidnap your ass to add to the whole thing.
Oh, my God. And your mom is probably like, Holy shit, that was just J .C.
Yeah. And your mom's like, thank God I was paying attention.
Yeah. Like she mama ran out there and was like, fuck off my property.
Yeah. I felt absolutely sick to my stomach, to my fucking stomach watching the news.
This poor girl was trapped in hell my entire childhood, only a few thousand feet from where I played and slept and lived every single day.
Wow. My mom and I immediately looked up the address of where J .C.
was found and saw that she was hidden only eight houses away from us on the corner.
The grief I felt that day was insurmountable, knowing I saw her and I met her and her kidnapper as a child and never even knew it.
I can only guess now what might have happened to me if I had gone with that woman that day.
I'm so glad you didn't.
Thank goodness, Devon.
Thanks for listening to my tale.
And maybe later I'll write in about some other tales I have.
Like when I was subpoenaed to testify in front of a court as a witness for when I stopped a home invasion and accidentally broke up a crime ring in my neighborhood.
Keep it weird. Much love, Devon.
Devon, come on! You got to you got to send us those tales.
Some stories, Devon.
You're happy. I guess I'm happy to hear it.
Yeah. Holy shit, Devon.
Crazy. That was crazy.
I did not see that coming.
That shocked me. When I was reading it, I was like, wait, wait, what?
Oh, wow. Sorry, that just like rained off.
Whatever. Damn. That's crazy, right?
All right. That's not.
No, no! Jeremy's mind, I believe you just did that to me.
You can't steal my salad fingers.
He's mine. I got to tuck them back in so they look more realistic.
If you had a rusty spoon, I'd steal that.
I know I actually feel so fucking remissed.
I was going to make a rusty spoon and then I just completely forgot.
That's not something you can just whip up in a minute.
You know what? The rusty spoon is the friends we made along the way.
I like that. Put that on my tombstone and never explain it to anyone.
No context whatsoever.
All right. So the next listener tale is listener tales, home invasions.
Hello, firstly to Ash's cats.
Secondly to you, gorgeous, gorgeous gals.
I'll tell them you said hi.
My name is Molly. OK, really free to use all my names, all the names in the in the thing.
You guys remind me of the lovely relationship between me and my sister and have even inspired us to begin percolating the idea of starting our own podcast.
We both love spooky shit and have some truly hilarious banter.
At least we think so.
We think we do, too.
That's the whole reason we started this.
That means that you're right.
Yeah, you're funny.
I'm not good at expressing my feelings according to my therapist.
Neither is Alina. But you know that I think you are both badass, hilarious, intelligent human beings.
Thank you. Who are you?
I hope to one day be a spooky and cool of a mama's you.
You know, that's really I hope that too.
We share that Molly and get all the same scissor wielding ghosts to fuck right off and leave my babies alone.
I also hope to bring more of an attitude into my life and be unapologetically myself while being rocked to the people around me.
I love you so much, Molly.
You said I love how supportive you've been of Alina's book, which I cannot wait to read.
And you enjoy the absolute cutest.
Thank you. Her book is pretty all right.
Oh, my God. And she's pretty all right.
Tiny URL dot com slash the butcher and accept don't use that because it's not active anymore.
Go to Barnes and Noble com.
Oh, there you go. Anyway, attach our two double spaced put a fuzz for your reading pleasure.
I won't bother apologizing for length because I already know what you're going to say if you read one or both of these on the pod.
TM. I will never stop bragging about.
What? I will never stop.
I broke. I will never stop bragging to everyone.
I know. So we love Molly.
Today we'll read the home invasion tale and then guess what, Molly, you're going to be on back to back.
Listen, her. It's true.
You're coming back.
We'll read New Orleans next next month.
Hell yeah. I've been doing admin.
So this one's called Fuck Kevin and Not in the Fun Way.
I like that. I like that a lot.
2020 was a shit year for a lot of reasons.
One of those reasons is that it's the year that my apartment was broken into and robbed.
Yes, Kevin is his real name and I'm comfortable using it because he was indeed caught, arrested and convicted Kevin by then my then boyfriend, now husband and I congratulations and I were out of town visiting my family.
And we left our precious cat children.
Ari and I like that.
Ari and banks back at our apartment in in Arlington, Vermont, Virginia, Virginia.
Sorry, said Vermont.
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Blue Nile dot com. Spoiler alert, no cats were harmed in the making of this Listen or Tale.
Thank you. We hired a cat sitter to come visit slash feed them once a day.
We were supposed to come back home on a Friday, but made a fateful last minute decision to stay an extra day and come home on Saturday instead.
At the time, I regretted this decision, but now I'm grateful for what we did as it was the last time I saw my mom before she passed away unexpectedly from an undiagnosed heart condition.
Sorry. I'm sorry, Molly.
That sucks. We returned home on Saturday night and my boyfriend commented that he thought the door was already unlocked when he stuck the key in.
That's the scariest I'd say.
Well, you go check the apartment.
And I have to go somewhere.
Bye. We brushed this off because the lock was kind of janky and he was probably mistaken.
We drop our suitcases and I give my kitty some reunion snuggles.
My boyfriend comes rushing out of the bedroom and asks me if I'd moved a small box out of his desk drawer.
I had not. And this is where the red flags started going up.
We searched the apartment some more and noticed that a passport checkbook and other items were missing as well.
That's really scary to think that somebody has your passport like that's terrifying.
The small box that my boyfriend was panicking over contained the diamond for my future engagement ring.
I know he had not given it to me yet.
And this is how I learned that he was going to propose.
Oh, imagine learning like that.
That's so sad. I know.
I plugged our cheap security camera into my laptop and started reviewing the footage video only.
There was no audio.
My heart dropped when I got to the footage from Friday night slash Saturday morning around 2 a .m.
I can see Ari and Banks excitedly trotting up to the door as it began to open.
Mom and dad were finally home.
I see their ears go back and their tails drop as they realize it's not us and they turn around and sprint to find a hiding place.
I see two unfamiliar dickhead men.
Sorry, I added that.
Just men come through the door.
Unfortunately, I can't see their faces because the camera was pointed to the floor.
It was positioned that way because we bought it to keep an eye on the cats, never expecting that it would capture a robbery.
I break out into tears and call my mom while my boyfriend calls the police.
Two young women police officers show up shortly after, and I'm grateful to them to this day for how comforting and kind they were as they took our statements and dusted for fingerprints.
Side note, they used a black powder to dust for fingerprints and Banks was very interested in what they were doing.
He stepped in a pile of powder and left little black footprints all over the place.
It was adorable to this day.
He is known as Detective Banks.
Binks on the case. Over the next few days, we barely slept.
Honestly, I don't know how you would.
That must be like the most like violating feeling.
Absolutely. Like somebody to unknown men were in your house and have all your information.
Yes. Like I I feel that's awful.
We barely slept, pushed furniture against the door at night and patiently waited for the few and far between updates from police.
My boyfriend coped in his way denial dealing with the logistics of insurance, et cetera.
I coped in my own way, going full detective.
The site of the fear hitting my poor babies as they ran for cover was burned into my mind.
Honestly, that would fuck me up to if someone upset my animals.
I'd be so pissed. You could fight me with these solid fingers.
You can mess with me.
You can steal our shit, but you cannot fuck with my cats.
Exactly. I reviewed the footage over and over looking at every tiny detail.
I noticed that the intruders picked up the note of instructions I'd left with the cat sitter, reading it to each other and laughing, fuck you.
So I was like, why is that funny?
Why? Why would that be funny?
And like, oh, hmm, like what?
Like what a dick. I reported this to the police and they came and collected the paper for evidence.
I also noted that my notice that my boyfriend had been right about the door being unlocked.
I can clearly see the cat sitter leaving on Friday, shutting the door and not locking the deadbolt fired.
She was suspected to be involved at first, but eventually determined to be simply incompetent and cleared by police.
Sometimes that's even worse.
Yeah, that really is innocent, but incompetent.
Oof, oof. I obsessed over and messed with the footage enough to discover that there was in fact audio.
Huzzah! Bitch, you are everything.
You're a detective.
It was a lot of things in you.
Hell yeah. It was staticky and hard to hear.
And I listened over and over again with headphones to try to make out any clues.
Finally, I saw one of the men walk over to the camera and can make out the following.
Hey, Kevin, there's a camera here, idiots.
Not only did they drop names directly in front of the camera, but they also left it there instead of taking it.
It's like, why would you do that?
I mean, I'm glad they did, but like, why would you do that?
Special kind of dumb.
We sure do. The footage was on a micro SD card, so if they'd taken the camera, we would have had nothing to go off of.
They unplugged the camera at that time.
So we're not sure how long they were there or what else they did.
Chilling. Very chilling.
My hope is that they realize they fucked up and noped out of there immediately.
I forwarded the audio to the detective assigned to our case.
And this is what finally allowed them to catch him.
Turns out the cops had been following Kevin for several months, connected to multiple other robberies of homes, schools, businesses, etc.
They knew he was guilty, but until now, they didn't have the hard evidence to convict him.
Hell yeah. A warrant was put out and Kevin was arrested for multiple felony robberies soon after.
They searched his phone and found a conversation between him and some other shady character trying to pawn my diamonds.
Can you imagine? It was never found.
We expect that he ditched it along with the other stolen items once he realized the police were on to him.
Fuck that guy. Fortunately, my boyfriend is a genius and bought insurance for the diamonds.
So we got a replacement for free.
Seriously, we're very right.
Yeah, we were both called to testify in court.
And despite being totally hyped about getting on the stand, they did not question me.
Only my boyfriend's open, total bummer.
He doesn't even like true crime.
There was also no citywide parade or official commendations for me to single handedly solving the case, which I feel I deserved.
You did. I also feel you should.
We have one retroactively.
I think we should. Let's do it.
Anyway, Kevin is in jail now.
And though my sense of security in my home is forever damaged.
We're doing OK. We moved into a new house back back in my Pennsylvania hometown to be closer to my family after my mom passed.
I spent far too much money on a home security system.
Love you. Simply safe, simply safe, but it's worth it for the peace of mind.
We are now married and the cats are currently looking at berbs outside the window and enjoying the cool fall weather.
Whether you read this or not, it was a cathartic to write it all down.
I'm glad. Thank you for giving me and many others a safe space to share our stories.
Molly, Molly, we love you.
You always have a safe space here, my friends.
You're safe forever here, all of you.
I'm so sorry that your sense of like security and safety in your own home was rocked from that, because I understand why it was.
The same thing would have happened to me.
Yeah, that would have freaked me the fuck out.
Damn, Molly. I know you went through it, girl.
But I'm so glad that your man's got insurance on the ring.
Yes, that was smart.
He's a smart guy. Smart guy.
He's a smart guy. Remember that.
We're in the right era.
Oh, I love it. We're staying in the right era.
In the right era. Oh, my nose is a G.
era era. That was funny.
Sorry, my nose got a jam out of really inopportune time.
Ever, ever. There you go.
There you go. All right.
My next one is from Eli, Eli, Eli.
Hello, you wonderful ladies.
My name is Eli. You can use my name.
I've been listening since day one and have introduced all my or excuse me, many family and friends to you.
Lovely. So not all of them.
Not all of them. Not all of them.
All right. Just kidding.
We'll forgive you. It's OK.
I'm so proud of all you two have accomplished in these last years.
Thank you. You guys brought me so many laughs, so many tears and even tears from laughing.
I look forward to hearing new episodes every week.
You are my podcast drug of choice.
Oh, I love you, Eli.
I know we love you.
I am also a Massachusetts gal.
More details. Hell, yeah.
I'm not the greatest at writing, so please bear with me.
You're actually really good at writing and really funny.
I was crying when I read this of laughter with laughter of laughter.
Without any more gushing, here's my tale of the time a demonic man parkoured his way into my apartment.
I'm obsessed with this.
Yeah. Back in my early 20s, I left home because I wanted to change.
I met a guy when I went on a trip to Canada and we hit it off.
I decided not to go back home much to the shock of my family, job and friends.
Fuck, you only live once, right?
Yellow. Here I am in Montreal on my own for the first time ever.
We got a place in a big apartment condo.
You know the type. Multiple floors, multiple apartments on each floor.
Your typical Seinfeld situation where you have to be buzzed into the building and all that jazz.
My apartment was on the first level, but there was an entire garden level below.
Those are air quotes.
I liked that air quotes with the salad finger.
You're welcome. Every apartment on the first level all the way up to the top level, which was, I think eight, had these mini balconies off the living room.
On this day, after staying up way too late playing video games, I decided to call it a night around 1 a .m.
Ah, the before children days.
I head to my bedroom and get ready for bed.
Not more than a few seconds after I lay down, I hear this loud yelling coming from the alleyway between my building and the ones next to mine.
Picture this alleyway like a sideways T shape.
Looking out my window, there were two buildings and an alley between them leading directly to my unit.
The yelling was so disturbing.
It was no spoken language I had ever heard of.
It was seriously demonic.
The voice was deep, raspy, but had this sharp edge to it.
The type that would make you want to cover your ears.
The words made absolutely no sense at all.
Now being the nosy ass bitch I am, I immediately jump out of bed and go peep out the curtains to see what the actual fuck is going on.
Hell, yeah, I would have done the same thing.
Oh, if I hear a commotion out the curtains, I peek.
Oh, yeah, I'm going to go vacuum the grass.
Literally, I got to know what's going on.
I love those videos when people will start doing that, sweep in the grass.
I love it. Why get all your holiday decorations delivered through Instacart?
Because maybe you only bought two wreaths but have 12 windows.
Or maybe your toddler got very eager with the advent calendar.
Or maybe the inflatable snowman didn't make it through the snowstorm.
Or maybe the twinkle lights aren't twinkling.
Whatever the reason, this season Instacart's here for hosts and their whole holiday hall.
Get decorations from the Home Depot, CVS and more through Instacart and enjoy free delivery on your first three orders.
Service fees and terms apply.
Well, there's a man running down the alley toward my building.
Uh oh, he's waving his arms all over, but that is as much as I could make out.
It was extremely dark and there's minimal lighting in that area.
As he's making his way toward the building, a car turns in the alley behind him.
It had sirens so clearly it was the police chasing, said man.
The entire time he's shrieking this ungodly noise heading straight toward what seemed like me.
Oh, mm hmm. Now, at ground level, there's a small retaining wall.
It's literally like three feet tall and he jumps on it and leaps up to grab the bottom of my balcony.
No. Yes. Did you shit your pants Eli?
I would have. Because I would shit my pants.
Eli says, which by the way is a solid 15 to 20 feet up and I don't know if he was truly possessed or not, but I shit you not, he hoisted himself up like he was an Olympic pole jumper without a pole.
What the fuck? He just had like a 20 foot vertical like what's going on?
Some straight parkour American Ninja Warrior shit.
Get that man a contract somewhere.
Like what the hell?
I ran right to my night table where I happened to have stashed an eight inch blade in the drawer.
Oh, casual things. That's Eli right there.
And pull it out. Yeah, just pull it out.
I know I said I would mention this, but I'm from this wonderful little gem of a city called Brockton.
Have you guys ever seen the menu?
Go watch the menu. Go watch the menu.
Now I know you two gorgeous ladies most likely know about this special little shit hole, but the rest of the world probably doesn't feel free to insert whatever.
Oh, that was amazing.
I basically grew up in an area where you sleep with when I open and nicer terms.
It's called the city of champions, but that's far from what it is to any other Brocktonians.
Don't come for me. You know, it's true.
So knife welding me run.
You know, if you know Brockton, you know, if you know, so knife welding me runs into my living room as my balcony screen door opens and the inner door is being rammed on by this demon asshole.
Yes, this fucker is still chanting.
I know you're probably thinking, hide don't run toward danger, but I don't know.
I just had this urge to stand my ground.
I'm not going to get that urge.
You know, yeah, it just happens like I feel like standing my ground today.
Yeah, I just don't get to stand my ground right now.
And Eli says, I'm not going to be caught unprepared.
That's right. The locks give out and the door crashes inward.
No. The demon rushes in.
He stopped to look around and survey the situation.
We lock on, imagine if, imagine if you're just like this, what if you were just like, like, what if he just broke in and you were just like, Hey, do you like rusty spoons?
Honestly, best home security system ever, right, always be salad fingers at every moment.
Cause if somebody breaks in and you just rise out of bed and just say, I like rusty spoons, they're going to get the fuck out of there.
Like they're going to get the fuck, if you sit up and say, it's almost, Oh, guys, they'll be like, bye.
I'm going to the next one.
My salad fingers. Yeah.
They'll leave. Yeah.
That's true. Well, we'll tip from us to you safety tips.
Well, la, la, la, la, la.
I said to him while holding the knife.
Don't fucking try me.
Oh, that's Eli right there.
That's my city of champions.
Eli's the whole city.
Eli knows his screaming had come to a halt and it was so fucking weirdly quiet.
He looked at the front door, looked at me, the front door, me, and finally vaults over my coffee table to the front door.
Fumbles with the lock, gets it open and runs into the building hallway.
Then resume. Fuck that.
He said, fuck that, but then resumes his demonic murder screaming again.
Yeah. He took a little pause.
Yeah. Surveied the situation that was like, I'll continue out here.
They were words, but not.
It's seriously hard to explain, but terrifying.
I wish you had audio.
Why didn't you get audio?
Come on, Eli. Audio didn't happen.
This entire thing was only like six seconds tops, but in the moment it felt like forever.
Now this would be the perfect time for me to shut my door, lock it and crumble into a sob.
But nah, girl. I ran out into the hallway after him.
Like who's paying for my broken door?
Ladies, ladies. I don't know why I felt like Xena warrior princess, some Amazonian bad -ass bitch.
When the reality was a 21 year old Puerto Rican 5 '3", and out of shape.
I'm obsessed with you, Eli.
I love you, Eli. Eli for life.
If you just wait the end of this tale, I was crying.
I was crying at this point, but then I started sobbing at the next part.
The demon runs straight into the officers that yoke him up.
One officer runs to me.
He looked me up and down and at my knife, which I immediately placed on the ground and held my hands up like I was the criminal or something.
He ushers me into my apartment to make sure I'm OK and to get me out of the hallway, as some neighbors had begun opening their doors to see what was happening.
Hey, did I mention?
I was only wearing red panties.
So my fucking coconut fig tip titties were just clapping in the wind.
Can I say that? I just love.
Can I say that? Bitch, you could say that.
You can sing that. You can sing that in a poem.
You can. That's. Eli.
So Eli had their own.
Eli had their own security system in place.
Eli, I'm obsessed with you.
Your yabo saved you.
I'm so we love your yabo.
We love them. We love them.
I mean, listen, it was bedtime.
Oh, my gosh. Did I mention I was only wearing my coconut titties?
My coconut titties were flat.
The fact that this demon motherfucker came walking into like Boston through your house like the Kool -Aid man.
And you're standing there in red underwear holding an eight inch knife.
And you just said, like, don't even fucking try me.
He said, I will not get her a goddamn crown.
You are a warrior. Oh, you are in asterisks.
After covering my goodies with a throw blanket, the officer takes a small statement from me, helps get the door back in place, offers to bring me to a friend's all that stuff.
But I told him I was fine.
I'd be okay. Yeah, we're good.
So he left. I based my living room for a few more minutes trying to get my heart rate to slow the fuck down and finally go into my room and get into bed.
Here's the best part of this entire fucking crazy story.
The best part? No, my man's rolls over and puts his arm around me and says, what language was that?
I am laughing so hard typing this part.
Yes, ladies. This motherfucking country boy that grew up in the middle of nowhere kept his grown ass manself in bed, in bed, while I'm fucking knife wielding samurai and keeping us safe.
My response to him?
No idea, but I think it was satanic.
While he blissfully went back to snoring.
The fact that he just rolled over and was like, what language was that?
What do you think he was saying?
And where were you?
And where were you?
Fucking wall. Like what?
He just broke our front door down.
Damn Eli. I knew from that day on, if we ever had a family and shit went down, I'd have to be the one to protect us.
Yeah, Eli for life.
But that's all for my story of my thick ass naked Hispanic lady face off first parkour demon parkour demonic banshee man.
I didn't die. So that's a bonus.
That's a huge bonus in my eyes.
Thank you so much for reading.
I grew up in the Bridgewater triangle and currently live back here, raising my little family.
I got lots of spooky and scary stories I could share, including my dad almost being murdered in front of me.
The amount of blood will forever be a memory I can't forget.
Oh, Brockton. Or that wasn't me.
That was Eli. Or when my mom's cousin came over and asked what dress she should wear if she died.
When in fact she actually had died the day before and was wearing said dress my mom picked out at the funeral days later.
Or the time my friends and I got attacked in the woods by a group of men and had to ask for help from a nudist colony.
Yeah, I have some tales.
Send us all of them.
One put of a. I'm not kidding you.
Tail one, tail two, tail three, tail four.
You eat them all. Every tail.
It's the holiday season.
Yeah. Give us. So we can take it.
I want a full put of.
I want a whole. I want a bag full like this and those tails and Eli episode and Eli episode.
We'll do a whole episode on Eli.
Yeah, send us all those tales like threaten me with a good time.
Literally. Well, keep it weird.
Ladies, I hope to attend a live show in the future.
Peace out and love always Eli.
Eli Eli for fucking life.
Eli for life. Damn Eli.
That was amazing. So those were our whole invasion.
That's my computer.
That's my whole computer.
What is my computer?
What you know, she doesn't have a burglar alarm.
If you installed one, this wouldn't happen.
What? I'm just a sound like this.
You're ridiculous. Sims one players will know.
You guys only Sims one players in these streets.
I love doing video listener tales so much.
Just the fact that what day is today?
Is it a Wednesday? It's just a Wednesday.
Just a fucking Wednesday.
And I would I sent this to my family group chat and they were like, this is amazing.
Like what? And I was like, yeah, sometimes it's hard to explain what my job is.
Yeah, I love it. I came out of the room for a second and John was like, oh, just just working.
It's going to work.
I love it. I was like what?
And that's because of you guys and we're hella thankful for you.
We love you. We want to smooch your faces.
We do. I want to steal your faces.
We neglect it. Don't steal their face.
That's fucking what I do.
I want to steal your face.
You're like the queen from fucking what's that movie that you won't let your kids watch and they want to watch it?
Oh, return to odds.
Yeah. Queen of the princess.
Mom be. I was so close.
I was more on like a sweet life.
No, I wasn't there either.
I was on a sweet life of Zack and Cody.
Mr. Mosby thought. There you go.
That's where I was.
The princess mom be mom be freaky.
I just think it's weird that you're going to steal her faces.
But we neglected to mention that this is Thanksgiving.
Today. Oh, it is Thanksgiving while you're watching this.
So, you know, we're thankful for you and happy Thanksgiving.
Happy Thanksgiving and turkey and sweet potatoes and whatever else.
I'm so excited for your Thanksgiving.
Alaina is definitely going to have to post some recipes because that bitch.
I will. I'll post recipes and I'm all I have something that I'm going to do.
I just worked please cut that out.
I have some. No, it was such a day to cut it out.
You can leave it in.
I have something. Fuck it.
I'm real. I have something that I'm going to do.
Um, on Thanksgiving and I'll show you.
I like that on Thanksgiving.
I'll show you that a lot.
I'm going to dress like this at Thanksgiving just to be provocative.
Provocative. I like it, right?
Yeah. Provokes emotion.
Yeah. Isn't it? Absolutely.
It's very provocative.
You can't see me. Salad fingers.
Well, we love you and we love doing this.
We hope you keep listening and we hope you.
Keep it weird. But that's a word that you don't have salad for fingers.
I love salad and I love having salad fingers.
Yeah. If you like morbid, you can listen early and ad free right now by joining Wondery plus in the Wondery app or on Apple podcasts.
Prime members can listen ad free on Amazon music.
Before you go, tell us about yourself by filling out a short survey at Wondery .com slash survey.
In a quiet suburb, a community is shattered by the death of a beloved wife and mother, but this tragic loss of life quickly turns into something even darker.
Her husband had tried to hire a hitman on the dark web to kill her and she wasn't the only target because buried in the depths of the internet is the kill list, a cache of chilling documents containing names, photos, addresses, and specific instructions for people's murders.
This podcast is the true story of how I ended up in a race against time to warn those who lives were in danger.
And it turns out convincing a total stranger someone wants them dead is not easy.
Follow a kill list on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts.
You can listen to kill list and more exhibit C true crime shows like morbid early and ad free right now by joining Wondery Plus.
Check out exhibit C in the Wondery app for all your true crime listening.
