Hey weirdos, it's Ash here, ready to share a little secret.
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Thank you. Hey, weirdos. I'm Ash. And I'm Elena.
And who else is with us, baby? And I'm Drew.
My feet. Lucifer is here today.
Hello, weirdos. Thank you for having me.
No problem. Anytime, brother. Literally anytime.
Anytime. I probably shouldn't call you like brother on the podcast.
It's what we call each other on a daily basis.
Literally. Drew gets home and he's like, hey, brother.
I'm like. What's up brother? Romance is not dead everybody.
Well, today we're doing a listener tales episode.
So we figured we would have Drusifer come on the podcast and hang with us for a listener tale.
Yeah, if you want to just react, right? Yeah, cool.
I mean, I was here anyway, so I might as well stay.
Yeah, Drew is helping us build a desk. Well, actually, Alina really built the desk.
You did help a little. You did. Alina's really good at building things.
And so are you. You're good at building things.
You're good at hanging things through. Yep.
And I am good at eating a tuna melt with a Diet Coke and watching it all go down.
And encouragement. Yeah. I'm sure that's surprising to all.
To all. You know what? Together we formulate a pretty good team.
So we got it done. And now we're in our new little space that's like in the same room, but just looks different.
Yeah. I should say. We got an L-shaped desk so we don't have to like be so close to each other.
It's big news. Okay. It's big news, big changes, big things happening.
We're very profesh. Over here now. When you get old, you get so excited about things like L-shaped desks.
Yeah, it's true, right? But we can put our candles on this desk.
It feels very... It feels like a big deal.
I kind of love, too, how there's like an Elena candle and an Ash candle without even intending to do so.
That's very true, actually. We should make our own candles.
Maybe we should. Let's do that. A three wick candle?
Yes. The kind that flickers too, that like that crackly one.
Or we could do like a no wick and do the like cardboard one.
Yes. That's the crackly one. Yeah, that's the crackly one.
Did you say three, Mick? Because Real Housewives.
Real Housewives of Potomac. I love you so much.
Karen Huger. There you go. And you know what?
With that, let's do some listener tales.
The Grand Dame is here. The Grand Dame is here.
All right. Do you want to stay anonymous or not?
I don't know. No, I think they changed names for you.
Oh, hot. All right. It says the subject line is true crime and twat waffles listener tale.
Hot. Hot. Hi, ladies. I have never done anything like this before, so I'm not sure the proper etiquette.
I've attached a double-spaced put-a-fo with my story.
There it is. That's the proper etiquette.
Beyond the proper etiquette. I was going to say, that's just, that's just.
Chef's kiss. Enjoy or don't. Either way, I'm a lifetime fan of you amazing humans.
Happy reading. You're wonderful already.
I love you a lot. It says, hello, you badass babes.
My name is Hannah. Feel free to use the names because I've changed them to protect privacy.
You're a real one. Honestly. A few months ago, I accidentally stumbled upon your podcast and I instantly fell in love.
Oh, the next sentence is the best. I, too, love Gilmore Girls, Schitt's Creek, and just singing randomly throughout my day in an almost unhealthy way to the point where the middle of the...
We're in the middle of a meeting with the CEO for my company.
I just randomly started singing a little bit of Lexus because I'm ADD.
I'm still employed. Thanks for asking. I was going to ask that.
So thank you for letting me know ahead of time.
If they fired you for that, they're a fake fan.
We're very fake. Fake as fuck. I get bored easily, me too.
But when it comes to you ladies, I feel like I have found my spirit animals and have often referred to you as my new BFFs.
No, seriously. I love you. I know. I love you so much.
This is so nice. Drew, you're in this too.
Oh, thank you. It applies to you too. You're a BFF.
No, seriously. I'm a 40 year old married of mom, married of mom.
That's where I'm not. Married mom. I'm a mom of three.
I work full time and I take classes nights and weekends.
What a bad... We're not badasses. You're a badass.
Exactly. This mama needs some brain candy every now and then.
Am I right, mamas? You are correct. There you go.
And you ladies are my brains Reese's peanut butter cups.
Oh, yeah. Hell yeah. That is a compliment of the highest order.
That was the best compliment I've ever received.
I'm of somebody's brains. Reese's peanut butter cup.
Me too. Ooh. Ooh. I'm feeling it. I feel.
I am feeling myself right now. I feel, what's the word when it's like, I feel savory.
Ooh, you are savory. So are Reese's peanut butter cups.
Anyways. Aren't those sweet? Savory is like salty.
Yeah. Have you had the peanut butter in the middle?
Is peanut butter savory? Oh, it would be considered savory, wouldn't it?
Yeah, that is. It's sweet and savory. I'm going to Google it now.
Peanut butter's totally savory. Totally savory.
Totally. Totally, dude. Your honor rocks. butter savory live live googling yeah very important question let's see more of a podcast Peanuts have a sweet taste and peanut butter often has sugar added.
So, nope, this is just a random person. Excuse me.
I feel like this is a very opinion-based question.
Oh, this is a hot, hot button topic everywhere.
No one feels like they have the correct answer. answer to this.
Peanut butter itself is sweet, but it goes great with savory things. uh let's see here's the thing everybody peanut butter is not sweet The peanut butter that is processed at the factories and shit is sweet, but actual peanut butter is not.
Well, it says most peanut butter contains sugar, so it would be considered sweet.
And the ones that are in the, yeah, the ones in Reese's peanut butter cups are definitely sweet.
Yeah, but I feel like... Because it would have sugar in it.
Okay, but I think we could... I see both of your stances here.
Who are you related to? I just would never... qualify a Reese's cup as savory.
I wouldn't either. I would say it's sweet and savory.
When I think of savory, I think of like fries.
Yeah, that's I think of like salt. Yeah.
And like, like spice and herbs and. Like I'm the sweet person in our relationship and Ash is the savory person.
Yeah, that is true. Yeah. But I love a Reese's peanut butter cup for its savory element.
How about that? I can understand where you're coming from.
Yeah. I'm erring on the side of sweet. You always side with Drew, so I'm just going to keep reading this tale from my friend, okay? from my friend from my friend yeah i i respect everybody's opinion but they're savory and sweet So, I've listened to your listener tales so many times, wishing I too could join in on the fun and send in a tale of craziness. sadly i am so stupidly cautious of people in general not stupid that's not stupid at all that i tend to keep my distance which in turn has kept me from being on the next episode of dateline Still wondering how I met my husband online dating, but here we are.
I love it. That's great. Then one day I got smacked in the face with some truth that just blew my candy coma brain.
Oh no. My best friend, Sarah, greatest human I've ever met.
Next to my husbands and kids, of course.
Husband and kids, of course. My various husbands. decided to put herself out there and join the online dating world.
While I always support my friends in all things, I still warned her about the dangers of meeting strangers online. and I made her promise never to go anywhere without sharing her location and keeping in contact with me the entire time.
That's smart. Yeah. If I didn't hear from her, I would drive to her location just to make sure she was okay because true crime.
One night, Sarah let me know that she'd met someone and was going to meet her at a bar for a quick drink.
Okay, please be careful and check in with me so I know that you're alive, I said.
Normally, I ask for first and last name and Google the shit out of whoever it is.
The horror stories I've lived of most people I met online could be an entire episode alone, but I digress.
I was unable to find anything out about this particular date because my friend didn't know her last name and couldn't find her anywhere on social media.
Red flags, anyone? uh-oh red flags yeah sarah told me only the first name of the person that she was meeting and all she said was she's a therapist in the prison system in my mind i'm thinking huh How bad could she be?
She's a therapist helping people in the prison system with their mental health issues and partnering with them to transitioning from prison life to after prison and helping them navigate through their new life and starting over.
That's fucking awesome. How bad could she be?
Well, I was about to find out. Uh-oh. They met up.
They met up. They met up, everyone. They met up. they met up on a tuesday did they meet over no did they meet down no they met up up it was up And hit it off.
Oh, all the directions. Up and off. And then they dated for several months.
Get it. Every now and then, Sarah would talk to me about how things were just off.
She couldn't explain it. She was always having to fly to California for a few hours to go to trial because her ex-husband, a dirty cop as she referred to him, was suing her.
She said he was so abusive to her, but that because he was a cop, it was virtually impossible to get him behind bars because cops protect their own.
And she needed to testify in person to add weight to her claims.
Given all the things in the last few years, she made a lot of sense.
She gave this sob story about how he beat the shit out of her forced her to get an abortion when she got pregnant, and then cheated on her with her best friend.
Oh, my God. This sounds... familiar to something a little bit.
Yeah, a little bit. Okay. As someone that has been a victim of domestic violence, I'm really sorry to hear that.
Aww. I wanted to support her in any way that I could feeling like you aren't alone is vital to the healing process.
We protect each other, lift each other up.
I had that and I wanted to pay it forward.
As an empath, hearing all this, my heart went out to her and I just wanted to help her in any way that I could. emotional support, lunch, and the occasional, let's go get a drink and forget about responsibilities for a little bit.
Wow, I'm so glad that you're my best friend now.
I was going to say, you're like a really good friend.
Yeah, you're great. You offer all the things that we need.
Yeah. things just started to not add up.
One day, she would say that her lawyer needed her in person.
And then the very next week, she would say that she didn't have a lawyer and that she was representing herself.
So she needed to be there in person. It was all confusing.
On another day, she said that the forced abortion caused her to have so many medical issues that she had to go and have surgery.
The same day that she had surgery, she threw herself a not Mother's Day party.
Oh. All I kept thinking was, wow, she's handling this hysterectomy better than anyone I've ever met.
I don't know. I don't know what's going on here.
Yeah. I'm confused. She was drinking and dancing all night long with no signs of having just gone through a major surgery to rip out those inside lady parts.
Yeah, I was going to say that's a major surgery.
It's a huge surgery. I remember having to deal with family members.
Yeah, absolutely. Help them, not deal with them.
Deal with them. I remember I had to deal with that hysterectomy patient.
No, you know what I mean? Speaking from experience, I wasn't able to drink or dance around four hours after my procedure.
But maybe I just can't hang with the cool kids.
Who knows? I don't know. I think you know.
I think you know. Yeah. Anyhoo, things just were not adding up.
She was starting to manipulate Sarah into thinking and doing things that she never would have done on her own. to a point where I felt I needed to, as the best friend forever, step in and stop the mental assault that was happening.
It wasn't pretty. And I'm glad I stepped in when I did.
Otherwise, who knows what would have happened?
Sarah and I both suffer from depression and anxiety and we are each other's person.
I couldn't lose my person. Man, you're a really good friend.
I know. I'm just really glad we're best friends now.
Friends. About a month later, while still in communication with this twat waffle, Sarah had found out that she'd started a relationship with her best friend, Matt.
Okay, cool. Awesome. Happy for you. Also happy that Sarah is able to get back to being her amazing self again. without the underlying manipulations and lies that she was being fed.
While with her new boyfriend, she still kept in contact with Sarah, and we would occasionally hang out over holidays and football season.
But boundaries were set for obvious reasons.
All the while, this nagging feeling in the back of my brain that something is just off with this person.
I don't like to use this word often because I'm a female, but she just seemed crazy.
Not in the, yeah, my ex is crazy kind of way, but in the, If I piss her off, I am pretty sure she's going to slash my tires kind of way.
Yeah, you just, you always know those people that you're like... you know what?
I'm not going to push this. I'm not going to piss you off.
I'm not going to push their buttons. I'm not going to get in their face.
I'm not going to say something. I'm just going to let it go.
Yeah, because like you'll know how it's going to end.
Yeah, because like that person is like, I just can't, I don't know what's going to happen.
Mm-mm. i always made it a point to just smile and be kind because humanity but also self-preservation It don't.
In both ways. It is. I did not want to be on the next episode of Dateline.
I have trust issues, if you couldn't tell.
We all do. Don't worry. Speaking of Dateline, if it isn't obvious by now, I should mention that I'm obsessed with true crime stories, podcasts, TV shows, all of them.
I feel like the more knowledge I have, the better equipped I am to protect myself, my kids, and my family.
Hey, you're not wrong. I agree. That's like constantly on in our house.
Yeah. Yeah. And the Real Housewives, you know, balance.
Same thing. So it's a sunny Tuesday afternoon here in good old Arizona, and I'm working from home.
Thanks, pandemic. And I'm multitasking, watching old Dateline episodes.
The episode that day, season 25, episode 21.
The very first picture that pops up on the screen made me pee my pants a little.
But I have three kids, so it could have just been that sneeze, too.
We'll never know. Sarah's date slash friend's picture flashes across the screen and I am no longer multitasking.
Immediately, I text Sarah and ask her for the last name, kicking myself hard for not asking sooner.
Like seriously, I'm better than this. You're great.
I immediately googled this twat waffle and I lost my shit.
Metaphorically speaking, of course. I'm glad for you.
Everybody shits themselves sometimes. Who the fuck have we been hanging out with?
Who? It was Angela Diaz. Oh, no. Is it Diaz?
I think it's Diaz. Angela Diaz. Or as we know her, Angie Connell. what i remember instantly i remember listening to one of your episodes on this very case 188 to be exact how did I never put this together oh my god so you had already listened to the episode and then you were hanging out with her and didn't realize it whoa that's that's true have you listened to that episode so we'll get it i don't know if she explains it but if not i'll explain it the story is crazy as hell and like who the fuck does any of what she did to another human Literally the worst kind of shit stain of a human.
And I spent part of my 40th birthday with this person.
Oh my goodness. That is bananas. Whoa. So it turns out, as cautious as one can be, you can never be 100% sure about people.
The day I told Sarah about this was the very day that Angela reached out to say that her current boyfriend had suddenly broken up with her for no reason. reason no reason yeah maybe he saw dateline that day too and she needed a place to say i told sarah to block her immediately don't let her come over If she comes near you, call someone authorities, me, your roommate.
I don't care. Just don't get involved. Thankfully, she was able to block her from her life, and Angela seems to have moved on, I'm sure to fuck up somebody else's life.
And while this wasn't really scary or creepy, it sure did scare me a little bit.
That is both scary and creepy. Terrifying.
Knowing who she is. Yeah. One thing is for sure, I don't want to get involved with some crazy twat waffle that could potentially frame me for something I didn't do and end up in jail away from my babies.
No thank you. Thanks for reading. My apologies for the long story.
You ladies are amazing. Keep being the awesome badass bitches that you are.
And as always, keep it weird. Hannah. Damn, Hannah.
Yeah. What a tale. Angela Diaz is one of the craziest people I've ever read about.
It's a horrifying tale. It really is. Yeah. for those of you who have not listened to episode 188 like my actual own fiance um Angela, basically, she was, like, dating this guy.
I think he was, like, a U.S. Marshal in...
They broke up and he started dating somebody else and she was pissed about it.
The girl he was dating ended up, they ended up breaking up, but Angela made her life a living hell.
And she was saying that like Michelle was writing her all these threatening emails and that she would like had showed up and was like beating her up. that she sent somebody to like sexually assault her and then it all turned out not to be true and The thing was, she was saying that Michelle was like posting these things, I think, on Craigslist.
And then it turned out like when they checked the IP addresses or address, I don't know. that she was doing it all herself, basically.
But the woman who she, Michelle, who she said was doing all this stuff to her, spent time in jail.
Oh Jesus. Yeah. It was a very wild tale.
It was nuts. wild that's wild that your friend like or did was in a long relationship yeah like woof that's scary Wow.
I'm glad you guys got out of there. Me too.
I'm kind of pissed that you guys had to spend or you had to spend your 40th birthday with her.
But you know what? I'm glad that we're all best friends now.
So something good came out of this, I suppose.
The hot debate about the Reese's is still there.
It's going to forever remain. So my next tale is called Listener Tale, Saved from the Middle School Dance by a Dead Body.
Oh. Question mark, question mark, question mark, it says.
All righty. This one says, hi, thanks for even opening this.
No problem. Of course. Thanks for sending it.
No problem. I hope you get a kick out of this as much as I do.
Please see Puttafa attached double spaced.
Let me open this right now. Let me open this.
It says, hi, Ash and Elena. My name is Emily.
Yes, that's my real name, but there's a bunch of us, so I don't think it matters.
LOL. I'm a huge fan. Also sorry, but also not sorry to get a little sentimental in my opening, but it's important.
Anyways, I've been listening to you guys for a few years now and never miss an episode.
And I'm originally also from Massachusetts.
Oh, cool. That's amazing. Let's go. Massachusetts gal.
Your podcast brings me so much comfort. That's amazing.
I know a strange sentiment for a true crime podcast.
It's really not. We hear that a lot. Yeah.
People say that we have soothing voices, which is weird.
Cause as soon as I hear my voice, I'm like, Ooh, who scratched a chalkboard?
Yeah, it's just a very nice sentiment. But other than the regular reasons that everyone else has, that you are great storytellers, that you guys are funny, that you are just generally awesome facts.
Oh, my God. Like, ooh, excuse me while my head explodes.
I wasn't, I like looked away for a second.
You thought I said facts? I thought you said facts.
And I was like, wow. No, excuse me. Like they wrote facts.
I mean, self-confidence, baby. But also, facts.
I also have a much deeper comfort in your shows.
That is that you guys remind me so much of me and my sister.
I am very much the Elena, the responsible nerd.
Hopefully that is not offensive. This is also how I categorize myself.
Not offensive at all. I feel good about that.
And my sister is very much the ash. What do you mean by that?
No, I'm kidding. I even have the confusing family tree.
Oh yeah. The biggest difference being that I am the younger of the siblings.
Ash's intonation of voice, sense of humor, and general charm reminds me so much of her.
And for that, I'm really grateful. My sister has some serious mental health problems and often isolates herself from everyone, cutting us off with no way to contact her for sometimes years at a time.
But when she is healthy, she's the most friendly, charming, wonderful person.
When she's in a good place, she has social skills I've always envied.
And people naturally navigate towards her.
Together, we are in one of those periods of not being able to contact her, and it's really difficult.
Oh, I'm sorry. I know. That's hard. That also said currently, not together.
I don't know why I said together. I was confused.
It's okay. I miss her a lot and will obviously always love her no matter what.
And maybe this is not really the most mentally healthy thing for me to do.
But listening to you guys banter and Ash speak. really brings me a lot of comfort of the times when we are good and when we used to be so close.
I don't know how else to explain, but I could listen to you guys talk all day.
I literally want to give you a hug right now and I don't even like hugging.
That was so nice. And I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry that you're going through that.
Oh, anyways, this tale goes back to goes back, back, back to the land of 2007.
And I was in seventh grade. Like mentioned before, being the Elena of the two of us, I was. was bullied.
I remember listening to your very first few episodes about Elena's childhood bullying trauma and relating hard.
I'm sorry that you relate to that. I know most general bullying stuff, nothing particularly creative or outstanding, but like, yeah, it never is.
But like the picking on my appearance, general demeanor, personality, outfits, ostracizing, mocking, stealing and reading my diary in front of the class, you know.
The general psychopathic middle school girl shit.
Yep. Reading your diary in front of the class.
Like where are the fucking adults in these situations?
I know it's wild. Now, because of this, my parents didn't allow me to go to the school dances in the sixth grade.
They were sixth to eighth grade dances. I remember those.
Oh, those were the... Oh, sorry. What? I was going to say they were the best.
But you just, you were like, they were the best for me.
I'm literally like, I remember those. I was going to be like, ew.
Me and Drew were like, ha ha ha ha. I just really liked when they played, to the window, to the wall, you know?
And then we were all in sixth grade and had no idea, but we were like, yeah!
A window, am I right? You know what I mean?
I'm screaming. Oh, that was great. They sucked.
Yeah, they're the worst. Okay, so I thought this was because they wanted to torture me, but it was actually because they didn't want me getting tortured by other kids.
Oh, that hurts my heart. Your parents having to deal with that too is like the saddest.
Which is fair. I had a lot of other shit going on at the time for a sixth grader.
My mom was in the hospital and about midway through seventh grade, my dad was kind of like, do whatever you want.
Live your life. I'm sorry. Everything sucks.
Oh, man, you were going through it. I wish that we lived closer.
I want to give you a hug. And again, I don't even like hugs.
You really don't like hugs. I really don't.
So that's saying a lot, Emily. So off goes depressed, low self-esteem me to the actual worst place I can possibly be put.
A middle school dance. Yeah. At first, it was kind of fun.
I danced with my friends and drank fruit punch, as you do.
But then I went downstairs. I don't know why I was going to say that.
I went downstairs. I have a British old soul.
Maybe it's all the Jack the Ripper research.
It's like this British old soul inside of me.
You're like, blimey. But then I went downstairs to grab some free Cheetos.
Still cannot, will not resist. Why should you?
Never should. And I remember looking. I'm sorry, what?
Oh, no. oh no a bomb was dropped oh no i do remember this because you don't like the texture of puff chips yeah i don't like puff chips it's weird Yeah, it was literally like the only snack my brothers and my cousins would eat.
So I would get like crackers. This is something new I did not know about you.
You don't like the texture of puff chips.
Any type of cheesy chip or puff chip I can't eat.
Yeah, I think I got Fritos recently and I was like, here, do you want some?
And you were like, that's disgusting. Yeah.
There you go. Wow, that's interesting. I love Fritos.
Fritos are it, baby. I don't like artificial cheese.
I'll take cheese anyway. You can give it to me.
You ate cheese growing up. No, I didn't.
My brothers did. I never did. I thought you said you did eat Cheez Whiz.
What an allegation to lodge. I think I said David and Michael. you said like david and michael would um what do you choose i never did i hated it oh yeah All right.
You said that with such confidence. You launched that allegation.
Okay, so here's the thing. things sometimes i swear you like tell me things and then you're like no that's not true because like remember when i thought you loved abba like a ton you thought i was like abba's number one fan i did and i just like the music from mamma mia yeah do we know each other you're like hello i'm ash what's going on I mean, I get it.
It's a lot of things to learn. I mean, how long have we known each other?
10 years. Anyways. There's a lot of things to learn.
I mean, John and I have known each other for more than 15 years at this point, like dated for more than 15 years.
And John dropped a hot secret on yeah he dropped like a yeah it was like a pretty juicy detail it was and we were like what we were like how have you been hanging on to that one we'll tell you offline it was a funny one but like still it was wild i'm actually excited but there's a lot to learn i suppose dances Cheetos.
Here we are. We're eating the Cheetos because still cannot, will not resist unless you are Drucifer.
I remember looking my head over to the corner and there was the girls who were always mean to me, giggling and very obviously looking at me.
Go carry on their asses. I'm going to roundhouse kick them for you.
One of them came up to me and was like, oh my God, Emily, is this your first dance ever?
I immediately knew this was a loaded question.
That's so cute, they giggled, as if having cute of me to think i belong there at a school dance where they were and more specifically where there were boys do you like anyone she said i quickly said no but hope you have fun Good for you.
I was going to say, I love that you're the bigger person.
And scooted away to find my protection and tall Emily.
Yes, I had a best friend with the same name who was a foot taller than me and none of the mean girls messed with because she was captain of like every sports team and was nice enough to adopt me as her small Emily.
That's so cute. It's a small Emily TM. I had a best friend with the same name as me.
And it was like eighth grade, ninth grade.
And her name was Ashley Nicole. I love that.
I never had that. Elena. Never had an Elena that was like me.
I get that. No one ever had my name. No.
My dead name. No. Yeah. I know. I'm trying to.
I definitely never had a friend named Elena.
It's funny, though, the first, this is even weird to say, the first boy I danced with at a middle school dance was named Andrew.
Oh, really? Is that the origin story? Left an impression.
Yeah, that's when I decided that one day my name was going to be Andrew.
Left an impression. love the name Andrew I know sometimes I forget that your like government name now is Andrew because we just call you Drew all the time well I always forget too and then my mom the other day because she has the tattoos of me and my brother's initials and she's like i'm glad this still works and i was like oh yeah why you did that yeah yeah i love that yeah It's a beautiful name.
I've always loved Andrew as a name because I was a big Andrew McMahon fan.
And I was always like, Andrew, every Andrew is hot.
Hell yeah. So there you go. So it says, anyway, I spent the rest of the night on edge, tucked into the shadow of my beautiful, tall Emily TM. wondering what they would possibly going to do to harass me.
About 45 minutes goes by and I'm starting to relax.
Maybe they'll leave me alone. The next sentence.
Maybe I can just... Whoa. I swear to you, I had not read this before on everything I love.
I'm... It says maybe they'll, and I don't even know if I can say this without dying laughing.
Maybe they'll all leave me alone. Maybe I can really, maybe I can really just to the window, to the wall.
Till his sweat drips down my balls in peace.
Everybody fucking loved that song, okay?
Wasn't it like the yin-yang twin? It really was a showstopper.
The way that she wrote it, that was, maybe I can really just to the window, to the wall, till the sweat drips down my balls in peace.
That's the only way you should throw the window to the wall until the sweat drips down your balls.
In peace. I'm going to bump that song on the way home.
I cannot believe that that just happened.
That's wild. We're all meant to be. All of us, guys.
We're all in this together. But then a boy approaches.
Gross. And not just any boy, the eighth grade basketball star, every girl's crush, Tiny Chad Michael Murray, of small town eighth grade boy he very quietly came up to me and asked me if i wanted to slow dance i will punch him in his stupid face if he's gonna hurt you i will and then it went in slow I looked at him confused.
I looked at tall Emily TM confused. She looked at me confused.
I looked at the mean girls who were all looking at me.
I was trying to read the situation so fast.
I thought of how I'd have to tell my dad if I danced with a I triangulated all possible outcomes of saying yes or no.
I quickly decided this is a trap. It's happened before.
The mean girls would set their guy friends up to fake ask you out.
And then when you say yes, they laugh at how you thought he actually liked you and then mock you for having a crush.
That actually happened. I understand that.
Oh, fuck that. Also, can I just side note here?
I'm looking at a picture of you. These girls were mean to you because you're fucking beautiful.
And that's exactly... Jealousy turning saints into... It does.
And that's why they were mean to you, Elena.
You're beautiful, Emily. You are gorgeous.
I want to like your green hair. Oh, I love that.
Thank you for sending these pictures. You guys are adorable.
Is this the boy you slow danced with? I got to shut up so I can find out.
So. I looked right at him like a very mature seventh grader, stuck my tongue out and like a lady.
Blew a giant raspberry right in his face.
I wasn't being tricked this time. At this point, everyone in the entire dance floor is looking at us.
I look at the Mean Girls and realize they are...
And then I look at eighth grade dreamboat and realize he is sad.
I knew it. Oh, I'm excited. He sadly looks down and says, so no?
And I just stood there in shock as he walked away and kept saying, Wait, I'm so sorry, because apparently every Hawkgirl's 8th grade vision board Prince Charming had a big ol' crush on this tiny bag of Froot Loops.
Me. you're not a fruit loops you're great anyways you're a big bag of fruit loops no you're fruity Oh, yeah.
Anyways, the next 10 minutes, chaos ensues.
All the mean girls are just loudly chatting angrily about what would he see in her.
Did you tell him to do that? No, did you?
Oh, they're so dumb. I want to punch them.
That's just... Full-blown evidence right there that they're so fucking jealous.
Yeah, that's fuckery. I was interrogated.
Do you even know him? Me. Yeah, I guess he volunteered to do lights for the musical I was in, so we've talked a bit.
More girls. Did you know about this? No, this has to be a joke.
I asked him on a date last week and he said no.
And what the fuck is this? Probably because you're a bitch.
Because you're a bitch, Becky. Get out of here.
Your hair's not even good. It was too much.
I was starting to break. I was devastated, not only for the general meanness of the girls, but for possibly turning down the only boy who ever genuinely showed interest in me.
My tall Emily TM was grabbing me endless snacks because she is an angel.
She is. I love tall Emily. She's great. Tall Emily TM.
Everyone needs a tall Emily. And she knows how to fix things. but it was getting to be too much.
I was going to start crying. I could feel it.
I started beelining towards the bathroom, trying not to let anyone see when, boom. the metal double doors of our community center burst open and cops.
Just so many cops. Immediately, everyone starts screaming.
Just so many cops. It's in all caps, so I felt like it was the way you said it.
COPS. Just so many COPS. So many. Immediately, everyone starts screaming.
They turn all the lights on blindingly. I'm in so much shock standing right in front of a cop.
Literally eye level with his gun. That's terrifying.
Oh, fuck a whole bunch of that. That my tears suck up right back into my eye sockets.
And as they say on the TikTok, quote... the women was too stunned to speak.
I've never heard that one either. Are we dumb?
We just might be old. They informed us all that the dance was ending early.
Thank God. And that all All our parents had been called to pick us up early.
Chaos, chaos, more chaos. Cars come to pick everyone up.
As we're standing there waiting, people start whispering.
I canceled the dance because there was a body outside.
I immediately was like, that's not real.
If nothing else from this story, you've learned that 11-year-old me took nothing at base value and trusted no one.
You shouldn't. No, you shouldn't. However, reader, it was real.
It was very real. I feel like I'm in Bridgerton.
Bridgerton. Hello, reader. The place is flooded in cops.
And ambulances and the whole area next to us is blocked off as they try to get 200 middle schoolers accounted for home and all without anyone seeing the fucking dead bodies. body.
Sticking with my Tiny Tim general demeanor here, I was the last one left to be picked up.
Tiny Tim, I'm in fucking stitches. I My Tiny Tim demeanor here.
I was the last one left to be picked up.
This was the case a lot for me since my mom got sick.
So I wasn't too concerned about it. I also lived about a 10 minute walk from the community center and figured I could just walk home. weren't having it.
They made me call my dad again, and he was, as he told me originally, driving back. but it was just taking longer than everyone else because he was at the hospital an hour away with my mom and originally wasn't expected to be back until later.
I wasn't mad at him. It tracked. At this point, I was used to walking around everywhere and getting rides from friends, parents, teachers, random people who felt bad for me, lol.
I love that there's just like an LOL at the end of that.
I tried to tell the cops to, oh, cops. to just let me walk home.
It wasn't far. And at this point, I was back on the verge of tears thinking about everything that happened earlier.
Also, can one of them just drive you home?
I know, it's like, hello. This very nice, very young male cop.
Stuck on babysitting duty, who was clearly uncomfortable with an 11-year-old girl on the verge of tears, was very nice and tried to explain that he simply could not let me walk home by myself in pitch black.
Again, small town, no streetlights, in snow, and 10 degree weather.
Oh yeah, I forgot to mention, this is like winter winter.
Oh, and we know in Massachusetts it do be.
Oh yeah, winter. I look at him and I'm like... He looks at me.
There it is. I'm not old. And I'm like, I don't know if I told you, but it's going to be a while.
I sat on the steps of the community center and he plopped right down next to me and said, well, I guess we're going to wait together.
Cute. What a nice man. He asked me about my parents and I explain.
I was sad but was used to explaining it and he was very nice about it.
Then he asked about how my dance was going.
This I was less prepared for. I told him I wasn't great.
Too embarrassed to admit details and started tearing up a little again.
He, in a valiant effort to soothe me and a pretty fair guess, spits out something along the lines of, boys are really dumb at your age, you know?
I mean, it's true. This somehow more embarrassing did not make me feel better.
I actually I start to actually cry a bit.
He clearly panics a little. He tries to comfort me by blubbering around, but clearly 11-year-old girl drama is not his strong suit.
After about five minutes, he kind of just blurts out, you know, we found a dead body over there.
What the fuck? Oh, my God. I stopped crying.
She's like... What? The rumors were true.
Are you serious? He looks confused but relieved I've stopped crying.
Yeah, uh, yeah. Then I immediately jumped to, are you not letting me walk home because there's a murderer on the loose?
I'm like, dude, read the room. She's 11.
Immediately he regrets everything. He's denying the murderer theory.
I start asking questions. so many rapid fire questions.
He starts being like, listen, I'm not really supposed to tell you everything is fine.
Don't worry. But I'm like, no, we are confidants now.
I need the whole story. Luckily, it took my dad even longer to drive home because of the snow and I somehow guilt slash cute tripped this cop.
And it's telling me the entire story. Because a man who sadly was drunk earned drugs.
No, no, basically. Oh, sorry. Basically a man who sadly was drunk or on drugs had passed out in the parking lot next door.
Then it had snowed a lot. lot over the night and the next week.
He basically froze to death under a few feet of snow right outside our community center. and they didn't find him until a few weeks later, the night of our dance, as the snowplow was plowing the area for parents to park to pick up kids. and the snowplow knocked into his body.
Oh my goodness. Obviously, this is all very sad.
I had no idea what to do with this info.
Luckily, I was mature enough to know that it wasn't great to spread this kind of info out like gossip, but I knew.
For weeks at school, everyone was debating the dead body story.
Real? Not real? A lot of people thought maybe it was just some dumb story an eighth grader made up to scare everyone, and there was a different reason the dance ended early.
But I knew. You had a confidant. You did.
And no one was talking about me. No one was talking about Dreamboat or me or how embarrassing the entire thing was.
I was literally saved from my horrible middle school dance by a dead body and an overwhelmed cop.
And no, unfortunately, this is not a Netflix rom-com.
And I was really hoping that this was going to end that way.
And I did not make up with dreamboat eighth grader.
We just kind of ignored each other for forevermore. and I'd awkwardly, apologetically smile at him, and he'd kind of nod and keep going.
I went on living my life, ignored by boys until college.
It's better that way. It is. And honestly, I'm not mad about it.
Because even though I didn't want to hear it from a cop as I was crying on a frozen stoop, boys really are pretty dumb at that age.
And just in general. Nowadays, I have, quote unquote, glowed up a bit, as the kids say, and have a pretty cool life.
I'm a fashion designer in New York City.
The fucking vindication that must run through your veins.
And live with my super duper dreamboat boyfriend of four and a half years in a lovely apartment.
Vindicated. Tall Emily TM and I are still friends.
Of course you are. And even though we don't live close anymore, still stay in contact.
There's a lot of shit in between, but let's call it a W for now.
A big old W. So anyways, guys, I hope you laughed a bit at how ridiculous this entire situation was.
And thanks for reading and keep reading. it weird.
But don't keep it so weird that when you're asked out by someone nice, you blow a raspberry in their face out of self-defense. because you think no one could think you're cute because you probably are cute as fuck and you shouldn't let anyone else make you feel otherwise.
And also don't keep it so weird that you don't plow your parking lots for weeks at a time.
And also, be safe when drinking, doing drugs, and don't be so weird to go out on walks in the snow when you're incapacitated.
Probably don't keep it so weird that you tell random 11-year-olds the classified details of a police case.
But it did make me feel like I had a friend and somehow a lot better.
So maybe do keep it that weird and definitely keep it so weird that you find a tall or mini version of yourself to protect slash care for regardless of who is because you will turn out to be lifetime friends.
I fucking loved that listener. That was great.
That just like cleared my skin. It paid my bills.
Yeah, no debt. Let's go. That was wonderful.
Also, you were fucking adorable even when you were 11.
You didn't have a glow up. You've just always been glowing.
Oh, and there's Tall Emily. Tall Emily! You guys are adorable together.
There's Tall Emily, you and your boy. He is a dreamboat.
Good for you. And you know what? I don't even know what to say.
You're beautiful together. You're beautiful together.
I just love that you said in self-defense.
That was my favorite part of it. You're just beautiful together. i'm obsessed i hope all of those girls see your like pics on the insta pages and say foo i do Like, foo on you, girls.
They just go, ooh, foo. Yeah, like, I fucked up.
Like, foo on you. You know what I mean? Foo on you.
Okay, the next listener tale is going to start another fucking debate.
It's called Listener Tales. How did the Berenstain bear saved my life?
And what the actual fuck did he say in his deposition?
Yeet. Yeet. But have you heard the fucking Mandela effect thing?
I bet you have. I bet you have. Is it the Berenstain Bears?
And then what's the other one? What is it?
Oh, it's the Bernstein bears. Bernstein?
And they claim it's the Bernstein bears, but I'm here to say...
No. No. No, it's not, because I was a big Berenstain Bears fan when I was little.
Yeah, me too. Still read my kids those books.
I was so mad. I don't give a shit what anyone says.
I'm moving this candle so it does not light the computer ablaze.
I would love if it did not do that. Me too.
I moved it, everybody. Don't worry. Fire safety.
Okay, and then really quickly before we read this one, another Mandela effect that me and Elena found out the other day. britney spears and the oops i did it again video she had the fucking headset on i know she did I thought that was just because she wore the headset in her concerts.
You are John. Yeah, because when we said this to John, John was like, well, did she do it at the VMAs or something?
And I was like, possibly. Possibly. But both of us were like, no.
We're like, fuck that. Because they even sold her Barbies with that shit.
But maybe it was from the VMAs. No. No, it was in the video.
I loved Britney Spears when I was little.
I know. That's what I called her. It's true.
Britney, I love you. yeah i love you so so on to this hey ash and elena this is my listener tales how the berenstein bear saved my life and what the actual fuck did he say in his deposition yeet Neat.
I have attached a double-spaced pedifa for your reading ease, and I've also timed it.
It's about a 10-minute read. That's another level of courtesy.
That's queen shit. You're on some motherfucking queen shit.
Damn. I really, really hope you guys read.
We are. And I really, really hope you guys enjoy it, to be determined.
I'm totally kidding. It's the first time I've ever actually written it down and it made me cry as I did.
Love you guys. Oh my goodness. Hi, Ash and Alayna.
You can say my name. It's Bethany. With an I-E, not a Y. But also not with an E-N-N-Y because let's not keep it that weird.
We get it. We get it. So you're not Bethany Frankel?
What over your head? Street names have been changed, so feel free to use them.
Short and sweet, but obviously necessary.
Love you both. You're great, and you are the friends that keep me going throughout my work day.
Aww. ash i think you are my long lost gemini twin june 10th what what because i swear we're ridiculously alike ask my incredibly virgo sister amanda say her name and she'll poop her pants who introduced me to you aren't you a virgo in your chart too huh i have virgo in my chart so that's funny there it is uh i lost my place but also elena thank you for saying room like rum Anytime.
I've been ruthlessly picked on my whole life because I say room.
And hearing you say it fills my weird heart with joy. that i love that so much lastly i will not apologize for the length nor will i offer you to cut or edit this as i as you see fit because i know that your reply will be never I'm done.
Okay, now on to the question that you've been asking yourself since opening this Double Space Puttifa.
How did the Berenstain Bears, I know it's stained.
Oh, there it is. But it wasn't when I was a kid, I swear.
I believe you. It's not stained. I believe you, it was not.
How did the Berenstain Bears save your life, and what the actual fuck did he say in his deposition?
I've been wondering. Well, our story begins on a beautiful Western New York June morning.
It was the first day of summer vacation.
I had finished fifth grade and I was finally a preteen.
I mean, honestly, I was like two days past 11.
So does that even count? Hell yeah, it counts.
I remember on my 11th birthday, I was in the shower dancing and going, I can't fit my age on my hands anymore.
I have an actual memory of doing that. Core memory unlocked.
Yeah. I had a lot of alone times. Anyway, it was... But you couldn't.
You couldn't count your age on your hands anymore.
You were right. I thought at the time that it was exciting.
Little did I know it's a downhill from there.
Oh, yeah. It's a downhill. Because then you're like, wow, I can't.
Can't fit my age on this fucking line anymore.
It's sad. And then you don't even know what age you are at some point.
And then you move into a different bracket of age.
What's my age again? Yeah, I don't know.
Anyway, it was a school tradition to have pizza and ice cream party for the kids that came in on that first day of vacation to help their teachers clean and pack their room. for the summer that's cool that is nice that being said my little brother cory who was nine at the time and i decided one more school day was well worth it because Well, pizza, duh.
Of course. I mean, I would do anything for pizza.
So we got up early and walked to school, per usual, as we were within the walker's distance away.
Same. We cleaned, we ate pizza and ice cream, and I said, sayonara, baby school, middle school, here I come.
You know, the way a preteen brat who didn't remember that one scene from Billy Madison would say, don't you say that?
Don't you ever say that? Stay here. Stay as long as you can.
For the love of God, cherish it. I love that you included a photo.
They included a photo of that scene. This is amazing.
Oh, my God. It's funny because we were just watching Billy.
Billy C. Madison. Billy C. Madison. Billy C. Madison is a great movie.
We were just watching Billy and Madison.
Did I tell you that? No one in my family, when that dog was named Ollie Madison, no one knew who Ollie Madison was.
What? Yeah. Oh, that's sad. Yeah. That's a sad revelation.
Literally me and my gay older brother were the only ones that understood the reference.
That's sad. That's really sad. Everyone's like, oh, that's such a weird name, Dolly Madison.
And I was like, that's an epic name. Like, what are you talking about?
Dolly Madison is like a president's wife.
Isn't she? After quite a large argument, we did Google it and I knew I was right.
Dolly Madison was married to James Madison.
And this could be wrong, but I do feel like I remember that when the original White House burned down, she like went in and like got important, said like the most important shit that she could get.
And that's why like we still have like some cool important shit.
I read about her once. Yeah, I did like history at one point.
I love that for you. Yeah, I'm glad that I remembered that.
Usually I'm the president person. You know everything about presidents.
That's why I was like, who do I trust? I know.
I was like, oh my God. Yeah, because Drew loves president stuff.
But when you said that, I was like... But I do love... girls next door more so there's that yeah so there is that all right well back to this tale anywho perfectly placed Corey and I were on our way home, and it's worth noting that we lived in a quiet suburb where literally nothing happened.
Oh, that's where it all begins. Mm-hmm. See untrained c-
Cartographer. Thank you. I can never say that.
Drawing below. I remember Judge Judy used to have the bailiff hold these and I'd be like, what?
Anyway, the conversation went something like this.
Bethany, I love you. Thank you for these images.
Do you know? I was going to say, remember the phrase everyone would say, like, only Judy can judge me.
I don't remember that. I don't remember either.
You guys never heard? No, and I was a Judge Judith Scheindler stan. i used to come home every single day she was on after ellen and it was great but i could go on for days oh man all right that only judy can judge me I'll tell you that.
I'm shocked you guys have never heard that.
No. Oh man. Bethany, should we go up Elm Street and turn left onto Birch Street, or should we turn left onto Willow Street and go up Maple Street? wants to scream, you idiots, it's a block.
No matter which way you go, you'll make it to the corner of Maple and Birch.
And then face palm. Face palm. Corey, I don't know which way is faster.
Bethany, I'm not sure. You want to find out?
Corey, yeah, but how? Now, Ash and Elena, don't get mad at me.
I was freshly 11 years old, but my reply was one of nightmares.
Let's split. Oh, no. Dun, dun, dun. That's the beginning of every horror movie, Bethany.
I also love that the theme of this is I was 11.
Yeah. Like the theme of this listener. I was 11.
And so, after laying down the ground rules, no running, don't cheat, this will make it a faster walk home next time.
We split up. I was going left down Willow and right up Maple to meet my brother at that Maple Street stop sign. almost as soon as i turned on to maple a car came oh this came behind me and slowed down i turned my head thinking that it had to be somebody i knew from the neighborhood Instead, I was staring at a car, oh my God, that I did not recognize and a gun.
You are a weapon. Oh my god. What the fuck? fuck what when he left i felt utter relief and quickened my pace knowing that cory must have cheated and and would be at the stop sign at any moment.
And ultimately, what other choice did I have?
I still needed to get home and cell phones were only a thing in movies and rich neighborhoods.
Oh, my God. Trying to remain calm. I kept speedwalking.
I know what you're all thinking, but Corey and I had laid ground rules.
No running. Until I heard a car turn... Excuse me.
Until I heard a car and turned to look. Unfortunately, the man was back.
This time... He fully stopped the car next to me and pointed the gun back at my face through the passenger side window.
Stop it. Oh my god, I'm so stressed out.
I froze. Oh my god! i looked at him and then back to my brother and i started shaking all i could think was if i scream he'll shoot me if i run he'll shoot me and worse he might shoot my baby brother if he sees Oh my god. terrified knowing that I was not going to get in that car, but knowing nothing beyond that.
Next thing I know, he lowered the gun and drove away.
What? My adrenaline kicked in and I went into action.
I looked at his license plate and tried my best to remember it along with the car make and model.
You little badass. I don't love it. I would have been like, mom, I'm scared. i would have been like it was a car i think yeah it had four wheels there was a guy inside yeah um while he ran to my brother and grabbed his hand and just shouted run oh my god You poor babies.
I know. He had no clue why I screamed at him to hide behind the trees anytime a car passed.
He kept begging me to tell him what happened and who that was.
We were home within three minutes and I immediately ran to the court.
Oh, the cordless phone base. Oh, that base. station yep and repeatedly press this the page button cory brought me a glass of water which i accidentally dropped on the floor because i was shaking so badly And my sister Amanda came down the stairs with the phone having no idea that anything happened.
Remember the page button? It would make all the phones make noise?
Yep. Yeah. Because you were like, we would always misplace one of the house phones.
I grabbed the phone from her. I ran up to my bedroom and I called who else but my mom.
Hell yeah. I told her what happened, to which she quickly instructed me to lock the doors.
She was calling the police and she would be home as soon as possible.
She must have been. In such a state of panic, I would be like warp speed getting there.
Literally. And then imagine the poor woman having to drive home too.
That's the thing. It was a long day of telling and retelling the story to each police officer.
Corey giving his point of view, walking back to the scene to give exact points of reference, giving them the car make model. and three of the six license plate numbers that I could remember.
All of this ended back at the station where I gave a facial description of the man that was, along with the story, released to the news.
Later that night, this dumbass man child proceeded to go into work and brag about what he had done.
Homie wasn't even smart enough to keep his mouth shut, let alone turn on the TV to see if he was on the news for it. the fuck he went to work and bragged that he pointed a gun at an 11 year old girl like what and tried to kidnap her what is what the fuck what are people ew One of his coworkers who actually lived in my neighborhood promptly called the police and he was arrested at work by midnight that night.
Yes. so where do the damn bears fit into the story honestly i was wondering they wrote that not me by the way i wasn't like being like hey where are the bears in this story where the Fucking bear spinning.
Bring me the Berenstain motherfucking bears.
I mean, that's what I'm saying. Always. For some reason, up to that point, my adult witchy self says that it was spirit guidance.
I believe in it. My favorite damn VHS tape was the Berenstain Bears learned.
Oh, excuse me. My favorite damn VHS tape was the Berenstain Bears learn about strangers.
I think I knew every word to that episode.
Number three, saved my life. But all six are worth reading, so here they are.
Brother and sisters bears for... Brother and sister bears rules for cubs.
One, never talk to a stranger. Never. never take candy or other gifts from a stranger.
Three, never ever go anywhere with a stranger.
Four, don't keep secrets from your parents, especially if somebody asks you to.
That's such an important one. Five, your body is your own personal property and nobody else's business, especially the private part.
So important. Six, use common sense. We can't have rules for everything.
Common sense is what keeps us safe by telling us what to do in situations that are not covered by rules.
Bernstein bears. Still fucking relevant.
Still Bernstein. Fuck yeah. So this leads us, oh fuck, I see this guy's picture and I want to punch him in his dumb face.
I'm going to roundhouse kick him in the jaw.
Ugh. You're going to get a lot of roundhouses in tonight.
Yeah. Yeah. I don't know why, but I'm going to.
It just feels right, so I'm going with it.
Karate. So this leads us to the next question.
After he was arrested, this bozo was deposed, right?
He says he drove off because he thought I was gonna scream and he didn't want to get caught.
What? But the real one-two punch was when he found out that I was 11 years old.
He said... Oh, I thought she was like eight or nine.
If I had known that she was 11. Oh my God.
Oh my God. Oh God. I would have forced her into the car and raped her.
Oh, kill him. Kill him. Bye. Bye. Bye, monster.
Bye. Ew, I don't even want this man's face looking at me right now.
What a disgusting piece of shit. I hope he got the shit kicked out of him in prison.
What a disgusting piece of shit. Oh, why?
And why do you know that he said that? Who told you that?
I'm sorry, what the actual fuck did he just say?
Oh, chop it off. Yes, that is when that should be brought back.
Chop it off. He received the maximum sentence for his crime of attempted kidnapping in the second degree, That's maximum.
And a registration as a sex offender due to his own Ed Kemper chatty-caffy complex.
It was also revealed in trial that he had a previous incidences, incidences, did I say incidences?
Incidences. You got it. of flashing minors.
Cut it off. He's currently out of prison, although it seems to be an in and out of prison type of life for him.
I have a restraining order against him and I am alerted to his whereabouts when he moves.
This is him. He has dead eyes if you ask me.
I don't... Get the fuck away from me. I swear I'm wrapping up.
Don't even worry about it. I just want to do a quick fast forward to where I am now because this isn't his story of failure.
This is my story of success. Fuck yeah.
I love you. I had a tough time in middle school and high school.
I had a lot of fear and I went through a very rebellious period where I was too young to be drinking as much as I was.
Same. But I have proudly been in therapy since I was 16 years old and recommended it to everyone, whether you're in a good place or a bad place.
You say that all the time. I say it all the time.
I've worked so hard to overcome my fears and I am now a proud member of the United States Army.
Hell yeah. And thank you for your service.
I married my sixth grade sweetheart. Love you, Rye.
Love you, Rye. I screamed. And last year we welcomed our first baby boy into the world.
I have chill bumps. I am just screaming.
That little boy. Oh, my God. I'm going to cry right now.
That little boy is my whole life, my night, my day, my mood.
Oh, my God. Fuck you. My moon and my stars.
I would kill anyone who thought to hurt him.
Hell yeah. But the strangest thing is, now as a mom, I realized what my mom went through that day.
Exactly. Exactly what I thought of when she, that's because you're a mom.
Yeah. When she got that call from me 20 years ago, sobbing her, sorry, I'm so stressed out. sobbing telling her what had happened to me at that moment it hit me that she had experienced a huge trauma too so i called her and cried as I held my baby boy and apologized to her for the trauma that she endured as a mother because I can't even begin to think about being in her shoes in that moment.
Oh, what a daughter. And that's on therapy.
Yeah. My wonderful, amazing, beautiful, strong mama just chuckled and said, well, I guess I never realized that it was my trauma too.
That's mom shit. That's mom shit. That's also, I think a lot of times people don't realize when like a traumatic thing happens to someone that you love, that's traumatic for you too.
Yeah. You know? And then we cried together and talked about all of our feelings with regard to the past and my son's future.
And I feel like it brought that last bit of closure to us both. wow this what a beautiful wow i love the end of this so let's end the shitty ass story on a happy ass note keep it weird but not so weird that take it away ash Not so weird that you drive around looking at little children and wanting to point guns at them and saying horrible things later, but do keep it so weird that the Berenstain Bears tell you how to live your life.
That guy is disgusting. I want to... What are those?
The meat cleavers? I want to like pound...
You know what I'm talking about. A meat pounder and a meat cleaver.
At the same damn time. Yeah, a little symphony of them.
Oh, wow. Okay. All right, so the last one that we will do is listener tales, mistaken identity, snipers, or potheads.
Wow, those are two very different things.
They are. One of these things is not like the other.
Hello, weirdos. I'm Emily. We love Emily's here.
We love tall Emily's TM. We love short, small Emily's.
Emily's TM. We love just Emily's TM. Yeah.
Shout outs are welcome and encouraged. First, I want to say how much I absolutely love you guys.
I'm a mom of three. So many moms of three.
Moms of three. We've got a lot of themes here.
We do. And my guilty pleasures include Morbid.
Love that. The Kardashians. Same. No. And Sauvignon Blanc.
Oyster Bay, question mark. You make way.
You make waiting in the school pickup line a lot less boring.
I feel that, especially when I forget to pause it as the teacher escorts my seven-year-old into my minivan and my speakers are blurring with the phrase. sparky big time iconic no shame in my game though you guys truly are the best you are I will jump right into it.
This story dates back to 2002, back when everyone had flip phones and Von Dutch trucker hats.
Have you watched that documentary? Crazy.
I was 14 or 15 at the time. I lived in the town where the DC sniper was.
Well, sniping. It was a scary time. I remember that.
That was one of the scariest times ever.
I don't think I remember that. Yeah, you were probably too... 2002, you were way too young. really scary because no one knew.
There was all these false reports about what he was driving and where he was and like the white van thing became a thing.
So every time you saw a white van, you were like, that's him.
And it was like a long drawn out thing. Em from And That's Why We Drink has a wild story about the DC sniper, like a personal connection. oh really so go listen and that's why we drink to figure out what that is go listen and that's why we drink we love them Several people had already been killed in broad daylight in a very short span of time while pumping gas, mowing their lawns, walking through a grocery store parking lot, etc.
They hadn't been caught yet, and the media told everyone to look out for a white van.
So pretty much as long as your eyes were open, you'd see a white van.
They're everywhere. Not exactly comforting.
That's very true. You saw so many white fans at that time.
So many, I bet. So while everyone is staying inside, locking their doors and hiding behind their cars at gas stations, what is a group of teenagers to do?
Go for a blunt ride, of course. Fuck yeah.
Myself and a few friends twisted up an L and packed into my boyfriend's car for a little late night toke sesh.
We drove around puffing the magic dragon without a care in the world.
We had that teenage invincibility mentality going for us.
Isn't that fun? Suddenly, red and blue lights flash behind us.
Isn't that not fun? It's the police. For the Gen Zers, weed used to be illegal.
I know, crazy. My boyfriend pulls over. We're all panicked, yelling, someone eat the jade!
As if the As if the cops won't notice our bloodshot eyes and hotboxed vehicles.
The cops have backup and surround the car with flashlights and glocks.
I nearly shit my pants. Terrified. I'm thinking this seems intense for a doobie.
What in the actual fuck is going on? Why are there guns pointed at us?
We're not Pablo Escobar for fuck's sake.
Thank you. at the driver's side window, asks us all for IDs.
There's another cop on the passenger side just shining a flashlight around and a couple of others behind the car with guns pointed.
As they're checking our IDs, they ask our friend in the backseat, the only one in the car with a little extra melanin in his skin, to please step out of the vehicle.
Are you kidding me? I know what you're thinking.
Classic police, police profiling. We thought that too.
They seem to study him in a way. searched him, and then let him back into the car.
They give us all our IDs back and send us on our way.
No explanation. I feel like I hear this all the time that like back in the day, police used to like pull people over and be crazy intense about it and just be like, all right, you're free to go.
Yeah, just leave. You're not going to tell me like, wow, what happened?
They never do. That's the thing. They just like are like, well, you're not them.
So you don't need to know anything. Papa has told us crazy fucking stories about that.
It's wild. My mom has told a story about, I think it was either Christmas or New Year's Eve when she was younger.
She picked her friend like was drunk driving and crashed his car and the police just called my mom to pick him up.
Oh my god. There's like this... Yeah, like imagine this.
What? Like... My God. Yikes. Back in the day, it was a wild time.
It was a wild west. A couple days go by and news breaks that the snipers have been caught.
Hurrah! They were found asleep in their car at a rest stop.
What's that? A car? Not a white van? Yes, a 1990 blue Chevy Caprice, to be exact.
The exact same car that my boyfriend drove, down to the color.
Suddenly it all clicked. The cops were checking to see if we were said snipers.
The guns, the backup, the letting us go even though we were as high as Mariah Carey's pitch.
Our profiled friend. It all made sense. I still look back at that night and think, holy fuck.
Thank God they didn't shoot first and ask questions later.
Seriously. And that concludes the story of the time the cops thought we were a bunch of snipers.
Nope, just a bunch of teenage potheads. Keep it weird, but not so weird that you get pulled over high and almost shit your pants because the cops have guns surrounding you and think you're a sniper.
Cheers, Emily. Emily. Guys. Wow, you nailed it.
That was a crop a really good one. That was a crop of just... I feel like we say that every time.
Chef's kiss today. Chef's smooch. Why does nobody say chef's smooch?
Because chef's kiss just sounds so... Chef's smooch.
I love it. I don't. But you know what? You have yours.
I have mine. Okay. I respect it. But we are supposed to love alliteration on this show.
We do. Not always. But one begins with a C and the other one begins with an S. Yeah, but like sounds.
But like sounds. My favorite chef is the Swedish chef.
Mine's the tiny chef. Mine's Bobby Flay.
We all have problems. We all have our demons, okay?
The amount of times I've sent that shit into the red.
So with that, I gotta tell you that we hope you keep listening.
We hope you. Yay! it weird but not so weird that you send it into the red while you're recording and not so weird that you hang out with Angela Diaz not so I mean I think you should keep it so weird that like you have a middle school dance where you blow a raspberry in somebody's face and then a cop tells you that they found a dead body over there and like that's a lot like do you keep it so weird that the berenstein bear save your life and don't keep it so weird that they're the berenstein bears because they're fucking not um and probably i mean keep it so weird that you hotbox your car it's fun don't keep it so weird that balbie flay is your future don't don't do that Bye.
Bye. Thank you. You can listen early and ad-free right now by joining Wondery Plus in the Wondery app or on Apple Podcasts.
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The town of Agde in France is famous for sun, sand, sea and sex.
But lately, life on the coast has taken a strange turn.
The town's mayor, a respected pillar of the community, has been arrested for corruption.
His wife claims he's been bewitched by a beautiful clairvoyant.
Then there's the mysterious phone calls that local people have been getting.
I am the Archangel Michael. The whole town has been thrown into chaos.
As the mayor is unable to carry out his duties I would like to address you all.
Legal proceedings have been initiated. Join me, Anna Richardson, and journalist Leo Schick for The Mystic and the Mayor as we investigate a story of power, corruption, and magic.
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