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I have been listening to the Martha's Vineyard Beach and Book Club, which actually Elena recommended to me.
She did not listen to it, but she said, girl, this title sounds so you.
And let me tell you, it did. I've been listening to it while I walk and I am absolutely loving it.
I love all the different narrators. I love Audible.
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Hey weirdos, I'm Elena. I'm Ash. And this is a little baby mini morbid.
Mini, mini, mini. Mini, mini, mini, mini, mini morbid.
Mini morbid, mini morbid, mini morbid. It's very tiny small.
Very tiny small. Like you. But it's gonna be wonderful.
And terrible. All at the same time. It's going to be terrible because it's Ash-centric.
It is. Ash took over. Yeah, baby. She took this mini over, guys.
Elena was at work and I was like gotta do me some research John see you later and I did it the kitchen table and then john reported to you how much research time i put in and he was like proud of me he was and i was like thanks dad because elena and john are my mom and dad also they're not trying to confuse people more now i am not ash's mother so no definitely not So those live shows, baby, they got rescheduled.
They sure did. Philly baby, we gonna see you.
8-11. 8-11. That's August 11. Just in case you couldn't catch that one.
It's hard for me sometimes out here. So you know what, Liberty Bell?
We're coming for you. At the Punchline Comedy Club.
We're going to do it. It's where the Liberty Bell is.
It is. It's right in the center of the comedy club.
Correct. Let's ring it. uh then on september 16th we're going to washington dc to go see those monuments at the dc improv We get to see monuments.
They keep them all at the DC Improv. I'm so excited, guys.
That translates to September 23rd, Nashville, Tennessee, an early show and a late show at Zany's because we just won't want to leave.
Nashville, we are so excited to see you.
See you. Then on September 24th, Huntsville, Alabama, stand up live.
We're going to be rooting for the War Eagles.
We're going to be be rooting for Roll Tide.
We're going to be rooting for you. Any other ones that we didn't say.
We're rooting for everyone out there. We're just rooting for Alabama when we're in Alabama.
In general. That's just what we're going to do.
Then guess what? It's going to be June and hopefully the world has their shit together by then.
Come on, guys. Let's get it together by June.
It's my fucking birth month. Don't fuck me over.
Hey, did you guys know that that's Ashley's birth month?
Who's Ashley? I don't know her. June 2nd at the Good Nights Comedy Club in Raleigh, North Carolina. super excited to see you karen white the next day the comedy okay the comedy zone in charlotte north carolina charlotte Can't wait to see you, Jean Charlotte.
Jean Charlotte. You know, somebody tweeted on us.
Did they? Yeah, about it. I was like, fuck.
I'm so glad you guys got that. This is why I love you guys.
You guys got us. Where was I? You were at G. Charlotte.
G. Charlotte. June 11th, we're going to be at the Talia Hall place in Chicago. i'm so excited for talia hall i'm so excited for shy town hh homestown let's do it guys So excited that we're going to stay for two days because guess what?
June 12th, we will also be there. We are definitely staying for two days, but we will not be staying in H.H.
Holmes' murder hotel. we should it's not around or i would i thought so uh july 8th the comedy works south in greenwood village colorado colorado I fucking love Colorado so much.
I can't wait to show you Colorado. I'm very excited about your altitude and about your whole... the altitude fucks you over in a big way I'm probably gonna barf on stage oh just kidding that sounds fun July 11th, the Wilbur Theatre, where I was born.
I wasn't even born there. I wasn't even born in Boston.
But it's in Boston. Guys, we're so excited about the Wilba.
And remember... Sorry, I just went way into Boston mode.
So, remember. We got the one comic. The only stylings.
Emily motherfucking Walsh is going to be opening up and you want to see this because once again I'm going to tell you We've been like best friends since eighth grade.
So if that's that's not reason to come see what she has to say.
I don't know what is. And guess what? Emily Walsh did.
Emily Walsh? She has a podcast. She sure does.
So you know what? If you are thinking about coming to the Wilba, but you're like, I don't know.
I'm not really sure. Let's just give you a little taste of Emily Walsh.
It's called Alone at Lunch. It's funny as shit.
And it's with her and her comic friend Carly Montag. and they interview other comics and it is hilarious and i want you to go listen to it because it's phenomenal It's your palate cleanser, motherfuckers.
There you go. That's your palate cleanser.
Love it. So if you need a little breaky breaky, go listen to Alone at Lunch.
They're on all the things on. wherever we are there.
And it's going to give you a little look into what you can see at the Wilba.
I also really like the art that they used for their cover because Emily's friend...
Carly. Carly. Looks like Vicky on the cover from Fairly Oddparents.
I was thinking it's in the vein of Fairly Oddparents.
I love that. but yeah go listen to it because she's hilarious and it'll give you a little vibe into what she is and it'll make you want to see her live and come see us but before you do that Listen to this episode.
You definitely should listen to this episode.
What are we going to be talking about asks me who did this.
We're going to be talking about. or ash ash is going to be talking about and i'm going to be going what what to the crazy ass case of jamie closs The Jamie Closs Kidnapping of Minnie Morbid.
This one's a doozy. Truly intense. A true doozy, if you will.
Okay. So on October 15th, 2018 is when Jamie was actually abducted from her home by 21-year-old Jake Patterson.
He actually saw her and picked her out a little while before he went on October 15th to kidnap her.
He was driving to work. He was working as a temp at a cheese factory or like a cheese place.
Haven't we all? didn't look too heavily into the cheese that it made me want cheese but He was on his way to his job as a temp.
He saw her getting on the bus, saw her come from her home, and he was like, that's the girl.
That to me is the scariest part of it. We haven't even gotten into the nitty gritty here.
And that to me is the scariest part of this case.
It's absolutely terrifying. It's reason number 4,022.
I don't want my kids to take the bus because anybody can see their route.
Mm hmm. It's reason number four hundred and twenty thousand million hundred to never leave your house and just stay quarantined for the rest of your life.
Like we're all safe here. Finally. And you know what?
Change up your fucking routine. Yeah, that's like the number one thing because we all do it.
We all do the same. We're all creatures of habit.
It's much easier to stick to a routine, but you got to change it up, man, because these fucking predators look for that shit.
That's why I live out like that. four different places but it's like but this poor kid didn't have the chance i mean she's a kid every morning and it's like what the exactly So, what's his name?
Jake had been thinking, I keep wanting to call him James for some reason, but his name is Jake.
Because that's an author. Oh, okay. James Patterson.
Thank you. Yeah. So Jake had been thinking about abducting a girl for a while.
Oh, you know, just casually. I've been thinking of abducting a girl for a while.
It's so terrifying. Later on, he said if it wasn't Jamie, it would probably be somebody else.
Ew. Yeah. So that's gross. Hate him. I hate him so much.
Just a little background into him. There's really not much out there about him.
I know because this is a fairly recent case yeah it was 2018 um but just a little bit about him his senior quote was quote i'm finally done with school Period?
Period. Okay. Like that's the most anti-glimactic.
That reminds me. In the office when Dwight Schrute does a birthday party, like throws a birthday party for I think like Mindy Kaling's character. yeah name kelly kelly and he just puts on the sign a banner on the wall that says it is your birthday period Like, it's just like... Like, I'm finally done with school.
I'm done with school. So sociopath. Yeah, no shit.
Willing to bet. All right. After high school, he went into the Marine Corps.
But he actually only lasted there for about five weeks.
Oh, not too long. No. Marine Corps later said, quote, the character of his service was incongruent with the Marine Corps expectations and standards. that's never good no never good this is like a little bit haunting to me his grandpa said That he had internal health issues and that's why he couldn't make it in the Marine Corps.
Internal health issues? Inside of his brain.
Okay. Yeah. All right. I mean, we know he had some issues because of what he did.
And, um... After he came home from the Marine Corps, all the people that he was friends with beforehand, because this is a really small town...
He lived in Gordon, Wisconsin, and Jamie was from Barrow, Wisconsin.
So they're 70 miles apart, but both of them are like really small towns. oh okay so after high school he became like super reclusive and even like his best friends just like tried to reach out to him and he was just not having it yeah so just hermiting himself that's that's it it's definitely interesting and then just a weird little side note he actually briefly worked at jenny o turkey store which is where Jamie's parents had worked for years.
Oh, I think I remember reading something about that.
But they had never crossed paths. oh that's so weird it is weird that that happened but he picked jamie at complete random like it had nothing to do with because he didn't really know her parents he saw her get on the bus and was like that's that's it that's to me the scariest motive i saw her and i said that's her and so like i said he said Um, if it wasn't Jamie, it probably would have been someone else.
So he actually went to that house, the house where Jamie lived in Barrow, Wisconsin, on two separate occasions before the night that she was abducted.
The third time is absolutely terrifying.
Oh yeah. He was fucking prepared to do anything he had to do to kidnap that girl.
Which is so bizarre to me because you have, he didn't know her like at all.
Like why are you so dead set on kidnapping a 13 year old girl that you don't know?
And he had no idea. This is how nuts this dude is.
He walked into that house having no idea what was in there.
No idea who was in there, what kind of people were in there, what they had in there.
I mean... Anybody who willingly will break into a home with no prior knowledge of what's inside of it.
You don't want that person in your house.
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So in preparation for this, he shaved his head and his beard off so as not to leave any evidence.
Oh, too much CSI. He cut the trunk cord like so that his trunk couldn't be, you know how there's like a safety feature now where if you are in a trunk, you can pull the cord.
And he cut that. He cut that. Holy shit.
He switched the plates on his car. He stole plates from another car and switched them onto his.
He disconnected the dome light in his car.
Oh, my God. So he, like, wouldn't be seen.
He... I believe he borrowed one of his dad's guns, which was a very popular gun.
I don't have it written down which one, but it's a popular gun that everybody has around there so he was like the casings won't be able to be matched with like this one specific gun so this is crazy premeditated He bought the bullets for the gun and wiped them off before loading them into the gun so that there was no fingerprints.
He wiped the gun for prints just in case.
Yeah. And he bought a ski mask at Walmart.
So that's only the scariest thing you can wear to home invade and abduct someone.
A hundred percent. Yeah. So a little after midnight on October 15th.
Everybody is sleeping at Jamie's house because she's 13 and her parents are sleeping because it's after midnight.
You know, everybody's sleeping. Molly the dog.
Which, Molly the dog, like, shut up. I can't.
I know. Molly the dog. Sweet. She starts freaking the fuck out.
And Jake is banging on the door. Jamie's dad thought.
Can you imagine it's fucking midnight? Someone's banging on your door. um somebody in a fucking ski mask and a black jacket wearing like scary boots like no fucking holding a gun the boots man that would get me the most i'd be like look at those boots those boots for me we can't let him in he has crazy boots shut up just the whole outfit as a whole is scary So Jamie's dad thought that Jake was actually like a police officer or something.
And he was like, show me your badge. Because he's like, why the fuck are you trying to get in my house?
Yeah. And Jake's yelling at him to get down on the ground.
Like, you better get down, blah, blah, blah.
Obviously, Jamie's dad is like, what is going on?
And he has a flashlight and he's looking through the window.
Jake shoots Jamie's dad and he dies immediately.
My God. that is just the scariest thing ever so he shot him through the window and then he's trying to open the door to actually get into the house and he can't get it open So he shoots the fucking doorknob off.
Jesus Christ. He was like guns blazing into this house.
He wanted into that house to get That little girl.
So at this point, Jamie's dad, James, is laying dead on the floor.
And that's awful. Jake is there's so many J names.
I'm sorry if it takes me a second. Jamie James.
I know that's hard. So Jake steps over James's dead body and to get to wherever Jamie is.
Holy shit. So where Jamie is, during all this commotion, her mom Denise and her are like freaking the fuck out.
And they barricaded themselves in the bathroom.
Oh, I remember reading about this and it broke my heart.
Denise, her mom. was holding Jamie in what Jake calls is a bear hug.
Oh, my God. I have to say, they were so fucking smart to do this.
They pulled... first of all hid in the bathtub they pulled a drawer out and locked the door and put a drawer like in front of so if he tried to open it would hit the drawer exactly So he was trying to open that door for like a while and then he finally he couldn't get the handle to budge and maybe he just didn't want to like shoot it again because he was afraid he was going to run out of ammo yeah i don't really understand how this next part happened but He starts slamming his fucking body against the door to break the door down, which imagine like sitting there in that bathtub. with no other way out and this guy's just you don't know what the fuck is going on i just think of and the first thing i think of is her mom Just like you have no way that you can protect your child.
Exactly. You're just bear hugging her trying to... do anything and that's the only thing you can do they knew that her dad was dead like obviously when that happened so you're sitting there and your husband just died and now your husband and your dad just died and then you're like How am I going to get out of this alive?
And you're just hugging each other in a bathtub trying to stay away from him.
Exactly. So his body weight, he breaks the door and he splits it into two pieces and jumps through the fucking door like a psycho.
And I hope Jake is in big trouble wherever he is for reals.
Jamie and Denise are hiding in the bathtub.
And so when he gets in there, he orders Denise to duct tape Jamie's mouth shut.
So she's obviously her own child, her own child.
She's having trouble doing it because she's probably like shaking.
Or just like freaking out. So he puts the gun down on like the sink or whatever and he duct tapes Jamie's mouth shut.
He binds her legs and her arms or her hands and he lifts her out of the tub.
And trigger warning, this is really fucking horrible.
He looks away and shoots Denise in the head. oh and like i don't know why it makes me so mad that he looked away it's like if you're gonna fucking do it you better look the person in the eye if you're gonna do it you little coward Oh, that makes me so in this poor child.
Oh, my God. And then you're like, where am I headed?
This poor child. I can't even imagine. I can't either. even she is like the sweetest looking little girl like she just looks like an average little girl that was like living her life fucking business doing her fucking thing like just going to school so sad this is such an upsetting case It really is very upsetting.
Yeah. He drags Jamie across the yard. So you're like, oh, my God.
Like, what? He tosses her in the trunk where we know that she can't get out.
Oh, my God. Which you've been taught your whole life.
Pull that, look for that handle. Like, all the dare programs and everything to, like... pull that handle or to like or hit the um the tail light out and wave your hand but if her hands are bound she can't she's into so he really thought of everything Oh, he was meticulous, which is so scary.
So while this is really awful to you while driving away, jake has to pull over for the police who are responding to the 911 call because it At one point, they're not sure who because nobody was able to talk on the 911 call, but either Jamie or Denise called 911 from the bathroom.
Oh, my God. So they're responding to the 911 call, like, and they have no idea what they're going to be walking into.
Little do they know they just drove by. Holy shit.
And the murderer and the girl. Yeah. So... And Jamie could probably hear the sirens go right by her.
And she said that she could. Ugh. And she then she was like, I heard the sirens for like a little bit, like a second almost.
And then it was like they were gone. Right.
So the police obviously discovered James and Denise's bodies, but not Jamie.
So they put an Amber Alert out. But she's already at Patterson Retreat.
This motherfucker, Jake Patterson, it's like his dad's cabin that he lived in.
I'm... I think he lived, he did live there on his own.
Sorry, stumble, stumble, stumble. But his dad owned the cabin.
And on the top it said Patterson Retreat.
That's real gross. Like that's terrifying.
That's real fucking gross. That's some Buffalo Bill style like fucked up in this.
Oh, if you look at pictures of this fucking retreat, it is shag nasty.
It ain't no retreat. It is not a retreat.
No. It has... unfinished ceilings hate that so the ceilings literally you know like that paper um stuff that like before you put up your ceiling yes that's on the ceiling there's just like disarray everywhere it's just like insulation up there No, it's, yeah, it probably is insulation.
I don't know anything about houses. I didn't see the picture.
There's just like scattered shit everywhere.
Boxes, like laundry bins, nastiness. Get it together.
It's fucking gross. Go look at the pictures.
And then there's just like a little like sitting area with like a TV and then his room where he had a twin size bed.
And that's where Jamie ends up spending a very long time.
Oh, this blows my brain apart. Oh, God. It scares the shit out of me.
So, one week after Jamie's disappearance, the sheriff of Barron County asked...
2000 volunteers to help search for evidence or anything around the area that they could find.
And obviously they come up with nothing because... Yeah, because he thought of everything.
There's nothing to come up with. I remember this too.
I remember when this happened. When we all thought... What a big deal it was.
And everyone was like, oh, she... Actually, to be honest, people were like, I have no idea what happened.
Nobody knew what happened. It was awful.
Yeah. So the police say that they've identified two cars on surveillance, and at the time they thought it was either...
So, one of them was a red or orange 2008 to 2014 Dodge Challenger.
And they said the second car was either a black 2006 to 2010 Ford Edge or or an Acura MDX.
And they couldn't get any plate identification, like it didn't show up in the surveillance.
So they do this thing at the high school where Jamie would have gone because she was in middle school at this point, but going into high school and they call it a gathering of hope. and all her friends and like all the people in the community are there like just like a little vigil kind of thing exactly a vigil it's so sad so meanwhile Back at fucking Patterson Retreat, which is two hours away, by the way.
She was in that trunk for two hours. Because Gordon is about 70 miles away from where Jamie lived.
Oh my God. Yeah. I can't even sit comfortably in a car for two hours.
Imagine laying in a fucking trunk. Not having any...
This poor little girl probably thought he was taking her to the woods to kill her.
And you're just like grieving immensely because you just watched both your parents be murdered.
I can't even imagine the pain she must have felt out of this world.
Horrific. So when she first arrived, she was forced to change.
Jake had her change into his sister's pajamas.
Gross. I don't really know why his sister's pajamas were at his house, but they were. um and then it's fucked up man yeah it's that's just i feel like that's just so creepy yeah everything about it like everything you're saying i'm just like yep Yeah, it's gross.
I bet Jake did that. Then he went to the basement to burn her clothes and he burned the duct tape that was wrapped around her.
All evidence is gone. This dude watched way too much Forensics Files.
Oh, he knew exactly what he was doing. He also liked to read mysteries.
Oh, weird. And his favorite game was Risk. oh so that says something i mean there you go and you know what he was surprised by he was surprised that he didn't have any blood splatter on his clothes Oh, wow.
I'm like, probably because you were like so far away and you turned your head like an asshole because you couldn't even look at the people you were murdering in their own home trying to protect their child.
Yep. So, Jamie spent altogether... 88 days in captivity.
That is insane to me. And most of the time she was under that twin bed. oh he would barricade her in with because so the bed was pushed in like up against a wall in a corner so there was only like one exit basically And he would barricade her in with like laundry bins or like boxes.
And then on top of the bed, he would place... barbells and like weights and stuff so that he would hear if she was going to escape.
Holy shit. And for a lot a lot of that time, she would go like hours and hours like up to 12 hours without having anywhere to go to the bathroom and just laying under a fucking twin bed with nowhere to move And there was two and a half feet.
It was two and a half feet off the ground.
Like that. So all I could think of when I think of this is.
I can't even hide under a bed for anyone because my kids have this thing that they do now that they have like big kid beds, which they have like the twin beds. which is the exact same size and they'll when john is like you know letting out the bath water after their bath they want to hide and scare him when he comes back in the room which you've seen and so when i'm in the room when this happens they'll be like mama you have to hide with us and they do not take no for an answer when they want to hide And so I have to slide under the bed most of the time because they want me to slide under there.
I have a panic attack every time and it is no joke.
15 seconds of being under that bed and i'm like get me out of here i'm freaking out i'm claustrophobic and it just feels like the whole thing is just caving in on you and you feel like you're not gonna be able to get back out that's I freak out and then to not only be if you had told me to lie under there for 12 hours Not go to the bathroom.
With nothing around me. No food, no water.
There's no way I could even consider that and I would just, no way.
But then if you're telling me I have to be under that bed for any amount of time and barricaded in there, holy shit.
The thought of it makes me physically sick. it's still so unclear as to why he did this because so far like I couldn't read anything of like, something other than kidnapping her, which is, like, fucking horrible.
He just left her there. Like, he didn't really, like... do anything like i was like what's the point of this i want i mean we We may not know exactly what was done to her.
I'm sure she didn't just get like, you know, left around.
No, definitely not. But I'm just like, what the... Especially because of her age and stuff, they'll leave that kind of stuff out a lot of times.
Oh, okay, that does make sense. It was really hard to find, like, anything.
There might be some more stuff that we just won't hear for a long time, which... I'd rather not.
But, yeah, I hope not, but... um he at one point which i just think when i like this is like torturous he let her write an aunt a letter to her aunt saying like she was safe and like she was okay And he was he was gonna mail it.
But then he like never did. That's because he's a fucking crazy person.
Exactly. And this is going to. As soon as I was writing this, I was like, oh, Belaina's going to lose her shit.
Oh, shit. When he had people over, he would always have music playing.
Woo! So that Jamie couldn't hear what was going on outside of that bedroom.
And he would be or they couldn't hear her in the bedroom.
That's so fucked up. And I read something that was like he would put her under that bed and like barricade her in there.
Oh, yeah. And sometimes be in the room. and just have the music up and people like hanging out and she'd just be under that bed oh my god that's so scary And his dad, his dad had no fucking idea, obviously.
Nobody had any idea. Yeah. his dad would come over every Saturday at the same exact time.
Which is just like, can you imagine knowing now what that poor dad knows?
Holy shit. It's like, Knowing what was under his fucking crazy creature of a son's bed.
Well, and that's... And it shows, too, that something terrible must have been... being done to her by him.
Yeah. For her to listen to him and stay under that bed.
Because he must have... I mean, that's total manipulation and like mind control shit and like intimidation shit.
But like he must have done something wrong. terrible to get her to get her to comply that much and that's what really haunts me is like What did he do to you?
I don't. That's why I'm kind of glad that it's not out there.
He did once hit her really hard, she said on the back with, quote, the handle of an item used to clean blinds.
So what I picture is that really long stick with that fluffy yellow end.
And she said he hit her really hard on the back with it.
And he was like, much worse will happen to you if you ever do what you did again.
And when she said this, she was like, I can't remember what I did.
She's like, I probably just existed. But, you know.
He told her she would get it so much worse if she ever crossed him in any way.
Jesus. So on the morning of January 10th, Jake told Jamie that he was going to be leaving for a few hours, which you're a fucking dumb idiot.
Why would you say that? Yeah. I mean, I'm so fucking happy he did.
He really is such a fucking idiot, though.
You're kidding. Yeah. Okay, cool. Cool, Jake.
Cool, cool, cool. So she was like, fuck this.
Like, I'm not going to stay under this bed for the rest of my life.
It's been 88 fucking days of this. The little bad bitch.
Love her. she pushed the bins and the weights out of her way she threw on his sneakers and she started down the road she fucking fuck yeah out of there So, a woman named Jean Nutter was walking her dog when she saw Jamie and I just feel like her parents must have been watching over her.
Like somebody was with her that day because, um, this was not a time where gene was normally up at her cabin i think it was like a second home of hers like she wasn't there was no reason why she was yeah it just happened to be a weird fluky happenstance exactly And Jamie walked over to her and she said, I'm lost.
I don't know where I am. I need help. I'm Jamie.
And Jean said when she looked at her, she was like, I fucking knew that she was.
Because her picture had been everywhere.
I remember that. I would know that girl if I saw her.
Exactly. And ugh. According to fucking Jake Shitballs McGee, he said that whenever the news coverage would come on and, like, they were watching TV together. he was like i let her watch tv like okay cool oh so nice of you so nice yeah you're gonna hate him at the end of this more than you already do that guy um he was like whenever news coverage would come on i would change it but i looked at the news coverage on my phone oh you're so nice and you would tell her i just couldn't watch that oh like so nice of you you're such a gentleman he definitely made her watch that news coverage for him to have to be like To twist that story.
Yeah, for him to be like, oh, I didn't. I did not make her watch that.
No, you didn't. did you just shot her parents in front of her and then kidnapped her and kept her for 88 days under her bed but that's cool yeah you didn't make her watch the news i hate him so much So, like I said, Jeannie noticed who she was right away and she like scooped her up and ran to the nearest house.
Can you imagine that? No. Oh. So, Kristen Kazinskas, I think that's how you say it, calls 911 because she was the nearest house.
That's where they ended up. And... she calls 9-1-1 as her husband stood by the door with a gun because because who knows everybody was like get a weapon like we don't know what this guy is capable of you saw what he was capable of when he took her so it's like fuck meanwhile jake gets back home notices can you imagine how pissed he was oh my god he must have been enraged and i'm so fucking happy seriously he notices that jamie's gone and he goes out driving around looking for her So imagine if he had got home like... Or like if he had been... He could have been pulling up the street like one minute before she was taken into that house.
Like I'm so... happy that the timing just worked out so 4 43 p.m the officers arrive and they take jamie into like save her that just like gives me great relief just that thought of that moment oh my god but then so like in the beginning of the story like they drive right by him They're driving away and they spot a red car and they're like, it's registered to him because he had finally put his plates back on his car. so it's registered to jake patterson he's driving by and jamie was like i don't know if that's him because like she just couldn't tell so they confirm it is Officers pull the car over and Jake Patterson puts his hands up and goes, I did it.
Yeah, no shit, asshole. Like, cool, cool, we know that, you dingus.
So cool. I love that he's like, oh, I surrender now.
And it's like, fuck you, you were backed into a corner.
Exactly. So... He gets arrested, obviously, but now it's like, why did he do this?
He says, quote, The reason I did do it is complicated.
No one will believe or can imagine how sorry I am for hurting Jamie this much.
Can't express it. He didn't even write, I can't express it.
He wrote, can't express it. can't yeah you're not even gonna try and i always love when they're like no one can imagine how sorry i am and i'm like you're fucking right no one can imagine how sorry you are Because I'm never in my life going to do something that I have to be that sorry about.
You fucking slime bucket. You know, the one thing that my mom said to me that I will always remember.
If you were sorry, you wouldn't have done it.
Exactly. And it's so true. If you were that sorry, wouldn't have done it.
You wouldn't have done it. Exactly. Um, so he wrote a letter actually to, I don't know, I think it's Lou Raguse, but I really just want to say Lou Ragoo. from care 11 which is like a news thing and he said things like Because Lou wrote him a letter asking all these questions and then finally Jake wrote back answering.
He was like, I'll answer some of your questions.
Okay, you little twit. Cool that you get to play that game.
Ugh. He said he didn't want Jamie and her family to have to go through a trial, so he gave police as much info so Jamie wouldn't have to hurt by having to give them more info. she needed literally take off your fucking knight in shining armor outfit here yeah because you're a fucking diamond And also, if you watched all those hours of CSI and all those crime shows, you would know that no matter what, they're going to ask her to recount everything.
Of course they are. two sides to every story.
They're not just going to be like, okay, Jamie, don't worry.
Hers is the correct one. They probably don't even want to fucking hear what you have to say.
Um, he said that his long-term plan was, quote, stupid looking back, but he won't say what it was.
Oh, I fucking... hate this turd. And you look at his face and you're just like, I hate you.
I hate you. I want to punch his glasses straight into his eyeballs me to just watch them just like leak out of the hole I want to give him the most this is just this shows who we are I want to give him a fucking atomic wedgie I want to hang him from a ceiling fan by his undies and just turn it on.
And he can't fall down. It's just... wedgie in all over the place wedgie wedgie wedgie bitch um um We get really, really worked up about these things.
Somebody did yell at us once and said that we're too violent about these people.
Which I thought was funny. Yeah. But, like... That's a weird defense to come to.
Never gonna stop. Never gonna stop. Never gonna stop.
So, um... He said, quote, I didn't want to do this.
Yeah, you did. That's why you did it. it you fucker no you you wanted very badly to do this you very much prepared made a lot of plans to do this and he said um the reason i did this is complicated And no one will get it.
No, it's not. It's very simple. You're so deep and misunderstood.
It is very simple. You are a motherfucking puddle.
You are not a deep ass lake. No. It is just that you are a fucking reptilian piece of garbage.
Just fucking fossilized bird shit. On the side of a garbage can.
And you smell. So... And then this pissed me off the most.
On the back of that letter, in motherfucking bubble letters.
I already want to punch him in the fucking throat.
Bubble letters. He wrote, I'm sorry Jamie for everything.
So that all is in bubble letters and then next to that really small he wrote I know it doesn't mean much.
Of course it doesn't fucking mean anything to me, you shit stain.
What the fuck would that mean to me? I hope somebody just roundhouse kicks him in the fucking Adam's apple.
He actually recently got into a fight with, um... a prisoner.
Did he get the shit kicked out of him? I didn't even look into it because I didn't want to know if he'd if he beat the crap out of the other guy because I just wanted to let it settle that he got. beat the shit in my mind he's getting the shit kicked out of him air single day yeah and i hope that his roommate makes him sleep under his bed Yeah, because they don't take kindly to kidnappers and do bad things to kids.
So good luck, Jake. So all in all, he was found guilty of two counts of intentional homicide and one count of kidnapping.
So he got life in prison. Good. Now, I want to end on Jamie's words because fuck anybody else's.
Jamie's attorney, Chris... graham strep i probably said that wrong sue me uh read her statement in court Quote, he stole my parents from me.
He stole almost everything I loved from me.
For 88 days, he tried to steal me and he didn't care who he hurt or who he killed to do that.
He should stay locked up forever. He can't take my freedom.
He thought he could own me, but he was wrong.
I was smarter. I watched his routine and I took back my freedom.
I will always have my freedom and he will not.
Jamie, drop the motherfucking mic, Jamie.
Sweetums. Fuck, that was... that was just say it say it chef's kiss chef's kiss chef's kiss and she was 13 when she like like she ended up with like one of her aunts right Yeah, she ended up with one of her aunts.
She's, like, thriving, she said. She said that she's thriving, and she said that her aunt decorated, like, bought her a brand new bed. oh decorated her room with like butterflies and stuff like all the things that she loved oh i'm so glad she has that And she got her dog Molly back.
I didn't even know that. We'll post the picture with the case on Instagram where we post all the pictures from the episodes. um but yeah she got her dog molly back and there's a photo of her and her aunt and her dog molly and she's like smiling good she's just like fuck you jake I'm fine.
And I love that that's basically what her response was.
She was like, he's dumb and I'm not. So fuck him.
Yeah. Like she was like, And guess what?
Pace should be smart. Enjoy your time in jail, sucker.
I'm going to be free and you're going to be locked up forever, you ugly little troll.
You piece of actual shit. Shite. You fossilized shite.
You are a fossilized shite. That was the absolutely tragic story of the murder of Denise and James Kloss and the abduction of Jamie.
But thank God. She got out of there. Yeah, seriously.
Like, you know? Oh, it's just anytime it's a complete stranger.
Yeah. There's just nothing even to say about it except that is a fucking nightmare.
No. That is every parent's and kid's worst nightmare.
Just a straight up stranger coming to get you in the middle of the night.
Like, holy shit. And I should mention, it's honestly really sad for his parents too.
His mom said that she was terrified after this happened and the neighbor said she couldn't leave her house.
She was so scared. Well, can you imagine?
No. And his dad was like, I can't believe that I was there.
Yeah. His grandpa was like... He probably feels responsible for not... knowing she was there even though he couldn't know you know what I mean but oh and his dad said he was like basically he was saying he was so sad and he was like I want to get a note to her family Like, I'm so sorry to them.
That makes me so sad. Because that's the thing.
It's like they... most of the time the parents end up being victims as well you know like the parents of the murderer and this is definitely one of those cases that it's like You destroy so many people.
He destroyed his own mother. Absolutely.
And it's easy for people to quickly come to the conclusion that they want to get angry at. the mother and father of the person you know like in the west memphis three case i was just gonna say melissa byers uh i don't know i don't even think i mentioned it it's in the documentary It's in the documentaries.
I'm sure you saw it. But they literally, she says at one point, like, I, you know, I like, what does she say?
She's like, I curse. I curse these three boys and the mothers that bore them.
And she says it with such vitriol. But again, go watch Paradise Lost.
It's crazy. But that I remember watching that and being like, I get it.
Like, I understand. Oh, 100%. It's not logical, but it makes sense.
Because you're green. grieving nothing's logical if somebody did something to my kids or like someone i loved i would also hate their parents just because i feel like you brought them into the world you know But it's not fair at the same time because nine times out of ten, it has nothing to do with the parents.
So that's just sad. It really is. There was so many people affected by that.
Yeah, a lot of victims in this case. And thank God she has, like, an aunt that's able to take care of her.
I know. and i hope she thrives and i hope she like you know like amanda knox is it or like emily or emily Elizabeth smarts it she will and just like comes out of there just guns blazing I think she's gonna Yeah.
I mean, she definitely needs some time. She sure does.
And if she wants to live her life quietly for the rest of it... more power to her i would want i would not blame her real quiet but i feel like she's like such a fighter 100 damn amazing little girl woof so that's that's the tale of james it was heavy to do that one that's real heavy for this but we had we had a fun episode yesterday yeah fun spooky episode About death games.
Figured we would bring you back down to earth.
Yeah, we can't keep you up for too long.
We gotta smash you back down to reality.
Sorry. all right well if you want to check out the picture of jamie and her dog and molly molly You can head over to our Instagram at Morbid Podcast.
You can hit us up on Twitter. a morbid podcast join our facebook group morbid colon a true crime podcast then you can write us an email.
That is the perfect place to send listener tales.
Please don't send listener tales anywhere else.
They go to our Gmail. definitely do the gmail morbid podcast at gmail.com send your listener tales your spooky road things your sleep paralysis stories and anything else you want to say, except if it's to be an asshole, because then you'll get deleted.
Right. And the only reason we want you to send them there is because they might get lost if you send them anywhere else. it's good to have them in a centralized area so we can actually go through them exactly um and that is pretty much all i can think of so like we hope you keep listening and we hope you keep it weird but not so weird that you go ahead and kidnap a stranger because that's fucked up bye real fucked up jake bye Thank you.
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