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Hello and welcome to Happier, a podcast where we talk about how to be happier.
This week we'll talk about why it's a good idea to throw a party and how I discovered that it turns out that I am not alone in feeling a beautiful pressure to use things up.
I'm Gretchen Rubin, a writer who studies happiness, good habits, human nature, secrets of adulthood.
I am today working from an undisclosed location.
And joining me today from Los Angeles is my sister, Elizabeth Craft, my sister, the sage.
That's me, Elizabeth Craft, a TV writer and producer living in L.A.
And Gretchen, I'm where I always am in my home office in Encino, California.
Well, before we jump in, we have a few updates from listeners.
Lisa wrote You talked about the reading retreat for one of your 25 and 25 lists this year and right away I was intrigued.
When you described it, I talked with my adult daughter about it and we were both all in on the idea.
I'm happy to say that this past weekend was our reading retreat and it was a fantastic weekend.
We visited six independent bookstores in the Pittsburgh area.
They were all so unique and we bought something at each one.
After our day at bookstores, we had dinner and retreated to our hotel room to just read.
It was so nice.
My daughter and I have been readers forever, and this was the perfect weekend for us.
She has three young children and doesn't often get away.
While we see each other frequently, it's always with several family members.
That's great too, but spending time with just the two of us was so precious.
I want to thank you for the suggestion, fantastic idea, and we loved it.
Now listen, we didn't think about including visits to bookstores.
That is a great, Great addition.
Well, Gretchen, I'll remind you, we did visit godmothers on our way.
That's right.
It was an idea that sort of arose.
But yes, we should definitely make that part of every reading retreat we do.
Well, you surprised me with that.
It wasn't part of my idea of the retreat.
That was like a little bonus that got thrown in.
But yeah, I think next time we could build that in very explicitly.
Love that.
Camilla said...
In episode 484, you shared my story about training for a tough transition, in my case getting ready to donate a kidney.
My husband's health has now reached the point where a transplant is necessary.
I doubt that my kidney will be a match for him, but I've started the process of getting worked up to donate via the kidney exchange program.
Since episode 484, May of 2024, I've lost 73 pounds and I've successfully avoided type 2 diabetes.
I've been lifting weights and I've just taken up running at 52 years old.
The concept of training for a tough transition really helped me to reframe this period into a challenge rather than an ordeal.
I feel like I'm in a great position to help my husband get a kidney more quickly.
He's already a heart transplant recipient, so avoiding stressing his body even more is vital, and to cope with surgery and recovery for both of us.
Well, that's wonderful.
That is wonderful.
How excellent to train for a tough transition.
And it's wonderful to hear how much progress you've made.
And we send all of our best wishes for both of you, particularly your husband.
So well done.
Yes.
This week, our Try This at Home suggestion is to have a party.
Now, before I said throw a party, but I think throwing a party kind of sounds more intimidating.
Having a party sounds, I don't know, sounds easier.
There's something about a party.
It's festive.
It brings people together.
Often, when you have a party, you help people meet new people or see people that they might not otherwise see.
It's really fun to have a party.
Yes, I love going to parties, Gretchen.
It's one of my goals in life to be someone who hosts parties, throws parties, has parties, gives parties.
I definitely need the nudge from you to follow through.
One thing that I did that gets me to have a party is, you know, I have my children's literature and young adult literature reading groups.
And there's more than one group because the group got so big it had to split.
But every year for the holidays because I love my holiday decorations I have a drinks and dessert party where all the groups come together so all the kid litters can meet each other.
And this is super fun.
And I do it every year.
So I'm committed to it.
And I know that I'm going to have this party.
And it's super fun.
I really look forward to it.
But I also like the fact that, since I know that I'm going to do it, there's not that decision fatigue of Am I going to have a party?
When am I going to have a party?
I always know, okay, I'm going to have that party.
But you know Elizabeth, the kind of party you go to, that I don't go to that I think sounds really fun is finale parties for TV shows.
Yes, I have friends who always have finale parties and they always have trivia contests and you're guessing what's going to happen.
They have... theme food.
And it's just such a great reason to have a party.
You know, one thing that I think helps with that is that it gives you that sort of excuse, because I think part of my issue with having parties is that I feel self-conscious.
I feel weird inviting people over and like, do they really want to come?
And who am I to have a party?
But if there's a reason for it, like a season finale or a premiere party I have hosted premiere parties it makes me feel less self-conscious.
And then, like you said, then there's sort of a theme to play off of.
Like I remember, for the Game of Thrones finale you had a t-shirt that said I drink and I know things.
And I still think of you every time I see that slogan out in the world.
And yeah, then there's the food.
It's just something, it gives it that air of whimsy.
So here's a question.
What do you think counts as a party?
That is a good question.
I would go with anything over eight people, I think, could be a party.
It might not have to be a party.
Like if it's a meeting, it's not a party.
But I think anything under eight people or eight is more of a get together.
Mm hmm.
Right.
Well, and it's interesting that you say, like, is it a meeting or a party?
Like, I think my book club might have 15 people at it, but it doesn't feel like a party.
It feels like a book club meeting.
But then at the holiday party, that really feels like a party.
So you might have a lot of people get together, but it doesn't have that party feeling.
And I do think that when something is described as a party, you feel like you want to go to it more.
It feels more elevated and it also feels like, okay, this is something that I should go to if I can.
Yes.
And to add to that, if there is any kind of actual invitation involved, whether it be paper or digital, I think that also ups both the desire to go and the sort of internal pressure to go.
I think texting people that you're having a party does not get the same result as sending an invitation.
Absolutely.
Yes.
Having an invitation.
I remember you saying how you would send an invitation even for family Thanksgiving just because it's so elevated.
It feels so much more like a real party if you have an invitation.
Yes.
And it starts the festive feeling.
Yes, exactly.
But here's a wrinkle that I will offer.
Because you know I'm writing a book, Project Empty Nest, about people dealing with the open door period of life.
That's how I'm rebranding the empty nest.
So I would encourage people if you want to have a party, if this is something that appeals to you, do not have a child-centered party or a family-centered party.
Don't be planning a party for the soccer team. and their parents or around your child's birthday.
It's wonderful to do those things.
Do those things, but also push yourself to have a party that isn't a family party or a child-centric party.
Because one of the things that sometimes happens to people in the empty nest phase is they realize that they haven't really cultivated their friendships apart from active family life.
So they feel a lack of relationships once the children leave.
So if you're thinking about having a party, have it around something other than that.
So let us know if you do try this at home and how having a party works for you.
What have you used as an excuse to have a party?
Or maybe you just, you don't even need an excuse.
You just have a party, which is great.
Let us know on Instagram threads, TikTok, Facebook.
Drop us an email at podcast at gretchenrubin.com.
Or as always, you can go to the show description.
This is happiercast.com slash 559 for everything related to this episode.
All right, Gretch, coming up, we've got a happiness hack related to putting together furniture.
We all need this.
But first, this break.
The holidays are coming up and I am hosting Thanksgiving.
And so I am running around trying to get everything ready for lots of guests.
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Gretch, you know that I am not much of a cook.
I've been very open about that.
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Elizabeth, you know we are always talking about the small things that we can do that make a big impact, not just in our own lives but for the planet as well.
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Okay, Gretch, we are back with this week's happiness hack.
Yes, and this hack comes from my friend Ruth.
She thought that listeners might benefit from this idea as much as she did.
So here's what she wrote.
I have a hack for putting together IKEA furniture.
Maybe everybody knows this already, but you can go on YouTube and search for the model of the thing you're trying to put together and watch a video of someone who knows what they're doing explaining how to do it.
All kinds of handyman types from all over the world seem to have made these videos.
I was struggling with a nightstand and searched for it on a whim and all these things came up.
The video I watched began with the guy taking the instructions and throwing them away, which I loved.
I learned all sorts of useful things from him that aren't in included in the instructions.
For instance, those pesky little Ikea bolts actually have an arrow on them that you're supposed to line up with a hole.
Who knew?
This is just a good example of there is so much information on YouTube.
If there is anything that you are wondering about, look on YouTube, because it is astonishing how much information is there.
Yes, and those little tips and tricks can make such a difference absolutely, absolutely.
And now we have a bunch of listener responses to something that I raised in an earlier episode, which is this feeling that I had, and I didn't know if anybody else had it.
Well, it turns out they do.
This feeling of pressure to use things up, not from frugality, but like that we owe it to the wonders and the splendor of the world to appreciate them and to exhaust them and to avail ourselves of them.
And sometimes for me, this desire to use something up becomes... almost oppressive.
Like one of the reasons I go to the Metropolitan Museum every day.
Is it really weighed on my conscience?
Because I was like here's the Met.
I can go.
And yet I never go.
I'm not using it up.
But by going every day, now I'm using it up.
Well, as so often happens, when I talked about something that I thought maybe I was the only person in the world that experienced it, it turns out that many people share this very same feeling.
And it was so interesting to hear what they had to say.
Yes.
June said, I was gratified to hear your description of wanting to use it up.
While you worry about taking advantage of resources that are readily available to you, I fret about using up the rare and unusual.
I have an almost panicky feeling whenever the weather is really nice.
I live in the South, where the summer days are often miserable and winter days tend to be gloomy and chilly.
When a perfect day arrives, I immediately plan how to use it up.
Sitting on our screened-in porch as long as possible, walking in the park, eating at a restaurant with outdoor seating, opening the windows.
If I have to be inside all day I feel a sinking sense of loss at the end of the wasted day.
It seems that I can't fully satisfy this urge to make The most of it, though.
Even when tent camping at a national park.
I sometimes get antsy if we spend too much time in a gift shop on a beautiful day.
As the resident of a landlocked state, I have the same feeling about sunsets over the ocean.
When we visit relatives in Southern California, I immediately check the forecast and plan trips to various beaches at sunset to witness the magic.
I've never regretted fighting traffic or delaying dinner to watch the shimmering gold sparkles on the water, the almost iridescent glow.
I love that.
What a beautiful image.
It is.
Nadia said all things that are unique to Santa Barbara and free.
Since I volunteer at the yoga studio, I feel like I am wasting it.
Thank you for articulating something that is so clear to me, and also for pointing out that others may not feel the same way, which could be a source of conflict.
Yes, maybe you feel this very powerfully.
Maybe you do not.
Jill said I loved hearing Gretchen talk about her tendency to want to absorb slash, see slash, enjoy everything about a place or event.
I definitely share this tendency with her.
I am also an upholder like Gretchen.
When I travel I want to get up and out early, see everything that one is supposed to see, eat and drink all the local delicacies, not miss out on anything, because who knows if or when I'll return.
I live in the beautiful state of Vermont and feel like I'm wasting my existence here if I
Bye.
Bye.
Bye.
I want to, again, get up early and get started so I can feel like I used up the day fully.
It has definitely been a motivating force throughout my life and I feel like it's part of no regrets.
If I use it up, I'll have no regrets about it.
Does that make sense?
I absolutely get it, and that's a really good example of how it could cause conflict because somebody just has a different perspective on it.
But I absolutely know what you're talking about.
Victoria said, yes, I have the need to use it up.
I've never been able to articulate this.
Mine shows up big time with the night sky.
It's interesting how many of these are about nature.
I get panicked if it's a nice night and we are inside.
We were given this.
Our night sky may get cluttered.
Look at all the satellites already.
It will only get more cluttered.
Let's get outside.
That's what's going on in my head.
But to my husband, I say, do you want to go outside with me?
I'm devastated if he doesn't join.
He missed out.
Even if I'm outside, I feel pain.
He missed it.
Now I'm going to see where else this shows up in my life.
I felt a slight pang when you and Elizabeth said you didn't use the pool once on your reading retreat.
It also helps explain why I'm holding on dearly to the motto I received from a previous Happier podcast if you don't use it, you lose it.
It gives me disproportionate joy to say that phrase to everyone who will listen.
Yes, I still remember not going to that pool, Gretch.
I know, I know.
Clearly that has weighed on many listeners' minds as well as ours.
Next time we will not make that mistake.
Yes.
Claudia said regarding the urge to use it up, I was very content to just drift.
Until some 25 years ago I read Anderson's fairy tale The Little Fir Tree to my daughter.
It is no exaggeration to say that that story, which I hadn't heard before, cut me to the marrow.
Since then, I have been haunted by that carpe diem urge, which is painful in itself, because humans are not meant to be active all their waking hours.
In hunter gatherer societies.
They sit around for hours every day maybe, just doing each other's hair.
Still, I think that would leave me, like the little fir tree, in a dusty attic, bare and dry, with very few memories.
So if you haven't read The Little Fur Tree lately, I will include a link in the show notes.
It is a very short fairy tale.
The thing about Hans Christian Andersen is many of his fairy tales really are extraordinarily poignant.
I think of The Little Match Girl, The Little Fur Tree.
There's a lot going on in that.
And yes, it will definitely get you fired up to use it up, because we will just say The Little Fur Tree did not take that attitude and the little fir tree regretted it.
Diane wrote, This happens to me at work conferences.
Yes, we will do that next time.
Yeah, that was a big, big mistake.
Nora said, I understand Gretchen's need to use it up a million percent.
My boyfriend and I pack our travel schedules to the brim to get the most out of our trips.
Although I love doing this and wouldn't have it any other way, these trips do leave me feeling a bit worn out.
Often I hear myself saying, I need a vacation from our vacation.
In the same vein as your reading retreat, I have decided that twice a year I will take a mini weekend long trip by myself.
The destination is always the same, a very short and inexpensive Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
Emily writes.
When you talked about using it up on a recent episode, I was reminded of a trip I took to a theme park with my two kids and another family.
On that trip, I learned that my son and I are not theme park people and that my daughter is.
The group was much happier splitting up.
My son and I went back to the hotel for an afternoon nap and quiet reading, while the others rode as many roller coasters as they could.
If my son and I had stayed in the park, overstimulated by the crowds lights, rides and noises, we would have been tired and cranky.
If the others had been forced to relax, they would have felt resentful.
After all, we could nap and read anywhere.
The experience was very different from childhood visits to a theme park, where my parents encouraged us to get all we could out of the day.
We strategized about which lines would be shortest.
When, arrived before the entrance, rope dropped and ran from ride to ride.
It worked for us at the time.
But for this recent trip, I needed some downtime, and I'm glad I set that example for the kids.
Think about your nature and what you need in the moment or the season.
That's a great thing.
Using it up doesn't always mean packing in every single moment.
It means getting what you want out of the experience.
Yes.
And finally, Lisa said, my husband was a finance major with a minor in accounting.
His use it up philosophy for everything is from an accounting perspective.
It's a sunk cost now.
You paid for a full day at Disney, but you're ready to go.
That's fine.
It's a sunk cost.
The decision now is, do I feel like going or staying?
There's nothing you can do to change the money that has been spent.
But what brings you the greatest joy right now?
I'm sure many people would not agree with this philosophy, but sometimes it makes me feel less bad about not getting the full value of something.
Well, that's certainly an interesting perspective.
And I think that if you do feel like sometimes it's sort of a beautiful pressure to use something up, but sometimes it can really feel very burdensome
So this is a good reminder that you can look at it a different way.
Well, I'm so thrilled that people know what I'm talking about, because once I put my finger on it, I realized that this is a thread that goes through a lot of my experiences.
So it was very gratifying to hear from so many listeners that they knew exactly what I was talking about.
Yes, you struck a chord, Gretch.
Coming up, Gretchen has a demerit related to Barnaby and Taffy, but first this break.
On this podcast, we talk about strategies and solutions for making our lives happier healthier, more productive and more creative.
And we usually focus on topics that are within our control.
Habits we can make, books we can read, rituals we can try.
And these suggestions have a lot to do with agency.
If we have the power to try and make our situation better, even a little bit, at least we have a game plan.
But some things in life are simply out of our control.
Sometimes we get sick.
Sometimes our body fails us or gets in our way.
Sometimes unfortunately, we don't have the resources to change our circumstances, no matter how much we may want to.
What happens then?
Today we're thrilled to share some stories from IPPF, which stands for the International Planned Parenthood Federation.
IPPF is the world's largest and most enduring network of national civil society organizations for reproductive health rights and justice.
Today, you'll hear from Alice Ackerman, a young activist educator, former social worker and former board member of IPPF, as she shares stories from around the world.
They share a simple yet powerful idea that every body holds a story.
And when we can control our own bodies, we control our own stories.
What connects all human beings is our bodies.
In our bodies, we can feel and see our joys, our fears, our resilience.
I started to be an activist when I was 15 years old.
And since then, every day, when I wake up, I have only one goal to build a world where every person can make their own choices about their bodies and their lives.
In the US, I can see that women's rights are under attack and the rights that generations fought for are being ruled back.
This is not an American issue.
It's happening in so many countries all over the world.
This is why we really need to come together and show solidarity and support organizations like IPPF, who are fighting for all women all around the world, for them to have access to their bodily autonomy.
Sexual and repetitive dignity is the foundation of a free life.
It means having the power to make decisions about your body without fear, stigma, or barriers.
And so how do we get there?
We get there by standing up, speaking out, and refusing to compromise on our rights.
It's to build the perfect world for reproductive and sexual health, where bodily autonomy is non-negotiable.
APPF created this campaign.
Everybody holds a story.
Because it's a reminder that when we fight for sexual and reproductive healthcare, we are actually fighting for humanity itself.
That every person deserves to live in a body that is safe, respected, and free.
Okay, Gretz, we're back with demerits and gold stars.
And this week, it is your turn for a demerit.
Well yes, this is a dog-related demerit because you know, we have Barnaby and Taffy and I know that they really have fun when there is some kind of puzzle game or like when we hide their treats and they have to dig for them and hunt for them, or where there's some kind of task.
You know that there's some kind of puzzle that they have to solve to get a treat.
And my demerit is that I just don't do it very often.
I know that they really enjoy it, but very often I just don't take the trouble.
And by giving myself this demerit, I want to remind myself, go the extra mile, figure this out.
Some of them work better than others.
I need to sort through it and realize like I need to do a little bit of work to figure out which ones are the best.
But I really want to do it because I think that they do really enjoy them.
And it's probably good for them to exercise their brains in that way.
Yes.
Do you have any good puzzle games for Nacho and Daisy?
No, I was just going to say, Gretchen, if listeners have... suggestions for corgis, let me know.
Because every puzzle game we've ever gotten, they've just ripped through in two seconds.
So they have a force that can overcome the puzzle.
They just break it.
Oh, that's so funny.
So I would love to hear suggestions from listeners as well.
Or also for non-corgis, if there's any ones that your dog loves.
Yeah, just send us any puzzle games because I think dogs really do enjoy them.
So it's just something that I need to explore.
But, Alyssa, take us up.
What's your gold star?
Okay, my gold star is for Sarah, my writing partner, who I mention often, my co-host of Happier in Hollywood.
I am giving Sarah a big gold star because she has done so much work on these pitch decks that we do.
Oh, yeah.
So, you know, we go around and we pitch shows.
That's a big part of what we do.
And along with that now, especially because everything is on Zoom, we do these pitch decks, which basically is a slideshow that you have up on the screen while you're doing the pitch.
You show the characters and the world and sometimes pictures to go along with the pilot story, et cetera.
And it's a big job.
And Sarah is really good at finding photos.
I say finding photos is her superpower.
But part of it is just that she has the patience to just search and search and search for the perfect photo.
And she's also really figured out how to use AI to create slides in certain situations, which is incredibly helpful.
And it takes a lot of time.
And it's an area where I could definitely improve.
But part of it is I know she's so good at it that I just sit there and encourage her.
But I need to get up there myself.
But anyway I give her a huge gold star because she has been really creating some great pitch decks with the help of other people.
It's not just her.
We have other people helping us, but she's done a lot of great work.
Well, I remember on an episode of Happier in Hollywood you were going into detail about what was in the pitch decks.
And one of the things that you were saying that I thought was interesting, which is, let's say, you're suggesting an actor for a particular role to give an idea of what that character would look like.
You can't just take a red carpet picture like a really good picture of that actor.
You need to have that actor looking like that character, because it's not about the actor, it's about evoking what the character looks like.
So that's a lot more difficult, because you could have an amazing red carpet picture in a flash, but to find one where they look the way you want your character, the expression, the clothes, the vibe that's much harder to do.
Yes, and it can be hard, and sometimes we may even have to switch who we are using as the example if we can't find a great photo.
But somehow Sarah always comes through.
Oh, it's her superpower.
Well, the resource for this week...
One thing that makes all of us happier is giving someone a gift that they really love.
It's so satisfying to give the perfect gift, but it's not always easy to identify that perfect gift, especially if you're trying to figure out something on the spot.
So I created a guide to help you generate thoughtful gift ideas now, so you can avoid the last minute scramble when it is time to shop for presents.
It is perfect if you are going to be doing some shopping for Black Friday.
You can go to happiercast.com slash gift generator to check it out.
I love that.
That's so cool.
And Elizabeth, what are we reading?
What are you reading?
I am reading The British Are Coming by Rick Atkinson.
And I am reading On the Beach by Neville Shute.
And that's it for this episode of Happier.
Remember to try this at home.
Have a party.
Let us know if you tried it and if it worked for you.
Thank you to our executive producer, Chuck Reed, and everyone at Lemonada.
And here's your rhyming reminder.
If you love the show, leave a review to let us know.
Reviews and ratings really do help a show.
We really appreciate it.
Until next week, I'm Elizabeth Craft.
And I'm Gretchen Rubin.
Thanks for joining us Onward and Upward.
Elizabeth, speaking of puzzle toys, remember the time when I was visiting you And, all of a sudden, Daisy and Nacho were very quiet.
And then we turned around and we realized they had completely ripped apart your outdoor lawn sofa.
Yes.
They had eviscerated it.
Yes.
Like 10 minutes.
We were just enjoying the calm.
And then as with a child, we realized it was too quiet.
It was too quiet.
Yes, indeed.
I can see why they might pose more of a challenge than Barnaby and Taffy.
From the Onward Project.
Hi Gretchen, Craig Robinson and my little sister Michelle here.
We host a new podcast called IMO with Michelle Obama and Craig Robinson.
We know you're the queen of giving advice, so we wanted to get a few tips from you.
You know, Gretchen, a lot of our listeners are going through some major life changes.
What advice do you have for folks who are trying to stay grounded in the midst of major life transitions?
Craig and Michelle, I am so happy to be talking to you.
Here are a few questions that might help us gain perspective.
So consider questions like this.
What activities take up my time but are not particularly useful or stimulating for me?
Do I spend a lot of time on something that's important to someone else but is not very important to me?
If I could magically change one habit in my life, what would I choose?
And here's a question.
Would I like to have more time in solitude restorative solitude or would I like to have more time with friends?
You know, just thinking about questions like this can help us start to figure out how we might make our lives happier.
With greater self-knowledge, we're better able to make hard decisions that reflect ourselves, our own nature, our own interests, our own values.
In my own case, I have found that the more my life reflects my nature, the happier I get and the more grounded I feel when I'm going through a period of major change or transition.
For more great advice, search for IMO with Michelle Obama and Craig Robinson wherever you get podcasts.
You can listen to Issa Rae on letting go of certain friendships, Kiki Palmer on why disappointment is actually the key to career success, Seth and Lauren Rogan on caring for aging parents, and so many more.
