Does it ever feel like so many of your hardest parenting moments happen in the car with your kids?
You're driving and your kids are arguing about the music or who's sitting in what seat, or they're just kind of touching each other.
Or maybe some of your hardest parenting moments are when you're in the car without your kids and you're just thinking when did I become an Uber driver?
I didn't know this is what parenting would be like.
Well, I'm so excited to bring you a special bonus carpool Q&A brought to you by Chomps.
All questions having to do with the practical situations we all face in the car.
I'm Dr. Becky, and this is Good Inside.
We'll be back right after this.
I'm so excited to join you for a back to school carpool Q&A in partnership with Chomps.
All right, let's just start with some basic top tips for getting through car time and carpools.
Number one, Set the stage by naming that your teammates.
Look to the kids in the back before you pull out of a driveway of school, wherever you are, and just say car rides can be tricky.
I want you to know we're on the same team.
We are going to be able to get through this tricky thing together.
By doing that, you're immediately saying that you kind of trust your kids, that you're in it together.
And kids love that and will often kind of improve their behavior just by setting the stage in that way.
Two, always have something for you.
You need something on a car ride to give you grounding.
That might mean a snack.
That might mean you insist on a song that you like, that has a positive association.
Insert yourself into the car moment.
And I promise you, you will not be as reactive.
Three I always give myself permission to just pull to the side of the road at any point and take a break.
I just say to the kids in the back, hey, we're gonna take a break for a moment.
I need a deep breath.
That is such amazing modeling and it gives you a moment to reground yourself and then continue a car ride or a carpool in a way you're proud of.
All right, we have some amazing questions from parents, so let's get to those.
My two kids seem to fight nonstop in the car.
There's only so much I can do because I'm driving, but it triggers me so much.
Any advice?
Look, I've been there myself and I want to tell you the truth.
The only thing that's actually helped me in this situation is prepping my kid a little bit in advance.
I know that sounds annoying.
I don't have time for that, but I promise you it will save you so much time and frustration.
Here's what I mean.
Talk to your kids in a calm moment when you're not about to get in the car.
Say something like this.
It's hard to kind of keep our hands to ourselves and stay calm in the car.
It's so important so I can keep us safe.
Let's practice.
Hopefully your kids see this as a game, not as a punishment.
Yeah, let's go to the car and I'm gonna get in the seat and you're gonna get in your seats and we're gonna practice something.
Have them sit and do this.
Let's all take a deep breath and just say, this is hard and I can do hard things.
Let's also say I can keep my hands to myself and have them actually practice putting their hands on their bodies, which is something they will then be more likely to do during an actual car ride.
It's kind of like you're giving them practice in the gym before the big game.
And then when the big game comes, which is a simple car ride, they'll be so much more likely to have good behavior.
Last year after school I would ask my kid how their day was, and all I ever got back was fine or I don't know.
I just want to learn more about their day and have a conversation but it's like pulling teeth.
What should I do?
Look, I get it.
You've been thinking about your kid all day.
They've been gone for so many hours.
You wanna know, did you make any new friends?
Did you do art?
Did you build with blocks?
What did you learn?
How's stuff with your teacher?
I am the exact same way, and I learned this the hard way.
My kid would come in the car after school and I would pepper them with questions and they would shut down for the rest of the day.
Then a friend said something to me that really resonated.
Becky, think about your most stressful day at work hours and hours of trying to hold it all together.
And picture me meeting you after work right outside your office and just peppering you with questions.
And then it hit me.
I'd find that so annoying.
It's not that I don't want to talk about my day, but I need to do it on my own timeline.
I need to not feel pressured and it needs to not feel like it's just your agenda.
So here's my guidance.
Don't think about the car ride after school as the time you're going to get information.
Hopefully this feels like a relief.
Just use it to play your favorite song and actually not have much of a conversation at all.
Now the pressure's off your kid and off you.
I actually think the best time to ask one or two questions about your kid's day is way later, maybe around dinner or, even better, when you're putting them to bed at night.
Try that.
I think you'll be more successful.
My daughter has some separation anxiety at drop-off.
What can I do in the car ride to help her get ready and make that moment a little easier?
Okay.
So first thing I have to remind you, because I have to remind myself our job as parents is not to make a tear-free drop-off.
That actually is important, because if your kid feels like you're anxious about the fact that they're anxious, that makes them more anxious because they feel like oh, maybe school really is bad.
Maybe the fact that I'm sad at drop-off is a bigger problem than I realized.
So step one is just taking a deep breath and reminding yourself it's okay if your kid has a hard time at drop-off.
So many kids do.
Step two, think about this equation.
Kind of one of your feet in a way is invalidation.
You're going to validate what your kid is feeling. other foot is not there.
It's in what I call capability or hope.
We have to see a more capable version of our kid than they can access in the moment.
Here's what that might sound like on the car ride to school.
Don't talk about it for too long.
We don't want to ruminate, but maybe a minute or two away you just say something simple.
Like I know, drop-off can feel tricky.
And I know you're going to end up having a great day.
You have one foot in validating their reality and the other foot in seeing them as capable.
That is what a kid really needs to hear.
So sometimes it's such a struggle for us to get out of the house.
We end up being late, i end up yelling, and by the time we're in the car the mood is pretty low.
Is there a way i can turn it around for the car ride?
Look, I've been there myself.
The mornings are so stressful, and part of the reason they're stressful is, we tell ourselves, it's simple getting out of the house.
It is a full heart, full body transition for everyone.
So I just want to validate that from the start.
Now, you're right.
You had a tough morning.
You're kind of walking to the car and you really want to turn things around, but sometimes that doesn't happen.
So I want to tell you what I tend to do in those moments, at least on a good day.
If you think about turning it around, you need to insert something new into that transition to signal to everyone that tough morning is behind us.
We're going to go into the next part of our day as teammates, even as playmates.
After all, being playful, being silly, is always the best way for kids to have better behavior, because they feel more connected to you.
And honestly, you feel more connected to the best part of yourself when you can have a little bit of levity.
So on the walk to the car, do something different that adds a little bit of fun.
It could be something ridiculous like hey, from today forward, when we walk to the car, do we wanna say really weird, random sounds ugly bugly, juggly.
That's enough to get your kid out of difficult morning mode.
Maybe you also just want to state something direct.
Hey, that was a tough morning.
Let's have a more fun, connected energy.
An older kid might want to hear that.
Maybe you start a new routine that's the same every day.
Hey, let's think about a family walk to the car song. and you play a certain song that again just signals to our body and theirs, whoa, that tough morning is behind us.
Now we're in a different place.
I guess my biggest piece of guidance is think about the walk to the car as a transition moment and put something into the transition to signal to everyone that we can put a tough morning behind us and move forward in a way that feels better for everyone.
Why do I feel like a full-time chauffeur?
I am constantly driving my kids around.
They can't drive yet, and it feels like such a thankless job.
You and me both sometimes.
I actually was feeling this years ago and I had a really interesting insight.
It was during a conversation with my husband that actually not only changed things in terms of not feeling as much like a chauffeur, but actually something more substantial.
Here's what I mean.
We can all get into a mode of optimizing for each kid.
On a Saturday my kid has a 10 am birthday party.
We leave a little bit early to get to the soccer practice and then I drive all the way across the county for a play date at a friend's house who he hasn't seen.
And then I get back And it's 4 or 5 pm and I'm totally exhausted.
Now, if you have more than one kid, of course we feel like a chauffeur even more often, because we are optimizing all the time for each kid.
Now think about this mindset shift.
I'm going to try a weekend where I optimize for our family, not for each kid.
What might that mean?
RSVP no for a birthday party because you already have two things on the calendar.
Or it's not that.
Telling that friend that your kid cannot have a playdate that day, even if the calendar looks open, because you're thinking about time for the family to just be in your house together or time for you to rest and not be in the car.
Your mood, how much energy you have.
Also the idea of the family being together instead of split apart all the time.
It actually ends up being better for everyone.
So try that.
I can't wait to hear how that goes.
What's the weirdest thing you've ever found under a car seat?
The weirdest thing I ever found under a car seat was a piece of old moldy, very stinky string cheese under the buckle.
What's one song that's guaranteed to brighten the mood, inspire, sing along in your car?
One song that is guaranteed to brighten the mood in our car is I Want It That Way by Backstreet Boys.
I had to do a little bit to get my kids into it, but now they're on board.
Hi Dr. Becky.
I know you talk a lot about taking up space and making sure that we're filling our own cup and taking care of our own needs as moms.
So I was just curious, what's one thing in the car that you always have that's just for you?
Honestly, I have two things in the car that are always for me.
I always have at least one podcast downloaded.
So after a drop off, when I'm waiting for a pickup, instead of doing something that doesn't end up feeling like self-care, I listen to something that feels adult.
Maybe it's true crime or it's something for work that feels interesting.
And so that's one thing.
And then the other thing is very different.
It's a snack for me.
I always have snacks for my kids in the car, but I realized I always need a snack for myself.
Giving my kids a snack without having one for myself never felt good, and I like that.
I'm modeling self-care.
Oh, that snack's for me.
So a podcast and a snack.
The car ride can actually be an amazing time for the best conversations with your kid.
I know that kids often open up when they're in less pressured situations.
And actually when you're driving and you're looking out the front and your kid is also looking out the front, the lack of direct eye contact communicates to a kid that there's not as much intensity.
And so they're more willing to share.
So if you're struggling to kind of get your kid to open up, remember that when you're in the car alone with your kid, maybe tell a story, maybe ask a light question, and then pause and just wait.
Sometimes the magical moment happens in the car.
I hope you took one or two practical strategies today that you can use in one of your car rides.
Even though this episode was a little different, let's end the way we always do.
Place your feet on the ground, put a hand on your heart and remind yourself even as we struggle on the outside, we remain good inside.
I'll see you soon.
