Conan O'Brien needs a fan.
Want to talk to Conan?
Visit teamcoco.com slash callconan.
Okay, let's get started.
Oh.
Hi, Asiya.
You've caught us at an odd time.
Welcome to the show.
Hello, Asiya.
Hi.
Oh, my God.
I can't believe this.
Now, Asiya, normally on Conan O'Brien Needs a Fan podcast, I say it's nice to meet you.
But I must tell everyone we have already met.
I was shooting my travel show in Austria.
When suddenly I was accosted by a young woman who approached me.
You accosted me.
And I love using that word.
I was accosted.
You came up to me on the street.
You saw me shooting and you walked right up to me and we had a quick conversation which, by the way, made it into, I believe, the Austri show.
Oh.
I saw it on a trailer.
I mean, the short episode of it.
And I was amazed, really.
Yeah.
I didn't think that it would really make to the show.
And I was really so shocked.
But I can't believe that I talked to you again and I see you again.
Yeah.
Well, first of all, let's paint the picture.
I was in Vienna and I was standing on the street with a camera crew.
And what made you come over?
Did you know what we were doing?
Did you see me or did you just come over to investigate?
Okay, so the story is a bit strange.
I was on my way back home, but I had this strong intuition that I want some chicken sandwich.
And there is a very good store or shop right next to the spot where you were with Jordan.
And I was like, okay. am I that hungry really to walk there?
But my intuition was so strong, like go there, go and get your chicken sandwich.
And I was like, okay.
And I was on my way.
And then I was like something weird is happening, because that's the street I walk on every day to get to my work.
And it was a bit loud and it's so unusual to Vienna.
And I'm like, okay, what's going on?
And then I see you and I'm I was stunned, really.
I was like, that's not possible.
So it was such a surreal experience.
Well, you know, I love that.
You Asiya, you portray this as this instinct or this karma drew you to me.
It was a chicken sandwich.
That's how I got this job.
Yeah, exactly.
What I'm going to do from now on when I travel to other countries is just stand next to the chicken sandwich store.
But Asita, it was really fun to meet you.
And I could tell right away you've got a great personality.
And you told me that you're from Kazakhstan.
Is that right?
Exactly.
Yes.
Yes.
Yeah.
And so you are a representative of Kazakhstan.
I've never been to Kazakhstan.
And, you know, I like to travel.
I like to find out about other countries.
Were I to go to Kazakhstan and you were to show me around, first of all, what would be your mission?
What would you want to show me?
What would you want me to learn about Kazakhstan?
So, yeah, actually Kazakhstan is the ninth largest country in the world.
So it's pretty big.
And it's very important really to pick a certain region or certain city.
And I originally come from Almaty.
So it used to be a capital, but not anymore.
And Almaty actually has beautiful, beautiful nature.
So mountains and lakes and it's really mesmerizing, the nature.
So I would... really invite you to Almaty to visit this city first.
It's very beautiful.
Are there stereotypes about Kazakhstan that you would want to correct?
Oh, yeah.
Probably, you know, the Borat movie.
So it's a pretty triggering topic for us.
I know yeah, there is a specific irony behind the movie and then specific, I would say, type of humor and so on.
But as a citizen of Kazakhstan, it's a bit sensitive topic for us.
Do you think the Borat movie?
He's clearly, you know he's not pretending to depict the actual Kazakhstan, but it upsets the people in Kazakhstan that that's how it's portrayed in the movie Borat.
But this is you.
So you know that, okay, that's not real Kazakhstan.
But I met a lot of people who actually think that that's Kazakhstan.
And I grew a bit tired to kind of correct them that that's not actually Kazakhstan.
So the movie was filmed in Romania.
And they actually use real national symbols like our flag, and then the geography of the country and then the name of the country.
So... it was a bit painful to watch, to be honest.
But of course I understand that it's a humor and it's irony, but I couldn't really bear and bring myself to watch more than six or seven minutes of that movie really.
Well, I thought you were about to say, I could only watch it six or seven times.
On the seventh time, I decided that's it.
Um, that's very common though, where comedians make something and then there are people who don't who, who see it and think oh, Borat's a real correspondent.
And, uh, but yes, I could, I understand.
I understand there've been depictions of my hometown of Boston which portray us as loud, abrasive people that wear Red Sox caps backwards and just eat chowder.
And they're absolutely right.
Yeah.
There we go.
Yeah.
Correct.
Um, well, okay.
Let's pretend here, Asiya.
First of all, I'm curious, when you saw me in person, was there anything that surprised you?
Some people are taken with my, in person, that I'm quite different than I am on television.
Say my virility.
Hello?
Is this thing on?
Is this thing working?
No, I'm just curious what you thought when you first saw me.
I was shocked how tall you are, really.
I was like, wow, you're huge.
And then the second fact is that your hair is real.
So that was really... You thought all these years I've been wearing a wig?
You thought this was a wig that I've been wearing?
I don't know.
I don't know.
It seems a bit unnatural.
You know what's interesting?
Asiya, I am, my hair is very strange.
It is real, but I am contemplating at some point when it's necessary, switching to a wig.
Just a wig.
It'd just be so much easier to strap on a Conan wig.
You know that they sell them somewhere.
Like those generic talk show host wigs.
Yes.
That kind of thing.
It's something that just looks like a helmet that I just put on.
The pompadour is ready to go.
It's made of nylon.
It locks in place.
It's also got a digital clock and a pocket for me to keep little trinkets in.
So that's coming.
No, no, no, but you look very good.
You look very good.
Thank you very much.
Thank you.
That's what I was looking for and I got it.
And we'll edit out everything else except that I look really good, and then we'll put an echo on that.
So, okay.
Make a note of that.
Yeah, it's okay.
It's just going to happen naturally.
I come to Kazakhstan and you, Asiya, you show me around.
You will be the ambassador.
You'll be showing me around because we're friends already.
We've already met.
What are the kind of activities that we would do or the customs that you would teach me?
Um, hunting, maybe, on a horse.
Hunting on a horse?
Wow.
Yeah, you, like, steps, you on a horse holding an eagle, and then hunting some small, small animals.
You think I could ride a horse and hold an eagle at the same time on my arm?
And that's how I hunt?
Why not?
No, no, I mean, first of all, yeah, I mean...
I am very athletic and I have great command over eagles with my mind.
So the eagle needs to, I can't train the eagle.
The eagle's pre-trained, right?
The eagle knows what it's doing.
Yes, yes, yes.
And what are we hunting?
They're also pretty heavy.
Go ahead.
They are pretty heavy, but I think you'll get this, yeah.
They're pretty what?
Heavy.
Heavy.
Oh, the eagle's heavy.
Have you seen these guns?
Did you look at my arm in person when we saw each other?
This thing I could have.
You could put a panther on this arm.
I'd hold it for all day and all night.
Why would you hold a panther all day?
And all night.
And all night.
And all night.
So it's a close relationship with me and the panther.
You know, you ask the dumbest questions.
I do.
When I'm talking about having a panther perched on my arm while I'm on a horseback.
Yeah.
And then you come in with these insane allegations.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
You took what I was saying about having a panther on my arm on horseback in Kazakhstan and then made it silly.
I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry.
Yeah.
Anyway, an eagle can be on his arm for a long time.
There'd be an eagle on my arm.
And I'm just curious what is the eagle going to when I say first of all, What is the command I give to the eagle in the native tongue?
What would I say?
I don't know.
Scream something like, hey, or come on.
That's the best you can do?
Wait a minute.
I've never done this before.
Are you from Baltimore?
I think this is all a put on.
I can hear the Baltimore Orioles playing behind you in a stadium.
Yes, Kazakhstan.
What do I yell to the eagle when I want it to get going?
She got all her information from Bora.
Yeah.
No, no, no.
I just I only said that I can imagine you being like on a horse with an eagle and then giving some commands to you.
Well, guess what?
I would do that in a second.
I would eat that up and spit it out.
So what are we hunting?
What is an eagle?
I mean, it's not like the eagle has to capture something that's smaller than the eagle.
I'm guessing right.
Yeah, yeah.
Maybe some rabbits.
I don't know.
Are you into rabbits?
Okay.
What do you mean, am I into rabbits?
I think she's making this up as she goes along.
You are so full of shit right now.
This is just nonsense.
Yes, you would have an ego.
What would I say?
I don't know.
Something that people in Kazakhstan say.
And what would we get?
I don't know.
A rabbit?
What do you think?
What do I think?
You're talking about this.
You went on and on about how Kazakhstan is so important to you and you want to write all the wrong things that have been said about Kazakhstan.
You don't know shit.
Come on.
Your name is Claire.
Maybe some olivers.
Hey, Claire.
Claire from Baltimore.
Chicken.
Chicken.
Chicken.
Asiya, what are some of the unusual delicacies that we would be eating in Kazakhstan?
And don't say chicken sandwich.
So besides riding a horse, we can actually eat horses.
So horse meat.
The national dish is called... The national dish is horse meat?
Yes.
What's it called?
It's called beş parmak and it translates into five fingers because we eat it with fingers.
That's beş parmak.
Okay.
Beş parmak.
Oh, that's like Turkish.
Yes.
Oh, okay.
Beş parmak.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
That's funny.
You walked in today eating horse out of a bag.
Yeah, beş parmak.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
It was a full head of horse.
Yeah.
You got it at a drive-thru.
Yeah.
I'm curious.
So you eat horse.
You said, I don't want to eat the horse that I rode.
That just seems like a betrayal.
You know, if I just rode a horse and we got food together, I would hate to then say I know we just caught a rabbit, but guess what, buddy?
You're up.
Of course, that's a different horse.
So yeah, that's not the horse that you would ride.
But actually, horse meat is very tasty.
Is it?
It's very tasty.
It is.
That's why we eat it.
Does it taste like any other kind of meat that we would know?
Yes, like beef, but even better.
Really?
Better than beef?
Yeah.
That's tough, tough.
Who is I feel like?
Then, if this is true, if horse really does taste fantastic and it's better than beef that someone has, why is it not more acceptable?
Yeah, why are our pets eating horse and not us, you know?
Yeah.
Pet food is usually horse meat.
Is it?
Yeah, often right, isn't it?
Like horse gelatin and not my.
Our dogs eat foie gras.
Oh geez yeah, just the finest.
Actually, here in austria they also eat horses, some horse sausage here in austria.
So i eat a lot of sausage in austria.
Oh, there you go.
So probably yeah, and then i galloped for the next two weeks.
Oh boy, that's how that works.
Yeah, it's true.
So what do you do when you have a hamburger?
I chew cud and I mu and I nuzzle up against a fence.
What do you do when you say have octopus?
Oh, man, I'm all hands on a date.
Oh, God.
Wow.
I've gotten in a lot of trouble after I've had octopi.
What about some of the traditions?
I'm sorry.
Asiya, I wish we were a smarter podcast.
I wish we were better people, but we're not.
And this is your fault because you came up to me.
I didn't come up to you.
What about some of the things?
I know that there are some.
Sometimes there are customs, when I go to a country where you'd think oh, this is not a big deal, but it's actually a huge deal.
And it's something very simple.
Do you know what I mean?
Like... how you consume manners at a table or ways in which you eat something.
I know that in Japan you can commit an incredible faux pas and not even know it, unless you've studied up on the culture.
Tell me about that in Kazakhstan.
We also have something like this in Kazakhstan, and we are a very big tea nation.
We love tea.
You love tea.
We drink tea, yes, very much in the morning, throughout the day, so it doesn't matter.
It doesn't matter whether it's cold outside or warm, we always drink tea.
And there's also a special way to pour tea to someone.
And, for example, in my region.
So my family comes from south of Kazakhstan And it is very disrespectful to like you have a cup and then to fill the cup and then to give this cup to a person to drink.
So it's very kind of disrespectful.
Wait a minute.
It's disrespectful to fill the cup with tea and hand it to someone?
Yes, yes.
So what's the alternative?
You should only pour a little bit.
Oh, just do them a little bit.
Okay.
Yeah, so that the tea is hot.
And then after you're done, after like a few sips, and then you get another tea.
And then you can drink tea for hours, for example.
And when a person gives a couple that is full with tea, then it's a kind of sign that...
Probably, yeah.
You should go home or something like this.
Wow, that's serious business.
Okay.
I feel sorry for the waiters and waitresses, because you come by, you give someone a little bit of tea, you move on, they take one sip and then you're like hey.
You leave me hanging here?
I want more tea.
And I'm like, hey, I got 15 tables to get to.
What do you think this is, a chicken sandwich restaurant?
You know, that'd be tough.
That'd be tough.
I know, but I need to correct you here.
So it only applies when you're at home.
Oh, I see.
When I invite you.
And then my mom pours you tea.
So that's only applicable when you're my guest, for example.
But when you're a tea shop or coffee shop, of course, you can get a cup full.
Okay, I'm glad we made that distinction.
I will be meeting your parents.
Do your parents know of me?
Do they know of my work?
How will your parents react to me?
Be honest.
I think they will be shocked, very shocked.
By my appearance?
By how tall you are.
I'm sorry to say this, but yes.
And you mean shocked and kind of like to be frightened?
Will they be frightened?
Yeah, because, you know, my parents, they weren't that often in foreign countries.
So it's just Turkey or maybe Russia.
So for them to see a foreign person is also a big thing.
Oh, just to be a foreign person would be one thing.
But then when this giant clown comes in with orange hair towering over them, that might be kind of a startling experience.
But also we don't talk loud, so loudly.
And maybe that might also be a thing.
Yeah.
They might be surprised by you.
Oh, wow.
So did you think I was kind of loud when you talked to me?
No, no, no, no.
Of course not.
I'm just saying that how my parents or my family would see it.
Yeah.
They don't have that much experience, you know, communicating or talking to foreign people.
Maybe just remind me if I do meet your parents, because I want to make a good impression, that remind me beforehand and maybe I will just lower my voice a lot.
Is that good?
I just talk way down here.
That's weird too though.
That's weird.
That's strange.
Oh, hello.
I'm a friend of Asiya's and it's nice to meet you.
My name is Tom.
Is that creepy?
That is kind of weird.
Why?
Why is that creepy?
Yeah.
It just doesn't feel right coming out of your mouth.
Yeah.
Do they know who he is?
Do they know that like Conan's a famous entertainer and performer?
Do they know he's a famous creep?
Please continue with your answer.
Yes.
No, they're just into Russian and Kazakh television.
They don't know about Conan, but I know that they will be really amazed by your charm.
I never cracked that Russian Kazakhstan-y.
I know.
Mark it.
I never could.
And I have tried.
I have tried.
This could be a chance.
Yeah.
Maybe when you're on a horse with an eagle, we can get the like local paparazzi there or like TV stations.
I would like to be featured.
Do you have magazines that feature celebrities from Kazakhstan and, you know, neighboring countries?
I'd like to be in one of those magazines, you know, frolicking on the beach.
Right.
This, I don't know, but we have very like huge music festivals.
So maybe you can be there and sing and dance.
And that would be.
I would think I would just come out with a guitar, but I'd have a a, an Eagle, on my arm and I would have the Eagle attack the crowd.
And I'd never play one note on the guitar.
That would be cool.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I'd make everyone in the audience dress up as a rabbit before I came out.
Um, Asia, this is one of the stranger interviews I've ever had.
Uh, I think, um, I think it's your fault.
I blame you.
And I think this is all your fault, because I was just minding my own business in Vienna, in Vienna, mind you, where I think I'm going to meet Austrians.
When someone from Kazakhstan walks up to me um, you know, munching on a chicken sandwich.
And, uh, And now look at us.
Here we are talking.
It's very cool.
This is the part of my job that I love.
I like to meet people from distant lands and create these connections.
And I think we're friends now.
Are we not friends?
Oh, yes, we are.
So, yeah, I couldn't stop.
Like, really, when I saw you, I couldn't stop.
I was really amazed to see you in Vienna.
And, yeah, I was very happy again to see you.
Well, it was very nice.
I have one question.
Oh, yeah, go ahead.
Ask me a question.
So I'm a book lover.
I love books.
I love reading.
Do you have any book advice, maybe, or what you've been reading lately?
Well, I just read this massive 1,200-page biography of Mark Twain, the American humorist.
It's not a beach read.
No.
Unless you want to use the book to shield you from the sun.
I loved it.
I actually thought it was fantastic.
But what kind of books do you like?
You have to give me what kind of thing you're interested in.
Do you like true crime?
Do you like history?
Sexy books.
Sexy books.
Sexy books.
What does that mean?
Like fanfic and, you know, like Fabio cover books.
Asiya, do you like a sexy book?
No, I've never read them, no.
I didn't know that they existed.
I'm sorry.
Alone on my island.
Do you like sexy?
You read Fabio books?
Of course, I love the sexy books.
What, Fabio books?
No, like, you know, like a supermarket smut.
Like a Fifty Shades of Grey kind of thing?
Yes, yes.
Okay.
I'm sorry, Sona broke in with her own predilections and said that she likes sexy books.
That was not me.
I like history books where sometimes sexy things happen.
Never.
I beg to differ, sir.
I beg to differ.
Some crazy stuff went down at Fort Sumter before the firing began.
But anyway, give me a clue as to what kind of book you like.
I'm into Russian literature, so into Russian classics.
Oh, guess what?
Boring.
No, no, no, not boring at all.
I just read Brothers Karamazov.
I went on a Dostoevsky jag and I just I read.
I finished Brothers Karamazov a couple of weeks ago and I I loved it.
There are parts that are a bit of a slog, because it's Dostoevsky and he had a lot of time on his hands and a lot of ink.
But I I really liked it and I liked Crime and Punishment a lot.
So do you like that?
Yeah.
I love it.
I love it.
Yeah.
Have you read The Idiot?
That's my life story.
Read it.
I'm living it.
What are you talking about?
Hey, Conan, have you read The Idiot?
Duh.
No, no, no.
That's also Dostoevsky novel.
Yes, I know.
I know.
I know The Idiot is a Dostoevsky novel.
Yes.
And I have read it.
And I'm, I just, I love Russian literature.
I think it's fascinating.
Mm-hmm.
I really do.
I also love Russian history.
Right now I'm doing a deep dive on Peter the Great and how he defeated Sweden.
Oh, nice.
See?
I think I just count myself very lucky because I can speak Russian.
See?
I read things.
Read in Russian.
Anyway, yes, I would keep reading about Russia.
There's such a fascinating history, Russia.
Fascinating people with a fascinating history.
That's true.
Yes.
And I just count myself.
Pardon me?
I'm sorry.
Go ahead.
No, I just count myself very lucky that I know Russian and I can read in Russian.
So to read Dostoevsky in Russian.
It's really a thing that I can't even explain how grateful I am actually to know Russian, to actually read them in their native language.
Also, the plays, The Seagull.
I saw a production of The Seagull in New Haven not long ago, and it was amazing.
It was great.
I mean, it all holds up.
The Cherry Orchard, it's the classics.
Read the plays as well.
Okay.
I'm sorry, we lost Sona, who's waiting for the sexy part.
Yeah.
Frankly, I am too.
The Seagull gets it on with another seagull.
All right.
Ooh, yeah.
There's a whole section where they get it on.
Yeah.
Asea...
I hope I get to visit you.
It would be really fun.
And I look forward to some of it.
The drinking small amounts of tea, horseback, eagle on my arm, maybe a leopard as well.
And, you know, horse meat, we'll talk about it.
Okay?
I don't know if I use five fingers.
I might use an ice cream scoop.
We'll talk about it.
But clearly I'm babbling now and I'm being told by my producer that I'm out of control and it's time for me to take my medication.
But it's so nice to talk to you, Asiya.
And thank you very much for coming up and saying hi to me in Vienna.
I love this kind of connection.
It's really cool.
Of course, yeah.
Really, I'm so happy to see you again and talk to you again.
And also you, Sona.
And you, I don't remember your name, sorry.
I have trouble too.
My name's Fabio.
His name's Fabio.
I'm sorry.
No, it's Matt.
It's Matt.
It's Matt.
It's Matt.
It's okay.
It's okay.
There's too many of us to know.
There's a lot of people in here.
I often forget my own name.
Yes.
Yes.
It's okay.
He's in late stages of dementia.
Well, it was nice to talk to you and I wish you well and thank you for being such a cool person.
Thank you, Quinn.
Okay.
Thank you.
Bye-bye.
Bye.
Bye.
Conan O'Brien needs a fan.
With Conan O'Brien, Sonam Ovsessian, and Matt Gourley.
Produced by me, Matt Gourley.
Executive produced by Adam Sachs, Jeff Ross, and Nick Liao.
Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino.
Take it away, Jimmy.
Supervising Producer, Aaron Blair.
Associate Talent Producer, Jennifer Samples.
Associate Producers, Sean Doherty and Lisa Byrne.
Engineering by Eduardo Perez.
Get three free months of SiriusXM when you sign up at SiriusXM.com slash Conan.
Please rate, review, and subscribe to Conan O'Brien Needs a Fan wherever fine podcasts are done.
