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Welcome to Stories Podcast.
I'm your host, Amanda Weldon.
Today's story is called Dog King.
All Bones About It, an original story written for you by Daniel Hines.
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Enjoy the episode!
Dog King.
He's the king of the dogs.
Dog King.
He's the king of the dogs.
Dog King.
He's the king of the dogs.
Dog King.
He's the king of the dogs.
His mother was a dog.
His father was a king.
So now he's Dog King.
And he's king of the dogs.
Dog King.
His bite is worse than his bark.
Dog King.
Because he bites like a shark.
Dog King.
You know he's ruling the streets.
Dog King, he won't roll over for treats.
His mother was a dog, his father was a king, so now he's Dog King, and he's King of the Dogs.
Dog King!
Today we find Dog King, King of the Dogs, sprawled on his throne, looking out at his kingdom.
It was a beautiful day, the kind of late summer, early fall combo that had the air warm, the breezes cool and the kids back in school.
Without the kids at home to chase, wrestle and sneak snacks to the dogs.
They were all bored, so it was no wonder there was a crowd hanging with Dog King and friends in the alley.
They were all lounging out, having already taken the morning tour of the city to pee on their favorite spots and check their favorite dumpsters.
Now they were just catching up and the topic of conversation was advanced to political theory in the media.
Just kidding.
It was bones.
I once had a bone from a hunter, said Dog King.
It had meat on the outside and marrow on the inside and I think I chewed that bad Larry for a year before I forgot where I buried it.
The other dogs nodded and barked in agreement.
That did sound like a good bone.
"'Oh, man!' said Rambo, the rusty brown pit bull.
"'My mom once had a steak she called a Tommy Hawk.
It had a bowl the size of your leg.
Your leg!
And it had a big hunk of steak on the end.
She got up and left it on the table, and I snatched it right off.
They grounded me for it, but oh, man, what a meal!'
The other dogs laughed.
Rambo was always getting into trouble because of food and, well, underthinking in general.
What about you, Pickles?
Asked Dog King, turning to his little chihuahua friend, sitting propped up in his pink bike basket.
So he was head-level with his doggy buddies.
Oh!
Don't get me started on bones!
Pickles said, half frantic at the best of times and all frantic in the rest of times.
I come from a long line of bone breakers.
My great-aunt Norman, dug up a bone so big that they could sleep inside it once they ate the marrow out.
They lived in that bone for years.
Was really a cozy little home if you didn't mind the drool.
There's no bone that big, sneered Rex.
He was one of many Rexes in town which seems uncreative, but think of how many people you've heard of named John right.
There is so a bone that big, Pickles said.
Just because you haven't seen it doesn't mean they don't exist.
It's not my fault you have all the imagination of a dirty sock.
Who has a dirty sock?
Rambo asked, suddenly drooling.
Bah, I say there's no bone that big, said Rex.
Well, I say there is! said Pickles.
And since I'm a handsome sweet prince and you're a stinky liar, I think I win.
The dogs laughed and Rex snarled.
Let's make a bet then.
If you can show me a bone big enough to crawl inside of, then you'll be my butler for the day, said Pickles.
Bring me drinks, hold an umbrella to keep the sun off my sensitive skin, all of it.
Fine, said Rex, but if I win, I get your bike basket.
The dogs all gasped, and Dog King leaned into his friend.
Pickles, are you really sure you want to do this?
I mean, you love that basket, and I don't know where to find a bone that big.
Oh, it's a bet, said Pickles, and the dogs went wild, howling and rolling and barking in excitement.
But where do we start?
Obviously there are no big bones around here, my little buttered biscuits, said Broadwin the Saint Bernard, who always felt very motherly toward the other pups.
I, uh, I think I know, said Cranberry the cat.
The dogs all turned, noticing her for the first time.
Where the dogs were loud and stinky and they could smell each other from a mile off.
Cranberry was so small and quiet that she was usually totally hidden, unless you knew how to spot her little ears poking up like Dog King did.
Cranberry, Dog King said, how are the nine lives treating you?
Oh, can't complain, she said, jumping effortlessly down from a ten-foot roof and landing on Brodwin's back.
You know, cats like bones too, especially the marrow.
Wait, said Pickles.
Cranberry, you said you might know where to find a giant bone?
Aw, cats are liars, said Rex.
All they know how to do is climb trees and call firemen when they get stuck.
Didn't I once help you get your head out of a fence you got stuck in? asked Dog King.
You said you wouldn't tell.
I said I wouldn't tell if you were nice, said Dog King.
Do you think you're being nice?
Rex grumbled but went quiet.
He was working on being nicer, but it was a slow road, like trying to pour frozen honey slow.
Cranberry, tell us what you saw!
Well said Cranberry, and she told a very interesting story about following her kid on a field trip and seeing quite a lot of large, large bones.
As she talked, the dogs all looked on, jaws hanging and tails wagging with wonder.
So Cranberry finished.
That's where I saw the big bones, but we need some kind of amazing plan to get it.
Can we do it? asked Annie, a fluffy chow with a beautiful bow in her fur, looking at Dog King.
Can we even try it?
Dog King thought long and hard, and then he smiled.
We can get the giant bone, he said, but we need a team.
Everyone, meet back here tomorrow morning.
Pickles, you're with me.
The dogs all cheered, whooping and barking and spinning and peeing and drooling and just making all of their favorite messes.
Dog King left them to celebrate while he and Pickles walked out of the alley and down the street.
Where are we going first?
Pickles asked.
Dog King sat down on the street and dug at an ear with his back paw.
First, we need some runners, said Dog King.
Who is the fastest, slipperiest, best keep-away runner right now?
It's always been Sneaky Pete, said Pickles.
He's a terrier, can run like the wind, jump like the wind, and fart like the wind, too.
The total package, agreed Dog King.
But he's in the pound right now for running through a soccer game and stealing the ball, said Pickles.
Of course, I'm a speed demon, but these little legs really limit my parkour ability.
Oh, but I heard Virginia Slick is back in town.
Dog King smiled and turned them down a side street.
A few blocks later, with a few stops to pee along the way, they came to a little house with a sprawling backyard.
They ducked around the side, through a loose board, and into the yard.
There they saw a sleek greyhound sleeping peacefully, her feet running even in her dreams.
Did we catch the Great Virginia Slicknapping?
Dog King said with a smile.
The greyhound snapped up and then smiled, tail wagging.
Dog King and Pickles!
My guys!
How is it going?
Going good, Slick, said Pickles.
But listen, we're working on a plan and we need some speed.
Some get up and go, some grease lightning.
You're the fastest dog around and slippery to catch.
Remember when you dirked that dog catcher so bad, his pants fell down and all the kids at the park laughed and cheered.
That's what we need.
Oh, come on, you guys, said Slick, waving a paw.
I'm retired now.
My racing days are over.
That's okay, Dog King said, shrugging his fuzzy shoulders.
If you don't want to help get the biggest bone in the world, I guess that's fine.
You're retired after all.
The Greyhound's ears perked up, tail wagging like a whip.
Biggest bone in the world, you say?
Cranberry the cat saw it, said Pickles.
And it's so big, you can crawl inside of it.
You can live in it.
Can you imagine a bone mansion?
I can invite my friends over and serve them marrow from my wall and say bon appetit.
I can get a placemat that says home sweet bone.
Slick looked at Dog King, who nodded.
He's a little excited, but he's right.
And we've got a plan, but we need some fast dogs to pull it off.
Can I trust you to lead that team?
Virginia Slick, greyhound racing champion, thought about it for a long time, and then she stood up and put a paw on Dog King's.
"'One last race,' she said, and the three all smiled."
After sharing the details, Dog King and Pickles were back on the street.
Some humans gave them weird looks, but they mostly kept to the alleys in the yards.
Okay, that's the runners down.
Who else do we need for the plan?
Maybe a cunning chihuahua with the strength of a thousand men.
Dog King laughed but nodded.
We need some muscle for sure.
I'm trying to think who the best pullers are.
I'd like a Malamute, but Yukon and his owner already went up north for their cabin.
For pulling power, for sheer coordination, we need huskies!
You ever see one of those sled teams on the TV?
Teams of dogs, pulling sleds, working in perfect harmony and flying across the snow!
Oh, it's exhilarating!
If I only had longer fur, I'd be a champion, but chihuahuas just aren't meant for the cold!
Dog King chuckled and stopped to eat an old cookie off the sidewalk.
As he crunched it down, he remembered a new family that had just moved from Canada.
Those two sisters from Canada?
They're huskies, right?
They moved in by the library?
Oh, I think so!
I haven't met them, but I know they'll love me!
They'll recognize another great puller when they see one!
Then let's go, said Dog King.
They walked to the library, stopping only so Pickles could bark at a little boy and make him drop his hot dog, which Pickles promptly snatched and ran off with.
He finished eating it by the time they found the sisters' house.
It was a big two-story on the edge of town that had woods in the back.
Dog King could see the two husky sisters lying together in the shade of the backyard.
He watched them through the chain-link fence and then called out a friendly, Hello?
The pretty huskies got up, shook themselves out, and then came over to the fence.
They looked at Pickles and then at Dog King's crooked cardboard crown.
They thought for a second and then smiled wide, their tongues lolling out.
Hey, you're Dog King and Pickles, right?
We've heard you're the best.
I'm Snow, and this is Angel.
Nice to meet you, ladies, said Pickles.
Your coats are so beautiful.
I love the white and gray and so long.
And look at your little ears, said Snow.
Aren't you just the cutest?
You have excellent taste, said Pickles.
Nice to meet you too, said Dog King.
Now no pressure, but we need something big pulled.
We'll do it, said Snow.
No question, said Angel.
Don't you want to know the details?
It could be risky.
Heck no, man, said Snow.
We just love to pull.
Amen to that, sister!
Pickle said, and they all laughed.
Dog King gave them the details, and then he and Pickles were on their way.
Well, that was easy, said Dog King.
Wonderful, ladies, said Pickles.
What's next?
We need one more group, right?
Right, said Dog King, thinking through his plan.
Next up, we need a crew of dogs who can dig.
What we need is a Jack Russell terrier, said Pickles.
I once saw a Jack Russell dig so deep, he popped out in Australia and came back chewing a kangaroo!
Hmm, a Jack Russell, said Dog King.
What about Jack?
Jack broke a paw trying to pull someone out of a storm drain!
How about Russell?
Fell down a storm drain!
Ha!
Hmm, said Dog King.
I think we'll have to get Footlong Frank.
No!
Howled Pickles, scaring some birds nearby who they both stopped to chase for a moment.
Not Footlong Frank!
He's so annoying!
He's like if a hot dog got microwaved too long and grew legs, and a bad personality!
He's the best digger in town, said Dog King.
Do you really want to lose your bet to Rex?
Pickle scowled and then held his little head up high.
I've never lost a bet, and I'm not going to start with that booger, Rex!
Let's go see, Frank.
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Dog King laughed and the pair set off to Frank's house, which was pretty close to Pickles.
When they got there, they saw a brown rump in the air with a tail wagging so fast it was a blur.
Dirt flew out from under it like it was being moved with a bulldozer.
Hello?
Frank? hollered Dog King to be heard over the digging.
Frank!
The dirt stopped flying and a little brown wiener dog popped out of the hole, smiling.
Dog King, Pickles, good to see you boys.
Hello, Frank, Dog King said.
Ah, said Pickles, looking away.
Oh, come on, Pickles, said Footlong Frank.
You aren't still mad, are you?
You got dirt all over my brand new pink collar.
Pickles shouted.
It had orange day glow stripes, and it was not washable!
I was digging, and you walked behind me.
I said I was sorry.
Ha! said Pickles, turning away again.
Dog King leaned in and nudged him.
He said it was an accident, and remember your bet with Rex.
Pickles huffed, took a deep breath, and then a look of peace spread across his snout.
Okay, Frank, I accept your apology, but on one condition.
What is it, Pickles, said Frank.
Please hurry up, because I want to get back to digging.
We need you to dig, said Dog King.
Rad, said Frank, and his tail wagged up to a blur.
Dog King and Pickles walked away smiling.
Well, said Dog King, we have our team.
Let's get that bone, said Pickles his little eyes narrowing in determination like two very serious peanuts.
The next day, a great gaggle of pups and pooches was gathered in the alley.
There was Virginia Slick, leading a crew of other speedy dogs.
There were Snow and Angel, the twin huskies, with some other big, strong dogs for pulling, like Luke the Goldendoodle and Broadwin.
And across the street, waiting in a stretch of abandoned lawn, was Footlong Frank and his crew of digging dogs, mostly terriers and the like.
Okay, everyone, Dog King said.
This is a big job, but if we pull it off we will have the biggest bone that dogs could ever dream of.
The dogs all cheered and wrestled and wriggled and rolled.
Okay, everybody knows the plan.
Runners and pullers, you're with me.
Diggers, you get to work.
Let's go.
Dog King took off down the street, leading his group of daring dogs.
I still say there's no giant bone, said Rex, walking along with the pullers.
We will see, said Pickles, riding on Broadwind's back.
See the look on your face when we get the giant bone!
The great group of dogs flowed down the street and finally came to a stop at their destination.
They were at the city museum.
It was a giant building.
The front was all glass doors and it was hung with giant signs that said now featuring dinosaur fossils from around the world.
Not that the dogs could read it.
All right, said Dog King.
Runners ready?
Roger, said Virginia Slick, doing a deep stretch with a dozen other dashing dogs at her back.
Okay, said Dog King.
Pullers ready?
Ready, said Snow, and raring to go, said Angel.
All right, Dog King said.
Slick, you're up.
All right, let's go, y'all.
Grease lightning, baby.
Slick took off like a shot, running so fast she was a blur up the museum steps and through the door.
Her other runners followed just steps behind, whippets and mastiffs and mutts barking and sliding over the museum's tile floor.
Their collars made the metal detector go beep beep, beep as they leaped over security and plunged into the museum.
We've got wild dogs! a security guard screamed, spinning to watch and falling to the ground.
Dogs! he yelled over the intercom.
The runners tore past the dinosaurs and went deeper into the museum.
All of the humans either ran out of the front door or chased after the dogs, leaving the dinosaur room empty, just like Dog King had planned.
All right, pullers, he said.
Let's go!
Snow and Angel bounded into the museum just behind Dog King, followed by Broadwin with Pickles on her back, yelling Charge.
They skidded into the now-empty dinosaur display and froze.
Butter my biscuits, breathed Broadwin.
I don't believe it, whispered Snow.
I don't believe it either, said Angel.
Sweet Georgia Brown, help! screamed Pickles.
Was I right?
Or was I right?
Just look at those bones!
The dogs were stopped in front of the biggest dinosaur in the exhibit.
It stood up on two legs, head near the ceiling, the bones arranged in a giant roar.
It was the complete skeleton of a Tyrannosaurus rex, the king of the dinosaurs.
And there, touching the ground, was a colossal leg bone.
Wow, sorry, Pickles, said Rex.
I was wrong.
Gloat later, Dog King said to Pickles before the little chihuahua could get started.
Pullers, it's time to pull like you've never pulled before.
We need to get this leg out of here.
Snow and Angel, tell us what to do.
Okay, said Snow.
See all those little ropes they're using to tie the bones together?
Everyone, grab one of those.
The dogs surged forward and everyone grabbed a rope or, if they couldn't reach, they grabbed the tail of a dog who could.
All right, everyone, called Angel, ropes wrapped around her chest like a harness.
All together now, pull.
Dog King and the others all pulled at the husky's word.
The ropes strained and the fossil trembled and groaned, but it was tied together too tight.
Sugar, it is not moving, called Broadwin.
There, said Dog King.
There's a rope stuck way up by the shoulder.
On it, said Pickles.
The other dogs kept pulling, making the T-Rex skeleton sway dangerously as Pickles leapt off Broadwin's back.
The little chihuahua landed on the bones of the T-Rex's tail.
He scampered up the swaying back and then leapt for the stuck rope.
He caught it 20 feet off the ground and hung from his teeth.
Dude, that's gnarly, shouted Luke.
Pickles growled at the rope in his mouth and wiggled himself, until all of a sudden it pulled free with a sproing.
Pickles went swinging across the room like Tarzan as the skeleton fell, little mouth held desperately onto the rope.
He screamed, losing the rope and flipping head over tail through the air.
I'm coming, buddy, Dog King said.
He took three bounding leaps and slid across the tile.
His big shaggy mouth caught pickles by the scruff just before he hit the ground.
Gotcha, said Dog King.
Pull, shouted Snow and Angel.
The skeleton was falling down around them and the giant leg bone popped free.
The dogs all hauled and the leg bones screeched across the tile floor and the last few ropes gave way with ping-pong sproing sounds.
The dogs hauled over the husky's leadership and the bones slid across the museum floor.
There's the door, shouted Snow.
Let's go.
With a burst of strength, they pulled out of the museum and into the sun.
The colossal bone, easily as long as a car and thick as a big tree, clattered behind them.
We made it out, said Rex, as they dragged the bone, bouncing and banging down the stone steps onto the street.
We are not clear yet, said Dog King.
Virginia Slick and the runners won't be able to keep them distracted for much longer.
We gotta get this bone back to the alley.
Dog King led the way back home, dragging the giant bone through back streets and backyards and through shocked crowds of people.
The giant bone scraped cars and ruined lawns and tripped kids, but finally they got it back to the empty lawn across from the alley.
And the digging team had been busy.
Incoming, Dog King yelled, seeing a giant mound of dirt at the edge of the street.
Frank, we ready?
Footlong Frank and a dozen other diggers popped out of a big hole, dirt in their fur and smiles on their faces.
Just finished, Frank said.
That was some fun digging, and one giant hole we got here.
We got a giant bone, shouted Pickles, and we gotta bury it before the people come hunting for it.
Following Dog King's careful plan, the dogs all got together and dragged the bone the last little bit.
It fell with a thump and sank into the muddy dirt at the bottom of the hole.
Just that moment, Virginia Slick and the other fast dogs came flying around the corner.
They all fell into the grass, panting hard, except Virginia, who walked up to Dog King in pickles.
Got him as long as I could, but they're pretty quick on the draw, the greyhound said.
They chased after us when they saw the bone was gone.
They'll be here any second.
Okay, everyone, Dog King shouted.
You all did great, and I know you're tired, but we've got to bury that bone or we'll lose it.
The dogs started to get up, sluggish and tired.
Come on now and move it, Rex shouted, barking loud.
Pickles was right this whole time, and now we have a bone so big you can sleep in it and we won't lose it because you lot are too lazy.
Get up and do what Dog King says.
It was so surprising coming from Rex that the dogs all listened.
They jumped up and started digging the pile of dirt back onto the bone, burying it.
From around the corner, they could hear people shouting and running.
Not long now, said Dog King, as they finally got the bone covered in dirt.
Now stamp and roll!
All the dogs started running back and forth, rolling, jumping, and just generally going wild.
They were trying to pat down all the dirt so you couldn't tell anything had been buried.
But they got a little overzealous, which is a big word.
That means way too excited.
So when the humans finally did come around the corner looking for a big stolen bone, instead they saw a group of dogs running, wriggling and wrestling all over a field.
Some were drooling, some were sleeping, some were peeing, some were sleeping and peeing, but there wasn't a single giant bone in sight.
"'Freezy dogs!' said one of the humans in a museum uniform.
"'Where's the bone?'
I told you the dogs didn't take it, said another human with a badge.
Maybe somebody sent the dogs in as a distraction, but dogs aren't smart enough to pull off this kind of job.
Someone must have loaded the bone into a van or a truck.
Let's go back to the museum and start looking.
The other human sighed but turned and followed him, looking back one last time at the wild crowd of dogs shaking his head.
As soon as they were around the corner, Dog King shouted...
They're gone!
We did it!
All the dogs erupted in cheers.
They had pulled off the biggest score of their lives and they had the biggest bone anyone had ever seen safely underground.
They agreed to leave it buried for a few months to season in the dirt.
And even more incredibly than that...
Hey, said Rex, coming up to Dog King and Pickles.
I'm sorry I doubted you, Pickles.
I'm trying to be nicer, but it doesn't come easy.
Well, said Pickles, and Dog King braced for the worst, but his little friend surprised him.
You did help pull the bone, and you got those lazy dogs moving when it was time to bury it.
I guess you aren't all bad.
So I don't have to be your butler for the day?
Oh, you're still doing that, said Pickles.
But I'll go easy on you.
All you have to do is clean my bike basket.
I got it dirty from all that terrible digging.
You got it, said Rex.
And the three of them smiled at each other.
Rex was really coming along.
With Dog King, as always, leading the way.
The End Dog King.
He's the king of the dogs Dog King.
He's the king of the dogs Dog King.
He's the king of the dogs Dog King.
He's the king of the dogs.
His mother was a dog, his father was a king, So now he's Dog King and he's king of the dogs Dog King.
His bite is worse than his bark Dog King Because he bites like a shark Dog King.
You know he's ruling the streets, Dog King.
He won't roll over for treats.
His mother was a dog.
His father was a king.
So now he's Dog King.
And he's king of the dogs.
Dog King.
Today's story, Dog King, All Bones About It, was an original story written for you by Daniel Hines.
It was edited and produced for you by Ellie Hines and performed for you by me, Amanda Weldon, with an original song by Daniel and myself.
If you would like to support Stories Podcast, you can leave us a five-star review on iTunes.
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