Hi, my name is Dennis Leary.
And I feel like I could give a fuck about being Conan O'Brien's friend, because I'm already his fucking cousin.
It's true.
It's true.
You know, first of all, we were just acquired by PBS, so I'm going to reduce, You're going to reduce the fuckage.
Yeah, back to school, ring the bell, brand new shoes, walking blues, climb the fence, books and pens.
I can tell that we are gonna be friends.
Yes, i can tell that we are gonna be friends.
Hey there, Welcome to Conan.
O'Brien Needs a Friend joined, as always, by Sonam Obsession.
Yeah.
Hi.
Matt Garley.
Hi.
And I'm going to let people have a little peek behind the scenes of how we work here.
I noticed something recently, which is we always have the interview start with the guest saying hello, my name is, and then blank.
Mm-hmm.
And I feel blank about being Conan O'Brien's friend.
And we give them a physical piece of paper.
And that's the way we've been doing it now for, is it five years?
Six years?
Almost eight.
It's over seven years.
Oh, my God.
Speeding towards the grave.
All right.
Anyway, walking hurriedly towards the grave.
Okay.
And what I noticed is that guests, not every guest, but maybe one in three... they get fidgety.
And so there's this piece of paper in front of them.
And they would do this a lot with their paper and slide it around.
And it would distract me.
I think sometimes you would hear it, Eduardo.
Yes, every now and then.
And I just started to notice there must be a better way.
And so finally...
For the first time recently.
We started, I suggested isn't there a better way where there's no physical piece of paper?
So we started putting it up on a screen over there on the wall.
So there's nothing in front of them and they can't fidget.
We try it out for the first time recently and we're doing it.
The guest says, hello, my name is blank.
And I feel blank about being Conan O'Brien's friend.
And we're off to the races.
Everything's great.
And then I start to hear...
And I'm like, what the hell?
And I look over and you, Matt Gourley, the podcast maestro, the producer, you were like you were shuffling your paper and you kept crinkling it and uncrinkling it.
And I kept looking at you and you were looking at me.
You weren't picking up on my signal.
And then I had to point at you during the interview at your paper.
And you made this oops face.
Yeah.
What were you doing?
In my defense, it was in the Kevin Nealon episode.
Yeah.
And you guys were just insane.
Yeah, that's true.
So I think I was just like disassociating, you know?
Because it was uncomfortable.
No, it wasn't uncomfortable.
I just normally don't do that kind of thing, but I was rolling the corner of my paper.
Oh my God, it was so loud.
I apologize, yeah.
Well, no, listen, apology not accepted.
Oh, then apology rescinded.
Oh.
How do I get that apology back?
Because now I'm reconsidering and I would like the apology.
You have to really show me that you want it.
Where is it stored, the apology?
At my apology safety deposit box.
Okay, I've got to get in there.
That's my new heist movie with my friends.
Me and my friends got to get into that vault and get that apology back.
Oh my God.
The worst heist movie ever.
The worst for an apology.
Yeah, I did it.
We got it.
It's all of us in some villa in France that we can't afford because we got no money.
And we're all toasting each other as I unbox the apology.
Wait, and you open it and there's nothing in there.
You just hear, I apologize, comes out and it disappears into the air.
I apologize.
Into the ether?
Yeah.
And then someone comes in and says, get out of my villa.
You don't pay anything.
You're Italian accent.
I thought they were French.
I know.
What is, was that a French?
An Italian can own a villa in France.
And in this movie, because I can't afford the really good French villa, I go to the Italian villa in France.
Asshole, Eduardo.
So the Italian villas are subpar is what you're saying.
No, this one just happens to be.
I would never generalize.
But this guy really doesn't have his shit together.
Except he's on it with the billing.
Anyway...
Um, yeah.
So I think I have to start taking paper away from you because I'm going to have other interviews.
It happened one time in hundreds, three, almost 400 interviews.
But it happened the first time that we had removed.
That was the best part.
It was the first time I had removed paper from the guest to try and stop this problem.
When I hear crinkle, crinkle, crinkle, crinkle, crinkle, crinkle.
And I'm like, who's ordering crinkle cut fries?
And I look over and there's my girl.
Also, you're not above this.
You're often doodling on your paper.
Doodling is different.
That is an artist expressing himself.
Oh, no.
You owe me an apology.
Oh, like you know about noises that come up in the... Oh, yeah, you do listen to the podcast.
Do I make a lot of ding, ding, ding noises?
No, what you do is this.
Yeah.
Yeah.
That's me.
Well, I'm very, I have a high moral standard.
But the audience wouldn't know that.
And a lot of times I'm like, I cut them all out.
That's me disapproving of the morality of the people around me.
I'm tisking them.
So I should leave those in?
No, you should take them out, but you should put them in a box and put them in a safety deposit box.
I've got one of those.
Movie ends with me and my gang at an Italian villa in Switzerland.
No, an Italian villa in Ireland.
What?
And we open up the box and all these come out.
And then a guy comes in and says, are you in the bay or your bill?
Now get out or I throw this pile of potatoes at you.
Oh.
Ireland.
Because it's Ireland.
I tied it all together.
God, he's good.
Who's talking?
Conan.
About who?
Himself.
Anyway, no more paper for you.
No more paper for me.
And I'll try not to do...
Yeah, why do you guys even need paper?
When do I do that?
When do you do it?
No, but when?
You do it usually as you're about to begin a thought.
So you go like another thing.
You always say, coming into a response to a guess, is you know it's interesting that or it's very funny that?
And then you'll go and then say something.
Yeah.
Yeah.
It's very erotic when I think about it.
It's erotic?
Do you think that's a turn on for women?
Not at all.
Really?
What define erotic?
Mm-mm yeah, what do you mean?
Yeah, what do you?
When i was single, when i was single, i used to go oh yeah, this is really good.
Oh, my god, it sounds like you're trying to love it when guys make creepy noises at them, like that really works for a lot of girls summoning a horse and that's me.
I'm in the bathroom, they're in the bedroom.
Oh, i'm just talking to the mirror.
Oh, I don't know what's happening in this scenario.
I don't know what happened.
You know what?
Why do you guys even need paper?
Like, I never have paper in front of me.
Just don't have paper.
What do you need it for?
I have to write notes.
When you were my assistant, you never had any paper.
I used to ask you to write things down and you wouldn't do it.
Yeah, but look who's not making noise.
This guy.
Will you admit that you rarely had paper when you were my assistant?
You know why I didn't have paper?
Because I was using an iPad with the writing stylus because I was trying to save paper.
You were drawing dicks and butts.
You were drawing dicks and butts with your stylus.
But I was also taking certain notes.
It wasn't all just, it wasn't all dicks and butts.
I remember the time I went over your notes.
I looked over your shoulder and you were drawing butts.
Okay.
Okay.
I think there was a reason that I was drawing butts.
Wait, remember when Gorley made a lot of noise with paper?
You know what?
You're right.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Oh, I love it.
Erotic.
Also, remember when he sneezes and blows his nose a lot?
Oh, remember when you spilled water all over the table?
That was one time.
Hey, remember when we got along and made a great podcast?
No, I don't.
I don't either.
All right.
All right.
Let's get started.
Yes.
You threw your papers on the floor.
To prove a point.
Here we go.
Here we go.
Adam gave me.
Here we go.
No, I didn't know if we were doing it, if that was a segment.
I like forgot.
Is that a segment?
Is that?
No, I'm serious.
I don't know.
My guest today is a comedian and actor.
You can now see in season two of the Fox comedy Going Dutch.
Are we related?
Are we not?
We just don't know, but you'll find out.
Leary, welcome.
I want to say one thing before we get started, which is you and I have known each other a long time.
We've hung out.
We've enjoyed each other's company.
You always go out of your way to tell me that you've been listening to the podcast and then tell me what happened on the podcast.
So some people say, I love the podcast.
And you can tell they're just reading it off their phone that I have a podcast.
But Dennis is a true blue fan and he's always going on and on about podcasts.
Two other people in the room who aren't me
Okay, all right.
This enrages me.
So listen, this is a perfect opportunity for me to say this.
I don't know what this means.
I don't really fucking listen to podcasts, okay?
But I listened to this because it was on the radio and I drive everywhere.
In Manhattan, I drive everywhere.
In Brooklyn, I drive everywhere.
So I fucking was like, oh my God, Conan has a podcast.
And once I got in now, one of my favorite things on the old TV show I can't remember which iteration
Who knows?
Call it.
When you and Sona were doing the bits.
Yes.
Okay, those film bits were fucking genius, right?
So I love those.
So once I started listening to this, I just told these guys this backstage.
I was like, listen, I like the podcast.
I like, most of the people that are on this show, I know.
I've either worked with or I've hung out with or I've known for like forever before we were famous like Ben Stiller or whoever right.
Sure, yeah.
So I'm interested, but not what really brings me in is when these two, when Corley and fucking Sona, are arguing and shitting on you.
It's some of the funniest fucking shit.
Fuck you, man.
Yeah, fuck you.
Admit it.
Maybe a little more artistic than that.
Okay.
Go suck a dick.
Hey, that's better.
It's so fucking funny.
And also it's just when you're firing back at them, that's really my favorite part.
So like when I met Sona just before, I've been here for like four hours.
Conan doesn't get here until like a minute before you start shooting.
He's too big of a star.
Yeah.
And you could hear my helicopter landing on the roof of the building.
Yeah.
Well, I thought, does it land where the pool used to be?
Why the fuck would you?
Why would you?
There was a pool when we bought this building.
There was a pool.
And I covered it right away.
He covered it up.
Why?
Because you can't go in the sun.
What about everybody else?
Sona obviously can go in the sun.
Yes, I can.
Take it away.
Take it away.
I can't go in the sun anymore at all.
I used to go in the sun all the time.
I can't.
Now I'm just, every time I go in the sun, I get a melanoma.
Okay, so it happens instantly?
Instantly.
That light here, this light, this light is going to add melanoma before the podcast is over.
This is how I know that we are related, is that... It's from the skin cats.
You are.
It's so funny because people get hung up.
You know like what's your skin color race, all that kind of stuff.
And we're not just white.
You are a deathly pallor, and I think I'm whiter than you, except.
Yes, but we're not even white.
We're like, we're into a different, it's like translucent.
You guys are ultraviolet.
Yes.
Yes.
It's like a UV form of skin.
Yes.
Yes.
It's see-through.
We emit light.
Yeah.
That's how white we are.
You're prisms.
Yeah.
People have used me in mines to get copper out.
We are literally walking lamps, okay?
Oh, here he comes.
Good, good.
Open the old text and we'll read.
I can't fucking find my phone.
Get Conan over here.
Conan, look in there.
Always keep a Conan or a Dennis by the bed.
That's so fucking funny.
Just right there in case there's an emergency.
All right, let's crack into this right away because there's a lot to talk about.
I want to say another thing about how old we are.
Yeah.
Because when he told me, I just did a gig with you.
I know how old you are.
In my mind, I think I'm like 40.
Yeah.
And then when I see somebody like you who's in my age group, I go Conan doesn't look like he's 40 anymore.
And that's what reminds me that I'm fucking almost 70.
You feel older by looking at Conan.
I provide that service for everybody, by the way.
Can I just say that?
I don't just emit light, but I will help you determine how old you are by just looking at me.
Wait, I'm just aging in your presence.
Yeah.
Oh, my God.
Yeah.
I saw Brian Kiley downstairs.
Brian Kiley has been with me recently.
From the beginning.
Those guys are downstairs.
They're working on the Oscars.
And Brian Kiley's been with me since, I think, 1993.
Yes.
Brian Kiley from Newton Mass and part of the Irish Mafia.
And he went to my Sunday school.
We had Sunday school instruction that happened, I think, on a Monday night.
It was called the Santa Call.
And we'd go out to, like, Brighton.
And we were taught by nuns once a week.
You know parents would send their kids to make sure they got proper Catholic instruction.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Sons and daughters.
And so I would get driven out there with my brothers.
And Brian Kiley was one of the kids that we used to talk to.
That's so crazy.
Yeah, and it was always about the Bruins.
Because, you know, I played hockey with him.
Yeah.
Oh, really?
You did?
Yeah, in Charlestown, of all places.
How does he play hockey?
He has no leg muscle.
So he works.
He's a guy that works out all the time and he has this incredible, you know buff torso and then two pork Slim Jims hanging off of his having off his pelvis.
Well, this is how good.
Well, we don't have to waste a lot of time talking about Kylie, but Kylie looks the same.
Yeah.
He looks literally, because he was bald when we were like 20.
Yeah.
And he was always in shape.
Yeah.
And so now.
He looks the same.
He looks exactly the same.
He's Brian Collier with glasses.
Yeah.
You know, because he's getting old.
His eyes are getting old.
He's 110 years old.
He's 110 years old.
He fought in the Korean conflict.
He did, yeah.
So we played, and he was a comic from my generation.
He's a great joke writer.
Just a great joke writer.
Why are we talking about him?
You know what?
I have the same thing when we're talking about another comic and it's not one of us.
I have an egg timer that goes off after three seconds.
Why are we talking about this person?
He's a great writer.
I may have mentioned this, but we had Gene Simmons on the late night show years and years and years ago.
And we had some sketch that he was going to be in.
And I can't remember the context, but for some reason he said okay to a lot of the different jokes.
But then there was one joke that involved him just saying and I take a like a jazzercise class with Richard Simmons, the workout guy, and he put an X through it.
And our head writer, uh, at the time said, well, you don't like that joke.
Was there a problem with it?
And he said, uh, he's welcome to mention me anytime. but I don't need to mention him.
And our writer said, well, wait a minute, do you have a beef with him or something?
He went, not at all.
But he said, no free rides.
That was the thing that haunts me.
He said this, he said, no free rides.
And what that means is, why would I mention someone else unless I'm getting something for it?
Literally another person like, hey, Gene Simmons, how are your children doing?
No free rides.
No, are they well?
No free rides.
Oh my God.
Isn't that crazy?
Well, if you can't monetize it, it is, right?
If you can't turn it into a kiss Cuisinart, what's the point?
Anyway, I want to get to the bottom of this.
I'm very impressed, by the way.
I'm going to say something nice about you now.
Oh, God.
These go nowhere, by the way.
I'm not going to say it.
Nice, nice, nice, nice.
And then you can come in with, you know, eat a dick.
I just want to say, he did...
The Comics Come Home concert I do in Boston every year for the Cam Neely Foundation, which is a charity I've been involved with.
It's a big charity you've been doing for like 20 something years.
29 years.
Next year's the 30th.
Anyways, he did it this year.
He was.
We knew it was going to be funny.
On stage, fucking band loved doing um roadrunner roadrunner yeah, which was really funny.
But he was so fucking nice to everybody including like, my baby sister backstage and and all these other people there i we went up to the vip donor dinner, which is people who really donate a shitload of fucking money to the hospital and the cause and everything and and was funny up there took all the pictures.
He was so fucking nice to everybody and then he was a complete asshole later on.
Now I know when to turn it off.
It only lasts for like nine minutes.
I'd look around, and when I'd see it was only me and Dennis or Maniscalco too, I'd just I'd be like okay, I'm going to tag out now.
Screw you guys.
He was still a dick.
Part of it, he was like, no, you were really, it was fucking nice of you to do that.
And every, and you killed.
And when you were backstage talking to my babysitter, she loves you.
And she was like, my God, Conan was so nice.
I was like, that's fucking front.
But he was nice to you for like five minutes.
Yeah.
But thank you for that.
Oh, no, no.
Well, this is the thing.
And then we'll get to the question I had for you eventually at the end.
Is it a skin cancer question?
I want you to look at something and tell me.
Because there's got to be a ridge around the edge of it.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, no.
You got to get that taken out.
So you said to me, hey, can you come do the Cam Neely thing?
And I said, yeah, I've never been able to do it before because I'm always taping.
And I said, no, this year I can do it.
So I said, yes.
I go to Boston and I'm not thinking.
And then I get to...
I'm like, okay, where am I going now?
TD Garden.
So this is an arena, okay?
And I think, oh, it's an arena.
And I get up to the stage and I peek through the curtain completely packed.
I swear to God, I think everybody in Boston was there.
And you have a moment of Jesus, Jesus Christ, look at this.
This is, I mean, an arena.
This is what people see when they're playing the last game you know in the basketball season in the championship.
This is what you're looking at.
And it was packed.
The next day, the next morning, I'm walking around Boston, like Newbury Street.
I'm over near the Hancock Tower.
I'm just running some errands.
I'm going to go hang with some of my family.
And people are just yelling out windows. great job last night.
Hey, had a lot of fun.
Like everyone in town had been to this thing.
It's really impressive what you've built because yeah, there's there's a lot of different charities, but I'm hard pressed to think of one where everybody in that city goes.
Well, listen, it's awesome.
It's really cool.
Cam Neely, you know, who played for the Boston Bruins and is a hockey Hall of Famer.
You know, he's the president of the Bruins.
He runs the team.
So it's like, You know, they respond to the cause.
Boston's such a great fucking comedy scene.
And it's still thriving there.
So the guys coming back who came out of that scene, but people like you as well who were from Boston, anybody that comes in to do it, they appreciate that.
But Cam, you know, he has turned that charity into such a big success.
And he's, you know, he's a very present guy in that city.
People love him.
They love the Bruins.
It's a hockey town.
It's a sports town.
So I think they see us within that light as well.
We're at the garden where the Celtics and the Bruins play.
Like, I saw Conan at the garden last night.
Which is so cool.
For me growing up, the idea that anybody saw me at the garden is crazy, because it sounds like I, I mean to me.
It just makes me think yeah, and I drained a three-pointer.
No, I didn't.
I fucked around.
You know, what's so funny is like because of our families.
Backstage in my dressing room and in a couple of the areas are like my sisters and my older brother and a bunch of my cousins.
Right.
And then I go and introduce Conan to my baby sister, like in the cafeteria where they're serving some food or whatever.
And then the show gets done.
And I was like, I got to go in and thank again, thank Conan because he was so fucking good.
And I go in his dressing room and there's a cousin.
I don't know if she's a cousin of mine, but she's a cousin of yours.
Yeah, cousin of mine.
Yep.
Who's in there.
Was she espousing a conspiracy theory?
If it's a cousin of mine, then probably.
Yeah.
So I walk in and he goes, hey, this is my cousin, blah, blah, blah.
Yeah.
And she's like, I just remember she went, this is my, was it her husband?
Her name's Catherine, but we call her Boo.
Okay.
And her husband is Artie?
Let's just say he's Artie.
Okay.
She's married to Artie Lang.
Okay.
Which is not going well.
Anyways, it was so funny because she was telling us some weird story about Worcester.
And she was like, this is my husband, Neil, or whatever his name is.
And he's just like a guy saying nothing in the corner.
There's no room to talk around any O'Brien or Reardon.
I know, it's so funny.
You've gotten me to what I want to talk about, which is I didn't even know this, but a number of years ago you said hey, I'm your cousin.
We're related because I think you didn't know it either.
I had no idea.
And then I, so we try to look into it.
You're from Worcester, Mass.
Yep.
All my people are from Worcester, Mass.
Yep.
My father's side of the family is from just outside Worcester.
My mother's side of the family is from Worcester.
So the Reardons are from Worcester.
The O'Briens are from towns outside, Millbury, Sturbridge.
Basically Worcester.
Basically Worcester.
And my grandfather directed traffic downtown in Worcester, and that was the job he had.
Or as we say, Worcester.
Worcester, Worcester.
And I used to go and hang out with my cousin there when I was growing up and hang out in Worcester.
And there was one thing to do, and one thing only, which is, for some reason, there was a museum of armor.
Oh yeah.
From like the 14th.
Yeah, Amma.
Museum of Amma.
And so people would say... Did you go to the Amma Museum?
Yeah, and literally what it was, it's not even that well curated.
It's horrible.
It was a big old office building that hadn't been used, that had been shut down in like 1920.
And they filled it with armor that they didn't clean.
It was just, I think some of it, most of it wasn't on a mannequin.
Yeah, it was horrible.
It was horrible.
And it looked like a hoarder's attic of armor.
And so I remember I'd be staying with my cousin and my aunt would be like, go see the armor.
Why don't you go see some armor?
That was a big highlight.
And literally like, we did that yesterday.
Do it again.
And because it's Worcester and that's what you do.
There's not a lot.
And you'd walk around and go, yep, there it is.
Now they have a minor league baseball team for the Red Sox, Polapak, which is downtown.
Used to be the Pawtucket Red Sox and they moved.
They moved to Worcester.
Yep.
And it's Polapak, nice little ballpark in downtown Worcester.
And they have a minor league hockey team.
And so things are looking up.
This is how, and the thing is, when you're from Worcester.
It only took us 150 years.
Here's the really funny thing, yeah.
The mill closed in like 1902.
Listen, let me tell you, when I was growing up and some people are still bemoaning this it was the heroin capital of New England for a while, when I was like a teenager.
Why do you think I was there?
But we were literally like, hey, we're famous for something, right?
And then, I think it's now Lowell, anyways. it's like 10 years ago, the crown, we can get it back.
And I was like, we, so now we have nothing.
So we took the capital of new England.
We don't even have that.
I think we still have the armory.
Yeah.
But, um, yeah.
And the thing is, um, Worcester, this is how Worcester centric people get.
And don't get me wrong.
I love Worcester and my whole family's there.
It's, It's a big deal and the people are lovely.
And it was a big part of my growing up because that's where I'd go see my grandparents and cousins.
So it's very near and dear to my heart.
But I will say that when you're in Worcester, everything's Worcester centric and nothing exists outside Worcester when you're there.
So I had the experience of when I got the late night show in 1993, there was all this speculation.
First of all, my own relatives were like, what the hell?
You're going to take over for Letterman?
I'd be like, yeah, I guess so.
I mean, what the hell are you talking about?
You can't take over for Letterman.
I remember my family, because everybody still lives in Worcester, and they were all like hey, do you know this guy?
And I'm like, no, I don't know this guy.
No one knew that guy.
He's taking over for Letterman?
Yeah.
And I was like, I don't know.
I don't know.
I don't know.
We'll see.
Good luck to him.
Yeah.
Look at us.
Years later, here you are covering up pools. in Hollywood.
Close that fucking pool.
Everybody inside.
Destroy it.
Fit it with cement.
So I...
I am there.
I'm in Worcester visiting my uncle, Jim Reardon.
We called him Gavin.
Wait a minute, what?
That makes perfect sense.
Yeah, his name is Gavin.
That's what we called him, Uncle Gavin.
And Uncle Gavin said to me, I know who your first guest should be.
And you know, at the time people were saying you know, when you have your talk show, you can have pretty much anyone as your first guest.
Anyone will be like, oh my God, first guest on a talk show.
And if it goes, then I'm always going to be the first guest.
So you pretty much have whoever you want.
And he went, I know who it's going to be, and this is what you got to do.
And I said, who?
And he said, Bob Cousy.
And I said, what?
And he said, Bob Cousy.
Bob Cousy, a big star out of Holy Cross College in Worcester who was a big star for the Celtics in the 1940s and 50s.
Back when people shot, He would shoot his whiter than me and he would shoot his free throws between his legs like he'd Granny style.
He would shoot them between his legs, and great player, but this is 1993, and...
By the way, he's still alive.
Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
He's 100.
And God bless you.
I'd have him now.
I'd have him now.
But as my first guest in 1993, can you imagine if I said Bob Cousy?
When I was a kid.
And I said, I don't know if it's going to work for the first.
And they're like, what are you talking about?
It's Bob Cousy.
It's Bob Cousy.
Everyone's going to go crazy.
Yeah, everyone in Worcester is going to go crazy.
He lived in what they call the nice section of Worcester, which I can't remember at that time when it was, when we were growing up.
But on Sundays, you know when your parents would drive around and look at houses that you're never going to live in after mass on Sundays?
Yeah.
Because we lived in Maine South.
We lived in an apartment in a two-and-a-half-decker, not even a three-decker.
So my father would drive us by Bob Cousy's house in the nice neighborhood.
He's like, Bob Cousy's house.
And we're like, yeah, we know.
We go by it every Sunday.
You know what I mean?
Can we go to the armory now?
He had a driving school for a while in Worcester.
What?
Yeah, a driving school.
Bob Cousy's driving school.
I want to drive like Bob Cousy.
I mean, like, what is that?
Where the fuck does he have a driving school?
This I want to ask you about because this is something you can relate to because of what you just said.
And I wasn't going to talk about this, but when you're Irish Catholic and growing up in, you know in, you're in Boston or you're in central Massachusetts, there's this whole thing of what kind of Irish are you?
My mother was, you know, had been the first in her family, like to not the first in her family, but her generation was the first in her family obviously, to go to college.
And she had really worked hard and she had become a lawyer.
And she used to sometimes talk to us about how we are not.
You know we are not, we are lace curtain Irish.
And my brothers and I would my sisters would be sitting around being like what are you talking about?
What?
And she'd say, you know, we're not triple-decker Irish.
You know, she would have- You'd come out of Worcester and become an ace carton Irish.
No, exactly.
And I'd say, mom, what are you talking about?
Just because you moved to Brookline?
Yeah, and also, I'd look in the corner, it'd be like a ham hanging on a rope.
And my brother Neil was hanging off of it like a bear in the woods.
I mean, all of our behavior.
We would have potato fights.
There was.
I mean, there was nothing about us that was at all respectable in the way that we behaved, but she was just willing it to be so.
Do you know what I mean?
It's so crazy because when I heard Lace Curt and I, when you grow up in Massachusetts, especially in our age group, like the fucking Kennedys, right.
Yeah.
This is before you know, rfk jr.
This is, like you know, when the kennedys were the kennedys right, right.
So i still remember.
Actually this is like one of my first memories as a kid growing up like i don't know why.
It's the summer of 63.
My parents couldn't afford to go back to ireland.
When they came over in in 49 and 50 they couldn't afford to go back then.
Uh, in 1963 was the first time they could afford to go, but they can only take one kid with them because that's they didn't have enough money.
So my older brother johnny, got to go and the rest of us got dispersed to other apartments as cousins.
Let's keep in mind, this is 1803.
We ate coal for breakfast.
So I remember that summer really well, because that's the summer that JFK went to Ireland.
I remember being at Logan and my mother and my father get on this plane with my brother, who I really hate now because he's going to Ireland.
And I got stuck with my Aunt Betty, who had no kids, and who gave me a Bible.
It's the summertime.
She gave me a Bible.
It was a summertime Bible.
Those are fun. charlie xcx summertime bible it's bible summer don't know why that didn't catch on she keeps flogging it and it's not catching on oh my god she took us i had to go to mass every day i had to go to mass every day and then she'd walk me over to where my sister emory was at my my cousins lucy's they were a couple blocks away where all the kids were having a blast in their yard and she was like i don't want you to get too dirty we have to go back and i'm like that was a month of the but anyways Also, that when my parents came back, which I still remember, that Kennedy was in Ireland, which was a big thing.
But then he spoke at Holy Cross that summer, at the end of the summer.
So he drove through the neighborhood with the cover on the car.
Yeah.
Unfortunate choice.
In Worcester.
Yeah.
There's nothing to worry about.
Worcester.
Yeah.
And that was like three months later when he got...
And I remember that, because I remember the nuns telling us to go home, because we went to school in the neighborhood where we lived.
So, you know, I think I was in art class, I think, that day.
We were in art class and the nuns were like, everybody go home.
We're like, what?
Because they knew the... If a nun told me to go home, I wouldn't question it for a second.
Wait a minute.
Are you sure?
Yeah.
We can't have more Catholic instruction.
Because I think we got 40 minutes left.
Sit down, Mr. O'Brien.
I just got a new Bible.
I just got my summer Bible.
I got my summertime Bible.
That summer lives in my, that was so horrible living without Betty.
Oh, my God.
She dressed me up with a tie every day in the summertime.
Oh, my God.
It was horrible.
Mass every day.
Mass every day.
I didn't know they did that.
With this stupid fucking Bible.
Did you ever question why you were chosen to go with Betty and the other ones got to go there?
Because she didn't have any kids and they felt bad later when I asked them.
They were like, we wanted her to have a kid.
But why did you have to go to Betty?
There must have been a reason.
Because I was her godchild.
Oh, there you go.
And that's a sacred bond.
Her husband was dead.
You drew the short straw.
Oh, my God.
It was so fucking horrible.
Anyways, but thank God I lived past it.
Well, she's here today.
Let's bring her out.
She's a hundred and... I'm still alone.
No, it's so funny because there's this, There's no, There's this life that I knew growing up and it's everyone's Irish.
Everybody's Irish.
Everybody's Irish and Massachusetts and so, And you know, we don't get to choose what our makeup is.
That's just what we are.
And it's so interesting to me how comedy...
I don't know.
It just felt like a cellular thing.
It didn't even feel like a choice.
It's just something.
In your family, I know from what I've heard you say before, I know in my family, this is true.
My parents were really funny.
All my aunts were really funny.
Everybody was sarcastic.
Yeah.
And so I'm sure your family was the same.
Same thing.
And really funny stories and people just laughing their asses off around the table eating some of the unhealthiest food that you can imagine.
Oh, the worst.
The worst.
Oh my God.
I keep waiting for the Surgeon General to say, you know, ham is...
Fried ham with butter actually lengthens your life because then I'd be in great shape.
I remember there was an Italian family that lived next door, the Carellis.
Their mother used to cook.
While you were out playing football or baseball or street hockey in the street in the summertime, she would come out with homemade pizza.
I mean, just unbelievable.
So my brother...
My brother and I, my brother ended up marrying an Italian girl.
My brother was like, you know, mom, Mrs. Corelli makes the best.
And she's like, I can make pasta.
I can make spaghetti.
And we were like, oh, please don't.
Right?
And so one night she made this.
I'll never forget this.
I loved her.
I loved my mother.
She just passed away this year.
She was 98.
And she was lucid right up to the end.
But she was an Irish cook.
You know what that is.
Yes, I do.
Boil it.
It's like that.
You remember Don Gavin, the comedian from Boston?
He had a great line one time.
He was like, I always eat my mother's food.
And my brother turned to me and said, this tastes like shit.
And I went, you can taste it?
That sums up Irish food, right?
Yeah.
So I remember my.
What I remember very clearly is my mom would say wanted to make.
She used to make spaghetti with meat sauce.
You know, she thought was spaghetti meat sauce.
Basically, what it was was many packages of hamburger meat that are fried up in a giant and then you put some pasta in there and there was I don't even know if there was sauce, but for years and I loved it, but I thought that that was spaghetti with meat sauce.
And so when I went to, when I finally left home, and then I'm in New York and I go to an Italian restaurant, I think I was berating a waiter.
Like, sir, there should be six hamburgers.
There should be at least three pounds of ground beef that's been fried in this.
I mean, basically I thought it was a burger.
And there's too much flavor.
What's going on here?
Why do I suddenly taste things?
Why does it taste good?
Yeah.
It was great.
And also then my brother married an Italian and there was a lot of Italians in the neighborhood.
There was Armenians in our neighborhood.
There was it was crazy.
We went to the same school for 12 years.
Right.
So you had all these different Puerto Ricans, these different kinds of food.
And every night you're eating stuff that you can't taste.
Yeah.
And then on Fridays when they have fish, it's fish sticks.
Oh, my God.
Yeah.
Yeah.
My dad putting ketchup on the pasta.
Oh, yeah.
Well, that's I mean, I mean, what?
Where do we live?
And, like you're like listen, go out the back door on the porch and look across at the porch, across the alley.
There's Puerto Rican people eating really good food.
Can we go over there?
The Corellis are right over here.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
My father ate, literally, he ate meat.
Everything he ate had to have meat.
Bacon and eggs, steak and eggs.
He smoked five packs a day.
I smoked for 52 years.
Well, I remember very clearly...
And I'm getting the talk show and doing a talk show.
It's like two years in.
It's starting to level out.
It looks like I'm going to make it.
I went to some with my girlfriend at the time, some fancy kind of resorty place in California, because I had a week.
I think I had a week off, which never happened.
And we went out and I think it was you know sort of north of San Francisco, right on you know cliffs.
And it was a very supposed to be like a very wonderful health conscious place.
And I'll never forget.
I went in the morning to get my breakfast and they had laid out this table today that I'd be delighted with fruits granola, different juices, all that kind of stuff.
And I started to get mad and I was holding my plate and I was like shaking, I was so mad.
My girlfriend was like, what's your problem?
I was like, there's no eggs, there's no bacon.
And she was like, hey, chill.
And then I went outside, I put the plate down, I walked outside and I started kicking a tree.
What?
I was so mad.
And you were like, at what age are you at that point?
I was like 32.
Oh my God.
Hey, listen, I'm with it.
Because, and keep in mind, at that time I went and got a cholesterol test and they said my cholesterol was, like you know, 350.
And I remember having this image in my head that if I stopped fast at a traffic light in my car, a cholesterol me would come crashing through my chest because I was made of fucking cholesterol.
Wow.
But it's not your fault.
That's your parents and your grandpa.
It's Ireland's fault.
But this morning, you know, my wife makes granola.
I put some berries in there.
That's what I had this morning.
But I still, when she's not looking, put six slices of ham.
Ham on a rope.
I love bacon, man.
Oh, yeah.
I love bacon.
And by the way, I love Ireland.
But...
I've got a lot of cousins there and I'm shooting a television show over there.
Yeah, I want to talk about that.
Yeah.
So it's funny because my generation, like two of my cousins, took over the family farms which are very close to each other in Killarney.
My mother and my father met in Killarney.
And so it's so interesting because healthy food, like many other things, have come to Ireland.
Ireland's doing great financially and film and television industry is booming there.
And other.
As I've grown up, Spanish food and all these other kinds of food have come into, even in Killarney.
You go into Killarney you can get French food and Spanish, which is fantastic.
I went this is not that long ago 15, 20 years ago maybe went back to Ireland with my mother and uh, we went to a restaurant in town.
A bunch of the cousins my age and their kids and my kids and it was this like really nice Spanish restaurant which I'd never been to, and they're like it's great, we get there and my uncle Dennis, who I'm named for my mom's brother, and my mom it's like 20 people at this table we go in there and we order and they I think they're ordering right and then next thing I know we're all talking everything One of my cousins comes in and he's got fish and chip bags from the fish and chip place across the street.
Like they're just dripping with grease.
Brown bags.
And I'm like this kid's going to eat and hands a bag to my mom and a bag to my Uncle Dennis, who are way down there.
So I go to my cousin Mahal.
I go, what's going on?
He goes, oh, they won't eat the Spanish food.
So, you know, they're allowed to bring in fish and chips.
I go, Ma, you... And she goes, I'm not having this stuff.
This Spanish stuff.
Yeah.
Everyone knows Spanish food is awful.
She literally... She wouldn't even eat a real Italian food she didn't like.
She was like, meat, potatoes.
I had... Also, we're like vampires when you show us a vegetable.
Right.
My... I had...
When I lived in Charlestown, my girlfriend, my wife now we had my sister Annemarie and my mom over because my mom was in Boston getting some health stuff done.
And so she steamed some salmon and some broccoli and some kind of potato dish.
And she served it.
My sister Annemarie, my mother, we're all talking and everything.
So they bite in and my sister Annemarie goes, hey, this broccoli, it's hot.
Yeah.
And so Ann Marie goes- And it's green.
And my girlfriend, Ann, goes, no, no, no.
I know, Ann.
I steamed it.
And she goes, no, no, but it's hot.
And she takes her plate and my mother's plate and goes into our kitchen in the apartment and reboils the broccoli.
Yeah.
I understand.
I understand.
I was in the same apartment where my mother literally my mother said to me one day she goes.
She was there.
When we were growing up in the seventies, my parents got the like avocado, green refrigerator and stove.
Yep.
You remember this?
Yep.
So my mother's in the kitchen of that apartment and she, she picks up an avocado and she goes now, this is an avocado, right.
This is like, this is 1985.
Yeah.
Yeah.
This is an avocado, right?
And I go, yeah.
She goes, huh?
Yeah.
Yeah.
And I go, what?
You've never seen a... No, no, I've seen avocados.
I'm just saying that's an avocado.
And I go... Spoken like someone who really is around avocados a lot.
I'm like, Ma.
I said when we were growing up, didn't you have an avocado colored?
Yeah she goes.
We had the color design and the kitchen was avocado, but I wouldn't eat those things.
She goes, they're so greasy and soft.
I'm like... and soft.
Who would describe an avocado as greasy?
And also people who eat grease.
Eat grease.
Ma, it's green.
You came from a green day.
Emerald Isle.
It ties into our whole... I remember saying this to my mother.
I can't.
My mother said this one time this kid that we grew up with, one of my best friends, a raging alcoholic, died from alcoholism very young.
And she goes, this is just a theme.
You'll recognize this one.
I go, yeah, so listen, he's coming over.
He quit drinking.
This is at her house in Worcester.
He quit drinking, so don't give him anything.
She goes, okay.
He walks in the door.
She says, hi.
We sit down.
And the next thing I know, she cracks a beer and puts it in front of him.
I go, Mo, what are you doing?
And he, of course, he's like, hey, like this.
She goes, what?
I go, he can't drink.
You can't drink.
And he goes, I know.
Yeah, I can't.
She goes, no, that's just beer.
Yeah.
Beer doesn't count.
Guinness doesn't count.
Beer doesn't count.
Right.
No, Guinness is, Guinness is like a glass of milk.
Oh, that's growing up.
It's like a loaf of bread.
Yeah.
Oh my God.
He can't be an alcoholic while he drinks his beer.
He had 35 beers.
He's okay.
He's driving a school bus in the morning.
He'll be all right.
My brother, I would be in a car or a van with my brother when we were like in our 20s.
And he'd have a cooler full of beer.
And I'd be like, you're driving and drinking beers?
He goes, yeah.
It's not like I'm drinking booze.
What is happening?
Massachusetts.
You know what's so funny?
Where are you from?
This all makes sense.
It doesn't even sound like comedy to me, because it's just you're like, we're like two fish and you're describing water.
And these two lizards over here are going water, water.
And I'm like, what are you talking about?
Of course, no one would have a hard vegetable.
You need to boil that shit until it's a paste.
And it's great.
I have to tell you like a great paste.
It's so funny.
I have Because of my algorithms on my Instagram feed on my phone.
Every day comes Up, comes Like from last night.
There was one this morning I saw.
You know...
People fighting at a hockey game in Massachusetts, right?
A kid's hockey game.
The one this morning was, you see these two guys go, oh, yeah?
Say it again.
Say it again.
It's a girl's hockey game.
You can see the girl stopping.
And then you see a woman coming.
A woman, of course.
It's Massachusetts.
And she hits the first guy.
Hey!
You shut up and leave him alone.
There's always a woman.
Every girlfriend I had that was from Massachusetts could fight.
Yeah.
The Nebraska sisters.
Oh, my God.
You did not want to mess with them.
Now, it's crazy.
These are kids hockey games?
Yeah.
Last night.
Oh, my God.
I thought you were going to say, like, fans from, like, you know, Bruins and another team.
It's Massachusetts.
A fight can break out at any time.
But you know, what's interesting is the whole culture.
There's something in the whole culture and it's in the comedy scene and everything.
It's just this.
People think of like New York is tough and you think yeah, Boston.
You can almost hear people have like gravel when they talk.
It's in their persona, it's in their language, everything is very abrasive and...
I remember we used to have in the early days of late night I would have all these Boston comics come on and some of them you know you'd have a comic on who had only been in the clubs in Boston.
And I'd be there and I'd say, all right, everybody.
And now we got a great, you know, here he comes.
And I'd throw to his brand new comic in Boston.
He's been a big, big deal in the Boston comedy scene.
Here he is.
And a guy would come out and he'd have his hat pulled down over his eyes.
And it was pure vitriol and anger.
And I remember my audience would be like, Jesus Christ.
Make that monster go away.
I know, it's so crazy.
It's so crazy.
Because they had lived in a, they had grown up in a sea of lava.
And this was their first time. out.
That's one of the most amazing.
I mean, there's a lot of great comedians over the years, from my generation, through Bill Burr's generation and even now, but that I went to college, at Emerson college with Steven Wright.
So in college, Steven was the shyest human being on the planet.
Right.
But really funny, quietly, really unbelievably funny.
And he so when he started doing standup.
That was one of the reasons I got into.
It is because somebody told me Hey, Steve Wright's doing stand-up after we graduated at a Chinese restaurant in Cambridge where there's a talent.
I was like, a Chinese restaurant in Cambridge where there's a talent?
Steven Wright?
And I went, and he was so different from Lenny Clark was hosting that show.
That's how I went.
I was going to bring up Lenny because I saw him at the Cam Neely thing.
Yeah, yeah.
Lenny Clark, just this absolute Mount Rushmore icon of Boston comics.
And I loved hanging out with him because it was like, I'm so glad he's, he's here.
He was really funny.
He's like the Fred Flintstone of Boston comics.
He literally looks like Fred Flintstone come to life.
And he talked, he's really loud.
He's a great actor too, but he's, this is the way he talks.
Yeah um, he loves you, but uh, he's.
He was hosting that show and it was a talent show and steve wright was just so he, his jokes were like haiku.
It was so, so beautifully written, but he was the only person like that.
You know everybody.
Bobcat gulfway came out of my general.
Everybody was the lab bill burr.
Um, you know everybody was sarcastic and loud and quick.
You know the crowds were tough, But Steven, to this day he's a diamond.
No, he's.
I mean, I always think if Steven's standup was always these jokes that are polished stones.
They're really precise.
Some of the most famous ones, like Small World, but I wouldn't want to paint it.
Yeah, yeah.
That's incredible.
That joke is just like, what are you talking about?
So you're coming up in that scene, and I know that you were interested.
When you're at Emerson, you're interested in comedy.
Yes.
Right?
And you started a comedy group that's, I think, still going today.
Yeah, yeah.
So the comedy workshop.
Yeah, which was me i was, so you knew this is something i'd like to do at a very early age.
Yeah, so when i was growing up my, my dad, was a mechanic by trade, but he was a great musician.
He played in irish bands and he played accordion.
Like after a wedding or uh, you know, any kind of big family event, people would come back to our apartment and eventually the house we lived in um, and my dad would play accordion, and there was always music in the house.
But my dad was my and my mom so fucking funny, so like, so funny, and so sarcastically, the moment you walked in the door from school, what the hell are you so happy, like they would start in on you yeah right, so we were all funny in response to that naturally, as you know um, and then when i was a kid, a teenager uh, I saw fucking Monty Python.
Yeah.
And, and Richard Pryor, like almost like the, the rebellious new Richard Pryor, like 1972, 73.
So I was like, and then George Carlin.
And I was like, what the fuck is this?
Monty Python just fucking made our heads explode.
Yeah.
I mean, that was crazy.
That was the new, I always, I've told Eric Idol this a million times.
That was the, For me, anyway, that was the atomic bomb blast.
That was the Oppenheimer moment of, oh, sketches don't have to end.
Like, well, and so it was.
I guess we really are the fathead family.
And then the curtain comes down.
They just blew everything up in this lovely way.
It was crazy.
They were like the Beatles.
I never, to this day, nothing has ever done that atomic thing.
Although I did prior and Carlin, especially Carlin, because he was talking like he was in the neighborhood.
He was talking about Catholic school and nuns and seven dirty words and all that stuff.
So then I was like, and then Saturday Night Live happened.
Yeah.
And that first cast, and I was like, Belushi especially, I was like, what the fuck is this?
It's still true.
At that same time in music, I was more of a Stones fan.
I don't really remember seeing the Beatles on TV and stuff, but I liked the Beatles.
But David Bowie, the first time I saw Bowie, I was like, my brother and I were like, what is this?
Which was that just music.
I was like, he's androgynous, I'm androgynous.
I remember that really clearly, you know?
You felt seen.
I felt seen for the first time.
David Bowie was singing to you.
And he was also saying, hey, Conan, you want to try this outfit on?
Yes, I do.
And yet he still seems tougher than me.
Yeah.
Oh, he beat the shit out of me, along with the Sikorsky twins, whatever their name is.
The Sikorsky twins.
No, but I, it's so...
So it's interesting to me that you see that happening.
You start this group and then you start getting up on stage.
Well, to be fair though, the group was started by me and a bunch of other friends of mine at the time.
Yeah.
Because we couldn't.
The juniors and seniors would get the acting roles rightfully so, before they graduated.
You had to wait in line.
There was a seniority system.
Everybody had to play a major lead role in a play or a musical before you left the school to get your degree, because it was acting and writing right.
So we got there.
We're like, we're never going to get on stage.
Then we found out you can get money from the student government to form a theater group.
We were all comedy nerds.
We loved SNL, which is the beginning of SNL at that time and Python, Pryor Carlin, and We all loved those shows, all those funny women on the Mary Tyler Moore show.
So a bunch of us formed the group, and it was packed with talent.
Lauren Dombrowski, who was my girlfriend at the time, ended up being one of the producers of Mad TV.
Mario Cantone was in the original group, who was as funny...
At that time, when we were 18 years old, as he is now, there were so many talented people in that era.
And then there was a couple of guys later in the comedy workshop who ended up writing on The Simpsons.
John Frank.
Yep.
I know John Frank.
He's hilarious.
And my generation, after I left the comedy workshop, then it was David Cross and Laura Keitlinger.
I mean, it was an insane amount of talent at that school.
Yeah.
And it still is.
I have to say, I'm often back there in Boston.
A lot of my siblings live around the area.
And so I find myself in Boston a lot.
And I'm always talking to people who are really sharp, really funny.
And then it turns out they're Emerson.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Emerson, there's something in the water at Emerson.
So many great people have come from there.
Well, it's the type of kids...
It's the theater kids from high school, the funny kids from high school, the best dancers, the filmmakers.
Those are the kind of kids who go to a school like Emerson.
So it's more, you're finding people more like yourself.
Like in high school, I was really funny.
I wasn't gonna make it as a hockey player, but I was really funny in the back of the class, right?
And then I was trying to make my friends laugh.
But I didn't think that that was going to turn into something.
But here we are.
You're covering up pools.
I'm your guest.
You own a building.
You own a fucking building.
I own a building.
I had nuns who told me, I have one Spanish nun, and she was right in her way.
I flunked Spanish twice in high school.
She's like, I'm just going to give you a passing grade to get you out of the building, Leary.
What?
And she was like, what are you going to do with yourself?
What's going to happen to you?
You're not going to go anywhere.
Hey, Sister Judith Kappenman, that was her name.
Sister Judith Kappenman.
No free rides.
Yeah, no free rides.
Don't mention her.
Right somewhere right now, Gene Simmons is going like, why did he mention her?
Why should she get a free ride?
She's a Catholic nun who's probably dead.
Why should she get a free ride?
Listen, she has to be dead.
She has to be dead.
She was like 90 then.
You say it like someone who hired three hit men.
She has to be dead.
I've hired the best.
Like Conan.
Seven times.
You know that that really is the same nuns and the same priest for 12 years.
There are nuns where I'm like, is she dead?
She's got to be dead, right?
She's got to be dead.
That's not a good sentence.
She has to be dead.
She has to be.
How can she still be alive?
Who survives a cop bomb like that?
We put her in a barrel with some cement blocks and we dropped her in the Mystic River.
How is she alive?
We drove her to Charlestown, threw her off the bridge.
You know what it reminds me of?
In the Godfather, the first Godfather, when Salazzo finds out that the Don is still alive.
They shot him and he goes, he's stuck.
Still alive.
It's bad news for me and worse for you if you can't make this deal, Tom.
But I always, I always, that always is like a, it's a thing in my brain.
Still alive.
Yeah.
And that's what you're, they're going to come and tell you, no, no, she's around.
She's 150.
Still alive.
Well, I'll tell you, there was one great nun there and that was the theater nun at that, at St.
Peter's.
I love a theater nun.
Yeah.
She, She put me in plays.
Yeah.
And I loved it because the hottest girls were in the plays.
And eventually, like my brother and all the jocks, were like yeah, we want to be in the plays too now and hold the girls and everything.
But she.
Hold the girls?
Yeah.
Hey, are there any good holding plays?
How much holding is there in Othello?
That's how they rank the plays.
No, because she would tell you like grab her by the bosom and by the rump and lift her up for the dance numbers, right?
I want that part!
I told my brother and those guys, they were like, what do you mean?
You get to grab?
I'm like, yeah.
Anyways, Bill Murray told me the same story.
I love a whole acting philosophy around as much grabbing as possible.
So Bill Murray said, I heard him tell the same story one time.
He was at a Catholic school and a nun made him be in a musical.
Right.
And he went in and it was the Hottest Girls.
And he was like, what is this?
Anyways, that nun, Sister Rosemary Sullivan at St.
Peter's, that wasn't a great student.
She said, listen, I took a night class at Emerson.
I have connections there.
You just audition.
You do a written essay and then you do like a live audition.
Right.
And you can get a scholarship.
And that's how I got the scholarship at Emerson.
She got me the audition.
So that's how I got into Emerson.
It changed my life.
And I stayed friends with her till she died.
She followed my career.
She was a great nun.
But there was a lot of nuns that I literally still think like, is she alive?
Is she out there?
Because they were so fucking mean.
They were just like a cult. of angry fucking women who just hated fucking kids.
Okay, that's all the time we have.
And they could hit you.
They could hit you.
This microphone isn't working.
I can't even.
He's afraid of the Catholic Church.
He's still afraid.
He's still afraid.
You're still scared.
I'm terrified.
The nuns at the Cynical when they wear the habit.
I mean, the thing is, you have to remember, there's the habit which is black.
It's scary.
It's like, you know, it's a Marvel Universe villain.
No, no, no.
They were literally villains.
Like this girl, you weren't allowed to have pierced ears.
And this girl showed up with pierced ears right at the beginning of after the summer.
And we were, you know, you're changing classes.
You're all in the hallway.
And we heard this scream.
And this nun had torn this girl's earrings out of her ear so she's bleeding, oh my god, yeah.
And threw the things down and gave her detention.
We're like it's crazy.
They used to grab the girls and hit them on the back of the legs and grab them and measure their skirts.
But they could hit you and like when you went home and said ma, i got hit by sister judith catman, what'd you do?
What'd you do?
Yeah, what'd you do?
What did you do?
I'm sure you had it coming, which most of the time I did have it coming.
But I'm just saying, they didn't fuck.
They fucking hit you.
Sometimes they hit you just because they could.
But to be fair, your skirt was the proper length.
I got to make sure I mention this show Going Dutch, which you've been working on.
In my defense, I was wearing the skirt because David Bowie was so fucking good.
He was huge.
And I had a crush on this girl, Conan.
Yes.
Going Dutch.
You know, I just, because one of the writers who's helping me out, Skyler, is a fantastic writer and he's been working for you.
And he worked on the show and I said, how is it?
And he said, oh, it's in Ireland.
And I said, you're shooting it in Ireland, which is not where the show takes place.
No.
But it is It's fascinating to me that, yeah, that's where so much production is done now.
Yeah.
Well, we're shooting there because the show is set.
It's based on a real army base that was in the Netherlands that got shut down.
It's a funny idea, yeah.
Because of black market, you know, drugs are legal, sex is legal, prostitution is legal.
You've been sent to the least necessary base.
Now that base in real life is closed down.
Right.
So we're telling the story, our military advisor was at that base.
But Ireland matches the Netherlands in terms of landscape, right?
And we have villages where we can shoot.
So we shot it in Ireland, so we didn't have to deal with the military or anybody in Amsterdam in terms of what we were going to do.
But my son developed that project, and he's the executive producer.
So it's the first time I'm like, my son is my boss.
Which is bizarre.
What is that like, your son telling you, let's try it again?
It's interesting because we do a lot of improv, right?
It's great writing and the showrunner is on set, Joel Church Cooper.
He's the guy that did Brockmire with Hank Azaria.
He's a brilliant writer.
And some of the writers are on set and their pages are great.
So we do the pages, but then we always improvise from that And sometimes he comes in in the morning and goes forget the pages.
I changed my mind.
Or we come in and go, hey, what if we did?
So there's a lot of improvisation.
So my son has a great sense of humor and I trust him.
He developed the material with Joel.
He'll just come in like anybody else and go, dad, that sucked.
Um, you guys were great.
Dennis, you were terrible.
Let's do something else.
You try something else.
You guys do what you were doing.
Or he'll come in and go, Hey, Dennis, that was funny.
Um, you guys, that was great.
So it's like, I'm just another guy on the set.
I happen to, you know, and, and he's, you see my son, he's huge.
He was, he was backstage.
Yeah.
He produces the, he produces the, the, uh, concert.
Yeah.
He was backstage at the.
It's funny.
Cause I have to, I've been looking up to him since he was like 14.
But he's 6'7", my son.
So it's like when he goes like, hey, that wasn't very funny, Dennis.
I'm like, okay, Jack.
But he's got a great sense of humor.
My son is really funny.
You know.
When I met him, he put his plate on top of your head.
Yeah, he did.
It's so funny because... He's having a beautiful Caesar salad.
Because my son's name is Jack and he's 6'7".
And Cam Neely's son is also named Jack and he's like 6'6".
So the two of us are like, you know, looking up at them.
I think we have a psychological advantage, but neither one of us wants to find out.
If we would actually win in a fight.
Don't get into that.
Not getting into that.
Listen, I wish we could do this all day, because this is not.
You know, I always say about the podcast this is not work.
I don't know what this is, but it is not work.
And then there are days, like today, where it's just I mean, you and I can finish each other's.
So I dedicate this episode to the Leary's in Worcester, the Reardon's in Worcester O'Brien, scattered all around Massachusetts.
Oh, like a disease.
Oh, Leary's.
We found out when we were at Commerce Come Home because one of my sisters was there.
Like, I think we chased it down.
Somebody chased it down to a Reardon or a daily.
There was a daily in your on your.
I don't know.
I've never quite figured out what our connection is.
I mean, we're all related somehow.
Your mother was a Reardon, right?
We all come from that same green rock.
We all look the same.
You guys look alike.
I know.
Look, my legs start here.
But I think it was that there's Daley's, Reardon's on your mother's side, right?
Yeah, so I think there's dailies in the Reardon side and those dailies came out of Cork, which is where the Leary's were, and went into Kerry and one of them ended up in Killarney.
So that's where I think it all connects up.
So that daily was involved.
But some people think oh, so you and Dennis used to see each other at Christmas and stuff growing up.
It's like, no.
We didn't find out.
We're cousins the way Sona and I are cousins.
Yeah.
Huh.
I'm, please.
I know.
I'm so Armo.
You are not at all.
You have no idea.
Not a fiber.
Well, listen.
Let me just tell you something about purebreds like us.
Tell me.
We can't go out in the sun.
And don't put too much spice in the spaghetti.
Don't put any.
You know what?
Let us boil it.
We'll take care of it.
And we don't have drinking problems.
No, we don't.
We do not.
You just drink lots of beer.
Well, listen, beer is non-alcoholic.
Non-alcoholic.
There's no alcohol in beer.
There's no alcohol in beer.
Or Guinness.
Jesus.
What's wrong with these people?
You got to come back because this was really fun.
And this is like, hey, watch the language.
I'm trying to reach children.
I didn't say motherfucker one fucking time.
You know what?
God bless you.
And I didn't say cocksucker.
Somewhere some dead nuns are very proud of you.
Murdered nuns.
Yeah, ones that started their car at the wrong time.
They're climbing out of the coffins as we speak.
There's no way she's alive!
Not after what I've done!
She can't be alive!
All right, Dennis, go with God.
We'll see you later.
That was awesome.
Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend with Conan O'Brien, Sonam Ovsessian, and Matt Gourley.
Produced by me, Matt Gourley.
Executive produced by Adam Sachs, Jeff Ross, and Nick Liao.
Theme song by The White Stripes.
Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino.
Take it away, Jimmy.
Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair, and our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples.
Engineering and mixing by Eduardo Perez and Brendan Burns.
Additional production support by Mars Melnick.
Talent booking by Paula Davis, Gina Batista, and Brit Kahn.
You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts and you might find your review read on a future episode.
Got a question for Conan?
Call the Team Coco hotline at And if you haven't already, please subscribe to.
Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend wherever fine podcasts are downloaded.
