Hello. Welcome to or welcome back to Trying Not to Care.
I first want to say thank you so much for your support with me moving to my new house.
The past two weeks have been crazy.
My house is still nowhere near put together.
The only two rooms that are semi -functional right now are my living room because we just painted it and my bedroom.
Every other room needs to be painted.
I need to put wallpaper up.
There's furniture everywhere.
Nothing's organized.
I mean, my bed is off the floor right now.
We're no longer sitting sitting on a mattress on the floor but my room does still need to be painted decorated it's just not where it needs to be so bear with me if you watch my podcast clips on social media every week I'm going to be in a new spot recording because I never know where to record so I'm just trying to set your expectations don't expect a cute podcast set up for a while because my office and my studio are out of commission there's furniture piled up in there it's going to be a a while until we see her.
But thank you for sticking with me.
Thank you for hanging out with me today and listening to today's episode.
Today, I want to talk about centering what you want, not what you don't.
Really shifting your focus from negativity to positivity because I noticed in my own life and in the way that I speak, I focus a lot on things that bother me or things things that I don't want to happen or things that I don't like and it just hasn't been productive for me mentally or for my goals or for anything really.
It's difficult to get what you want if all of your attention is going towards what you don't want and the thing is so many of us think that what we don't want and what we do want are interchangeable, but they're two very different things and it's important that we're intentional with how we speak and where our attention goes if we do want things to get better in our lives and if we do want to reach our goals.
So with that being said, let's get into today's episode.
I hope you love it.
Something that a lot of people do, even I'm guilty of this and I'm trying really hard to break this habit, is announcing your distaste for things or your dislike for things or for people.
Speaking a lot lot about what you don't like or what you don't want rather than speaking about the people that you do like or the things that you do enjoy I think this is really heightened on social media especially TikTok it's really common for people to post these like think pieces about people or music or just things that they don't like because unfortunately negativity does bring engagement it does make people flock because negativity is something that people can connect with but the The thing is if you center yourself around something you're going to bring more of it whether it's good or bad.
So if you're centering yourself around things that you don't like or people that you don't like or just things that you hate so much even though you say you don't want that in your life and you don't want to hear that music anymore you don't want to hear people talking about this artist anymore if you're speaking about that person or that thing even Even if it's in a negative way and you're saying I don't want that you're just going to bring more of it.
For example if you post a video saying I don't like Taylor Swift. I don't think she's a good artist. I don't get why people like her.
She's so overrated.
Can we please stop talking about Taylor Swift?
Obviously you're going to get people like me who do like Taylor Swift in your comments and they're going to defend her.
So that alone is going to give you more of her.
You're going to get more people talking about her.
But even if you get people commenting saying that they agree with you and they don't like her, you're still revolving yourself around Taylor Swift. You're still centering yourself around her and bringing more of her.
You might be talking about how much you don't like her, but you're still talking about her.
Or let's say that you're going through a friendship breakup and this friend hurt you so bad and you just hate them so much. And And you don't want to think about them anymore.
And you just want them out of your life.
Although you're saying, I want this person out of my life, you're still talking about them, which means they're still in your life.
You're still thinking about them.
So although you're announcing, I don't want this, you're still attracting it.
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But the same thing goes for centering yourself around things that you do want and things that you do like.
If you were to go and post a video saying, I love Ariana Grande.
I want more friends who listen to Ariana Grande.
You're going to attract those people who agree with you.
Yeah, you might get people disagreeing with you.
But the focus is still on Ariana Grande, which is what you want, what you speak about, you bring about.
Your words and your thoughts shape your reality.
Whatever you're focusing on, good or bad, you will see more of in your everyday life.
The more that you think about something, the more that you talk about something, the more more present it will become in your life.
There's this thing called neuroplasticity, which basically means your brain strengthens pathways in your mind that you use the most. Like an easy way to think about this or to understand this is imagine in your mind or your brain, there's a bunch of roads.
And every time you think about something or you do something, you're walking that road.
The more that you walk that road, the more automatic it becomes in your life for example riding a bike as a kid the first time you get on a bike you're like I have no idea how to do this but the more times you get on it and you practice it your brain is building a stronger bike path in your mind you do it so many times you practice it so many times that it becomes automatic and you don't have to think about it so much because it's like built into you so now as an adult you can get on a bike even though you haven't been on one in 15 years and know how to ride one without even really thinking about it
because you have a bike path cemented in your mind the same thing happens with your thoughts and your words the more that you think about something or the more that you talk about something the more your brain is working on that path until it becomes automatic if you're always thinking negatively your brain gets better at being negative and it starts to look for the the negative in pretty much everything back in 2020 2021 when I was working at my old job I was constantly being negative and just in a bad mood and I couldn't shake myself out of it it felt like I was just wired that way and I look back
at that time and it's because I did wire my brain that way I would wake up in the morning and as soon as I opened my eyes I'd be pissed off that I had to go into work and my mind immediately would be like the house is a mess unless there's going to be so much traffic.
Work's going to be so hard today and then I'd drive to work and be pissed that someone was driving slow and then I'd get to work and I'd be pissed that my co -workers weren't helping me and then I'd go home and be pissed that I had to cook dinner and then I'd only have a few more hours until bed and then I'd be pissed that I had to go to sleep and do all of that all over again.
This episode is sponsored by Graza.
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I literally programmed myself to only look for negative things or things that I didn't like.
And that's why I couldn't shake shake myself out of it because that's all my focus was on.
And I was aware of that.
I knew that I was being negative.
I would say I wish I wasn't so upset.
I wish I wasn't in such a bad mood.
I wish things didn't piss me off so easily.
But the thing is, our brains strengthen whatever you repeat and our brains don't process negatives clearly.
So if I'm saying I don't want to be be upset, my brain's not registering that I'm saying don't.
It's just hearing be upset.
For example, think about something that you don't want or you know what, just say out loud, I don't want pizza.
When you say that, the first thing that appears in your mind is pizza.
Even though you're saying I don't want pizza, you're still thinking about pizza.
Your brain visualizes the idea before four it processes the don't so if I say I don't want to be upset my brain just hears upset and it looks for reasons to be upset if you say I don't want to fail your brain isn't processing the don't and it's sounding the alarms at fail it's trying to reinforce the concept of failure so it's looking for evidence in the past where you failed or it's looking for things now that That you can do to fail.
It's strengthening the concept of failure rather than success.
Even though you clearly want success.
You're saying I don't want to fail.
But you're not being clear enough about what you actually want.
The focus is on failure.
So that's the path that your brain is trying to create.
The more that you think a certain thought.
Or the more that you speak about a certain thing.
The stronger the mental connection gets.
You're literally training your brain to default to it.
So if you're regularly thinking about something good or bad.
you're training your brain to automatically think more of it I do want to be clear though when I'm saying this that if you're someone who struggles with like OCD and you have intrusive thoughts and things like that I'm not talking about that I don't want you to think that you're responsible for the thoughts that you have sometimes there are thoughts that you just simply cannot control I'm speaking more of in like an overthinking way not intrusive thoughts and also just because you you have negative thoughts, or you're overthinking a lot and you feel like you're spiraling out of control, it doesn't
mean you're doomed.
Just because you build a road in your mind or a pathway in your mind doesn't mean that it's permanent and it doesn't mean that you can't build new ones.
With neuroplasticity, you can rewire your brain.
That's why it's literally called neuroplasticity because like plastic, it can be molded and shifted and changed.
In the same way that you've built pathways off negativity you can do the same thing with positivity if you're constantly in a bad mood and you find yourself saying i don't want to be upset change your wording to i want to be happy i want to have fun i want to feel peace and i know that sounds silly and it seems like it's not going to do much and i know that it's so annoying when people are like just think positive thoughts.
But just making that small shift can help rewire your brain and the way that you think and the way that you act and the way that you feel because now your brain is focusing on what you want rather than what you don't want.
If you find yourself saying, I don't want a boyfriend who cheats on me, change your wording to, I want a boyfriend who is loyal.
I want a boyfriend who is all about me making that small little change is going to eventually make that thought stick and make you focus on people who are loyal and people who are all about you that's going to be the focus rather than cheating that's what you're going to care more about and what you're going to looking for when dating new people I saw this video on tick tock from the user aspiring alchemist and his example was a really good one for how our brain processes information but can't cancel out the negative so when you're saying I don't want this it doesn't hear the don't and just focuses
on the thing that you don't want imagine you go to a restaurant and when you go to order instead of saying what you want you say I just don't want tacos just don't bring me tacos and then the waitress goes off takes other orders it's really busy and they're like oh shoot what what did that person say they wanted?
Tacos? I think they wanted tacos, so they bring you tacos.
You got exactly what you said you didn't want because you weren't specific with what you actually wanted.
Whereas if you said, I want pizza, that waitress would have heard pizza and brought you pizza.
Our brains work the exact same way.
When you say, I don't want tacos, your brain immediately thinks of tacos and doesn't process the don't right away.
Be intentional with your words because you might just get what you're talking about good or bad I mean wouldn't you rather be given what you do actually want and what you do actually like the more that you focus on what you actually want the more likely you will get it if you're constantly talking about your goals like buying a house or starting a business or making more money you're more likely to be focused on things that will bring that closer to you and you'll align yourself more with what you need to do to get those things instead of thinking and worrying about how nothing's going to work
out for you. Being centered with your goals and being centered with what you want is going to bring you a lot closer than thinking about the things that you don't want or things that you don't want to happen or all the reasons why you're going to fail.
The feeling of not wanting something or not liking something or being afraid of something can be a very intense feeling.
It can really take over which is part of the reason why we focus so much on it rather than focusing on what we do actually want or what we do actually like.
I mean I'm even guilty of it.
You've heard me so many times say this.
I mean there's even a clip on TikTok and Instagram that went viral of me saying I don't want friends who make me feel lonely.
I'm guilty of putting so much focus on what I don't want because I really don't want those things.
I really don't want to feel that way.
You know I've have said i don't want friends who make me question if we're actually friends and it's like i've said that so many times because the feeling of being around people that make me question that is so strong it's so isolating it's so lonely and i don't want to feel that way but my focus is on the problem rather than the solution the solution being finding friends who make me feel seen who who make me feel supported, friends who I feel good around?
There is a problem and there is a solution, a good outcome and a bad one, but we just tend to focus so much more on the bad one.
Like let's say that you have a presentation tomorrow and you think that there's only two outcomes.
We obviously know there's actually so many more outcomes like anything can happen, but in your mind you're like I'm either failing or I'm succeeding.
eating. Both outcomes are possible, but when you think about both, the possibility of failing heightens your emotions much more.
So you're paying more attention to that happening rather than the possibility of things going really well for you.
So now all you can think about is I'm going to fail.
It's not going to work out.
It's going to go so badly.
Everyone's going to laugh at me, which ends up affecting your performance because you have so much anxiety and you're you're spending so much less time preparing and more time worrying.
Whereas if you focus on succeeding and you kept thinking about how good it's going to go and how good you're going to feel afterwards, you would feel so much more motivated to prepare and you would go up and give your presentation much more confidently.
We tend to fixate so much on the problem rather than the a solution like a common thing that people do when someone asks them what do you want is they'll respond and say what they don't want because they're focusing so much on not having that thing instead of saying I would like to be financially stable they might say I don't want to be poor or when you're sick and someone says what do you want instead of saying I want to get better I want chicken noodle soup I want to sleep you might say I don't want to be sick anymore I don't want want to throw up i don't want to have a headache anymore and you're
so focused on all the problems and things that could help you get better this is something that so many of us struggle with it's like we're programmed to think about what we don't want rather than what we do want and we think they're the same thing we think when we're saying i don't want this it's the same thing as saying what we do want because with context it's implied like i don't want to be sick anymore more someone hearing that would register oh they want to feel good but like i said our brains don't register that and you can't rely on everyone to just know what you want what you want and what you
don't want are two very different things and bring very different results so you need to be intentional with your words and where your focus is the last thing that i want to talk about before i close out this episode is it goes back to what i was talking about at the beginning and that is is just to stop talking about things or people that you don't want or that you don't like or that you don't get.
De -center things that don't make you feel good.
De -center things that derail your progress.
De -center things that trigger you.
Stop focusing on them.
Stop talking about them.
Don't pay attention to it.
Stop making it a thing.
The more that you talk about something or the more that you think about something the more power you give to it.
It's like adding fuel to the fire and And I know that venting and talking about how you feel feels like a release sometimes and you think that it's going to make you feel better.
It's not. It's going to keep you in this loop of thinking about this thing and talking about this thing and making it a thing in your life and it doesn't have to be.
It's like someone who wants to fight with you, who's poking at you and calling you names and trying to provoke you.
They want you to engage with them.
They want you to get upset.
They want you to yell.
they want you to give them attention because it gives them more power them seeing you get mad get upset and give them your attention makes them feel important and you might want to fight back and defend yourself but at the end of the day all it does is inflate their ego and take away your peace you're giving them so much of your time and energy and attention when that could be going towards something so much more productive and and good for you.
When you take away your attention from something or someone, you take away its power.
The less you think about it, the less you talk about it, the less it has over you.
When I've gone through friendship breakups or romantic breakups, I took them really hard because I cared a lot, obviously, but I would just fixate on it.
I would spend so much time thinking about what they did wrong, what I did wrong, how can I fix it, how could they do this to me, should I say something just spiraling over something that's already happened and it would affect my mental health so much it would literally drain me and I was thinking about it non -stop I was talking about it to anyone who would listen and it just wasn't productive but once I let go and I stopped centering my whole day around that person or those people or this thing that happened and I focused more on my life right now and the people in my life right now and the things
that I enjoy right now, the things that didn't work out or the relationships that didn't work out stopped having so much power over me.
And eventually, you know, it took time, but eventually I was able to move on from them because I wasn't so emotionally attached to anymore.
Sometimes you You just have to say it's not that deep and keep it moving if something's no longer serving you or doesn't align with you.
You need to stop making it a thing and stop giving so much of your attention to it and start giving your attention to what you actually want and what you actually care about.
Your words, your thoughts, and your focus really do have such an impact on your world.
And obviously there are so many factors that play a part and are out of our control.
But I do think that there are some things that we do have control over.
And I think being intentional about what we want and how we want our life to look is just so important.
So I hope today's episode encourages you to start talking about what you do want, talk more passionately about the things that you love, the people that you love, and start putting energy into things that actually make you happy and make you feel good.
If you liked today's episode, if it resonated with you at all, I'd love if you shared it with a friend who you think needs to hear this post it on your story you know just DM me and let me know your thoughts if you're listening on Spotify you can leave a comment and if you're not following me already on social media check out my Instagram and TikTok I've been posting a lot about my house and the moving process I'm going to be posting a lot about renovating we're not really renovating that much we're just painting wallpapering buying furniture things like that but if you're interested in that and you
want to see that check out my socials I also post podcast clips I post podcast audios I post mental health things I don't know I try to make my social media a safe space and just like a feel -good space so if you like that kind of thing my Instagram my TikTok my YouTube are in the show notes that's everything for today I hope you loved it if you you did let me know i love you thank you for listening i will talk to you next monday i'll see you then love you bye
