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From NPR. Hey y'all, it's MaryL.
Hmm, is that you casual? Let me try that again.
Hello there, fine people. Good day to you.
How does the morning find you?
There we go. Is that a better etiquette for a greeting?
People really think that etiquette's about just dining or being snotty or, you know,
and being pretentious.
But I love to kind of retrain people that etiquette is just about kindness and about
thinking about other people first and respect at the end of the day.
That's modern etiquette expert, Micah Meyer.
She's the founder of Beaumont etiquette where she teaches courses
and everything from business and social etiquette to public speaking and afternoon tea.
So the way that we do things, the way that we present ourselves,
we get dressed in the morning for work or for a social event.
And of course it's to, you know, to make us feel good,
but it's also to show respect to the person.
So we're not just rolling out of bed to go meet that person.
etiquette, that is the topic of this edition of Dear Life Kit,
the series from reporter Andy Tagle where we answer listener questions.
In particular, we're talking about wedding etiquette because we're coming up on that fun
but confusing time of year wedding season.
Today on the show, Andy asks Micah some of your thorny wedding questions
and gets some surprising answers.
It's actually the arrival time is 30 minutes ahead. Is that a thing?
Yeah, so 20 to 30 minutes is the time you should be there.
Yeah, so that's the correct etiquette.
That's coming up on Dear Life Kit.
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Today we're talking about weddings and wedding etiquette specifically.
I would love to know, if you have any stories for us or any favorite things,
do you ever go to a wedding where you see something or you see someone and you're like,
oh, that's next level. That's a really special touch.
They really went above and beyond like that is class right there.
I have been to some amazing, amazing weddings.
And the ones that I think I've enjoyed most are the ones that are so thoughtful.
My friend Robert Fowler, he had written personal handwritten notes to every single attendee
about what he loved about them and in our friendship and why it was so special that we were there.
It was like a thank you card for coming and it wasn't just a generic, everyone got the same one.
And it must have taken him ages, but it was so sweet and so thoughtful.
I just thought that was a wow moment.
That is impressive. Yes.
I love that.
Well, Micah, I am feeling warmed up and fully in the wedding spirit.
I would love it if you would do me the honor of being my plus one for these dear life kit wedding questions.
I would love to. Thank you so much for inviting me.
All right. Here is your first one. Let's do it.
Dear life kit, my friend revealed to me that each plate at her wedding costs $500.
My boyfriend and I have been together for five months and she generously gave me a plus one.
Is it true that you should give a gift equal to what the couple spent on you?
In this case, $1000. I was thinking of getting her gift in the $500 range and asking my boyfriend
to pay a third of it. So two questions. Is that enough of a gift for her?
And is it rude to ask my boyfriend to cover part of the present?
Signed cheap date.
Okay. So part one, that is kind of an old tale that you have to spend what the couple spent on you.
Because that's often not possible for many people and it's just not true. It's false.
You know, at the end of the day, you need to stay within your budget.
But interestingly, in 2024, in America, the average person spends $120 on a wedding gift.
And then $200 is the average spend for a closer family or friend, depending on how close you are
with the couple. Okay. So if you were to spend $500, that would be a very generous gift.
And I'm sure it'd be very appreciated. But that would be considered on the generous side.
Super interesting. But I want to back up a little bit because I think it's interesting that this friend
mentioned this. Is it weird that the friend shared this information to begin with?
Technically, it's not correct to etiquette to tell somebody what you're spending on them.
So I would advise a couple getting married never to share what they're spending on their
guests because it could also make their guests feel guilty. It would make their guests feel like
they're not giving enough. So that's not really information that you share with people.
I think the second part of this, you know, she asks if she should let her date chip in.
And my answer to that is no. So I do not think it's fair. I think you are the guest.
And therefore you're you're bringing a plus one. That plus one person really shouldn't be spending
anything, you know, toward the gift or, you know, even the hotel. That all should be your
responsibility. Regardless of your gender, if you're the one being invited, then the plus one is
just your guest. That's just the person accompanying you so you're not alone at a wedding.
So I would say do not ask for a chip in. Just lower the amount to something that you're more
comfortable with. And that would be the better play in my book. Another question here is do you
always need to bring a gift or send a gift when you're invited to a wedding? So you should always
bring a gift unless it's a destination. Then you would send the gift back to their home. So they
don't they're not stuck bringing that gift back from an island or something. But you should always
send a gift. One of my favorite gifts I got and my wedding was actually my meat of honor had the
place where my husband and I met turned into a watercolor painting. And that's my favorite wedding
gift. So I think it is less about money and more about thought. What you think that person would
love or that couple. It could be an experience. It could be, you know, anything like that that
doesn't necessarily have a monetary value as well. Gotcha. Just to round it out on the plus one
side of this, what is required of a plus one when you come to the wedding? Is it just if you're
bringing a plus one, the plus one gets to have fun. The plus one really their job is just to be
there and have fun and support you as the person invited. It's your responsibility to tell that
person what the dress code is and just let them know timings. They really have no responsibility
other than to show up on time, dressed ready to go and have fun. All right, here's question number two.
Dear life kid, my husband and I are planning our wedding reception. We're both from a
traditional Asian background where parents typically help with organizing and planning.
My family is simple and likes low key celebrations. My husband's family, however, has spent years
dreaming about his big fat wedding. But they haven't taken any initiative in the planning. When asked,
they say they don't have any specific expectations, but I'm afraid they'll express his appointment
after the event. What's even more frustrating is that instead of encouraging his parents to voice
their opinion, my husband says he doesn't want to be caught in the middle and that the parents should
pick her out. Signed, burned out bride. First off, strictly from an etiquette standpoint, I want to
know, should one family or another be in charge of the wedding or is that old school? That's old school.
So that is no longer considered modern etiquette. So traditionally, and I'm talking, you know,
generations ago, the father would give away the bride, would pay for the wedding. That has not been
the case for now for decades. Nowadays, often couples pay for the weddings themselves. And if a
family wants to contribute or can contribute, then they tell the couple what that is, whether it's
financial, what if it, you know, maybe it's supplying flowers or paying for the rehearsal dinner
or decorating. So there's all sorts of different elements here that plan to modern weddings today.
I should add that the caveat there is it can be cultural. I'm talking more general wedding etiquette
in America today, but different religions, different cultures do come into play. So you, you know,
you do want to take that into consideration and every situation and every family could be different.
In this case, it sounds like everyone is trying to be polite, which is nice, you know? No one's
trying to step on each other's toes, but also no one's being upfront about what they actually want,
which is frustrating and it's hard to get things done that way. Mike, do you have any thoughts for
us on how to be polite and direct here? How to get things done? So I think in this case, the couple
should sit down with both the parents and if one, you know, couple's parents are somewhere else,
have a good Zoom session and say, here's what we're planning. Here are the events. Here's how it would
play out. We'd love your input. What do you think would make this a more fulfilling day for everybody?
But do you have any ideas? We want this to be wonderful and in a family union. So we'd love to hear
from you what you think and give them the floor. And if they don't contribute their thoughts, their advice,
you know, or whatever it might be, then I think you've done your job. You've asked the questions,
you've included them. You can't force people. You can lead the horse to water, but you can't make
a drink. So I think if you've done everything, then I think you've been a very respectful bride
in this situation. Okay, you can lead the horse to water, but you can't get them to plan your wedding.
That's right. One thing that makes wedding so complicated is all the clashing opinions, right?
What's the rule on this? Is it should whoever is getting married always gets the last word,
or is it whoever is footing the bill? Oh, well, I think, you know, if a family is contributing
greatly or all of the bill, I think they do have some sex. You have to be careful about that,
you know, I had a friend recently who the parents were paying for the entire wedding, but they were
then saying, and we're inviting all of our friends, and it became not so much her day and more
their day, but they were the ones, you know, planning everything. So I think if they are footing the
bill, they do have some say, in my personal opinion, that being said, you might want to
have those expectations and those conversations upfront. You know, weddings are about combining
families. It is about a union. So I think it is important to think about families and what's best
for them, but it's your day. At the end of the day, it is your day. So you might have to speak up
and say something in a very nice way, play way, that maybe that's not the vision, or it's getting
too big and you want it to be intimate. I think you have to be open and honest in your communication,
but in a not hurtful way. Not easy. Not easy. All right. Ready for question three? Yes. Dear Life Kid.
A good friend of mine is getting married at the end of April. She's been planning her wedding for
about a year, and I love her fiance. My husband's best friend was recently engaged to someone he's
been dating only six months, and they just sent out invitations for the same date. Both events will
take place in the same city, so we could ostensibly go to both. However, I feel like we should skip the
last minute wedding and spend quality time with them in another way. My husband wants to go to
both events. What do we do? Signed double booked. Okay. I think you're lucky. I think this is the
lucky situation. I think you should go to both. Because it just so happens that they are in the same
city. I mean, how lucky is that? Same date, same city, same date, not so much. Same city, brilliant.
Also, it's your husband's best friend. So you can reverse the role and it was your best friend.
You go in that either. Yeah. Right. So I think you should make both work. Just it might take some
tight timing and planning, and you might have to be clever with how you do then, how you plan your day,
and have your ubers ready to go at a certain time, pre-bucht, whatever it might be to make it happen,
but I think if you can make both happen, you definitely should. So I would say do both,
and go with bells and whistles to both. Yeah. Sarah Moni for one, maybe in the party for the other,
and there's lots of different ways you can chop that up. Exactly. Social triage is really interesting
to me. If there were only to pick one, is the automatic answer the event you committed to first,
or is it okay to go the event at the friend that you're closer to? How would you make that
decision? I think if you have committed to an event, that's the event you should go to.
It is the correct etiquette to stay committed to the event you have, and then be honest with the
second person, say, oh my goodness, I'm committed to this event already, but maybe you would leave
that other event. If it's your best friend getting married, maybe you go to the ceremony of one,
and then you leave the reception a little early and go to your friends, you try to make it work
if you can, but technically the correct etiquette is to go to what you have RSVP in. What about
gracefully sending regrets for an event? Definitely let them know, and the correct RSVP etiquette is to
do that as soon as you know you cannot go. So not to hold on to the invitation, because some couples
have tears of invitations. So they say, okay, if we're having 100 people, we'll unbi 110 people,
because there's always drop off. And then if only 70 of those people can come, then they have a
second tier that they invite, or even a third tier of people, which hopefully the guests never know
what tier they're in, but I think, you know, if a couple does that, which I'm seeing that actually
quite often now, then the second you can, you know, you can't attend to let that couple know so they
can replace that invitation if they wish to. It's a big thing to be invited to someone's wedding,
so you should treat it with the reverence and the respect that it requires to be. Exactly.
It's not just a birthday party. This is the once in a lifetime, hopefully event for most people.
Mike, one more question for you. We ask our dear like-kit guests to give us their best
piece of advice. I would love to hear the words of wisdom you look by. I would say that if you don't
know anything about etiquette, or you just are thinking, oh gosh, you know, I never took an etiquette
class-iting group like that. I didn't either. You know, no matter where you are in your life,
it's never too late to learn. Love it. etiquette is for everyone. Thank you so much, Micah.
Thank you for having me. Every episode of Dear Life Kit, we answer one of your most pressing
intimate anonymous questions. Next up, we're looking for questions about crushes,
or work, or both. So, have a secret office romance brewing and feel unsure what to do about it.
Have a teammate who's not being a team player. Send us your questions at npure.org slash
dear life kit. We'd love to hear from you. That was Life Kit reporter Andy Tagle.
This episode of Life Kit was produced by Sylvie Douglas. Our visuals editor is Beck Harlan,
and our digital editor is Malika Gareeb. Megan Cain is our supervising editor, and Beth Donovan is
our executive producer. Our production team also includes Margaret Serino and Claremiree Schneider.
Engineering support comes from Kau Takasuki, Chernovan. Dear Life Kit videos are produced by Alicia
Zhang. I'm Mary Elsa Gareeb. Thanks for listening.
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Discover how you can support local organic farmers at ov.coop slash ethically sourced.
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