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Hi everybody.
Here we are, even I back for another deer headspace.
And we have some important questions to tackle today.
We have a caller who can't turn their brain off after work.
We'll be hearing from a listener who's anxious after a breakup.
And in honor of Women's History Month, we have a question about how to deal with microaggressions in the workplace as a woman.
So here we go.
Have you ever wished you had a wise meditation teacher on speed dial?
Someone you can call after a long day.
Someone you could lean on for their advice.
Someone to listen and help you to see things differently.
Welcome to deer headspace.
A podcast where I sit with a meditation teacher and we answer your questions.
Hi Eve.
As always, it's just delightful to be sitting here with you today. Happy Tuesday.
Happy Tuesday.
And this is always a highlight of my week.
I love getting to do this with you and the crew.
It's like we record early enough in the week that it sets me up for a nice week to continue.
Yeah, like I said to my husband this morning, he said, where are you off to?
And it's like, I'm off to record deer headspace.
Like with the real like, cheer and my voice.
No, I'm going to act like you just said, I'm off to hang out with Robin.
I'm off to hang out with Robin.
Well, I am super excited to get to our questions to see if, you know, maybe we can help some folks in their community out a little bit.
So let's get to our first question from Jeeha who is struggling to shut down after work.
Something that we all, this is really, we all know this.
Very well.
Okay. All right. Here we go.
Hello, deer headspace. This is Jeeha from California.
I'm having issues starting off my brain after work.
No matter what I do, it just comes right back in.
I meditate before and after work.
I use star and box breeding technique.
But despite all that, I always catch myself going back to thinking about work.
Please help.
Oh, she just ended on please help.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, please help.
Help. Please drop my brain off for me.
Yeah.
This is something that I like I struggle with for sure, just like anxious thoughts and many, many thoughts.
Oh, I got to do this. I got to do that.
I mean, like, Jeeha didn't give us the setup of her work.
If she's happy at work, if she likes work, but like we can just address it at the most basic level of just sometimes it's tough to shut down.
Yeah. I mean, 100%.
I think Jeeha, you are asking this question on behalf of probably every human being that is working.
So what does every human being?
Yeah.
Not just working.
I mean, you know, it is it's hard to unwind sometimes.
In fact, it's hard to unwind a lot of the time.
And what struck me first was, you know, when you're thinking about work and of course you didn't expand into any great detail.
But is it does it tend to be worry and anxiety based?
Because I think it's normal that we spend a lot of our time working and it's only natural that that will bleed into, you know, our evening at the end of the day.
And so just reminding yourself to do things, reflecting on the day like that's thinking is not a bad thing.
Yeah.
You know, the mind is designed to think we can't shut off our thoughts unfortunately and we'll talk a little bit more about that in a moment.
But if you're finding that those thoughts are leaning more heavily towards, you know, anxiety, worry, stress, you know, that's that's a different thing.
Yeah.
And I think we can talk through some some ways in which you can approach that.
And I will just say and I hear this from so many people.
It's very frustrating to try and turn off the brain to try and turn off the mind.
In fact, when we try and do that, we actually end up thinking more like why can't I come down?
Come down, come down.
Exactly.
Like why am I the only one who has such a busy mind?
And you know, when it comes to your meditation practice, but also in life, like I promise you, you are not alone.
Yeah.
And really what you're describing is this idea, this analogy that we talk a lot about in meditation is monkey mind.
And there's this really wonderful animation in the app called monkey mind that I definitely recommend checking out.
You can just search monkey mind.
And I love it.
I think you were going to say today monkey mind.
But yeah, it's a really beautiful way of breaking down the idea that we do have a little monkey running around in our mind sometimes.
And this, this so striving to want to calm it down can become very frustrating.
When I first heard the question from Jaya, I was thinking about when I had a newborn, they would tell you that like make sure you do the same thing every single night.
So we had this whole like bedtime routine that was like at seven o'clock, you bring the lights down the apartment and you start talking quieter.
And then we would place certain music to start to cue and all of it was to like teach this kid that it is now time to transition into the next phase of going to bed.
Like please go to bed so I can shower perhaps.
But it reminded me of this question of like, are there cues and things that you can do to help yourself transition?
Yeah, that's I'm so glad you brought that up because Jaya, you're already doing some amazing practices to support yourself emotionally mentally.
Through your practices. But it really might be worth exploring some other ways to transition and I think getting outside if you can of course working out doing some exercise.
We know that that releases endorphins which help us to feel better in ourselves healthier happier.
Also, other activities or hobbies that perhaps can literally take your mind off work and actually allow you to focus on something that you actually really enjoy.
And I'm not saying you need to go and fill your evenings, you know jam packed every single single night.
But are there some things that you can do that will actually take your mind off and allow you to focus on something that actually brings you joy.
Yeah, spending time with friends loved ones, you know, for me, I really enjoy cooking.
If I've had a really busy day, I love nothing more than getting into the kitchen.
Sometimes I'll pop on one of my favorite podcasts.
And it's a really great way to quite literally refocus the mind.
Yeah, I often use mindfulness and cooking as a way to talk about mindfulness in action.
I am guilty of this as well. I'll often eat watching something or maybe texting or finishing up some emails.
Yeah, most of us have more than one screen.
And so can you actually maybe have a tech free hour or a tech free evening in some cases.
So there isn't that pull to check emails to get back into Slack.
And also, what are you doing during the day? If you are back to back, Zoom meetings, whether there's no breaks.
Naturally, what you do during the day will absolutely influence how you feel and your ability to unwind at the end of the day hugely.
And actually, rather than switching off, I like to say, can you switch on to something else?
Yeah. So actually, can you rather than tune out? Can you tune in to something else that isn't work focused?
And actually, in this whole process, be really kind to yourself.
Yes. It's okay that you're thinking about work.
It's okay that you may feel anxious or worried.
So, you're thinking about your work, you're thinking about your work, you're thinking about your work, you're thinking about your work, you're thinking about your work, you're thinking about your work, you're thinking about your work, you're thinking about your work, you're thinking about your work, you're thinking about your work, you're thinking about your work, you're thinking about your work, you're thinking about your work, you're thinking about your work, you're thinking about your work, you're thinking about your work, you're thinking about your work, you're thinking about your work, you're thinking about your work, you're thinking about your work, you're thinking about your work, you're thinking about your work, you're thinking about your work, you're thinking about your work, you're thinking about your work, you're thinking about your work, you're thinking about your work, you're thinking about your work, you're thinking about your work, you're thinking about your work, you're thinking about your work, you're
thinking about your work, you're thinking about your work, you're thinking about your work, you're thinking about your work, you're thinking about your work, you're thinking about your work, you're thinking about your work, you're thinking about your work, you're thinking about your work, you're thinking about your work, you're thinking about your work, you're thinking about your work, you're thinking about your work, you're thinking about your work, you're thinking about your work, you're thinking about your work, you're thinking about your work, you're thinking about your work, you're thinking about your work, you're thinking about your work, you're thinking about your work, you're thinking about your work, you're thinking about your work, you're thinking about your work, you're thinking about your work, you're thinking about your work, you're thinking about your work, you're thinking about your work, you're thinking about your work, you're thinking about your work, you're thinking about your work, you're thinking about your work
I would love to hear from you on how to handle breakup I think I am still consumed by stress, sadness and anxiety about this close relationship because I feel really sad about it and also worry about not being able to find and develop a genuine
connection with another person and just about my status as a single woman there is a lot of stress socially and more importantly, personally like
yeah I just myself for being like this as well it's not healthy for myself I would love to hear from you guys thank you
oh Hilda we can just you can just hear this sadness and that is just always tough to you know it's a tough place to start it's just you know it's hard it's very hard
oh I just just want to take a moment Hilda because you're carrying a lot yeah yeah you're really carrying a lot and and just thank you for asking this question because I know you're not alone
yeah and in those moments when you're lonely and it seems like everyone has what it is that you want there's nothing but that feeling
yeah and I think overwhelmingly listening to you I think that there's well there's two things here I think one is grieving the loss of the relationships yes yes because you have experience to loss and of course don't know the intricate details of it whose decision it was and things like that but it's very normal to be sad and to feel sad and to grieve
when you're in a relationship it allows you to think about the future to make plans to envision a life with somebody and that's now been taken away yeah and so I think giving yourself some time
and you know I think as well Hilda that again we don't know the details of of the breakup but and I know this is really hard to accept but the breakup did it did happen for a reason yeah
and I think that can be hard to sit with but in hearing how you're feeling and I'm just going off you know your turn of voice and how much your this is impacting you I'm worried that you're taking all of the blame on yourself
and perhaps not considering that there were two people in the relationship and actually were you able to flourish were you able to thrive in the relationship were you able to be yourself
and it might be worth taking some time to reflect on that yeah there's an opportunity here to find something that is maybe even a better fit for you
and I think as part of that process just reminding yourself that in this relationship you did the best you could and we obviously can't take the responsibility of another person on ourselves
and I think you know forgiveness comes to mind like you deserve the same forgiveness that you're perhaps giving to your ex you know when there is a breakup and perhaps you're not the one who initiated it
it can be hard because we may not have the answers that we want and we start making accommodations yes
I had done this if only I hadn't have said that if only I hadn't have acted in this way and it becomes we take that responsibility it's all our fault
and so I think can you be or allow yourself to be really compassionately curious about why the relationship did break down
and of course there will be things on both sides but you know no one is perfect and we can put people on a pedestal particularly if we feel this pressure to be in a relationship
to tick the boxes societally when it comes to you know getting married having children you know the amount of times I have felt judged by others when they've said oh you don't have you don't have kids yet
I don't know this to me is like a moment to be what is what is Hilda not been able to take care of lately because you were either in a relationship where things weren't exactly how you wanted them or because maybe you were busy and you were in a couple but like you know it's it's Hilda's turn it's like you know
and also can Hilda be in a relationship with Hilda yes yes yes you know I've talked about this on other episodes before because and I hope this helps you not to feel so alone you know we've had a number of questions about struggling after a break up
and the other piece that I was mentioning earlier there's there's allowing yourself time to grieve but there's also what really comes to mind here is can you start to love and like yourself and actually it's the universe must be listening because yesterday I saw Serena Williams posted and I took a screenshot of it so let me actually let me um so she says loving yourself is essential
I find that I have to remind myself of that self love through all the different stages in my life right now I love that my body is not picture perfect I love that I smell like milk and that milk sustains my little baby I love getting to know a new version of my body
it is a change but it's a change that has been well worth it so start this week knowing that you are loved and that starts with you
oh my god that is so amazing and seeing that I was reminded of this idea in meditation in our practice about making friends with ourselves this is something I have been practicing a lot recently in my meditation practice in the morning I'm a morning meditator I tend to be
and this was something actually my meditation teacher suggested because I was saying I was really struggling with a lot of self-doubt and self-criticism and she says maybe just try when you sit down in the morning the beginning of your practice just to maybe put a hand on your heart and just say hey honey how are you doing
and it's it's just such a lovely way to encourage that warmth yeah encourage that friendliness because we do need to be friends with ourselves in again I've I've shared this many times on on the show but how we talk to ourselves is not often how we talk to a friend no no and it's really developing that loving awareness that kind awareness
that understanding awareness so I would say for the time being can you focus entirely on you yeah being in a relationship with hilda because I think if you are seeking a relationship and wanting to be in a partnership with someone else if that love for yourself isn't there you could end up
making some some sacrifices to your overall well-being to your overall happiness in you yourself said this is not healthy it's really impacting you yeah well hilda I mean we are with you and we hope that you are able to go forward through the grief through loving yourself and come out on the other side and we we're out here we're rooting for you
yes and I'll just say so doora one of incredible teachers she's through her own experience wrote a course at launch last year healing after a break up and it's all rooted in self compassion so I definitely recommend checking that out as well that sounds perfect all right we will be right back
okay let's go to our last question from Erica hi dear head space my name is Erica I'm calling from norwalk can edit kit I'm calling because I was looking for some advice on dealing with microaggressions in the workplace as a woman I currently work as an auditor for an accounting firm and I'm actually really blessed that most of my colleagues are women however there are a couple people on our team who are men
and I truly don't think that they mean any harm by it however I feel like there's just like slight microaggressions or digs when it comes to working with women in the workplace whether it be how we deal with our emotions or how we show up when it comes to like our clientele and so I was wondering if you had any advice on how to kind of maneuver that conversation in a way that is productive but also direct in that I don't appreciate the comments or that I don't really want to hear that
and I don't think it's appropriate or productive and it's also a little bit uncomfortable so yeah if you have any insight on that or any advice I would love to know and thank you so much I love the show thank you
thanks Erica this is a fantastic question and something I think about a lot like I just had a friend who said to me that there was this opportunity for this big business trip and in front of an entire room like a conference room full of people their boss said to them well you know you you can go but like are you going to be able to get child care coverage
and like never in the history of conference room meetings has any man ever said that to another man for an opportunity to travel and it's just it's like those kinds of things they happen so frequently so regularly and I love what Erica said like I don't think they mean mean it or they're doing it on purpose there's like I mean we're giving them the benefit of the doubt but because there is like a societal bias that happens and these things are just acceptable in some ways in the workplace
yeah but we don't want them to be no and Erica just thank you for asking this question because this is a topic that needs continuous focus and there is honestly still a lot of education but also just a ton of unlearning that needs to happen and just what you were saying Robin I do want to give folks the benefit of the doubt but that's also just an excuse
yeah like why not take the time to actually educate yourself and you know I've seen in the media folks saying well you just can't say anything these days
well it's just like it's just you can't go from one extreme to the other like you made a mistake clean it up you can't then just be like I can't say anything you know it's that's that's the stuff that doesn't get us further along in the conversation is when people go there
yeah and also it absorbs any responsibility and and actually justifies harmful behavior and you know if let's just talk briefly about and I look I am not a DEI expert and this is just through my own personal education
through my own learning and taking part in this conversation you know microgressions are felt because they're an attack on who you are as a person whether it's your gender your sexuality your parental status I definitely have felt that
oh you you don't have kids yet socio economic background age even you know mental health disorders and they really can impact you know anyone
I think traditionally or historically it tends to be targeted on more marginalized groups communities so I think just acknowledging that as well but research has also shown that the impact of microaggressions is really significant higher levels of stress
depression of health disorders you know increased diabetes heart disease so whilst these might be termed as microaggressions the actual impact is really macro
there's going to be a macro because they are small things that happen regularly it like the times that someone does something so egregious that's like fireable are few and far between but the amount of times that someone may put you in your place as a woman
throughout any given day can be many massively and that's that's saying you know death by a thousand paper car yeah yeah every single one is just yet another another swipe you know I think the overriding thing here and I'm really grateful that head space is
taking the charge in this space in terms of really you know having these tough conversations yeah and actually acknowledging where there are weaknesses and of course no organization is perfect but I think
Erica do you feel comfortable enough to perhaps bring this to your HR team I think is is a first pass and just make them aware that this is happening of course if you maybe don't feel that safe
doing that maybe could you speak to a co-worker someone you do trust maybe you go together maybe there's a community aspect to this you know I'm I'm wary to say confront the person
because of course I don't know the the relationship that you have if again you did feel very safe and secure to just say in a kind way look you may not have realized this but when you say this is actually really
upsetting and I just want to make you aware of that but of course timing of that is really important calling someone out in front of others yeah obviously could make someone feel very defensive and so thinking about when would be the best time but also you know it's sensitive you know I've had this
really happened to me multiple times thankfully not that headspace but when you know I worked in my advertising days you know thanks sweethearts yes we do you know
that's right gorgeous or commenting on that's a nice skirt okay it can make you feel really uncomfortable especially if that's coming from an older more powerful person yeah powerful person
so you're not it you're very valid in feeling these things and you know this is not a new topic yeah no it's really not and but it's like a glacial
slow improving area you know much like all the other isms you know it's like glacial slow and it's like and I like what you said earlier about it it makes me think about
community do you have mentors in the workplace that you can talk to because I do think many things are political and you do have to be careful how you step forward
because like it could be a person a higher position than you there could be some big promotion that's out there for you there could be a
million things that this could impact so finding a strong mentor in the workplace and seeing how and this is the beauty of this whole
podcast taking care of yourself as you do it yes absolutely and I'm thinking back to what we were talking about in the
previous question around this fierce self compassion and actually standing in your truth knowing that what you're feeling is 100%
valid and how can you take that energy in a way that is protective of yourself but allows you to acknowledge that what your feelings valid but in a way
that helps you to perhaps help others by speaking up but doing so in a way that provides a space for some healing because you said you know it makes me
uncomfortable yeah I don't like this I want to be able to show up at work being my full self and that should be a right of yours
like that's a basic right yeah and look underlying all of this is we all have unconscious biases like we do and we will make mistakes
and you know I was thinking about some training that our chief purpose officer Dr Wisdom Powell was giving us on this very very
topic last year and she said this is not comfortable work you will feel uncomfortable it will make you feel uneasy at times
and there will be areas that we need to work on and that that does apply you know across the board I think obviously in this instance
there is probably more work for some than than others and I think that that speaks to what you were saying Robin is it's not on the
responsibility of the person who's feeling targeted victimized they shouldn't be having to do the work yeah and I think this this excuse of what
didn't mean it yeah so well that comes back to that awareness and so to anyone who's like on the receiving end of hearing feedback
you know because we've all been in situations where someone says hey you did this thing and kind of wasn't cool
and it doesn't feel awful feels awful like I'm a terrible person and so if you're in those shoes can you listen openly I know the
first place to go to is one of defense one of justifying you know what are you talking about ease I'm just kidding
yeah so can you can you be compassionate with yourself and actually recognize yeah I made a mistake yeah and I'm going to use this
knowledge now to educate myself to make sure that I don't do that again to actually be a bit more aware and realize that words have consequences
well Erica we are I mean we're with you in the workplace and I hope that you find your your people who can help guide you through like what's the best
path forward for you in your workplace because it's it is hard but you've got a lot of people alongside who understand what you're experiencing
yeah and I'm just really sorry that this is your experience I know many other people women marginalized communities will be standing beside you
I stand beside you having experienced this myself in the past and you know we we actually have created some some content in the
app around having difficult conversations and communication there's actually a really great exercise called difficult communication so maybe taking a listen to that before
having a conversation to allow you to remain in your truth and maintain that courage in having that conversation
it's fantastic well Eve I mean today's questions they have just been all been so relatable and I have to say that that's one of
the things that I love about the show is though even though the questions are specific to one person there's just there's something that we can all see in
ourselves or we've all probably been through together so yeah I mean these three questions wow every single one I can relate to as you know as an individual as a
woman having experienced all of it yeah well I mean I think we're saying we're all in this together I mean I love this community and I will say
speaking of that I want to thank our callers Gia Hilda and Erica thank you for reaching out and we just we hope this was helpful to you
and hey if you're listening and you're in the market for a little bit of help we'd love to be there for you so to record your
question you're just going to head over to say hi dot chat slash dear headspace and that link is of course going to be in the
notes and if we use your question in the show you are going to get three months of headspace for free what a deal what a deal indeed and what a way to
show yourself some self compassion some some love and as we wrap up today's episode I get the honor of sharing with you one last
moment before we go this is really just a little break so you can transition before moving into the rest of your day and it's
time to reflect on what you just experienced what you just heard a moment to settle your mind so here are the sounds of rain hitting on
canvas and as you listen let your mind do whatever it wants to do until next time stay happy stay healthy and most of all be kind to your
friends and each other
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