That's my studio.
Please note that this week's episode contains discussion about difficult topics like suicide
that may bring up strong emotions for some listeners.
If you feel that hearing this content could potentially impact your mental well-being,
please skip the second question of this particular episode.
Hi everyone.
It is a new day and a new dear headspace.
Robin here and today I am joined by Kessanga and headspace therapist Samantha.
And we've got some really important questions on tap for today.
We'll be talking about how to know when to end a relationship, how to be strong for
a parent struggling with mental health issues.
And we have a question about how to calm those early morning anxious thoughts.
So let's get right into it.
Have you ever wished you had a wise meditation teacher on speed dial?
Someone you can call after a long day.
Someone you could lean on for their advice.
Someone to listen and help you to see things differently.
Welcome to Dear Headspace.
A podcast where I sit with a meditation teacher and we answer your questions.
Hi you two.
I mean here we are again.
I mean I have to say I do love this combo.
I love it too.
I love it too.
Thank you.
Greetings Robin and Samantha.
Always a pleasure.
Always a pleasure.
I'm getting some funky glasses on there Samantha.
I wish this was in video.
Those are cute.
I know I have so many glasses there my thing.
My too.
I love it.
Just make you feel good about yourself.
They always fit.
Yes.
I noticed that Samantha.
I noticed your specs.
They are quite lovely.
Thank you.
Very unique.
Very stylish.
Yeah they match like the day.
It depends on what's going on.
All right.
Well let's get things started shall we.
Here is our first question from Lisa and it is all about when to end a relationship.
Hello.
My name is Lisa and I'm from Southeast Los Angeles.
My question is how do I know if I should stay in a relationship?
I've been with my partner for over seven years now and throughout that time we've broken
up multiple times.
Four years into the relationship my partner enlisted into the Navy but before that I felt
that I was more emotionally invested into the relationship than he was because he was
the one who would break it off.
When he enlisted he asked me to marry him which was a shock because I didn't feel it
was a jangler proposal so I declined.
We're still together but I consistently think about how unhealthy a relationship is.
Last year he told me he married his sister's best friend so he could receive the extra money
from the military and I still carry that into our relationship as we still try to make
it work but I feel lost.
How do I know if I should stay in this relationship?
Thank you.
Wow.
Well thank you for your question Lisa.
This is a big question and I think one where all you know anybody who's been in a relationship
understands this but right out of the gate I just have to say this if it's this hard right
now it is not going to get easier.
Long term relationships are hard.
This question reminds me of you know how on Instagram when you have like a post that's
kind of outrageous or interesting and someone says I ran straight to the comments.
Yes.
Yes.
This is one of those type of posts.
This is one of those questions.
So thanks for your question Lisa.
You know relationships we said numerous times that relationships matters of the heart.
They can be difficult.
They come with their own trials and tribulations especially if you really love the person
ups and downs and very rarely very rarely have have I ever really said definitively that
this is something to walk away from but I have to say these if you were my client I would
say with certainty to walk away from this guy.
Yeah it just doesn't sound good now.
This guy is the definition of toxic and it sounds like he's sapping your energy.
I mean just the mere fact that you're broken up numerous times over the seven years.
That speaks volumes and what he married your sisters friend.
Somebody sister somebody yeah and then you're still in the relationship so technically
I'm in a relationship with a married man which is and he used her it's just hella messy.
It's just a lot.
I started putting a post it on my note y'all know I like my post it's and you love your
post it's but this one said save yourself.
And that is screaming so loudly just in hearing you speak Lisa is that you are looking for
someone to give you permission to save yourself.
Yes save yourself but what will be the ones to say it.
Well because it's also like I guess my question is is like what do you want in a relationship
and then compare and contrast to how you're being treated.
I would venture to guess that most people want in a relationship someone to love them
and respect them and a person that is that shows up and you each treat each other well
and everything that you said in this question I just don't hear any of that.
So it's like asking yourself that question of what do I want and then what is this person
showing up I think that that sometimes can help you clarify the but but he but it's been
a years or but he says he loves me but all the butts that come up because as soon as
I start saying butts it's not right.
It's right.
It's a right.
It's a right.
There are so many right flags.
Yeah.
So many.
Yeah.
So many Samantha.
I would I would also ask Lisa if she's ever seen a therapist or professional if not I
would definitely recommend it and in that in those sessions a couple of questions that
I would really maybe dive into is it sounds like you're not over this guy.
So how can you get to a place where you're over him right because there's nothing wrong
with loving someone but if they're not reciprocating it if they're not if that treating you terribly
as a situation sounds like how can you take the steps to get over them and then why are
you allowing this man to treat you in this way right.
So that's something to really process I would say in a session a professional session.
What is it that's present that's making you say this is okay.
Why are you allowing this guy to continue to over and over again treat you in this manner.
And Lisa I would also venture to guess that there's if a friend of yours was in this
situation you'd be like girl why are you letting him treat you like this or what you know
it's like it's amazing the things that we will allow ourselves to to put up with that
we wouldn't want for our kids or our friends or our family.
And I think that that's those are also for me like things that I can use like am I on
the right path.
Right.
I think one thing I want Lisa to know is that it's okay that you have stayed and endured
and there should be no shame attached because there is a reason why you have stayed there
is something that is missing or something that is being added to your life.
When you think about saving yourself and you start doing the things that make you want
to save yourself like putting yourself first prioritizing your own needs seeing a therapist
or coach like that will eventually put away like push out the things that are not serving
you.
And so I just don't want you to walk away feeling like man why did I stay so long because
I have stayed and had to figure out how to prioritize myself until it became what I needed.
And so it's okay that you've done that but what change do you want to see and you have
to be that change.
Don't wait for him to create a change for you.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I just didn't want Lisa to leave this thinking that we're all like get out girl that's
easy.
And it doesn't mean it's not easy.
It's every one of us has stayed too long and then looked back and like why did I do that?
Like I mean I just remember saying to my friends one time like listen you're just going
to have to watch me smack my head against this wall until I feel like stopping and they
were all like because I wasn't ready.
So but I just think calling and asking you might be ready.
Yeah.
That's an important marker.
Yeah.
I agree.
So we're sending you love.
We're sending you strength to make decisions that are good and healthy for you.
And send yourself some of that love also that that self compassion also be gentle with
yourself in this journey.
Yes.
Love that.
All right.
So let's take our next question from Jess.
Hi, I had space.
My name's Jess and I'm from the UK.
My dad tried to take his own life and was very nearly successful and he was in hospital.
I've just been feeling so so sad.
I'm very close to my dad and knowing that he has been hurt in the way that he has been
really breaks me.
And it's just been such a difficult time.
I'm really struggling to get my head around it.
And I just, I feel so sad every day I wake up, I just feel sad.
And I'm just trying to be kind to myself, trying to be gentle with myself, but it's just
so difficult.
And I'm just looking for some kind of advice or guidance to just help me through this
period of uncertainty, I want to be strong for my dad as well.
He doesn't need to see me cry every time I hang out with him.
So I just, yeah, any advice much appreciated.
Thank you so much.
Oh, thank you for your question, Jess.
It sounds like, I mean to me, you're already being strong for your dad, you know, right out
of the gate.
It's, this just sounds like a really, really difficult situation.
Yeah, this is, I'm so sorry, just that this is something that you're going through.
Send in your all the love and care and thank you for calling in.
I mean, this is, this is as heavy as it gets, right?
This is, it really has as heavy as it gets.
So, so right away, just asking if you are or not seeing a professional, a mental health
professional.
And if you're not, I would highly, highly advise to seek one out, but this is a lot
to process.
This is a lot to process.
And you need that professional guidance, you need that space, that safe space to be able
to just process it and go through the journey.
Because that's what it is.
So journey, there's not a quick fix here, unfortunately.
No.
And like she said, I, you know, I don't want him to see me cry.
And that's a really, that's, that's a lot of pressure to put on yourself to, you know,
because it, you know, unfortunately, obviously, your dad's in a space that's not good, but
that does have a ripple effect on the other people too.
And so it's like just some echoing what Kaisanga is saying.
It's just so critical that you're taking care of yourself.
And I was just glad to hear her say like, I'm trying to be gentle with myself because
it's, you know, you don't want to make it worse.
That's exactly what I was thinking Robin is.
I'm so appreciative of Jess of you.
And the work that you're already doing is to just being gentle with yourself.
Even that can be like pushing a boulder up a mountain.
Yeah.
You know, the idea of being strong all the time, that's such a heavy burden.
That's not realistic.
It's not realistic.
And it's the concept even something we want.
Yeah.
Is that something we want to see?
Maybe if looking at what being strong felt like and not having to have that feeling that
might release some pressure, but having somebody to talk to if there are other family that
you could actually lean into for support and friends who can help you to shoulder some
of what you're feeling as a burden.
Yeah.
And Kaisanga, you weren't saying it's going to be a journey.
So like, let's, let's take it there because it is a journey.
Like so what advice for when you have like, because this could also be a person who's
dealing with a family member who has cancer or, you know, a divorce, like things that are
ongoing aren't solved by, you know, going to see a therapist immediately and they're
going to be in your life in this way.
So like, can we talk about it from that point of view for a little bit?
Yeah.
Sure.
Well, I would also ask Jess if you have the opportunity to take off from work first of.
So you have that time to really process this, this, and be with this journey.
And as far as the journey is concerned, it's really moment by moment.
So this is where the practice really comes into play.
I don't know what your meditation practice looks like, what your mindfulness practice looks
like.
But really moment by moment and being present with each moment, I'm allowing yourself
to to grieve, allowing yourself to cry, kind of piggybacking with Robin and Samantha
was saying, being gentle with yourself and whatever you, whatever you're experiencing
right now, it's perfectly okay.
Allow yourself to feel it, allow yourself to ride as we say, ride that wave because, you
know, those waves are going to come.
These are pretty big waves right now.
Yeah.
These are pretty big waves.
So allow yourself to ride them.
And when they crash and dissipate.
Okay, appreciate that moment.
But most likely there's going to be another one right behind it.
So really just tracking yourself and checking in with yourself moment by moment as you experience
this, this journey.
The only way to the other side is to go through.
Yeah.
So right now you're going through it, Jess.
I was just thinking of like that approaching it with that, the way that kids approach their
emotions.
And then I'm coming out of the other side, I mean, we're appropriate.
Obviously you can't, you know, just start screaming in the workplace.
Yeah, that's what I was saying.
If she could take off from work, that would be awesome.
Yeah.
That, you're right.
That would be if she could get a leave of absence.
Yeah.
And you can get short-term or long-term disability to take care of loved ones.
So that may be something to look into as well.
If, and it might even be taking care of yourself during that time too.
Absolutely.
And maybe just admitting like it's okay to not be okay right now.
You know, and if you've only admitted that to us on this call, it may be important to
share that with some other people in your life that you're not okay either.
Yeah.
And you need some additional support, you know, on this journey.
Something I just literally just, I don't know what it was about what you just said, Samantha,
that really pinged with me.
I had a client that was going through something similar.
And one of the exercises that I did with him, well, that had him, it was a mirror exercise
where he was going through a hard time, grief, crying frequently and what have you.
And I asked him just to see how it feels to look at this particular client was feeling
guilty about, actually feeling guilty about feeling what he was feeling.
So I said, just look in a mirror.
Look in a mirror, look at yourself.
And say to yourself, I give you permission to feel what you feel.
That's nice.
Yeah.
And he said he tried it and tears came.
I said, any, any, any stopped, he stopped exercise.
I said, well, see what it feels like to do it while you're crying and looking at yourself
while you're crying.
Of course, if it becomes overwhelming, you know, you can stop and pause.
But that talking and seeing yourself and voicing to yourself, I give you permission
to feel what you feel in the moment.
Even while you're in that space of strong emotion and crying, it can be a game changer.
Right.
We're looking for ways to get through this.
We're looking for ways to get through this journey moment by moment.
And that can be pretty helpful.
So try it out, Jess and see how it feels.
I do just want to say to anyone who's listening, if you are struggling with the mental health
condition, please make sure to talk to a licensed provider.
You can also find support resources on headspace's mental health resource page, which is headspace.com
slash mental dash health dash resources.
I'm going to put that into the show notes.
So it's there for everyone as well.
And it also is important to say if you or anyone you know is having thoughts of suicide
or self harm, please call or text 988, which is the suicide and crisis lifeline.
You can also call 911 or in worst case scenario, just go straight to the nearest emergency
room.
So we just want to make sure everybody has all those resources and we want to just say thank
you, Jess, for just for trusting us with your question and good luck and we're sending
much love.
Absolutely.
Absolutely.
Okay, we'll be right back.
All right.
We are back and we have a question from Evo.
Hi, my name is Evo and I'm from Amsterdam.
Long time listener, first time caller.
Headspace has helped me a lot in calming any anxious thoughts that I have, especially
in the morning when I don't know what's coming.
But I noticed that when I'm about to wake up, I'm half asleep, dreaming, and half awake.
My thoughts all all over the place.
I can break myself out and consciously calm myself only to soothe myself back to sleep
and start all over again.
What can I do to help calm myself conscious in the morning or even before sleeping the
night before?
Thank you.
Oh, thank you for this question, Evo.
Also thank you for the jokes.
Long time listener, first time caller.
We appreciate you listening.
But what's interesting is that early morning is my worst time sleeping as well.
It's when I wake up with every fear, every concern.
It's definitely the world is ending at 3 a.m. in my brain every day.
So I'm really looking forward to hearing what your accredited thoughts are on this as
minor just guesses.
I've talked to some friends who talk about there's cortisol rushes in the morning, but
I've never fact checked that or anything.
So I want to hear what you two have to say.
I was going to say that cortisol rushes real.
I did fact check it for myself and you did.
Okay.
Yes.
And so now if I wake up at 3.30 a.m., I'm like, look at that cortisol.
But I do wake up early in the morning and my thoughts immediately before even open up
my eyes have already finished out everything I needed to do in my head before I have step
foot out of the bed and I found like if I do a brain dump on like journal before the
night before that is really helpful.
And then if I wake up in the morning because I know that's going to happen, I immediately
go into like some deep breathing or some sort of like repetitive thought that allows me
to just calm it down.
It doesn't mean I'm trying to stop it or anything like that, but I am trying to manage it.
Yeah.
That's what has been working for me.
I like that.
I've recently added in I have one of those very sexy sleep headbands that has speakers.
Like nobody should not get pictures of me in the middle of the night.
It's not cute.
But I have started during those moments turning on white noise and I have found that that
something about it distracts myself from all the running conversation and I it has been
helping me fall back to sleep during those moments.
So I offer that as well.
I have one though, but it has the blue lights and red lights and you push the button.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And you can do like these red blinking lights and I promise you I fall asleep before it
ends the red light like the lights inside.
Mine just has speakers with this.
No, you're speaking about new stuff.
We got lights in the headbands.
Yes.
Okay.
We're going to need a link that we're going to put in the show notes Samantha and also
for your girl Robin because I need I need lights and I need like a whole like I'm turning
it to like sleep deprivation like like one of those tanks.
My suggestion isn't as high tech.
I'm sorry.
But you could still be a part of this case on this.
Okay.
But what what ping for me, evil is when you say that you're trying to control your subconscious.
Yeah.
So that's a wild notion, man.
I would look with that.
Yeah.
I would maybe shift your perspective and maybe maybe allow yourself to let that go.
Because when it comes to sleeping, dreaming, the subconscious, there is no rhyme or reason.
So what's going to happen?
Something I deal with sleep paralysis.
So you know, when I when I wait, so you're asleep in your paralyzed.
No, I'm asleep.
So sleep paralysis is I'm asleep.
But I'm aware that I'm asleep, but I can't move.
So it's literally like I'm awake, but I'm sleeping.
Oh my god.
That sounds so scary.
It's very scary.
And then I also learned that some people with superlaces also have terrors with it.
So it feel like something is coming after them.
So it's it's it's a wild wild situation.
But I just say that to say, you know, I've learned how to deal how to deal with it.
I've learned how to come out of it.
Right away, my practice actually has helped me with it because you fight just panic.
Yeah.
So I'm able to just literally breathe, take deep breaths and that kind of brings me out
of it.
So evil, it sounds like you have a practice.
So I would ask, you know, what time are you going to bed?
Right.
So are you getting adequate amount of sleep hygiene?
Yeah.
Yeah.
That's also something I deal with evil.
You know, I got to get to bed earlier.
Um, I'm making strides, but you know, it's, you know, you're your sleep patterns.
So hygiene is tough in the modern age.
We got a phone next to our bed.
And I, you know, I want to leave it there in case somebody's calling about the kids,
you know, it's like it's all all of that.
Yeah.
Plus also I got to be on the Instagram Reels.
Yeah.
It's the worst.
It's the worst.
It's the worst.
So evil, don't, don't listen to that.
Don't do what I say to what I say, not what I do.
Exactly.
Yeah.
So paying attention to that.
How, how, what are you, what's your nighttime routine?
Because I've learned that how you wake up in the morning is dependent on how you go to
sleep the night before.
So paying attention to how are you going to sleep.
And then when you are waking up and you're feeling that, that anxiety, like I said, sounds
like you have a practice, you know, the journaling.
I love that idea of Samantha doing that mind up journaling.
Um, doing some kind of mindfulness practice that will bring you into the hair and now,
um, allow you to manage those.
There's nothing wrong with what you're experiencing, but how do you, how do you navigate through
it?
How do you manage it?
So you've been dropping into a meditation, you know, I've said this numerous times, wake
up as soon as your feet hit the floor, drop into a brief meditation right there on the,
on the side edge of your bed.
Yeah.
And that can kind of just bring you and just settle everything down right here, right now,
you know.
And you can keep that Samantha journal by the bed for the middle of the night too, because
sometimes I don't know about you, Evo, but I'm listing.
Mm hmm.
And it's like a panic listing.
It's not just like, oh, I don't want to forget to get groceries.
It's like, I have to get groceries and I have to, you know, it's like, yes.
And it's like, and there's never going to be enough time for me to do the things I'm
supposed to do.
But I do find that if I just write those things down, it does help me let go of it sometimes.
Yeah.
It's almost just like a mixture of a mix bag of a lot of things you got to try because
it doesn't seem like it's preventable.
No, I don't think there's like a magic answer or a pill for this, but I also think if you're
trying to control your subconscious, I don't want to say there's a hard no, but that's,
if that's the solve we're trying to come to, we can spend this conversation many ways,
but we may not be able to do that.
Yeah, you got to gently let that go, evil gently let that notion go, trying to control
your subconscious, just observing, observing with that kind and gentle curiosity, what
it's doing.
And worst case scenario around 3 4 a.m. you're up.
Just think of the three of us, Samantha, case on the me on East Coast time and we're with
you.
We're probably up thinking too.
Send us an email, say hello.
And if you even want to take it a step further, you can actually call Robin.
Robin's number is nine.
And by the way, the phone will be by my bed because I'll be afraid that something happened
to my children who are four.
Well good luck, evil.
We were with you.
I mean, I was going to say literally, but we're not literally with you, but we're with
you spiritually, metaphysically, metaphorically, all the ways that are words that I can no longer
remember.
I used to like to say, my brother and I used to say this, I'll see you in Dreamland.
You know, what do you, what do you, and I used to say to my girls also, what are you going
to be in Dreamland?
I'm going to be a yellow hippopotamus.
I'm going to be a red dragon, you know.
I'm going to be a stressed out mess.
That's what I hopefully, I'm going to be asleep.
You're going to be sleeping in Dreamland.
I'm hopeful.
Well, you don't know, thank you for your question, thank you for your question, man.
I just have to say, I'm going to just say something about the Dear Headspace community
right now, y'all.
I mean, I am just, I'm always so proud and impressed and happy, honestly, that our listeners
trust us and that they let us into their lives with these, these really, really big questions.
It just makes the community feel so, we don't see these people, but I feel such a connection
to this community.
Absolutely, and these are real, real, real questions that we all, that we all deal with from
the heavy to the light.
This is life, right?
Absolutely.
Yeah, today, I don't know, some courses that came up to me in the app was the Surface
Team, the Surface Team, Meditation, Surface Team course.
I mean, the app, I would highly recommend that.
And also, there's a whole section for sleep, there's a whole section that deals with sleep.
So diving into that also can be very beneficial.
Well, sounds like a fantastic suggestion.
And folks, if you're at home or out in the go, whatever you happen to be right now and
you have something that you just need a little bit of help with, we are here for you too.
So we make it pretty darn easy for you to record your question.
All you have to do is go to say hi.chat slash Dear Headspace and you're going to follow the
prompts.
Of course, that link will be in the show notes.
We got a whole lot of stuff I'm putting in the show notes.
I hope somebody reminds me.
And if we use your question on Dear Headspace, you're going to get three months of Headspace
for free.
And that's a lovely notion, three months for free.
Yes.
Yeah.
Yeah.
All right, party people.
Before we wrap this episode up, we've got something special for you.
We've built in some time for you to take a moment to just sit with everything that you've
heard.
And just also a space to reflect, to reset before you head into your next activity.
So for today, we have the soothing sounds of a tropical night.
And as you listen, just let your mind wander and do whatever it wants to do.
Until next time, stay happy.
Stay healthy.
And be kind to each other.
Stay healthy.
Stay healthy.
Stay healthy.
Stay healthy.
Stay healthy.
Stay healthy.
Stay healthy.
Stay healthy.
Stay healthy.
Stay healthy.
Stay healthy.
Stay healthy.
Stay healthy.
Dear Headspace is a Headspace Studios original podcast.
It's executive produced by Morgan Celser and Sarah Cohn and produced by Taylor Jennings
Brown.
It's hosted and produced by Robin Hopkins, Rosie Acosta, Kessanga Giscome Bay, Dora
Kamau, and Eve Lewis Prieto.
Post production by Dan Crowe, Music by Scott Sorenson and Chris Marguilla.
It was developed by Ash Jones, Scott Sorenson, Robin Hopkins, and Baron Farmer.
And a special thanks to Danny Kurosumi and Colleen Lux.
