Hello. Today I wanted to talk about something super fun.
Something super fun, something super lighthearted. something super good vibes, hashtag good vibes.
I don't know. That's just the mood I'm in today.
So today I wanted to talk about my anxiety.
Yay! Yay! I wanted to talk about it because it's one of the most challenging things I deal with on a daily basis.
I've struggled with a lot of different mental health issues Okay?
Anxiety is definitely not the only one, but...
I would say anxiety has been the most challenging overall.
And it just never really seems to go away for me.
It's something that I'm constantly... battling.
And so I just wanted to talk about it today. talk about my experience, talk about how I deal with it, and that's what's on the agenda. this episode is brought to you by Squarespace have you ever been shopping online and the website just Gave you the ick.
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Things people love. I would say my anxiety started at birth.
I don't think a day has gone by in my life when I haven't been anxious.
And that's very different than the other mental health struggles I've had because my struggle with, say, depression. came on when I was in high school. et cetera.
Like, everything else I've dealt with has... kind of showed up later in life, whereas my anxiety has been with me since day one.
And I would say the way that it showed itself when I was a kid was was in my emotional attachment to my parents, And then when I wasn't around my parents, stuffed animals.
I grew up an only child and I was very attached to my parents.
They have always been my world. They've always been my best friends.
They've always been my only... place of comfort, that is my parents to me.
And I'm so grateful for that because I know that that is not necessarily... a super common experience and I've just always been very dependent on them. for better or for worse.
I don't know if that's necessarily a good thing.
And when I was a child, I had a really hard time separating with them at any point.
So when I would have to go to preschool or...
I would have to go to a play date with my friends.
I would break down. And so I began coping with that by... replacing my parents with a stuffed animal.
If I couldn't be with my parents, I'd be with a certain stuffed animal.
I started associating stuffed animals with my parents.
Usually because they would give me these stuffed animals and then I would feel like there was a piece of them in these stuffed animals.
So I had quite a few over the years. I had one named Biggie Big.
This is probably the most iconic stuffed animal I had in my childhood.
It's even tattooed on my arm. If you're watching the video episode, you can see it's this little bunny on my arm here.
Biggie Big was like my best friend. Okay, when I was feeling scared, anxious, uncomfortable, I could take Biggie Big's ear and I could suck my thumb and rub Biggie Big's ear on my lip.
How I figured out that this made me feel safe and comfortable and less anxious, I don't know.
But it distracted me. It made me feel comfortable.
And that was the coping mechanism I had for my anxiety as a child.
But unfortunately, Biggie Big was a little bit too big, okay?
He was like a foot tall or maybe 10 inches tall.
And when I started going to school, preschool, I couldn't bring Biggie Big with me.
So I had to find another stuffed animal.
So I had a little tabby cat. that I used to bring around with me.
I also had a little teeny dog stuffed animal that I'd keep in my pocket, a tiny little dog.
Like it was maybe the size of a clementine orange, you know, like pretty tiny.
And I always had to have a little stuffed animal with me.
And if I didn't, I felt naked. I did not like feeling alone.
I've always felt very alone in the world, when I was not with my parents.
I felt vulnerable, I felt scared. And it was torture for me.
I was always the kid who didn't want to sleep over.
When everybody was having a sleepover, I was always the kid that... had to leave the birthday party early because they were anxious and wanted to go see their parents.
That was always me. I remember one time I was at a park in my neighborhood.
And I fell into a river. There was like a river that ran next to the park.
And... the little tiny dog stuffed animal that I always kept in my pocket fell out into the river.
Now, to add some significance to this little dog thing, stuffed animal.
His name was Mikey Mike. So if I refer to him as Mikey Mike, now you understand.
Mikey Mike... was given to me by my dad, and every time I would miss him, or feel scared or feel anxious, I'd reach into my pocket and I would hold on to Mikey Mike and I'd squeeze Mikey Mike And I would focus on squeezing Mikey Mike and eventually I would calm down.
So Mikey Mike falling out of my pocket and starting to flow down The river made me lose my mind.
I was freaking out. I was crying. My friend was trying to help me find it.
Eventually we find Mikey Mike. Thank God.
Okay. He's covered in dirt. He's disgusting.
I didn't care. Got home, washed him off, put him back in my pocket.
Mikey Mike was always in my pocket. It wasn't just like I enjoyed these stuffed animals. because they were my little friends, it was my only sense of comfort at the time. when my parents weren't around.
My emotional attachment to... objects lasted until I was probably eight or nine years old, especially with Biggie Big, my bunny. my little bunny doll thing with the ear and I would suck my thumb and rub the ear on my lip every day.
And obviously, it got to a point where where I couldn't do that in public, obviously, you know?
Like, I was doing that, sucking my thumb with...
Biggie Big's ear. until I was eight or nine years old.
Yes, it did get to a point where it was like, okay, I can't do that anymore in public.
So it became something I just did at home.
But I needed that to cope with how scared I was of everything.
I didn't understand why I was so scared.
Like I just constantly felt scared and uncomfortable, but eventually my anxiety kind of calmed down.
In middle school and high school, I definitely did have... anxiety, but it was more social You know, I would get anxious that people didn't like me.
I would get anxious that I did something embarrassing.
I was so focused on social interactions that my anxiety was mainly rooted in that rather than having separation anxiety from my parents.
But I would say this was a period of my life that I was actually doing pretty good with my anxiety.
Middle school and high school I was more depressed.
But that's a story for another day. We're talking about anxiety today.
Now, my anxiety was pretty good for those teen years, the worst was yet to come.
Looking back now, I still acknowledge that I struggled with it and I still empathize with myself. then, but my god, it really only got worse.
So... I consider that time minor anxiety now in comparison to what I deal with now.
But I think the reason why I wasn't anxious was because I was so distracted.
You know, middle school and high school for me was a time of such growth. that I didn't even have the mental space to be anxious almost.
I was so focused on... daily life in a way that almost gave me no room to have anxiety about things that are more existential.
I was worried about the small mundane little details of daily life.
Oh, am I gonna make it to school on time?
Oh, Am I going to have a date to homecoming?
Oh, am I going to... sit with my friends at lunch today or are they going to be being mean to me or Oh, do I want to hang out with that girl?
She's kind of... pissing me off recently.
Like, I think I need a break from her. Like, that was the type of shit I was thinking about.
It's interesting that when I was a child...
I was anxious about my parents and something happening to them.
And that is like a far more existential anxiety than what I was experiencing in middle school or high school.
It's interesting to me because it's like I almost experienced... a less sophisticated form of anxiety in middle school and high school. than I did as a very young child.
It's almost like my very young, mind was able to see the bigger picture.
And then I lost sight of that in middle school and high school and was only really anxious about surface-level bullshit that didn't really matter.
Whereas I would argue me having anxiety about my parents is incredibly rational.
Me having anxiety about whether or not a boy likes me and it literally destroying me.
You know, like that to me is stupid and much more normal.
I would say too. Like that's an anxiety that everybody deals with.
I wouldn't say that's necessarily a demonstration of... actually having an issue with anxiety, right?
But long story short, middle school and high school, I don't know.
I don't think my anxiety was that bad. It was pretty normal, I would say.
It wasn't excruciating. It wasn't ruining my life.
It wasn't controlling me. It was a lot milder and it was about a lot less serious topics than when I was a young child.
Then I had a weird turn of events in my life.
And all of a sudden, I start making videos on YouTube. and I start gaining followers on Instagram, and I start gaining followers on YouTube, and I start gaining followers on Twitter.
And all of a sudden I'm like, whoa, what the fuck?
And then about a year after that, I have somewhat of a career on the internet.
Now, this is when the anxiety starts to creep back in. for the first time in a really big, really serious way.
I think what re-triggered my anxiety in a big way was the fact that all of a sudden, I was like incredibly accessible by whoever wanted to access me through the internet.
I felt exposed to the world. Even though it the entire world was not fucking watching my YouTube channel.
Because anyone could if they wanted to, you feel exposed.
And that sort of triggered some anxiety for me.
The fact that anyone could be out there watching me. somebody who's creepy, a fucking murderer.
Anyone, anyone out there could be watching me.
And that started... to freak me out. And then I had another wave of anxiety starting to feel like, wait a minute, I don't deserve this. to have people watching me, paying attention to me on the internet.
I don't deserve this. And that started to give me anxiety, having all this imposter syndrome, feeling like I don't deserve what I've built in a way.
As my career on the internet grew more, I started to feel isolated because I started to realize that it was not as easy to make genuine friends now that I have maybe more to offer in the eyes of people.
And I need to be more careful. And I'm much more prone to get taken advantage of.
Now this made me very anxious because what I realized was, is the only people who I know truly have my back are my parents.
And this sort of reinvigorated this anxiety around my parents, something happening to them But I want to express properly how this anxiety was not... just normal discomfort.
I would already be anxious sort of baseline and then these sorts of things would just amp it up by 10,000.
And that's what was so challenging about this time in my life when I was... growing my career on the internet already with this sort of baseline of having anxiety.
You know, it's like when a lot of anxiety inducing things happen to you and you already are just anxious baseline, it can become so overwhelming so fast because... your resting position is being anxious.
And then it's like you add on all this shit and it's like, oh my God, it's so much... mentally to handle.
So I started to become anxious about my parents again, realizing that They might be the only people I have who truly care about me for me as a human being and aren't trying to gain something from their relationship with me.
I knew that they didn't, but I didn't know that about anyone else.
And That was god awful. And then in between all of those big moments where I had big explosions of anxiety due to me already being anxious and then something else happening on top of it.
I was having these little struggles here and there that, were less explosive maybe, but still... challenging.
And I think the way I coped with my worsened anxiety after middle school and high school, was through a few things.
You know, I'm looking back at the last few years at how I've coped with my anxiety.
And I've kind of tried everything, There was a period of time when I... spent all my time with people, you know?
I was constantly around friends, constantly around people. never alone, never giving myself a moment to sort of be alone in my anxious thoughts.
I've also dealt with it through... Being super emotionally invested in... romantic relationships I've been in.
Like, I can remember one in particular many years back where...
I was just so focused on the relationship because it was a distraction for me.
It was like a drug. I also would say that there's been times when I've sort of drank alcohol and I mean, I'm very grateful for this.
I don't think I've ever abused alcohol. or any substance for that matter, to help with my anxiety.
But I definitely have had phases in my life when I've been drinking a lot. just like on a frequent basis to sort of get the edge off.
But what I learned from that was that, you know, alcohol makes anxiety far worse.
You know, you wake up the next morning after drinking and you have worse anxiety than you had the day before, you know, times 10.
So I learned that fast. But those were some of my coping mechanisms.
Although I would say none of them worked.
None of them worked. And so my anxiety continued to get worse and worse and worse and worse.
And I would say the past year has been one of the hardest years years for me with my anxiety thus far.
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So now that you sort of have my anxiety history, now let's jump to today.
In order to jump to today, I need to tell you a story.
And I've actually told this story before.
So if you've heard it before, just relax and I'll make it quick.
So... I have always wished that I could smoke weed.
I've always wanted to smoke weed because everybody's like, Emma, like you're so anxious all the time.
If you could just smoke weed, everything would be better.
Like you need to smoke weed. It's so helpful.
I've always been like, okay, I will, sure.
Like I will do anything, sure. And I've tried smoking weed a few times.
I have an entire episode about weed. So if you want to go check that out, go ahead.
But I've tried a few times and it's been awful pretty much every time.
The first time I smoked a dab pen, okay?
Lost it. Had a panic attack, freaked out, whatever.
Smoked a joint once. One little teeny little poop.
Off the joint, super cool, super lit, had a total freak out. thought I was time traveling.
Like, I'm not kidding. I have a terrible reaction to weed.
And then there's been a few other times too.
Every time I tried it, absolute chaos. Total panic attack, total freak out.
Not good. Okay, and so I just kind of decided that weed was not for me.
But then I got introduced to these weed gummies, these edibles, and I was like, okay, cool.
And so I took an edible one night and it, It was actually really great.
I was like, this is what weed is all about. okay, cool.
I just felt relaxed and sleepy and that was it.
And I was like, okay, this is great. Maybe I could get into this.
So then for a few months I was actually taking edibles. in small doses, just to kind of get me relaxed at the end of the day.
And it was great. It was like a total part of my routine for a little bit there.
And I felt like it was actually really helping me.
I felt overall calmer. in my life during that time.
And it could have totally been placebo, but I don't know.
I felt like There was no harm being done by me taking these edibles to fall asleep at night.
And then something bad happens. So I... Took my edibles one night to go to sleep and I'm scrolling through Instagram and The way I'm about to describe this, you're going to not understand what I'm saying, but just really try here.
So imagine this, I'm scrolling on Instagram and I see a post.
And it was like a weird post. It was like something that kind of caught my eye, but I kept scrolling And then in my mind, while I'm high, I'm like, wait, did I see that? was that post real?
And then I scroll back up in my feed to go see if I could find it.
So I scroll back up, couldn't find it. Then I start freaking out because I'm like, did I fucking imagine? that I saw that?
Did I not actually see that? And so I start freaking out.
I start kind of having a panic attack. And I hadn't had a panic attack in a while.
And actually before that point, I only had maybe had a handful of panic attacks in my life. a real full-fledged panic attack.
But in this moment, I had a panic attack and I started to feel so weird.
I felt like time was moving really slowly.
I felt like I wasn't in my body. And obviously when you're high, you already kind of don't feel like you're in your body in a little way.
But this was like a whole new level. This was a whole new feeling I'd never felt.
I felt like I was... 50 feet outside of my body.
My mind and body could not have felt more disconnected.
I almost felt like I had amnesia in a way.
Like I felt like I couldn't remember anything.
Like everything felt... foreign to me. Like when I looked around the room, I was like, I don't even know where I am.
Like, is this even my fucking house? Like, I was like looking around like...
Whatever. I looked in the mirror. I was like, I don't even recognize this person.
Everything around me felt foreign to me.
And time was moving so slowly. And I called my dad.
I'm freaking out. And I'm like, I think I'm having...
I took an edible, I'm freaking out. And he started, you know, calming me down.
I texted my boyfriend. I'm like, what do I do?
What do I do? And I'm just having a fucking meltdown.
I'm having a full panic attack. My body is shaking.
I'm like... losing it. And I couldn't remember things properly.
Like I would start to talk and And then I would forget what I was talking about.
And then I'd remember... And then I'd forget.
And it was like my memory was coming in and out.
I thought that I was... destroyed permanently.
I thought I would never... recover from whatever I was experiencing then.
And it was the most terrifying feeling I've ever felt in my life.
Hands down, and the most terrifying part, was not the panic attack itself, me hyperventilating, me shaking uncontrollably, all that.
It was what was happening in my mind. I... was unable to think clearly in a way that I had never experienced before.
I'd had panic attacks before where I'd completely lost it.
I was so scared. I was so anxious. It was unbearable to a point where I have a panic attack and my whole body reacts and I'm shaking and hyperventilating, and my mind's racing, and I've experienced that.
But in that state, I'm thinking... Clearly.
I'm almost thinking too fast. right? But when I had this experience while high, it was almost like I couldn't think at all.
And I didn't even feel like I was in my body at all.
And it was so fascinating. fucking scary.
This is why I'm never touching weed again.
You will never see me high again, ever, because...
Not only was that experience so traumatizing, But I've had experiences similar to that since then without the influence of weed.
And that's why the last year has been so hard for me because what I discovered was dissociating.
And I had never experienced dissociating as a part of my anxiety before.
Now I'll explain to you what dissociating is.
Dissociating, according to mayoclinic.org, is feeling disconnected from yourself and the world around you.
For example, You may feel detached from your body or feel as though the world around you is unreal.
Everyone's experience with dissociation is different. betterhealth.vic.gov.au.
Wow. Okay. says mental illnesses such as OCD, panic disorder, and post-traumatic stress disorder may cause similar symptoms to dissociative disorder.
Okay, my point of that is many people can experience it, this sort of sensation in many different ways.
But this experience with weed was the first time I had ever dissociated.
And the reason why I don't think I've really talked about it much before is because I genuinely don't know how to explain the sensation.
I've tried to explain it to my parents, I've tried to explain it to my friends, who don't experience it.
I've tried to explain it to my boyfriend.
It doesn't matter. Nobody understands unless they've experienced it.
I remember people I knew, friends I used to have, telling me that they were dissociating and that they were like, It was uncomfortable.
And I was always like, what are you talking about?
I don't get it. I could not comprehend what that feeling felt like until I experienced it myself.
Because it's such a bizarre fucking feeling.
But... For whatever reason, ever since that day, I have consistently struggled with more panic attacks and more feelings of dissociating.
I'm going to try to further describe it.
I found a little excerpt online. It can also be described as feeling detached from yourself. like in a dreamlike state, feeling weird or off kilter and like everything is surreal.
The disconnection that you can feel between your mind and body when you dissociate can make it so hard to be social.
And prior to this point in my life, I had never really struggled with being social.
I mean I struggled with being away from my parents and being social. when I was a child, but when it came to talking to people, I would say I was pretty normal.
If I had any sort of... anxiety, it was not out of the ordinary.
Once I was a little bit more grown up and mature, Obviously when I was a child, it was different.
But going to dinner, like, okay, going to dinner with a friend never made me anxious, right?
I would just be excited. But now that I fear at any given moment I could start dissociating and feeling weird getting that weird feeling That scares me because when I feel like that, I can't think clearly at all.
When I'm dissociating, I don't feel like I'm in control of what I'm... saying or thinking, although I am And that's what's so bizarre about it.
It makes no sense. It's completely contradictory.
It's like... On one hand, I feel completely out of control.
I feel like I can't think clearly, therefore I can't Speak clearly.
But what's weird is I can't. I'll find when I'm dissociating, I'm having conversations. but I don't even feel like I'm there.
I'm not even consciously thinking about what I'm saying.
I'm just saying. When I reflect on it, I'm like, I didn't even say anything weird.
How is that possible? But this whole experience has made me a lot more socially anxious. because I fear that I might dissociate when I'm in a social situation. and say something weird or just feel out of control in general.
And that scares me. And what scares me even beyond that is the fact that when I dissociate, I tend to get a panic attack. because I'm so scared of the feeling of dissociating that it makes me have a panic attack.
The whole thing is so challenging. But I also understand that this is just a normal part of the way that my brain works.
And... Everything's okay. I'm okay. The world around me is okay.
The thing about anxiety is that anxiety is not real.
Irrational anxiety... which is the majority of the anxiety that I feel, is not real.
I'm not losing my mind. I'm not gonna permanently feel that way.
It's just a moment in time. But it's so hard to remember that.
And the first year or so that I was experiencing... this sort of pattern of general anxiety and, mixed with this feeling of dissociating, mixed with... a higher frequency of panic attacks, was just so exhausting for me.
And the thing is... It wasn't even happening for a reason.
Like, don't get me wrong. There were things that would sometimes trigger it, maybe.
But there were also times when it just would come out of nowhere.
Like I would just start disassociating for no reason.
And for the first year or so that I was experiencing all of this, I was a wreck because every time I would feel it, I'd be like, this is the time. that it's never gonna go away.
I'm gonna be stuck with it. It's almost like when you're crossing your eyes and then your mom says, They're going to get stuck that way.
That's like what I was saying to myself every time I would have a panic attack, every time I'd dissociate.
I was like... This is going to last forever.
I'm never going to get out of this feeling.
I'm going to be stuck with this forever and it's going to kill me.
But then it passes and I'm fine again. And sometimes weeks will go by and I won't dissociate.
I've had like a month go by where I haven't dissociated.
I've had weeks go by where I don't have a panic attack.
I've had a month go by where I don't have a panic attack I never know when this stuff's going to happen.
But I will say that at this point, I've found a lot of ways to deal with it.
And I wanted to share those with you. Things that I've learned that help with more intense anxiety, and even just normal day-to-day anxiety.
Anxiety in general. I've had to figure out ways to deal with this because...
It's almost like survival in a way. I have to figure out how to deal with this in the right way Because I don't have a choice.
And so I'm going to share with you some of the ways I personally deal with my issue with this.
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Please fuse responsibly. The first thing that I do is I reflect on what I need.
Sometimes when I'm anxious, when I'm having a panic attack, when I'm dissociating, I need to talk to someone.
I need to call my parents. I need to call... one of my friends.
I need to call my boyfriend. I need to call someone. sometimes that is the last thing I want to do and I need to be alone.
And if I'm in a public setting, I might just need to go to the bathroom for a second in those moments.
When I'm not alone, but I need to be alone really quick, I'll take what I can get.
You need to ask yourself, what do you need right now?
And that's so important because I think a lot of times we don't ask ourselves what we need. and instead we just do what we think we need, without asking.
Does that make sense? Like a lot of people talk about how when you're anxious or panicking, you need to talk it out with someone.
But there's also a lot of people that say that when you're anxious or panicking, you need to just take deep breaths on your own.
A lot of people are giving advice left and right about what the right thing to do is when you're struggling with anxiety or whatever.
The only person who knows what they need is you.
So don't listen to the little voice in the back of your head Telling you, well, I read something online that says that when you're anxious, you should be alone. or I read something online that says when you're anxious, you should not be alone.
Don't listen to anything that you've ever heard in the past.
Don't listen to... any advice that anyone's ever given you, ask yourself, what do I need right now?
And there's a chance that you might ask yourself what you need.
And it's like your brain's telling you, I need to be alone.
So then you go and have a moment alone and then you're like, this is making it worse.
Check in with yourself. every minute and ask yourself, okay, what do I need now?
What do I need now? And just keep adjusting what you're doing until it eventually passes.
In a really scary moment, like when you're having a panic attack or you are dissociating, Those are moments when you need to be heavily checking in with yourself like every few seconds, honestly. because it's so intense.
Another thing I do or try to do is let it happen.
When I'm in a moment of fear, I try to just close my eyes and let it happen. it draws out the whole process when you try to fight against it.
If you're about to have a panic attack and you start fighting against it, you will probably lose that battle.
I've had a few times when I've almost had a panic attack.
Like I felt it happening. I felt it coming on.
I've started to shake and like I can't breathe and it like starts to happen.
And then I've taken deep breaths and I've calmed myself down. and I've been able to not get it, that usually is in social settings.
But it's tough. Like sometimes you just have to go walk into the bathroom in the middle of a dinner party and have a fucking panic attack, hyperventilate, cry if you need to, like just let it all out.
And then once it's over, you just... and you feel better, you've released it. this is just my experience.
Again, I'm not like a fucking, I'm not a doctor.
I'm not a psychologist. I'm not a therapist.
So I'm just telling you how I deal with this stuff, but...
Somebody else might have a completely different experience where they're like, no, I have to fight against my panic attacks, not let them happen.
And that's what makes me feel better. Listen.
I don't know for sure. This is just what works for me.
Continuing on. I let myself have the panic attack.
I let myself dissociate. I let myself get really, really anxious.
I just let it happen. I let it pass and then I'm able to properly move forward.
That's the only way that I can get through it.
And I try to just accept it while it's happening.
Instead of fighting against it and being like, no, Emma, you need to stop.
You can't feel this way. Stop. Think about something else.
Think about something else. Think about something else.
I just try to sit in the feeling a little bit and address it head on. in a way, but that's a lot easier said than done. because when you're having a panic attack, it can be hard to stop for a minute and say, this will pass soon.
Like just, Let yourself hyperventilate.
Let yourself freak out. Instead, I find myself fighting against it. you know, trying to stop it, trying to like I don't know, convince myself that it's not happening or something.
It's all a really weird psychological... battle in your mind when you're going through it.
I think my favorite way to sort of not fight against it, but also to try to make it better is to number one, take deep breaths, which I know sounds so...
Ridiculous, but I cannot even tell you how much. deep breathing has helped me through the last year of my life with all this anxiety and I mean, I'm deep breathing all day.
I start to feel myself get really anxious and my heart starts speeding up and I can feel it. and my chest starts to get tight and I start to feel like I can't breathe.
And I know I'm like, okay, something, my body is anxious.
Like, I don't know, like I'm, something's beginning here. even if my mind is actually fine.
Sometimes my body beats me to it. It's really interesting. if I feel anxious in my head or in my body, I just start deep breathing.
Like I breathe into my nose. breathe out my mouth, breathe in my nose, breathe out my mouth, and I just keep doing it.
And while I'm doing that, I'm focused on my breath on one hand, But I'm also letting my mind just run through what it's running through.
And I just keep deep breathing until my mind eventually slows down.
It's not easy though. And I know that. I don't want to make it sound easy because it is fucking hard.
I also don't force myself to do anything challenging if I'm having a panic attack or I'm dissociating.
Like if I start to feel it coming on and I'm trying to write an email and I'm not gonna keep trying to write that email.
I'm gonna stop what I'm doing immediately."
And I'm going to start deep breathing. I'm going to lay down flat and just close my eyes. and just relax.
I'm going to go in the bathroom and count to 50.
I'm going to do something that just distracts me and relaxes me for a second. while my mind sort of gets back to a manageable place.
I don't even know why it works. Because when I'm in the bathroom, say counting to 50, It's like I'm counting to 50 and I'm deep breathing.
But I'm also... panicking simultaneously.
It's all happening at once. But there's something about doing a little task like deep breathing or counting to 50, that slows your brain down a little bit. while not completely distracting you or trying to take the attention away from what's happening in your mind.
And last but not least, I have to remind myself that it's going to pass because in those moments, you're so scared.
And you feel like you're going to feel like that forever.
And you're not. And that's what you have to remember.
But it's so fucking hard because when you're in it, you're like, I'm stuck here.
My brain is going to feel like this forever.
I'm never going to get out of this, and I'm stuck like this, and I'm never going to get out of this, and it makes it worse.
Thank you. Honestly, half of the time when I'm having a panic attack or I'm dissociating and then it causes a panic attack, My biggest fear is that that feeling is never gonna go away.
But the truth is it will go away. You know, it will pass.
And so I just have to remind myself of that, remind myself that this is normal.
This is just part of being a human. Everything's going to be okay.
This is not necessarily a rational reaction to anything that's actually going on.
Don't get me wrong, you can get a panic attack about something and it be rational.
But what I'm talking about is me just getting a panic attack for no reason.
Me just dissociating for no reason. Those are the hardest moments because there's no way to rationalize why my brain is doing what it's doing.
And so it's extra scary for me. And so in those moments, I have to remind myself that it's going to pass over and over again.
I'm like, this will pass. This will pass.
And then it does and then it's fine. Anyway, you guys, this is a very complicated topic and it's a very, very upsetting thing to deal with And if you deal with anxiety regularly, panic attacks, dissociating, anything like that, I really truly feel for you. because it is so fucking awful.
And whether it's triggered by a life event or it's triggered by nothing at all, It feels like the end of the world in those moments and it's one of the most excruciating things I've ever felt.
There's no easy fix to it, you know? But I think getting to a place where you... can remind yourself that it's going to pass and getting to a place where You can calm yourself down without... trying to push the experience away, if that makes sense. is the best way to be.
Acknowledging and accepting the fact that you are scared and you're freaking out.
Telling yourself you're going to ride it all the way through is and you're going to come out the other side feeling much better, coming to that conclusion and figuring out how to handle it that way, I think is really, really helpful.
But anyway, that's all I have for today.
Thank you guys for listening. Thank you guys for hanging out.
Listen to Anything Goes every Sunday and every Thursday.
You can check out Anything goes on Instagram at anything goes or on Twitter at AG podcast.
You can check out my coffee company, Chamberlain Coffee.
Use code AG15 for a little discount. And that's all I got for today.
Thank you guys so much for listening. Thank you for hanging out.
And I hope that this was helpful for somebody out there who's dealing with the same thing, just to feel a little less alone or to maybe hear an experience from somebody who deals with something that someone you know deals with.
Did that make sense? Okay. I have to go.
I appreciate and love you all. And I'll I keep forgetting to give you guys forehead kisses.
Forehead kiss. Okay, I love you guys. Talk later.
