Hey, it's Marielle.
I want you to raise your hand if you've been personally victimized by dating apps.
Yeah, that's a Mean Girls reference.
I am a millennial.
Sue me.
But seriously, why is it that so many people hate dating apps, absolutely hate them, but still feel like they have to be on them?
I recently just did a talk in New York and a lot of people it was on relationship science and The factors of interpersonal attraction.
This is relationship scientist and marriage and family therapist Marissa Cohen.
I had a line of people that came up to me at the end of the talk and they were saying I feel like I have to be on the apps.
It feels like everyone is needing that way, or there's the expectation that I could only find my partner using this approach.
Now, we've done a whole episode on how to date outside of the apps, and I'm a big proponent of that.
But a lot of people still want to try them.
And, as Marissa puts it, they can be an access point, a way to meet people that you wouldn't otherwise.
There's going to be some that you click with, some that you don't, and some that you certainly just do not want to have ever crossed paths with.
But it seems like the key is keeping the apps in perspective.
They are not the only way you can meet people.
They are not a second job you're supposed to take on.
You can get addicted to them, and you may be using them for the wrong reasons.
You think and say you're looking for a romantic connection, but actually you're looking for validation or you got sucked into the game.
On this episode of Life Kit, I talk to Marissa about how to have a healthier relationship with dating apps if you are going to use them.
We'll talk about how to set boundaries for yourself around the apps, how to be clear about what you want and waste as little time as possible in the dating app messaging vortex.
And we'll also go through the signs that your app use is becoming unhealthy.
That's coming up after the break.
When I was using the apps, I noticed that I felt drawn in by them in a similar way that I feel drawn in by my phone in general that they can have an addictive quality.
And I would often find myself swiping mindlessly and also just feeling bad after every time I opened the app.
100%.
I mean dating apps.
Just like with any other app, it's gamified.
You'll get notifications maybe, depending upon what app you're using.
Someone sent you a like someone sent you a rose and it's a little dopamine.
Hit every time you get that notification.
So it keeps you in it, and there's intermittent reinforcement, which is basically the same principles that slot machines operate under.
So we're always waiting for that hit that like that match to, And it certainly can keep us in this cycle of always being on your phone, always staying connected.
And then beyond that, a lot of people approach dating apps almost with this fear of what if I'm not active and the person that I click with or the person that I'm supposed to meet and I'm putting that in air quotes is on the app and active at that time and I'm not there to talk to them.
So it almost keeps people in this place of needing to constantly monitor who's new on the app, who's sending messages, and it can really just take a will fill up their social calendar completely with dates.
And then this ends up feeling like a second job.
Exactly.
I actually had a friend who during grad school, you know, her mantra was it's a numbers game.
It's a numbers game.
And she used to set it up that she wanted to meet every single potential partner in her dating pool.
And she would go for a lunch date and dinner date six out of seven days of the week and was just like let me cycle through as many of my matches as quickly as possible.
And she really just wound up getting burnt out pretty quickly.
What are some ways people can set boundaries around the apps?
So I think that it depends upon the person and what feels comfortable for them.
Some people, it might look like engaging with the apps just for a limited amount of time per day, or only certain days of the week, or maybe just opening up their profiles one time per week or a couple of times per month.
Again, you really have to get a sense of, am I experiencing burnout?
Am I starting to approach these dates in a frustrated way that won't lead to a good outcome.
And then based upon that, that's how you set your boundary.
For some people, it just helps them to take a break entirely for a specified period of time, which is until they feel ready to approach dating again.
That's, And this might be a little hard to track.
But if you said to yourself like all right, if I'm going to use the dating apps, I'm only allowed to swipe on, I don't know, 20 people today.
That can be helpful because a lot of people just kind of like it's like it almost becomes a fun game and people are kind of quickly going through the profiles, often just looking at the photo and maybe just like a tagline, and they aren't reading the actual bios.
So if you swipe too quickly, you're potentially missing out on some incredible people that, had you otherwise met them, let's say like through friends, or started a conversation with them in the real world you might've actually been interested in them.
Because there's that whole idea of there's an infinite number of people in my dating pool.
So I can just like quickly go through hundreds of profiles, especially if you're in like a large urban area like New York City or Boston or Philadelphia.
It's like there's so many people on the app that you can just, it can become a game.
Takeaway one, set boundaries with yourself around your app use.
Dating apps are gamified to keep you coming back.
Make sure you're using them, not letting them use you.
Consider time blocking.
For instance, you could say I'm only going to open these apps at a designated time for half an hour and then block them the rest of the time.
Or you could try limiting your number of swipes.
Like I'm only going to swipe on 15 people tonight. whatever number you choose.
After that, I'm closing the app.
The idea here is to embrace a slower pace to dating and to not let the fear of missing out drive your behavior.
It seems like it's a good idea, if you're using dating apps, to also be really honest with yourself about what you're using them for.
Absolutely.
I think that you know, some people are just scrolling through them, just kind of surveying, like who is potentially out there for me?
But like what's what's the end goal here?
Are you looking for a relationship?
And what type of relationship are you looking for?
And it's also helpful to make sure that your profile matches your true intentions.
And that's the first thing I tell people is a lot of people try to optimize their profile.
So they're going to get presented to as many people as possible and they're trying to like figure out.
Well, what is it in my profile that will stand out to others?
What might they want?
But if that doesn't accurately represent who you are as a person, that match isn't going to work out for you in the long run anyway.
Yeah.
You're just making the whole experience more chaotic for yourself and for them.
Exactly.
And that's why people get frustrated, because they see these profiles and maybe pick up on one aspect of them, start to engage in conversation and everything seems great great, great.
But then all of a sudden, when you meet in person, you find out that this individual doesn't share the same interests, or maybe hyped up an aspect of their life that you were really attracted to, and then that's not really a big part of their life.
So represent yourself as you are, because that's how you're going to attract the kind of people who appreciate you.
Takeaway two be clear with yourself about why you're using the apps.
Ask yourself, in an ideal scenario, what are you hoping to find on the apps?
Love, sex, friendship, validation, excitement.
And what are you actually finding?
And then be clear with other people in your profile and in your conversations.
What are some examples of ways to be more direct in your profile?
Look, a profile is difficult because it's static and human beings are dynamic, of course.
So it's really hard to showcase your true personality in a way that's going to really allow yourself to shine through on a little bio.
But I tell people to make sure that most people spend time on photos, the most time on photos.
And that's what they're making a lot of their decisions on, unfortunately.
But showcase in your photos different aspects of your life that are important to you.
If you are someone who doesn't like to travel, but you perceive that people wanna hear that you're a world traveler.
So you put as your main photo that one time that you went on vacation.
That's not a great representation of you.
So showcase if you're an animal lover, it should be a picture with, like your dog or cat or whatever pet you have.
If you know you like to volunteer, maybe a photo volunteering like display the aspects of your life that are important.
And then in your bio, just also make sure that it matches and you reflect that.
One thing I always hated was messaging with strangers and making small talk for people.
So I started writing in my profile, I don't like to be on my phone a lot.
So if we match, let's set up a quick video call to feel out the vibe and see if we want to meet in person.
I love that.
I tell people that they should get to the first date as quickly as they can that they feel comfortable with.
That's kind of like that first almost screener of are we able to hold a conversation rather than just become pen pals?
But I think that going on these long, protracted conversations through the app or even texting, that's not really helping you learn who the person is.
You really have to assess that compatibility face-to-face.
Yeah.
It's so awkward when you meet somebody who you've been texting with and then you're like you don't really look like your picture, or you just don't.
Your vibe is weird, or I don't like the way you smell.
Right, right.
Well, I mean, you kind of like develop this back and forth rapport with a person, and people sometimes have texting behaviors that match their personality.
Sometimes they don't, but you really need to see is this someone that I enjoy engaging with and can see myself continuing to date them?
And you're not going to really be able to suss that out through texting alone.
Takeaway three save yourself time and energy by cutting down on the messaging and getting to a date as quickly as possible.
You can signal that you want to do this in your profile.
Also consider setting up a quick 10 minute video call with prospective dates.
If they drag their feet or they keep rescheduling, move on.
This method can save you a lot of trouble.
By the way, none of what I'm saying here is a magic hack that's going to finally break the apps open for you and lead you to love.
But these tips will help you protect your sanity while you use the apps as a tool and decide if you want to keep using them.
We'll have more Life Kit after the break.
I think the maybe elephant in the room with dating apps for me was always sex.
It felt like you go on a date with someone who's a stranger and there's this neon sign blaring over your head like are you going to have sex with them?
And when?
I felt like that made it a lot harder to be on the apps, because it was almost like oh people have these expectations.
There are certainly people who are on the apps looking to hook up, looking to have sex.
There are apps that are just geared towards that, which great, but be clear about what it is that you're looking for.
Now, as far as a person who may be looking for a relationship and now feels like there's a pressure of sex, of course it's so important to move at a pace that feels comfortable for you.
I've had a lot of clients who have said, oh, the three-date rule, the three-date rule.
And this is for people that they've just met organically out there in real life or through friends.
And that's kind of like that you know by the third date, if you want to assess if it's a match, there's got to be some sort of physical intimacy at that point.
And that doesn't work for everyone.
And you need to do like you need to move at a pace that is comfortable and safe for you.
Yeah.
And I think like try to have confidence in your own boundaries. which is a challenge.
It's a challenge, but it's first taking a moment to reflect and think about what feels safe, what feels healthy for me.
And then based upon that, what are the important boundaries that I need to set?
And then it's setting and, And that's going to lead towards finding a healthy connection with another person.
The other thing I was thinking about in terms of boundaries or knowing what you're using the apps for, if you know that you don't want to be polyamorous, for instance, like where you would meet someone on the apps and then they'd be like well, I also have Like another partner, and then they have another partner.
If you know that that's not for you, I feel like it's really important to not compromise on that.
Because sometimes you'd be like, oh, but it's been a while.
I haven't been on any good dates in a while.
And here's this person.
They're so cute.
Like maybe I'll just go out with them.
But if it's really not for you, then you're just hurting yourself.
Your needs are important.
Your needs are important.
Your wants are important.
If you're looking for a monogamous relationship, you are looking for a monogamous relationship, and stop like that.
And that is fine.
If you are looking for a polyamorous relationship, that is what you are looking for.
Even if you meet a really great person who doesn't have the same relationship related goals or lifestyle orientation or whatever it is, they're not going to be a match.
They may be a great friend, but they're not going to be a match for you.
And as frustrating as that might be, that's okay.
And you need to wait for the person to that you can enter into a healthy loving, caring relationship with.
I think about this idea that comes from the negotiation world, the BATNA, the best alternative to a negotiated agreement.
And a lot of the time, if you're Your employer may assume like you're not going to walk away from this, and they may be right.
But technically in romance, you don't need a partner.
And if you, if you understand that or you really feel that, then you have a really good BATNA relationship.
Right.
Like your best alternative to dating this person who's not a good fit for you is being solo.
And that's cool.
That's great.
Yes.
I love the way that you said that.
It is much better to be happily single than to be in a relationship that isn't meeting your needs because it won't do anything for your overall well-being or your life satisfaction.
And as tempting as it could be, especially with dating apps, where there's this perception and maybe reality that there are so many people out there.
If you're constantly dipping into the pool to see like, what are my alternatives?
You're one foot out of the relationship and you're not necessarily giving your attention and focus to the relationship that you're in.
Takeaway four, don't compromise on the things that are most important to you.
And remember that not being in a relationship or being romantically involved with anyone is a perfectly good option.
Big picture.
We've talked a lot about mindset here and the kind of headspace you should be in when you're using the apps.
What are some warning signs that your relationship with dating apps is becoming unhealthy?
Like with any behavioral addiction, I'm talking specifically about app usage right now.
When there's a loss of awareness of time where you go on the app.
You're thinking I'm just going to swipe through a couple of profiles and then all of a sudden you've missed dinner or it went from being light outside to dark outside and you're like where did all this time go?
Maybe your usage is not the most helpful.
I think that if you start basically convincing yourself of, well, I should be doing this.
Once a should statement, I should be going on dates.
I should be active on the app.
There are no such thing as shoulds in this case, like you need to do what's right for you.
So if you're now comparing yourself to what you believe like ideal dating app behavior or ideal dating behavior is, or what your friends are doing, it's time to reexamine your usage.
And look.
Dating anxiety is a real thing.
So people may get very excited about the match and then start to feel a little bit nervous when the date approaches.
However, if you're finding like oh like, I can't like, I don't want to do this, or I can't like, I don't like, it seems like such a wasted night to have to when you start dreading the date.
If you set the date for like a week in advance, then as a date approaches you're just like.
I don't want to do this.
Even if the person is great, you're not going to recognize it as such.
They might pleasantly surprise you.
That might change your mood, but you're not giving them the best version of you.
So it's going to be a waste of both of your time.
So that might be time to re-examine as well.
That's also times when people are more likely to settle and they're just like eh person's good enough.
It's an item that I have to take off of my to-do list.
And that may cause a person to forego some of the things that they were really looking for in a partner, because it's truly important to them.
And that relationship is not going to be set up for success.
Takeaway five, pay attention to how you use the apps.
If you notice that you're getting sucked in, like you're just swiping, swiping, swiping, and then all of a sudden you miss dinner or an important meeting, that's a sign to pull back.
If you're only on the apps because you think, I should be doing this, that's a sign.
If you find yourself dreading all the dates you set up, that's a sign.
Yeah, sometimes people are like, I'm tired of the apps, so you'll do.
Right.
But you can say, I'm tired of the apps, I'm going to stop using them.
Right.
Full stop.
Right.
And it's not even just the apps.
It could be dating.
It can be, I'm tired of dating right now.
I'm going to redevote my attention and energy to my friendships, to these activities that I really enjoy doing, that make me feel fulfilled.
You don't need to be on the hunt for a partner if that's not feeling like something that's true for you in that moment.
Marissa, thank you so much.
This was a great conversation.
Oh, thank you.
I really appreciate it.
All right, seekers of romance, it's time for a recap.
Takeaway one.
Set boundaries with yourself around your app use.
Dating apps are gamified to keep you coming back.
So make sure you're using them, not letting them use you.
Takeaway two, be clear with yourself about why you're using the apps.
Are you seeking love, sex, friendship, validation, excitement?
And what are you actually finding?
Then be clear with other people in your profile and in your conversations.
Takeaway three save yourself time and energy by cutting down on the messaging and getting to a date as quickly as possible.
You can say that you want to do this in your profile.
Also consider setting up a quick 10 minute video call with prospective dates.
That'll save you a lot of time too.
Takeaway four don't compromise on the things that are most important to you, and remember that not being in a relationship or being romantically involved is a perfectly good option.
And takeaway five pay attention to the way you use dating apps and if they're negatively affecting your mental health, and be willing to step away.
The last thing I want to say here is.
When I was on the apps, I started to resent the idea that something as personal as romantic love had to be mediated through this device, my smartphone.
I said, you know what?
I've had enough.
I'm not finding what I'm seeking here.
So let me stop seeking it for a, And I have learned that you absolutely can find romantic connection off the apps.
But when I stopped using them, that wasn't even the point.
The point was simply, I didn't want to do it anymore.
And once I made that decision, I felt so relieved.
This option is available to you too.
All right.
That's our show.
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Subscribe at npr.org slash Life Kit newsletter.
This episode of Life Kit was produced by Mika Ellison and Margaret Serino.
Our digital editor is Malika Garib.
Our visuals editor is CJ Rikulan.
Megan Cain is our senior supervising editor, and Beth Donovan is our executive producer.
Our production team also includes Andy Tegel, Claire Marie Schneider, and Sylvie Douglas.
Engineering support comes from Jimmy Keeley.
I'm Mariel Segarra.
Thanks for listening.
