to record you a message against speaking at the dorm.
Hi, Richard.
It's Monica.
Listen, I did something kind of crazy tonight.
Maybe I'm getting my period or something.
I don't know.
Anyway, I beeped into your machine, and I heard this message that freaked me out.
You know what?
Michelle will tell you the rest.
I'm sorry, okay?
And I hope that we can just forget the whole thing.
The outgoing message has now been changed.
Outgoing?
Did that say outgoing?
Not outgoing!
Hi, Richard, it's Monica.
Listen, I did something kind of crazy tonight.
Maybe I'm getting my period or something.
No!
How did you do that?
I don't know!
Goodbye.
No!
Hey.
Hi.
So, did you, uh, did you tell Ross?
Well, I tried, but then he had a shampoo-related emergency.
So I guess now it's your turn again.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
I think it's better if you tell him.
You know, it's easier for a woman.
That way, you know, if he gets mad, all you have to do is go, I didn't mean it.
I'm so sorry.
Yeah, because that's what we do.
All right, okay.
How about this?
How about this?
Tomorrow... Mm-hmm?
Tomorrow, we'll both go, and we'll tell them together.
Okay, that sounds fair.
That just means that once again, we can't... I know, I know.
That's okay.
I mean, we can control ourselves.
We're not animals.
No!
Of course, we can wait.
Yeah.
All right, so I guess that means good night, then.
Yep.
Good night.
Goodnight.
Goodnight.
Seriously, goodnight.
Stop saying goodnight.
Okay.
I'm so sorry.
Okay.
Here is to my sister, the newly appointed head lunch chef.
Who's also in charge of purchasing.
Newly appointed head lunch chef, who's also in charge of purchasing.
Who has her own little desk when Roland's not there.
Uh, Lunch Chef Purchasing.
Our own little desk when Roland's not there.
Here's to my little sister... Oh, wait.
And I got a beeper.
Oh, cool.
That's fine.
I'll just wait.
Oh, sorry.
Oh, sorry, sorry.
Monica!
Are we ready to order?
Oh, you know what?
We haven't even looked yet.
Well, when you do, just let me know.
I'll be right over there on the edge of my seat.
Wow, look at these prices.
Yeah, these are pretty chi-ching.
Wow, what are these, like famous chickens?
Do I dare ask?
Yes, I'll start with the carpaccio, and then I'll have the grilled prawns.
That sounds great.
Same for me.
And for the gentleman?
Yeah, I'll have the Thai chicken pizza, but hey look, if I get it without the nuts and leeks and stuff, is it cheaper.
You'd think, wouldn't you?
Miss.
Okay, I will have the side salad, and what would that be on the side of?
I don't know?
Why don't you just put it right here next to my water?
And for you I'm gonna have a cup of the cucumber soup and, take care, I will have the Cajun catfish.
Anything else?
Yes, how about a verse of Killing Me Softly?
Everyone owes 28 bucks.
Oh, yeah.
What, um, everyone?
Oh, you're right.
I'm sorry.
Thank you.
It's Monica's big night.
She shouldn't pay.
Oh, thank you.
So five of us is $33.50 apiece.
No, uh-uh, no way.
Sorry, not gonna happen.
Whoa, whoa, prom night flashback.
I'm sorry, Monica.
I'm really happy you got promoted, but cold cucumber mush for 30-something bucks?
No.
Rachel just had that little salad and Joey with his, like, teeny pizza.
It's just... Okay, Phoebe.
How about we'll each just pay for what we had, okay?
It's no big deal.
Not for you.
All right, what's going on?
Okay, look, you guys, I really don't want to get into this right now.
I think it'll just make everybody uncomfortable.
Fine.
All right, all right.
You can tell us.
Yeah, hello, it's us, all right?
We'll be fine.
Yeah.
Okay um Uh, we three feel like that.
Um, Sometimes you guys don't get that.
Uh, We don't have as much money as you.
Okay.
I hear you.
We can talk about that.
Well, then.
Let's... Well, I guess I just never think of money as an issue.
That's because you have it.
That's a good point.
So, um, how come you guys haven't talked about this before?
Because it's always something you know, like with Monica's new job or the whole Ross's birthday hoopla.
What?
Whoa hey.
I don't want my birthday to be the source of any kind of negative.
There's going to be a hoopla.
Basically, there's the thing, and then there's the stuff after the thing, and it's...
If it makes anybody feel better, then we can just forget the thing and we'll just do the gift.
Gift?
The thing's not the gift?
No, the thing was we were going to go see Hootie and the Blowfish.
Hootie and the Blowfish?
I can catch them on the radio.
No, now I feel bad.
You want to go to the concert.
No.
Look, hey, it's my birthday, and the important thing... is that we all be together.
All of us.
Together.
Not at the concert.
OK.
Yeah.
Thank you.
Thanks.
Yeah.
So the Ebola virus, that's got to suck, huh?
I didn't want to hang out with you guys two nights in a row.
I'm so sorry.
Why does she not want to hang out with us?
Because she thinks that you are blah.
And that you, Monica, are too loud.
What?
What?
So she was just pretending to have a good time last night?
She was lying to our faces?
I can't believe this.
I mean, who is she to judge us?
We could not have been nicer to her.
And I am not blah.
I am a hoot.
Come on please please, you guys, don't don't be mad.
I'm sure she just she just said that stuff because she was nervous, because you guys are like my best friends, you know, and it was our first date.
Plus she's really sick.
No, you know, you said you made that up, i know, but don't you think the sick thing is way better than the play thing?
Not about good, i generally just go with monica's drunk again.
Come on, you guys, come on.
Please, please, just give her another chance, huh?
She'll come around, I promise.
Of course we will.
Come on, we're gonna make dinner.
Okay.
I do not like that woman.
I can hear you.
I am loud.
She seems so futile, you know?
All these women and nothing.
I feel like Superman without my powers.
I have the cape, and yet I cannot fly.
Well, now you understand how I feel every single day.
Okay?
The world is my lesbian wedding.
I shouldn't even bother coming up with a line, right?
All right, look, penis schminus, okay?
We're all people.
Okay, okay, here's a good one of us.
Wow, that is a good one.
Wow, it looks like a holiday card, you know, with the tree in the middle and the skaters and the snow.
You know, every year I say I'm gonna send out holiday cards and I never do it.
Do you wanna send this one out together?
Together?
Like, to people?
Yeah, you know, happy holidays from Mona and Ross.
It'll be cute, okay?
Okay.
Oh, I gotta get to work.
So call me later?
Oh, sure, sure.
Bye, guys.
Bye.
Congratulations, you just got married.
I know, can you believe that?
Wait, I'm sorry.
What's the big deal about a holiday card?
Married couples send out cards.
Families send out cards.
People who've been dating for a couple of months do not send out cards.
What, is she crazy?
Hey, hey, hey, hey, that's your wife you're talking about.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
That is it.
You just barge in here.
You don't knock.
You have no respect for anybody's privacy.
Wait, wait, wait.
No, you wait.
This is ridiculous.
Can I just say one thing?
What?
What?
That's a relatively open weave, and I can still see your... nipular areas.
Oh!
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I could... I could...
Chandler Bing, it's time to see your thing.
What's the matter with you?
I thought it was... No, what?
You were supposed to be in there so I could see your thing.
Sorry, my thing was in there with me.
What's going on?
Clear the tracks for the Booby Payback Express.
Next stop, Rachel Green.
There.
Joey, what the hell were you doing?
Sorry, wrong boobies.
Hello, Joey.
Hello, dear.
Hi.
Hi.
I just finished getting Phoebe all dressed to meet Mike's parents.
She's so nervous.
It's so sweet.
Guess what?
I made Emma laugh today.
You what?
And I missed it?
Because I was giving a makeover to that stupid hippie?
Yeah, and it was like a real little person laugh, too.
It was like, um... Only not creepy.
Well, what did you do to make her laugh?
I, um... Well, I sang.
Actually, I rapped.
Baby got back.
You what?
You sang to our baby daughter a song about a guy who likes to have sex with women with giant asses?
But you know what?
If you think about it, it actually promotes a healthy body image.
Because even big butts or juicy doubles are...
Please don't take her away from me.
Okay.
Uh, please laugh for Mommy.
Please.
Please laugh for Mommy.
Not funny, huh?
Well, so, is it... only offensive novelty rap?
Or maybe just, you know, rap in general?
Because Mommy can rap.
My name is Mommy, and I'm here to say that all the babies are... Oh, I can't rap.
All right, sweetheart.
This is only because I love you so much, and I know that you're not gonna tell anybody.
I like babies. and I cannot lie.
You other brothers can't deny When a girl walks in with an itty-bitty waist and a round thing in your face.
Yes, yes, yes, yes.
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
You and the brothers can't deny.
Oh, Emma, you're laughing.
Oh, you are.
You really do like big butts, don't you?
Oh, you beautiful little weirdo.
Oh, you missed it.
She was laughing.
Oh, it was amazing.
It was amazing.
It was the most beautiful, beautiful sound.
Oh, I know, isn't it?
Oh, what'd you do to get her to laugh?
Oh, you know, I just, a couple of things I tried different.
Just sang a little bit of Itsy Bitsy Spider.
You sang Baby Got Back, didn't you?
Nothing else worked.
That girl is all about the ass.
She sweat, wet, got it going like a turbo vet.
So, fellas.
Yeah.
Fellas.
Yeah.
Has your girlfriend got the butt?
Hell yeah.
So shake it.
Shake it.
Shake it.
Shake it.
Shake that nasty butt.
Baby got back.
One more time from the top.
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
You are the best.
Rachel, please.
That is so inappropriate.
Oh, my God.
You still have the chipper.
The what?
That's what we used to call your motorcycle in high school.
You know what?
A motorcycle is a chopper.
And you're a chip.
Never mind.
I think it's cute.
Wow.
A lipper from a chipper.
So, you still in touch with anyone from high school?
Um, there's Rachel, and, um, I think that's it.
How about you?
Oh, yeah, I still hang with Simmons and Zana.
And I see Spindler a lot, and Levine, Kelly.
And I run into Goldie from time to time.
Stick, Browns, Olkoff, McGuire, JT, Beardsley.
Is that all?
Ah, you know, after high school, you just kind of lose touch.
Oh, yeah, I ran into Richard Dorfman.
Oh, how is he?
Not so good.
Me and Simmons gave him a wedgie.
Isn't he an architect now?
Yeah, they still wear underwear.
Hello, all.
Hi, Dad.
Hi, Mr. Bing.
Nora.
Charles.
It's so great to see you both here.
Yes.
Although I think we may be saying a little too much of some people.
Aren't you a little old to be wearing a dress like that?
Don't you have a little too much penis to be wearing a dress like that?
Oh, my God.
Anyway, I'm glad you're back.
I really need your help.
Oh, why?
What's up?
Well, I have an audition for this play, and for some of it I have to speak French which, according to my résumé, I'm fluent in.
Joey, you shouldn't lie on your résumé.
Yeah, you really shouldn't.
By the way, how was that year-long dig in Cairo?
It was okay.
I did not know you spoke French.
You're so sexy.
Well, so will you help me?
I really want to be in this play.
Sure.
To le plaisir et pour moi, mon ami.
Seriously, stop it.
I'm going to jump on you.
All right.
This seems pretty simple.
Your first line is, my name is Claude.
So just repeat after me.
Je m'appelle Claude.
Je te coupe, Claude.
Let's just try it again.
OK.
Je m'appelle Claude.
It's not quite what I'm saying.
Really?
Sounds exactly the same to me.
It does?
Really?
Yeah.
All right, let's just try it again.
Really listen.
Got it.
Oh, mon dieu.
OK, maybe if we just break it down.
OK, let's just, let's try it one syllable at a time.
OK, so repeat after me.
Great.
OK, faster.
My poo-poo.
It's too hard.
I can't teach you.
What are you doing?
I have to go before I put your head through a wall.
Don't go.
Don't go.
I need you.
My audition is tomorrow.
I'll count from one to five.
One, two, three, four, five.
Blue blue, blue.
Good job, thank you.
Hey, joey.
Listen, i feel really badly about yesterday and i thought about it a lot.
No, i was too impatient, so let's try it again.
Oh no, that's okay, i don't need your help.
I worked on it myself and i gotta say i am pretty good really.
Can i hear some of it?
Sure sure, See.
You're not... You're not... Again, you're not speaking French!
Oh, well, I think I am, yeah, and I think I'm definitely gonna get the part.
How could you possibly think that?
For one thing, the guy on the tape said I was doing a good job.
Whenever you're ready, Joey.
Right.
I'm sorry, what's going on?
Dude, come on, French it up.
Joey, do you speak French?
You know what?
I think this audition is over.
Excuse me.
I am Regine Filange.
I was passing by when I heard this man speaking the regional dialect of my French town of Estelle Oder.
You really think this man is speaking French?
Yes, sir.
Écoutez, je vais vous dire la vérité.
C'est mon petit frère.
Il est un peu retardé.
Alors, si vous pouviez jouer le jeu avec lui.
Good job, little buddy.
That was some really good French.
But I think we're going to go with someone else for the part.
Oh.
All right.
But my French was good?
It was great.
Merci.
Au revoir.
Yeah.
Well, I just called Joshua.
Oh, how'd it go?
Well, I did my best to convince him that I'm not some crazy girl who is dying to get married.
And I'm just going through a hard time.
What'd he say?
Well, uh, his answering machine was very understanding.
I feel blue.
Hey, you know who might cheer you up?
What?
You know, I gotta tell you, this really does put me in a better mood.
I wish there was a job where I could wear this all the time.
Maybe someday there will be.
Oh, God.
That's Chandler.
He's gonna come by and borrow some candles for his big date.
Oh, okay.
No, no, Rachel, don't get it.
He'll see us.
No, yeah, the groom cannot see the bride.
But you're not gonna marry Chandler.
Not after this.
Okay, guys, just relax.
Relax.
Yeah, well, that ought to do it.
Good morning, everybody.
Can I get you a cup of coffee, sir?
Oh, no, no, no.
I'm an intern, just like you guys.
Except for the tie, the briefcase, and the fact that I can rent a car.
Seriously, you're an intern?
Yeah well, I'm kind of heading in a new career direction and you know you gotta start at the bottom.
Dude.
All right, look, I know I'm a little bit older than you guys, but it's not like I'm Bob Hope.
The comedian?
U.S.O.
Uh, it's U.S.A., sir.
Hi, I'm Sandy.
Sandy, hi.
Come on in.
You brought your kids.
Yeah, that's okay, right?
You know, when I saw you at the store last week, It was probably the first time I ever mentally undressed an elf.
Wow, that's dirty.
Yeah.
Hey, kids.
What is that?
I think it's the dying cat parade.
Sounds like it's coming from across the street.
Oh, my God.
What?
You know the thing that Ross was going to do at our wedding?
He was hanging out with me yesterday, and he turned to me and he said, you're half Scottish, right?
No.
There's no way to not be Ross.
Why is your family Scottish?
Why is your family Ross?
We cannot play our wedding.
I mean, everyone will leave.
I mean, come on.
That is just noise.
It's not even a song.
Listen very carefully.
I think it's celebration by calling the game.
Well, I feel like a snack.
Do you want some shortbread?
It's Scottish, like you are.
Oh, no thanks.
I don't like anything from my Scottish heritage.
What?
Much of my entire family was run out of Scotland by... Vikings.
Well, it sounds to me like your family's ready to rediscover its Scottish roots.
You can't play bagpipes at the wedding.
How did you know about that?
We heard you play all the way from your apartment.
Were you the ones who called the cops?
That's not really important right now.
What is important is, while we appreciate the gesture, we just don't feel that bagpipes are appropriate for our wedding.
Why not?
Because we hate them.
Just give me a chance to perform for you and then decide whatever you want.
And I'm not going to tell you what song I'm going to play either, but let's just say, when it's over, I'll bet there'll be a wee bit of celebration.
Remember, I'm still learning.
One, two, three, four.
You know the song.
Sing along.
So?
No.
This is my son having lunch, okay?
It's gonna happen a lot, so you better get used to it.
Now, if you have any problem with it, if you're uncomfortable, just ask questions.
Carol's fine with it.
Come on.
Carol?
Carol?
I was just wondering if Joey could ask you a question about breastfeeding.
Sure.
Uh... Does it hurt?
He did it first, but not anymore.
Chandler?
So, uh, how often can you do it?
As much as he needs.
Oh, okay, I got one, I got one.
Uh... If he blows into one, does the other one get bigger?
Phoebe!
Monica!
I'm breaking up with you!
What?
I'm breaking up with you.
You're fired.
Why?
I'm sorry.
I'm just not ready for a relationship right now.
And I'm sorry too, but Well, I just I like things done a certain way and the chemistry's just not right.
Oh, that's good.
The chemistry thing for us, too.
Wow.
Um, okay.
Um...
I realize I came on a little strong, but it's only because I think you're so amazing.
And I just want to tell you how much I appreciate you giving me an opportunity here, because you're the most talented chef I've ever worked for.
Anyway.
Tim, wait.
Yeah?
I think I spoke too quickly.
There's a learning curve with this job, and maybe we could try it again.
Really?
Yeah.
Thank you so much, because I know I can be better.
Okay.
And, Tim, I just want to say good luck here.
Hey.
Hey, how was it?
Well, I had a great time.
Chauncey, on the other hand...
I will tell the story.
It was going great.
I let him win.
We were bonding.
He even said that I could call him dad.
And what did he ask you, not to call him?
Daddy.
All right, look, here's the story.
Well, we had just finished playing racquetball, and we were gonna take a steam.
I walk into the steam room, and it's really steamy.
So I take off my glasses, and that's when it happened.
Guys?
Over here.
Have a seat, son.
Hey!
Oh, my God, Chandler.
I can't believe it.
I know.
You gave my father a lap dance.
Why do they put so much steam in there?
Because otherwise they'd have to call it the room room.
Why, okay?
Why?
Why did that have to happen?
Come on, it's not that big a deal.
Not that big a deal.
There was touching of things.
I know you wanted to bond with my dad, but did you really have to bond to that part?
Listen, I'm sure the dad doesn't care.
He probably thought this was really funny.
He'll be telling this story for years.
I don't want him to tell this story for years.
Oh, but he will.
He still tells the story about how Monica tried to escape from fat camp.
I wasn't escaping.
Then how'd you get caught in the barbed wire?
I was trying to help out a squirrel.
You were trying to eat it.
If that is your father calling to tell this story, then the marriage is off.
Come on.
Hello?
I'm sorry, you have the wrong number.
Okay, I'll call you later, Dad.
I love you.
All right, I'm off to see your dad.
Whoa, whoa.
Aren't you a little overdressed?
Yeah, and you better make sure he tips you this time.
Look, I figured I would try to convince him not to tell the story anymore, and I figured the best way to do that was face to face.
And by face, I don't mean his lap.
And by face, I don't mean my ass.
So you understand, I'd feel a lot more comfortable if you didn't tell people what happened.
You know, I'm a little... I'm a little embarrassed about it.
I understand completely.
There's nothing more horrifying than embarrassing yourself in front of your in-laws.
As a matter of fact, when I started dating Judy, I was unemployed.
And her father asked me what I did for a living, and I told him I was a lawyer.
What'd you do when they found out?
They never did.
So if you ever see me giving them legal advice, just nod along.
Shall we?
So I guess we wear swimsuits in here brought the camera for Emma's video.
Good good, we had this idea to make a birthday video for Emma and we'll give it to her when she's 18.
Oh cool Wow, it's like a time capsule.
Oh, just think she's gonna be watching that video on a TV that hasn't even been invented yet, with friends who right now are just like babies, and they'll be living in a floating city that the humans built to escape the ant people.
That's the hope.
So is Emma awake yet?
Oh, no, it's still nap time, but she'll be up soon.
Where's Joey?
I said it's still nap time.
Hey, there's Uncle Joey.
Hey, say something to Emma on her 18th birthday.
18, huh?
Joey, no.
What?
What?
It's for her hot friends.
When they see this, you'll be 52 and starting to think about settling down.
Hi.
I can't believe Emma's already won.
I remember your first birthday.
Ross was jealous of all the attention we were giving you.
He pulled on his testicles so hard.
We had to take him to the emergency room.
There's something you didn't know about your dad.
I'll love you forever.
I'll like you for always.
As long as I'm living, my baby, you'll be.
Wow.
That was amazing.
Thank you so much for that gift.
I was not ready for this today.
Emma, your name poses a dilemma.
Because not much else rhymes with Emma.
Maybe the actor Richard Cranna, he played the commanding officer in Rambo.
Happy birthday, Emma.
Is that it?
No, of course not.
No, I've also, you know, prepared a reading.
Sex and the single mother.
Finding your G-spot.
No, no, no!
Hello, Emma.
Happy 18th birthday.
Right now, that seems so far away.
17 years.
Yes, you'll be all grown up by then, and we'll be...
Well, your grandfather and I might not be here.
That's true.
This message could be coming to you from beyond the grave, Emma.
After all, my parents died very young.
And my cholesterol's off the charts.
Remember, Emma, heart disease kills women, too.
Okay, cut.
Great, great.
That was just... Yeah.
Oh.
You know what?
While we're waiting, you guys could tape your message to Emma for her 18th birthday.
Huh?
Okay?
Hi, Emma.
It's the year 2020.
Are you still enjoying your nap?
We're Aunt Monica and Uncle Chandler, by the way.
You may not recognize us because we haven't spoken to your parents in 17 years.
We used to be married, but then we missed a weekend away together and things kind of unraveled.
Because of you.
And it was Ernst Molbrat who first hypothesized that the velociraptor, when threatened, would expand its collar and emit a high-pitched noise to frighten off its predator.
Yes, Mr. Lewis?
What kind of noise?
Just a high-pitched, intimidating noise.
But, like, how?
Well, we don't know for sure.
But in my head, it sounded something like this.
Of course, this is just conjecture.
Richard just told me he loved me.
Oh, my God.
I know.
Honey, that's great.
I know.
I just can't find something.
They're in the top drawer.
You need one, too?
Oh, yeah.
I found them.
There's only one.
Monica.
Hi.
We'll be right there.
We just, um, we're trying to decide something.
Rachel?
Hey.
Hey.
They're just trying to decide something.
Oh, good, good, good.
So, was your mustache, did it used to be different?
No.
Oh.
How do you, you know, keep it so neat?
I have a little comb.
Oh.
And what do you call that?
A mustache comb.
Okay, I will do your laundry for one month.
No.
Okay, okay, okay.
I will, I will, I will.
Hey, I will clean the apartment for two months.
All right, I'll tell you what.
I'll give this to you now if you can tell me where we keep the dustpan.
So were you in NAMM?
Rock, paper, scissors?
Got it.
One, two, three.
Yes!
Fine.
Go have sex.
No!
You have got it completely wrong.
John Savage was deer hunter, no legs.
John Voight was coming home, couldn't feel his legs.
No, no.
No way.
You've got it totally the other way around, my friend.
John Voight was... Honey?
What?
What?
Shall we?
It's not going to happen.
They're doing it tonight.
We can do it tomorrow.
Just talked to Sid.
We are definitely putting in an offer on the house.
And I'll bet we get it.
The Hitlers will be so disappointed.
All right, I got to run.
Tell Monica I say goodbye.
And I'll see you later, neighbor.
I just want you to know that I'm so happy you're going to be here.
Oh, me too.
Because that way we can pick up where we left off.
Huh?
I never stopped loving you.
Oh, my.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I want you.
I need you.
I must have you, Janice Litman-Goralnik-Nay-Hosenstein.
Chandler, what are you talking about?
Now that you live next door, we can be together every day.
Sid and Monica never have to know a thing.
I don't know what to say.
I mean, you know, obviously, we have this...
Obviously.
But I love my husband.
And I know you love your wife.
I don't think we should get this house now.
Don't say that.
Don't tangle the dream and take it away.
Chandler, one of us has got to be strong.
I understand.
Although, maybe just one last moment of weakness.
Goodbye, champion thing.
They're never coming down now.
Cab's ready.
All right, let's go.
You're welcome.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Were you speaking to me or sleeping with someone else?
We were on a break.
You know, Ross, why don't you just put that on your answering machine?
Hey, hey, it's valid, okay?
And I'm not the only one who thinks so.
Monica agrees with me.
What?
I don't know.
That's what you said last night.
What I said was was that I understood joey is the one who agreed with you.
Okay really joey, what you know what?
But there is no right or wrong here.
No, i think it's very obvious who's wrong here.
Obviously not to joey.
What?
What you're doing to chandler, my star student?
You know, you called me that before.
So i took the liberty of fashioning a star out of aluminum foil.
Now, no pressure, you like my cookies, you give me the star wow, a star.
I know you all hate me and i'm sorry, but i don't care.
Okay Joey, you're up next.
Oh, my God.
This is amazing.
You get an A. I get an A?
An A in school?
Hey, I'm a dork.
Joey, I'm so proud of you.
I think you should give him your star.
Excuse me?
He doesn't even know what he's doing.
We're all beginners here.
Nobody knows what they're doing.
I do.
I'm a professional chef.
Oh, relax.
It's not a courtroom drama.
If you're a professional chef, what are you doing taking introduction to cooking?
Yeah.
I'm sorry.
It's just that.
Um Well, I cook at this restaurant Alessandro's, and I just got a really bad review.
Oh, Alessandro's.
I love that place.
You do?
Oh, yes.
You're an excellent chef.
As a person, you're a little... Oh, I'm totally crazy, but you like the food?
Oh, very much.
Okay, then.
I don't stink.
I'm a good chef.
Okay.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
I don't want to go.
I'm having fun.
Well, actually, did either of you pay for this glass?
Hey, hey, hey.
If my friend says it's time to go, it's time to go.
Hey, how'd the interview go?
Oh, not good.
You know, I always feel that way after an interview.
I'll bet it went better than you think.
Well, I didn't get the job at Gucci and I got fired from Ralph Lauren.
That is a bad interview.
What are you talking about?
How'd this happen?
Well, my boss was at the same restaurant where I was having my interview and he heard everything.
So later he calls me to his office and he tells me that he's gonna have to let me go because I'm not a team player.
And I say, wait a minute, no, yes, I am.
And then I had to sit there for 45 minutes while he proved that that, in fact, was true.
Oh, God, I'm so sorry.
Hey.
What's this?
It's a bottle of champagne.
Why is this here?
Ross?
I guess it's here because I got tenure!
Congratulations!
This is the single greatest day of my professional career.
Gunther, six glasses.
Six?
You want me to join?
Oh, I thought Joey was here.
Five is good.
I'm gonna have a loogie in my coffee tomorrow.
Ooh, Israeli champagne.
And it's vanilla.
I got tenure.
I didn't win the lottery.
Hey, Rach, so how did your thing go?
Oh, it's good, yeah, but I'm not going to hear about that for a couple of days.
Oh, you know what?
You're going to get it.
I can feel it.
Can you?
Everybody, here's to Ross.
And to years of hard work finally paying off.
And to knowing that career doesn't mean everything.
But also knowing it means a lot.
But more importantly, to full, well-rounded lives.
That center around work.
Two rights.
You know what the best part about this is?
I can never be fired.
Oh, God.
No, seriously.
I have job security for life.
You know?
I mean, I never have to worry.
Oh.
Oh, look at you.
Look how happy you are for me.
Oh, it's not that.
I got fired today.
Then I didn't get the other job.
Rach, I'm so sorry.
Oh. i feel like an idiot no it's okay you didn't know little heads up would have been nice nice car yeah it's uh it's not mine i love your car yeah it's mine i bet it's fast me too yeah and comfortable do you uh you like leather seats yeah It's got them.
Yeah, she tops out at 130.
Wow.
And that's just in the city.
I get her up to 160 when I take her upstate.
Really?
You got a place upstate?
Sure.
Well, I'll see you later.
Okay, take it easy.
Hey.
That's my car.
Really?
Oh, uh...
But just give me five more minutes, will you?
What are you doing?
Well, I found the keys, and now I'm just polishing them up.
But it's my car.
Yeah, but it's my wax.
Listen, I don't come to this city much and I don't know if you're crazy or if this is some kind of street theater, but could I have my keys?
Sure.
Here.
I'll save you a parking spot.
I'm not coming back.
Why not?
I live upstate.
Yeah, so did I. So the Porsche guy took his car back.
But you found the keys to his clothes?
No, I just, uh... I just love the way it feels when everybody thinks I own a Porsche.
And people will think you own a Porsche because you're wearing the clothes?
Of course.
Only an idiot would wear this stuff if you didn't have the car.
That is true.
Yeah, but only a genius would swallow a sonic blaster gun.
Oh, I've been there.
I am gonna go drive my Porsche.
Joey, you know you don't actually have one.
Come on, what are you doing?
I'm in character.
Will you talk to her?
Hey, hey, hey, careful around my Porsche.
Hi, Joey.
Hey, how you doing?
He has the most amazing Porsche under there.
I'd love to show you, but I just tucked her in.
She's sleeping.
Hey, would you two girls like to go for a drink?
Chandler Bay.
Hi, honey.
We're all here.
We just want to wish you a Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas!
Oh, Merry Christmas.
I miss you guys.
So is it horrible?
Is everybody working really hard?
Uh, well, no.
It's just, uh, me and Wendy.
Wendy?
That sounds like a girl's name.
It is.
Did I not tell you about her?
Mm-hmm.
About the time you told me about New Year's Eve.
Where is everybody else?
I sent them home.
Oh, you are such a good boss.
Is she pretty?
Uh, uh... Answer faster, answer faster.
I don't know.
Answer better, answer better.
I don't think of her that way, you know?
I mean, she's a colleague.
What does she do there?
Oh, she's regional vice president.
She's just below me.
She did what?
Below me.
Uh, wait, is Wendy the runner-up Miss Oklahoma?
What?
Well, she didn't win.
All right, well, maybe I should let you and the second prettiest girl in Oklahoma get back to work.
Well, second prettiest that year.
I mean, of all the girls in Oklahoma, she's probably... Oh, Chandler, stop talking.
Honey...
There's really nothing to worry about.
Okay.
I'm serious.
Okay.
Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas, you guys.
The wife says hi.
Ah, fun conversation.
Oh well, she's just got this weird idea that uh, you know, just because you and I are alone, that something's gonna happen.
Huh?
Really?
That be so terrible?
This is probably the wrong thing to be worrying about, but you're getting ham on my only tie.
My God, these pants.
I'm burning up.
She wants to snuggle now?
What, is she trying to kill me?
It's like a volcano in here.
Are you hot?
No.
Okay, must just be me then.
That was just the pants and the couch.
Um, hey, do you mind if I use your bathroom?
Oh, go ahead.
Thanks.
Hey, my favorite part's coming up.
Okay.
Oh, my God!
Joey, it's Ross.
I need some help.
Uh, Chandler's not here.
Well, you can help me.
Okay.
Listen, I'm in Elizabeth's bathroom.
Nice.
No, I got really hot in my leather pants so I took them off, but they must have shrunk from the sweat or something, or my legs expanded from the heat.
I can't get them back on, Joey, I can't.
Oh, that is quite a situation.
Uh, do you see any, like, powder?
Powder, yeah, yeah, I have powder.
Good, good, okay.
Sprinkle some of that on your legs.
It'll absorb some of the moisture, and then you can get your pants back on.
Yeah, hold on.
They're not coming on, man.
You see any Vaseline?
I see lotion.
I have lotion.
Will that work?
Yeah, sure.
Throw some of that on there.
Ross, you okay?
There's still, there's still that coming on, man, and the lotion and the powder have made a paste.
Really?
Uh, what color is it?
What difference does that make?
Well, I'm just.
If the paste matches the pants, you can make yourself a pair of paste pants that you won't have to dip in.
Joey, do you have a minute?
Dude, what am I... Rachel's here, so good luck, man.
Let me know how it works out.
Oh, Joey, I have such a problem.
Well, your timing couldn't be better.
I am putting out fires all over the place today.
Ross, um, you've been in there for a long time.
I'm starting to get kind of freaked out.
All right, I'm coming out.
Hey, can you turn the lights off?
No, let's just leave the lights on.
Oh, my balls.
I had a problem.
