Okay, so when you're done with your tea, I'll look at the leaves and tell you your fortune.
I didn't know you read tea leaves.
Oh, yeah, I've done it for years.
I actually stopped because I was so accurate.
You know, and, you know, one of the great joys of life is its wondrous unpredictability, you know?
And also, tea tends to give me the trots.
Okay, I'm done.
Read mine.
Okay.
Ooh, I see a ladder.
Which can mean either a promotion or a violent death.
I'm the head chef.
I can't get promoted.
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
Who's next?
Okay, I'm done.
Do mine.
Okay.
Um, oh, okay.
I see a circle.
Oh, which can either mean you're having a baby or you're going to make a scientific discovery.
Well, I have been spending a lot of time in the lab.
What does yours say, Peeves?
Um, wow, all right.
Wow, yay!
Oh, I'm gonna meet a guy.
And really soon.
And he's gonna be the man of my dreams.
Probably not the guy I had a dream about last night.
Oh, wait a second, you guys.
For the last couple weeks, I haven't seen that guy everywhere I go.
We take the same bus, we go to the same bookstore, same dry cleaner.
Maybe he's the tea guy.
Phoebe, did you see that?
He totally checked you out, and he is so cute.
Mine is a picture of the village people.
What does that mean?
Pa-pa-da.
Pa-pa-da.
No, no, no, we're done.
We're done.
I did it!
Oh!
I finished it!
I did it all by myself!
And there's nobody to hug!
Hey!
Hey, you guys!
I finished the crossword all by myself.
Hug me.
Yay!
Congratulations.
Thank you.
Hey, how'd the catering go?
Oh, it was great.
The widow wouldn't pay, so Phoebe yelled at her till she did.
Yeah, I'm a hard ass.
And I'm a wuss.
And we should be partners.
Yeah, hard-ass and wuss.
We could fight crime.
Wait a minute, Phoebe.
We should be partners.
We should be catering partners.
I mean, think about it.
You're not working right now, and we have such a great time together.
Okay.
I can cook and you can take care of the money.
Oh, it'll be like I have a wife in the 50s.
I'm glad you're back.
I really need your help.
Oh, why?
What's up?
Well, I have an audition for this play, and for some of it I have to speak French which, according to my résumé, I'm fluent in.
Joey, you shouldn't lie on your résumé.
Yeah, you really shouldn't.
By the way, how was that year-long dig in Cairo?
It was okay.
I did not know you spoke French.
Oh, you're so sexy.
Well, so will you help me?
I really want to be in this play.
Sure.
Tout le plaisir est pour moi, mon ami.
Seriously, stop it.
I'm going to jump on you.
All right.
This seems pretty simple.
Your first line is, my name is Claude.
So just repeat after me.
Je m'appelle Claude.
Je te coupe, Claude.
Let's just try it again.
Okay.
Huh.
It's not quite what I'm saying.
Really?
Sounds exactly the same to me.
It does?
Really?
Yeah.
All right, well, let's just try it again.
Really listen.
Got it.
Je m'appelle Claude.
Oh, mon dieu.
How did work go?
Oh, it was great.
It was great.
I went down there just like you said, you know, and we talked business.
And Kim totally took my opinions.
You stink.
Thanks.
No, I'm serious.
Well, that's just because I went down there and they were all smoking.
This is actually the smell of success.
Look, there's something different to... Oh, my God, you smoked!
I did not.
Yes, you did.
You, like, happy and sick, you smoked!
All right, fine, but I had to.
I had to do it for my career.
Wish I had to smoke for my career.
That's so gross.
Well, no, it's not that bad, you know?
It's... I mean, yeah, my tongue feels a little fuzzy and my fingers sort of smell.
I actually feel like I could throw up.
Okay, but you gotta push past this, okay?
Because it's about to get so good.
Chandler.
Oh, I can tell you, you smell so smoky.
I gotta get up.
I'm not kidding.
I think you smell great.
Hey, remember when she brought up that thing about, you know, the three of us?
Yes.
Vividly.
She was kidding about that, right?
Yeah, I think so.
Yeah, I think so.
Gotta be weird if that situation presented itself tonight, huh?
Yeah.
Yeah, I mean, uh...
What will we do?
Dude, I don't know.
She was kidding.
Yeah.
She was... But you know what?
Just in case, maybe we should come up with a set of ground rules.
Yeah, for sure.
Okay.
Probably want the first one to be never open your eyes know, because you don't want to be doing something.
And then look up right and see something that you don't want to be seeing.
Yeah good call nice, hold it.
Hold it.
What if my eyes are closed and and my hand is out there?
Okay, eyes open at all times.
Oh, hey, how do we decide where we, you know, each would, you know, be?
Right, right.
Well, you know, we could flip for it.
Yeah, I guess.
But, like, what's heads and what's tails?
Well, if you don't know that, then I don't want to do this with you.
Yes, yes, Rachel is my good friend, and I have loved her in the past, but now she is just my wife.
Phoebe, will you help me out here?
Well, I thought you loved her when you married her.
We were drunk.
I would have married Joey with that amount of alcohol.
Hey, you could do a lot worse than Joey Tribbiani.
I'm sorry, but you guys are wrong.
I just don't want to be divorced three times.
Yes, and now he's using this three divorces reason because he wants to stay married to her, because he loves her.
I must say, well done.
Bravo, Meg.
Okay, fine, fine.
If this is what you think, forget about the whole three divorce thing, okay?
I'll go to my lawyer's office right now and get this marriage annulled, okay?
She means nothing to me.
Nothing!
Okay, now I wouldn't date you because you seem a little creepy.
I am so attracted to him right now.
I got a job in advertising.
Whoa!
Honey, that's incredible.
Gosh, what's the pay like?
Oh, come on, people.
Come on, now.
If I don't know who makes the most, how do I know who I like the most?
Hi, Joey.
Actually, it pays nothing.
It's an internship.
Oh, that's cool.
We have interns at Days of Our Lives.
Right, so it'll be the same, except less sex with you.
So, uh, what kind of stuff do you think they'll have you do there?
Well, it's a training program, but at the end, they hire the people they like.
That's great.
Yeah, I mean, there's probably gonna be some grunt work, which will probably stink.
You know, a grown man getting people coffee is a little humiliating.
Humiliating and noble.
Thank you.
You know, if I didn't already have a job, I think I would have been really good in advertising.
Ross, you did not come up with got milk.
Yes, I did.
I did.
I should have written it down.
Don't tell me, don't tell me.
Decaf cappuccino for Joey.
Coffee black.
Latte.
And a nice tea.
I'm getting pretty good at this.
Excellent.
Good for me.
We've had enough of this, all right?
Gunther!
These guys are trying to take our seat.
Fellas, these guys were here first.
Oh, sorry.
I didn't realize.
There you go.
Thank you, Gunther.
We didn't want to have to go and do that.
He told on us?
You told on us?
Well, pal, you didn't give me much of a choice.
Don't play with this thing.
I know.
All right.
Let's take this outside.
Let's take this outside.
Who talks like that?
The guy who's about to kick your ass talks like that.
You had to ask.
Yeah.
Okay, okay, look.
See?
The thing is, we're... we're not gonna fight you guys.
Well, then, here's the deal.
You won't have to, so long as you never, ever show your faces in this coffee house ever again.
Hey, hey, whoa!
You want some of this, huh?
You want a piece of this, huh?
I'm standing here!
Huh?
Hey, hey!
Those guys are taking our stuff!
Hey!
Hey!
Get out of the way!
That was amazing.
That was incredible.
You guys kicked butt.
Us?
What about you guys?
Man, you really bing gave it to old Mr. Clean back there.
He was a big guy.
Yeah, he was, wasn't he?
I wouldn't know, having missed everything.
Don't do that to yourself.
Any one of us could have tripped over that little girl's jump rope.
So, listen, guys, are we, uh... Are we okay here?
We're okay.
All right.
Okay, so can I have my hat back?
No.
Monica, hey, can I borrow the Porsche?
Okay.
But, uh, what is it not?
A place to entertain my lady friends.
And what else is it not?
A place to eat spaghetti.
Very good.
Thanks.
What do you need it for, anyway?
Oh uh, the Powerball lottery is up to 300 million and they don't sell tickets here in New York.
So Oh, so you're driving up to Connecticut.
Yeah, Connecticut, not West Virginia.
Hey, maybe I'll drive you up there.
I'd like to buy some tickets myself.
Ooh.
Yeah, with Chandler not getting paid, we could really use 300 million dollars.
Yes, because if I was at my old job, we'd say, 300 million?
No thank you.
Hey, will you get me tickets too?
Yeah, me too.
Sure.
Oh, I have an idea.
Why don't we all pitch in 50 bucks?
We'll pool our money together and then, if we win, we'll split it.
That's a great idea.
No thanks.
You don't want to win the lottery?
Uh, sure I do.
I also want to be king of my own country and find out what happened to Amelia Earhart.
Still on Amelia Earhart?
The woman just vanished.
Susie, Ross, you don't want in on this?
No.
Do you know what your odds are of winning the lottery?
I mean, you have a better chance of being struck by lightning 42 times.
Yes, but there's six of us, so we'd only have to get struck by lightning seven times.
I like those odds.
Seriously, you guys, I can't believe you're gonna spend $250 on the lottery.
I mean, that's such a bunch of boo-hockey.
I'll ask.
Boo hockey?
Oh, oh.
We think Emma's about to start talking, so we're trying to be careful about what words we use in front of her.
Yeah, so get ready to hear a lot of, uh, boo hockey, gosh darn it, and brother pucker.
How do you know she's gonna start talking?
Well, when I talk to her, I almost feel like she understands what I'm saying.
Kind of like Joey.
What's that now?
Hey, hey.
Check it out.
Guess what I got.
Rhythm?
No.
My first fan mail.
Check it out.
Dear Dr. Amore, know that I love you and would do anything to have you.
Gosh, your not-so-secret admirer, Erica Ford.
Ooh, wait.
P.S.
Enclosed, please find 14 of my eyelashes.
You know, in Crazy World, that means you're married.
This wasn't addressed to days of our lives.
This came to your apartment.
There's no stamp on it.
This woman was in our building.
Oh, my God.
I got my very own stalker.
Hey, you guys.
Hey.
Hey.
What's going on?
Well, we were just talking about you guys getting married and how great it is.
Yeah, you can get a Volvo if that's what you really want.
Oh, that's so sweet.
So, we both finished our vows.
Oh, can't we read them?
Yeah, just as long as I don't hear Chandler's and he doesn't hear mine.
Okay.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh, that's beautiful.
Funny one.
That's a good one.
Monica, will you marry me?
What?
I don't get it.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, man, this is hilarious.
Chandler.
Don't worry, honey.
We'll make yours funnier.
Hey, Rach.
How you doing with the shining?
Oh, Danny just went into room 217.
Ooh, the next part's the best.
When that dead lady in the bathtub... Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Come on, you're gonna ruin it.
All right, I'll talk in code.
Remember when the kid sees those two blanks in the hallway?
That's very cool.
All blank and no blank makes blank a blank blank.
Oh, no, no.
No, the end.
When Jack almost kills them all with that blank, but then in the last second they get away.
Joey, I can't believe you just did that.
I can't believe she cracked your code.
All right, okay.
Lori proposes to Joe, and she says no, even though she's still in love with him, and then he ends up marrying Amy.
Hey, mine was by accident.
All right.
The boiler explodes and destroys the hotel and kills the dad.
Beth died.
Beth dies?
Is that true?
If I keep reading, is Beth gonna die?
No, Beth doesn't die.
She doesn't die.
Does she, Rachel?
What?
Joey's asking if you've just ruined the first book he's ever loved that didn't star Jack Nicholson.
What about you?
Tell me one of your stories.
All right, once, once, I got on the subway, right?
And it was at night.
And I rode it all the way to Brooklyn.
Just for the hell of it.
We talked till, like, two.
It was this perfect evening.
More or less.
All of a sudden, we realized we're in Yemen.
Oh, I'm sorry.
So we is...
We would be me and Rick.
Who's Rick?
Who's Rick?
My husband.
Oh, so you're divorced?
No.
Oh, I'm sorry.
So you're widowed?
Hopefully?
No, I'm still married.
So tell me, how do you think your husband would feel about you sitting here with me?
Sliding your foot so far up my pant leg you can count the change in my pocket.
Don't worry.
I imagine he'd be okay with you because really he's okay with Ethan.
Ethan?
There's an Ethan mmm.
Ethan is my boyfriend.
What so?
Explain something to me here.
What kind of relationship do you imagine us having if you already have a husband and a boyfriend?
I suppose mainly sexual huh, I'm sorry it didn't work out.
What not work out of seeing her again on Thursday?
Didn't you listen to the story?
Didn't you listen to the story?
I mean, this is twisted.
How could you get involved with a woman like this?
Well, you know, I had some trouble with it at first too.
But the way I look at it is, I get all the good stuff, all the fun, all the talking, all the sex and none of the responsibility.
I mean, this is every guy's fantasy.
Yeah, that is not true.
Ross, is this your fantasy?
No, of course not.
Yeah, yeah, it is.
So you guys don't mind going out with someone else who's going out with someone else?
I couldn't do it.
Good for you, Joey.
When I'm with a woman, I need to know. that I'm going out with more people than she is.
Well, you know, monogamy can be a tricky concept.
I mean, anthropologically speaking.
Fine, fine.
All right, now you'll never know.
We're getting going.
Come on.
Come on, Ross.
All right.
There's a theory put forth by Richard Leakey.
I'll tell you about a couple things I learned while working at the coffee house.
Um, first of all, the customer is always right.
A smile goes a long way.
And if anyone is ever rude to you, sneeze muffin.
Thanks, Rach.
Hey, you guys are just terrific, you know?
And how about clearing out of here so I can get some new customers, huh?
It's all about turnover.
Joey, seriously, can I get my coffee?
I'm sorry, Ross.
I'll get it for you right now.
And since I made you wait, I'll toss in a free muffin.
This adoption stuff is so overwhelming.
There's inter-country adoption, dependency adoption.
There's so many ways to go, and this is like the biggest decision of our lives.
There's a hair in my coffee.
Hey, guys.
Hey.
Hey, have you seen Frank Jr.?
Because he's meeting me here with the triplets.
You know, it's funny.
Every time you say triplets, I immediately think of three hot blonde 19-year-olds.
That's sweet.
Drink your hair.
Hey, what's all this stuff?
Oh, they're brochures from different adoption agencies.
Ooh, babies.
Oh, this one is so cute.
Get this one.
That's not really how it works.
Oh, how does it work?
I don't know!
Well, if you're having a hard time, you should talk to my friends, Bill and Colleen.
They adopted a kid.
I'm sure they'd help you.
Thanks.
That would be great.
Hey, honey, wouldn't that be great?
Thanks for the coffee.
Or, uh...
Thank you for the coffee, Gunther.
Yeah, we're done.
Ezel.
Ezel?
Hey, Ross, listen.
You want to go see that new IMAX movie on tide pools?
Really?
But I got Knicks tickets for you, me, and Chandler.
Sweet.
All right, well, finish your coffee.
Let's go.
OK, I just have to stop by my place first.
To take the game.
You do this every time, Ross.
You're not going to be on TV.
Hazel.
Hey Gunther, you're an hazel from that.
The whole evening was pretty much a bust.
Yeah, we really missed you guys.
Yeah look, we were just saying this whole thing is so stupid.
We just i have to really, really really not let stuff like this about money get like is that a hickey?
No, I just I fell down.
On someone's lips?
Where'd you get the hickey?
You know, a party or... What party?
Well, it wasn't a party so much as a gathering of people.
With food and music and and and the band you partied with, hootie and the blowfish.
Yes, apparently stevie and hootie are like this.
Who gave you that hickey?
That would be the work of a blowfish.
It's like all of a sudden, so much is happening.
I know ross is getting married, phoebe's making people, Everybody's doing stuff.
Yeah, we just sit here.
I mean, if I died, the only way people would even know that I was here would be by the ass print on this chair.
Look, we have to do something, okay?
Something huge.
We could climb Mount Everest.
No, no, not something stupid, something huge.
No, no, no, no, no.
I saw an ad for this video.
People climb that thing every day.
We could totally do that.
Why not?
I mean, it's just, it's just climbing.
It's just, it's just steep.
We're going to Everest, okay?
It'd be nice to leave an ass print on Everest.
Hey!
Hey.
We're gonna climb Mount Everest.
Yeah, baby!
Really?
I looked into that.
Yeah, but, I mean, it costs, like, $60,000, and, you know, you could die.
And... And you would die.
Oh, well.
We could get that Everest video, though.
Yeah, we could do that without, you know, risking our lives at all.
And while we're down at the video store, you know what else we could rent?
Die Hard.
But you know what?
I just remembered.
That Everest thing is only available through mail order.
Oh, well.
So you guys will stay here and hang out with me?
Yeah, yeah.
But I'll tell you something.
One of these days, we're gonna get off our butts and rent Die Hard again.
Yeah!
Okay, okay, here's a good one of us.
Wow, that is a good one.
Wow, it looks like a holiday card, you know, with the tree in the middle and the skaters and the snow.
You know, every year I say I'm gonna send out holiday cards and I never do it.
Do you wanna send this one out together?
Together?
Like, to people?
Yeah, you know, happy holidays from Mona and Ross.
It'll be cute, okay?
Okay.
I gotta get to work.
So call me later?
Oh, sure, sure.
Bye, guys.
Bye.
Congratulations.
You just got married.
No, can you believe that?
Wait, I'm sorry.
What's the big deal about a holiday card?
Married couples send out cards.
Families send out cards.
People who've been dating for a couple of months do not send out cards.
What, is she crazy?
Hey, hey, hey, that's your wife you're talking about.
I have something you can do.
I have this new massage client, Steve.
Anyway, um, he's opening up a restaurant and he's looking for a head chef.
Um, hi there.
Hi.
Oh, yeah, no, I know, you're a chef.
I know, and I thought of you first, but, um, Chandler's the one who needs a job right now, so...
Yeah, I just don't have a lot of chefing experience.
Unless it's an all-toast restaurant.
Yeah, yeah.
Well, what kind of food is he looking for?
Well, he wants to do something eclectic, so he's looking for someone who can, you know, create the entire menu.
Oh, my God!
Yeah, I know!
So what do you think?
Thanks, Phoebe.
I just don't really see myself in a big white hat.
Okay.
Oh, Monica, guess what?
Hey, what are you guys talking about?
Nothing.
Damn, this coffee's cold.
Hey, Rich, do you mind if I heat this up on your loins?
You know, I cannot believe you told him, Joey.
So I guess you bought that book after we broke up, huh?
Uh-huh, yeah, I did, because I wore out my first copy when I was with you.
Yeah, yeah, well, uh, when we were going out, I read tons of porno magazines.
What's up?
Boss, how could you do that to an old man?
Hey.
Emily's cousin kicked me out.
What?
Why?
Well, when you're subletting an apartment from your wife's cousin and then you get a divorce, sometimes the cousin suddenly wants his apartment back.
How can he do that?
Didn't you sign a lease?
Who needs a lease when it's family?
Hey, you can stay with us.
We'll take care of you.
Absolutely.
Anything you need, man.
But you have to promise me you will let us know the second you are feeling better, so that we can make fun of your hair.
Yeah.
We got it.
Okay.
Thanks, you guys.
I really appreciate this.
All right, well, I'm gonna get packing again.
Wow, I've been moving around so much lately, I'm beginning to feel like a nomad.
What?
He thought you said gonad.
I think Barry is seeing someone in the city.
What would make you think that?
Well, ever since we announced the engagement, he's been acting really weird.
And then last night, he came home smelling like Chanel.
Really?
Mindy...
If it'll make you feel any better.
When Barry and I first got engaged, he went through a whole weird thing, too.
Oh, God.
You see, that's what I was afraid of.
What?
What's what you're afraid of?
Okay, okay.
When Barry was engaged to you, he and I kind of had our little thing on the side.
I know, I know.
And when he proposed to me, everyone said, don't do it.
He's just going to do to you what he did to Rachel.
And now I feel so stupid.
Oh, Mindy.
Oh, you are so stupid.
Oh, we are both so stupid.
What do you mean?
Smell familiar?
Oh no oh, i'm so sorry.
Oh, no me, i am so sorry.
No, i am sorry taffy taffy really, i've never had any, ever.
I think my mother was too busy planning her suicide to provide saltwater treats.
Thank you.
So what, are you just never going to tell her?
Oh, no, no, no, I will.
I just want to butter her up first, you know?
I'm going to take her to an amazing Valentine's dinner, do all this romantic stuff, and then, just when she thinks I'm the best boyfriend in the world, then I'm going to tell her that my pregnant ex-girlfriend is living with me.
If I haven't said it before, she's a lucky, lucky lady.
So, where are you gonna... What the mother of crap is up with this stuff?
Oh, God, is it gum?
Is it food?
What's the deal?
Oh, it's nice.
May I try a pink one?
Okay, Chandler.
Okay.
And your horoscope says on the 5th, a special someone is going to give you a gift.
Oh, well, thank you in advance.
Oh, but the 12th brings a lover's spat.
You're going to make a joke about my special present.
Why would you do that?
Oh, wait, and on the 19th, a secret crush announces itself.
Hey, guys.
Hey!
Oh, my God, it's Joey Tribbiani of Mac and Cheese!
Oh, that's right.
It's your first day.
So, are you psyched to fight fake crime with your robot sidekick?
Am I psyched?
To lead my own TV series?
I've dreamed about this for years.
Why have I not been preparing?
No, Joey, you're gonna be great.
But I gotta act with a robot, Pheebs, and I don't know anything about technology.
I can't even use Chandler's computer to find porn.
And that's only because it's right there when you turn it on.
I think our lover spat will start a little early this month.
I'll be waiting.
How long are you going for the party so far, liquor-wise?
Get a lot of liquor.
Great.
Okay, now in terms of the invite list, obviously I've got you, me and Chandler, and I'm going to invite Gunther because well, we've been talking about this pretty loud.
I'll be there.
Oh listen, I know it's your party, but I'd really like to limit the number of museum geeks that are going to be there.
Eh, tell you what, let's not invite any of the anthropologists, okay?
Just the dinosaur dudes.
Okay, we need a six-pack of Zima.
Hey, guys, what are you doing?
Oh, just planning my bachelor party with my best man.
Yeah, well, good luck trying to top the last one.
Yeah see, I don't think it's gonna be that difficult, considering this one won't take place in the basement of a pizza hut.
Oh, I'm Ross.
I'm Ross.
I'm too good for the hut.
I'm too good for the hut.
Look, I gotta go pick up Ben.
Everything so far sounds great, Joey.
Just remember, keep it on the mellow side, okay?
Just a couple of guys hanging out playing poker.
No strippers or anything, okay?
You got it.
Okay, see you later.
Yeah.
Have fun planning your mellow bachelor party.
I thought there was gonna be strippers there.
He didn't say anything about no strippers.
He just said no strippers.
Oh.
I chose not to hear that.
Hi, guys.
Hey, Phoebe.
Hey.
Hey.
Oh, how'd it go?
Um, not so good.
He walked me to the subway and said, we should do this again.
Oh.
What?
You said we should do it again.
That's good, right?
Uh, no.
Loosely translated, we should do this again means you will never see me naked.
Since when?
Since always.
It's like dating language.
You know, like, it's not you means it is you.
Or you're such a nice guy means I'm going to be dating leather-wearing alcoholics and complaining about them to you.
Or, you know, I think we should see other people means I already am.
And everybody knows this.
Oh, yeah.
Cushions to blow.
Yeah, it's like when you're a kid and your parents put your dog to sleep and they tell you it went off to live on some farm.
That's funny.
No, because our parents actually did send our dog off to live on a farm.
Uh, Ross?
What?
Hello?
The Milners farm in Connecticut?
The Milners, they had this unbelievable farm.
They had horses and then rabbits that he could chase, and it was... Oh, my God, Cheech?
Okay, you know what?
I'll have toast.
You guys, you guys, we were just in the storage area and we saw this really creepy man.
He was like this crazy-eyed, hairy beast man.
He was like a Bigfoot or a Yeti or something.
And he came at us with an axe, so Rachel had to use a bug bomb on him.
Yeah, I pulled the tab and I just fogged his Yeti ass.
Uh, like, dark hair, bushy beard?
Yeah.
Yeah, you fogged Danny.
Please, we did not fog Danny.
Who's Danny?
Danny just moved in downstairs.
Yeah, he just got back from, like, this four-month trek in the Andes.
Nice fella.
Oh, he's nice.
He's nice.
You know, you always stick up for the people we fog.
Hey, guys.
Hey, sweetie.
Ready to go?
Yeah, sure.
Ooh, I left my purse up at Monica's.
I'll be right back.
Wait a minute.
What?
Oh.
Ooh.
Ooh.
Whoa.
That one kept going.
Oh, you and Phoebe, huh?
How long you been going out?
Over a month.
Wow.
Maybe, uh, maybe you and I ought to get to know each other a little better.
Sure.
I'd like that.
Yeah.
So, uh, what's your name?
It's Jake.
Joey.
Hey, Jake, do you like the Knicks?
Yeah, big fan.
Me too.
There's a game on Tuesday.
You want to go?
Yeah, that'd be great.
Let me make sure I'm not doing anything Tuesday.
Hey.
Listen, you know how, uh...
When you're wearing pants and you lean forward, I check out your underwear?
Yeah.
Well, when Jake did it, I saw that he was wearing women's underwear.
I know.
They were mine.
Oh.
No, no, wait.
That's weird.
No, it's not.
We were just goofing around, and I dared him to try them on.
That's weird.
I'm wearing his briefs right now.
That's kind of hot.
I think so, too.
And that little flap?
Great for holding my lipstick.
Yeah, I wouldn't know about that.
And, you know, Jake says that women's underwear is actually more comfortable.
And he loves the way the silk feels against his skin.
Yeah, well, next thing you know, I'll be telling you that your high heels are good for his posture.
There is nothing wrong with Jake, okay?
He is all man.
I'm thinking even more than you.
Oh, yeah, you look like a real lumberjack in those pink laces.
I'm just saying that only a man completely secure with his masculinity could walk around in women's underwear.
I don't think you could ever do that.
Hey, I am secure with my masculinity.
Okay, whatever.
You've seen my huge stack of porn, right?
Hey, how was the first day?
Oh excellent, everyone was so, so nice.
See, it pays to know the man who wears my shoes me no, i didn't tell anybody that i knew you.
Why not?
Well, because you know They don't like you.
What?
I thought you knew that.
No.
Who doesn't like me?
Everyone.
Except for, um... No, everyone.
What are you talking about?
Don't feel bad.
You know, they used to like you a lot.
But then you got promoted and, you know, now you're all like Mr. Bossman.
You know, Mr. Bing.
Mr. Bing, Bossman Bing.
I can't believe it.
Yeah, yeah, they even do you.
They do me?
You know, like, um, okay, um, could that report be any later?
I don't sound like that.
Oh, oh, chill.
Yeah, you do.
The hills are alive with the sound... of music.
My scone!
My scone!
Okay, I don't sound like that.
That is so not true.
That is so not... That is so not... That... Oh, shut up!
If she wasn't into me, why would she ask me out again?
She asked you out again?
Yeah.
Tomorrow night, Valentine's Day, the most romantic day of the year.
Who knows what could happen?
I might not be shutting my drapes to show her my slides, if you know what I mean.
Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, I got it, I got it, I got it.
I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't.
I'll not go with the you and my sister thing, okay?
I just can't.
It's just too weird, all right?
I imagine the two of you together, I just freak out.
It freaks me out, and I can't do it, I can't do it.
It's okay.
It's okay.
Hey, it's too weird for you.
I won't see her again.
Thank you, I, yeah.
I mean, after tomorrow night.
No, no, no, no, no, no, please, Ross, I can't, I can't do it again.
Okay, okay, oh, hey, hey, hey, okay, okay.
Okay, I'll, I'll tell her tonight I can't see her anymore.
Oh, thanks.
You want me to call her right now?
Oh, no.
No, no, no, no, no.
I mean, come on.
That's crazy.
I mean, that's crazy.
So what's going on with you?
What is going on with you?
Well, um... Oh, I may be teaching another class this semester.
Yeah, do it now.
Call her right now.
Good news.
You're gonna have three babies.
Ah!
Three babies?
Uh-huh.
I finally got my band!
We're gonna have a big family!
I always wanted a big family!
Oh, God, I'm so glad you guys are happy.
I was so afraid you were gonna be all freaked.
Why would we be freaked?
No, because, you know, maybe it's harder to raise them and the added expense and... Oh.
Right.
No.
Back to happy.
Back to happy.
No, no, no, no.
It's going to be fine.
Because, um... because I teach home ec, and I can have 30 kids making baby clothes all year long.
You know, it'll be like my very own little sweatshop.
I didn't want her to see it, so I ran around the neighborhood and bought all the copies I could find.
Man, this is bad.
And I've had my share of bad reviews.
I still remember my first good one, though.
Everything else in this production of Our Town was simply terrible.
Joey Tribbiani was abysmal.
Hey.
Oh, my God.
Look at all the newspapers.
It must be a good review.
Is it great?
Um...
Oh, dear God.
But the good news is no one in a two-block radius will ever know.
What about the rest of Manhattan?
Yeah, they all know.
This is horrible.
I'm so sorry.
I'm so humiliated.
Yeah, but you know what they say, Ma?
There is no such thing as bad press.
You don't think that, um, the chef's mahi-mahi was awful-awful?
His bad press?
I didn't write it.
Is he right?
Am I really?
Am I awful?
Hey, Monica, you listen to me, okay?
And I'm not just saying this because I'm your friend.
I'm saying it because it's the truth.
Your food is abysmal.
I had a dream last night where I was playing football with my kid.
Oh, that's nice.
No, no, with him.
I'm on this field, and they hike me, the baby.
And I know I've gotta do something, because the Tampa Bay defense is coming right at me.
Tampa Bay's got a terrible team.
Right, but it is just me and the baby, so I'm thinking they can take us.
And so I, uh... I just heave it downfield.
What, do you think that's a baby?
He should take the sack?
Anyway...
Suddenly, I'm downfield, and I realize that I'm the one who's supposed to catch him, right?
Only I know there is no way I'm going to get there in time.
So I am running and I'm running, and that is when I woke up.
See, I am so not ready to be a father.
Hey, you're going to be fine.
You're one of the most caring, most responsible men in North America.
You're going to make a great dad.
Yeah, Ross.
You and the baby just need better blocking.
Every year, Ross makes a toast.
And it's always really moving and always makes them cry.
Well, this year, I'm going to make them cry.
And you wonder why Ross is their favorite?
No, really.
Anytime Ross makes a toast, everyone cries and hugs him and pats him on the back.
And they all come up to me and say, God, you are a brother.
You know what they're going to say this year?
God, you.
Well, I can promise you, at least one person will be crying.
You know?
I'm an actor, and any actor worth his salt can cry on cue.
Really?
You can do that?
Oh, are you kidding me?
Watch.
I can't do it with you guys watching me.
We're gonna find love.
Definitely.
Yeah, I'm pretty confident about that.
That's what makes it so easy for me to be 80% happy for Monica and Chandler.
It'd be nice to have a little guarantee, though.
What do you mean?
Well, you know, some people make deals with a friend like if neither of them are married.
By the time they're 40, they marry each other.
You mean a backup?
Yeah, exactly.
Yeah, yeah, I've got that.
You do?
Mm-hmm.
Who?
Joey.
Joey?
Yeah.
Are you serious?
Yeah, I locked him in years ago.
Wait, so if neither of you are married by the time you're 40, you're gonna marry Joey?
Yeah, we shook on it.
But believe me, that is not how he wanted to seal the deal.
Oh, seriously?
Oh yeah, I think his exact words were Charming.
Yeah, he's just a backup.
How come you guys have never played poker with us?
Yeah, what is that?
Like some kind of guy thing, like some kind of sexist guy thing.
Like it's poker so only guys can play.
No, women are welcome to play.
Oh okay, so then what is it?
Some kind of you know like?
Like some kind of you know like, all right, what is it?
There just don't happen to be any women in our game.
Yeah, we just don't happen to know any women that know how to play poker.
Oh, please, that is such a lame excuse.
I mean, it's a typical guy response.
Excuse me, do any of you know how to play?
No.
But you could teach us.
No.
You didn't have to go.
Believe me.
But unfortunately, I have to.
Oh, by the way, what's the name of the girl you're dating?
Kristen Leigh.
Bye.
Well, obviously, only one of us can keep dating her.
Obviously.
So how do we decide?
Well, now, let's look at this objectively.
I think I should date her.
Uh-huh, uh-huh.
Or, or I'm the one who dates her.
That's interesting, but check this out.
I date her.
Yeah, yeah, I like that, but just to go in another direction.
Okay, okay, this can go on for a while.
Yeah, well, we should order some food, don't we?
No, Joey.
Look, why don't we just let her decide, OK?
Hey, hey, we'll each go out with her one more time, and we'll see who she likes best.
That sounds fair.
Maybe I'll take her to that new French restaurant down the street.
Hey, wait a second now.
Look, we're gonna have to set a spending limit on the date.
I don't have the money to take her to a fancy place like that.
Well, sorry.
That's what I do on dates.
All right.
Well, I guess I'll just have to do what I do on dates.
So let's decide on a spending limit.
Yeah.
A slice.
$6.
I was thinking more like $100.
Okay.
Can I borrow $94?
This cake is amazing.
Oh my God, get a room.
I would get a room with this cake.
I think I could show this cake a good time.
If you had to, what would you give up?
Food or sex?
Sex.
Seriously, answer faster.
I'm sorry, honey.
When she said sex, I wasn't thinking about sex with you.
It's like a giant hug.
Ross, how about you?
Which would you give up, sex or food?
Food.
Okay, how about sex or dinosaurs?
Oh, my God.
It's like Sophie's Choice.
Oh, God.
What about you, Joe?
What would you give up, sex or food?
Uh... I don't know.
It's too hard.
No, you gotta pick one.
Uh, food.
No sex.
Food.
Sex.
Food.
Sex.
I don't know.
Oh, God, I want both.
I want... I want girls on bread.
What is wrong now?
This isn't what I ordered.
Man, can't anything go right in my life?
First, my marriage falls apart, and then I... I know, I know.
And then you lose your apartment, and then you lose your job, and then your ex-wife gets married so fast.
And now the coffee.
Ah!
Gross.
We need to talk.
Okay.
Sometimes I feel... No, no, no, no.
I'm going to talk.
I believe that the sun has set on our day in the sun.
What?
You're a very sweet person, Ross.
Unfortunately, I just don't think I can take another second of you whining.
Let me make sure I'm hearing this right.
You're ending this with me because I'm too whiny?
So you're saying I've become so whiny that I annoy you, Janice.
Hell yeah!
Oh.
My.
God.
Are you gonna be okay?
I am now.
I've got three of my five.
Three of your five what?
Celebrities I'm allowed to sleep with.
Oh, my God, you are giving us a lot of thought.
Hey, it's hard, okay?
I only have two spots left.
All right, who you got it narrowed down to?
Okay.
Elizabeth Hurley.
Ooh, very attractive.
Yeah.
Forgiving.
Susan Sarandon.
You know what?
She's too political.
She probably wouldn't let you do it unless you donated four cans of food first.
And isabella rossellini very hot, very sexy, but uh, you know she's too international, you know she's never going to be around so, so you got to play the odds, pick somebody who's going to be in the country like all the time.
Yeah, because that's why you won't get isabella rossellini.
Geography Pheebs.
Guess who we saw today?
Oh, oh, fun, okay.
Uh, Liam Neeson.
No.
Morley Safer.
Nope.
The woman who cuts my hair.
Okay, look, this could be a really long game.
Your sister, Ursula.
Oh, really?
Yeah, yeah, she works over at that place, uh... Riff's, yeah, I know.
Oh, you do?
Because she said you guys haven't talked in, like, years.
Mm-hmm, yeah.
So, um, is she fat?
Not from where I was standing.
Where were you standing?
Um, Pheebs, so you guys just don't get along?
It's mostly just dumb sister stuff, you know?
I mean, like, everyone always thought of her as the pretty one, you know?
Oh, oh, she was the first one to start walking, even though I did it later that same day.
But to my parents, by then, it was like, yeah, right, well, what else is new?
Hey, so, uh, was he excited about the tickets?
No, he blew us off.
What?
I know.
Can't believe it.
Can I tell you something?
I'm a little mad at him now.
Can I tell you something?
Me too.
You know what?
He didn't want to talk to us about being angry.
Well, maybe we don't talk to him at all.
Freeze him out.
That's right.
I like it.
We'll show him.
From now on, it's going to be Joey and Ross, best friends.
Okay.
We're going to be the new Joey and Chandler.
Pheebs, what's wrong?
I'm just so exhausted from dragging around this huge engagement ring.
So, did he get on one knee?
Did he have his speech prepared?
Oh, did he cry?
Yeah, big surprise.
I like proposals.
It was really sweet and, like, the most romantic thing ever.
Well, hey, well, here's to Phoebe, who's found the greatest guy in the world.
To Phoebe and... I want to say Mike.
To Phoebe and Mike.
Thank you.
Oh, and I have something for you.
Yeah, it's my little black book.
It's got the numbers of all the guys I've dated.
Oh, Phoebe.
Mandy, that's nice, but you know what?
I think I'm okay.
Why don't you give it to one of your other single girlfriends?
I would, but you're the last one.
Give me the book.
Pablo Diaz.
Brady Smith.
Guy in van.
Oh, my first love.
What does the red X next to Bob Greenmore's name mean?
Dead.
Oh, it's okay.
No, he was old.
Yeah.
And he lived a full life.
He was in the first wave at Omaha Beach.
I'm sorry.
I should have given you guys my black book when I got married.
Although it wasn't so much a book as a napkin.
With Janice's phone number on it.
I don't know why you're so embarrassed.
They were very nice boobies.
Nice?
They were nice.
I mean, that's it.
I mean, mittens are nice.
Okay, Rock.
Hard place, me.
You're so funny.
He's really funny.
I wouldn't want to be there.
When, when the laughter stops whoa whoa, back up there Sparky, what did you mean by that?
Just seems as though that maybe you have intimacy issues.
You know that you use your humor as a way of keeping people at a distance.
Huh, I mean hey, I just met you.
I don't know you from Adam.
Only child, right?
Parents divorced before you hit puberty.
Uh-huh.
How did you know that?
It's textbook.
Hey, you guys.
You all know my dad.
Hey, how long you in the city?
Just for a couple of days.
I got a job midtown.
I figure I'm better off staying with the kid than hauling my ass back and forth on a ferry.
I don't know this one.
Oh, this is my friend Roger.
Hey, hey, good to meet you, Roger.
You too, sir.
What happened to the puppet guy?
Dad, uh...
Oh, oh, excuse me.
So, Ross, how's the wife?
Oh, for two, huh?
Chandler, quick, say something funny.
I'm telling you, that girl totally winked at me.
She did not.
She's winking at you.
She's winking at you.
Huh.
