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my dad works in B2B marketing.
He came by my school for career day and said he was a big row As -man then he told everyone how much he loved calculating his return on ad spend my friends still laugh at me to this day Hey there, Ryan Reynolds here.
It's a new year, and you know what that means?
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You're listening to TED Talks Daily where we bring you new ideas to spark your curiosity every day.
I'm your host Elise Hugh.
You're about to hear something that doesn't start out as a TED Talk in is more like a one -man stage show.
In his 2024 performance, Internet filmmaker, Baron Ryan, speaks to another version of himself.
You'll hear it. And it's to show the irony of being a people -pleaser, the way it can lead us to betray ourselves.
I heard a good one today.
A chicken, a doctor and a lawyer all walk into a bar.
And the bartender says, is what, is this some kind of joke?
I can't sleep. I don't know about you, but those melatonin gummies, they don't work.
I told my doctor I talked to myself, and she asked me what I talked to myself about.
And to be honest, I don't know.
I never hear myself.
What was that? Nothing.
No, I said something.
No, I didn't. Maybe it was one I did, or whatever I said, I wasn't listening so forget it.
You know, you get to a point in the evening.
Well, in your life really.
When you can't sleep your problems away.
You know. You're trapped in this skin suit, stuck being you.
I'm stuck being that guy.
I'm in a toxic relationship with that guy.
And I really ought to break up with him, but, you know, you need a lot of self -respect to go through with a breakup.
I'm in a bit of self -respect debt right now.
See, I'm what you would call a serial people pleaser.
I live to please anybody but myself.
I have this insufferable need to be liked, and I've done the analysis.
I think it's a survival instinct, to be liked.
See, if you don't like me, I will die.
That is what all of this leads to.
Belonging and being liked.
It feels good because it feels like surviving.
And I developed this sense of death and belonging as a kid.
If I didn't win someone's approval, and I wouldn't be fed, I wouldn't be hugged, I wouldn't be comfortable.
And if I didn't have those things, I'd die.
you know, if I didn't stop crying I died, if I, if I said no, I die.
You know, giving your life away, to the whims and approval of other people it never looks like much, it happens very slowly.
Sure, absolutely, fine, no worries, that's OK, ignore me, I I'm fine, nothing's wrong.
I'm fine. You know, the irony of a people -pleaser is that people hate him.
No one likes a guy with no spine.
I mean, we're not pleasing anybody.
How could I like myself if I don't even respect myself?
If you think one people -pleaser is bad, try getting two people -pleasers alone in the same room.
Like, oh would you like some coffee?
Are you making some anyway?
Only if you'd like some.
Well, I'd only have some if you're having some.
Well, if you're having something, I'll join you.
But are you having some apart from me?
Like, if I weren't here, would you still have some?
Well, no, but since you are here, I'll make some.
I don't want you to go out of your way to make any just because I'm here.
No, no, it's really no trouble at all, unless you don't want me to make any.
I would like you to not make any if you don't want to make any.
So, what do you want again?
What are you want? Well, whatever you want is fine with me.
Well whatever you want fun with me?
Well, what do you want me to want?
I want you to want something that I will happen to want by coincidence Which is what whatever you want?
You know why it's so um You know why it's so tempting to submit and give your life away It's easy It's so much easier when someone else tells you how to eat, how to love, how to think, how to spend your time, I mean, there's nothing to it.
You just put on your seatbelt and off you go, watching your life go by from the passenger seat.
You give up your whole personality just to be liked.
And what are you left with?
Just another joke, your people pleased to survive, only to survive into a life that's not even your own.
How's that for a punchline?
I know I have to do this.
I know I have to break up.
I know I have to let go of that guy.
God! Why can't I just go back to sleep and avoid my problems like I always do?
Oh, I want those melatonin gumies work.
can't sleep, huh? I heard a good one today.
A guys had been seeing this matchmaker for ten years now, and one day he meets with her.
He says, you know, after years of disliking the way I look, I realize I'm not ugly.
I'm just not my type.
**Laughter** Where?
Oh, we need to talk What about?
About our future together What about our future together?
Well, that's the thing there isn't one I can't do this anymore What are you talking about?
I mean I can't do this anymore This relationship We're done Well, that's going to be a bit impossible I know there's a lot to hear but Impossible why do you say that?
cuz you're talking to yourself Well, I don't care, alright?
I don't want to be in this relationship anymore and that's just the way I feel about it, okay?
The way you feel about it?
You're talking to yourself here.
Baron I just don't love you anymore.
You never loved yourself.
That's why you wanted to be liked by everybody because you thought if no one could love you, at least they could like you.
Don't change the subject.
You always do that.
You mean, you always do that.
Don't pin the blame on me now.
At least, take the responsibility for what you've done down here would I done to whom?
to me I am you I'm nothing like you oh yeah who you talking to then?
what do you see here?
I see a guy who's been taking steps back since the day he was born and I can't do it anymore I tell you it's become too much I'm not even a person anymore I'm just background I betrayed my whole little damned self.
And for what? For nothing, so I can be liked by people I don't even like myself.
Surely life can't be all this.
Can't even logically explain how I let my life get to this.
I'm me. I belong to me.
I'm not what you or her, or what anyone else said I was.
You know your problem?
Our problem. You never wanted to be the villain.
You You always wanted to be the hero, you know, the good guy.
And let me tell you, you're no hero to anybody if you're trying to be a hero to everybody.
You know, people yelled at us as a kid, and couldn't take it.
I wanted to make it go away, and it wouldn't go away unless I just agreed and went along with it, I know.
And I felt so safe being that way, But I think I have to let go of what makes me feel safe now.
I guess so. Want to hear a closer?
Sure. A chicken, a doctor and a lawyer all walk into a bar, and the bartender says, what, is this some kind of joke?
And the chicken says, well, hell, man.
What is it? Good night, Bairn.
Good night, Bairn. I love you.
Oh, I love you too.
I love you too. Thank you.
grand band width That was Baron Ryan at TEDnext 2024.
If you're curious about TED's curation, find out more at TED .com slash curation guidelines.
And that's it for today.
Ted Talks Daily is part of the Ted Audio Collective.
This episode was produced and edited by our team, Martha Estefanos, Oliver Friedman, Brian Green, Autumn Thompson, and Alejandra Salazar.
It was mixed by Christopher Faizi -Bogan.
Additional support from Emma honor and Daniella Thalo firearms.
I'm Elise Heu, I'll be back tomorrow with a fresh idea for your feet.
Thanks for listening.
good luck, and see you later.
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