All right.
Well, if we're listening to a, I guess, a hyperactive version of what are we listening to here, Jordan.
Explain what this is.
I'm going to say that I hear nothing.
There's apparently a technical problem.
Turn the knob on your headphone.
Oh, my God.
What an idiot.
What an audio idiot.
I should have explained that.
Apologies, Jordan.
That's my fault.
All right.
Now let's take a listen.
Just like a Duran Duran 12-inch, like a night version.
Oh, I see.
You know what it is?
Yeah, this is a souped-up version of Tom Sawyer by Rush.
Let's kill it now, because I think the idea is to get listeners, not drive them deep into the woods where they commit suicide.
What's the name of that band?
Mindless Self-Indulgence is the name of it yeah, which is the maybe the correct title for this episode.
Uh, welcome to the conan and jordan show.
And uh, we usually begin with the rush song, tom sawyer, which is that's your favorite band and maybe your favorite song of theirs.
And then this was a hyped up version by the band mindless self-indulgence, and that was a surprise for both of us.
I didn't know that was going to play.
Well, what I'm saying is we've had a bit of time off and there's been a lot of time to think of ideas, and that's what you guys came up with.
Don't include me in this.
Oh, okay.
What they did, imagine a Soviet-era space capsule, and they put two chimps inside.
Now, the scientists, the Russian scientists, have been working hard.
I'm blasting the chimps into space.
But you and I are the chimps.
Okay.
So I was unaware that that was going to happen.
Okay.
And I've done no preparation for this podcast.
Yeah, likewise.
Now, is that the sense?
Do all your podcasts involve the same lack of preparation?
Or do you somehow devalue this one with respect to some of the others?
Conan O'Brien needs a friend.
I actually care about those people.
I see.
We're talking about big stars like Al Pacino.
I'll read his book.
Yeah.
I'll think about all the things I want to talk to Al Pacino about.
Makes sense.
Or if I'm talking to President Barack Obama, I really put a lot of thought into it.
When I call in, as I do in the morning, and say, who am I talking to today?
And they say, it's you and Jordan.
I actually stop off at UCLA and have a portion of my brain removed.
I see.
And destroyed.
You know I've heard you talk about when you have a big guest like Harrison Ford, that there are some extra people out there in the waiting room.
You know, the whole staff shows up, people that don't need to be here.
People are excited.
Yeah, I couldn't help but notice I walked in.
It is empty out there.
There is no one there.
There's one tumbleweed.
And then the tumbleweed left.
Listen, we have a lot to talk about in Jordan.
You know, I do treasure our friendship, if you can call it that.
I don't know what it is, but we have some kind of chemical bond which needs to be eradicated, like smallpox.
But people are fascinated.
They like to listen to us.
They like to watch us travel the world.
You've come with me on some of my adventures.
And we have this show that we do, which people do enjoy, believe it or not.
I haven't seen the metrics.
There are none.
Okay.
There are no metrics.
No one even cares to measure.
No.
Who would measure that?
Right.
But I want to start today with some, I think, good news for you.
Oh.
You have many pet peeves.
You have many sort of causes that you champion, which are a waste of time.
One is food coloring.
You've been bothered about food coloring.
Do you want to give us just a quick tour of what you think about food coloring?
Well, it becomes most apparent when you compare some American food products to their foreign equivalents.
Things like MMs where, if you get them in the United Kingdom, the colors come from.
Things like vegetable juice.
And the colors are a bit muted, I guess, compared to America's artificial colors.
Like the British themselves are kind of washed out.
Yeah.
Well, they'll live a bit longer because they have a healthy...
I think they all have massive heart attacks in their 50s because of all the pints they've been having.
But anyway, you're saying that the UK, they use natural food colorings.
They have more stringent requirements about limiting the types of artificial coloring that's used in our food.
And when you talk about artificial flavor, I guess I could see the appeal in it, because you want something to taste a certain way and you can't achieve it otherwise.
But when you talk about artificial color, I mean, how shallow are we that we just need something to look a certain way?
Yeah.
Well, you've made the same point many times that you think the Europeans do things better than we do.
Sometimes.
Well, you tend to mostly lean that way.
You seem a little anti-American to me.
I want to tell you that you should be quite happy.
Robert Kennedy Jr, who is now the health czar of America.
He's in charge of, and rightfully so, given his medical background and his knowledge and his years and years of study.
I think he has a medical degree.
Does he have a medical degree?
Does anyone know?
Are you looking it up right now?
You don't have to.
He does not.
It's not important.
Anyway, Robert Kennedy Jr, RFK Jr, has decided to ban the artificial colors and dyes that are used in the United States.
He wants to get rid of them.
And this is one of those instances where what the government's doing aligns with what you believe in.
And he is getting rid of those colors.
And so probably one of the places you're going to see this most clearly is Fruit Loops.
Yeah.
Now, do you enjoy Fruit Loops, the cereal?
They're not the ideal breakfast cereal, but I've been known to partake.
Ideal in what way?
Well, I did a deep comparison of different breakfast cereals recently and Fruit Loops.
While they have a lot of sweetness, which is enticing, the texture is a little bit too airy.
I like a little bit more substance, like a Golden Grahams is a little more fulfilling an experience.
Yeah.
I love Fruit Loops.
Okay.
I have long been a Fruit Loops fan.
Do you know how to spell Fruit Loops?
What are you talking about?
Do you know how to spell Fruit Loops?
F-R-O-O-T-L-O-O-P-S.
Good job.
Good job.
I went to Harvard.
Yeah.
You don't think I know how to spell Fruit Loops?
Right.
Okay.
So...
Fruit Loops in the future, very soon, they have fluorescent colors now, which I love, by the way.
Those are going to be gone, and they'll have more muted tones.
You may call it muted.
I call it natural.
The way colors occur in nature.
Yeah, but I think that man's job on Earth is to improve upon nature.
They will taste the same.
And I don't know what pleasure you derive in looking at that bright blue color.
And I like the way the colors change the milk.
Okay.
The great thing about Froot Loops with all of the radioactive dyes that we use in the United States is that you can turn off the lights.
And like an alarm clock, you can see, you can still see the little, that's lit up.
That's what I love about Froot Loops.
I don't even eat cereal in milk.
You know what's amazing?
What's that?
Fruity Pebbles.
Have you had Fruity Pebbles?
Yeah, they're a little, their texture is a little bit too slight for me.
I love that texture.
I love how small they are.
I specifically dislike that.
They're like slivers.
Okay.
Well, this is why you and I should never occupy a cell in a prison together, because we just don't get along on some of the major life issues.
But the colors in Fruity Pebbles are insane.
I've never done LSD, and I don't have to, because I've had Fruity Pebbles.
Well, you better stock up now, apparently.
Well, the nice thing is I can stock up and they'll never go bad because of the dyes.
It's true that any box of Froot Loops you buy today will exist in its intact form 10000 years from now and will be edible.
Okay.
Great improv, by the way.
Okay.
I love that we're discussing current events.
I like that this has become the format of the show.
What else is in the news?
And we'll weigh in on it.
Robert Kennedy.
Just inform me in advance if we're going to be changing the format of the show.
No, no.
I mean, we spoke for an hour about breakfast cereal like two weeks ago.
If you want to continue, we can.
I am assuming this is leading to something.
Where's the payoff?
I'm just telling you that we like to occasionally cover run events.
OK, this is a current event.
It's in the news today.
OK, that Robert Kennedy Jr., the very well qualified government official in charge.
Yeah.
In the cabinet, in the Trump cabinet, who's in charge of our health and our welfare?
Who's done, I'm assuming, just years and years and years of hardcore research and study, has decided that this is the best course of action.
Okay.
And I'm assuming it's a good idea.
And I think you agree.
If you're looking for a political opinion, I have none to offer.
I am happy to hear that the United States is moving in the right direction with respect to artificial colors.
Now...
Do you hate bright colors in general?
No, I have no problems with bright colors, but I have a problem with artificial colors.
OK, but when you see a movie you know that they're doing.
Sometimes there's going to be some enhancement to the colors and things like that.
When you see your beloved Star Wars.
When you call it an enhancement, I call it like an HDR color grade in the HDR 10 color space, or perhaps the Dolby Vision color space, maybe even HDR 10 plus.
Of course, I understand that movies are graded.
You're talking to an expert here.
You come in there talking about enhancement.
Do you want to apologize?
Yeah.
I could tell you, I could tell you the IRE level 400 nits.
You're coming to me, you're coming to me like I'm a chimp explaining to me that movies are colored.
You asked me, could I spell Fruit Loops?
Yeah, I like pleasing colors.
You thought I was going to think it was F-R-U-I-T?
Yeah, and let's not pretend that everyone knows that it's F-R-U-I-T.
Of course they know it's that.
Are you kidding me?
You wouldn't call them real Fruit Loops?
No, that's not self- No one would do that.
No, no, no, no.
No, no one asks for, I would like the loops that are made of fruit.
How do you spell Fruity Pebbles?
Fruity Pebbles is actually F-R-U-I-T-Y.
Very good.
Just testing you again.
You did well.
This is what I majored in in college.
I wrote a thesis on Fruity Pebbles versus Fruit Loops.
Guess what?
Summa Cum Laude.
Okay.
Yeah.
I actually went to Oxford and was given several prizes for this dissertation, if you will.
Okay.
Well, we're going to move on.
I hope so.
I thought this was going somewhere.
That was it.
That was the climax of that particular hunk.
You should be pleased with how that went.
All right.
Because I've great.
I've listened to some of our last conversations.
This is a home run compared to some of them.
Good stuff.
OK.
Yeah.
And I just want you to know that that's what's happening in the news.
And I'm glad you're happy.
Right.
Your choice.
OK.
Your choice for the person who would lead this nation on health.
Robert F. Kennedy Jr. has is in full agreement with you on most everything.
Maybe we could talk about interest rates next.
No, no, no.
Yeah.
You're also an anti-vaxxer, I believe.
Just going to get that out there.
And a flat earther, I believe, as well.
You think if you go too far in Europe looking for a cappuccino, you'll fall off the edge of the earth?
Is that true?
And then a dinosaur will eat you.
Jordan, you and I have spent a lot of time together.
And you have certain obsessions.
One of them is pronunciation.
It's important to you.
Yeah.
And sometimes your pronunciation of words is quite different than not just me, but what most people would think is the correct pronunciation.
Oh, okay.
That may be the case.
I can't speak for how people interpret the things I say.
When you and I were doing the travel show for Max and we were in Argentina, I said it would be a good idea if we took lessons and learned how to dance the tango.
You corrected me and said it's the tango.
That's the closest I've ever come to hitting you.
I've slapped you before, but I never struck you with a closed fist.
That's the closest I ever came to striking you.
You insisted it was the tango, and it was an insane moment.
Okay.
And I think if you go online, people will realize that you were in the wrong.
Well, you're constantly correcting my pronunciation, and I think you're errant.
I decided to bring somebody in who actually knows about linguistics, and I believe...
You're a big fan of his YouTube channel.
I'm talking about Luke Ranieri.
Oh, yes.
Excellent.
Luke Ranieri is here and he's going to come in now.
I think he's being probably.
Oh, yes.
Hello, Luke.
How are you?
I'm great.
How are you doing?
Tell me a little bit about yourself, because I'm not knowledgeable about your YouTube channel.
But thank you so much for joining us.
Tell us a little bit about how you became fascinated with pronunciation linguistics.
Oh, thanks for having me.
Yeah, I just fell in love with Italian and then later Latin.
And for whatever reason, I wanted to speak Latin.
I would just, for no reason, I was just a weirdo like that.
And so, wanting to speak an ancient language, I wanted to just figure out how it's actually pronounced.
And thankfully, lots of people smarter than me wrote lots of books about that.
And so I studied that.
And then eventually I started talking about that on YouTube how to pronounce Latin and ancient Greek in ancient pronunciations.
Well, I don't know how familiar you are with my dynamic with Jordan Schlansky, but for many years now he and I have sort of like the coyote and the roadrunner.
We've been at war and we disagree about a lot of things.
Jordan is constantly correcting my pronunciation of certain words.
There are times where I'm convinced he's wrong.
He thought instead of tango, the word was tango.
I don't know where you weigh in on that one, whether it's tango or tango.
Well, in Spanish, it's tango.
But so that's a short ah sound.
And a short ah can go either towards ah.
Oh, I know.
I know it could be tango, but it's not.
He was saying tango the way Tarzan would name a fellow ape.
Hey, tango, come here.
Would you agree that tango would be incorrect?
It could be tango.
A quicker A. I accept that, but I will not accept tango.
I liked your Spanish pronunciation when you said tango.
That sounded good to me.
Tango, sí, pero es importante que nosotros... Claro que sí.
Oh, Dios mío.
Oh, Dios mío, sí, oh.
Yeah.
Yes.
But, okay.
As for English, I think you go a lot of ways.
Okay.
Would you just please agree with me, before we proceed, that tango T-O-N-G-O with a long No, I never spelled it T-O-N-G-O.
It's El Tango.
It's El Tango.
I didn't make the word up.
I'm only reciting it.
Um, Luke, there's no shortage of Spanish speaking people in this town.
You've got, you've got a celebrity here.
You've got one of the few men on earth that can currently speak Latin, both classical and ecclesiastical.
And you're asking about Spanish.
We have 10 people in the building that speak fluent Spanish.
Luke, you're wasting this man's time.
Would you say tango or would you say tongo?
Tongo sounds too much like the Ferengi game from Star Trek Deep Space Nine.
Thank you so much.
Now, before we continue, I'd like to know how to pronounce your name.
Is it Luke Ranieri?
Or is it Ranieri?
What do you prefer?
So in English, I do Ranieri.
And in Italian, it's Ranieri.
I think Ranieri sounds better.
I like it fine.
Yeah.
Okay.
And how do you go with Luke?
Are you Luke?
Like Luke, I am your father.
That would please my compatriot here who's a big Star Wars fan.
It's his religion.
Me too.
Do you go with Luke or just Luke?
I have a brother and I call him Luke.
Okay.
Yeah.
You're not going to divide us.
We have a pre-existing relationship.
Do you understand?
You're the odd.
I see where you're trying to go with this.
I'm going to spoiler alert right now.
He and I are aligned.
Oh, really?
Have you ever?
You guys are aligned.
We may have small differences like any human.
Have you ever danced the tango together?
Well, gentlemen, later we may have a chance to test this and with a little bit of a competition.
We'll find out later.
OK, now there are some words I think you and I have spoken before.
You'll often give me what you say is the correct Latin pronunciation of certain words.
I do the best I can.
Or names like Julius Caesar.
We we say Julius Caesar.
And what do you say, Jordan?
Gaius Julius Geyser.
He says Gaius Julius Geiser.
No, that's not what I said.
What did you say?
No, I said Gaius Julius Geiser.
Okay.
And is that correct, Luke?
For a classical Latin pronunciation, I think that's very good.
Now, do you think... You're not going to win here.
I see why you're trying to go.
Keep trying.
No, but... Now, is it perfect?
No, of course not.
Is it better than what you're throwing out of that pie hole?
Of course it is.
So my speaking is hurling things out of a pie hole.
So what you're saying, Jordan, do you say Jordan?
How do you pronounce it?
Jordan.
Jordan?
Yeah.
Oh, I say Jordan.
Gaius Jordan.
And what do you say for Caesar?
Julius.
Oh, Geyser.
Geyser.
Well, that's the classical Latin, of course.
It's Caesar in the ecclesiastical Latin.
You should know that you're a Roman Catholic.
So, Caesar Romero is your favorite joker.
Sure.
Okay, how about Socrates?
First of all, what do you say?
Socrates.
Socrates.
And what do you say, Luke?
So Socrates is the modern Greek pronunciation.
Jordan did it perfectly.
Ancient pronunciation.
It's a classical Attic pronunciation.
Socrates.
Oh, you never did that one.
That actually sounds like if I was getting directions, you know, in my car.
Do you know what I mean?
From a GPS.
You know what I mean?
And it said that I had to take a left on Socrates Boulevard.
It would go, take a left on Socrates Boulevard.
Do you know what I mean?
That's what a little bit would sound like.
I think... most GPS voices are probably programmed to speak in the correct ancient Latin.
And that's why it sounds so weird to us.
Do you agree with that?
I have a real agenda with this man.
If we have his time, I have questions, okay?
I know you have bits that you have planned.
I'd like him to rattle off every astrological sign in Latin.
I'd like you to tell me how to pronounce Tyrannosaurus Rex in Latin.
I want to know how to say Brontosaurus.
I have real questions here.
I think our viewers would care to hear.
I'm going to blow past the astrological signs because that's just cheesy and you're probably going to use that on some dating website.
Tyrannosaurus Rex.
What would be the correct way to say Tyrannosaurus Rex?
Tyrannosaurus Rex with a classical Latin pronunciation.
Wow.
That's a real deal breaker for me.
I mean, you're talking to a kid.
Let's say you're talking to a kid and you just want to say, oh, and let's go to the museum.
I don't want to go.
I don't want to go.
No, come on.
It's really cool.
They have a T-Rex there.
Oh, cool.
I will go to the museum.
I love a T-Rex.
Jordan, when he's talking to his kids, he's going to say do you want to come see a Tyrannosaurus Rex?
Yeah.
And the kid's going to go, no, I don't.
And so your kids are never going to see a natural history museum in their lives because you're such a freak.
Okay.
Brontosaurus.
How do you say it?
Brontosaurus.
From the word bronte, meaning thunder in Greek, and of course the saurus means a lizard or a reptile.
Of course.
Yeah.
Now, caveat, we have all these Latin words.
Is caveat the way to say it?
Or is it caveat?
I say caveat.
Oh, I say caveat.
Caveat.
Kaweat means may he or she be careful.
Watch out, kaweat.
But the caveat I would bring up is the fact that we have these names from Latin, ancient Greek, other languages, and we've anglicized them, like Caesar.
And we can say, if we're speaking in Latin, we'll say Kaisar or Jazar, potentially.
But in English, we have these English pronunciations, like Caesar and Tyrannosaurus Rex.
I mean, I would like to see you go to an Olive Garden and ask for a geyser salad and see what you get.
You know what I mean?
It's not going to happen.
Okay.
So I think sometimes it's off-putting.
I guess that's what I would say to you, Luke.
I appreciate your knowledge and I appreciate that someone is making sure they understand the long-dead pronunciation of these names.
But
When Jordan does it in real life, it can feel like a put down and it can be socially a little awkward.
Could you see how that would be?
Having done that for a long time and then changing my own behavior.
Yes, I can understand.
So you modified your behavior because you realize I'm not going to say guys are.
I'm going to say, yeah, well, Caesar was stabbed in the eyes of March by his felt by the senators.
That's what you would say.
You wouldn't say guys are right.
Usually talking about history.
Yeah, Caesar was stabbed by Brutus and Cassius and the rest of the conspirators.
So learn that Luke, because he's a human and has lived among humans, has altered his behavior somewhat, even though he is an expert.
Mm-hmm.
Far more than you at all these pronunciations.
He has altered his behavior somewhat in order to fit in society better.
He has a forum to disperse his knowledge.
He has an excellent couple.
It's called full room.
That's.
Close.
He has a couple of YouTube channels where he can talk about these things.
This is my forum.
Do you understand?
This is my chance.
Do you know what I've done here?
I've started a dialogue.
There are millions of people listening right now that now know how to pronounce.
And they never it never even occurred to them before.
And they know how to pronounce the real names of dinosaurs.
I'd like to cover Greek gods.
I want to talk about things like habeas corpus and eploribus unum.
We say these words every day, but we don't know where they come from.
You're providing a service.
So many dates aren't going to happen because you've provided this knowledge.
So many guys are going to be at bars and they're going to say, by the way, it's not Caesar, it's Geyser.
And then they're going to go to say something else and the girl is gone.
Well, in fairness, in fairness, my fiance liked me because I was talking about those things.
That's how we met.
I think she's Italian.
He has a beautiful fiance.
She is.
This man is, I just want you to respect who you're speaking to right now, okay?
Can I just say one thing, Luke?
This man is like a celebrity.
I have no proof.
There's no proof here that you're a fiance.
It could be the old girlfriend in Canada bit.
We have no proof that this girlfriend's real.
She's probably in the next room.
Their pictures are right here.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, I've got a picture, too.
Do you want to see the picture of my girlfriend?
Yeah, it's it's I've got lots of pictures of my girlfriends from the past.
Now they're going to look a little like supermodels that you've seen, but they were really my girlfriends.
Do you know that you're not an Aries?
You're an audience.
I didn't know that.
Yeah, I did.
Well, now you learn something new and and you could for the rest of your life.
And you are what is what is an audience to?
Yeah.
Well, you're April 18th.
You should know my birthday.
It's five days before yours.
I share it with Max Weinberg.
I don't know your birthday because I don't want to know your birthday.
Maybe after 30 years, it's time that you learn these things.
You could have wished me well.
Happy belated birthdays.
Thank you.
Thank you so much.
Well, how would you say, are you familiar with the Karate Kid movies?
Absolutely.
Do you know who they starred?
They starred Ralph Macchio.
How would you pronounce his name?
I remember it's M-A-C-C-H-I-O, right?
Yeah, yeah.
Macchio.
In Italian, it's Macchio.
Yeah.
Ralph Macchio, Lou Ferrigno.
Lou Ferrigno, the Hulk?
Lou Ferrigno, the Hulk.
But here's where we get into an interesting thing.
There is how they're known. meaning how they are known throughout the world.
So you could be a huge fan of Ralph Macchio.
I'm sure, even if you pulled Ralph, if a state trooper pulled over a sports car and the plate said Karate Kid 1, Karate Kid 2, whatever it was a license, vanity license plate, and the thing went down and he said license and registration, what's your name, sir?
And it was ralph, the star of those films, and he said uh, he would say i'm ralph macchio.
He wouldn't say i'm ralph macchio.
So this is important to me, that you're saying what you think it should have been 10 000 years ago, but No one calls it that.
I mean, my name is Conan O'Brien.
What would my name have been, you know, 800 years ago in Ireland?
I assume it was something like Conan, because I think that's what it is in Irish, Conan.
But yeah, that's a good point.
But O'Brien would be like O'Brien.
It would be Gaelic.
I don't know.
But that is not my name.
My name is Conan O'Brien.
That's true.
Though if we Latinize your name, it would be Conanus Briennius or something like that, which would sound cool.
We like to Latinize our names when we speak because it makes it easier for different parts of the grammar.
So we have Conanus Briennius and Jordanes Lanscius.
Do you wish that I called you that?
No, I like to I appreciate all these factoids.
Many people spend time on the Internet watching various things.
I appreciate spending a couple hours watching Luke and his excellent dissertations about any number of subjects.
However, I believe in staying true to one's background, so to speak.
So I would want to know more of the Polish Russian origins of my name and background.
Irish for yours.
But yeah, there are so many things I have to ask Luke, but I'll have to save them for another time because it appears you have an agenda of jokes and quips.
So I'll let you I'll let you take the lead.
I'll let you take the lead.
We'll converse offline.
Why don't you test us, Luke?
Why don't you test us on the pronunciations of historical Greek and Roman names?
You think that's maybe a good test for the both of us?
And we'll see.
All right.
I think that's a great idea.
Let's try that.
And let's start with what we're going to do.
We're going to play a little game.
Okay.
And you'll both get the chance to steal.
Now, let's start with speaking of the assassination of Julius Caesar.
Here was one of the men behind it.
Now, Conan, we're going to start with you.
You can pronounce his whole name or just that.
We'll call it last name.
Well, he was stabbed by Brutus, and so I'm just going to say it was Brutus.
And now you've got to try to do it in a classical Latin pronunciation.
Best you can.
Marcus Junius Brutus.
Is that it?
Not bad.
Not bad.
Yeah, I just did it the worst way.
I did it the stupidest way I could think of, and you said that was pretty close.
Now you go for it there, Chimpy.
I would go with Marcus Junius Brutus.
Okay.
I'm going to give that point to Jordan.
Okay.
Okay.
So when he said you too, Brutus, he was saying et tu, Brutus?
Brute.
Brute.
So you too, Brutus.
Okay.
Yeah.
That's a lot to get out while you're.
I mean, he was bleeding out of, I think, maybe 35 different knife wounds and he had to get all that out.
Some historians say he didn't say anything.
Others said he, in fact, said, he said in Greek, and you, my child, and you, my son.
Yeah.
And others, et tu, Brute, is another rendition.
And also there's one account where he just went, what the fuck?
What the fuck?
Can you imagine if you can go back in time in a time machine and hear everyone?
How beautiful is that?
Even when he says something like et tu, Brute?
Can you imagine hearing everyone speaking like that, dressed in their togas?
I can imagine the togas.
Yeah.
I do that a lot.
Yeah.
Okay, continue, sir.
All right.
So speaking of Brutus, this was his wife.
How is this pronounced in Latin?
Jordan, we're going to start with you.
Classical Latin pronunciation.
Classical Latin, Porchia.
And I'd go ecclesiastical, I'd go Portia.
Very nice.
I'm going to go Portia.
Not bad, but I think I'm going to have to give that point to Jordan.
We call her Portia.
I see the fix is in.
Yeah, it means a little piglet.
Oh, that's a nice, that's great.
That's great.
That's some real misogyny there from Brutus.
Hey, hey, little piglet, come here.
That's nice.
Women love it when you call them little piglet.
I'm going to go home tonight and my wife and say, hey there, little piglet.
It's even worse because, in a way, women in ancient Rome didn't get their own names.
The usual name that they were called was just the feminine version of their father's family tribe name.
Yep.
They wonder why that empire fell and is no more.
When you don't treat the women right, the empire crumbles.
A word of warning.
Well, how about a poet or two?
Let's start with this one.
First, Conan, can you guess what we call this poet in English?
Because it's a little bit different.
I'm going to say in English, it's Virgilius.
Oh, that's right.
Yeah.
Virgil.
Very good.
And what can you, your best classical Latin pronunciation, Conan?
Virgilius.
Not bad.
Not bad.
You know, because you guessed it was Virgil and the Virgilius sounded pretty good.
We used, we pronounced the V as a W. I was going to go that way.
I could have gone that way, but I knew that it was a fork in the road and I could take either one.
I like that.
That was good.
I think I get that point.
We don't even have to try, Jordan.
I'm giving that point.
Just so you know, we're keeping score.
This is a free and fair game show, so this is all correct and above board.
Of the game shows that have existed in the world, this might be the worst.
And I say that with kindness, but let's continue.
And that may be.
Well, let's take this one.
Jordan, what poet is this in English?
What do we call him in English?
Horatio in English?
Oh, not usually.
Oh.
It's Horace.
That's right.
Conan is correct.
And how would we pronounce this in classical Latin?
Jordan.
Horatius.
Horatius.
Yeah.
Very good.
I'm sorry.
You got to give me both of those points.
I gave you both a point.
I knew it was Horace.
He didn't even know who it was.
Well, how many points do we have now?
We have three to two Jordans in the lead.
Okay.
Let's go one more time.
And you have to ask me first.
Okay, let's do a Greek one.
This is a mythological figure.
Of course, we would know him as Odysseus.
Right, very good.
But in the Greek, it would be Odysseus.
Odysseus.
Odysseus.
Odysseus.
I'll just get to the chopper.
It's not a tumor.
Odysseus.
Odysseus.
Odysseus.
Odysseus.
What do you think?
We get it in there?
Yes, you are.
Yeah, definitely getting there.
Jordan.
Well, first of all, we know Odysseus was Ulysses in Rome.
And despite the pronunciation which I'm not familiar with, I will tell you that a lot of people know about the Iliad, but do they also know about the Odyssey?
Do people know that nobody could string Odysseus' bow except his son Telemachus?
Or is it Telemachus?
And he had all these suitors coming after his wife and and, and he had a dog and the dog was the only one that recognized.
They thought he was dead.
And he comes back and the dog is the only one that recognizes him.
And all these suitors are trying to string this bow, but they can't string the bow.
And then Odysseus gets up there in disguise and he strings the bow and he executes the suitors and everyone lives happily ever after.
If you were on the street in say, San Diego and it was two o'clock in the morning and you said all of that, the police would put a blanket around you.
Yeah.
And then they would take you to a shelter and you'd be medicated.
Right.
And the body cam footage would totally exonerate those policemen.
I understand.
You just raved like an absolute fucking lunatic.
Yeah.
And even I.
I mean, you have the safety of being on a zoom Luke, but even you retreated somewhat from the camera.
Wasn't that a little bit frightening?
The intensity of that speech.
Well, it's kind of like, you know, Tower of Terror.
Sometimes frightening is enjoyable.
There are people out there that appreciate me.
You need to understand that.
I'm a polarizing individual.
Yeah, there's a Yeti.
There's a Yeti out there and I haven't met it.
I've heard tell, but no one has footage.
I have never seen even a photograph of someone who enjoys what you're saying.
What I'm saying is, you know, I am polarizing.
I understand that there are people.
Polarizing means half are with you, half are against you.
That's why you aren't polarizing.
You are completely alienating.
OK, no one is in your corner.
I've never met anybody who's in your corner.
OK, ever.
All right.
Ever.
I understand.
Ever.
The people that dislike me, I get it.
I really do.
That's called humanity.
That's the population of Earth.
Yeah.
But the people that can tolerate me, I get you, too.
I'd like to meet him.
Yeah.
All right.
Well, I want to thank you.
Luke has been lovely talking to you.
And I do appreciate what you do.
You seem like a lovely person.
I am going to check out your YouTube channel.
I want to give you a shout out, Luke.
Ranieri, or you would say Ranieri.
No, he wouldn't.
He'd say Ranieri.
Don't argue.
The man who actually, it's his name.
Yeah, well, you don't know.
He knows.
How can they access your YouTube channel?
What's the best way to find it?
Well, yeah, if you search for Luke Ranieri, you'll find both of them really easily.
Great.
And otherwise, the main channel is called Polymathy.
It's like polymath with a Y at the end, polymathy.
And you can find a lot of my videos that way.
Well, I am a fan of people who know their stuff.
You seem to know your stuff and you seem like a very affable fellow.
And so I wish you all the best.
And it really has been nice talking to you.
Thank you for intervening here because this was an intervention.
And Jordan, I do think now you may know some of what you're talking about.
Okay.
I still think you're completely wrong on Tongo, and I know that Luke agreed with me on that.
And that'll wrap this section up.
Okay.
For better or worse, and I'm not going to say worse, this was the Conan and Jordan show.
And Jordan, once again, I wouldn't say it's a pleasure, but it certainly is an experience.
Okay.
You are so additive to the process.
You're sullen okays.
If I have nothing to contribute, I'm not going to pretend to contribute.
Okay.
But you know, when I do say something, it means something.
Okay.
Are you about to snap?
I have nothing to say right now.
Okay.
Well, for a guy with nothing to say, you are very animated and you seem furious.
So we're going to go to take this out.
This has been our episode of The Conan and Jordan Show.
We hope you enjoyed it.
We certainly have an interesting time making these.
We hope you find value in this process.
I'm just going to mutter on my way out.
Jordan?
I have nothing to mutter.
The Conan and Jordan Show with Conan O'Brien and Jordan Schlansky is produced by me, Frank Smiley.
Executive produced by Adam Sachs, Jeff Ross, and Jim McClure.
Engineering and mixing by Eduardo Perez.
Our supervising producer is Andrew Gruss.
Talent booking by Paula Davis, Gina Batista, and Britt Kahn.
The theme song is Tom Sawyer by Rush.
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