Let's time our sips so they happen at the same time.
You're actually not the oldest person I've ever dated.
Yeah, I was worried about the age gap.
Okay.
You're very young, and I'm in my late forties.
Oh, okay.
I'm not interested.
You're not interested.
I'm not interested.
You're saying that up front.
I'm just saying.
That's a terrible way to start a date.
Don't take us too seriously.
I didn't think this was really a date because I am quite old.
This is the cue for you to say you look great in person.
And you don't look like anything that everyone says you do.
What are people saying?
That you look like a sad Victorian child.
A pumpkin that's melted.
Yeah, I do get that.
When I walk down the street, people shout out windows, hey, melting pumpkin.
People shout, hey, chicken, to me.
Do they really?
Yeah.
That's a compliment.
Conan.
Conan.
Conan.
It's an unusual name.
I've never heard that name before.
My father gave me that name because he wanted it to be interesting.
He went to a library and looked up that name.
It's like an old Gaelic name.
Let me know when this gets interesting for you.
Okay.
Okay?
Can I call you Coco?
Yeah.
Are your fans called the Coco?
Coco nuts.
That's very good.
The Coco nuts.
Tom Hanks gave me the nickname.
Oh, great, brilliant.
Did I just mention a big celebrity?
I don't drink caffeine.
Is that a turn off?
Bit of a turn off.
It honestly just was not agreeing with my stomach.
I don't want to ask anymore about that.
Well, I just have stomach problems, I think.
This is Los Angeles.
I drove a long way to be here.
You drove about five minutes.
That's a long way for me.
I came here because you said it was a date.
And you start by saying you're not interested.
Then you start talking about how my face looks like a rotting pumpkin.
Well, I said some people have said that.
And then your big finish was, I sometimes get stomach problems.
Yes.
This isn't a good situation.
It's not going well.
I saw you with Andrew Garfield.
Oh, yeah.
And there was just so much chemistry. and I'm not feeling any of that right now.
Well, you're not Andrew Garfield.
I could have been Spider-Man.
Really?
Yeah.
Okay.
Like a very tall, thin, older Spider-Man.
Yeah, and you can jump from high buildings?
Not really, no, that would be, no, he wouldn't do that.
My Spider-Man is very needy, emotionally needy.
Is that because actually that's who you are?
Yes, I am emotionally needy.
Well, I don't know if that's gonna work, is it?
Is that a British thing or is that just specific to you?
I think it's a me thing.
I think I'm quite- Dead inside.
Dead inside.
Dead inside.
Yeah.
Thanks for noticing.
So you've been married for over 25 years.
Congratulations.
What's the secret to a long lasting relationship?
We spend a lot of time apart.
I don't think I've seen my wife in nine years.
What?
Yeah.
Do you remember what she looks like?
I'm going to say blonde.
Blonde.
Blonde?
Smaller.
Smaller than you?
I hope so.
OK.
If I married a woman that was taller than me, where'd I meet her?
The circus?
Would you say there was a difference between humor in England and America?
Yes.
What is it?
Let's see.
We like people falling down and we like fart noises.
You guys like irony and... I quite like a falling down.
I mean, that could be the very first joke.
Caveman outside the cave falls.
Other cavemen, ha, ha, ha.
We see other people's tragedy as inherently amusing.
Didn't that sound smart?
That was really good, actually.
I'm going to write that down.
You cover your mouth.
It's very polite.
Yeah, I do that quite a lot.
Guess what?
Americans don't do that.
Yeah, I've seen your hot ones.
We like people to see into our mouth when we're chewing.
To me, that is a turn off, chewing with the mouth open.
No, don't.
You'd like a goat.
How'd you get your hair so perfect?
Well, I thought about getting a wig a couple of years ago.
What?
I thought about it because then I don't have to worry about this thing.
Okay.
Look at this.
But if you had a wig, would it not still do that?
No, it wouldn't.
It's pretty fabulous.
Well, that's pretty nice of you.
It's pretty fabulous.
Yeah.
Have you ever thought about dyeing your hair a different color?
Jet black.
Really?
Jet black and then jet black eyebrows.
You'd look like John Travolta.
No.
No, I wouldn't.
There's a cruelty to you.
Okay.
And I think I like that.
Yes.
Since I first met you last year.
Yeah.
We met outside the Oscars.
I know.
It's very memorable.
I don't remember it.
Okay.
There was an immediate, for me anyway, this woman is being very abusive to me.
I wasn't being abusive to you.
A little bit.
You're being oversensitive there.
A little bit.
I liked it.
Don't get me wrong.
What do you think of the food?
Oh, you changed the subject quickly.
Yeah, I'm changing the subject now.
This is what a child eats.
What was the worst thing about hosting the Oscars last year?
Last year, I kept thinking, this is going to be great.
I'm going to meet all this amazing talent.
And then I could tell they were keeping the talent on the other side of the stage.
Huge names were coming out.
I couldn't get near them.
What did you want to do to them?
It's nothing creepy.
I just like to hold them.
Hold them, OK.
Well, I was gonna say that you are in one of the Oscar movies.
Yeah, I am.
If I'd have legs, I'd kick you.
Yes.
And I thought you were fantastic.
Did you just give me a compliment?
I gave you a compliment, yeah.
Wow.
Do you think you're gonna do more dramatic acting roles?
I keep waiting for the phone to ring.
It doesn't ring.
Really?
I think my phone is a toy phone.
Well, I'm making a rom-com.
You're gonna make a rom-com?
Yeah, so if you wanna be, you know, you could be like, you could be the old friend or something.
You could be like the... Old friend.
You could be like a server in a restaurant or something.
I would love to be in your rom-com.
Okay, cool.
And I will play an old servant.
That's a good idea.
That's fantastic.
That's great.
Let me try it out.
Some chips.
These are chips, right?
In your world?
Those are chips.
Okay.
Fancy some chips?
Yes, thank you, sir.
I will have a chip.
There you go.
Oh, that is delicious.
Well, if you need anything else, ma'am, I'll be in the loo.
In the loo.
I don't really know much about American history.
What's your favorite fact about President Lincoln?
Exactly his height.
He was six feet, four inches tall.
I'm six feet, four inches tall.
He was long in the leg.
I'm long in the leg.
He was prone to depression.
I'm prone to depression.
I united the United States.
I brought them back together again.
He did.
He did that.
Yeah, I got confused.
I thought I was Lincoln for a second.
He did that.
Are you guys still mad about the American Revolution and us leaving you because we didn't want to pay taxes, or is it all?
Percy, I'm over it.
I think once you guys had Wham.
That's a good one.
You know what?
Let's never do that again.
Okay.
Sorry, there's lots of flies here.
There were no flies when you were talking to Andrew Garfield or Jennifer Lawrence.
We edited them out.
No.
You got to here, there were flies, and you said, it's just Conan.
Let's go for it.
Maybe you brought the flies with you.
Did you ever think about that?
I brought two.
There's like six here.
Why do you think I'm single?
Uh.
You're intimidating.
No.
You are.
I am intimidating.
I think guys would be afraid to approach you.
Yeah.
Sorry, look.
You OK?
No, look, chicken in my teeth.
Like I said before you did that, you're intimidating.
Mm.
What surprised you about me when you first met me?
What did you not expect?
The thing is with you is you're actually quite nice.
I don't know if that's what you wanted to hear, No, I was hoping it would be, that's a man's man.
That you're a man's man?
Yeah.
Well, how was I going to know that?
What is even a man's, what is a man's man?
It's a man who belongs to another man.
Okay.
So like a gay man?
What, who's man?
What man are we talking about?
Well, this has been really fun.
This has been nice.
I don't believe you.
This has been great.
No, I don't think it has been.
What?
Because I saw you with Garfield, and it was magical.
Stop talking about other people, okay, when we're together, because it's not, it's pathetic, really.
He's so charming.
He's so charming.
Is he?
I don't know.
I think I aimed too high today.
I came in thinking, I'll be like a Garfield.
And I'm not.
You know?
I think you should be a bit more confident in yourself.
Like, you've got a lot going for you.
It's too late.
You're hosting the Oscars.
That's like doing jury duty here in America.
That's a punishment.
Right.
Sarah, you are going 65 in the 55 zone.
You've got to host the Oscars.
Maybe this will be your last year as well.
So that could be positive.
Last year at the Oscars or just last year?
Can you upgrade my seat?
Because last time, I just think I could be in a better seat.
Where were you last year?
A bit in the back.
Were you in the parking lot last year?
No, I wasn't in the parking lot.
I was in the seat.
I mean, if you could bottle this chemistry.
I'd be rich?
No, you'd have a toxin.
You'd have a major toxin.
It's been a delight.
It's been great.
Okay, cool.
Got to go.
I've got to go now.
In my olden days, I would say we have to do a commercial.
That's how I'd get out of things.
No, we don't cut to commercial here.
Aqua water pick.
Goodbye.
Get the chicken out of your teeth.
