Warrior, mean, mean stride Today's Tom Sawyer, mean, mean pride Yes.
Hey there.
If you're hearing that song, it means it's the Conan and Jordan show.
That's correct.
You know, as I was listening to that song, something occurred to me.
Let's give them a shout out.
By Rush.
I believe listening to it that that's the 2015 Sean McGee remaster.
He works at Abbey Road Studios.
He did the Beatles 2009 CD set.
Anyway, it's got good dynamic range, but I just thought of a new show.
You know, I have a hobby that you may not be aware of.
I collect various CD pressings from all over the world.
I didn't know that.
Yeah.
So modern music is generally standardized in whatever country you live in.
You're getting the same CD quality.
But back in the 80s and 90s, CDs in different countries had different sounds.
They were mastered by different people.
And I always pick my favorite.
I've spent many thousands of dollars on this hobby.
I have my favorite versions of moving pictures.
In fact, the atomic CD from Mercury with the matrix number ending from three to five is my favorite.
Anyway, so here's my idea.
I just say one thing yeah, i don't believe in judging other people's passions.
Okay, but that's a stupid hobby okay, because no one listens to cds anymore.
It's an outmoded.
Well, you like music, you?
And if i tell you i can give you the best beatles pressing whatever you're listening to rubber soul on, i can give you a better version of rubber soul.
Okay, i would take the 1965 stereo 2 cut vinyl pressing by a certain vinyl ripper.
That i know.
But my whole point is i think you are the ripper, my point is, my point is jordan, before you get into your idea, i just want to slow you down because you came out of the gate hot.
Yes well, I was inspired.
You were like a bucking bronco.
We play that song because that's one of... Your favorite band is Rush.
Yes.
And you got to know them.
Because of the fame that you accrued on my show, you got to know Rush.
Yeah.
And they actually let you come out at one of their concerts, on stage with them, which I imagine was A couple.
Yeah, okay.
Well, one time you were invited, and the other time you sort of rushed the stage.
But my point, and I'm getting to my point, is that...
You heard that's why we play the Rush song up top is because you're a fanatic for it.
But then you launch in this whole thing about CDs.
Everyone, every audiophile agrees that CD is not the way to listen to music.
OK, well, this is a cliche and a theory by those that are uneducated.
Sometimes a vinyl pressing.
You're calling Neil Young uneducated.
Jack White uneducated.
I know these are master music.
Neil Young appreciates the value of dynamic range.
It was featured heavily in his Pono music service.
Nevertheless, sometimes the format itself is mostly irrelevant.
OK, what is relevant is the particular mastering.
So sometimes the CD will have the better mastering.
Sometimes the vinyl will have the better mastering.
I have so much to say on this.
I know you do.
I'm here to help you.
First of all, you understand that the point of doing a show on the radio like this is to get people to listen.
Yeah.
Okay.
Get them hooked.
Yeah.
You are driving them out right now.
So say you.
There are people.
There's a community.
I'm part of online forums.
There's a community of people like me out there.
I know you're a part of online forums.
It's called the Jordan Schlansky Music Hour.
I bring in my extensive collection of music.
This is the Conan and Jordan show.
Do you need content for this station?
Because I have an idea.
This is free content.
I do an hour every week.
And I play my favorite pressings of different songs.
John Parr's St.
Elmo's Fire.
Do you know that the first note is upcut on most of the CD releases?
However, there's one particular one where the note is intact.
Don't you think your viewers would want to hear that?
Okay, I'm just turning to our SXM official in the room.
Identify yourself, sir, if you don't mind.
Very quickly.
Andrew Groos.
Andrew Groos.
Andrew, and just be completely honest, because you guys run a business at SXM.
Is what Jordan's pitching of interest to you?
It feels a little niche, but I'm willing to hear an hour.
Yeah.
But I also have facts about these songs that people don't understand.
That is not what I wanted, Groose.
Groose, that was your chance to shut.
That was your chance to put out a forest fire.
I have some things to say about Andrew Groose since we've brought him up.
Now, here's why.
Here's why I think Andrew Groose has such charisma and is such a compelling person.
OK, physically, he's a very powerful man, powerful and imposing.
I think you like six, six, six, seven.
OK, he's tall.
He's got a great musculature.
OK.
I thought you were married.
OK.
OK.
So his posture is solid.
He feels like he would not blow over.
But he is the sweetest, most gentle guy.
And I think you're going to use are you going to use the term gentle giant?
Yeah, he's a gentle giant, but it's his sweetness, in combination with his physical nature, that makes him so fascinating.
And it reminds me of kind of Michael Crawford, the original Phantom of the Opera, who started in 1986 in the West End and then moved to Broadway in 1988.
He was a menacing character.
Okay.
And he was terrifying, but he had an effeminate voice.
He when he would sing high those notes.
It's kind of like early Billy Joel before cigarettes got to him.
If you look at the 1975 old gray whistle test performance of piano man, his voice is so pure and high.
And it's that combination of the masculine rough and tumble nature with that.
That's not helping.
You know, that's just, that's cruel.
And that's an old cliche of this falling asleep.
And we're not going to do that here.
We're going to rise above that.
I'm just going to tell him to shut his yap.
Okay.
You've got to stop now.
Jordan, this seems to be a back and forth.
And I feel what's happening here is I take the tennis ball and I hit it over to your side across the net and you grab it and you shove it up your ass and walk away.
There's no back and forth here.
So let's not do that.
Let's have a real conversation.
But I think we should have free time.
Like, I know you have scheduled things, an agenda, if you will.
But I think we should leave time to just discuss things that are interested, that we're interested by in any particular time, that one would find interesting.
I think should be the key, not just that you find interesting.
Well, me and you, because we are 50 percent stakeholders in this show.
Not financially, of course.
No, you'll never see a dime from this.
But in terms of content, let's talk about something that is related to something.
I would like to ask you why is it that you wear that same shirt on every oh yes, the uh, the famous um practice of albert einstein?
Uh, excuse me, it's einstein.
Oh no, it's einstein.
No, he was a german, i know, but people just say einstein.
Well, i say einstein in the country of germany where he comes.
He said einstein, you are not in germany right now.
You just say i don't need to be in germany.
I know how to pronounce the man's name it's einstein.
I've lived a good long life.
I've spoken to many people.
This great mind has come up many times.
I've never heard anybody say Einstein.
Well, now you've heard it.
All right.
I wish I had a mild acid, a very mild acid that I could throw on you.
As described by Jeff Goldblum in 1986's The Fly by David Cronenberg, Albert Einstein wore the same outfit every day, so he didn't have to devote mental energy into choosing his outfit.
We are weakened by every decision we make.
Steve Jobs did the same thing.
He always wore the same outfit.
It goes back to Albert Einstein.
Einstein.
And Steve Jobs...
But but my point, Jordan, is that I see why they didn't want to devote valuable energy of the mind.
But you have I want to put this in a way that's not insulting.
But you know I would be OK with you using up some of your brain, not on Rush or on the best place to get a weird up cut of a CD for St.
Elmo's Fire and a little more on just picking out a shirt.
I want to avoid the up cut.
Nobody wants the up cut.
Everybody wants that solid first note.
I'm fine with the St.
Elmo's Fire that came out, right?
You don't know what you're fine with.
You take what you're given.
You subscribe to compressed music services.
I like uncompressed, high dynamic range music.
Do you know the lyrics to St.
Elmo's Fire?
Yeah.
Let's hear them.
What part would you like?
Just go.
Growing up.
Well, you know what?
We've talked about.
You got it or you don't have it?
I could see a new horizon underneath a blazing sky.
I'll be where the eagles are flying higher and higher.
You're under arrest.
You're under arrest for knowing that much of it.
And you know what?
No judge will disagree with me.
You know Charles in charge.
Charles in charge of our days and our nights.
Charles in charge of our wrongs and our rights.
I want...
Charles in charge of me.
Now, it's cool that I know that.
But do you know what?
I don't like the second season of all the sitcoms.
Let's take Perfect Strangers.
Great, great theme song.
Sometimes the world looks perfect.
And then the second season.
They always had to add this keyboard flourish or look at growing pains, you know.
Show me that smile again.
But the second season, Jennifer Warren's has to join and make it a duet.
And she doesn't add like her lyrics are the same lyrics that were originally there.
She doesn't add anything.
She just echoes the original lyrics.
You know what I love?
The world right now, many people believe, is in a very dire position.
War, violence, hatred, climate madness.
We could be seeing the end of civilization as we know it.
And you, these are the things that you want to talk about.
These are the things that you're impassioned about.
Negativity doesn't lessen my passion for the things that I love.
And in fact, it enforces it.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Well, I admire that.
I want to talk about something.
I agree with you about negativity.
I'm going to bring up a positive thing, which is that you and I both had birthdays last week.
That's right.
Yours was April 13th.
Yes.
And mine was April 18th.
Yes.
Did you have a nice birthday?
My birthday was adequate.
How did you celebrate it?
You know, I am I'm a private man.
Some say an introvert, some say an observer of humanity.
I like to be the observer, not the observed.
I don't typically publicize.
I asked you, how was your birthday?
And I get this weird.
It's like you're reading from a Kafka novel.
I am a man, a man.
You know, we see a man.
What?
Why?
Why?
Well, you know, I don't like to be celebrated in any way or acknowledge.
Not a problem.
Yeah, not a problem.
Right.
What I'm saying is I don't like any attention.
OK, I prefer to watch things unfold with, you know, sporadic participation.
Yet I don't like people to know things about me and I don't like them to know when it's my birthday.
And I don't like any attention that I might receive.
Should people know that you like to peer at people like, say, through a window?
Would that be is that where you're?
I mean, that's an analogy, I guess.
No, no, not an analogy.
Right.
You're comfortable watching others from a distance and observing them.
Right.
You go on trips by yourself.
I do.
Yeah, I'm an observer.
I'm a student.
I'm a perpetual.
How is your wife?
Because you are married somehow and she's lovely.
I don't understand.
None of us were all baffled.
And you have wonderful children.
When you tell her my dearest love of my life, my companion.
I'm off to Patagonia by myself so I can look at people through windows.
Yes.
What does she say?
You know, there are different people across this great planet.
And for any type of person, there's someone that adores them.
I'll translate that for every Mickey.
There's a mini.
Yeah.
So you're saying your wife's cool with it.
She's probably quite eager.
Does she get do you notice palpable excitement when you say you're leaving for a while?
What I'm saying is, while you may not appreciate all my nuances, there are people that do appreciate these things.
Has anyone seen his wife?
I have met her.
She's lovely.
Oh, really?
She's lovely.
I've met his wife, yeah.
And she's very nice.
You married well, Jordan.
And she's a saint, my God.
But she must have some system for you that I have not cracked yet where she gets you to be quiet.
Because I haven't figured it out.
Does she have a way?
Does she have a signal that she gives you?
Is there a bucket she puts over your head?
It's possible.
A quiet time bucket?
That there are some people that enjoy hearing what I have to say.
That's the funniest thing you've said in a while.
Hey, let's talk.
Well, let me just say one thing.
Yes.
Yeah.
So, you know, I know what I'm doing here, but you go ahead, Frank.
Oh, go ahead.
Go ahead.
First of all, I'm new to hosting.
Did you know it was his birthday before you saw that?
Of course not.
I was walking into the booth and you handed me a thing that said it was Jordan's birthday last week.
By the way, I didn't hear from Jordan on my birthday.
Yeah.
So, you know.
Yeah.
Well, I could you could you have sent me a message or something?
Well, I assume you got a lot of attention on that day and I'll save it till I see you and I can wish you a happy birthday.
Well, I'm still waiting.
Happy birthday.
Thank you.
That was worth the wait.
But I am aware of your birthday.
I'm aware of your, you know, 1960, April 18th, 1963.
Oh, great.
I'm aware that you're an Aries.
Adios.
If you prefer the correct pronunciation.
Would you say, no, people just say Aries.
Yes, they do.
But nevertheless, I'm aware of your birthday.
What astrological sign was Einstein?
Yes.
What I'm saying is on your birthday, I take a minute.
He was a Taurus.
Yes.
That's Taurus.
You know, Taurus in Spanish or Italian, the bull Taurus.
But my point is on your birthday, I did silently acknowledge to myself that it was your birthday.
Nice.
That's what real good friends do.
Yeah, and I said today is Conan's birthday.
Yeah.
I could bring up something from the last episode.
You talked about Conan ruining The Phantom Menace for you.
Oh, yes, yes.
The premiere of The Phantom Menace back in 1999.
You told a harrowing tale of how much you were looking forward to it.
And you're sitting there and you're ready.
And this is a big deal because it's the first Star Wars movie that's come out.
In a long time.
One moment in particular that I had anticipated.
One moment in time.
Which was?
Which was that silence between the 20th century Fox fanfare and the opening music by John Williams.
All I wanted was that moment.
All you wanted was that moment?
Out of two hours, I wanted that one moment.
Now, what are the chances?
Now can I just say in the story you told, I enter right behind you and two seats have been saved for me because of my status.
Yes.
And I could tell by the person you were with, you were there in an ironic fashion.
You were there to kind of look at the fans and see how they react to the stimulus.
I knew what was happening.
It was an accident that I was placed right behind Jordan.
It was an accident.
And then, of course, you know, I have to lean forward.
I see that Jordan's there.
You have to lean forward.
It's like some calling that you have.
And I, you know, I'm doing, giving you a little free shtick.
Shtick that other people would pay top moolah for.
You're getting for free.
And you were enraged and said it ruined the experience.
There's been a lot of fan response.
Somebody did make the point of, in hindsight, Conan was probably the best part of that screening.
Not for me.
What's your favorite part of that movie?
The part where you weren't cracking jokes in my ear.
Okay.
Well, anyway.
I, if you're a fan out there and you ever want to watch that movie and you'd like me behind you, I'll do it for free.
What I'm saying is I appreciate the place of humor in the world and certainly your humor.
No question.
But there are times where I want to be emotionally moved.
Do you like is your brain?
Your brain fascinates me.
You're clearly an extraordinary man.
OK, you know, there are times where you want to look at a piece of art and be brought to tears.
Do you want to cry at mood?
Are you always cracking jokes in your head with this ironic stance?
If you feel emotion welling in you, do you have to pivot into cynicism and deconstructing in a comedic fashion?
I don't think I'm a cynical person at all.
Do you tear up at movies?
No.
When you watch Interstellar, the end of Interstellar, for example.
No, what are you talking about?
I don't tear up at movies.
No, I don't have time for that.
I'm not going to go and look at a painting and go, boo-hoo.
That's not going to happen to me.
No.
It's fascinating.
I know our brains are wired differently.
I just am always curious as to the extent of it.
So you don't put on movies.
You don't.
When I go to a museum, when I go to a great museum, and I'm walking, I'm thinking what's funny about this?
I'm not laughing.
Where's the where's the gags?
Right.
You know what I mean?
I remember looking.
I stared at Guernica for like half an hour.
I'm like, I don't get it.
Nobody's laughing.
Right.
And I've had that experience many times.
I looked at Michelangelo's David.
You probably have a very specific pronunciation from Michelangelo's David, don't you?
Davide.
Yeah.
I looked at Davide and I was like, I don't get it.
It's a guy with his cock hanging out in the wind.
What's the big deal?
Where's the Lafferoo's?
That's me.
What I'm saying is when you're alone and there's no audience, do you like?
It's like late at night and you're watching like a movie, like the end scene of Gladiator.
Do you, are you like cracking jokes in your head?
Yeah, look at him.
He's dying and it looks like they put him on a skateboard.
Okay.
And they're dragging him around.
I know the shot you're talking about.
Oh yeah.
Ha ha, he's got wheels on his back.
Ha ha, Russell Crowe, he's a skateboard.
Hey, they should put UPS boxes on him and use him to move packages around.
That's how they could use the gladiator.
Hey, he's dying, but hey, we can still move these boxes.
Hee hee hee, that's a funny bit.
I better call my writers and get them working on it.
The gladiator greatest way to move packages.
See, that's your curse.
You bring so much curse, curse, blessing.
I say you bring so much joy.
You bring so much joy and you have such an extraordinary mind.
But your curse is, you can't shut it off and you're tortured 24 seven by cracking jokes, by feeling the need to crack jokes to every emotional event that happens.
I mean, who wants to shut off Willy Wonka's chocolate fountain?
Nobody.
Don't you want to get lost in a beautiful moment?
Oh, boo-hoo.
No, I don't want to get lost.
I want a GPS at all times.
You're saying, oh, isn't it the great tragedy of my life is that these gems sometimes have to stop.
No, no one else is thinking that.
Everyone else is saying, give me more of them gems.
Yeah.
You don't appreciate the gems?
I'm saying there's a time and a place for everything.
There are times that I want jams.
A time to sow.
A time to reap.
A time for you to go to sleep.
A time to refrain from embraces.
Yeah.
What do you got there, Frankie?
You want a birthday gift?
Oh, yeah.
Look at that.
Jesus, you did that very well, Frank.
Thank you.
Frank was a magician's assistant for eight seconds before he was fired.
You know, one... That's nice.
You're wearing a nice hat.
That's right.
One may think, after so many decades, that your extraordinary mind doesn't necessarily impress me on a daily basis.
Even I have thought these things sometimes.
But then every once in a while there's something like the Hot Ones appearance, and I'm newly amazed all over again.
I mean, that was just It was a fantastic masterclass.
Oh, please.
I mean, there's so much to say about it.
I appreciated the show.
I appreciated the host.
I appreciated a quality of the host that reminded me of you back on the old late night show, in that in the late night show you created a venue to showcase comedy and let that comedy shine, even if in that particular moment it wasn't you personally shining.
Of course.
They have a great format, very clever in that it disarms the guest and presents more accurate depiction of the true guest.
But they also, as much as their format, they're not rigid about their format.
And they allowed you they knew you came in with material.
Your great strength was you were always there as much or as little as your guest needed you to.
So if you had someone like Martin Short and Tom Hanks that came with material, you knew when to shut up and kind of let them do their thing.
And if you're with someone that needed some assistance, you were there to give some support.
And I think it's kind of the same thing.
He knew that you came with material and he was happy to kind of let you run with it.
It's a great sleep machine, by the way.
The host was great.
The host was obviously well researched and discussed.
First of all, this is a compliment.
Yes.
Now, when he drones on, but it's a compliment, I let him go.
Yeah.
Well, we have free time on this show.
This is free time.
This is part of... I have the floor.
I have the floor.
Whoa.
This is what I choose to talk about.
You know what I love?
You're demanding respect while wearing a pointy hat.
Yeah, but you... I love that you were demanding.
I have the floor.
I have the floor.
Yes.
And you're dressed like a jester, a chimp, a chump.
Yeah.
You know?
You know what I mean?
I love it.
I love it.
I will be taken seriously.
Yeah.
Time to get in your clown car there, Binky.
This show is a slow burn, okay?
We're not looking for like hit, hit, hit, hit.
I'm always looking for hit, hit, hit.
People are just driving.
They enjoy just like human conversation.
You see, here we are.
Here we are, two men.
And we're just talking.
You keep saying we're men and you keep saying we're human.
We're two men.
We are relatable to humanity because they look at us.
They look at us and maybe we represent parts of their own psychology.
And here we are interacting.
What I'm saying is there are parts of us that are relatable to the listeners.
And you may think there's an expectation that we have to keep things moving at a certain comedic pacing.
And I and I enjoy just talking to you.
OK.
Yeah.
Well, I wish I could say the same.
I think I think the Jose's lines are completely ad libbed.
I completely by Jose Arroyo, brilliant writer, who I brought in as Dr Arroyo because I always like him to play my doctor in any kind of sketch.
And that's Jose Arroyo.
And that was just all improv.
But lines like it was supposed to be.
Yes.
100% improv.
Great.
Yeah.
It's the real deal.
Great.
Should we move on to the next segment?
We're going to be right back with a new segment called Jordan Schlansky Consumer Watchdog.
All right, you are listening to the Conan and Jordan Show.
And very few people I know spend more time assessing the products they use than Jordan Schlansky.
Jordan, I credit you.
Everything on your body, everything in your life, you put a lot of thought into it.
So it's only natural that you would be a consumer watchdog.
So let's do a segment right now.
Jordan Schlansky, consumer watchdog.
And you have... uncovered something today that you're going to talk about.
Would you like to?
To echo what you said, I'm very particular about the products I use.
I believe that one's life in part is defined by the products that surround us.
We spend hours with these things, maybe even years.
And aesthetically speaking, I like to have objects of beauty and utility around me.
Now, I choose my products very carefully.
And that is certainly true in the case of toilet paper.
Now, I've got some products here. that I want to talk about.
Wow.
That's a lot of toilet paper there.
Well, I do buy toilet paper in bulk because, well, first of all, the need never goes away.
Because you're a mad shitter.
You're a 24-7.
Yeah, you don't have to stack it all up.
Maybe that's a mistake.
There you go.
All right, let's move that out of the way.
So listen, I choose my toilet paper very carefully and I like this to be a once-in-a-lifetime endeavor, okay.
I don't need to re-choose my toilet paper every decade.
Once you decide which toilet paper is yours— Why would I change? the conversations unless there's some new technology that needs to be introduced the world so many years ago i sampled different toilet papers there were the aesthetics there was the design on the paper itself was it a quilt uh of course where did you sample them were you in the aisle of the store with your pants down what were you i'm just curious what were you doing how did you over time i purchased oh i see items and you would and you would pay attention you didn't i would pay attention you didn't line up a bunch of toilet papers eat 15 burritos and then check all of them no i did not no okay that's that's how i would have done it but anyway I decided on a on Charmin at the time.
It was called, I believe, Charmin plus or Charmin plus lotion or Charmin plus aloe.
And they've gone through many iterations of the name over the years.
And it was basically they marketed it as having lotion in it.
The lotion was mainly mineral oil.
Sure, they put some aloe in there just to say that they did.
But the bulk of it was mineral oil, which is not an expensive addition.
Nevertheless, when you're talking about friction.
A situation which is inherently comprised of friction and abrasion.
What do you mean a situation?
What I'm saying is the use of toilet paper.
Any any physicist would know that the use of toilet paper involves friction to objects rubbing together.
You're talking about abrasion.
You're talking about erosion for all the environmentalists out there.
There is a human bodily erosion when using any toilet paper product.
Okay.
Any toilet paper.
Erosion.
You're going to get erosion.
You're wearing away pieces of your ass.
What are you doing?
Yes, you absolutely.
If that's where you're using it.
What I'm saying is.
What do you mean?
Where are you using it?
I use toilet paper on many areas of my body.
What are you talking about?
My nose, my ears.
I use it to wipe up.
You use Kleenex for your nose.
No, I use toilet paper for my nose.
Sure, in a situation where I'm sick and there's an excess of mucus, I'll invest in a box of Kleenex.
But why have a product that's good for one use when I can have a multi-use product like toilet paper?
I use toilet paper for cleaning up the bathroom sink of the errant spills so as not to mineralize the countertop.
I use it to clean up the toilet rim should there be any urine.
I use it to...
I use it.
Did you say urine?
I use it on different body parts.
It's a really a jack of all trades.
Do you lactate?
What I'm saying is anytime there's a discharge to me, toilet paper is going to be my first choice.
Toilet paper is a big part of my life.
See, some people take Q-tips for their ears, which, by the way, is unsafe.
And now you have a second dedicated product that's only for your ears.
What about toilet paper?
What's the problem with using toilet paper to clean out your ears and your nose?
Anyway, listen, I don't mean to go on too much about the secondary uses.
Nevertheless, don't give me that deep breath.
I understand that you're in a rush, but I have a lot to say about toilet paper.
No, no, no.
Guess what?
Can I just say one thing?
I'm not in a rush, but this is my life.
Okay.
And this is a piece of my life.
Okay.
And you're wasting it.
Okay.
Because you're talking... Get to the point, which is... This is the point.
This is the point.
I decided on Charmin toilet paper.
They had a few varieties at the time because they liked to overcomplicate their product line.
I went with the version with lotion, which turned out to be mineral oil.
Okay.
It's had a number of different... Now, the Charmin people, the Procter & Gamble...
People, they're listening to this right now.
And those 30 something marketing people are saying, is this true?
It was it used to be called Halloween, because they only know it as Charmin Ultra Gentle, the common name.
And there's there's one guy that probably knows that it was.
Can I assure you not only is no one at Charmin listening right now, I think anyone who really loves the Conan channel has turned off at this point.
I buy my toilet paper in bulk because it never expires.
I don't enjoy buying toilet paper.
I don't want to buy toilet paper more often.
I want to buy it less often.
Do you get looks when you walk out, when you come into the cash register and you have 35 boxes of toilet paper?
I do.
Do they think you have an issue?
Yes.
Yes, I do get unusual looks.
I'm used to unusual looks for a variety of reasons that never that never deters me.
So I buy mine by the case.
So I've got some cases here.
I've got a back stock that I bought over the past few years.
OK, now this is.
Is it like someone who loves wine has a whole cellar filled with different wine?
Yeah.
You go downstairs and when it's your time, you you run your hand along.
Yeah, these racks and racks and racks of toilet paper, feeling for the one that will just suit this one particular purpose.
This was one that was made in Napa Valley.
It's got aloe, but it's aloe that really comes from the soil, the good rich loam.
84.
Yeah, this is a great 84 aloe.
Charming.
Do you ever do that?
I pick the most damaged box because I like the boxes to look aesthetically beautiful.
When I have an entire room full of toilet paper boxes, I like them to look beautiful.
A lot of times you get shipping damage anyway.
So the point is, I buy them in these cases of 18 rolls.
These are mega rolls.
Now, again, in a ridiculous overcomplication, Procter & Gamble has decided to offer different sizes of their rolls.
They have the regular roll.
They have the giant roll.
Then they have the mega roll.
The mega is the biggest.
I've done the research.
Can a mega roll fit on a standard toilet?
It can.
It can.
So I buy 18 rolls.
I mean, if you're, if the toilet in your house is in a very small space, can you get in there with the mega roll, or does a mega roll pretty much take up the whole bathroom?
No, the mega roll.
You would not.
A person of your coarse visual perception would not even recognize the difference between a giant roll and a mega roll.
But I do.
Okay.
I look deep beneath the surface.
Anyway, just listen to me.
Okay.
This case, this case.
Why wouldn't I?
Yeah.
This case of 18 Charmin Ultra Gentle mega rolls cost $19.99.
I bought this for many years.
Okay.
Slight variations of the price up and down, but that's basically it.
So uh recently uh, I bought my uh Charmin order and I bought my 18 mega rolls for uh 1999 and this came.
Okay.
And, uh, I could already see the packaging is different and this is telling me, yeah.
So this is telling me that something is, something is off.
Okay.
So something changed.
Something changed instead of a case.
Now I have this package.
And immediately I'm suspicious.
And listen, I don't want to look for a new brand of toilet paper.
I don't like change when it comes to my toilet paper.
OK, a lot of things in life should change.
But like things like matches, toilet paper, they don't need to change.
So.
The old Charmin Ultra Gentle, while the sheet size is the same, had 286 two-ply sheets per roll.
Okay.
The new Charmin has 231 two-ply sheets per roll.
Okay.
So the overall square footage of an 18-pack used to be about 51 meters squared which, Whereas this is only about 41 meters squared, which is a 20 decrease.
So I get it.
Okay.
Costs are rising in the toilet paper industry and they've got to recoup.
Okay.
Now I don't believe they're being greedy.
I don't think they're trying to impress their shareholders.
I understand that the toilet paper cost of improves.
Now they could raise the price 20% and then you'd have $24 and I'd get my same product.
And you know what?
I'd happily pay that $24.
Because I understand inflation exists.
But instead, they say, let's charge the same.
Let's make the rolls 20% smaller.
Now, you can compare the old roll and the new roll, and you'll see a drastic difference.
You okay?
What's wrong with you?
Why is your face?
Listen to me.
You know what this means to me?
You know what this means to me?
That's just my face.
Now, listen to me.
This clearly means I'm going- This is the new one, and this is the old one.
Yes, I will say, first of all, I don't know why you started to laugh maniacally like a Bond villain.
Yes, yes.
Um, when you're talking about this, uh, well, a stupid thing, but, uh, yeah.
Okay.
The old role for the same amount of money you're getting, you're getting 20% less.
Okay, fine.
That's, that's no bombshell.
But the point is, why do I have to change my toilet paper roll 20% more often?
Why I'm always going to need new toilet paper.
Okay.
It's not like I'm just going to buy one roll and be like, okay, that's it.
I'm done when this rolls over.
For the rest of my life, I'm gonna be making sure that there is toilet paper on that toilet paper holder, okay.
And why do I have to now?
Because they have this marketing plan that are gonna trick people into thinking that they're getting the same value.
Now, I have to change my toilet paper roll more frequently.
I have to buy more cases of toilet paper over the course of my lifetime.
I have to maintain those cases and store those cases.
Like, I just don't understand.
Just be upfront and be like, hey, we're charging $24.
And by the way, the packaging has changed too.
I used to, if I have guests...
I like to put a six pack of Charmin unopened, sealed into that restroom.
Wait, what are you?
Wait, what?
Listen to me.
Wait, why do your guests need to see a month's supply of toilet paper?
Why do they need to see that?
I'll tell you why.
Okay, if you go into a guest room, you want to know you have enough toilet paper for your stay there.
You don't want to worry that you're going to have to ask for more toilet paper.
Yeah, but you're saying six rolls.
No one likes asking for more toilet paper.
You're saying six rolls.
Because that's implying that you use above the average amount of toilet paper, okay?
Six rolls is enough to comfort people.
It's not excessive.
It's like no matter what happens to me in this week, I'm going to have enough toilet paper.
Six of these?
Six of these?
You wouldn't need six.
You don't have to use all six.
You don't have to use all six.
You just know they're there.
Okay?
It's comforting.
Do you do the same thing with food when they come down to the refrigerator?
Do you have nine turkeys waiting for them to eat just so they have the comfort?
I don't like to provide an atmosphere of scarcity.
You have 17 boxes of cereal?
Abundance.
Abundance.
I like to show them that there is an abundance of toilet paper.
Whatever happens to you while you're here, you are covered.
Anyway, just let me get this out.
No, no, no.
I'll let you speak a lot and I'm going to take over for a second because you're completely untethered.
You are completely untethered.
You're a balloon free of its string, bopping around in the wind.
I want my guests to know it's Charmin, because I want them to know it's a high-quality, premium product and I'm not just buying in bulk at Costco.
Are you getting paid by Charmin?
No.
Are you getting any money from Charmin?
Clearly not.
I just criticize them.
But at the same time, I do appreciate the quality of the paper.
That has not changed.
Nevertheless, their new packaging inside the outer package with the bear is just a generic plastic case.
My guests think that I'm buying from like Costco or something like that.
They don't know it's Charmin.
OK, can I say one thing?
First of all, I think when you put out that much toilet paper for your guests, it's an insult.
It's you saying, I don't trust.
I think you're a big pig.
I think you're a big pig that eats and shits 24 seven.
You're a monster.
That's what I think you're saying to them.
You're just a giant.
I'm saying if you are, if you are that person, I got you covered.
If you're a normal person, you're covered too.
Okay, so next time I come to your house, You're going to have plenty of toilet paper and you may not use it.
And that's fine.
I don't expect you to use it.
But if you need to use it, it's there.
You will never have to ask me for more toilet paper.
Do you imagine the humiliation?
Excuse me.
Thank you for letting me sing.
Do you have any more toilet paper?
I gave you plenty of toilet paper.
I need more toilet paper.
So you're saying I think if someone came to you, if you put six of these massive jumbo Charmin rolls in the guest room.
And they came out after a three day stay and say excuse me, could I use with their pants around their ankles?
Could I have more?
That would be that would be unexpected.
I don't want to give them cases.
I'm not going to put cases in there.
That's ridiculous.
But I'd like to put a six pack.
I have a question for you.
When you travel, you and I have traveled together.
We've shot some some pieces together.
We've traveled the world.
Right.
What is your security level, your feelings about going to distant lands and needing to use a facility, another facility where you don't have control over the toilet paper?
I have adaptive techniques, as Darwin has showed us.
The key to survival is not strength, but adaptability.
I adapt to any situation.
You're going to take Charles Darwin's Origin of the Species, one of the greatest, most seminal works in the history of mankind, and you're going to apply it to your travel needs for toilet paper.
I believe in orienting the puborectalis muscle in a certain position to allow a greater elimination at home.
And I have devices that yield this result at home.
I bet you have devices.
I bet if a SWAT team broke into your home right now, they would find all kinds of devices hidden in the crawl space.
You freak, you freak, you freak.
What erectus bone?
When I travel, I don't have access to my devices, so I improvise.
I use a garbage can in the hotel.
No, you don't.
No, you don't.
No, you don't.
What do you do?
What do you do?
I don't use the garbage can in the way you're thinking.
I use a garbage pail to orient my body in a certain position.
Do you understand?
No, I don't know what you're talking about.
I honestly don't know what you're talking about.
I adapt to the situation.
This is why I survive.
It's not my strength.
It's my adaptability.
If I don't have a toilet stool to properly orient my puborectalis muscle... Oh, I know.
So hold on a second.
I'm going to draw something right now.
You're talking about the squatty potty.
That's one example of a toilet stool.
Okay, but listen, I'm going to draw... Hold on.
I'm going to draw... Okay, go ahead.
This is a toilet, okay?
This is you sitting on the toilet, and you were...
Well, first of all, there shouldn't.
Even if you're a human animal, a Neanderthal and you wanted to- It's Neanderthal.
No, it's Neanderthal.
No one's ever said Neanderthal.
I just said it.
The point is you're supposed to be squatting on the ground, fully squatted, in a fully squatting position, to open up that puborectalis.
Is this what you're talking about right here?
Yes.
Yeah, so that simulates a squatting position, even though you're on a modern toilet bowl.
Now, also, you haven't even mentioned how tall that toilet bowl is.
You know, there's a variable height.
I like to go with the Kohler Wellworth, 15 inches off the ground, no more.
Then they have a higher one.
They call it comfort height.
It's not comfortable.
I think that goes without saying.
In a perfect world, you'd be squatting is what you're saying.
In a perfect world, you'd be squatting.
In the modern world, you can use devices to simulate squatting, okay?
Now in my house I have these devices and they're high-quality devices because I'm going to be using these for decades.
As I just described, I like to stick with a product for years.
So you're talking about these things that you put your feet up on or may have a high-quality material.
Yeah, bamboo.
I like bamboo.
Most of them are plastic.
I have a high-quality bamboo.
Bamboo and plastic.
Wow, you're a really fancy guy.
That's what they used on Gilligan's Island.
You know bamboo is a grass.
What are you talking about?
Bamboo is waterproof.
It is strong.
It is replenishable.
OK, I'm not hurting the environment with my toilet stool.
No, I think you're you're hurting the environment with your constant shitting.
So that's that's what you're hurting the environment with.
You're I mean, for God's sake, man.
This is insanity.
So when I travel, I don't have access to my bamboo toilet stool.
Sure, I could find a way to bring it with me, but that's ridiculous.
You just store it in the overhead compartment.
But I improvise.
When I get to a hotel room, immediately I assess the hotel room for any number of factors.
And I look at the garbage pail.
And if the garbage pail is the right height and shape, I can adapt that to my use.
Now that grosses me out because if I stay in a hotel and I look at the garbage can now.
What are you doing with the hotel? garbage pail that's so intimate in any scenario.
I'm going to think that you had it upside down in the bathroom while you were pooping.
That's right.
I have no problem with someone using a garbage pail upside down.
Do you know what substances are in hotel garbage pails that you need to be more concerned about than my feet?
So I improvise.
Okay, so toilet paper.
If the toilet paper... First of all, I don't use toilet paper the way you think I do, okay?
I don't want to know.
I don't want to know.
I honestly don't want to know.
I don't want to know.
There's an inherent flaw with the whole toilet paper system.
Okay, I've discussed this before, and I think it's really self-evident.
I don't think it needs more explication.
But just...
Suffice it to say, you're going to want a soap and water scenario in most cases.
And toilet paper, even the best, is not going to cover you.
So I use toilet paper in very limited ways.
Nevertheless, I improvise in hotel rooms with soap and water scenarios.
Why are you shouting?
You shout a lot.
Listen to me.
My enthusiasm, don't mistake my enthusiasm for anger, okay?
I'm passionate and I don't see the problem with that.
One day you call me stoic, the other day you call me overly passionate.
It's not coming across as passion.
It's coming across as... Crazy?
Well, I'm just going to say like a rant and also a defiant rant.
A man who sees the world turning against him and using toilet paper improperly.
And you are howling at the wind like King Lear, blind on the moors, unchained from all reality.
So yes, I think something in you is untethered.
And I'm glad that you've put this much thought into your toilet needs.
But have you ever thought of and we've talked about this before but shouldn't you just be using a bidet?
Well, like I was saying, I do have a system, an equivalent system.
It's not a bidet per se, but I have a soap and water solution.
So you just use whatever toilet paper, like who even buys your toilet paper?
Do you have a system?
I just, NBC used to give it to me for free and I still have my NBC supply.
There's a Tom Brokaw on every sheet.
Listen, I- You just take what you're given?
Yeah, pretty much in life.
Yeah, with your toilet paper.
I mean obviously some things you care about.
You're going to pick your car, you're going to pick your watch, but toilet paper, you just take what's there and you don't even notice these.
I have not put this much thought into it, no.
You understand there is abrasion, erosion.
Stop saying erosion.
There's no erosion.
There is certainly erosion.
There's no erosion.
Of course there's erosion.
Anytime you have two substances rubbing together, there's going to be some erosion and you're losing skin on a cellular level and that's the micro level and potentially on a macro level.
OK, I'm going to put an end to this now.
OK, this is beyond the pale.
And what you've done, I think, is an audio crime today.
You've committed an audio crime.
We've had to sit and listen to this for a while.
I suspect that you're getting something from the Sherman people.
I can't prove it, but I think you are.
And I'm glad that you're I'm happy that you're happy.
If you found a toilet paper that you like, then I'm happy.
I wish that it wouldn't shrink in size, necessitating extra trips to the grocery store and extra changes of the role.
Well, that's just the world we live in today.
Many things shrink in size as time goes on.
And we accept it.
I'll pay the $24 for the original product.
Okay.
Well, I think you're making a mountain out of a molehill.
I think that you should just accept this.
And again, I just want to remind viewers, you are a married man.
You have children.
And i think i would.
I'd hate to be the child being potty trained by.
Can you imagine what is it like when you potty train your children?
Were you screaming at them the whole time about?
You got to get your legs up higher?
That's use the trash can.
Use the trash can.
I don't fault people that are passionate in life.
You understand.
Sure i have passions.
Many dictators do.
Many, uh many.
You know Many mad people have insane ambitions.
I just, I would like, and passions.
I wish the best for you, Jordan.
I really do.
Wait a minute.
I'm thinking about it.
No, I don't.
I just want to...
I want to completely rescind that.
But I'm glad you found a product that you like.
And so you're saying this toilet paper is your recommendation.
Charmin, gentle, ultra gentle is what you like.
That's secondary.
Yes, it is my recommendation.
I do have a problem.
And you do add.
I do have a problem.
And you have a method where you use soap and water and any trash can that's available.
That's separate, yes.
This was Jordan Schlansky, Consumer Watchdog.
Yeah, Consumer Watchdog, Jordan Schlansky.
Anyone who listened to all of this.
I don't know what to tell you, but you should spend your time very differently in the future.
Something's wrong with you.
Jordan, I salute you as I always do.
And thank you for your wisdom, your passion.
And I think that's it.
I mean, I don't know what else to say.
We'll be right back.
Will we?
I don't see why we... Anyone who's waiting for more of this, God help you.
Maybe check out what else is on the dial.
What do you think we learned today, Jordan?
I think we were two men having a human conversation.
I think we don't need to learn anything per se.
I think we enrich the lives of people in our relatability.
Okay.
Why don't you ask any questions you might want to ask me about the episode?
Maybe how I feel or from my perspective, or you just like to sort of be the yammerer in chief.
Yeah, I can only hope that you enjoy this type of real conversation as much as I do.
I don't think of this as real conversation.
I don't think of you as a real person.
This is exactly how we would discuss without microphones in front of us.
I know.
I know.
What I'm saying is whether there are microphones here or not.
When I'm talking to you, it never feels like a real conversation, because
I don't know who you are, even after all these years at your core.
I don't know who you are.
Well, maybe you have enough real conversations in your life and maybe you could benefit from an occasional surreal conversation.
Oh, are you a surrealist?
Is that what you're saying?
If you consider our relationship surreal, I don't necessarily think that's a negative.
I think that, whether we're different or congruous with the rest of your human interactions, I think that there is value there.
Whether you're congruous with the rest of your human interactions, these just.
You're not going to hear this anywhere else on SXM.
Nowhere else on Sirius Radio are you going to hear any of this.
Right.
You might hear it on his new show.
The Jordan... Oh, the Jordan... The Jordan Schlansky Music Hour.
Yes, I play different pressings.
Some will be vinyl rips.
Some will be... I spent $300 for Men Without Hats Rhythm of Use because I wanted a safety dance.
The people that did...
The safety dance.
You can find it on countless compilations, but their original CD Pressing of Rhythm of Youth is incredibly rare.
I spent a lot of money for it.
By the way, when I rip a CD, Does your wife know that you're spending a lot of money on this absolute bullshit?
When I rip a CD, I don't just use iTunes and stick it in.
I have a very specific procedure.
This is bit perfect.
Who came up with this theory of relativity?
Einstein.
You're talking about the special theory of relativity from 1905 or the general theory from 1915?
I'm not going to indulge this.
When someone has an illness, you don't indulge it.
And I don't want to keep indulging this because I think this is a form of illness.
Sure.
So does your wife know?
Answer the question does she ever look at the bills and say someone just spent 7000 on a clock radio that looks like Darth Vader's head?
Does she see that?
I have hobbies.
I have hobbies.
Right.
But does she you?
You're a couple, your husband and wife.
You have children and they need to be educated at some point.
Does she ever say you know who spent four thousand dollars on the lightsaber that's made out of salami.
That was part of Etsy, an Etsy auction.
Does she ever call into question your expenditures?
I think people have their passions and it's it's healthy if they get a chance to exploit those passions.
Does she feel the same way?
I think that... Ah, yes!
We got the nerve here.
Listen, maybe she'll be on the... We ought to talk to her at some point.
Oh, that would be fantastic.
Would that ever... Would you allow us to... Look, you have your guitar collections.
You have your various matters that you're passionate about.
I collect rare foreign CD pressings.
Don't make fun of my various matters.
Yeah, what I'm saying is... That's getting way too personal.
Yeah, I'm just saying we all have our passions matters, and I do think it's healthy to explore those things.
Could we have your wife on the show one day?
Listen, I am a very private man.
Like I say, I like to observe other people.
I'm not particularly comfortable with being observed.
Some might say this whole format is contrary to my core values.
But here you sit, because you might make a little bit of scratch.
And then you know, you can buy Harrison Ford's.
You know incisor, that he lost in 1972 in a bar fight.
All I know is that I do enjoy you, Jordan, in a very perverse way.
I enjoy you and you do fascinate me and I enjoy our time together.
And I'm glad that it's being recorded for the police on the Conan and Jordan show right here on Sirius XM.
You can leave.
Not the original CD pressing.
This isn't it?
No.
Can you hear the difference?
I would play you mine.
Wait till you hear mine.
Jordan Schlansky Radio Show coming soon.
Sirius Channel.
Yeah, don't wait for it.
It's not coming.
We have someone from Sirius right here, right now, and he just keeps shaking his head.
Physically imposing, gentle giant.
Yes, yes.
And he's making it clear.
Michael Crawford, Phantom of the Opera.
The Conan and Jordan Show with Conan O'Brien and Jordan Schlansky is produced by me, Frank Smiley.
Executive produced by Adam Sachs, Jeff Ross, and Jim McClure.
Engineering and mixing by Eduardo Perez.
Our supervising producer is Andrew Gruss.
Talent booking by Paula Davis, Gina Batista, and Britt Kahn.
The theme song is Tom Sawyer by Rush.
You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts and you might find your review read on a future episode.
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Thank you.
