Hi, my name is Chris Fleming.
And I feel in the constant threat of physical danger being Conan O'Brien's friend.
And you should.
And you should, Chris Fleming.
Fall is here.
Hear the yell Back to school, ring the bell, Brand new shoes, walkin' loose, Climb the fence, books and pens.
I can tell that we are gonna be friends.
Yes, I can tell that we are gonna be friends.
Hey there, welcome to Conan O'Brien.
Needs a Friend joined by my squad Sona Movsesian, Matt Gurley.
How you guys doing?
Hi.
I'm good.
We're good.
As you know, I am confounded by the world around me.
Yeah.
So much has changed so rapidly and I, like a lot of people, find myself sometimes going down an Instagram hole.
Really?
Yeah.
And I think a lot of people do that.
But I found sometimes that, oh my God, I just lost 20 minutes of my life.
And I have very specific interests.
I mean, I'm a Beatles fanatic, but I also love guitar.
I love these, there are these different things. vintage Batman clips from the 60s.
So Instagram is starting to know me and they're firing these different ads at me.
And a lot of them are for.
Oh, here's a cool little mini guitar neck that you can take on an airplane flight so you can practice chord shapes and it connects to your phone.
And the magic is, all these ads that I get sucked into are very tempting because everything's about like 48 or you know.
It's all an amount where you think oh, that's harmless.
It's a water pick that can go in your back pocket, that you know cleans your teeth, and it takes an AA.
Everything takes like a AA battery.
So I don't know.
They're starting to figure out who I am.
Instagram, I say they, but Instagram, the algorithm is figuring out who I am.
And so this is very disturbing.
Lately I started getting bombarded with these ads for something that converts any bottle in your car into something that you can urinate into.
And it... And...
So if you're driving and you're stuck in LA traffic as one can be, you can snap this thing onto the mouth of an empty bottle and it fits snugly over your equipment.
And yeah, there's also a vibrate mode.
Hello.
Hello.
No, no.
It's just for urinating into a bottle.
And I don't have that problem or anything.
But I keep getting this ad and I'm thinking what about me?
Screams I need to urinate into a bottle in my car.
It would have to be what you're watching on Instagram.
I know, but I mean.
You're watching piss contest.
I'm not.
I swear to God, I'm not.
I don't know why this is coming after me.
And everything else that I get a lot of it's guitar stuff and a lot of it's.
They know I like kind of gadgety things.
Your phone also listens to you.
Yeah.
Or maybe who's the guy in The Aviator again that Leonardo DiCaprio played?
Howard Hughes.
Howard Hughes.
Remember, he saved his urine.
Yeah.
He just saved his... Maybe you come off as the urine-saving guy.
That's possible.
No, and I'm open to... I'm not defensive on this topic at all.
I didn't know if it was an ageist thing, because I'm not the youngest one in the room right now.
And I didn't know if it's that.
But I don't recall.
I'm not the kind of person Eduardo, that's a fair point that your phone is listening to you, but I don't think I've ever said God, I love.
Bottle urinating, you know, and I don't I'm not someone who perpetually complains about I've got to urinate a lot because I don't think I do.
So what is it about me?
What triggered this?
Maybe it's the music.
You always look at my favorite band is PP Party.
Yeah.
It's true.
Maybe because you're into like guitars, maybe they think you're a musician who's on the road a lot.
And then a lot of people who are on the road a lot pee in bottles.
I mean, Tack used to tell me a lot of his bandmates used to pee in bottles.
Oh, God, they're going to be so mad I said that.
The worst part is that we're all going to get this algorithm now.
We're all going to get bottle pissing.
My phone right now, I just heard my phone.
Bottle peeing.
Peeing bottles.
My phone is sitting on my desk and I just heard it go.
Hmm.
Hmm, got it.
And I was like, what was that, phone?
Nothing, proceed.
Proceed, pee-pee man.
But, hey phone, I don't want you listening to me.
No problem, better make up with your wife.
For what?
This morning you seemed kind of testy.
Hey, phone.
See you in the steel dossier.
Yeah.
Yeah, I love my phone just listening and making little kind of like Iago in Othello comments.
Like, oh, well.
Oh, that's a juicy one.
What's that phone?
Nothing.
Why don't you get back to your podcasting, Mr. Wee Wee?
Jesus, iPhone.
Take it easy.
Maybe I'm not an iPhone.
We don't want to alienate other carriers and manufacturers.
You're right.
You're right.
Thank you, nondescript phone.
I love that even your phone cares about our sponsors.
I know.
So stupid.
Tanisha's going to be furious.
Denise is working with another phone company right now.
Okay, okay, phone, just take it easy.
By the way, you should get that cough looked after.
What?
Oh, my God, so stupid.
All right, you screwballs, settle down.
It's the 1940s, see?
Hey, my guest today is a hilarious comedian who's currently on tour, and tickets are available at chrisflemingflemingcom.
What can I say?
I love this gentleman.
Thrilled he's here today.
Chris Fleming, welcome.
I have some things to say about this man.
And vice versa.
First of all, hey, this is my podcast, which means I speak and you say nothing.
Yeah.
Let's start the interview.
Every time, I've been a fan of this guy a long time, and there's something about you.
You are catnip to me.
Whenever I see this guy, I immediately walk up, grab you by the arm.
You don't walk up.
What do I do?
Well, his prey drive kicks in.
Yeah.
He attacks.
If I don't see him first, I get warned that Flanny from Largo at a party he said Chris, I think Conan spotted you.
You better get out of here.
You better get out of here and make it quick.
And he may look like my paternal grandma, but he's strong.
Especially when he's got a little white wine in him.
It fortifies him.
And outside, when he's got no stage makeup on, he's featureless.
So you can't even see him.
You can't see him coming.
It's like a land formation that looks like a human being.
And all of a sudden he's coming at me.
Now people are going to think this is a bit.
It's not.
It is true that anytime it started, I believe I invited you to my Christmas party.
And as a bit, because everyone is way more famous than me there.
It's like Tom Hanks.
You have like Halliburton executives there.
I'm big with Halliburton people.
And to make me comfortable.
People from the defense, the landmine people are there, the people that manufacture them, not the people that are trying to stop them.
One of the Castros was there, I think.
Well, we used to have both Castros until Fidel died.
To make me feel comfortable.
And it's also like a bunch of realtors, I think, there.
To make me feel comfortable, Conan will be like, I just invited you to be kind.
I don't actually want you here.
And then he'll grab me by the waist and drag me down his long hallway and throw me out the door.
I always physically, because I have a thing with you where I think you're one of my brothers.
The brother I should have had.
Yeah.
That's your right, Neil, instead of Neil.
I should have.
I should have.
I feel like I have that relationship with you and I.
I have no right to think that, but I have no problem laying hands on you, dragging you out of my house and throwing you out of the house.
And then you of course scuttle back in.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And you do it also, not just, so in the house, everyone's like, ha ha.
See, Conan's doing his bit.
Right.
But he does it in public.
So he did it in Texas.
Yes.
We were at, we were in Austin.
Yeah.
We were in Austin and there was a Four Seasons Hotel and I'm standing up in front and all of a sudden, this big it was.
What's the big festival they have there?
Southwest.
Southwest.
I was doing something there and then I get back to the hotel and I'm waiting to go to the airport or something and this car pulls up and you're the chauffeur in this story.
No, no.
I was under it like Cape Fear.
And he sees me and he just starts at, the door opens and Chris Fleming steps out and I'm there at a hotel and there's tons of people around the minute.
He I don't even know he's going to be there.
He steps out and I instantly grabbed you to say, oh, no.
They don't even say hi.
I grabbed him and started to drag him down the long driveway of the Four Seasons Hotel in Austin.
While yelling, security, get him out of here.
And security in Austin, they're not improv trained.
They didn't go through the ground range.
So they're kind of coming up.
Because I look like someone...
Who might be an issue to you?
Yeah, of course.
I look like a super fan in Omaha or something.
Yeah.
Who really thinks we're connected?
Hey, take it easy.
I'm sensing more anger than excitement there.
And then, yeah, and then that happens at parties.
And the thing is, at parties, I'm genuinely running from you and you're coming at me.
You really, at Sarah Silverman's, you saw me and you took off and I took off after you.
I had to put my drinks down.
Yes, he had two drinks.
He had to put them down.
And today you walked into the podcast with a tea and whatever that is.
Two drinks again.
I'm almost double fisting.
A guava berry extract.
And you put them both.
I said, put them down, put them down because I'm a kind attacker.
I let him put his drinks down first.
And he started crawling.
You started crawling?
Yeah, because you're so high up.
It's what you're supposed to do when the birds come for you.
Or a nuclear bomb.
When they come from the sky, duck and cover.
And what did you tell me at that party?
As I'm running by like Olivia Wilde being like, excuse me.
I don't remember.
What did I?
You said, I want to make a pillow, a life-size pillow out of you so I can thrash it around in the yard.
What is wrong with you?
Stuffing would be flying out because stuffing flies out of him when you shake him.
Out of my nostrils.
I'm going to say some nice things really quickly.
You'll be uncomfortable, but let's do this.
Let's mute my mic.
Okay.
Chris Fleming.
Number of years ago, my young children, who are very good finders of great comedy, they come to me and they say dad, you have to watch this guy.
And I'm like, leave me alone.
I'm signing 8x10s to myself.
You're doing a lot of online gambling too at this point.
Yeah, I was online gambling.
And that's why I had to sell more 8x10s.
And they say there's this character named Gail Waters.
Waters, you have to see it.
And my wife and I start watching them.
We become addicted.
One of the greatest, most fully realized characters I've seen.
Just looking at these YouTube clips, I'm...
I'm blown away.
Then I find out that you're doing a show at Largo.
And so I go and I see your show and I can't get enough.
I'm addicted to this...
Chris Fleming fool.
And when you come to my shows, he always texts me asking if there's a helipad that he can land on.
Yeah, I'm always saying that.
And he says, I don't want to be conspicuous.
And then he's in the audience rotisserie style.
Yeah.
Are you ever worried he's going to rush the stage and try to tackle you?
Your wife told me that you are kind of like a bull wanting to get on.
I want to charge the stage.
The fact that you're a ham, it does surprise me.
I don't think I have that as much as you do.
When you see a stage, you want to be on it.
I'm enraged.
I can see a fantastic production of you know like, with the biggest, greatest Broadway stars of you know Hamlet.
And I'll be in the audience.
Why aren't I up there?
Do you know any of Hamlet?
No.
But you want to do Hamlet on Broadway.
Yes, I insist.
You could be Ophelia wandering around.
Yes, I could.
Tackling people.
Did Ophelia do that?
Yeah, yeah.
So anyway, I see your show, love that.
And then I start watching all of your.
I know you retired Gale Waters Waters, but you made this ad that had me crying for a car.
Oh, the Crandallere.
The 2022 Crandallere.
The 2022 Crandallere, which is a car and you had terrible animation for it.
And it was a car that wouldn't exist, shouldn't exist.
I made it out of like PVC piping from Home Depot.
I spent like a day in Home Depot building the Crandallere.
And the Crandallere is just this terrible car that, no, it's way too big, right?
It's shaped, it's badly shaped.
It takes up, I think, two and a half lanes and...
You have to lie face down in it like a seal.
And I forget exactly.
And then I find out that you made this pilot that was looking for a home.
Yeah, you did. you sent me the pilot and I watched the pilot.
I said SOS, I said help me.
Help me.
So I watched the pilot and that in so many places had me crying specifically, for no reason, your character, when he decides to run, runs backwards.
For no reason.
And there's a callback to it later on where you see like a giant moon and you see a silhouette of you running backwards.
When he's traumatized.
When he's traumatized, he runs backwards.
He runs backwards.
And he runs across the moonscape.
And I just thought, how is it that he and I don't live on an island together?
And just do this foolishness.
Because I'm doing it.
Off the coast of Oregon.
I'm doing it for my staff.
I'm doing it to my staff, to my family.
And everyone's rolling their eyes and saying, please go away.
And there's this other person out there who's doing this absolute foolishness.
Your twin flame.
And you also tried to save that show and send it to Netflix.
And that guy who then tried to get it sent up got fired immediately.
Oh, really?
Yeah.
Okay.
I like getting people fired.
Um, and so I've a massive fan and what I will say, and then I go on to see your.
You did a standup tour and I went and saw your standup.
And I'm just following this guy around.
I can't say enough good about your work.
And one of the things I want to say, before we get really stupid again, is I cannot think of another comedian that I've seen who comes up, who's so prolific at instantly coming up with amazing references and images.
It's, you're like a savant.
What about Oney Adams?
Better.
Thank you, Conan.
Thank you very much.
You're very sweet.
I can't even say his name now.
I'd vomit.
You're very sweet to me.
No, just the things that you say are little crystalline gems that come shooting out of your mouth.
I'm like, how are you able to do that?
I've always sort of prided myself on being able to come up with things quickly.
Oh, you're way faster.
Oh, my God.
The things you must say in your car when you're cruising on the 134?
Blasting Larry Mantle in Buena Vista Social Club?
There he goes!
There he goes!
I can only imagine the things your dashboard has heard.
Thank you, Conan.
My dashboard is in therapy.
Anyway.
You know what you're like?
You're like the mob.
You're like the Boston Mafia when they break your arm and then they give you the cash to pay for it.
Yeah, that's what I always do.
Once you thrash me around.
Then I say nice things.
And then you say incredibly sweet things.
But now we're back to the thrashing.
You monster.
First of all, I think we have some bond that comes from... You're from Stowe, Massachusetts.
Correct.
I'm from Brookline.
And there's a Massachusetts thing.
I don't know what it is.
Do you have any insight into that?
Yeah.
Our bond is that we're too wiggly for Massachusetts.
And the fact that we...
Yeah.
Yes.
The fact that we acknowledge our hips.
It's all about planting your feet and letting all that chowder settle.
Chowder!
You know what I mean?
And then socks.
All that.
And then you and I are these wiggle worms.
People are always comparing me to those socks at a car sale thing, you know, car lot that are going.
Yeah.
And you are, too.
You are a wiggling worm.
Yeah.
That's why you know, I think Massachusetts, if they could have a time machine, the one thing they would change they would stop Elvis from shaking his hips.
Yeah.
And wear a Boston Red Sox cap.
That's right.
And don't sing so much.
That's right.
Just talk about the Red Sox.
You probably at least know a little bit about the Boston Red Sox, right?
Yeah, yeah.
And you know absolutely nothing.
No, no, no, no.
Like even growing up, like the jocks were like this, like he needs a conservatorship from me.
Those are good jocks that know conservatorship.
Hey, that guy needs a conservatorship.
It should be legally placed.
A codicil in his parents' will.
Who is this guy?
He's an idiot about everything but conservatorships.
Duh, duh.
Wow, he's really stupid.
Conservatorships as set down in Massachusetts state law section.
Do you?
There's that Harvard education coming out.
It wasn't that.
I had this before Harvard.
They made me stupider.
Tell me a little bit about young Chris Fleming.
What is it about your origin story that creates this fellow that's sitting across from me drinking way too many liquids, self-consciously?
Well, I mean, I don't like the praise.
The praise is freaking me out.
Yeah yeah okay, we'll get past that.
Okay, what i mean?
Okay first, growing up with women, that was the big one.
That's how this happens.
You had a lot of women in your life yeah, that i think i was raised uh, you know, almost uh, in matt, within massachusetts, to have that kind of i was raised to be more feminine or whatever.
Yeah, and the masculine was kind of it was.
It was do not, Do not go there.
And so I think that's how we start.
Okay, you start with Surrounded by Women.
Then I get into Michael Flatley.
Okay, is everyone out there listening?
These are rules to be a comedy genius.
A lot of women around you and then lots of Michael Flatley.
So much so that I, okay, I had a poster of Michael Flatley up.
Did you really?
Is this real?
Totally real.
Less a poster, more something I printed out from my computer and then put it up.
More of a mosaic you made over a six-year period.
Do we know Michael Flatley?
Oh, yeah.
Of course, the Lord of the Dance.
Lord of the Dance.
Do we love Michael Flatley?
You know he's from Chicago?
I didn't know.
No.
Yeah, it's like finding out Gandhi's from Seattle.
He's Italian.
Stop.
Yeah, he's Italian.
It's so funny.
No, he's not.
He's not.
He's also Native American.
I thought he was from Ireland.
You would think.
I did some... Anyway, so he comes out on stage.
I see Riverdance live.
He comes out, within seconds, exhibits every cluster B personality disorder that there is.
I mean, the way that he's peacocking around.
I've never seen anything like it.
And I said, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
So you wanted to be a dancer?
Oh, yeah.
Big time.
So, Surrounded by Women...
You see Michael Flatley and you light up.
Light up.
I try to do Irish step dance in my bedroom, tear my meniscus.
I have to go under six months of physical therapy.
For real?
For real.
Did you tell people it was from trying to do an Irish step dance in your bedroom, or did you tell them football injury?
No, it was incredibly.
No, everyone knew my, Everyone knew I wasn't going near the football field.
Is this a lingering injury, or can you dance now?
My right is a little... I can still dance.
The doctor told me I would never dance again.
Which...
In Massachusetts, they love to give you a grim prognosis.
I got diagnosed as red-green colorblind also.
I am in kindergarten.
Really?
Yeah.
You know it's only men that get it?
Yes, I do know that.
He told me that I would never go into space.
I'm in kindergarten.
He's like, you'll never go.
I can never go into space.
What doctor tells you you'll never go into space?
You can't fly planes.
You can't go to the Air Force.
Same thing happened to my dad.
You gotta stay terrestrial.
I'm on land and space.
So it's like, okay, one of three jobs I'm aware of is no longer an option.
I'll go be a cowgirl then.
You should have told him my dream is to be a flying dancer.
A pilot who dances while he flies the plane.
I'm telling you, that's not going to happen.
Flying Dancer is a really sexy name for something.
Like a soft rock album?
Yeah.
Flying Dancer.
By Toto.
So that... I went to... What you're describing, actually, about me... I got him.
Sometimes I just like the little noises.
I did this on my wife's first date with my wife.
We get in the car together and we're in like a cab or something.
And I just said, yeah, we're going to go to 30, you know, whatever, 35th and Broadway.
And I went... and Liza didn't know me that well.
And she was like, huh?
And I went, yeah, you can, this is a good way to go.
And then I was laughing.
No, she just said, she was looking for the door.
Oh my God.
And I thought I should present who I, I should present who I really am up front.
And I was doing, all these muttering bits in the car, which you know all too well, Sona.
Yeah.
And she just did the ears thing.
She just pretended it wasn't happening.
And anyway, so I don't know why I threw one of those in there.
I don't think I've done that much on the podcast, but you're just talking and I'm like... Yeah.
I'm too comfortable.
Go ahead.
Keep chomping.
No, keep making sounds.
Oh, they hate... What you eating there, buddy?
What you eating there, buddy?
Bobo, you want some of this?
I got Nikki Glaser into this.
It's like whoever got Miles Davis into heroin.
Who was it?
I think it was Buble.
Michael Buble.
People are going to be really, people get really sensitive about chewing.
Yep.
That sounds like...
You know who's also on it?
Boba Fett.
Now we're talking.
I saw Nikki Glaser recently do a show and I was like, she's way off.
And then I said to someone, is she on Boba now?
You want to hit this, Coney?
In three days, I'm one year off Boba.
Another thing about this.
Get away from me.
My friend who's a comic, Jake.
Oh, I know comics too.
He said...
My friend, he's a comic.
I feel threatened all of a sudden.
He did a story.
I'm not just giving the professions of friends for no reason.
My friend who's a dancing pilot.
He'll never be one.
He told me, he was like, I used to be impressed by what you do.
And then I had what you have for Boba.
And I go, I could do that too.
If you had this every day.
So are you chewing on one of the little Boba bubbles?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I'm chewing on one of the Boba bubbles.
This is fascinating to me.
You grow up surrounded by women, Michael Flatley, torn ACLU.
And I would go to plays like what you're saying is exactly what I felt like as a child going to musicals and seeing the comic relief.
And I go, oh, that legwork, I could do, I could...
You get 80% more laughs by moving my legs a certain way.
And my legs have, I don't know if your body has this, my legs have a different brain on stage.
When I'm like they kick in, it's like not, I'm not thinking, and my leg, my leg body, my leg mind does something.
Is all over the map.
Yeah.
So you, when do you get, what's your first experience with comedy?
You're doing improv, you're doing sketches, you're doing standup, what are you doing?
What are you doing?
Musicals and then, well, okay.
Preschool, it was a silent play, Peter Rabbit.
I played Farmer McGregor and I was super shy, but I wouldn't stop talking.
That pesky rabbit.
I was counting tomatoes, blah, blah, blah.
Okay, Farmer McGregor, keep it down.
Do they tell you, you don't really need to talk?
Yeah, let's keep it down.
So that was the first sign of that impulse.
You got the bug.
I got the bug.
And then I started making videos with my friends in high school.
See, this is the thing that I think is miraculous about this new era.
People like to bitch and moan about this new world we're in, social media and all the ills.
I think it's been a godsend in a lot of ways for people like you, because you didn't have to compromise at all.
No.
When you started making your videos, you were... you were going for 120% Chris Fleming.
Like it or don't, none of my business.
Not I'm gonna cajole you into liking me, There was no sense of neediness coming off of it.
It was, this is me being funny in the way I like to be funny.
And if you're out there and you like this, cool.
And I think you've just been, like I said, you're a really hard worker.
You're very prolific.
You're wildly creative.
And you could just... put this out in the purest form yourself, that was not possible.
No.
Can you imagine the world if, you know, you came along in the 1960s or 70s?
I'd be the Unabomber, yeah.
You'd be the Unabomber.
And you know what?
That would have been pretty good too.
Oh, yeah.
I would have done it cute.
No, you'd have been...
You mean the letters you wrote wouldn't have been all about our sick society.
It would have been more like funny bits.
I'd be one of those guys that steals tropical fish from a store or something you know and then does something.
Remember in Maine when that guy there was like a hermit who would go in and break into, remember that.
Yeah.
Yeah.
There was a guy who lived in Maine as a hermit.
He just decided to try it.
He just parked his car and walked into the woods and then basically walked around and broke into vacation homes on the winter and lived in the woods.
I read a book about him recently.
Really?
Fascinating.
Yeah, there's a book on him.
It was great.
It was a short read, really good.
And then they finally caught him breaking into a house after 15, 20 years of living.
He was taking people's fish?
Is he just living there?
Are you squatting?
No, no.
He would stay there.
He'd get their food and then he'd live in the woods.
He'd live off like Panko and stuff.
Oh, okay.
I don't see a problem.
I didn't see this.
It was a victimless crime.
I'm going to say, I didn't see this detour coming.
Oh, sorry.
And I didn't prepare.
I was just trying to imagine what would happen if I didn't have access to Wi-Fi. to upload my stuff.
I'm just trying to envision that.
What do you think would have happened to me?
I would have been boned.
Maybe if they rebooted Mad TV for like Dailymotion or something.
I don't think, I don't know.
I don't know what would have happened.
I think about this for myself.
I think about this all the time, which is put me in a world where there is no place to be a total maniac.
And I'm a babbling idiot in a field and my job in Ireland is to place the stones and build a stone wall.
And I'm saying, yeah, I'll put up a stone on the stone wall, but first, I'm Stone Wally McStonerton.
Look at me now.
Oh, McWally McStonerton.
Now I'm his evil boss.
Oh, yes, his evil boss.
And people just be... I'm his dead wife.
Yeah, I'm his dead wife.
She died a year ago, the milk sickness.
Oh, pay me respects.
Pay me respects.
You would act out in a very public way.
I would act out, which is what I used to do.
You still do.
I know.
It's a problem.
It's an unscratchable itch that you have.
Right.
Which is good.
Why?
Because it makes you continue to be fun.
I hope so.
Even though you would... See, if I were you, I would imagine I'd be tired.
No.
No.
You are so energized.
You have so much physical kinetic energy.
But I'm curious.
There are two kinds of comedians.
The ones that are themselves always, I have that disease.
And then there are the ones that are brilliantly funny, but if you talk to them when they're not, They're really sullen.
They're like, um...
Yeah.
Okay, well, I better get up.
And then they get up there.
And it's really great.
No.
You strike me as more my type.
Yeah.
I'm not as wild as you, I don't think, in my daily life.
But I don't see that much of a distinction.
I definitely...
Part of my onstage stuff is me responding to the stress of being onstage and then using that emotion to then kind of act a certain way and using that energy.
So it is heightened, absolutely.
But I don't see a line between that.
You know, come nightfall I'm not different than I was during the day.
Are you medicated?
No.
You would think I should be.
This is me medicated.
And it's like...
I don't know.
I do feel like they shot me with horse tranquilizers.
I'd be like, ah, horse tranquilizer, right?
Hit me again, doc.
And you also, with fans, are doing full heralds out in the streets.
Full bits, bits everywhere.
Yeah, yeah.
I had to be stopped because I went with Liza and the kids up to see Liza's in-laws.
And we went to this place that's called like Snoqualmie.
And there's a place like Squamish Lake.
And I'm like, hmm, Squamish, I'm on Squamish.
And I'm talking to people and I'm doing bits for people.
And my son just went.
He said it like Lurch on The Addams Family.
Your son who is so composed.
He's so composed.
He's so composed.
And who adores you, by the way.
Thinks you're funny.
Which also makes you mad.
Enrages me.
I think also sometimes, are you ever doing bits in public where people don't quite recognize?
I mean, you're obviously so recognizable, but I saw a video of you.
It doesn't matter if someone doesn't recognize.
I don't care.
It doesn't matter.
They're going to get. whatever sick thing is in there.
I saw a video of you at a music festival.
Yeah.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
You look like Reese Witherspoon in Wild.
Yeah, that was what I was going for.
It was incredible.
I took my daughter to a music festival.
I think you had trench foot in there.
Yeah, I did.
It was a big field.
You look good.
Oh, thank you.
What is that like when you're there, when you're at the music festival?
I mostly am stunned by how much older I am than everybody.
It's stunning.
It is absolutely stunning because everyone there is 20, 21, 22.
And then there is me who voted for Eisenhower in an election.
And I'm just, nothing will make you feel older as a dad than going to a music festival.
And I'm also thinking like, how come none of these ladies are wearing pants?
Yes.
Don't they get cold at night?
Yes.
I've started being like that.
Put on some pants.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I don't know.
So I never see you being that way.
I think you're always going to be.
When a young person doesn't have their midriff out, they're Republican.
Right.
That's what it is.
So here's my question.
So are you more wood sprite?
Are you elf?
Are you a phantasm?
What are you?
Are you...
Are you a creature made of leaves?
I mean, what are you?
In this boucle.
I'm all of the above in your boucle.
Hey, I have a question for the room.
Has any guest moved the chair around more than Chris Fleming?
No.
Not, since you.
I move it a lot.
Yeah, i think you do.
You know in uh, in heat.
You know who didn't move at all pacino.
Okay, you know when pacino and denier are talking in heat in the diner yeah and, and and denier is moving a little bit in case pacino takes out the cuffs.
Yep, that's what i'm doing because i know you're coming for me.
His message was i'm on the downside of a marriage.
Yeah, that's uh, that's um, that's the.
What's the normal life to you?
Barbecues and ball games, Yeah.
I watched that on loop.
That works both ways.
If I see you coming, maybe I gotta put you down.
And there's another flip side to that coin.
Yeah.
If you see me see you coming, I'm gonna put me down.
I may have to come over to where you are and put myself down so I'm down before you.
And there's another side of that lake.
Wait, we're on a lake now?
Okay.
If I see you seeing me thinking about putting yourself down, I'm going to draft up my own suicide pact that I'm going to have you sign so that I can.
Put you down.
Why are you breaking?
Why are you laughing?
This is a serious matter.
Let me tell you, there's a flip-flop side to this flip-flop.
Okay, we're going to look at the other side of the onion now.
We're inside the volcano looking out, okay?
If I see you headed my way and you're going to put yourself down on the other side of the lake, I'm going to take what you've done.
I'm going to take that note, I'm going to copy it, I'm going to put it through ChatGPT and submit it to Columbia University.
I'm not sure what ChatGPT is, but if I tunnel to China...
Is it flip-flop side?
I have the same thing.
I think we're probably obsessed with the same moments in movies.
Where Pacino needs notes but isn't getting them?
Yeah, exactly.
Come on!
It's like, well, if he weren't Pacino, they would say, hey, let's dial that back a little bit.
He has a crazy shout in heat.
Oh, I mean, the ass.
The ass.
His eyes bugged.
I guess it was the 14th day.
Can you do it for me?
Because I can't remember the exact line.
I don't even want to try it, but it's Hank Azaria.
Yes.
Cowering in fear.
Yep.
And he goes, I don't know why I got caught up with that bitch.
And then Pacino whips around and goes, because she's got her.
And he forgets his line for a second.
His eyelids vanish.
And he goes great ass.
You got your head all the way up it and hank is just like hank.
Yeah, hank is there, his head goes back through the chair and that's how pacino delivered every line in every movie after that yeah just, i don't, i will, i'm a i, i am anything pacino does, anything said, I'm with it all the way.
Me too.
He is my favorite actor.
Me too.
I can't take my eyes off of him.
I forgive, I don't even forgive it.
I think whatever he does is by definition fantastic.
Oh my God.
When he's snapping his fingers, telling his wife why he's got to stay on the edge.
Boy, I got to be.
Yeah.
Whew um, kicking the tv out of his car.
Yeah, remember the guy who's hooking up with his wife, by the way.
Screen heat and then listen to this podcast.
I've never seen it.
It's so good.
Yeah, it's like the climax of heat is him kicking a tv out of his car in downtown la and they're blasting the song ultramarine.
Yeah anyway yeah, we should watch it together.
Listen, You took us down another road.
Sorry, sorry.
There've been a few little cul-de-sacs you've taken us down.
Yeah.
And I won't stand for it.
Okay.
I wanna get us back on track here for a little bit.
Pacino made another movie any given Sunday.
See, that's sports related.
I can't.
You have said that your concern sometimes is that you're not weird enough.
That's a quote of yours.
And I'm here to tell you, sir, fear not.
Fear not.
I'm here.
I want you to have me on speed dial.
And whenever you have that fear, call me and I will talk you down.
A dirty little freak.
Yeah.
Do you know what I mean by that?
When I say like, it's not.
Yeah.
Well, your fear is you might catch your reflection when you're doing something wrong.
It's slightly that's hacky or you feel like this was my first thought.
It wasn't my third thought.
No, you know, I do first thought I do.
I'm fully impulsive.
I don't I don't go.
I don't I don't have more than one.
Right.
I just kind of.
Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom.
But it's like I think it was starting on stand up in such a esoteric little club in Cambridge.
Everyone was so freaky that I as a child felt I started high school doing stand up.
And so I felt kind of inadequate around the weirdos, the true weird.
I did.
I honor the you felt that you were not freaky enough.
That's right.
When you were starting out.
Mm hmm.
That blows my mind.
I want to meet these other people.
I want to meet these other tribbles.
Just imagine little fuzzy people with one eyeball, a single leg that comes out.
You're not weird enough, Chris Fleming.
They're building crafts.
Yeah.
We must go back to our planet now.
It's seaworthy.
No, no, they want to go building a ship.
They're building a ship.
Yeah.
Very nice.
Yeah.
Uh yeah that's, and so you start to do.
Here's the.
I had this experience when I went to see your show uh, your standup show here in LA.
At the Wilshire Rebel.
At the Wilshire Rebel.
Yeah.
And I went to see it.
And I'm walking in we park.
My wife and my kids are walking towards the theater and we see all these people who you could just tell are here to see Chris Fleming.
And I mean that in the nicest way.
Yeah.
They're really creative.
Everybody's, Everyone was on the exact same frequency and we all packed this theater.
I'm assuming that you start out in Massachusetts and you have your years in the wilderness.
But when you do these shows now and the place is packed with people that are hanging on every word and you can't do anything that's going to be off-putting to them, that's got to be an incredible experience.
Oh, oh yeah.
No, it's, it's, it's sensational.
It's, it's like yet to be held like that.
And and almost everywhere not philadelphia is pretty rough on me, but everywhere else is.
They're rough on everyone.
They will throw a battery at you if they don't like.
It is crazy philadelphia, but but um, i was just there, but no it's, it's unbelievable and there's a part of me that's like it's almost like it's enough where we're at right now, like i kind of just want to retain this.
I'm not, i'm not really too keen necessarily even on like expansion, because i feel to be seen like that by people and encouraged.
It really makes you feel like it's so effortless, it's so beautiful.
But There's also there's no, there's this flawed concept that you have to keep.
Yeah.
Oh, this is a really good restaurant.
We have to get to the point where there's 18 in every state across the country and they have to be everywhere.
It has to be a franchise and you need to keep leveling up.
And I think there's nothing better than paying your rent doing the thing.
That's exactly what you want to do.
Yeah.
And because of the world we live in now, like I say, it's not big tent anymore.
So it's not network 1967 where you need, you'll get canceled if you're- Right.
Only 30 million people are watching your show.
Yeah.
Oh my God, what an embarrassment.
You got beaten by Mr. Ed last night.
You're out.
No one in Rapid City tuned in.
Yeah, exactly.
You're done.
You're done, kid.
And then you're parking cars the next day across the street from Chasen's.
That's not the world we're in now.
What you need to do is just keep doing what you've been doing.
Exactly.
That's it.
Exactly.
I mean, and it's like...
There is that American thing in me of expansion or whatever that I don't really feel so much anymore because I have done big rooms that are not my crowds.
And to not be seen and not be understood and to not have a curious audience, even though it is massive or whatever.
It's a horrifying experience.
And so it's really I'm really really grateful, just kind of keeping my head down and just keep doing what I'm doing.
What is it like for you if you are in front of a crowd?
Let's say Philly or some town where- Philly wasn't that bad.
I know, you're exaggerating.
Yeah, yeah.
They attacked you three times.
They did piss me off a bit.
Okay, what are you like- when yes, I've seen you when the crowd is right there and everyone's with you.
When you're taking your flights of comedic fancy and for some reason they're not going with you, do you try and get them back or do you have a fuck it gene?
Yeah, at this point, I'm like, I don't need to...
I'm not going to try to win anybody over.
I would have as a younger person.
But I don't feel that anymore.
And it gets really fuck it.
And I can get a little bitchy.
And that can allow you to write jokes that you would not.
When you're heightened in an angry way, you can also, your brain can function in a different way.
And I have found that to be productive in some ways, but it's pretty gruesome.
And especially if doing physical stuff, if they're not laughing, I can get locked somewhere.
Like I need the laughs to push.
Like I've got stuck in like a half somersault because they weren't laughing enough.
Defying gravity is what you're saying.
You're just frozen in the air.
No, no, on the ground.
Oh, on the ground, yeah, yeah.
On the ground, like in one of these.
And I needed the laughs to push me, but they never came.
That's the worst.
I always think that's up there with.
If you do a bit that involves you running out of the room and no one laughs.
The walk back is the saddest thing in comedy.
You do a bit where you're like, oh no, woo, I'm out of here.
And you run out of the room, it's silence.
And then you can hear your shoes squeaking as you walk back in the room and it's, Oh, hell yeah.
Well, anyway, that was good what you were saying.
It's just the worst.
Do you mean doing this socially or on tape?
It's all the same to me, man.
Why draw distinctions?
Yeah.
You got to laugh quota every day.
And you got to fail.
If you commit to something physical and people aren't there with you.
Oh, it's rigor mortis.
It's a true horror show.
Completely.
Completely.
Yeah.
That's why, then the only thing to do is go twice as hard.
But no, but see, I can't.
I just, I freeze.
It's awful.
But see, that tells you, you're in fight or flight, you fight, I freeze.
So if you are, if you're mad, you'll go even, you'll get more physical.
Look.
Because you've done so many tapings for so many audiences.
You must have a thing in you that you can tap into.
To go, I need to work, not in collaboration with this audience.
I guess, maybe.
I don't know.
Yes, I think it's just called, yeah, hours in the cockpit.
But you too.
I mean, we just, we both have, we're both in the same situation.
The thing I love about your work is that it's You've never done one thing that I would have thought of, not one.
I look at you and I think I very much feel a kindred spirit with this fellow and all the stuff you're coming from and your point of view and your physicality is very different from me.
And so I can just enjoy it as a... and I'm just waiting to hear what you come up with next.
It's just, that is for me.
That's darling.
That's really darling.
It's true.
I know, I believe you.
No, thank you.
It's not that true.
Just said it to fill time.
We were so close.
Can I say one thing?
Nothing I've said so far in praise has been true.
Yeah.
Yeah, I know.
It's all been kind of a bit within a bit.
Yeah.
Did you notice I was doing this every time I said I really liked your work?
I felt something under the table.
Little air quotes?
Yeah.
No, I meant everything I just said 100%.
That's what's endlessly fun about watching you do your thing is, and you don't make any concessions.
No.
In the best way.
This is the idea you had.
Do you think you make concessions?
Um...
I don't think you make concessions.
I think I did.
I think there were times in yeah, I think there were times in interviews for all those years when I was doing late night, where you had a choice sometimes what's the funniest thing I could do versus what would a good host do.
And I would let good host win because I- Because you're not a psychopath.
Yeah, well, also- Well, let's be careful there.
I will say- He's definitely a psychopath.
Yeah, psychopath.
I'm a psychopath who, or sociopath, choose, or both.
Psycho-sociopath.
You know how to pose as someone.
Yes, yes, yes, yes.
Yes, that's it.
That's it, yeah.
No, but I do have, if I'm out with somebody in front of a crowd- Yeah.
I don't want them to get hurt.
Does that make sense?
That's beautiful.
I don't want them to get hurt.
So there were plenty of times where you could tell it's your job as a host, which I took really seriously, to take care of this person, even if you're deep down a sociopath.
I felt the need to do that.
And that would make me, it sounds like a selfless thing.
It wasn't.
It's selfish.
I'm not happy if I'm out there with someone who's really unhappy, unless they really deserve it.
But if they're unhappy, I can't do my thing.
It doesn't work.
I don't see that as selfish.
I mean... No, I'm being really strict.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Strictest terms.
I get very squeamish when people try and pretend that they're being selfless, when I think No, when people present themselves as selfless.
And when you look at it, they're doing it in their own self-interest.
And so it's not really selfless.
I get very particular about it.
To preserve your comfort.
Yeah.
Of course.
So I just try to be stringent about that.
I feel the same way.
Which means strict.
But the fact that you can do man on the street stuff.
I couldn't do that because I don't even like the idea of I like being on stage and just a black space, a void.
The idea of potentially...
I don't know how you do that, working with other people, like randos on the street.
Yeah.
And then they must get uncomfortable occasionally.
You know, I think- But you probably are really good at this.
They mostly, it's funny, when we do the, all those years of doing the remotes, I always, I think-
If the other person was really uncomfortable, I don't think we'd end up using it.
Yeah, right.
Because it, and now again, not to be nice, but it probably wouldn't be that good.
Now, every now and then there's someone who deserves, every now and then I get, yeah.
The claws?
The talons?
Yeah.
What guests do you think have deserved the Conan talons?
Well, that's for a second podcast we do where there's no microphone.
We only had the Pope on once.
Boy, was he a prick.
And when he texted me after you did your hot ones, the day your hot ones came out, oh yeah yeah, it was trending everywhere.
And then conan texts me.
He goes watch my hot ones.
I fucking killed that shit i did, and you know because i want he did.
You know he did.
But you know what i did it for.
I'm not to brag no, of course.
My thing is, i feel that i'm your tutor, i'm your mentor and i was trying to show you what a real man does He eats buffalo wings.
And you, were you doing your conservatorship?
But you know, you would have had a little bite of a wing and then scuttled away and then become a bunch of different characters.
Oh, I wouldn't have been able to take what you did.
Okay.
That's what I wanted you to address.
Truly.
This whole thing was a sting operation and I just got it.
Okay.
Yeah.
My hot ones beat the hot ones you're going to do in the future.
In 30 years?
In 30 years when you do hot ones in hospice care.
When I'm sundowning, the host Sean, is like a very old man and he has no lips because he's been eating hot sauce for 40 years.
No chin he just has.
That's where bone bone is coming through.
Yeah, he looks like the red skull that battled Captain America.
He's got pieces of bone coming through.
Don't lump me in with every nerd thing.
You know.
I'm not really a Marvel guy.
You know like when a bed wetter, you know.
Now that I do know.
You know like when someone's like, oh, there's a girl.
Oh, I'm scared.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
You know when people's afraid of cootie?
Cootie's cootie.
Cootie, what are you doing?
I like cootie singular.
Why are you doing this?
I don't know.
It just felt like we were piling on.
You just naturally piling on like a bully.
You know when people pretend to like America, but they don't?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Anyway.
When you did that move, I thought of the...
The trailer that you're in with Rose Byrne, where you got the glasses on.
You look like every woman that taught me in elementary school.
That's what I'm going for.
I won.
That's what I'm going for.
I won.
Chris Fleming, Chris Fleming, he's the funniest guy in town.
Chris Fleming, he's always around.
And we're in Cleveland, by the way.
Yeah, there's no one funny here.
The town is Cleveland.
I'm just looking through your papers.
It says here you owe me $8,000.
That's interesting.
Look, this is the first guest we've had who paid to be on the podcast.
This is a paper play.
I'm really going to try and get some money out of you for this.
I do believe, I'm going to wrap this up.
I do believe this.
I believe that the almighty.
The almighty God put this man on the earth just to amuse me.
I agree.
And I'm eternally grateful to that God because look at him.
His fingers are vibrating.
I so want to reach across the table and throw him over the room.
But I won't because I'm a kind man or good at posing as a kind man.
But I'm so overjoyed to see what you do next.
And all I ask is that I get to come watch it.
That's all I want to see.
You're truly the best.
Thanks, man.
I look up to you so much.
So thank you.
Oh God, nice at the end.
No, it's like this.
There's people when people when you know there's certain people that give you praise, that keeps you know, that's what that's, that buys you years of doing the things that you feel strong about doing, and he's one of them.
I'm so oh, big time.
Oh, my god, of course yeah, i did some work in the early 90s.
That was memorable.
Okay, that's all i'm gonna say.
All right, I want you out of here.
I know, I get that.
How did you get here?
Did you get here in a car?
I'm picturing like a VW Bug.
It's pumpkin yellow.
Wait a minute.
You want to see it?
What do you really have?
I want to know what's down there.
Well, you want to see the other one?
Yeah.
Okay.
Well, I'll show you after.
I have one car now that I drive.
I drive on the right side.
It's a Japanese car.
So cops look and they're like, should we shoot the tires out?
It's a Waymo?
But they don't.
It's called a Nissan Figaro.
Oh, nice.
It's tiny.
Oh, yeah.
You want to go on a ride sometime?
Yeah, I will.
The battery died.
Let's do something.
I really do.
I really do want to go and get a meal with you.
Let's do it.
I haven't seen you in a while.
You've been and you know my family.
Anytime you wanted to come over and do a tight 10 and then we'll give you a little yeah, a little pita sandwich with some creamed corn on it.
What's my favorite meal?
We'd have you over.
Seriously.
You're a wonderful person.
I'm just going to say this to all of our listeners.
If you haven't seen Chris Fleming do his thing, go online, start watching.
You'll never stop.
He's a brilliant, brilliant fellow.
Peace out, Tupac.
Props to your mother.
I got nothing.
No way to end this.
Just say thank you.
Bye.
I'm looking at my hand right now.
It's really dry.
Eduardo, cut the mic.
No, no, cut the mic.
Three, two, one.
Blay, you're joining us here because we have to ask you a question.
We need to get to the bottom of something.
Okay.
Okay.
When we record, you sit back there with Eduardo and Adam, and we took a picture of a recent session.
We're going to bring it up on the screen here.
Okay, let's take a look here.
And we just want answers.
This is what you brought in.
Yeah.
Five cans of seltzer water and a hand sanitizer bottle.
Well, the hand sanitizer's not mine.
Okay.
Okay.
But still.
When I use hand sanitizer, I don't use hand sanitizer.
Do you drink that much in a session?
Oh, yeah.
Really?
Oh, easily.
Not shown is probably the coffee I finished.
How do you not have to pee five minutes in?
Well, I was just going to say, I have a big bladder, but I didn't want to offer that information.
How do you know your bladder's big?
Just because you don't have to go pee-pee all the time?
Because I could drink that much and be fine.
Okay.
I'm impressed.
You know what's interesting?
Look at his body language right now.
Why are you so defensive?
I understand that.
I don't like being at this table.
Why are you so defensive?
I don't like being at this table.
Can I run this for one second?
You have your arms crossed in front of you.
No.
That was the universal sign for it.
You think that's going to work?
No.
You think that's going to work?
I'm doing this.
You do you.
No.
You to you.
No, no, no.
No, no, no.
Don't say this to you.
You to you.
No, you to you.
UTI.
Listen, I need to conduct a serious interrogation here.
I'm not talking.
The pointing.
You're not talking?
I'll call Ripley's, believe it or not.
This is not a gotcha thing either.
No.
I'm just curious.
Clearly, clearly this isn't a gotcha thing.
But why?
You love being in here.
Your leg is going like a jackhammer.
You have your arms crossed in front of you like you're a defiant.
Right.
And you're shouting.
You always shout into the microphone.
Did he not, Eduardo?
This is true.
Okay, why can't you, I'm known to be loud, but I do lower my voice when we're on the microphone.
Right.
You shout when you get on the microphone.
I am- Too loud.
No, God.
Excited to be here always.
I love what I do and I love working for you and I love working with my best friends and I am excited to be here.
Good answer.
Thank you so much.
I've said previously on this podcast, guys, back me up.
When you're behind this counter, it feels like you're very far away out of the action.
So I feel like I need to project.
I have a large head.
But you understand how microphones work, right?
This is not why we brought him to the table.
I have a large head and it just comes out of me, man.
It just reverberates.
It's like talking in a cave.
Okay, I just wanted to attack you a little bit.
Jesus.
And make you self-conscious.
Yes, it's working.
Okay, settle down.
And remember, that's a very sensitive instrument.
You let my client say his piece.
Thank you.
Thank you.
No, no, no.
And now I'm going to make the... No!
This goes for men and women, too.
God, Jesus.
This means add a little paprika.
Oh, good.
It looks like you're trying to give me like a... What is this called?
I don't want to say... Nipple twister.
Purple nurple.
I was going to say...
Titty twister is what I call it as a child.
Yeah, well.
A purple nurple?
Thanks, Body Mouth.
I thought it was purple nurple.
It's a purple nurple.
I do think I'm going to turn this back to Matt because he had some kind of idea here.
If the idea was you drink four cans of water, I'll be shocked.
If you've built...
If you've built your church on sand, I will be shocked.
But I'm sure there's something big coming here.
What you got, Matt?
No, I'm abstaining.
I'm not getting involved.
Hey, but that's a lot.
Get him!
Isn't that a lot?
Isn't that a lot?
Five cans?
In like 45 minutes?
No, these could be like two hours.
But how do you open them during an interview when we don't hear it?
I will say I wait till there's laughter and I go underneath the table.
Eduardo sees this.
I go way underneath the table.
This is true.
And so it's like I wait for like...
Underneath the table.
No one hears it.
I defy our listeners.
Can you hear me ever open a can of pop?
No, I never do.
Yeah, thank you.
Well, it's not a can of pop.
This is just... Well, it's soda.
It's all the same.
Is it soda?
You know what you could do is pre-open them.
Yeah, but then they get flat.
They don't really get that flat.
They don't want it flat.
We're here for two hours.
You know, I do all, I will say.
Seems like you're being fine talking about four ball.
I will pre-open a couple.
I think this is one of the best things you've ever brought to the podcast.
I agree.
The great mystery of the four cans of pop.
I agree.
Okay, so let me just get something straight.
You always say you want something to talk about, and I bring you something to talk about, and this is the response I get.
I'm sorry.
I called bullshit on you.
Yes, that's true.
I apologize.
What did you bring to talk about?
What did you bring today?
I apologize.
I assumed that if we were going to bring something, it would be something of quality.
Oh, my God.
I didn't think it was going to be.
I will never bring another thing.
I brought something, too.
Shona, you keep these tissues handy.
These Kleenex.
Oh, my God.
I charge you with needing, do you need all of these?
Are you a real nose blower?
Or are you an eye wiper?
I can get hours out of this.
Look, it's on my head.
If you found this out, you would go for 15 minutes on him if you found it of your own accord.
I don't agree.
Listen, I find you guilty.
And maybe I'm wrong.
Maybe you having four cans of pop is a deep vein of ore and I'm being ignorant.
So let's explore it more.
So what else?
We're actually out of time.
Now the pop.
Where do you how far beneath the table to hold the can of aforementioned pop before you ignite the grenade that makes such a loud noise?
You know, what I am thinking of now is that he must be tortured when the conversation gets kind of serious.
And he really wants.
Maybe he's had a lot of saltines and he really wants to open his can of pop, but he can't because there's no laughter.
And I've taken us down.
I'm taking us down a road of well geez and so well.
I'm really sorry that you lost your father.
Were you close to your father?
I was very close to my father.
Oh, I see.
And you're just there struggling, and then you're probably trying to force a laugh.
Ha!
Ha!
You ever heard of a lock-knock joke?
Seems like he got a lot of material out of this suggestion.
You know what?
I'm helping you by making this very funny with my mind.
That is honestly, that is really, if you want the honest truth, that is actually truly the case.
I do get annoyed when the podcast gets serious and I'm very thirsty.
I'm just waiting for a laugh.
And I will say, and I hesitate to even bring this up.
Remember the time we had a fireman's widow on and she was recently widowed and she was really upset and I was talking to her about the pain of loss remember.
And then you were in the corner and I couldn't see what you're holding onto the table and you kept going Who's there?
Dishes.
Dishes, Sean Connery.
And I was like, what?
And the woman said, I just lost my husband in a fire.
And you were like.
Yes.
Adam has something to say and I respect him.
I was just going to say.
I think the intention here was you know, if you remember, Blay narked on Eduardo for watching soccer.
Thank you. the intention here was to kind of get some revenge on Blake.
I don't think this delivered necessarily, so we need to figure out a way to get a better revenge on Blake.
Let the record state this is not revenge at all yet.
Okay, but I will say, I will say, yes.
Why is Blake?
Listen, why did you just high five him that you need greater revenge brought upon you?
You dummy.
Wait, what?
He just said, this doesn't count as revenge against me because it's not mean enough.
And you, you gave him a fist bump.
He just said, let's convict him to death and hang him by the neck.
And you went, yeah, and fist bumped him.
I kind of wasn't paying attention.
Okay, I know.
I know.
You're thinking about your next can of pop.
Well, you did have something to say.
What was it uh?
Oh, i was gonna say i please speak more quietly.
Okay, i'll let the man talk.
I think it's a normal volume.
Personally, i think he's speaking at a normal volume.
That's a fist bump.
Yeah, that's a fist bump.
Oh, my god, he's getting a headache.
This room is hell.
This is hell.
This is your segment.
I know.
All right.
Look, I was going to say, I do burst in sometimes.
Now that's revenge.
Eduardo!
Eduardo!
Eduardo!
Nice.
Never screw with the guy who controls the volume knob.
I want to clarify something.
I think this is a great thing that you brought in because I could go after you.
That was fun for me.
And we got a lot of good, hard laughs.
Me mocking you during the whole bit with the Kleenex tissues.
We'll probably get a Kleenex tie-in now.
I was on cloud nine.
Monetize it.
So did I throw you under the bus?
Sure I did, but it was a lot of fun, and we had a lot of yucks.
And Eduardo.
I still think we have to try again to get Blake, even though we've gotten him twice in this segment.
We will.
And so I'm going to keep an eye, and if you keep some jelly beans back there, I'll be all over you like a cheap suit.
You know, I say bring it on.
Oh, wow.
I say bring it on.
Challenge accepted.
I feel like a lot goes on back here that we don't know about.
This is the real podcast.
Cans are being open.
Are you doing a crossword puzzle ever, Adam?
Be serious.
No, but I check my phone a lot.
He checks his phone a lot.
Yeah.
He also has worry beads.
He's always rubbing worry beads.
And if he thinks that the podcast has lost its way and is no longer relevant.
I can hear a rattle rattle, rattle.
One day we should, the three of us should be back here and they should be up here.
Oh, that's an idea.
Is it?
Yeah.
Who's going to do what Eduardo's doing?
Oh, I guess Matt could do it.
If he shows me the basics, I can do it.
I'll be Blay.
I think it's two knobs, frankly, Eduardo.
Matt will be Eduardo.
One says louder and one says quieter.
Conan will be Adam.
Yeah, I can sit over there and I can worry.
I'm worried.
I'm worried.
I don't hear money here.
All right.
Oh, please, please.
No one is safe.
Here, money here.
You know what he asked me to do before we came in here today?
He wanted me to wear a shirt that said Walmart.
And I was like, why?
And he went, they're not a sponsor yet, but they might be.
And I'm like, this is a really ugly shirt.
I have nothing against Walmart, right?
It's ridiculous.
It's, you know, it is silly.
It's so Adam.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Remember those glasses you wanted me to wear that said STP motor oil?
And I was like, why?
And you said, just wear them.
Yeah.
Or that shirt that says, I love fracking.
That was my shirt.
And fracture.
My grandmother made me that shirt.
She was big.
She was saying I'm telling you there's a way to get oil out of the ground that's even worse for the environment.
And I'd be like, Granny, it's 1975.
Let it go.
All right.
We're good.
And you know what?
I love you all.
No.
No, I don't.
No, there it is.
There it is.
Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend, with Conan O'Brien, Sonam Ovsessian, and Matt Gourley.
Produced by me, Matt Gourley.
Executive produced by Adam Sachs, Jeff Ross, and Nick Liao.
Theme song by The White Stripes.
Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino.
Take it away, Jimmy.
Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair.
And our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples.
Engineering and mixing by Eduardo Perez and Brendan Burns.
Additional production support by Mars Melnick.
Talent booking by Paula Davis, Gina Batista, and Brit Kahn.
You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts and you might find your review read on a future episode.
Got a question for Conan?
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