I just got a $20 tip on a $10 check.
I may be the greatest waitress ever, and strangely, that doesn't make me want to die.
You're finally getting the hang of a job you've had for years.
Is your last name Obama?
Another big tip!
I think it's my smile.
Well, something's smiling.
Pick up panty melt.
Correction, panty melt.
Caroline, you have... What, Max?
Pride in a job well done?
Yes, some of us can still feel pride.
Yeah, but only for about another ten seconds.
Caroline.
Oh, no.
Oh, no.
This reminds me of when I saw my mother's side boob.
Max, you have to say something.
Um, Caroline?
Hey, look.
I just got a $10 tip from this guy, and I spilled coffee on his face.
Screw it.
I'm taking the ass train to money town.
Oh, nope.
Not wearing underwear.
Pop a squat over here behind the float.
I'll block you so no one will see.
And the 15 high school marching bands will mask the sound of you hitting rock bottom.
Give me that thing.
Damn it, Max.
Damn it.
How do I do this?
Well, I do have my master's in public urination from DeVry.
Just unzip, put it in your pants, and let a river run through it.
No one's looking, right?
Nope.
Sophie, you were in the parade?
Of course I was.
You can't be a volunteer firefighter without being in the parade.
You're a volunteer firefighter?
Well, I do go down to the station voluntarily.
Besides, every fire station needs a pole, and I'm it, baby.
Anyway, we're all going to Blarney's.
Shots on me.
And by that, I mean shots on me.
Come on.
When the fireman's pole offers you drinks, you say yes.
Max, I am not going back in there.
In fact, I'm treating you to a drink at the plaza.
You know that money we were saving for our funeral?
That's no longer an issue because I just died right there.
Rest in pee, Caroline.
You are the only person I'll wear this for.
You know, without the $300 up front.
Thank God Sophie had that maid outfit.
I think this is gonna work.
As long as you don't turn around.
Caroline, is that you?
Oh, she's coming.
Quick, behind the screen.
Put the suit on over that.
You want me to change into a Chanel suit behind the screen?
In this room, I've done it numerous times.
Oh, did the rest of our staff arrive yet?
Oh, yes, if you can call them that.
Where did you find them, anyway?
Uh, around.
Just push me into the room!
I'm doing the best I can.
These pants are five sizes too big.
God, next time don't hire a child butler.
And you, don't they have wheelchairs in China?
I'm from Korea.
I don't think so.
Tell Caroline she owes me.
Who knows what STD I'm catching from Oleg's butler costume.
Does he even have this?
It's from when they play Going Downtown Abbey.
Maria, I need help with my hair.
See what you can do.
Oh, no.
I'm not really good at that.
Maria, just do it.
Go.
OK.
You get one of those, and that was it.
Oh, there's my girl.
You look wonderful.
I forgot how good Chanel feels against my skin.
It's like coming home, but the house is made of silk and hope.
How's this?
A little too Princess Leia?
On top, I like it up on top.
Whoa!
Whoa, Grammy, keep it PG.
Where am I?
Oh, it's Gertrude Goolsby.
Your first and only guest has arrived.
Astrid?
Oh.
Sneaks up on you.
Good luck with all this.
Well, I'll be in the kitchen studying the Chipotle menu for my next job.
Don't you look smashing, Astrid.
I'm assuming.
I can't see anymore.
Well, I bet you and Grammy have a lot of fun stuff to catch up on.
How is Gordon?
He has face cancer.
Or the weather is also a subject.
We'd like the first course pronto.
Maria, look alive.
You're one to talk.
And she gets one of those, and that was it.
Here, may I ask you a question?
Where am I?
And where is our sommelier?
Oh, at your service.
Some wine.
Um, my bad.
This one's empty.
I got bored.
Uh, and what about you, ma'am?
Uh, white, red, or maybe you prefer a chocolate brown?
Oh, I must be in New Orleans.
Here we go.
It's from the Bordeaux region.
More like the Costco region.
Okay, who's next?
I washed it out.
Nobody else throw up in this thing, I mean it.
Well, after I crush this, you wanna come back to my dorm room?
I have a junior suite.
You're sweet, Junior.
But I have a boyfriend who could be your father.
He also could be my father, I've never met the man.
Oh, buzzkill, three o'clock.
Just a minute, young man.
There is no underage drinking here.
This is college.
Hello?
Oh, hi, Oleg.
I lost Sophie again.
She's like a sexy set of car keys.
Hey!
No random uncommitted sex here.
This is college.
I have a computer full of videos that says you're wrong.
Oleg, I can't talk now.
And I have my own problems.
I don't know where the RA is, so I've had to step up.
We're like the Marines of no funny business.
That better not be a joint.
Yeah, that's a doobie, brother.
Sophie won't even let me feed Barbara.
She says fathers aren't equipped for the job.
Well, she does have a point.
You don't have boobs.
Anyone ever tell you you're a real buzzkill?
Oh, I have to go.
I hear zippers unzipping.
Are you just on the phone with poison control because I told you Steve's gonna be fine?
Steve?
Breathing, I think.
Now take off your top and shotgun a beer with me.
Thanks, my speech is tomorrow.
And this top gets a lot of compliments.
I just want you to have fun at college for once.
Can you do that for me?
I do things for you all the time.
You remember when I told your date it was chestnut that farted?
If I have one drink, will you roll Steve out of here and get everyone to leave?
Buzzkill!
Buzzkill!
Buzzkill!
Buzzkill!
Buzzkill!
Buzzkill!
Buzzkill!
Buzzkill!
Buzzkill!
Buzzkill now, bitches!
Corrupting dorks is meaningful work.
Who wants to see me pretend bang Steve again?
Do it for real!
Caroline, what are you doing?
You of all people should know you can't have a party here.
This is college.
Get off my back, narc.
Who's this?
My fiancé.
Guess we gotta make it even.
Oh, my God.
I love college Caroline so much more than all other Carolines.
I have wept in the arms of my loving wife, Peggy.
I have wept about the plight of these two girls and I am very thankful that we could all pull together to ease their pain.
Thank you.
Max and Caroline, come closer to me.
Closer?
Does he know we don't have penises?
Come close. so I can present you your giant check.
I just wish I brought my giant wallet.
No one has to know we're getting money from them.
Right now, millions of people are watching as we stream live around the world.
Oh, this is streaming right now?
Max, this is streaming.
I'm streaming all over my pants about this check.
Right now, all around the world, people are seeing what morals look like.
These are the girls who are standing up against the deviants, the divorcers, the scientists, the hip hop lovers and the doobie smokers.
Whoa.
I don't like people or science either, but ain't nothing wrong with a righteous doob.
We need to show the world that we will not tolerate these deviants and these degenerates any longer.
I don't want to be associated with these people.
The gays will hate us forever.
And when I get an interior, I want it decorated.
People watching everywhere, meet the two new faces of family.
You know what we have to do, right?
On the count of three.
One, two... Look away, Peggy!
Hold me, Terry.
These match the prints found at an Arby's break-in in 07.
It's purely coincidental.
I can't believe this is happening to me.
My life is over.
Look at the camera.
I'm so humiliated.
And turn to the side.
Ma'am, this isn't Vogue behind bars.
Sorry, officer.
She's a virgin.
Me and myself spent some time in the juvie system up in Providence.
You know a family court judge named Shelly?
No.
Go.
Oh, officer, hold.
Thanks, but stay away during the full-body cavity search.
Proceed.
You think?
So you girls broke into an old lady's house, got halfway through the window and stole absolutely nothing.
Glad I'm protecting the city from you.
I mean, ISIS who, right?
All right, let's go.
If he had just texted me, none of this would be happening.
I wouldn't be in prison.
I'd be home.
My other prison.
Uh, wait.
If who had texted you?
Thanks for asking.
This guy I slept with didn't text me for two weeks after we had sex and I left my rings at his place.
So I You did the two-week rule.
Yeah.
But she got the wrong apartment because knowing her, her eyes were closed the whole time.
Well, why didn't you say so?
We got a two-week rule over here!
See, uh, right over here?
We'll get you out soon.
I left my billy club at the captain's house.
He's got three more days.
See?
See?
It's gonna be fine.
We'll just chill here for an hour.
It's like an edgier LensCrafters.
What am I gonna tell my father?
Prison to prison call?
I can't be here!
I can't be here!
No!
No!
Come back!
We were good!
Dumb move.
Dumber than me and the captain.
Let me guess.
Our glasses won't be ready in an hour.
I can't believe you got us arrested in jail.
Where are we going?
I mean, besides nowhere in life.
You girls lost your get-out-of-jail-free card.
You're gonna have to get someone to bail you out.
You're going in the holding cell.
Yo!
Fresh meat!
Sorry, I have a reputation to uphold.
Max, I'm scared.
I got this.
Yo!
She's already my bitch.
So she can't be anyone else's.
Sorry.
Hold my belt.
What?
Do it.
Suck, suck.
Cool, cool.
50 women, one toilet?
It's like backstage at The View.
Max, I can't handle this.
I can't handle this.
I couldn't even watch the Green Mile.
Max, this is play jail.
It's not like we're doing real time.
Just put on your game face.
I don't have a game face.
Unless the game is I give up, my life is over, then this will do.
Well, do something, because that's about to get wiped off your face by the bruiser covered in tattoos making her way to us right now.
Hey, you guys signing up for the talent show?
Excuse me?
Yeah, some of us have been in here for days due to prison overcrowding.
So, the guards, let us put on a show.
As long as nobody dies.
Wow, prison has changed.
Maybe I have a Norman Rockwell idea of prison, but what happened to shaking a snitch in the food line?
Oh, talent show?
That's not scary at all.
You know, I won my yacht club talent show three years in a row in the 10 to 13 division.
That's crazy.
I'm looking at 10 to 13 for Grand Theft Auto.
Where are my manners?
I'm Tenaya.
I'm Max, this is Caroline, but you can call us by our gang names, White Lightning and The Blade.
Get up or I will close this bed, with you in it, and your new reality show will be True Life.
I Live in a Wall.
I'm not getting up, ever.
Stop it!
Stop it!
Stop it!
Put me down!
Put me down!
What's happening?
I can't lift my head.
Did I have a stroke?
Calm down.
No one has stroked in your bed since... What is it, going on a year?
My hair is caught.
My hair is caught!
My hair is caught!
Who are you yelling at?
The whole situation!
Do something!
Let me look.
Oh, yeah.
It's all caught up in the bed gears here.
Oh, my God.
I have a bed with gears, and my hair is caught in it!
Oh, nope.
Oh, it's really all stuck up in there.
God, it's so odd.
I don't know how a thing like this could happen.
Uh, you put me up into the wall, trapped in a murphy bed, like some welfare rapunzel.
Stop panicking, i'll get a scissors.
Oh yeah, yeah.
Get the scissors then plunge them into my heart, because i'd rather die than cut my hair.
Okay max, i think i have something that might work, but you have to promise me that you will never bring this up again.
What the fact that your head is stuck to your bed?
Sorry, that's coming up again.
Go into my nightstand and get my cinnamon-flavored makeup remover.
You mean the lube?
I mean, please call it makeup remover.
Please.
I need us to do that.
It's almost empty.
Man, you've removed a lot of makeup.
Stop it.
Just squeeze some out and put it on the parts that we need to move.
Yeah, I'm familiar.
Oh.
Please tell me it's working.
I'm trying, but I don't think I can get your hair out.
Good news is I think we can fit a penis in there.
Who could that be?
A rapist we've done most of the work for.
We were just talking about you.
Max, you gotta help me with the bread for Hans Toast.
I've already burned ten of these.
Turns out the only thing I can successfully bake is meth.
Oleg, come to the bed.
I need you.
All right.
Only took you four years, but I'm here, baby.
No, it's not like that, Oleg.
Just get over here.
Okay.
Hold this.
Awesome strokes, T. I went to this concert, but I couldn't afford the shirt.
Oh, we're done with me.
I went to see them on this tour this summer after my junior year.
It was a really warm night, and I snuck out of the house, and we all... Whatever.
And what?
What?
Did something great happen the night you got the T?
Look at me.
Does it look like something great ever happened?
Hey, cute T. I had my eye on it.
I was just bringing my girl back to see it.
She was in the bathroom.
I had to throw up.
So hand it over.
You know the rule.
Turn your back on the rack, you're under attack.
That's not me.
That's the law of the will.
Yeah, you better walk away.
My T-shirt's gone.
It's not here.
I bet it was that place. who was eyeing it.
Maria, can we call security?
I'm sure one of the cameras must have captured the theft.
Cameras?
What do you think this is, Target?
It's gone, Caroline.
She must have stolen it while I was watching you do your stupid $5 dance.
I didn't turn my back on the rack.
Why am I under attack?
See, this is why I shop alone.
This is why I eat alone.
This is why I'm leaving alone.
Maria, I'll pay for these.
You don't have to box them.
You can just use tissue paper.
Even as I'm saying this, I know it's not gonna happen.
Hey, I'm Johnny.
I'm Max's friend.
I'm Caroline.
I'm freaked out.
This is something we do.
To remind us of our families.
Excuse me for a second.
These guys tip more if I high-five them when they talk about chicks.
Vagina!
Yeah!
Wow, girl, your bartender friend is cute.
Look at those arms.
Nice guns.
He's not just a bartender.
This dude is legit.
He's a street artist, goes by JPEG.
Well, right now, he's cutting up limes and cleaning glasses.
Well, you're an heiress who's slinging burnt hash and stale toast.
Touché.
Touché.
These are from the gentleman with the sweet note.
Nice ass, nice rack.
If that's your tequila noise, God knows what your orgasm sounds like.
Same face, no sound.
Oh, my God.
I can't believe it.
It's the girl from the will.
I got your backer.
What is she doing?
She thinks Goodwill has made her tough.
Um, hi, how are you?
I just wanted to talk to you about that shirt at the Goodwill.
See, my friend really wanted it, and, well, your friend has it.
What are you saying, bitch?
Okay, I think we might have got off on the wrong foot.
Do you want to feel my foot, bitch?
Well, I guess we know what your favorite word is.
Oh!
Those are not extensions, bitch!
I should break this up.
I should break this up.
No, no, no.
Give her like four seconds to learn her lesson.
Okay.
Ow.
All right.
All right.
Okay.
Okay.
Okay.
Come on.
Come on.
It's okay.
How you guys doing?
Cute.
Strokes.
Tea.
Probably look better on me considering it's mine.
You snooze, you lose, puta.
Nice language.
You kissed your obviously closeted boyfriend with that mouth?
You know what?
I wouldn't even want it now.
Now that it's been on you, might as well have been a Kenny G shirt.
And now I walk.
You can't just let her win.
Oh, forget it.
It's over.
I'll be right with you.
Idiota!
Lo siento.
Todo es mi culpa.
I'm still a little clumsy.
It's my first week.
I'll bring you some soda water.
But seriously, your boyfriend will come out before that borscht stain does.
That was awesome.
Yeah.
I kind of just do stuff, like I just did while you were standing there watching me.
Thanks, girlfriend.
What?
Is she coming for me?
Run.
Yes!
Yes, it's OK.
Wow.
I guess the hurricane looked us up on Yelp and stayed the hell away.
It survived the storm.
My diner's alive.
Yeah, parts of it have chased me around the kitchen.
I love how you're funny.
The storm is gone.
My body got it right.
Now it can only pump blood on its own.
Great.
Oleg survived, too.
This hurricane sucked.
I made it home, but Sophie and the mani were gone.
And I could tell by the look in Chestnut's eyes and the whine on his maid that they're not coming back.
Oleg, you're here.
Sophie, you're here.
Oh, I was so worried.
What happened?
To my churro?
Yeah, I got wet.
Oh, I didn't want to be in the hurricane without you.
And I didn't want anyone to be in you without me.
Don't be silly.
We're family now.
Plus, the storm got me all horned up.
Confession.
I'm not just wet from the storm.
Oh, my God.
Does this guy always know what to say or what?
All right, let's go home.
I love happy endings.
Oh, well, if Barbara's sleeping, I might be able to give you one on the way home.
Okay, good.
Now we've got the power on, but how do we steam the milk?
Maybe it's on this touchpad thing.
Oh, holy mother of God!
I just steamed my vagina!
Caroline, your shift started three minutes ago.
Who cares about side work?
I probably can't have children.
What is wrong with her?
She just had her carpet steam cleaned.
You two still haven't figured out this machine?
Move away.
I'm Asian and a man.
I'm good with this kind of stuff.
Well, Han, actually, it's pretty dangerous.
Hey, Han's a man, according to recent lore.
Let him save the day.
Okay, let's see.
Here's the steam one, and here's the button for... My neck!
It burned my neck!
And that was my best feature!
Luckily, you're not taller.
You would have burned your vagina.
That cappuccino machine might have just given me a grande hysterectomy.
Caroline, I know this might not be a good time.
I heard about your recent clam bake.
But what did Sophie say?
I'm sorry, Oleg.
Sophie's moved on.
She's seeing other men.
Yeah, but not in your neighborhood.
She's classy.
She had the decency to do it on a stupid Staten Island.
She went to the island without me?
We were going to travel the world together.
Oleg?
Oleg, are you crying?
No, I have a booger situation.
Says the man who cooks the food.
Hey, what's this area back there?
Uh, it's our closet.
Why?
I should check it out.
I'm always looking for places to have sex with women who are not Sophie.
It's Oleg in here?
I thought I smelled, um...
A delicious mix of men and butter.
Oleg's in the closet.
Oh, honey, I could have told you that.
Really, Luis, Oleg is straight.
Wait till you see what happens when I place an order for a bone-in ribeye.
It's true.
He shows us his penis every time.
Boundaries, girls.
Boundaries.
So is it a nice one?
Well, it did open a door for me once.
Hey, Luis, maybe you can help us.
Since you're a lifer, you have to know how to work this thing.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
I work for a diner.
I don't work for you.
Don't bring me into your drama.
Oh, I have to get this.
It's my mother.
She's on death watch.
But we used to have the same machine when I worked at Starbucks.
.
No, I am not working at Starbucks.
That's not what I was gonna say.
Just for two hours.
We can quit after we learn how to work this damn machine.
Hey, I am not a quitter.
I get fired, that's my wheelhouse.
Wow, this place is amazing!
It's like the cover of Gay Gay Gay magazine.
Max, you have to stop reducing them to that gay stereotype.
Now read me the security code.
It's... Liza.
A lot of different types of people like Liza Minnelli.
It's a poodle in a tutu!
That's not gay, right?
Lots of... lots of different types of people have a poodle and a tutu.
Named Barbara Streisand?
Oh, there's the book of instructions.
Hey, girl.
Hey, Care Bear.
Have fun with Barbara Streisand and Winona Judd.
Winona is a little temperamental and tends to stay in the bedroom.
We didn't have time to purge her anal gland before we left.
Instructions on page two.
I'm starting to understand the $600.
Don't worry, it's easy.
We do it all the time.
No wonder Winona's so temperamental.
Help yourself to anything in the fridge.
There are portable saunas in the closet.
Portable saunas?
Love it!
What is it?
This is so cool.
I'm hot like I'm at the beach, but I'm not stepping in any used condoms.
Yeah, these are great.
My friend Candace Travelstead used one to make weight for prom.
Are you done with that?
Yeah, switch.
On spring break, I always love spending the day at the beach.
Just the chilling and the girl talk.
Yeah.
Tell me again about the sound the anal gland made when you squeezed it.
Please stop.
I already told you twice.
And now Wynonna Judd won't even look at me.
Well, not without her lawyer in the room.
I'm hungry.
What do you eat on vacation?
Anything we want.
Let's see.
I bet they're refrigerators stocked with all kinds of pates and cheeses and those parm crisp things.
By the way, nice suit.
You look like someone should be pouring a 40 on you in a rap video.
Thanks.
There's nothing.
I mean, come on.
What kind of gays are they?
All anal gland and no cheese.
I just expected everything to be better.
You know, champagne on ice, thousand thread count sheets.
I mean, the towels, they're not even bath sheets.
Wait, the towels aren't good?
Because I already stole two.
They're fine.
They're just not what I was expecting.
What's happening over there?
You could use a little shoulders.
You're right.
Enough.
We're on vacay.
Come on.
Let's go get dressed and find some place to eat.
Are you crazy?
I'm not leaving this thing.
This is the happiest I've ever been in my life.
OK.
Well, order in and pretend it's room service.
They must have a menu drawer here somewhere.
Plus, we'll never find a restaurant with a portable sauna section.
Food network party tonight to celebrate the release of a cookbook.
Food and drink provided.
Free foodie food, free foodie drinks.
Yay, let's go.
No, I like it in here.
It's amazing.
Ashley wants to go.
Ashley wants to go.
Fine, but can I bring the dog?
I've always wanted to be one of those girls who brings a tiny dog to a public place and just looks at everyone like yeah, the tiny dog's the what.
You can be whoever you want to be.
You're on vacation.
I'm gonna go invite Brendan to come.
You gotta have a crush on spring break.
Well, I'm sitting in my crush.
Hey, shouldn't you put something on?
Uh, it's spring break.
Deborah, get help!
Go, Barbra Streisand, go!
Andy, I'm sorry about your birthday.
It just went out of my head.
I feel bad.
And I feel sick.
Can you stop swinging the bed?
Sorry, I'm nervous.
Yeah, you're nervous a lot, which is why our other bed isn't moving at all.
No, no, no, no.
Don't go.
Come back.
Come back to the sex bed.
Let's get some sex going.
Come on.
We can get this bed moving now.
See?
See?
Hi.
Oh, hi.
Oh, it's your birthday.
It's your birthday.
It's tomorrow.
OK.
OK.
I can do better, see?
Here we go now.
Here we go.
Want to see me twerk it?
Oh, want to see me twerk it?
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
If I had any food, I would throw up.
OK.
Yeah, have a seat.
Let's have some bread.
Has it really been that long since we had sex?
Sweetie, after that dance, it's hard to believe you've ever had sex.
It hasn't been that long.
The shop opened on the 12th, so it's... What?
No, it's just interesting you had no problem remembering that date.
Let me ask you a question.
Where do you think you're going?
What do you mean?
I'm here.
No.
Where do you think you're going?
Like, where do you see your life in a year?
Well, pretty soon Max and I will be out of this rough patch and full force with the business doing weddings and big events, and then Max and I will probably open another store, get a bigger apartment.
Okay, and am I in there somewhere?
Oh, come on.
I was getting to you.
Were you?
When?
When were you getting to me?
After your business is a success?
No, now.
Come on.
Sex time in the sex bed.
Oh!
Oh, lending him clothes.
I told him to get something cool, so he bought a short sleeve suit.
It's part of the stephen seagal summer collection.
Hey, are you ready?
Yeah, you look so handsome, let me just fix that hair.
It's still doing that thing that i hate.
Actually, it might just be the shape of your head.
Walk a little in front of me.
I want to share this moment with you, but I want to do it alone.
Okay.
Okay.
Wait, Bobby.
Wait, wait, Bobby.
No, Bobby.
I'm going, I'm going.
I'm going this fast.
This is my big niche show.
Oh, my God, this is worse than Eric Stone Street's nip slip.
Max?
Randy.
Max.
I'd love to stay and talk, but I just remembered I have to run away.
Want a little help?
You're on your own.
